Packers won.  I was worried because of how they played last week and then I felt more pangs of worry when I hear that Joe Webb was starting for the Vikings and he's quite the running quarterback.  Well the Packers won and made me very happy.  Now the Texans on the other hand...not so happy.  anyway it's #caturday so maybe this will cheer me up.

OK, it worked.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

The year of living recklessly has commenced.  I decided that I should load up on carbs and horrible pizza so I went to the Christian pizza chain in a nearby town and ate until I felt like I was going to explode.  Reckless?  Maybe not but I'm sure feeling it now.  Then while there one of the rooms was crowded with Amish.  Who would've ever thought the Amish would frequent a pizza place?  Well me because every time I go there there's at least one Amish family.  They love the fried chicken.  I saw this one guy dump out half a serving tray of chicken on two plates.  Hopefully he was feeding his children.  After the Christian pizza place I went to the casino.  I went to the roulette table and did fairly well.  I tripled my starting money in 15 minutes.  I figured it was time to leave before I spent another dime and then end up losing all my money.  They didn't even get my car to the valet lot.  It was still in the queue to be parked.  Then I came home on backroads that are infested with deer.  This weekend I have money riding on all the games.  If I win I probably won't have to worry about any bills for the year but if I lose, well if you don't hear from me come Monday then I'm dead.  Now it's time for the round up.

Might as well start with the NSFL first.  This is Japanese porn star Uta Kohaku.  This is a promotional shot for her upcoming movie titled Semen Collection 2.  She went onto her Twitter and asked gentlemen to send her samples of their jizz.  100+ guys sent her donations and here she is with all the collection she received in a 10 day period.  She promised to care for the outpouring of sperm she received and also promised to treat them as if they were her own children.  Oh that's so nice she's so maternal.  She has not said what she plans on doing with the collection during the film or after filming wraps up.  Do we really want to know?  Well some of us pervs do and I'm sure there are a few celebrities over here in America that would love to help her with recycling cough Tom Cruise cough John Travolta cough Kevin Spacey cough.  Anyway I don't think this will end well and I doubt shell want to put mayonnaise on anything for the foreseeable future.

Stan Lee turned 90 this week.  He so wants to show you why they call him the Incredible Hulk and where he got the inspiration for Thor's Hammer but it won't happen because the ladies have nicknamed him The Flash.

People often say that there is too much social media and too much social networking but before they say anything bad about WhoSay they need to take a deep breath and look at this photo Sofia Vergara posted this week.  LOOK AT IT!  LOOK AT IT!  Social networking is awesome.  We just need to get Sofia on Xanga.

Rihanna showed us that she celebrated the holidays in style.  You know, it takes a lot to upstage my sluttiness but I bow to her. 

This week Psy announced that he was retiring that dreadful Gangam Style.  Hmmm 2013 is not looking bad after all.  That Gangam Style dance is off to the land of the Electric Slide, the Macarena, and the Chicken Dance.  It will be performed in drunken fashion at white people weddings.

This is Nick Stahl.  He's probably best known for his roles in Carnivale, Terminator 3, Sin City, Bully, and The Man without a Face.  2012 was a bad year for Stahl.  In May he was reported missing by his friends and it turned out he was in a rehab center.  Then later in June the same thing happened.  Well this time he wasn't reported missing.  He was reported coming.  He was arrested inside a porn store for masturbating in one of the video stalls.  Seriously, an actor gets busted for jerking it at an adult video store in the days of internet porn.  Well Fred Willard got arrested for the same thing earlier this year so I guess there's some sort of thrill behind it or maybe something more sinister.  Actually the same cop who arrested Fred Willard arrested Stahl.  He is some sort of anti-masturbating crusader.  He should just stand outside the store and hand anyone who enters a bowl of Corn Flakes.  Look up the history of Corn Flakes.  I give Fred Willard a pass because he's elderly, he's like the male equivalent of Betty White.  But Stahl is 33 and should know better than to go into a confined space where 1000s of other guys have been and that should also serve as a warning to anyone wanting to sleep with Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian.  He should probably watch this youtube commercial for Streamate and learn to stay at home. 

Victoria Silverstedt was spotted reading on the beach this week because obviously she has nothing better to do than go to the beach and read 50 Shades of Grey.  Sometimes I wish I was famous but then being a guy I wouldn't be able to read porn at the beach because I'd be embarrassed because my Speedos wouldn't cast a shadow.

Ashlee Simpson was also spotted at the beach.  There is a reason I used to call her Asslee...sigh

Miley Cyrus tweeted this photo of herself and a "passenger" in her car.  I have no clue what she's doing but she's trying to be "edgy" and use the carpool lane.  The sad thing is that blowup doll probably has more in its head than Miley.  She thinks she's this amazing rock star instead of being the daughter of a guy who was a one hit wonder and used his connections to get her a TV show because he wanted to stay rich.  She's trying to shed her Disney image but is trying way too hard.  Hey, Miley, remember that time you were 11 and wanted to ride your pet horse but your nanny said you had to go for tennis lessons instead?  PARTY!  Speaking of party, Miley and her fiance Liam Hemsworth may have had a party last weekend celebrating their marriage.  They posted a photo together on Twitter showing off wedding bands but took it down when place started reporting their marriage.  Poor Billy Ray, he's slowly losing Meal Ticket Miley.

Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves welcome their third child into the world this week.  She gave birth to a boy.  They have a 4 year old son named Levi and a 3 year old daughter named Vida.  Early reports said they did the right thing and named their newborn son Loca.  OK that's a long way to go for a Ricky Martin joke.  They actually named him Livingston.  Poor kid.  Everyone will go up to him for the rest of his life and say, "Livingston, I presume?"  I'm also afraid that Matthew won't be able to lift the baby given his recent photos of what he looks like playing Ron Woodruff.

Fast Talker, Lil' Wayne, got a tattoo this week.  It is on his forehead and it says "Baked".  According to Fuse TV, the tattoo "Baked" isn't a reference to the constant state his brain is in but to tribute a skateboard company called "Baker".  I guess going through life with a tattoo whoring himself for a skateboard company isn't one of his worst decisions.  If the company ever folds he can always say it's a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's chips or the Waffle House because that is the same font.  Since he has a larger forehead, he should probably get a warning tattooed on his head for all the women that want to sleep with him: "Warning: if you plan on letting me play a game of 'just the tip' be cautious and make me wear ten condoms and overdose on the morning after pill because if you don't you'll give birth to a litter of hobgoblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around."

This is Krysten Ritter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Breaking Bad and Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23.  She hinted this week that she is interested in and will be playing Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Grey movie.  I really don't know what to think of this because I haven't seen enough of her work to make a judgment nor have I completely read 50 Shades.  All I know is that women love that book and it's somewhat pornographic and this has given me an idea for an invention...vibrators with reading lights.

Katy Perry has a skeevy Santa fetish so she posted this photo of her current boyfriend John Mayer dressed as Santa on Twitter.  Why?  Because he came down her chimney.

My New Year's Eve was pretty boring but then I turned on CNN and saw Kathy Griffin attempting to give Anderson Cooper a kiss at midnight.  I bet she had it in her contract with CNN to do that.  It probably read: "I, the undersigned, hereby vow to make my co-host, Anderson Cooper, giggle uncontrollably by doing anything within my power that can be broadcast on cable tv and I will attempt to devour his genitals with my ravenous mouth at some point during the night."  He giggled a lot especially when Kathy ripped on Kim Kardashian's vagina, Honey Boo Boo, Taylor Swift, and Ryan Seacrest.  Somehow when she mentioned Ryan Seacrest I thought Anderson loved it because she was making fun of his ex.  Well here's the video of the attempted bj or attempt to make Anderson giggle uncontrollably.

Kate Winslet got married last weekend.  She has been dating the guy for a year and he happens to be Richard Branson's nephew.  The couple was married in a romantic and private ceremony inside of a barn.  Kate's "Titanic" co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio, gave her away.  Oh I failed to mention her husband's name.  It was Abel Smith but he changed it to Ned Rocknroll.  She is now Kate Winslet-Mendes-Rocknroll.  If I were her I would definitely go by Kate Rocknroll now.  So Kate got married and Leo probably woke under a pile of bridesmaids.  Congrats to both of them!

