I feel bad for not doing these regularly. I really do apologize but life and pain have gotten in the way. I read your answers in the last assignment but I didn't reply to them so everyone gets an A+.
Here's your next assignment:
A.
Why or why not?
B.
C.
Why or why not?
Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question. Answer everything for extra credit.
Get to work!
Wow, I haven't done one of these in a month. I hope you're not rusty, class.
Here's your assignment.
A.
B.
C.
Why or why not?
Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question. Answer everything for extra credit.
Get to work!
A. I'm a Pisces. There are times when I read charts that describe what a Pisces is supposed to be like and sometimes they are spot-on for me but then most of the time they are off and as far as horoscopes go the only one that is trustworthy for me is the one put out by The Onion.
B. I'd probably go for freshly baked chocolate chip cookies or gasoline. God I love me the smell of gasoline.
C. Most definitely because cheating is rampant when they are allowed.
I like my cats, I really do, but if they wake me up once more I think I may have to keep them in a kennel over night or lock them in a specific part of the house. It's warming up during the day and cooling off drastically at night which means that rodents are seeking refuge indoors. Thursday night I was just settling down to bed and had on some Dr. Who when all of a sudden Kiki comes bounding into the living room. She had something in her mouth. I turn on my lantern and she has a mouse in her mouth. I try to reach for her but she runs away. I grab an old cup and head to where Kiki went and then she runs to the other side of the house. I go there and she runs back. Finally I cornered her and she dropped the mouse and it went under a rug. I scooped it up and took it and threw it in my driveway. It flew past my motion detector and I heard it thud on the driveway and I saw that it was belly up with legs in the air so I figured between my toss and Kiki's teeth it was done for. Well I finished the Dr. Who and started sleeping. About 4 hours later I hear this strange noise. I think one of my cats is next to me and is coughing or choking. I turn on my lantern and look over. There is Kiki and Lua batting around a mouse. The mouse is making this loud huffing noise. I can't find the cup I used and Kiki picks up the mouse and runs off to another part of the house. I cornered her in my kitchen and she dropped the thing. It was cowering in a corner so I scooped it up and threw it outside. It landed with a thud and set the motion detector off. Well the first mouse was gone so I figured it ran away or became a meal. The cats remained on edge for the rest of the night. Friday night I went to bed right after I finished my round up. I got about an hour of sleep when I heard my cats digging and crying. I figured they were stuck in my couch again but they weren't. They were digging at a spot where I keep my shoes. Well just Lua was, Kiki was pacing back and forth. I moved some of the shoes and Lua scooped up a mouse and went running with it. She dropped it right on my pillow. I scooped it up in the cup and threw it outside. I praised her because she doesn't really have a hunting instinct. I laid back down and just as I shut my light off Kiki comes bounding into the room. I turn my lantern back on and see she has a mouse in her mouth. She ran away from me but then came back and dropped it on my pillow. I scooped it up and threw it outside. None of the mice were there this afternoon. I figure the one Lua caught was caught in the kitchen and they had been playing with it and lost it for a while until I moved my shoes. I also figured they are coming in somewhere in my kitchen, more than likely my dryer vent so I was out in the pouring rain this afternoon patching that up. They are both currently keeping guard in my kitchen. One is on one end of the room staring at the dryer and the other is at the other end of the room staring at the dryer. Nothing will get past them. Ahhhh... #caturday
I took out the message. I think a few people got it.
Hi.
Time for the round up.
A promotional poster for the unneeded sequel to Machete, Machete Kills, was released this week. It features Sofia Vergara using her breasts as a machine gun. Sigh...I'm in love. I've also heard Katy Perry has put her machine gun bra back in the closet next to her cupcake bra and isn't planning on making that heavy metal album any time soon.
Selena Gomez is 20 and is getting hotter by the minute. Now she wants to date an older dude. I'm single. She told the New York Post this: "When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games. But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!' So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing." Keep in mind that this quote was taken from Selena's interview for the April issue of Harper's Bazaar and was conducted in an actual Hooters restaurant. I think I'm going to apply to buy a Hooters franchise and have a special night called "Free Dad Hugs and Unconditional Love and Acceptance Night! Bring a friend." Now all I have to do is wait. Thank you, Mr. Gomez. A friend close to Selena is saying the reason she wants to date an older man is because she realized it was toxic dating a toddler like Justin Bieber. Yeah, she called him a toddler. She's also thought Justin has been very embarrassing since they broke up and he's turned into the kind of person she would never date. In case you still don't understand how horrible Justin Bieber is, a 20-year old girl didn't want to get pregnant or married. Think about that.
For some reason, Justin Bieber has been running around London wearing a gas mask. I wonder if it had anything to do with collapsing backstage. He collapsed because he said he couldn't breathe. Yet he somehow managed to finish the show and tweet from the hospital afterwards. This, of course, comes two days after he showed up two hours late to another show and the crowd booed him. I'm sure these two have no correlation whatsoever. After he collapsed backstage he was given oxygen and then he went out and finished the show. He then went to the hospital and posted this topless photo of himself in bed at the hospital. Poor guy. He loses his girlfriend, a crowd turns on him, and then he collapses unseen backstage and receives millions of messages for support after going to the hospital and posing for Playgirl. I can't wait until his next show where he rescues a drowning puppy on stage or goes backstage and stops a bank robbery. I'm sure this is all to garner sympathy because he had such a rotten birthday and posted it on twitter. I got thinking, would someone fake not being able to breathe jsut to get out of something and then I remembered how much I hated high school gym class with my Vietnam vet P.E. teacher/football coach. I swear that dude was having flashbacks during practices and started running through the tire course shouting that Charlie would get us. A paparazzo in London escaped with his life after Bieber threatened to beat him up. Apparently Bieber bumped into the photographer and the photographer got upset so he said, "Fuck off back to America, fucking little moron." And of course Justin was flanked by his bodyguards so he acted all tough be screaming, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you." This paparazzo doesn't know how lucky he is that Justin's bodyguard stepped in. I heard that, after he wakes up every morning, Justin has one of his bodyguards punch him in the face because the taste of blood sends a rush of adrenaline through his body that fuels him for the day. You just don't fuck with maniacs like that. But honestly no one can put Bieby in a corner.
Rihanna must not watch Law and Order: SVU or read the news because she wants to have a kid with Chris Brown. Great. She told a magazine this: "Now that we’re adults we can do this right. We got a fresh start and I’m thankful for that. Right now that’s just want we want." She also called their relationship "unbreakable" unlike her bones. Rihanna is 25 and Chris Brown is 23, so I guess it's technically safe to call them adults, but please keep in mind Rihanna takes pictures of weed and Chris Brown wears sleeveless jean jackets. He also stomped her face in a curb once, so that should be a good bedtime story for the kids.
Miley has really been changing up her hair. Right now it looks like she has blueberry mold fuzz on her head. Maybe that's the new style. I wonder how that will look in her wedding photos.
