Instead of the Power Rankings this week, I decided to repost some Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos for your amazement and bewilderment.  I will have the second part tomorrow evening as long as the Snowpocalypse doesn't take anything down.

He got an arrow through the throat because he wouldn't let Rudolph join in the reindeer games.

No way would I let that guy near my teeth.


Those are abominable.

Jerry Sandusky got a tattoo for Christmas.

Celebrate or not, there is no try when Christmas it comes to.

Did you know that "Santa" is derived from "Satan"?  Don't believe me, discuss it with the Church Lady.

I know this is from one of those old hokey Christmas specials but I can't remember which one.

At first I thought this was Woody from Toy Story but someone told it's from a Christmas special.  I was a deprived child.

Are the reindeer silent now Clarice?

I have a special present for you under my forest.

You have to do a lot of upkeep with this tattoo.  You rub peppermint on it once a day.

I have some mistletoe tattooed on my body where I'd like a kiss.

If you get this tattoo you'll always have your dreams of being a dentist crushed and will be forced to work on an assembly line.

Something on my body gets all red when I get excited...ok I'm really ruining Christmas with all my references to my penis.

Santa's gonna have to stab a bitch.

Why does Frosty look like he wants to steal my soul and then go snort copious amounts of coke?

The only thing this tattoo stole was a case of copyright infringement.

I'd like to hava little nagila with her.

You can't take the Jew out.

Jews for Jesus

I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for more Christmas tattoos tomorrow evening.

You do realize there’d be no Christmas had Ernest not saved it in 1988.

The struggle between wanting someone to take you seriously and wanting to text them naughty things is tough and exponentially tougher when you’re horny.

A plus side to being my friend is that you can show up to my house wearing pajamas and you won’t feel out of place because I’ll be wearing pajamas too.

You have a plan?  Oh yeah?  Well (p+l)(a+n) =pl+pn+la+ln.  Your plan has been foiled.

I don’t get why I have to pay so much money for clothes.  I’m hideously ugly naked so people should be paying me to be clothed.

I always wear layers of clothing to hide my hideous body and personality.

I enjoy all these people who claim to be Goths.  Please! You are not a real Goth until you’ve invaded Spainand sacked Rome.

They often say that “if your age is on the clock then you’re too young for the cock”.  That age is 24because they’re using a military clock.

According to my horoscope, I believe stupid things I read.

My cheese grater stopped working.  It won’t grate cheese for me after all I’ve given it.  That thing is so ungrateful.

Have you ever noticed that when a TV show has the word“Celebrity” or “Star” in the title that there are rarely people considered celebrities or stars on that show?  I tried watching Dancing with the Stars but I didn’t know who half the people were.  They probably should’ve gone with Canum Venaticorum, Canis Majoris, or Ursae Majoris and then I’d probably know more people on the show.

People with graph paper are not to be trusted.  They seem like they are always plotting something.

Have you ever went to Wikipedia to look for information on a movie you just saw and then you hit a couple of links and then 2 hours later you find yourself immersed in a page about the inner-workings of Vietnamese politics.

I found a Dorito on my carpet this evening.  That is where the story ends.  No further questions.

The holidays are upon us! I like to busy myself by stealing Christmas cards out of my neighbors mailboxes while they are at work. The extra money comes in handy this time of year. Then I like to take the cards and cut and paste them into cute little ornaments for my tree.

I was watching Mary Poppins, and got 3/4 of the way through, waiting to see her float down with her umbrella (I was fast forwarding through the scenes with naked hairy men in leather garb) ....then I realized it was Merry Poppers 3. The ending was the same though.

Breaking News: Facebook employees say that working for Facebook is the greatest job ever and the best place to work but then they scribble on a notepad, “Can’t talk, they are watching and listening to everything we say.”

No wonder Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a hotel that was open, it was Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake!

This is the one time of year I don’t regret getting that mistletoe tramp stamp.

Jews don’t believe in Santa Claus, because they can’t comprehend anyone that fiscally irresponsible.

