December 6, 2013

• The Sound of Music Remake

  I didn’t watch it because I liked the original but here are some things I’d like to see in the remake if I viewed it.

  • Halfway through, it just becomes Mary Poppins starring Jewel, and nobody notices.
  • Carrie Underwood takes a Louisville Slugger to both headlights of Hitler’s pickup truck.
  • The hills are alive, but you know, like, they have eyes.
  • A panicked look on Underwood’s face as she forgets “My Favorite Things” and has to make up the lyrics: “Raindrops on racists and nipples on chickens.”
  • Accidental swears.
  • I hope they keep the scene where the kids are lined up by height. Oh wait, that’s every scene.
  • Funkier new disco arrangements by Nile Rodgers and Hammerstein.
  • All the kids’ voices deepen four octaves between rehearsal and performance.
  • All the success of NBC’s last musical theatre endeavour, Smash.
  • A convoluted backstory to explain Underwood’s southern accent.
  • Sets that look an awful lot like the Cliffhangers set from The Price is Right.
  • Changing a few lyrics for sponsors: “How do you solve a problem like eczema? Cortizone!”
  • An acknowledgment of what the lonely goatherd does when he gets really lonely.
  • By popular demand, the Ricola jingle.
  • “La” breaks up with “Do Re Mi,” stating, “Is that all I am to you, a note to follow so?”

  • 12:24 AM
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