Sources close to Justin Bieber are saying he's driving his record label batty because he's smoking a lot of marijuana.  He supposedly likes to take hits from the bong when he wakes up and before he goes onstage.  He was also spotted making out with Selena Gomez at an airport in Salt Lake City which angered Beliebers.  Here's a sampling of what was said on Twitter: "Go back to your own friends and family. let justin breath and get your tongue from down his throat @selenagomez."  "Oh wow. that's obviously how he thanks her for humiliating him in public. do you have a bit of dignity left?"  "Your relationship is faker than joan rivers face @justinbieber @selenagomez"  People are also worried about the group of hangers-on that have surrounded him and do anything he asks of them.  What do you mean, a celebrity toddler who wears diapers made out of $100 dollar bills and has 30 million followers on Twitter has become an arrogant asshole?  My heavens!  Also this week a bit of sadness surrounded Justin.  A paparazzo was trying to get a photo of Justin in his white Ferrari after he was pulled over by LAPD.  He was struck and killed by another motorist.  The sad thing is Justin wasn't in the car and it was being driven by one of his friends.  I don't see the point.  Just go to Google Images and there's plenty of shots with him in the car.  Use one of them.  Miley Cyrus took to Twitter to weigh in on the accident: "Hope this paparazzi/JB accident brings on some changes in '13 Paparazzi are dangerous! Wasn't Princess Di enough of a wake up call?!"  She compared Bieber to Princess Di.  I have a royal disdain for the royal family but this is outrageous.  What has Justin ever done that's comparable?  Oh yeah, he gave his pet hamster to a screaming girl outside a concert in Atlanta.  This photographer was an idiot, but can we please cut out the rhetoric that compares a Canadian kid who spends most of his time learning choreography and smoking weed to one of the most beloved women who ever walked the earth? Over a million people stood OUTSIDE her funeral and the suicide rate went up 17% immediately following her death. If Justin Bieber died we'd have to hear Miley Cyrus sing and Usher give a speech. Let's not get carried away here.

Jodie Marsh, England's finest rose, turned 34 this week.  She celebrated by spending some time at the beach dressed as slutty Santa.  Well, you can't spell "Santa" without "T" and "A".  That Angel of Death tattoo in her no no region reminds dicks that if they enter they may never be heard from again.

Here we go again.  Jessica Simpson showed off that she's pregnant once again.  she's of the Weight Watchers for now.  Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table: "It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric and big sister-to-be Maxwell.  Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!"  Translation: "Thanks, here's the receipt, can we get our money back?"  I guess if you can afford to turn down $3million than more power to you. 

Actor Jack Klugman passed away since the last time I wrote one of these.  He was 90 years old.  He died from complications to prostate cancer.  He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 1974 after years of heavy smoking.  IN 1989 he lost a vocal chord to cancer but continued to act.  He was married to Bret Somers.  They separated in 1974 but never divorced.  Klugman is probably best known for his roles on TV shows "The Odd Couple" and "Quincy M.E." and his roles in the movies "12 Angry Men" and "Cry Terror".  Klugman will be greatly missed.

Another legendary actor passed away recently.  Charles Durning passed away at the age of 89.  He had quite the career.  He served in the military and was among the first soldiers to land on Omaha Beach on D-Day during World War II.  He also served at the Battle of the Bulge.  He was quite a decorated soldier.  He received three Purple Hearts, the Bronze Star, and the Silver Star.  He had quite an acting career and was in too many movies to mention but some include "The Sting", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Tootsie", and "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".  He also won a Tony Award for his work on a production of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".  One of his last roles was on the TV show "Rescue Me" for which he was nominated for a Primetime Emmy.  Durning will be greatly missed.

Florida is quite a different place.  There are zombie attacks and Christian Slater isn't allowed to vote.  Now Hulk Hogan is opening a new restaurant.  I guess Brooke needs a job.  The thing is this restaurant won't be like others.  It's being called a "breastaurant" by Huffington Post.  I guess this means that the waitresses will wear little clothing to distract you from how awful the food is.  Side note...the only redeeming thing about Hooters are the chicken wings but no matter how good they are you always get distracted by the waitresses to give them your power of attorney as a tip.  The breastaurant is called "Hogan's Beach" and supposedly opened on New Year's Eve.  Hulk Hogan told the Tampa Beach Times that it was "going to be Jimmy Buffett's [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10".  Basically it will be T.G.I.Friday's with Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the walls.  It's also said to feature "a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, fire pits, cabanas and tiki huts."  I sort of would like to go just to see drunken tourists fall off the shark.  I'll stick to the overpriced drinks because I'm assuming the food will be just as bad as what they serve at Guy Fieri's restaurant.  It better be a better place than Pastamania.

From a bald bleach blonde douchbag to a spikey haired bleach blonde douchebag.  My high school English teacher said I was severely poor at transitions in my writing.  The jokes on you Mr. K.  I WRITE ON XANGA!  Guy Fieri is certified gutter trash and it's no wonder that he is now selling pizzas at Sam's Club.  The only good thing he's produced are the negative reviews for his restaurant.  Well his restaurant got negative reviews and now his frozen pizzas are getting negative reviews.  Here they are: "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "I love chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows - in short, I love s'mores... but this was the worst - and I MEAN the WORST dessert ever. Everyone was right - it was soooo spicy. I WILL be bringing this back to Sam's Club for a full refund. It makes me so mad that Guy Fieri would ever allow people to eat something like this - I was sick from it. Did I mention it was spicy?"  "This is the worst thing I have ever bought. There was something very hot in it that burned our tongue and throat. We had to throw it away and I don't know what to do with the other one as they come 2 in a pack. Would never buy this again and would never recommend it to anyone!"  "My son thought this would be a great substitute for his birthday cake because he loves smores and pizza. Well, no where on the box does it say the smores pizza is loaded with Cayenne and chili peppers. We like spicy, but not on smores! This is disgusting! What a disappointment! Thank God for Sam's product guarantee... This is definitely going back for a refund!" "We purchased this product because it looked delicious on the box and had Guy Fieri's name on it. I can't believe he would put his name on this awful stuff!"  Spicy, vomit-inducing, life-ruining and makes you want to stick your tongue on a block of dry ice to stop the grossness from burning into your tongue?  Yeah that pretty much sums up Guy Fieri.  Cayenne pepper on S'mores?  I'm getting sick.  I wonder what it will take to make him and Food Network stop.

Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner tied the knot.  He's 86 and she's 26.  That sort of gives me hope that one day I'd be able to find someone but I doubt I'll live to be that old.  I probably should start my porn empire.  It is the year of living recklessly.  OFF TO TUMBLR!

Hayley Williams of the band Paramore turned 24 this week.  Remember when "she" was on Xanga?  Yeah, that was pretty awesome. 

Even though Demi Moore is richer than Ashton Kutcher, she is delaying the divorce process because she wants a large sum of money.  In our Ramen, store brand bread, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer world, Ashton Kutcher is wealthy but when you look at Demi Moore's networth you really can't say "get that cash".  It's like Donald Trump rolling the valets at his casino for their $75 in tips every day.  She wants a fat one (I hope some girls out there want a fat guy) like the one she got from Bruce Willis and even though she's loaded in more ways than one she will not walk away without getting that cash.  She needs to buy Red Bull and whippets.  I'm tired of feeling embarrassed for Demi.  Just slash his tires and move on.

Danica McKellar turned 38 this week.  Oh Winnie Cooper, I still love you and I've always had a special place for you in my stone cold heart after you dumped that jerk in the Jets coat.  Bonus points if you get that.

Christina Hendricks was interviewed by The Daily Mail and she claims that when she started modeling she was a blonde and when she was asked to dye her hair red they said she was ugly: "When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, 'You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair.'  I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.  I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!"  I have to say the red suits her but, Christina, let's be honest here, no one, and I repeat NO ONE, is looking at your hair.

Just when I started to think Charlie Sheen had turned over a new leaf by bailing out down on their luck actresses/prostitutes and donating money to kids with cancer and staying sober for his new TV show which just did the insane thing and asked the company to produce 90 more episodes so they can rush it into syndication, Charlie Sheen shit on all of that.  He has opened a bar in Cabo and it's called Sheenz.  That's not even the worst.  At the grand opening, he was onstage in the bar and yells at the crowd, "How we doing? Lying bunch of faggot asssholes, how we doing?"  He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp.  I think he had a lisp of the brain.  He should stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped. 