This is Mia Wasikowska. She's new to this site. She's my type of actress. She's in the new movie Stoker. She's in one shocking scene where she's shown nude and masturbating in a shower. Mia claims the fear of taking of her clothes was far worse than when she was actually naked in front of the crew and director. She explained: "That was the last day of the shoot and I was so angry at them for scheduling it on the last day! We'd been running behind and we only started shooting it at 6pm and shot until 4am but it's the sort of thing where the anticipation is worse than the actual filming of the scene. It felt like it went quite quickly and was all right and almost liberating to find yourself there, taking off your clothes. It's not as bad as anticipating it, I think." This isn't just advice for anyone who's ever been a personal assistant, waitress, valet driver, delivery boy, barista, or even F-list celebrity -- this is top-level life coach moral code material, and it just happens to be on the godfatherofgreenbay employment application: "Don't look at my eyes, don't try to kiss me on the mouth, but if you let me film you in the shower while you diddle yourself, you're hired." God Bless America, and God Bless Poland (I'm assuming she's Polish because, good God, that name is a mouthful).
Last week I wrote about how Melissa King had to abdicate her crown as Miss Teen Delaware because she appeared in a porn movie. This week I've found more information. If you want to bang Miss Teen Delaware all you need is $1500. That's the amount of money she was paid to do her now infamous porn video and the people at the website GirlsDoPorn.com say she approached them to have sex on camera. That's a lot of money considering how uninspired she was in the video. For that kind of money I could get two Russian girls working their summer at a resort in Wisconsin Dells to recreate famous sex scenes from cinema. I was so bored with that video that I felt like I was watching an Angelina Jolie movie.
Michael Douglas is playing Liberace and Matt Damon is playing Liberace's boyfriend Scott Thorson in an upcoming movie on HBO titled Behind the Candelabra. Apparently there's plenty of sex scenes between the two of them. Matt Damon told Entertainment Weekly: "The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take. We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, 'Well… I have no notes.'" Well I may watch this because it looks like they're both wearing wigs that were once used on Mama's Family and you all know how much I love Mama's Family.
I really do think Kim Kardashian's stylists are trolling her by giving her clothing that absolutely does not suit her. And it's going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses because Kim has been told to quit exercising. Can I say that I'm excited to see how bad they're going to make her look?
Something tells me that Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in health class when she was younger. Actually, that's not fair, Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in any class when she was younger except for gym class but that's only because the teacher liked to watch her run. Obviously she didn't have my P.E. teacher who would stand in his office looking into the locker room. His door was a Dutch door so he'd only open the top and watch us change and yell how many minutes were left until the next class. God I hated that guy. Jessica was on the Ellen show and said this: "I don't know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window! We were definitely extremely shocked." Yeah, a woman who recently had a baby didn't realize that a guy blasting his baby batter inside her could get her pregnant. I expect this reasoning from some of the younger celebrities out there like Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus but not a 32 year old woman who happens to be the face of a billion dollar tacky fashion empire. The naive hot chick era ended when her show Newlyweds was canceled. She should know that the only member of her family that can have unprotected sex and not expect to get pregnant is her dad if you catch my drift.
Venezulean dictator Hugo Chavez died at the age of 58 this week because of cancer or being poisoned by the CIA depending on whom you believe. Sean Penn is said to be beside himself and is crying that America has lost a friend that they will never know and he's even donning black lace to cover his face for mourning. And you probably didn't read any of this and were thinking, "OMG a guy with a parrot that's wearing a hat!"
Last week I wrote about how Holly Madison was planning on feasting on her placenta. Well she will be doing it soon because she gave birth to a baby girl this week. Apparently she's dating some guy named Pasquale Rotella. For some reason I thought she was with Criss Angel. He is a great magician after all. Making me think he's dating a former Playboy model when he's probably dating the girl who changes the urinal cakes at the Luxor. I wonder if Holly has to decide on a given name and a stripper name for the birth certificate. Well it sounds like she killed two birds with one stone. The baby's name is Rainbow Aurora. Holly told E! that she picked the name Rainbow because there was a girl in her school that had that name and she liked it. Well that makes sense since she went to Care Bear Academy. She probably picked Aurora because that was her favorite Disney princess. Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer.
It looks like Stacy Keibler's contract with George Clooney is set to expire and will not be renewed. Sources close to the couple say the age difference is starting to take it's toll. She's 33 and he's 51 and she wants to go out and have fun while he wants to stay home and do crossword puzzles. It's also rumored that all of George's friends hate Stacy as well. It sounds like Stacy's PR people got to all the gossip outlets first. It sounds like Clooney has douchebag friends and doesn't want to have any fun until he wants to bang a new replaceable model. This story is about as expected as me falling asleep in front of the TV with a bunch of Girl Scout cookie crumbs in my chest hair. Speaking of Girl Scout cookies...I hear the Keebler elves(no relation to Stacy) are churning out cookies that are exactly like Girl Scout cookies. I'm in heaven.
Elton John is high maintenance and this may be the most ridiculous story I've ever read. Ahead of shows he would be performing in Brazil, Elton booked hotel rooms for him and one for his sunglasses. Yes, Sir Elton John booked a separate hotel room just for his sunglasses. Why? He wants them kept at a specific temperature and the room was maintained at 60F which is perfect sunglasses temperature. This seems like another case of too much money and not enough sense.
It took over a year for Ashton Kutcher to file for divorce and it's taken three months for Demi Moore to file her response and she's basically asking for Ashton's PIN. She claims that Ashton cheated on her before they were separated and she wants Ashton to pay spousal support and pay for all her legal expenses. Ashton is currently banging Mila Kunis and made $24million in 2012 from his role on Two and a Half Men making him the highest paid actor on TV. He also made millions more in all his upstart tech investments. Demi Moore had people call 911 for her and spent time in rehab. But Ashton stuck his penis in a girl that wasn't Demi so now he has to pay even though Demi's worth more than Ashton. And she deserves it, too. Hell, anyone who's actually had to live with Ashton Kutcher deserves a lot more than money. Purple Heart, maybe? Back in 2005, Ashton had been contracted to sign autographs at a "Where Are They Now" convention/fish fry in Cazenovia, Wisconsin when he was discovered by Demi. His was a future of endless VH1 cameos and car wash openings until Demi had the good grace to let Ashton finish inside her. Next thing you know, Ashton is a solid D-lister while Demi morphs from starmaker to paint-huffing Hollywood cougar. Ashton absolutely owes Demi 80% of his Two and a Half Men money as well as any money he makes from movies that skip theaters and go directly to the Uzbekistani version of Netflix.
Courtney Stodden was photographed on her way to film some porn...I mean jog. My mistake. She's quite noticeable. Do you ever look at her and think she looks like Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, or Brigitte Bardot? Well Courtney had this to say: "I look back to the pin-up days — Jayne Mansfield, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, and those beautiful iconic women. I want to be an icon and feel like I am. I feel like I’m different, I married young. Those women were old souls, and I feel like I can connect with them. We are both old souls and we’re having fun, and being glamorous and flirty." It's funny because Courtney looks older than current day Brigitte Bardot. But then Jayne and Marilyn were married before they turned 18 so maybe she's on to something but more than likely she's just on something. I know being an icon is a full-time job, but Courtney being an icon isn't her true calling. She should be a smuggler. Look at her. If you pull off her bra a lot of stuff will fall out like 4 other padded bras, Doug's sense of decency, a 6 month prescription to Xanax, a 3 month supply of Valtrex, Courtney's dignity, Courtney's birth certificate, and her mom's Mother of the Year award. I've already hired her to smuggle me in some Cuban cigars and absinthe.
