October 2, 2013

• Motivation

   

  Did you know my name stands for “Massively Awesome, Touches Titties”?

  I saw this girl I’ve known for most of my life the other day.  She had a new car.  In the back window there was a sticker that said “GRITS:  Girl Raised in the South”.  I asked her about that because she’s lived in Wisconsin her entire life.  “Well I listen to a lot of country music.”  I listen to Italian music but that doesn’t make me Al Capone.

  There’s two ways to get to the top of an oak tree.  The first is that you grab a branch and start climbing.  The other is you plant an acorn and sit on it.  Just be prepared for some invasive butt stuff.

  I think alcohol is the push-up bra of personalities.

  I am so psyched for the series finale of the government.  All I know is that no matter what happens it will be a better finale than Dexter.  Speaking of Dexter, ladies call sex with me “The Dexter” because it ends with nothing but disappointment.

  If the government shuts down does that mean murder is legal?  It’s not like I have a list.

  I bet when the shutdown happens Congress will take credit for creating 800,000 new jobs.

  I say we sell Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.  I bet in a week Canada begs us to take it back and they’ll pay us.  Debt crisis solved.

  Instead of shutting down the government, why don’t they just unplug it and then plug it back in?

  The U.S. budget is like a 1st grader playing Oregon Trail. Spend all the money on ammunition so you can shoot at stuff, then wonder why your wagon is falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.

  I like being complimented on my intelligence and my oral sex techniques.

  If the NBA wanted me to watch, they’d be playing football.

  Of all the malls in the world, strip malls are the most promiscuous.

  I hear people complain about auto-correct but it really is helpful 99% of the titties.

  Nothing says “my penis will never be inside a vagina” like displaying my Beanie Baby collection.  Nothing says “I’m never stepping foot in that psycho’s house” like having a gun AND sword cabinet.

  I have issues with unisex bathrooms.  They should make uniabstinence bathrooms for me.

  Did you know that the song “Send in the Clowns” is about a hostage situation when the police have completely ran out of ideas?

  Sex is a lot like golf.  I haven’t played golf in years.

  The last time I got to second base was when I drew boobs in MS Paint.

  Life hack: go against the norm and treat everyone with kindness and respect.  Be the rare person who doesn’t die with a heart full of bitterness.

  There’s a Kickstarter for the third Atlas Shrugged movie because the free market apparently can’t reach its bootstraps.

  “My food is cruelty free.” –People who eat crops picked by under payed, overworked, exploited and abused poor migrant workers.

  I like to watch Seinfeld with the sound off so I can practice my Sein-language.

  The day I become rich is the day I have a TV in my bathroom.

  I really wish I had a hickey.  Those things are bragging rights without having to say a word.  It’s just too bad that my friends aren’t in high school so they probably won’t be impressed.

  The next time you think you’re lonely; just remember you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body protecting your sorry little ass with their life.  You have 25 billion friends who would die for you.  No need for tears, pussy.

  I don’t know how much cunnilingus I have to perform so that I can stop hearing about Miley Cyrus but whatever it is I’m prepared.

  The Bible says “Adam and Eve” and not “Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam.”  We must ban cloning.  Speaking of Adam and Eve, the Devil would have a real tough time tempting them in this day in age because I’m pretty sure Adam and Eve would ask if the apple was organic because they only eat organic foods.

  I bet Fiona Apple would be delicious if she was a type of apple.  Either way, I want to eat her awfully bad.

  One of my greatest abilities is tricking people online into thinking I’m good looking.

  Did you know Samsung is making a curved smartphone.  I bet it’s so that certain self-conscious men can feel better about themselves.

  My friend won’t lend me his copy of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. I guess he never learned how to Cher.

  How stressful was it for the first person to ever dial a wrong number!

  I’ve always wanted to be a news anchor so I could treat the weatherman like shit.

  Hyperbole is the best word in the entire world.

  A student asked me what time it was and I started saying, “2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.”  The kid was all confused so I shouted, “IT’S PRIMETIME!”

  I always thought “100 ccs” meant “100 cut-up carrots”.

  I started a bowling team and called it Disaster because disaster always strikes.

  It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

  Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

  I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

  I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

  I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation
  
  I always wonder if the reason I don’t get good cell phone service is because my cell phone doesn’t wear a shirt or shoes.

  I bet continental breakfasts were pretty awesome before Pangaea broke up.

  It’s amazing how songs can take you back to memories from your youth.  Like the other day I heard “Love Shack” by the B52s and that took me back to the time I had sex with my neighbor in her family’s storage shed behind their house.  I also heard “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum and remembered the time her and I had sex in a train car at the old train depot.  Then I heard “Touch Myself” by The Diviynls and remembered how I didn’t have sex with her but masturbated to those thoughts.  Ah…the power of music!

  I’m trying to find a way to get celebrities to notice me that doesn’t involve me being a stalker or having a terminal illness.  I like being friends with the local news anchors but I need something bigger.

  What is the point of blurring out a middle finger on TV?  It’s not like I don’t know what it is.  Could it be a finger or a giraffe?  Or an ice cream cone?  Or Adam West?

  I’m pretty sure illegally downloading music is a gateway to meth.

  I think Mumford and Sons is one of the best bands out there today.  They took one song and turned it into two albums.  I also heard that Mumford and Sons announced they were taking a hiatus.  This means that the sales of bowler hats and suspenders have plummeted.

  I can’t believe people fly the rebel flag.  You’re displaying that you support the losing side of the wrongest war in history.

  Whenever I hear someone say they are a foodie, I imagine that they enjoy rubbing food all over their genitals.

  Isn’t it weird that sleeping can get in the way of your dreams?

  I look like Ryan Gosling if he ate three Ryan Goslings smothered in cheese.

  If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie it’s not amore because the moon is fucking huge and would probably kill you.

  My mom said all my pretending would never get me anywhere.  The joke’s on her because I pretend to be an adult and I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

  I may be delusional but every single person that’s ever met me loves me.

  Birthdays are a good way to find out how many of your Facebook friends you’ve never heard of before.  I was pissed because no one wished me a happy birthday yesterday even though it wasn’t my birthday.

  If I ever get married, my wedding ring will have a built in bottle opener.

  No news about Huey Lewis and the News is bad news.

  Do thermometers have to go to college so they can display degrees?

  People think it’s bad that America is the fattest nation in the world.  I’d rather be the fattest nation than having the most donkey shows per capita or most horse meat markets.

  Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

  I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

  You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

  An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

  Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

  I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

  A person came to me this week asking if I’d like to get in on the ground floor in an investment in a ladder company.  I declined the offer because if a ladder company is worth anything then I’ll be able to get in on the second floor.

  Quality not quantity, right?  Well these 12 dollar bills are very crisp and extra green so I guess I’m really rich.

  Why is preheating the microwave frowned upon?

  I am the best person in the world at procrastinating.  For example…just give me a second.

  I hope the hell the doctor doesn’t put me on Viagra for any medical problems.  What the hell am I going to do with a boner?

  Whenever there’s a gap in my posting on Xanga I’m usually doing something really cool like listening to my wine bubble and pop because it’s still fermenting.

  I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

  #I #don’t #undertand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

  Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

  A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga

  I’m having a Xanga meet-up on this post because I’m cheap and need eprops.  Rec and comment if you want to join the meet up.

  I never get dirty emails here on Xanga. 

  The secret to losing followers on Xanga is to be yourself

  I have a naughty idea for Halloween and Xanga.

    I’m tentatively calling it “Trick or Meat”.

  • 12:19 AM
  • 9 Comments