Did you know my name stands for “Massively Awesome, Touches Titties”?

I saw this girl I’ve known for most of my life the other day.  She had a new car.  In the back window there was a sticker that said “GRITS:  Girl Raised in the South”.  I asked her about that because she’s lived in Wisconsin her entire life.  “Well I listen to a lot of country music.”  I listen to Italian music but that doesn’t make me Al Capone.

There’s two ways to get to the top of an oak tree.  The first is that you grab a branch and start climbing.  The other is you plant an acorn and sit on it.  Just be prepared for some invasive butt stuff.

I think alcohol is the push-up bra of personalities.

I am so psyched for the series finale of the government.  All I know is that no matter what happens it will be a better finale than Dexter.  Speaking of Dexter, ladies call sex with me “The Dexter” because it ends with nothing but disappointment.

If the government shuts down does that mean murder is legal?  It’s not like I have a list.

I bet when the shutdown happens Congress will take credit for creating 800,000 new jobs.

I say we sell Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.  I bet in a week Canada begs us to take it back and they’ll pay us.  Debt crisis solved.

Instead of shutting down the government, why don’t they just unplug it and then plug it back in?

The U.S. budget is like a 1st grader playing Oregon Trail. Spend all the money on ammunition so you can shoot at stuff, then wonder why your wagon is falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.

I like being complimented on my intelligence and my oral sex techniques.

If the NBA wanted me to watch, they’d be playing football.

Of all the malls in the world, strip malls are the most promiscuous.

I hear people complain about auto-correct but it really is helpful 99% of the titties.

Nothing says “my penis will never be inside a vagina” like displaying my Beanie Baby collection.  Nothing says “I’m never stepping foot in that psycho’s house” like having a gun AND sword cabinet.

I have issues with unisex bathrooms.  They should make uniabstinence bathrooms for me.

Did you know that the song “Send in the Clowns” is about a hostage situation when the police have completely ran out of ideas?

Sex is a lot like golf.  I haven’t played golf in years.

The last time I got to second base was when I drew boobs in MS Paint.

Life hack: go against the norm and treat everyone with kindness and respect.  Be the rare person who doesn’t die with a heart full of bitterness.

There’s a Kickstarter for the third Atlas Shrugged movie because the free market apparently can’t reach its bootstraps.

“My food is cruelty free.” –People who eat crops picked by under payed, overworked, exploited and abused poor migrant workers.

I like to watch Seinfeld with the sound off so I can practice my Sein-language.

The day I become rich is the day I have a TV in my bathroom.

I really wish I had a hickey.  Those things are bragging rights without having to say a word.  It’s just too bad that my friends aren’t in high school so they probably won’t be impressed.

The next time you think you’re lonely; just remember you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body protecting your sorry little ass with their life.  You have 25 billion friends who would die for you.  No need for tears, pussy.

I don’t know how much cunnilingus I have to perform so that I can stop hearing about Miley Cyrus but whatever it is I’m prepared.

The Bible says “Adam and Eve” and not “Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam.”  We must ban cloning.  Speaking of Adam and Eve, the Devil would have a real tough time tempting them in this day in age because I’m pretty sure Adam and Eve would ask if the apple was organic because they only eat organic foods.

I bet Fiona Apple would be delicious if she was a type of apple.  Either way, I want to eat her awfully bad.

One of my greatest abilities is tricking people online into thinking I’m good looking.

Did you know Samsung is making a curved smartphone.  I bet it’s so that certain self-conscious men can feel better about themselves.

My friend won’t lend me his copy of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. I guess he never learned how to Cher.

How stressful was it for the first person to ever dial a wrong number!

I’ve always wanted to be a news anchor so I could treat the weatherman like shit.

Hyperbole is the best word in the entire world.

A student asked me what time it was and I started saying, “2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.”  The kid was all confused so I shouted, “IT’S PRIMETIME!”

I always thought “100 ccs” meant “100 cut-up carrots”.

I started a bowling team and called it Disaster because disaster always strikes.

It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation
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