Earlier this week Charlie Sheen told TMZ that he wants to be Lindsay Lohan's mentor and life coach. Apparently Charlie is getting the meaning of "mentor" confused with "pimp". Since he gave her $100,000 for her taxes and a guest role on his show Anger Management he figures he can do all the more to help her. He can totally be Lindsay's knight in aluminum foil used for smoking crack. He had this to say: "I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her. I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?" What's the worst that could happen? After spending 5 minutes with Lindsay, Charlie will snort up all the coke in Los Angeles. But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person. Well the photo is appropriate because Lindsay has told friends who told TMZ that Lindsay doesn't want Charlie to be a mentor or life coach. She said that even though she knows her life is a wreck she doesn't think Charlie's "takes one to know one" approach is wise. She doesn't like his continued talking of her in the media and she's currently seeing a therapist and it's helping. Well she hasn't stabbed anyone lately so I guess the therapy's working. I'm just sad that we'll probably never see the meltdown to end all meltdowns if they were to get together and Charlie would be her mentor.
Even though I loathe the song "Call Me Maybe" I have to admit that I sort of admire Carly Rae Jepsen. She was supposed to headline the Boy Scouts of America's Scouting Jamboree along with Train in West Virginia but she told them she wasn't going to perform because of their anti-homosexuality stance. She tweeted: "As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer... I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level and stay informed on the ever changing landscape in the ongoing battle for gay rights in this country and across the globe." I think it's weird that the Boy Scouts are so anti-gay yet they're including her in their performances. Sort of sending mixed messages out there. Train has also said that they will pull out if they don't reverse their stance on allowing gays in the Boy Scouts. I sort of hope Train does perform because it's torturous listening to songs about Jupiter and soul sisters. I'm thinking the Boy Scouts will replace Carly Rae Jepsen with Victoria Jackson.
Anna Friel is probably best known for two things. One was starring in the TV show Pushing Daisies and now for sending porn to her dad. In an upcoming movie she plays the wife of British porn mogul Paul Raymond. She was researching the role and accidentally included her dad's email on an email that had a nude spread of the person she would be playing. He emailed her back saying that he thought she was going a bit too far. That doesn't seem too bad. It's not like she accidentally sent photos of herself to him. I once emailed my mom a recipe for a cake and some photos of my cat and now she tells all her friends that I'm dead. And somewhere Billy Ray Cyrus is crying because he's upset that his daughter never emails him porn.
Abigail and Brittany Hensel turned 23 this week. They are quite a fascinating story. I still remember the first time I saw them. It was just such a weird moment. I mean how often do you see one body with two heads? I went to a basketball game for the public school that was about 2 blocks from my house when I was living in Minnesota. I ran into another teacher from my school and he said there were celebrities in the building and pointed them out. I was amazed. I really didn't have any words. Anyway, they are really nice and you should probably check out their show if TLC still airs it.
Taylor Swift says this in the April 2013 issue of Vanity Fair: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do." TMZ reported this on March 6th: "As we reported, Swift purchased a $4.8 million mansion in Hyannis Port, MA next to the Kennedy compound last year while she was dating Conor. But -- shocker -- Taylor and Conor broke up soon after. Now we've learned Swift has flipped the home for a huge profit -- selling the place a couple weeks ago for $5,675,000 ... that's a profit of $875,000 in just a few months." Taylor Swift dated Conor Kennedy from July 2012 to September 2012. And the house she bought in August 2012 across the street from his grandmother is now sold. In March 2013. It must have been really hard for Taylor to sell this house. It's the longest relationship she's ever had. Hopefully she'll write a song about it. From October 2008 to right now, Taylor Swift has dated the following people: Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Connor Kennedy, Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Cory Monteith, Will Anderson, Thomas Odell, Eddie Redmayne, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Lucas Till, Garrett Hedlund, and Justin Gaston. That's 15 dudes. 15. And that's not counting the dudes we don't know about who smiled at her once or told her she was pretty. Also in this issue of Vanity Fair she fights back against all the criticism because she claims the media has turned her into a character because all of the pictures of her with these dudes are apparently Photoshopped and her songs aren't about every dick she's jumped on. When asked why she can't keep a boyfriend for over two months: "I'm sick of the tabloids saying I obsess over guys. Why would you obsess over guys? They don't like it." When asked about buying a house next to Connor Kennedy after dating him a month: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do." And why I'm a sexist: "Everybody in these tabloidy gossipy blogs, they think they have you pegged, like 'Taylor's boy-crazy'...For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her...that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist." When asked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making fun of her at the Golden Globes: "You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women,' " So to recap, Taylor Swift isn't clingy or needy and if you say she is you're sexist and if you're a woman and say it you're going to a special place in hell. Which reminds, how many special places in hell are there? Let's all agree to stop using that phrase. Thanks. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler responded. Here's what Tina said: "If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron. I did not see that one coming. It was a joke. It was a lighthearted joke." Here's what Amy said: "Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff." I don't need to get into how Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have done so much for women in TV and comedy and how much Taylor Swift has done for victimization but remember when Adele won Best Song then Taylor pouted and left the Golden Globes immediately after? No word yet on where she went, but sources say she went to a special part of hell afterparty. This week Chelsea Handler weighed in on Taylor Swift as well and she has an interesting theory. She thinks Taylor's a virgin and guys leave her because she's not willing to have sex. "My theory about Taylor Swift is that she’s a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she’s like, ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, forget it. Then I don’t want to date you.’ Every guy thinks they’re going to devirginize her, and they’re not. She’s never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever." Now this makes me wonder if the album Red is about losing her virginity. It's sort of incredible to think about because all these guys did things that only non-famous dudes have to do to get girls in the sack. Jake Gyllenhaal took her to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. John Mayer said he wouldn't sleep with any other women. Harry Styles was British. Okay, so those might’ve been bad examples, but the point is they all bolted after a few weeks when the sexy time never happened. I don't know when the right time to have sex in a relationship is. It's probably when both people feel comfortable with the idea. But I think girls need to learn that sex is basically what most guys these days look for in a relationship and the sooner that's realized they'll learn they don't need to spend money on weddings and kids or trying to drag a boyfriend to a shitty romantic comedy that makes you think you need to be in love. "Love" was invented by greeting card companies and is probably nothing more than a 20th century American invention. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm alone and realized I haven't had that many dates since 2008. fuck.
Have a great weekend.
A few weeks ago I posted a tattoo that had someone saying that they didn't know that specific tattoo was a thing. It turns out it is. I never quite understood the idea of an inner-lip tattoo because no one will see it. Well I decided that since it was brought up I'd share a bunch I've had sitting around on my computer. I'll present them without comment because I want you to let it sink in that people had this work done and paid money for it and this is the only way their tattoos will be seen...by pulling their lips down.
I also want to take this time to apologize for not being around here much. I am actually getting sick of something on Xanga. It's the ratings system. I come here daily and see people complaining that they've been rated EX and that now people can't view their pages. I also dislike hearing that in order for people to view pages that have been maliciously rated EX they have to make a photocopy of their driver's license to fax into Xanga. Where is Xanga in all of this? Silent. I wonder if they're expecting us to solve these problems for them. Maybe the site should just become like Tumblr where they have no rating system and if a page is NSFW then the person who maintains it marks it as such and if not their page is closed by the staff. Maybe we should all rate everything EX and thus destroy Xanga and all go to Tumblr. Well have a good night, hopefully this won't get rated EX. Thanks for maintaining the silence.
Someone accused me of being perverted. You want me to be less perverted? Well marry me or arrange a marriage for me. Marriage will suck the life right out of me.
With all these fools getting catfished lately it’s really hard for people to take my Nigerian princess girlfriend seriously.
You come into this world screaming and covered in someone else’s blood. I wonder how many people are willing to leave the world that way.