Britney Spears is probably going to be fired from The X Factor because she wasn't crazy enough for TV.  What a grand country in which we live!  An insider with the show says that she, along with other judge Demi Lovato, will be fired.  The insider said, "Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn't working.  They paid all that for her to say 'amazing' and offer half-claps.  He (Simon Cowell) wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney."  Much like The Voice and American Idol, The X Factor isn't about the people on the stage.  It's just an excuse for networks to parade America's great reservoir of idiots and narcissists on stage so the hosts can pick on the low hanging fruit. But as it turns out, the majority of the hosts are fruit already rotting on the ground. Britney Spears judging a singing competition? That's like me judging a competition that tells you which bra or tampon is the most comfortable

Courtney Love and Frances Bean Cobain...no comment necessary

Well Merry Christmas to you Courtney Stodden.  I guess you put the "ho" in "Ho, Ho, Ho".  You can use that one at home in the home version GodfatherofGreenBay Celebrity Round Up boardgame.  In an article on Huffington Post, Courtney's mom waxes about how Courtney is here for the long haul: "Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett."  Marilyn Monroe?  No.  Jenna Jameson...maybe.  And if she's like Pam Anderson she better start looking for a good camera to capture that homemade sextape.  She goes on: "It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."  It is kind of hard to ignore a girl who always looks spaced on on pain medicine and is married to a guy 30+ years older than her with her breasts practically falling out of everything she wears.  Courtney's mom continues: "She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad."  This is a classic example of marketing at it's finest.  I can't comment any more because my brain hurts and my eyes are spinning like slot machines.

This was taken from Nickelodeon Magazine many years ago.  Sometimes the jokes write themselves.  So what is Lindsay up to these days besides being sober for New Year's?  She is complaining that the producers of Scary Movie 5 tricked her.  Lindsay claims that they filmed a scene showing her screaming in horror at a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded but in the preview that came out recently it showed her screaming in terror watching a video of her sashaying out of a courtroom after her probation was revoked.  She claims the producers are getting even with her because of her allegedly trashing her trailer and backing up all the toilets on the set.  I wasn't planning on seeing this movie but now I sort of want to because I'm hoping for more jokes like that.  Lindsay also been quite mad at the IRS but now she should be singing their praises because she got a discount.  They knocked down her bill to $93,000 from the $100,000.  This means that the money Charlie Sheen gave her was enough and she has money leftover to buy scratch-off lottery tickets.  OH wait a second, that was just for her 2009 taxes.  She still owes $133,000 for 2010 and 2011.  I wonder how she'll be able to make that sort of money.  Maybe making "personal appearances" with Asian princes.  Lindsay was in London over New Year's and was spotted at a posh hotel wearing a fancy fur.  This is odd because her bank accounts have been frozen.  How did she afford that and how did she get there?  Well the Sultan of Brunei's son, Prince Haji Abdul Azim, paid Lindsay along with her mother Dina to come to London to celebrate New Year's Eve with him.  This is the same guy who paid Lionel Ritchie $250,000 to sing for him and Pamela Anderson $75,000 to appear for him.  So Lionel Ritchie is worth 2.5 Lindsay Lohans, but Pamela Anderson is worth $25,000 less. Poor Pam. Nothing says "past your prime" like not being considered as attractive or interesting as a drunk, pathologically lying ex-con.  You may laugh at this act of desperation but I applaud it.  Lindsay actually got paid to be Lindsay Lohan, a pathologically lying ex-con.  This should be her new career.  Forget hiring clowns, magicians, and mariachi bands for your birthdays, hire Lindsay.  A coked out court jester is a step up from a clown for sure.

Amanda Bynes posted this photo on Instagram this week.  If Amanda Bynes could drive as well as she uses Instagram then she wouldn't have to worry about any jail time or fines.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I started doing this a few years back.  I never made New Year's resolutions before because I realized that I would eventually break them and that I should just save my breath and energy.  Lately as I have matured I think they are nice to make.  I also like to make predictions because I figure that I can do just as well as some of the major psychics.  Years back, I remember visiting my parents for the holidays and they were infatuated with this medium named Sylvia Brown.  The only thing that I found remarkable about her was her voice which had turned awful manly after years of smoking.  She also made appearances at the local casino to "talk with the dead".  Well on a year-end Montel Williams show special she made her predictions.  She said the Pope John Paul would die and would be succeed by a black man from Africa.  The funny thing was I think the pope lived another 5 years after her prediction failed to come true.  She also predicted that there would be a cure for diabetes and that John Travolta would die in a plane crash.  Man, I wish those would have come true.  Yes, I don't like John Travolta and had his plane crashed we would not have been subjected to Wild Hogs and Battlefield Earth.  Later on I found a website that said of all her predictions, that her best year she was accurate 10% of the time.  Well my gambling instinct took over and I figured that I could make predictions and be just as accurate.

Let's begin by reviewing what I said about 2012.  My current thoughts are in parentheses.
My Resolutions for 2012
1.  1280 X 960 (Yeah, that was awesome)
2.  I will be a better person (I didn't always think this one worked but two of the last three months I thought it was so much better)
3.  Tell people how I feel (I struggled with this one)
4.  Jump on the “let’s kill all dictators and terrorists” bandwagon. I plan on killing at least one dictator even if it’s just a mid-level oppressive despot.  (I was saddened that this one was one I didn't do)
5.  I think I’ll lose some weight…by sawing off my conjoined twin (I lost a lot of water weight by being incredibly dehydrated and anemic)
6.  I’m going to take up a new hobby.  Last year I did more fishing so this year I may take up fly fishing, ice fishing, knitting, or sexual mind-control. (I didn't get in a lot of fishing this summer but I did some ice fishing and I took up the hobby of wine making)
7.  Fight off a gang of three attackers but they don’t necessarily have to attack all at once.  Like I could attack them all throughout the entire year at different times. (This may have happened but I can't say for sure because the authorities may be reading)
8.  Tell everyone about a food item or movie that is really awesome but I secretly hate and then laugh at their angry emails and texts. (I sang the praises of Cloverfield)
9.  Set something big on fire. (Bonfire count?)
10.  Donate to the needy guy invading my home.  (No one invaded my house other than workers to fix my furnace)
11.  Not judge a woman by how big her breasts are but just how she reacts when she catches me sniffing her hair. (Half of that was true)
12.  I am going to be a better person in my mind.  (I think I said it before but I think I accomplished this but it may have been to my detriment)
13.  I am going to do volunteer work (I do so much for my church)
14.  I am going to brew my own beer, wine, or cider (I made a lot of grape wine and am currently in the process of bottling my own hard lemonade)
15.  I am going to enjoy life (This one was off and on)