Remember girls, you are more likely to get what you want for Christmas if you sit on Santa’s face

On Christmas Eve in 1989, a jolly man with a red suit and a white beard broke into our house through our chimney with a sack full of presents. My Dad shot the intruder 7 times. The man died, and father went to jail, but we did get to keep all the presents!

I don’t like secret Santa, he always whispers inappropriate things in my ear when I sit on his lap.

I just pray that Santa doesn’t have access to my browser history.

Chinese novels are too confusing for me.  There are just way too many characters.

I am a man of strict routine. I get up at the exact same time every day, I eat the exact same breakfast every morning, I take a 5 minute shower, brush my teeth for exactly 3 minutes, and then I rub one out and go tobed.

To protest the Vietnam War, some Buddhist monks set themselves on fire. To boycott Walmart, I started shopping at Target. I think we’re both heroes.

I’ve never tried choking during sex, unless of course, you are referring to my performance.

On December 21^st, NASA warns that the sky will grow dark.  They are calling this phenomena “night”.

Justin Bieber is awful. I wish we would’ve left him on youtube where he belongs.  Maybe if we did he wouldn’t have gotten the death plot.  So I guess we’re to blame.

Most people eventually become what they hate so eventually I’ll become a Nickelback album.

January 9, 1835 was the last time the U.S. debt was at $0.  It was short lived because President Andrew Jackson bought a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens and Beatings for Indigenous Peoples.

Why is it that every time a guy says he’s going to kick my ass, he punches me in the face?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Inside my massive frame there’s a sensitive boy that wants you to hold him and inside his frame there’s a pervert that wants to watch you take a shower.

Asking a girl how many men she’s slept with is just as bad as her asking how often you wear your exgirlfriend’s underwear while walking your dog.

My favorite beer is the one the hot bartender has to bend over to reach.

I hope this doesn’t come off as too pessimistic but we’re all going to die.

I wish belly buttons were more useful.  Maybe once in a while it could make me a steak dinner.

I am incapable of hearing the words “just hang in there” or “it will happen when it’s ready”.

Ladies, a good way to tell if a man makes more money than you is to go inside his bathroom and look at his soap.  If he has a bar of soap that is just a bunch of bars all clumped together chances are he doesn’t make much money or he’s slightly insane.

My penis is like a Nintendo cartridge.  You have to blow on it before you shove it into a tight space to get it to work.

They say that if you love something you should set it free.  But what happens if she decides to press charges?

Considering all the sex I’m not having, I’m pretty shocked I’m not married.

They say drinking alcohol doesn’t solve any problems but neither does water so I’ll stick with beer and whiskey.

I know the proper pronunciation of “Les Miserables”; it’s just that I choose not to pronounce it correctly.

If you want to explain to your children why you didn’t buy them any presents just tell them that Santa died because last year he came down your chimney and acquired miner’s lung.

One of these days I’ll win a Nobel Prize in literature for creating a word that rhymes with “orange”.

I like Hallmark Christmas movies because if it’s a 2 hour movie you can take a 90 minute nap and not miss a thing.

I was thinking of getting married but realized that for every time the girl laughs at my jokes before we’re married will turn into nothing more than eye rolls and the phrase “why did I marry this asshole” said under her breath after she says “I do.”

I was trying to find the perfect gift but I couldn’t find any partridges or pear trees so I guess they’ll have to settle for a goose I strangled at the lake park and a shrub I ripped out of someone’s front yard.

“The Nutcracker” is the perfect definition of what it’s like sitting through “The Nutcracker”.

It’s really difficult wrapping a puppy for a Christmas present.

Do you think it was awkward when they told the Asian actors in “A Christmas Story” that they had to sing “Fa ra ra ra ra”?

I love Christmas cards because I get to read stories that I’ve already read on Facebook.

Only 6 more days until I start my Christmas shopping.

What did ignorant people do with their thoughts before they had Xanga for writing and commenting?

I heard a rumor that there are people on Xanga who aren’t friends with @TheTheologiansCafe.

If you’ve never had to explain your screen saver, then your Xanga crush isn’t as pretty as mine.

I haven’t been on Xanga much lately.  I’ve been too busy polishing my grand master of karate tournament trophy that I bought at a yard sale last weekend.