If you ever think you’re really lazy just remember the ancient Greeks believed their gods lived on top of mountains yet no one climbed those mountains to double check.
We live in a pretty rotten society when we shame people for having too much sex and not having sex at all.
I wonder when people will learn that the duckface is not attractive. Probably as soon as they learn to settle differences amicably.
A nice slap on the butt never hurt anyone…except Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton and probably a lot of others.
I was playing a video game the other night and it told me to press start. Being a nonconformist I pressed the triangle button. Nothing happened so I became a sheep and pressed start. I am a conformist just like liquid.
I watched an old James Bond movie and his gadgets didn’t seem that impressive given all the things we can do with cellphones these days.
Q is just like the letter O except without a dick.
You know it’s OK to send me nudes. I need them for art class.
I put out a fresh bowl of M&M’s for Eminem since March is “I Think I’m Black History Month”.
If I was given the option, I would put most of my penis in some of you and some of my penis in most of you but all of my penis in none of you and all of my penis in none of you.
If anyone ever tells you to stop putting Parmesan cheese on your pasta then you should stop talking to them because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to lick them? That’s about where I’m at in my life right now.
I’ve always wondered why nipples and areolas are so important. You can show all the boob you want but show a bit of areola or nipple then all hell breaks loose.
Netflix is making their own TV series. Regular TV has become obsolete.
It’s funny how the Twilight series came out and it was such a big deal but as the movies came out there was less and less enthusiasm. Now the last DVD is out and no one really cares. I guess 50 Shades of Grey was good for something after all.
It would be so nice if I could solve all my problems with ctrl+alt+del but, alas, life is not a Windows operating system.
If pro is good and con is bad then prostitution is good and the constitution is bad. Let’s get on this, America!
You should really get over yourself. If you were a dog all your education would be useless.
I sort of feel embarrassed telling people I’m between popes at the moment.
I hear a lot of people talking about spirit animals. What is a spirit animal? I always assumed it was some sort of animal but then all these teenage girls say Holden Caufield is their spirit animal. If you can call people your spirit animal then I declare mine as Boutros Boutros-Ghali or George “The Animal” Steele.
I am such a slut in my dreams that I feel shame.
I wish I was in the military and married so that when they shipped me off via train my wife could give me a dramatic kiss while I’m hanging my head out the train window and then as the train lurches forward she runs with it and then she waves bye as we gather speed and pull out of station and then a week later she fucks the neighbor.
I wish I could tell people that I enjoy reading and writing without them thinking I’m a self-important piss fucker that feeds off Starbucks and Mumford & Sons.
A friend of mine told me that a group of unicorns is called a blessing. I replied, “A group of unicorns is called a NOT FUCKING REAL!”
What if the reason peaches have fuzz on them is because they were made to be petted and domesticated and not eaten?
What I look for in a girl: the ability to spin her head around 360 degrees, eight limbs because I like ants, no make-up, no eyes, no skin, the music taste of a 73 year old Canadian man, being able to lift you legs behind your head, smelling like rotten milk and roses, knowing the secret KFC recipe.
I’ve got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that’s about to die at any second in a society run by money that I can’t escape is one of them.
I’ve got 98.7563498 problems and rounding up to the nearest whole number is one.
I’m surprised we haven’t switched to the metric system because it makes penis sizes sound more impressive.
I love how people have Yahoo and Facebook connected. I love knowing that they read articles about child molestation daily.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
We should make Shakira our president because she would never lie. At least her hips wouldn’t lie.
I actually enjoy Facebook now that they let you translate statuses in French, Spanish, Klingon, Latin or any other trendy language. Too bad they don’t have one for high school aged ignorant person.
Scientists discovered last week that the rain is actually God crying after listening to Bon Iver.
I want to open up a video game arcade and call it “The Jungle”. This way I can hire Axl Rose to be the greeter since he has nothing better to do and he can greet every customer with “Welcome to the jungle, we got your fun and games.”
If I spent as much time getting a girlfriend as I do thinking about fried cheese curds, I’d have at least 10 wives by now.
I can’t believe no one is complaining about how homophobic Pepsi and Coke machines are. I try to insert my dollar and it rejects it because it isn’t “straight”.
I hear single girls push their biological clocks an hour forward on Daylight Savings Time.
Did you know “Disney magic” is actually LSD?
The Beatles once sang “All You Need is Love”. I really do want love but I think all I want is sex but all I have is porn.
I’m thinking that one day a teenager is going to have his dick ripped off by a vacuum cleaner and from then on there will be very graphic and specific warnings on vacuum cleaners.
I will never be threatened by a vibrator because no vibrator will go to the store and by tampons or help look for lost car keys or serve you breakfast in bed when you are sick.
People say I’m ignorant. I’m not, I’m American. There is a difference, mostly in spelling.
Girls, if a guy has ever looked at you from across the room and stared in your eyes it means he wants to have sex. Girls, if a guy looks at you, period, it means he wants to have sex.
I think if I ever have kids I’ll yell at them about how hard my life was when I was a kid and instead of saying “When I was your age I had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow,” I’ll say, “When I was your age I had to play Gameboy in black and white and that was all there was.”
“Sooth. Sooth. Sooth. Sooth. Sooth. SOOTH!” -a soothsayer.
I like to sign up for porn sites with my college email account.
I sink into my new bed like it’s a cloud. It’s not one of those Tempur-pedic mattresses; it’s just an air mattress with a hole in it.
Since my cats are ordained ministers and conduct services in my house, I wonder if I have to pay property taxes…fingers crossed.
Isn’t it awesome we have giant sneeze guards on our cars? It would be even better if they had wipers on the inside.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. We need to eliminate the Peruvian fag-hating bat.
I think it was awesome that Congress didn’t let a pressing economic crisis get in the way of their dick measuring contest. It’s times like these when all Americans need to join hands and work together to bring our country out of this hole. If you need anyone to film your breasts while on spring break let me know.
I’ve been reading about this new celebrity reality contest where celebrities are in a diving contest and that comedian Louie Anderson will be diving from three stories. I think I may start watching reality TV again.
New Xanga motto: Xanga is an exploration of sanity,sexuality, and the soul, for those who have too much of one and not enough of the others.
I think some of you should take your real life as seriously as you take Xanga.
New Xanga drinking game: take a shot every time someone accuses another person of being a troll.
I wonder how many Xangans are able to function in the world because they seem like if they go outside they’d be offended by a blade of grass…but then I’m just begging to start Xanga drama because they probably don’t have grass in their lawns.
Xanga is the only addiction that makes you feel better when you don’t use it.
I call all of my friends on Xanga “the minions of darkness”. I think that classifies me as a cult leader. Tax exempt status here I come…again.
New age children’s song, “If you’re bitter and you know it,make a Xanga! If you’re bitter and you know it, make a Xanga! If you’re bitter and you know and really want to show it, make a Xanga and rate everyone EX!”
People get so worked up over the dumbest shit on Xanga. You should seriously get over yourself and goon a contemplative walk while listening to Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind”.
Xanga is pretty good proof that the only thing holding people back from being unnecessarily hostile and malicious is an excuse to do it, even if its a bad one
My mission on Xanga is not complete until I destroy Scientology, a major professional sports league or Xanga itself.