My Predictions for 2012...my current thoughts in parentheses
2012 Predictions
1.  A major earthquake will hit somewhere within the U.S. and it will be so massive that new land from the ocean will be reclaimed and many people will consider this to be Atlantis. (Strike)
2.  A murder investigation about Kurt Cobain will be opened (Swing and a miss)
3.  Fidel Castro will die (He probably did but they hid it)
4.  Kim Jong Un will be assassinated and this will set off a new war and it will lead to a united Korea. (Swing and a miss)
5.  Due to droughts in the west and south, water will become scarce and there will be fights over water (I'm claiming this one because we had severe droughts)
6.  A major breakthrough will be made in the Zodiac killings and the case may be solved (Zodiac is still out there)
7.  There will be a showdown between the U.S. and China much like the Cuban Missile Crisis and we will enter a new Cold War and this will boost the American economy. (I wish the economy boosted)
8.  O.J. Simpson will admit he killed his wife and Ron Goldman in exchange for release from prison. (O.J. is still in prison)
9.  Joe Biden will not be Obama’s vice presidential candidate (Obama best be thankful this one didn't come true because if it wasn't for Crazy Uncle Joe winning the VP debate he would've never fired up Obama to do better in the last debates)
10.  Penn State will have a horrible football season and they will consider disbanding the program and this will cause Joe Paterno to die. (Joe Paterno died and there was a brief discussion of disbanding...2)
11.  President Obama will be re-elected due to a split in the Republican party.  Mitt Romney will win the nomination however the evangelical Christian portion of the GOP will not tolerate this due to Romney’s Mormon belief so they will run a third party candidate. (I'm claiming this one because Obama won and there was a poor Republican turnout in some states.)
12.  The 2012 election results will be significantly delayed because it will be too close to call. (Not quite but Florida took forever to declare the results)
13.  Romney will choose David Petraeus or some other former military man as his running mate. (Nope)
14.  The Book of Mormon will become a widely read book. (I've actually asked about this and the libraries in my area can't keep it on their shelves)
15.  Viruses will bring down every Apple device in the world. (Apple still sucks)
16.  The world will not end in December of 2012 but people will go mad as the predicted day looms because of rising unemployment, lower wages,and lower standards of living. (I claim this one because the world didn't end and a lot of crazy shit took place)
17.  Microsoft will be company of the year after they buy Nokia and introduce a new smartphone that will make the iPhone look like a Speak and Spell. (Sadly no)
18.  Iran will continue to do crazy shit. (Of course this one came true)
19.  Oil prices will drop significantly. (Well they have dropped quite a bit so yes)
20.  Arab Spring will return and this one will be worse and of course the U.S.will become involved and it will lead to a Palestinian state. (This one is always on the verge of happening but no)
21.  Iraq will become the U.S. of the Middle East when they intervene in Syria. (Nope)
22.  Marijuana will be legalized (I didn't say nationwide so this one came true)
23.  The European Union will fall apart and the U.S. will intervene (No and somewhere I'm sure people are upset that it didn't happen)
24.  The economy will not improve. (Depends on who you're talking to...I'm claiming it)
25.  People at FOX News will complain about NPR (Of course)
26.  Oprah and Gayle will come out of the closet and announce they were married in Iowa (This one didn't come true but it should've because it may save Oprah's tv network)
27.  Donald Trump will divorce his wife and Rosey O’Donnell will break up with her girlfriend so they can be together. (This didn't happen...thank god)
28.  Xanga will finally drop chat and introduce games (Even though there are no games this one sort of scared me because I forgot I predicted it)
29.  Xanga will offer more social sharing and become a clone of Pinterest, Tumblr, and Instagram (I'm glad this one didn't happen)
30.  Xanga will see high numbers of posts leading up to the election and then the numbers will drop significantly after November (Bingo)
31.  Because people want to legislate bullying and acceptance, Xanga will become a test ground for a new social emotional learning curriculum (I'm claiming it even though Xanga wasn't used so many places, my county for one, have started online patrolling for bullying and the first offense is like a $5 fine)
32.  The U.S. Supreme Court will begin hearings on Prop 8. (They started looking at it)
33.  Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin will become the first openly gay U.S. Senator. (Bingo)
34.  Greece and Italy will be taken over by fascist leaders and they will implement big changes and the new scapegoats will be the Muslims but they’ll also blame the Jews. (Even though the Jews are the scapegoats for everything this didn't happen)
35.  Despite spending a record amount of money in free agency,the Florida Miami Marlins won’t make the playoffs. (They were the worst in their league and basically dropped all their acquisitions including manager)
36.  A celebrity will lose their life in a tragic way. (Whitney Houston?  Jenni Rivera?  Michael Clarke Duncan?  Bob Welch?  Robin Gibb?  Donna Summer?  MCA?  2 from the cast of Welcome Back Kotter?)
37.  A major sports pro-athlete will come out of the closet and will lead to unrest in the sports world. (One of the stars of the U.S. soccer team came out right before the Olympics)
38.  There will be numerous natural disasters and in most instances the Mayan calendar will be discussed (Well it somewhat is true because when stuff happened History Channel would bring out all their Mayan programming)
39.  I will become disinterested in a human interest story. (I can't watch the news without becoming disinterested)
40.  Contact will be made with another planet. (Does Mars count?  Yes?  OK)

22 out of 40 so basically 50%...I beat Sylvia Browne.

My Resolutions for 2013
1.  I will be a better Xangan
2.  I am going to make some drastic moves with the stock market
3.  I am going to get credits in a movie, tv series, or in a book.
4.  I am going to win the battle of the bulge and by bulge...wink wink nudge nudge
5.  I am going to be able to tell someone I love them
6.  I am going to resume regularly playing piano and guitar
7.  I will use my foreign language knowledge for good.
8.  I will be part of an inside joke.
9.  I am going to be a better person in my mind.
10.  I am going to do volunteer work
11.  I am going to enjoy life
12.  I will tell people how I feel and will try being more considerate
13.  I’m going to take up a new hobby.
14.  I will lose weight
15.  I won't die.

My Predictions for 2013
1.  I will become apathetic to a major news/human interest story.
2.  Iran will do crazy shit
3.  Iran will start a war in April after a solar eclipse occurs
4.  There will be martial law declared in America.
5.  A former U.S. president will die.
6.  There will be a breakthrough in the discovery of a treatment for AIDS.
7.  A celebrity will lose their life in a tragic way.
8.  A sports figure in a major sports league will come out of the closet.
9.  A major and active professional athlete will commit suicide
10.  Bees will be declared an endangered species.
11.  Disney will buy the rights to license Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Cupid, and the Tooth Fairy.
12.  We will be paying more for gas than this year and prices will likely hit $8 to $10
13.  Puerto Rico...51st State
14.  The U.S. auto industry will become the strongest it has ever been when GM unveils a muscle car that gets 100 mpg and costs under $10,000.
15.  The movie Independence Day will come true however instead of battling aliens, America will battle terrorists with President Obama leading the charge.  Instead of fighting from a jet, he'll fight from a tank and will mow down terrorists with a machine gun.
16.  Old Faithful will cease to be faithful and will erupt causing much of Yellowstone National Park to burn and be rendered void.
17.  That Progressive Insurance girl, Flo, I am so attracted to her.  I will bang her in a booze-fueled wild rumpus of a weekend.
18.  Relations with Cuba will be normalized and President Obama will have a photo session with Fidel Castro.
19.  That Vatican will move back to France after a molestation scandal in Italy forces them to flee in the middle of the night or because of volcanic activity.
20.  There will be numerous natural disasters.
21.  A major news station will quit broadcasting to focus primarily on bringing news to mobile devices
22.  Bill Murray will win an Oscar because he's Bill Fucking Murray
23.  Google will do something that grossly violates privacy yet no one will care
24.  A law banning guns will be passed but people immediately rebel and stock up on weapons thus causing the law to be repealed for fear of massive rebellion.  They will try to pass the law over and over because each time it boosts the economy.
25.  The NRA will continue to be hounded.
26.  A sliding glass door will kill someone so people will clamor for sliding glass door control
27.  A NASCAR driver will win a race while drunk causing people to call for a repeal of all DWI laws.
28.  A celebrity sextape you don't want to see will be released.
29.  Lindsay Lohan will die.
30.  Pope Benedict will absolve Lindsay of all her sins and make her the patron saint of lost causes.
31.  Medical breakthroughs will see a cure for hangnails and ingrown toenails.
32.  There will be a massive AMTRAK derailment and people will call for AMTRAK to end.
33.  The Fiscal Cliff will keep coming back every two months because Congress won't do anything and compromise will be considered a dirty word.
34.  A comet will pass earth and will be very visible and will cause mass hysteria.
35.  The NHL will fold permanently as labor talks break down.  A new league will spring up in its place.
36.  The Grand Canyon will collapse.
37.  Syria's president will try to use chemical weapons on his people but a miraculous being will intervene.
38.  The Caribbean will be hit hard by hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunami.
39.  The earth has begun shifting on December 21st and over the course of the year the poles will reverse and we will see rings form around our planet much like Saturn.
40.  More misdeeds will be revealed about the banking industry and people will be dis-empowered to do anything about it.
41.  Xanga will continue to kick ass.
42.  I will get married.

So those are my predictions.  I know they might be vague but look at Nostradamus.  He was vague as hell and people consider him to be the best.  I saw a guy last night explain how the name Mabus could have been Nostradamus predicting Osama, Sadam, W. Bush, and Obama.   I also predicted in 2009 that Osama Bin Laden would be captured and killed.  SO IN YOUR FACE!

Scumbags, the lot of them

I like Fiscal Norm better

I remember making guns with pens in grade school.

How will this work with #42?  Stay tuned.

Best use of call sign letters ever

SWEET!  All my shoes are Nikes.

This needs to be real.

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when Santa is stripped of everything including his beard.

This is what happens when you mix delusion, despair, and Etsy.

Vikings fans at Lambeau...be prepared.