I’ve been on Xanga so long that I now take more pleasure in getting emails asking about my mental health than emails asking where they can send photos of their boobs.

I tried some of these Xanga jokes out at the bar and all I got was, “What the hell is Xanga?  When my boyfriend gets back he’s going to kick your creepy ass out of here.”

I believe every Xang an has at lest one post in them that is top blog worthy and could change the way Xanga operates or reminds me to change my cats’ litterbox.

I wish I had a lover who went down on me as much as Xanga goes down.

Class, I read and responded to the last assignment.  I didn't reply to comments because I'm behind times and replied to the comments of three other posts tonight.  I feel like a bad Xangan.  One of these days my body will be better and I'll be able to be part of you fully.  You all get an A+.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
   

B.
 
And if you don't want to share your name tell us two facts about yourself.

C.
 
If you haven't played a video game then use the protagonist from the last book you read.

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Two women at the same time...one chopping wood and one digging holes.

B.  My name is Matt and I'm an alco---I own four guns and once hung out with a pro-wrestler.

C.  1.  Miles Davis
      2.  Aaron Rodgers
      3.  Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues
I am thinking I am going to ride out the zombie apocalypse in style and there will be some spectacular car chases if the zombies start chasing us with cop cars.

I believe it's called #Caturday sorry I have nothing else to say.  I just am trying to process so much stuff right now.

Hope you have a great rest of your weekend.  Also if you haven't done so, leave some comments over on my Celebrity Round Up.  I thought my Christmas present to Xanga would be a day without timestamping.

Wow I haven't done one of these in a couple of weeks.  I don't know if anyone missed it but whatever.  Time for the round up. 

Tom Cruise is tiny.  I hear this new movie he's in called Jack Reacher is about a guy who needs to use a step-stool to reach for things on shelves. Even though he's short, Tom is queen of his castle.  Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and more than likely a team of human bidets.  There is also a report that says his mansion is split into zones and employees are assigned to specific zones and not allowed to wander into other zones.  I guess that helps keep snooping maids out of his sex dungeon where he has prospective Church of Scientology members chained up for his nasty desires.  And speaking of Scientology, he has the scam church involved in the running of his house.  To be an employee for Tom Cruise, they have to take a test that is about as hard as the SATs.  One person claimed: "The test took an entire afternoon and included questions such as 'if you saw a car stuck on the train tracks with people inside, and a train approaching, what would you do?' The questions were just odd to say the least. Another section of the test dealt with math questions. It was a very rigorous, stressful and grueling test."  I bet the real question was: "If you saw a married, supposedly heterosexual movie star performing oral sex on another married, supposedly heterosexual movie star that is best known for singing and dancing in movies, would you tell TMZ?"

Tom Waits turned 63 this week.  He is one of my favorite singers.  There's just something about his voice that makes me want to fill a glass with scotch and sit in a recliner all day listening to him sing.

Please, Xanga audio, please work.

These two probably aren't that big of celebrities but they are trying...ummm...HARD!  Meet the Sexxxtons, the porn industry's mother-daughter duo.  A lot of people thought these two weren't related but Huffington Post did the research by checking out their driver's licenses and looking at their private Facebook pages.  Jessica is the 56 year old mother and Monica is the 22 year old daughter and like the other mother-daughter duo in porn, Elli and Desi Foxx, they have rules for when it comes to sharing a dude or chick.  They told Huffington Post: "We don't have a problem doing two-on-one. We will have sex with one man, but not interact with each other. It's not easy to do. Our lips never touch and that can be a problem when filming."  Monica got the duo into porn.  She dropped out of school in 9th grade and went into stripping and bartending.  She met some people in the porn industry and got her mom into the business and soon after she followed to help her mom hump dudes and chicks in front of a  camera.  Why does Monica do it?  Here's what she said, "I enjoy the sex and I enjoy being with my mom. During the scenes, I think about how we're going to be filthy rich."  She enjoys sex, money, and being with her mom so why not put all of them together.  I like eating candy, masturbating, and watching Roseanne but I'd never combine them.  Gosh I have so many Lohan jokes and so little time.  If you're wondering where they're from, it's Florida.  It's always Florida.