I just learned that you can’t say “piss fucker” on the internet. If you do the CIA and FBI will be notified and then they will send a drone and you will be ki
So where have I been? I really don't rightly know. It's such a difficult question to answer because where have we all been? Anyway, the last week I've noticed my mouse for my PC hasn't been functioning properly and the only place in town that sells computer accessories is a Dollar General and the only mice they have are the old fashioned ones with the big balls inside. I had one of those with my first computer for about a week. I went out and bought a state of the art optical mouse and I've had it ever since. I guess 11 and a half years is a pretty long time for a mouse. I was sad to see it go. But Saturday I didn't get to a store. I went out with a friend to one of the largest shoe stores in the Midwest. I didn't buy any shoes because I've hurt my foot. Sometime in my short time of sleeping last week I kicked something in my sleep and my foot is all bruised and swollen so needless to say it hurts. My friend bought some boots and I found a baseball hat for a minor league team in this area named the Madison Mallards. Turns out the guy who owns the shoe store also owns the baseball team. I made my purchase and was handed a coupon. It was for $1.50 off any drink of equal or greater price at a bar down the highway. My friends and I figured what the hell but on the way we found a liquor store where I purchased one of my favorite beers, Ale Asylum's Hopalicious. We then made it to the bar which was called Rookies. It turns out that the guy who owns the shoe store also owns the bar. It was filled with so much sports memorabilia that I went into sensory overload. I enjoyed a Lake Louie pale ale and then I had some other beer but I can't remember the name. On the way home I fell asleep. I told my friend that it was because I'm still recovering from my illness. We then stopped off at a bar in a town of about 25 to 50 people. We decided to have some lunch and as I was browsing the menu another patron asked to see the remote so he could change the channel. He flipped it to Will Smith's "Wild Wild West". The bartender/owner says, "Oh man, a negro as Jim West. That ain't right." Then the patron said, "Yeah I didn't think a negro cast as Jim West was good but it's a decent movie." After our orders were placed and I was still in shock from hearing these comments a scene came up where Will Smith encounters an Asian women. The one patron who said it was a decent movie was playing a video poker machine and he asked, "Did that negro get that gook pussy?" I was stammering but thankfully his friend answered him. I was just silent the rest of the time because I got thinking how far we have come as a society. I think five years ago if I was in that bar they wouldn't have referred to Will Smith as a negro but as the n-word. I think that's a positive change President Obama has had on our nation. Now if we have an Asian president then when I encounter that bar and Wild Wild West is on maybe the pussy will be referred to as "oriental". Then after we ate the owner offered us his homemade blue raspberry moonshine. That was delightful. When I got home I was sort of tired so I laid down for a couple of hours and then turned on my PS3 and discovered Crackle. It's not as good as Netflix but it has some good stuff. I watched so many episodes of All in the Family and then I fell asleep for the night. I woke up Sunday morning and went to church and then at church my dad said that he and my mom planned on going out for lunch and he wondered if I wanted to go along. I thought why not because then I may get a mouse. We went through an Amish settlement and went by the farm that was hosting church for the week. That was neat to see all the Amish buggies. There were over a hundred there. Then my parents' decided that they wanted a fancy Sunday lunch and because they had coupons they decided to eat at Burger King. I sort of laughed but they did have the Coke Freestyle machine. I had too much caffeine with that thing. Then we went over to Walmart but before I got out my mom said a couple of tires on the car looked low. I said it was because I drank so much Coke but she insisted we fill the tires with air. So my dad drives to a nearby gas station to fill the tires. Of course my dad insists that I fill the tires and he parks in front of the air machine and with the snow melt I have to walk through a lake. The puddles were up to my ankles but I got his tired filled. Then when we got back to Walmart we ran into a cousin who was a sheriff's deputy. We talked about the government and how awful it is and how I thought that I was just growing cynical and saw the country falling apart but now I think it actually is. Then I go in back and find my mouse. I got a wireless logitech. I was sort of worried about it because the last time I got a logitech mouse my computer rejected it but I had some other computer issues going on at the time and it wasn't wireless. I also picked up Argo and Skyfall. My dad asked if he or my mom got me a birthday present. I said no so he took my stuff and threw it in his motorized cart and sped off. I went towards the front and picked up a pack of socks because I noticed that while I was sick so many of my socks had holes in them. I then sat on a bench waiting for my parents to finish their shopping. I was reading the package and was rocking back and forth because my foot hurt. This 80+ year old woman sat down next to me and asked, "They let you out of the home today?" I replied in a weird voice because for some reason my voice is going out even though I don't have any laryngitis, "Yeah, I'm lucky because I've been locked up in home this winter." She smiled and said, "Well that's great." Then she got up and left. It dawned on me later that she must've thought I was mentally handicapped. Then I saw another family member and we had a nice talk. Then my mom shows up at the bench and asks if I got a birthday present from her or my dad. I said no because honestly I hadn't YET. She picked up my socks and then walked to the candy aisle. She got me a couple bags of Cadbury mini eggs. God I love them but I haven't cracked them open. Then we came home backroads through another Amish community. I saw so many farms selling eggs, rugs, and veal. I think I'll have to go back on a day that's not Sunday because all the signs also had "No Sunday Sales". Then I ended up in a town named Hustler at a bowling alley named Hooterbowl. Larry Flynt would've been proud. I didn't bowl. I just had to use the bathroom and in a town of 175 that's all there was. Then I saw a couple sun dogs and will have to post the photos later. We were nearing home and went by a grocery store and I asked to stop so I could get some brats because this grocery store makes their own. I bought a six pack of brats and as I'm leaving I run into another family member who was with his grandson. They were picking out a pizza and I didn't get to ask the grandson how he was doing so I asked the grandfather but I couldn't remember the kid's name. I thought for some reason it was "Junko". Turns out it was Tyler. Junko. That would be an awesome name. I finally got home and watched some Amazing Race and then America's Worst Cooks and the dude was literally grilling cheese. I ended up falling asleep around 9:15 and woke up at 2AM and I watched the History Channel's Vikings show. It was pretty good which surprised me quite a bit. Then I went back to bed. Today I didn't have anything scheduled so I got my mouse installed and it's working like a charm. Well that's about it. And people say I never talk about myself.
Some people have basketball for March Madness....well this is mine. I think we're going to have a non-European pope but that's just where my money's riding.
Just keep going, don't stop. What? I have no clue what this even means.
Your dvds and mouse and socks and Cadbury mini eggs won't heal my wounds
I'll make you smile one way or another.
I love this state
I laugh at Satan too
A very smart man in Wisconsin has started bottle brandy old fashioneds. I'm so thirsty now.
OK...with pleasure?
I am too and I'm wanting to do a Rushmore-esque downward spiral.
Now we know where the missing leg on the table went.
Wow...they can't get "your" correct but they get "receipt".
In the Chinese translation of Disney's Cinderella the coach was translated as a blumpkin.
Ladies, would you wear these pants? You may have to click on the photo to see the pattern.
This is what happens when we have loose gun laws.
I may have sounded quite negative in this post so I thought I'd end with a little positivity.
Hey look at the big shot who is doing this post two weeks in a row. I haven't slept for longer than a half hour in the past few days. I couldn't figure that today was Friday. I hate it. I did catch about 30 minutes of sleep at lunch time in my car. Thankfully a janitor started banging on my window to wake me up. Now it's time for the round up.
I strive to bring you the highest quality stories and photos for these posts and here is another. Vanessa Hudgens was spotted leaving her gym this week and she had a very sweaty crotch. I now hope to get a lot of google search results for "sweaty crotch". I know I get so many every day for "vagina tattoos". I also get quite a few searches for "blowjob" from people with the revelife extension. I hope I get a lot for "sweaty crotch". My parents are so proud.