The Jerk Store called, they want their dress back.  @Peridot21 isn't that a perfect dress?

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Such a devout fan to go and handicap themselves just to get those plates.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and covered in parsley.

Have a great year

Guess what!  I have an erection but you’ll never guess where.

Calling me a confirmed bachelor is just a polite way of saying that I’m a “fat loser who couldn’t get a woman if he had hundred dollar bills hanging out of his zipper”.

My autocorrect changed “tomorrow” to “the end”.  Maybe the Mayans were right.

I like to call my penis “Rick Moranis” because it’s short and hasn’t been in anything for quite a long time.

The teacher naming all the hobbits in the lunchroom line wasn’t as impressive as how fast it took me to steal his lunch money and give him a swirly.  Speaking of The Hobbit, it doesn’t take a showing of The Hobbit for me to show up at a movie theater in suspenders with hairy feet.  I should really quit drinking.

I can count on one hand how many hands I have.

Pokemon is the Michael Vick scandal dumbed down for kids.

I think if I ever graded an essay that had the first sentence “Listen here, you little shit,” I’d give it an A just because.

This afternoon I saw a bird eating a worm in my backyard.  Old sayings are stupid.

I can’t believe people still make jokes about the Titanic.  They are sinking to new depths for humor.

If I go to Denny’s and the waitress asks “How do you like your eggs,” I wonder what would happen if I said “Nogged”.  And to let you know, I’ve never had eggnog.

I have such a hard time watching Everybody Loves Raymond.  Who am I supposed to sympathize?  They were all shitty people.

Have you ever been so horny it made you nervous?

Life is just like a game show where the asshole next to wins because he always bids $1 more than you do.

I don’t understand why people think the Mona Lisa is Leonardo DaVinci’s best work.  His roles in Titanic and Inception were very good.

I get irrationally mad when I’m watching a movie with a budget of $100million+ and they have fake family photos in the background that look like they were drawn by a 6 year old on MS Paint.

Do you ever think that people who post porn on Tumblr orXanga get hate mail? “Hey that photo of a dick you just posted, well that dickis so tiny.”  “Dude, that vagina is way too hairy.”

I always thought Shania Twain was stupid for not naming her son Choo Choo.

Why isn’t the element of surprise on the periodic table?  Maybe one day a scientist will sneak it in and we’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Making out with a girl for the first time is the coolest thing and the second coolest thing is driving home and becoming aware of all the parts of your face where she was kissing and tasting her lip balm on your lips. The third coolest thing is nachos.

I find it interesting that since the vote to legalize marijuana, the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks have a combined record of 15-1.

I want to grab your attention and by “attention” I mean boobs and butt.

Girls who are afraid that their thighs touch: you won’t have any more fears if you let me keep my head between your thighs.

A New Year’s kiss?  I plan on staying at home and watching everyone have fun in Time Square while I drink champagne straight from the bottle.

Pacman reminds me of “Human Centipede” and Centipede does not.  In other news I should probably upgrade my video game console.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: “I was blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.”  “Are you a 90 degree angle because you’re looking right?”  “You’re as hot as the bottom of my laptop.”  “You can call me‘Rain’ because I’ll be getting you wet tonight.”  “Are you a Pokemon trainer because you’ve captured my heart?”

According to sources, it costs about $20,000 to hire an assassin so if you ever think you’re worthless, just remember you’re worth $20,000 to someone out there. Happy holidays, everyone!

With all the strife in the world and unrest about the future, I wonder how Christmas was for Tila Tequila.

I’m thinking my insomnia is payback for all those naps I refused to take when I was a kid.

It’s so funny to see people base their relationships off cheesy photos they see on the internet and then get upset when their own relationship doesn’t live up to the standards of Tumblr photos and acted miffed when the person dating them doesn’t build them a house or write them 365letters.  “Oh you want to do cute relationship stuff?  OK let’s have rough sex in public.”

I’m not feeling that well so I went to WebMD.  Apparently I’m either high on meth or having a stroke.

I keep relapsing in my caffeine addiction so basically I’m Charlie Sheen without the whores.

I take the “L” and “R” on my headphones way too seriously.

I don’t understand sexting. Call me old fashion, but if I want to have sex with someone, I’ll write them a hand written letter politely requesting a photo of their boobs.

When I’m really depressed, I like to skip to the front of a line, because I’m a cutter.

Can pregnant women drive in the carpool lane? Trick question, women can’t drive.

When my girlfriend and I met on the internet, it was love at first site. Thanks www.mormonfuckfest.org!

My girlfriend’s tone of voice is so annoying when she’s nagging at me, it probably doesn’t help that she’s deaf.

I want to watch a Wes Anderson movie.  You know the one with quirky characters and an all "British Invasion" rock soundtrack.

I am spending New Year’s Day staying at home, watching football, and getting drunk with my cats. My life is awesome.

Unless you are Dr. Emmett Brown or Dr. Who, saying “See you next year” is not acceptable.

If Disney and Nintendo taught me anything it’s that princesses are morons.  I’m half expecting Princess Kate to be abducted by a gang of mushrooms and turtles one of these days.

Who wants to make a bet that I’ll be single all of next year?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

On New Year’s Day I almost vomited from the smell of my ownbreath.  Don’t worry, ladies, I’m still single.

I think one of my 2012 resolutions should be that I start wearing my pants below my ass and constantly grab my crotch while screaming,“Fuck bitches, get money.”  If I do that then people will definitely respect me.

Today, I put on a Forever Lazy and then I put on a Snuggie on top of it.  I just guaranteed that I will never have sex ever again but then my New Year’s resolution was to be celibate despite women not caring.

My dad informed me that he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas.  He said he wanted a time machine so he could go back in time to tell himself to buy condoms.

Contrary to popular belief, laughter isn’t the best medicine.  It’s oral sex.

Ladies, you don’t have to look like (insert name of current“hot” flavor of the week) to satisfy a man. All you need to know is how to make delicious banana bread and I will hold your purse wherever you want to go. (Hint…the godfather is hungry for some banana bread)

I want to be a porn director because if you’re a director you experience all the glam of the porn industry and you get to keep yourself-respect.

Too bad the Green Bay Packers’ loss was not covered by State Farm.

I’m not saying my girlfriend’s a gold digger but she works in a goldmine for 12 hours a day.

Masturbation isn’t sex with someone I love.  And does that mean I’m a chubby chaser?

Does anyone know when they’ll change the name of Man vs.Food to Man vs. Food vs. Congestive Heart Failure?

Nothing makes me feel more manly than when a woman screams “Oh my god, it’s so hard,” as I’m trying to teach her how to assemble a shotgun.

Did you know that they are now making vibrators that can also open jars?  Men have been officially rendered useless.

Why is it that I have 40 emails, 99 notes, and 27 friend requests on Facebook but my phone hasn’t rung since Thanksgiving?

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.  720p can suck it.

My New Year’s resolution is to buy a calendar.  Happy Halloween, everyone!

I went to for a dentist appointment and I accidentally sat on a syringe filled with Novocain.  I am such a numbnuts and numbass.

Wisconsin fact #1: 50% of all the world’s cranberries are grown in this state and I live near the Ocean Spray bogs.  If you’ve ever had one of Ocean Spray’s fine products you are tasting my essence because there have been wild nights of debauchery that end with swimming in the Ocean Spray cranberry bogs.

Wisconsin fact #2: We have to hang a pot roast outside our doors at 9pm every night to appease the timberwolves that roam the streets so they won’t eat our children riding the school buses in the country.

I kissed my computer screen at midnight so you got kissed by me.  And you don’t want to know what I pressed on the screen at 2AM.

Xanga is the only place online where having a mental illness is considered advantageous.

Xanga is where you post your most intimate thoughts and people come and shit all over them.

Do you remember the good old days when Xanga had chat and the first thing you did after you logged in was quickly sign off chat because Xanga didn’t give an option to turn off the chat feature?  So do you miss Meebo?

NPR said Xanga was a relevant media outlet.  I can’t even write a punchline for this one.

Xanga doesn’t look that impressive when you first start but once you get involved with some drama it turns into Cloverfield.  Wow, a Cloverfield joke…and people have said I was brilliant.

Is there nothing better in life than denying a mass friend request on Xanga?

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Where Grown Adults Use the Word “Crush” and I Desperately Wish to be someone's Crush Once Again.