Taylor Swift turned 23 this week.  I guess she's already a cougar since she's going after guys in high school or fresh out of high school.  I guess that's fitting since she sometimes dresses like a grandma.  I wonder if she'd date me.  Nope, I'm too old and not in high school.  I wouldn't date her because I can't stand her crap music.  Anyway a month after high school junior Conor Kennedy dumped her because she was a smothering, codependent mess picking out table arrangements and wedding dates after their first date.  I think she confuses vaginal secretions with true love which is why she's hopped on Harry Styles of the boy band One Direction.  Seriously. It's okay to be single for five minutes. Don't worry. Breathe. We'll all be here when you get back.  Last week Taylor and One Direction performed at Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday.  She took a private jet to London to pick up Harry so she could fly him to New York City and she didn't invite any of the other members of his band.  So Harry had a choice: either slip into first class on a commercial plane with the other twinks in his group or he could sit on a private jet and let Taylor Swift braid his hair and sing him the song she wrote for her cat for the entire flight to London.  He must not have a brain since he went with Taylor.  Some of the members of One Direction don't like where this relationship is heading.  A source close to the group told The Sun: "Her presence has stirred tensions in the band as Harry’s now spending most of his time with her, and jetted into the gig on her private jet instead of coming in with the rest of the lads."  We all know where this is heading.  Harry will spend more and more time with Taylor and less time with One Direction and then they will want to do an album and Taylor will come to the studio and drop her two cents in for every song.  "This song doesn't make fun of my exboyfriends enough."  "There isn't enough talk of baking cookies in this song."  Then Taylor will convince Harry to record his own album and it will just be sounds of cats and Taylor baking.  Then she'll dump him once Prince William's unborn child enters middle school. 

Rihanna recently approached her record company asking if she could take off time to have a baby.  She wants to have a baby with Chris Brown.  They told her she has no free time until 2014.  Maybe they are just saying that for her best interest.  And since we all know for the best way to get a woman to do something is to tell her that she's not allowed to do it, we can all thank Rihanna's mom. So thanks, Rihanna's mom! A source close to Rihanna said this about Rihanna's mom: "She called Rihanna to yell at her, asking what she's doing with her life.  They've been blowing up over the Chris issue for weeks now. Her mom has told her not to waste any time on Chris and said, 'Is this the type of man you want as your baby's dad? He's acting just like your dad used to.'  This has made Rihanna even more determined to marry him."  Chris Brown may have recently deleted his Twitter but he didn't delete his penis from Rihanna's vagina.  So who won here?  We can all agree it won't be the baby unless Angelina Jolie adopts it.

I took this image out because it involved male nudity and I know that there are some of you out there that don't like it.  Anyway if you want to see it here.  It's Patrick Warburton of so many different things but I probably know him best from The Tick, Seinfeld, and Family Guy.  This was from a movie called The Civilization of Maxwell Bright.  Well...I guess we finally know why Elaine kept going back to him.

Future one hit wonder Psy is apologizing profusely to Americans this week.  Apparently 8 years ago he rapped about killing Americans with a bunch of other South Korean rappers and the rap group N.E.X.T.  They were performing a song called "Dear America" and Psy took the mic and rapped a line that went "fucking Yankees and their families should be killed slowly and painfully."  Remember that was 8 years ago.  For some reason it is just making the rounds,  More than likely it's because the Gangam Style song has plateaued and is no waning in popularity.  Apparently he was reacting to how South Korea sent troops to Iraq and a South Korean missionary was kidnapped and killed by an Islamic terrorist group and they blamed his death on South Korea supporting America and also the killing of two South Korean 13 year old girls by U.S. servicemen.  Here's the apology letter: "As a proud South Korean who was educated in the United States and lived there for a very significant part of my life, I understand the sacrifices American servicemen and women have made to protect freedom and democracy in my country and around the world. The song I was featured in -- from eight years ago -- was part of a deeply emotional reaction to the war in Iraq and the killing of two innocent Korean civilians that was part of the overall antiwar sentiment shared by others around the world at that time.  While I'm grateful for the freedom to express one's self I've learned there are limits to what language is appropriate and I'm deeply sorry for how these lyrics could be interpreted. I will forever be sorry for any pain I have caused anyone by those words. I have been honored to perform in front of American soldiers in recent months — including an appearance on the Jay Leno show specifically for them — and I hope they and all Americans can accept my apology. While it's important we express our opinions, I deeply regret the inflammatory and inappropriate language I used to do so. In my music I try to give people a release, a reason to smile. I have learned that though music, our universal language we can all come together as a culture of humanity and I hope that you will accept my apology."  Now that he's apologizing can we get him to apologize for that stupid dance and all the drunken renditions we'll have to endure over the holidays?  Maybe this is part of his masterplan.  Making me watch someone dance that does kill me slowly.  I notice that even though he may hate our country he still loves our education services and money.