The last few months everyone has seemed to dump hate on Anne Hathaway so prepare for some more. A lot of people claim she's fake and rehearsed and apparently they are correct. After people criticized her acceptance speeches at the Golden Globes, SAG, and BAFTA award shows, Anne worked for about a month practicing her Oscar acceptance speech. She said this about the criticism: "It does get to me. But you have to remember in life that there's a positive to every negative and a negative to every positive." She tried to be likeable and nice after people made fun of her for being fake? How evil! We should take her outside and shoot her. She obviously doesn't deserve to live.
Tom Cruise is so worried that his daughter Suri will be kidnapped that he's hired a body double for her. Suri is now basically a miniature version of Saddam Hussein except she doesn't use rape and murder as a tool of coercion...or does she? Some people are claiming that this body double also goes to the same school and when not in public doubling for Suri she is Suri's lone playmate. And when Suri isn't playing with herself she does go to other children's houses but Tom has to run security checks before she goes anywhere. There is no clear reason why Tom has increased security around Suri but I have to believe he thinks she is the Savior of Scientology and will defeat the evil lord Xenu. This is really messed up. Does the mother of the young decoy know that her daughter is there in case a sniper gets lazy? I bet she understands now why Tom and Katie gave Suri's little playmate so many shirts and hats with bulls-eyes on them. There hasn't been a mother so willing to destroy her children for the sake of money ever since Kris Jenner woke up this morning.
Steven Tyler was spotted out on a date this week with Clint Eastwood's 19 year old daughter Francessca. And Steven's confused orangutan look is basically what I looked like when I heard that a 64 year old is dating a 19 year old. The good news with this is that now Clint Eastwood has someone to talk to at Thanksgiving dinner instead of an empty chair.
I've been being a nerd about the new Star Wars movie that I completely forgot about the next installment of The Amazing Spiderman. I wasn't thrilled with the first but the second sounds like it is going to be a blast mostly because Spiderman will be fighting so many villains. There are three villains and the third was cast this week. First, Jamie Foxx was cast to play Electro and of course people threw a shit-fit when they heard that this character would be black. I don't know why since up until the casting of Foxx no one gave a shit about Electro. Second, Paul Giamatti was cast to play Rhino, a guy who commits crimes while wearing a rhino costume. Giamatti said that Rhino was his favorite character as a boy and couldn't believe he wasn't in any of the other movies. Finally, this week Chris Cooper was cast as Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin. I hope that this Green Goblin will be different from the glorified Power Ranger Green Goblin in the original movies. They are taking this story from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spiderman so that should be good because in that series Green Goblin is fiery and mutated. The only bad thing is that Spiderman 3 was a failure because they had so many villains and set up for the 4th installment and of course Sam Raimi was fired from Spiderman 4 and the series was rebooted. When asked about the new Spiderman James Franco said this: "Congrats. Good for them. Sam and I moved on. We made Oz." Yeah I think I'll go see that Oz movie instead.
TMZ is claiming that Octomom is off the rails again but was she ever truly on the rails to begin with? They supposedly have a video of her laughing hysterically and rolling around in bed. After that video was shot she checked herself into rehab. She has checked herself out but she apparently isn't clean. TMZ is claiming that she traded the love of pills for the love of ganja. Her friends claim she's smoking heavily every day and it's turned her into a beast once again. People are worried she won't be able to be the general of her child army. Apparently a few weeks ago she called her son's school frantic that he didn't come home. The school contacted the bus driver who reported that he saw Octomom pick up her child at the bus stop himself. The weed has really eaten her brain if she can't remember picking up her son from the bus stop and didn't think of checking his room where he was the whole time. If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I'd have a bong permanently strapped to my face and I'd lose them all the time. A week wouldn't go by without me saying, "Hey, where's number 5? Did I leave him at the post office or did I trade him to Uppgrayed for some of this Maui Wowee. Holy shit this shit is the bomb! Hey, number 6, can you drive?" And that is why I don't have kids.
Despite numerous comparison photos and videos floating around the web, Nicki Minaj is claiming that she is completely organic and that she's never went under the plastic surgeon's knife. She said this: "I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup." Let me fix that: "I've had surgery on my boobs, butt, nose, eyes, ears, salivary ducts, teeth, and all other parts listed on Wikipedia's page of the human anatomy. Look at RuPaul's Drag Race and see that those drag queens look more natural than I do. When people look at me they think that I'm all sorts of crazy and have had all sorts of plastic surgery."
This is Melissa King. She is the former Miss Teen Delaware. She had to resign from her position this week because a porn video featuring her surfaced. Three months after she turned 18 she needed money so she shot a porno. Apparently whoring yourself for money is worse than whoring yourself for money AND a crown. This is a bunch of bullshit. Nowhere in the pageant rules does it say that a contestant can't sit on a bed for an interview, get on her knees and give a man oral sex, have sex with that man in the doggystyle position, get on top of the same man in the cowgirl position, and then give the man more oral sex before he finally ejaculates onto her face. You know, I'm just saying IF she had done all that in this so-called scene that she shot that I definitely haven't seen because porn objectifies women. She's already been offered a more lucrative job of being a spokesperson for the website YouPorn.com. They want her to be Miss YouPorn and will give her $250,000 to tour the world promoting the website and the good news is that there is no mention of having to have sex on camera. To research this story, I watched the video three times then I got sleepy before I had a chance to make a sandwich. But it's pretty clear from the video that this chick was basically waiting for this dude to finish so she could go pay off some bills. I don't know, but Melissa King seems like the only responsible adult in this story. If you want to see the video and do your own research, here you go.
Every so often I run across a story for my celebrity round up that is so heartbreaking that it makes me question humanity itself. This is one such story. Kirsten Dunst was at a stylist salon this week to prepare for a trip to a fashion show in Paris next week when she was overheard talking about how she wasn't happy with the details of the trip. She said she had to travel in business class and not first class and that she'd have to wear designer clothing of designers she didn't care for. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I, like every other person with a penis, enjoyed seeing her nipples in the Spiderman movie but that was a decade ago. She belongs in business class with the rest of the hoi poloi. She should have to fly on standby and use Walmart clothes until she makes some good movies.
According to Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl. I mean, according to Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl. According to Kris Jenner, Kris Jenner would never betray a family secret for money. Kim's been buying dresses for the baby and she is really excited. This is a dream come true for me and Kris Jenner. With her cross-promotional expertise, I can only imagine how excited Kris got when she started calculating all the potential endorsement deals and TV specials. We already know that Kim's up for anything, so child-whoring is not off the table. Expect the Kardashian Klan Kompany to feature these new products: Victoria's Toddler's Secrets, Fisher Price's "My First Oopsie Cam", Valtrex flavored juice boxes, and Spermicide flavored Jolly Ranchers. I should trademark those before Kris Jenner gets any ideas.
This week it was announced that Kathy Bates would be joining the cast of American Horror Story. There are a lot of rumors floating around that the next season will be called American Horror Story: Salem but I have not seen anything from the company about what the topic would be. Something I do notice about Ryan Murphy productions is that his female characters are treated horribly but the fact is that his female actors have some of the biggest and best roles in TV. Murphy has said that Bates will be a villain to Jessica Lange's hero. He has said that it will be set in modern times and will be historical and will focus on witches. It will also be funnier compared to the other seasons. I'm very anxious for to see how this plays out.