It’s pointless to debate religion, gun control, abortion,politics, rape, circumcision, gay rights, and Batman’s penis size on Xanga.  No matter how convincing you are you’re never going to change anyone’s mind on these things.  Seriously, has anyone changed their opinion based on a Xanga comment or post?

And we’ve reached that point in the evening where I now consider masturbating or going to bed.

Class, I read your previous assignment.  I just want to say that I love all of your answers and participation.  It makes me feel so good that most of you take the time to answer my questions.  I'm sorry I haven't been to your sites this weekend but things got busy and then Saturday night I popped my knee out of joint after I posted my Caturday post.  It was the most intense pain I've ever felt.  I got no sleep at all and then finally Sunday afternoon I started hobbling around.  My mom asked if I was dehydrated and I probably was so I started drinking a lot of water and then the pain went away.  I don't know why that helped but it did.  I'm still limping around but I'm managing.  It just hurts to sit for anything more than 5 minutes.  I have been having so many problems with my knees lately.  Maybe I should just get replacement surgery.  I suppose I'll get better for the apocalypse.  Sorry for wasting your time with the personal stuff.  Everyone gets an A+

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  

B. 
  

C. 
  

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Well I was going to be crude and say "oral sex" but I don't know how to wrap my tongue and penis so I'll go with what I really want...happiness.  I just want to be happy for a change.

B.  I was actually talking about this today.  When I was in grade school I attended a Lutheran grade school two towns over and on Christmas Eve we had a huge church service that was led by the children.  Well it was actually led by the teachers and pastor but the students did all the singing and speaking.  Anyway, that year my classroom had to provide snacks because we had two services because so many people came they could only fit so many in the church at a service to be legally safe.  Well my mom bought a cheese tray with an assortment of cheeses.  They parked at my grandmother's house which was across the street from the church and school.  I had to walk on an icy street with the cheese tray.  I walked on the street because there were no sidewalks.  Anyway as I was about to turn to go into the school lot, I slipped on ice and fell and cheese was everywhere.  I scrambled picking up all the cheese and throwing it in the tray.  The bad thing was, if you know how they treat icy roads in these parts you'll know what was on my cheese...sand and rock salt.  I picked it up and carried it in.  The principal saw me and said to put the cheese by the other snacks.  Then he asked me if I had been playing in the snow.  I brushed myself off as I turned every shade of red.  When it was time for my class to go through the snack line after the first service I made sure not to take cheese from my tray.  When I got there it was gone.  I breathed a sigh of relief although I started feeling guilty that some other kids may have eaten cheddar and bacon cheese covered in sand and rock salt.  Then after the second service the sky cleared and the moon was full and it was shining on the snow and it made this eerie blue color all around.  My dad actually drove part of the way home without his headlights on because it was so bright.

C.  "Bridges are often built with a specific upward curve."  How did they know?

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas.

I usually don't write protected posts but I'm just going to try it this one time.  I usually don't like to make a #caturday post protected but sometimes you have to do it for the better good.  Honestly I have nothing better to say other than I have a horrible headache.  It feels like a bullet is going through my brain.  I guess you need to have been shot to understand that level of pain.

I hope everyone enjoyed this protected post and had a great weekend.

Well well well, I'm back.  Did you miss me?  No?  That's what I figured.  I know some of you have unsubscribed to me so you don't have to see my posts when you go through your subscription feed.  I love it.  I also drank some caffeine today and now I feel like I'm ready to become Charlie Sheen or maybe it's the booze.  I don't know anymore.  The only good thing is I'm not feeling any pain.

1.  Well it's getting to be that time of year again when everyone wants to review the best things of the year.  Well here's The AV Club's best film scenes of 2012.

2.  And here's The AV Club's best music of 2012.

3.  And here's The AV Club's best comedy albums of 2012.  I have to give props to The AV Club for linking to one of my videos.  I think I only have about 7 uploaded videos and they put one of Conan O'Brien visiting an old fashioned baseball reenactment.  It has 2 comments and over 2000 views.

4.  I actually tried to get back into Saturday Night Live this year.  Whatever I saw I wasn't displeased so here is a list of the 10 best sketches of 2012.

5.  Here's a list of the 10 best films of 2012.  I've only seen two of them so I can't say if it's a good list or not.

6.  I was always terrified of seeing Santa Claus when I was a kid.  I was one of those kids who when put on Santa's lap cried.  Well I get to relive that with this gallery of creepy Santa Clauses.

7.  OK just when you thought I was done kissing The AV Club's ass, here we have their list of their favorite holiday songs from the past 20 years.

8.  Are you looking for Christmas tree ornaments?  You should check out Bauballs.  They will match your Truck Nutz and the good thing is buying one will help fight male cancer.

9.  In case you haven't bought me a Christmas present yet, here's a site of Geeky gifts.

10.  Sometimes adults ruin kids' cartoons but here are some interesting theories about cartoons.  I definitely buy #5

11.  One thing I think we'll all remember from 2012 is the election.  I found this site on Tumblr called White People Mourning Mitt Romney.  They should be mourning since his son came out and said that Mitt didn't even want to run for president.  Should've nominated Ron Paul.

12.  Are you currently disgruntled?  Well try this site called gruntle.me.  It attempts to fix disgruntled humans.

And now what most of you came for...tattoos!

I'd love to play but if I pressed fast forward too much it would be over too fast.

The baby looks upset because he knows his future.

I saw this one today and well I paused because I saw the last panel first.

Now enjoy these Dexter tattoos

















Yeah that last one is a Dexter tattoo.  If you look closely enough it says "Dexter".  That may not be the reason I posted it...sigh...I really am alone.  Anyway I've been waiting on posting these for some time and decided it was high time to post them and I thought today was fitting since I downloaded all of the Dexter books to my ereader.  Now it's time to go get demented.

Have a great day.  I took my cats to the vet for their yearly vaccinations.  They always act weird after the shots so I have to give them aspirin tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to that.  We had somewhat of a snowstorm today...probably about 5 inches so nothing really shut down.  On the way to the vet I saw two bald eagles eating the carcass of a dead deer.  I spent the night inside because I didn't really want to drive anywhere and I'm just depressed.  I watched Ted and Shutter Island.  Great movies.  I'm addicted to ebooks and in the past two days I've downloaded something like 500.

I'm fascinated with this cat so I figured I'd go all out with the last #caturday before Christmas.

Have a great weekend.

No apocalypse...sort of bummed.  Now I'll have to go Christmas shopping.  Maybe the Mayans weren't talking about an end of a world but a new line of thinking and I'm thinking this new line of thinking should be more people reading this post.  Nah...that's pretty far-fetched.  Time for the round-up.

There's nothing more special than separated parents trying to buy their children's love during the holiday season.  Katie Holmes has spent more than $48,000 on presents for Suri.  Suri's biggest present is a Victorian playhouse costing almost $24,000. The small building, which will be set up in the family garden, includes running water and electricity. It's a step up from a homemade treehouse, but probably not as fun. Suri's pressie haul also includes an iPad mini, a $9,600 kids' version of a Mercedes, a Ralph Lauren dress and a Chloe fur coat.  Tom Cruise recently bought Suri a pony but since Katie lives in New York City she can't keep so Tom has bought Suri a mansion.  Yes, he bought her a mansion where she can house her horse.  On Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY.  I guess when Suri is naughty and Katie tries to discipline her instead of yelling at her to go to her room she'll say go to your Victorian playhouse or your Upstate NY mansion.  I get the idea that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich.  But for the love of Pete, can I get on their secret Santa list?  That money sure goes a long way when it's Lord Tom Cruise who earns it, doesn't it?  I bet he earned a lot of money for Jack Reach-around.  Hell, forget about Suri, you can buy my love for a lot less than $48k. $35k and a handjob every now and again is more than enough to get an "I love you, mommy" out of me this Christmas.

Tim Tebow is still a virgin and will be one for quite some time because he broke up with Camilla Belle this week.  They started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida.  Tebow had this to say: "I've been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there's also so much more than that for me. It's about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant's heart."  So he wants to date his mom and sisters...hmmm I'm trying to think of where he could play in the NFL where dating your mom and sister is appealing to the fan base.