Miley Cyrus' hair keeps getting shorter.  Please, Miley, stop with the hair cuts.  There can be only one Susan Powter and you ain't her.  But your shirt...you can keep that.

At a celebrity poker tournament last weekend, Mel Gibson told the TV show Extra that he plans on reaching out to Lindsay Lohan to help her with her problems.  He wants to be her mentor.  Hmmm I seem to remember another person a while back that Mel tried to help.  Oh yeah, he tried to be Whitney Houston's mentor.  That worked out.  This actually may work and be about more than rehabilitation.  Think about it.  Lindsay gives blowjobs as a survival tactic and Mel demands to be blown or he'll commit arson.  Lindsay Lohan blames everyone else for her problem and Mel blames the Jews.  Lindsay has been called a fire crotch and Mel needs the fire in his crotch to be put out so he doesn't light his baby's mother's house on fire.  Well it might be a match made in heaven since Lindsay once blew a guy so good he went insane(remember the rich guy she robbed and he dropped charges after they had a private conversation).  Maybe she can blow a guy so good that he'll become sane.  Maybe Mel won't sit outside synagogues with bazookas telling everyone the Holocaust was fake.  Sorry about all the blowjob talk.  I'm alone and I hate it especially as we get closer to Christmas.  Anyway enough of my fake problems, the first thing Mel should help Lindsay with is paying for her storage unit.

Lindsay Lohan is off traveling with some band called The Wanted probably not because they make good music but because she needs a place to stay.  Her accounts have been seized by the IRS, and she reportedly hasn't paid rent in a while. She also apparently owes $16K to a storage company. A storage company that's about to auction off all her shit.  TMZ says that she owes that money and the storage unit contains expensive designer clothes, family heirlooms and potentially embarrassing items.  The unit can't be opened until Lindsay pays the bill in full and that won't happen because the IRS has seized her bank accounts because she hasn't paid taxes.  It looks like her unit will be auctioned off later this month.  Oh lord please let this happen because I think we all need to see what's in this unit. Make it a special episode of Storage Wars and put it on pay-per-view. Just let me see the coat made out of heroin and the posters of Samantha Ronson with the eyes cut out.  "Is that Darrell bidding?  YUUPPPP!"

I keep seeing photos of Matthew McConaughey from the set of his movie The Dallas Buyers Club and I keep thinking, "Golly gee whiz, that Matthew McConaughey sure is trying to win an Oscar."  He is playing homophobe turned AIDS activist Ron Woodruff.  If he does win the Oscar I wonder who will carry it for him.

Porn star and former gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey was spotted at the Donny and Marie Osmond Christmas Show this week.  Nothing says "Christmas" like a porn star with boobs-a-plenty-a-poppin' out of her dress.