Looks like it's time to change Justin Bieber's diaper. He also got a new tattoo this week. It's a letter X on his left arm. People say the X is supposed to symbolize his Christian faith and is merely a cross on an angle. He also had another bad break this week. He was turned away from a nightclub in Manchester UK this week. He supposedly wanted to do the shuffling dance popularized by LMFAO but the club turned him away because they were sure the serious dancers would be offended by Justin's spastic movements. The club's Twitter posted this statement: "Yes the rumours are true, we turned Justin Bieber away. He shuffles on stage and we can't be having that in Sankeys now can we." I'm thankful our friends in Britain are untangling the web of bullshit the world has been spinning for years. England was way ahead of the curb on the fact that Hitler was a tool, and they totally nailed the awesomeness of the Spice Girls -- now those limeys are hitting a bullseye with this Justin Bieber nonsense. Last week Justin was a shirtless, bird-chested tool riding segways into clubs. This week Justin Bieber is a shirtless, bird-chested tool NOT riding a segway into a club. Great job, UK, now if you can just take back Russell Brand, we can forget all about how you guys polluted our pristine Boston Harbor with your shitty Earl Grey tea.
Jennifer Lawrence has been everywhere lately. She's been winning Oscars, talking on talkshows, being in movies, visiting Hawaii wearing sweatpants, hugging a girl, smoking weed, drinking wine, hugging that same girl all over again. She is such a hot commodity. The Daily Mail reports: "Jennifer Lawrence has been seen on holiday in Hawaii enjoying a suspicious rolled up cigarette. In revealing pictures the newly anointed Oscar-winning actress is seen clasping a fat roll up in her fingers and a bottle of wine. And in other pictures that have emerged the 22-year-old can clearly be seen taking a draw on the roll up. It's not clear if she was indeed smoking marijuana - but the actress is not known to be a smoker - and if the young starlet does have a penchant for the weed, it may explain her propensity for stumbling. Jennifer, 22, is in Hawaii with a female friend who she was seen hugging as they sat on the balcony together. The Hunger Games star wrapped herself up in a grey blanket, over a grey T-shirt and sweat pants." This, of course, will make women love Jennifer Lawrence more because, she's "real". And she doesn't seem "fake". And she's not "super skinny". And she "looks just as horrific as I do without makeup on". And she "likes wine" and "I like wine, too". And "I hate Anne Hathaway".
And now it's time for everyone's favorite topic on the Celebrity Round Up...pregnancy and placenta eating. This is the perfect time for me to go get that leftover steak and tear into it. Holly Madison is expecting her baby daughter any day now and according to her blog, she wants to eat her placenta. I was thinking she'd turn it into jerky or a margarita but she's planning on having it converted into pills. At first I thought it sounded gross to swallow placenta but then I realized she probably had worse things in her mouth considering she dated Hugh Hefner. Here's her blog: "This might sound gross, but I’m totally planning on having my placenta turned into pills I can take after giving birth. I heard it helps women recover faster and I want to recover as quickly as I can! Have any other moms out there done this? xoxo, Holly" January Jones said that even though she regrets telling everyone about it, she was happy she ingested her placenta: "I should never have told anyone about that. But it’s not gross or witchcrafty. Nor am I putting it in a shake or eating it raw. It’s a very civilised thing that can help women with depression or fatigue. I was never depressed or sad or down after the baby was born, so I’d highly suggest it to any pregnant woman." So is this really a thing? Has anyone hear ingested their placenta? Does anyone plan on ingesting your placenta? If so I have an idea for a little something called Placentaburger Helper. Shit, I have to trademark that before Kris Jenner gets her hands on it. But seriously, has anyone done that? IS it considered cannibalism even if it comes from your own body?
Sad news everyone, Girls Gone Wild is now Girls Gone Bankrupt. The real sad news is that the people at GGW say they will continue to go on business as usual because they're just filing for protection. Girls Gone Wild has ALWAYS bothered me. It has crossed the line of pedophilia several times. Getting drunk girls to bare their chests is just creepy – I don’t care what anyone says. It's no wonder the company is bankrupt. Have you ever seen what Tumblr has to offer? How about girls on Xanga baring all for charity? I remember watching the late night infomercials and in 5 minutes you basically see the whole tape. One of my college friends bought the series after a night at the bar and we watched, it's not really that exciting unless girls being taken advantage of is your thing.
JWoww showed off her side boob and proved that her breast enlargement surgery was performed by Dr. Frankenstein or maybe that's Fronk-en-steen.
Bernadette Peters turned 65 this week. I love her. I really love her. She was so good in The Jerk and Silent Movie. Such a funny lady.
Michael Bolton turned 60 this week. I never got what his appeal was. He always had ladies dropping their panties. Then I try to sing and I get cease and desist letters.
And if the ladies didn't drop their panties for Michael Bolton they're gone for Carrot Top. He turned 48 this week. I am shocked that this guy is still around. He hasn't been in any movie where he didn't play himself since 2000. I did see him at a casino and the best thing about his show was when I got there early he had a video playing on the stage of animals doing it. That was so much funnier than his act. Oh well...did the Carrot Top do anything for you?
Are you looking for work? Do you enjoy sex? Would you be ok with having sex on camera in front of strangers? Well Vivid Entertainment is making a parody of a movie that wasn't released yet. They are making a parody of The Canyons and rumor has it that it's going be more of a parody of the making of the movie. The movie will be called The Canyons XXX because that's' totally the thing in porn today. The Lindsay Lohan character is a much sought after role in the porn community so it's probably a good thing that she didn't set the bar too high. Since she's already getting paid to have sex, Lindsay probably won't audition for this, but if you see a chick in line in a black wig named Mindsay Mohan, drop a bag of coke on the ground. Then wait. When the wig falls off when she dives for it, you might be able to get Lindsay's autograph. Lindsay is also doing great and by "doing great" I mean "weeks away from needing a liver transplant". People are worried about her partying every night and getting fall down drag out drunk every night at clubs. This is getting sad. Lindsay Lohan clearly has a problem, but doesn't have anyone in her life who cares like I do. The people she surrounds herself with are just as good as her mom when it comes to having no natural nurturing abilities. Well, I care, and millions of your fans care. I'm willing do do whatever it takes to keep you alive...until 2014 when I can take you in my celebrity death pool.
In some good news for Lindsay, she's got a new job. Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay $100,000 to help pay the IRS but they still want another $56,000 so Lindsay probably called Charlie asking for money and he said she had to work for the rest so she probably got a bunch of latex gloves, Crisco, bananas, yogurt, midgets, speculums, and a cigar smoking monkey to go pay Charlie a visit. Well that's not the type of work Charlie had in mind...this time. He wants her to work on his TV show Anger Management. In an episode that will supposedly air this April, Lindsay will appear as the hardest character she's ever played...herself. She will supposedly seek out therapy from Charlie's character and then they'll end up in bed together. That's so tired. That's the plot of most every TV show. Opposite characters end up screwing each other. It's also interesting that this will be the second time they'll be in bed together on film unless you count private videos. The last thing we need to see is Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan having sex. Save that for American Horror Story. They are the Tracy and Hepburn of our generation.