Taylor Swift calls that mic "John Mayer".  When Taylor Swift turned 23 this month, her boyfriend Harry Styles spent $1500 on her for 23 cupcakes, a Jimmy Choo bag, and earrings. And since Taylor Swift has no fucking idea how to take shit slow, because she's a codependent love fool who falls in love with anyone famous who says hi to her, she just dropped $80K on Beatles memorabilia, because Styles is a fan.  She's been phoning Beatles stores in Liverpool hoping to find pieces of rare autographed memorabilia she knows Harry will love.  Conor Kennedy reportedly broke things off because apparently Taylor Swift was already talking about babies and getting married and this was less than a month ago. Note to self: 1. Tell Taylor Swift she's pretty 2. Tell her I'm a fan of cyborg dragons with laser eyes and strippers.  That's really nice of Taylor to give JC Chasez v 2.0 such a nice birthday present. Considering that they're in year one of the one-year boy band lifespan, that's gonna be one hell of a retirement package assuming he doesn't trade it all for money so he can buy nose candy.  Now before the One Direction lawyers start sharpening their knives, let me say that I am NOT accusing him of abusing drugs, but let's be honest, Justin Timberlake aside, there isn't an ex-boy bander alive who hasn't sucked a dude's dick for coke at some point in their life.  If you live long enough, you'll probably end up dating Taylor Swift because her vagina is basically Ellis Island and your chances just got better because after she left England, Harry Styles allegedly banged a bunch of college girls.  He was photographed at a party with a group of girls who sent out numerous tweets: "He told her she was very attractive and to take off her Minnie Mouse suit lol."  "Best day of my life! Chilled with him for like 3 hours!!! I was literally in shock the whole time, trying to play it cool haha, but inside i was freaking out!!!!!"  Having sex with Taylor Swift is fun and all but I think it's better having sex with Taylor Swift and other girls.  I think this Harry Styles fella is really onto something here. I may have to study his methods a little closer.  But then I probably could achieve orgasm faster if I was having sex with a pizza box.

Snooki gave birth in August and she's back to her partying ways.  It's alright because she left her child at home with a trusted nanny.  Locked closets aren't just for hanging clothes.  Now that Snooki is back drinking the liquor industry is rejoicing.

Rihanna was spotted in Barbados for her vacation from...what is it that she does again...partying and apologizing for her abusive boyfriend.  I guess it is hard work because her partying and apologizing is done here in the States so she had to leave the country.  She's renting some sort of beach house that is going for $9000 a night and has 10 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms.  Good.  She has plenty of hiding places when she "disrespects" her boyfriend.  I'm not making light of spousal abuse.  I just can't believe someone who was beaten as bad as she was is back with her abuser and apologizes for him and says she was to blame.  I really don't understand women which is probably why I'm single.  They say they care about you and they ignore you.  I must be really awful.  I guess I should upgrade from Dollar Tree cologne to Dollar General cologne.

President Obama was named Time's person of the year.  Damn!  4chan went to all that trouble to get the votes for Kim Jong-un and they won't recognize it.  What did Obama do?  Kim Jong-un has launched missiles and has beaten Kobe Bryant in a game of one on one.  He is the Supreme Commander that will take North Korea onwards toward victory.  Kim Jong-un's birthday is a national holiday.  Kim Jong-un cuts his own hair because he's afraid of barbers but that's not irrational because barbers have straight razors and could slice your throat.  Obama relies on barbers to cut his hair and that's not self-sufficient.  Kim Jong-un has also declared that William Shakespeare did in fact write all his plays and sonnets and he also invented the GIF.  What has Obama done?  I bet Malia and Sasha stuffed the ballot box to get their dad elected.  I bet he got nominated because it turns out he's Spidreman's biggest rival and comic book nerds like that sort of thing.  I don't know, I'm sort of still liking Kim Jong-un.

Pamela Anderson will be appearing on a reality show in the U.K.  She will be a contestant on Dancing on Ice, a ridiculous ice skating competition.  I thought Dancing with the Washed Up Stars was bad enough.  Oh well, anything for a paycheck, right?

TMZ somehow got a hold of photos from Miley Cyrus' birthday party celebrating her 20th birthday last month.  I bet one of Miley's friends is driving a new car right now.  Miley sent this Tweet out before her birthday: "if I don't get atleast one big booty hoe my friends are officially not my friends anymore".  She had a party at a house and her friends ordered strippers.  Miley also supposedly received a lap dance from this nice lady.  Now that her true self is being revealed, I'm surprised that Billy Ray kept her in reign while she was on Hannah Montana.  If he wasn't around we'd be talking about the abortion and birth center part of a hospital called "The Miley Cyrus Center for Girls Who Fell for the 'I'm Just Putting in the Tip' Line".  I'm also looking at Miley and then looking at Justin Bieber.  Wow, they look alike.  I don't think they've ever been in the same room at the same time so they could be the same person much like Miley was Hannah Montana.  This is also what I expect it will look like once VH1 starts celebreality dating shows again and gives Justin Bieber a Flava of Love style show.

This is Micaele Schäfer.  She is a German attention whore who thinks she is a model and is just popular and in the scene to get invited to red carpet events where she is always half-naked.  I guess she's the German equivalent of the Kardashians or Paris Hilton.  She wore this for a Christmas event.  I think she totally captured the essence of Christmas because whenever I think of Christmas that's what I see.  If she's Santa I'd sort of like to see Krampus or Belschnikel.  Also whenever I think of the Brandenburg Gate, I see her.

This Margot Robbie.  She is an actress and is supposedly dating Leonardo DiCaprio.  They are also co-stars in DiCaprio's upcoming movie The Wolf of Wall Street.  This week Leonardo was spotted leaving her house early in the morning.  That's easy to explain, they were studying lines...nakedly of course.  This guy has banged his way through all the Victoria's Secret models and now he's banging his way through co-stars.  I just hope that Margot doesn't take her future dumping personally. Once you've accepted DiCaprio's DNA all over your face and chest, you've instantly become an elite member of whatever it is that you do. Case in point: Bar Refaeli. Before Leo discovered her vagina, she was selling falafel outside a Tel Aviv McDonald's.  I think when DiCaprio dies he should have his penis encased in gold and mounted on a plaque with a plate that says "Vagina Master Key".

A week before the tragic shootings in Newton, CT, all was right in the world for Ke$ha.  She had the #3 song on the charts with her song titled "Die Young".  According to radio airplay trackers, her song was reaching 167 million listeners nationwide the day before the shooting.  A day after the shooting, the song only reached 164 million listeners and by Monday it was down to 149million which is a sign that radio stations are pulling her song.  A drop this significant in a short time is rare and the last time it happened was when The Dixie Chicks were banned from country radio after their comments about then President Bush.  So it seems like Ke$ha’s catchy tune was pretty unlucky, as the song’s popularity has been cut short for a very good reason.  I think the song will drop to someplace next to the dumpster where Ke$ha sleeps.  She took to Twitter to apologize for the song and say that some mysterious being made her sing those lyrics even though she's credited with co-writing the song.  She tweeted: "I'm so so so sorry for anyone who has been effected by this tragedy and I understand why my song is now inappropriate.  Words cannot express."  "I understand.  I had my very own issue with "die young" for this reason. I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED to."  I wish whoever forced her to sing those lyrics would've forced her to take a bath.  I bet it was the Illuminati or Kimmy Gibbler but more than likely the Jews will be blamed.

Deadmau5 proposed to Kat Von D in the douchiest manner ever and of course she said yes so they are now engaged.  He asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter.  Maybe they can send "I Love You" notes over New Myspace.  He sent this out via Twitter.  And she said "yes" and then he posted on Twitter: "holy fucking shit. im engaged and stuff!"  I really can't wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he's still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there's that.