Nick Cannon was on the Howard Stern Show this week and talked about his sex life with Mary Carey lookalike Mariah Carey.  Oh wait, that's the other way around.  Mariah once sued Mary because she claimed Mary was stealing her likeness.  Nick claimed that they never had sex before they were married and the furthest they got was second base.  Some people claim that's feeling up breasts.  I have no clue since I'm alone.  I just know what fifth base is.  Howard asked how could Nick marry her without knowing if she gives good blowjobs.  Nick said, "She's Mariah Carey! I just knew she's good!"  Now, Mary Carey...well yeah.  Maybe he equated that since she was an award winning yodeler then that must mean she's good at the real French kissing.  I am now imagining her hitting those high notes.  I don't know if I'll be able to finish this post.  Give me 30 seconds.  OK.  There.  Nick also told Howard that they play Mariah's songs while they have sex.  They should throw in some Flaming Lips and Nine Inch Nails.  What he didn't tell Howard was that he has to wear a Mariah Carey mask while they bump genitals.  He also admitted that when Mariah is away he masturbates to her songs and his favorite is "Hero".  It used to be whenever I heard that song I got a picture of Darrell Bevell leading the Badgers to a Rose Bowl victory over UCLA in 1993.  Now...GET OUT OF MY HEAD!  Why would a married person admit that on a radio show?  Oh I suppose if I was in a relationship I'd talk about my sex life quite openly here on Xanga and I guess you'll never have to worry about that.

Mario Lopez's wife, Courtney Mazza, took this photo and sent it over Twitter.  He's decorating the family tree while wearing his underwear.  Surely this photo is not staged.  Their daughter will be in need of therapy years from now when she can't figure out why she hates Christmas so much.

Kristen Stewart wore this outfit for a screening of On the Road.  I don't know which is more awkward, the outfit or her. 

I know I promised to cut down my writing about She Who Must Not Be Named but I couldn't pass this up.  Kim Kardashian went to Iraq and Bahrain because she is up to date on the current state of the Middle East to open a couple Millions of Milkshakes stores and by "open" I mean "walk around in a tight dress while drinking milkshakes".  I guess you haven't heard but this religion called Islam is pretty big in the Middle East and you can imagine the adherents delight when they found out Kim was going to visit them.   Hardline Islamic protesters rioted over Kim Kardashian being in their country of Bahrain on Saturday. Riot police fired tear gas into the crowd, putting down protesters holding signs that said "Kim Not Welcome," some in Arabic and others in English.  "Her values clash with our traditions as a religiously committed people," Mohammad Al Tabtabai, a Kuwaiti preacher, told the Gulf News. "Her visit could help spread vice among our youth."  Sorry about your luck, Islamic protestors. Because here in America we stand for freedom. And if you can't understand and accept how a rich girl who wasn't famous enough so she made a sex tape then leaked it herself so she could have 20 shows on E! for her and her family and a clothing line that's made by Chinese kids in a sweatshop so she can sell it to mindless lemmings in K-Mart, then you really don't understand how freedom works, do you? Oh, no. I think not.

Gosh...Ke$ha...ugh...anyway, on a recent episode of Teen Mom, teen mom Jennelle Evans became a role model to dumb kids everywhere when she told her lawyer that she couldn't start serving her jail sentence because she didn't want to miss the most important event of her life, a Ke$ha concert.  Well, Jenelle's personal messiah Ke$ha has responded to one of her devoted followers risking being put on probation for another year to watch a trash heap refugee pussy pop for 2 hours.  Huffington Post asked Ke$ha if she had seen the episode of Teen Mom.  She responded: "She is the reason I do what I do. Go grrrl don't let the man hold you down! We R Who We R!!!!"  I hope that interview was conducted via text because I'll kill myself if that's what they consider to be spoken word.  Now Jenelle knows how one of Je$us' disciples felt when he spoke to them personally.  Ke$ha is right, Jennelle is this generations Martin Luther King Jr.  I can't wait for the day she delivers a speech with the line, "I had a dream or maybe it was a shroom hallucination."  Jennelle's new husband is so lucky to be married to such an activist.  Marrying her is the best decision he's ever made next to getting her name tattooed above his nipple.