Taylor Swift recently told InStyle: "If I’m gonna write songs about my exes they can write songs about me. That’s how it works. I’m not gonna complain about it. I’m not gonna sit there and say, 'I’m the only one who can write songs about this relationship.' It’s fair game." Uhoh. I kind of wish all her exes would do this but there's not a lot of hit songs about handjobs. If you have ever played an instrument look out because she will want to date you. Apparently a friend of Taylor's has said that Taylor has stated she wants to date some of the members of The Lumineers. God she's really sinking low. She went from someone with a lot of hits like John Mayer to some flavor of the months like One Direction and The Lumineers. Set your sights higher, girl. Go after a founded musician. Does anyone know if Keith Richards is single? Does anyone know if Keith Richards is alive? I've finally figured this girl out. Taylor Swift is a fame dishwasher, meaning anyone who gets a moderate amount of Google mentions can drop loads into her. This behavior is strange considering that Taylor's been famous for long enough that she can stop being a groupie -- not that I'm judging her. It would bother me if she dated all the Lumineers, including the chick. I'd probably pay to see that leaked video. But before she goes to The Lumineers she's probably banging Ed Sheeran in the meantime and by "banging" I mean "talking about ponies and stickers and blankets and Disney princesses". Since she can't have Harry Styles she's going to the next best thing, his best friend Ed Sheeran. Apparently they spent the night together before an awards show in Britain. They claim they spent the night talking about how to fix the world's problems. #1. Taylor becomes a nun. Taylor Swift is one of those chicks who just can't be alone and needs constant male attention. I wonder how long it will be before they make her vagina the U.S. embassy of Great Britain. I think this relationship is meant to be because Ed looks like a hobbit and Taylor looks like an elvish princess. It's like all that dirty Lord of the Rings fanfic is coming to life.
I was going to do a story about Dancing with the Stars new cast but I seriously only know two or three of the cast. I think the title is so misleading. They need some stars and since when is Andy Dick a star...other than at gloryholes around Hollywood.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
@carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger
1. Who is your most favorite author? ("I don't read" is not an acceptable answer)
I'm going to have to go with Chuck Palahniuk, Ray Bradbury, Philip K. Dick, and Hunter S Thompson.
2. Theist, deist, agnostic, atheist, or apatheist?
Theist
3. Android, iOS, Windows Phone, Blackberry, Palm, or dumbphone?
I have a blackberry...I think...but it's pretty much a dumbphone since I don't see the point of paying for internet on my phone and internet at home.
4. What language would you most like to learn?
It's a toss up between Mandarin and Arabic
5. Your favorite song right now?
(especially the first line)
6. Your favorite song of all time?
7. What's the #1 most important quality you look for in the opposite sex (or the same sex, if applicable?)
Faithfulness and willingness to put up with an old, fat, balding guy
8. What otherwise common thing have you never experienced?
Watching Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Who, Sherlock, House, Mad Men, Downtown Abbey, CSI in any form
9. Favorite place on the internet besides Xanga?
at the moment...Tumblr
10. What question would you most like to be asked?
So...wanna do it? -or- Do you like pudding?
Yeah you don't want to leave that shit in your car when it gets cold.
It really does suck getting old
I never knew Steven Spielberg was a Rabbi who performed street circumcisions on aliens.
I couldn't imagine Jenna Jameson catching the Holy Spirit but then I'm not a frequent visitor of her church.
He totally misunderstood the meaning of the term "banana hammock".
The new BMW runs on milk but the downside is it still costs $5 a gallon.
Red Hot Chili Peppers still have it after 30 years in the industry.
She's been catfished
Home field advantage and no one will laugh at me reading Maxim and I can shut the door and I don't have to worry about other men sticking their junk under the stall wall.
They'd be nuts not to elect this guy.
YES! But he said he's giving up his snazzy red shoes.
ill Papa
I bet even the Pope knows who she is.
Well I hope you had some laughs or guffaws whatever the kids are calling them these days.
@carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger
I thought I'd share some haikus and limericks with you. Remember I am very alone.
We had hours of great sex, we must stop.
We’re both spent; you’re lying on top.
After just a short breather,
What peeks out from beneath her?
It seems I’d like to have one more pop.
Black light engulfs day
The moon bleaches the darkness
I sip on some scotch
Banana crotch shot
Bus full of weird Eskimos
Cucumber wizard
In a 69 she’d bestride him
A great oral delight to provide him
He enjoyed it, of course
But she sucked with such great force
That his balls are now way up inside him
I melt in your hands
and I drip through your fingers
will you ever hold on
Your smile makes me
Melt slowly on the inside
I miss you too much
As we basked in the warm, morning sun
I gave you some twat licking fun
Through the window sunlight streamed,
In my mouth you creamed
And I didn’t stop ‘til you were done.
Somebody told me
To watch out for you, they knew
I wouldn’t listen.
And you decided
To take advantage of that.
Now I feel so used.
She knows that I would never hurt her
Hold a gun to my head, I’d never desert her
I want her by my side
Through all this life’s crazy ride
But if she gets on her knees then I’ll squirt her
I love you so much
please tell me you feel the same
we’d be amazing
One day I wish to
be awaken by the sun,
and your loving arms
At the beach we were feeling quite randy
But we had no refuge for privacy handy
Overwhelmed by emotion
We fucked right there by the ocean
Taking much care not to get our parts sandy.
A PB&J
washed down by a PBR-
midnight lesson plans
I love Wisconsin
Hear rustling outside my house
It’s a herd of deer
She met two guys by the pool
The sight of her made each of them drool
They said, “Come here and sit between us.”
She took hold of each penis
And began to expertly jerk them off like at school
Boobs, tits, and hooters
I desire more topless pics
I am so lonely
painful memories
drown in pools of agony
wash away like rain
Gave this cutie a ride home from school.
“For an old guy, you seem pretty cool!”
I loved her high-pitched giggle…
Wait… what made her skirt wiggle?
Holy shit, now I feel like a fool.
Thank you very much
It means much when I hear this
stay tuned for some more
My love, I miss you
Your scent, your eyes, your beauty
And of course your boobs
Saw this lovely girl actively brushing.
To her side I was already rushing.
Luscious boobs sweetly swaying,
I envisioned us playing…
Then one detail just left me blushing.
Your life will not be
erased from our memories;
I will remember
You were so lovely
And it grieves me to confess
I wish you were still
I love when you tease my junk
And hearing you laugh as I dribble out spunk
After all that is through
There’s no way we can screw
My dick bounces around like it’s drunk
Las tnight, in my dream,
My soft lips were pressed against
Your porcelain skin.
You sound like Yoda
But you are not very green
And you are taller
Would you like to give me a new treat?
Please jerk me off with your feet.
I must say, heaven knows,
You’re quite skilled with your toes
You make other girls seem obsolete
Thank you very much
Yes, there is a distinct theme
I know these things best
I'm no good with them
Mine start with "there once was a
Man from Nantucket
Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad Baruch Shem Kevod Malchuto Leolam Vaed Nananana Batman
Now that he's retired I wonder what he's going to do for recreation. Probably bowl, drive around, and the occasional acid flashback.
That show on A&E called Shipping Wars is a real hoot these days.
Lohan/Sheen 2016
Love is two sweet four me.
History Channel is so awesome. I hear for July 4th they're planning an Ancient Aliens marathon.
The updated vice presidential portrait.
I'd love to hear the songs she comes up with when they break up.
And that's probably the only way someone could get me to appreciate the arts.
Hugh Hefner trained everyone who lives and works at the Playboy mansion how to perform CPR on his junk.
Accurate movie posters.
I'm sorry...just sorry for everything.
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