Justin Bieber pissed off the entire Philippines after taking to Instagram to mock Manny Pacquiao's recent loss to Juan Manuel Marquez, and now they're threatening to ban him from the country.  He posted a few images on Instagram from the recent fight.  One is here and another is here.  I can't find the third but it was of Floyd Mayweather standing over what looked like Manny Pacquiao.  Filipino congressmen are filing a resolution that demands an apology lest Bieber be named a person non grata and be banned from the country.  I think the only reason they are doing that is because Manny Pacquiao is a congressman as well and they don't want to be beaten by him.  The congressmen said that Bieber not only insulted Pacquiao but also the entire population.  I don't get how that's offensive to the entire population of the Philippines.  Talk about sensitive.  When asked about Justin Bieber, all Manny Pacquiao could say after he recovered from having his bell rung was that he'd pray for Bieber.  Ooops...I made light of Manny Pacquiao's defeat.  I guess I insulted all of the Philippines.  But seriously, am I to believe that Justin Bieber is some sort of tough guy?  Obviously neither I nor anyone else believes that Justin is a man's man who can handle his business with his fists, and that includes Justin herself. Good God, if Justin was any less intimidating he'd be a member of Fall Out Boy.  I know, I know, Justin has those big Twitter muscles that give him a loud mouth, but Manny Paquiao is a real man. Calling out someone's shitty music is just a matter of opinion -- calling a man a pussy for losing a fight with a legitimate fighter is what little bitches do.  As much as I dislike Pacquiao I'd like to see what Justin would've sent out on Twitter or Instagram following a fight with Pacquiao.  He'd probably be asking for a nurse to empty his colostomy bag and bed pan.

In case you didn't know, Holly Madison is pregnant.  I know, I know, I could hardly believe it because it's not like she doesn't talk about that shit ad nauseum and takes every opportunity she can to announce she's pregnant.  I bet she believes her child will grow up to be president or invent time travel or cure cancer.  The truth is the kid will grow up in Las Vegas and be exposed to all the drugs out there and will hang out with Criss Angel and eventually do street magic and give handjobs so he can eat at buffets.

Heidi Klum posted this photo of her sunbathing topless on Twitter this week.  Some media sources claimed this photo was racy.  Those media sources then took their girlfriend out for milkshakes and after a goodnight kiss the media outlets returned home to masturbate because their girlfriend wore a skirt that showed off her ankle.

Claire Danes isn't pregnant anymore.  She gave birth to a so called baby boy this week.  Her and her husband Hugh Dancy welcomed so called Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy into the world.  Cyrus-ly though?  That kid is a name hoarder.  I wonder if they'll get him on A&E's "Hoarders".  I was sort of hoping they'd name him Chase or Jordan or Graham or Rickie.  I wonder if she named him in honor of the Cyrus family...dear lord no.

Good news, everyone, Lindsay Lohan finally thanked Charlie Sheen for giving her money to pay off the IRS.  When I was in college and thought of a potential writing career I never imagined myself writing that sentence.  After Charlie called out Lindsay for not thanking him she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card.  People close to Lindsay say the reason she didn't give thanks for the gift was because she broke her cellphone and lost all of her contacts.  She should've just stuck a rolled thank you note inside a hooker and it would've reached Charlie in under 12 hours.  I guess it's the thought that counts but who gives Charlie Sheen flowers?  That's like giving Jessica Simpson vegetables or Tom Cruise a rubber vagina.  But if I know Lindsay and Charlie, she probably gave him a bouquet of morning glory seed packets.  Another reason Charlie is probably so upset with Lindsay about not thanking him is because in the movie Scary Movie 5 they were supposed to kiss three times but Lindsay refused to touch his lips with her lips.  That's saying A LOT.  She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Lindsay is delusional, but you can't hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth.  And speaking of whoring that is basically what Lindsay has reduced herself to doing now.  A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.  The company, 123Talent, also claims that "Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist."  I can't believe how entertaining (and long-lasting) Lindsay's meltdown has been. Her death spiral is changing the definition of what we used to call "rock bottom", which is really putting a hurting on my celebrity dead pool team.  Most celebs try to save face and disappear into obscurity as penance to their career suicides (see Winona Ryder, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards) but not my Lindsay.  And when I say "my" I totally can own her now and book her for my bar mitzvah.  Lindsay's a fighter.  Reports are also surfacing that while on the set of Scary Movie 5 Lindsay clogged all the toilets on location.  She clogged the toilet in her trailer and since all the toilets run on the same system she clogged all the others as well.  This forced the other "stars" of the movie, Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, and Heather Locklear, and the rest of the cast to use empty coffee cans for toilets.  Lindsay of course believes she was sabotaged by producers who snuck into her trailer and clogged the toilet because they were mad that she didn't show up the first day of filming because she had pneumonia.  Lindsay also says that when she did show up for work the toilet and shower didn't work.  She also claims that they took thousands of dollars out of her paycheck to pay for repairs.  Lindsay Lohan can't even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers.  I blame the toilet because it's the perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.  True story: one of my ex-girlfriends always clogged the toilet whenever she used it because she used like 11 rolls of toilet paper.  She was like 5'4" and 110lbs.  She would stay in the bathroom until her legs were numb regardless of what she was doing so basically I believe this story to be true.  I liked that girl too.  She'd climb on me like I was a mountain and I was compared to her...sigh...alone for Christmas.  Lindsay may be more popular than me but I don't owe the IRS any money and I don't have to resort to begging Charlie Sheen to pay off my fines.

Since I tend to post a lot of T&A, here's Brad Pitt.  He turned 49 this week.  I have to admit that as jealous as I am that women love him and throw themselves at me and throw themselves in front of traffic when they see me, I do enjoy some of his movies especially the one this photo was taken from.

Ashton Kutcher gave Demi Moore the Christmas gift that keeps on taking this year.  He filed for divorce and served her the papers this week.  He waited a year because of something about dignity and something about honor.  I bet the real reason is because Demi's been too busy devouring 20 year old penis and devoting her life to her Red Bull addiction.  Ashton cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for divorce and he doesn't want spousal support and will not give spousal support to Demi.  They will split up their estate at a later date.  Ashton will spend his Christmas with his face buried in Mila Kunis' crotch while Demi is worried about her daughters hating her so she has to go to a dive bar where she winks at all the guys under 23.  It will be her best Christmas ever and if she's still wearing her red string then...HAPPY KABBALAHKUH!

Amy Winehouse died in July of 201l and according to her death certificate it said that her official cause of death was "death by misadventure".  That almost makes it sound like she died in a hovercraft accident being chased by James Bond instead of dying of alcohol poisoning.  Well, this week British officials are opening an investigation into her death and it's not why you may think.  According to the Camden New Journal, Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy's death, doesn't really have the qualifications needed to fill the position.  So I guess that means any of us could beat her in a game of Operation.  The only reason she got the job is because her husband is named Andrew Reid and is a fellow coroner.  They have both resigned from their positions.  Suzanne Greenway didn't have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse's family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.  I hope they can finally let her rest in peace.

Coco is in Las Vegas now where she has taken over for Holly Madison, who is pregnant by the way in case you didn't already know, in the show Peep Show.  She dances around half-naked so I suppose I'd like tickets for Christmas if any of you got me for a secret Santa.  The only bad thing about this show is that the tourists mistook her ass for the carved meat section on the buffet.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Yesterday I posted some festive Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos and as promised I'm back with more today.  I didn't lose power like some people in this state.  I only got about 12 inches of snow but it's hard to tell because the wind picked up and is blowing the snow everywhere.  My neighbor plowed out my driveway around noon and by 2 it looked like he hadn't done anything.  I couldn't get out with my 4wd because the city plowed me shut.  Schools are already closing for tomorrow.  It's a mess but it may be the last day ever.  Anyway, enjoy these tattoos.

Have I ever told you about the one girl I dated who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week?  I once dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week.

So because I dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week I loathe these tattoos.

I refuse to watch that movie.

I don't know if this is Zombie Santa or Demon Santa. 

A lot of people tell me Elf is a good movie.  I've seen it once.  It's definitely not tattoo worthy.

I found this tattoo and it said it was supposed to be Darwin but I thought it looked like Santa...interesting how my mind interpreted that.

Here's another tattoo from the best Christmas special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I don't know why but I think it's because of Rudolph's expression that makes it look like Santa's trying to get Rudolph to do more than guide his sleigh by night.

This is the only deer to stand up to Santa.

Sweet Jesus!

That tattoo will die hard.  I just hope he never encounters a man named Hans Gruber.

And that, children, is why candy canes are red and white.

Jeden Tag, jeden Jahr!  That says, "Merry Christmas every day" in German for those who don't sprech Deutsch.

Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared supply up at me.

Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.

It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...

Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

You used up all the glue on purpose!

Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!

They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.

The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

Naddafinga!

Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.

A Bad Santa bad tattoo?  Actually it's not that bad if you are considering the artwork but why would you get a Bad Santa tattoo?  WHY?  Did you ask Santa for it?  My brain hurts.

I hope you have a happy holiday season and you avoid getting a regrettable tattoo.