This is some Coen Brothers type shit right here.  Convicted murderer Dana Martin, who is serving two life sentences for the rape and murder of a teenage girl, tried to terrorize the world after he hooked up with two criminals who were ready to keep his murder spree ongoing.  Dana met Mark Staake in prison in New Mexico and they planned their murders.  Mark was released and he got together with his nephew Tanner Ruane.  They were going to go to Vermont to murder two of Martin's acquaintances.  They were going to strangle them with paisley ties because that is Martin's signature.  Then for good measure they were planning on going to New York City to a Justin Bieber concert.  They would sneak backstage, strangle Bieber and his bodyguard with paisley ties of course because Martin is a fashionista and then castrate Bieber.  Hey!  You can't castrate a castrato.  Martin was set to pay Staake and Ruane $2500 for each set of balls they cut off.  If that doesn't sound weird enough, it gets weirder.  Martin is obsessed with Bieber.  He has a tattoo of Bieber on his leg and I bet that makes him a very popular inmate.  And the funny thing is, when he went into jail he didn't have that tattoo so he got a Justin Bieber prison tattoo.  It must be lovely.  Well I bet he was staring into the tattoo's eyes and the tattoo told him to turn himself in.  He told police his murder plot and the police caught Ruane and Staake.  Ruane was found in New York after a phone conversation with Martin where Ruane told him that he was upset that he hasn't been able to kill anyone.  Justin Bieber's publicist says the star is fine and they take extreme precautions to make sure that Meal Ticket Justin Bieber is safe.  The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties.  Also I think Dana Martin should consider himself lucky since he's in prison and doesn't have to face any of Bieber's fans.

Weight Watchers is quite upset with Jessica Simpson.  She gained a lot of weight when she got pregnant and was paid $3million by Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight but now she went and got herself pregnant so she won't be losing weight any time soon.  They were already mad at her because she hadn't lost enough weight for the first ad and they had to shoot her from the waist up.  They can't air the ads now because who wants to watch commercials about a pregnant woman dieting?  But if Weight Watchers plays their cards right they can make lemonade with deep fried lemons by making commercials with the tagline: "If you can't do it then you're a dumbass like Jessica Simpson."

Holy crap, Jennifer Lawrence...damn.  She was voted the Most Desirable Woman of 2013 by AskMen.  Mila Kunis, Kate Upton, Rihanna, and Emma Stone rounded out the top 5.  Last year Kim Kardashian was #8.  This year she was #98.  HAHAHAHAHA!  Better release a new sextape.  A lot of women seem to think that these lists perpetuate the belief that a woman's worth is based solely on how she looks in a bikini and how many guys want to fuck her, when in reality it's solely based on her cup size-to- waist ratio and how often she sits in complete silence making you another drink.  I only mention this because women's groups are saying this list apparently shows that a "normal" woman can reach the top.  I'm pretty sure that if Jennifer worked with these women they'd treat her like crap and accuse her of trying to steal their boyfriends because she's so hot.  I really don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm alone.

True love is on the ledge and ready to jump onto a pile of rocks.  I'm just sad that the love of Ice T and Coco isn't as solid as rocks or silicone implants.  Ice T took to Twitter to pour out his feelings about his wife after he saw photos of her cavorting with a rapper from Oakland named AP.9.  They were posing like two high schoolers at the prom.  Here's the site that posted the photos.  Here are Ice T's tweets: "Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude."  "Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t."  "I say this on Twitter because there's no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple.  That's it.  Any more questions ask @Cocosworld" "Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t."  "Daily Game: Trust no one.."  Coco did respond via Twitter of course: "Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I'm happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics.Its harmless. #RELAX"  "Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened"  "I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he's upset theres no excuse for my actions.I'm so sorry baby & to evryonea"  You're probably thinking, "Why is this asshole writing about these two and why are they airing their dirty laundry in public?"  BECAUSE!  They are America's first couple and we demand explanations.  Also they have a reality show to sell.  Even if this is just a shameless stunt to promote said reality show, I'm still frowning.  Strangely enough, when I pout and frown, my quivering lips kind of look like CoCo's camel toe when it's about to stampede.

This past Halloween I thought it was the end of days because Heidi Klum didn't throw her usual costume parties.  Turns out she had feelings of guilt over cheating on her ex-husband Seal.  Well she decided to throw a costume Christmas party.  This was Heidi dressed as Cleopatra sitting on Santa's lap.  I really don't know what's going on here but would like to know how they airlifted a vat of LSD to that party.

Hayden Panettiere did a sexy photo shoot for Esquire magazine.  She told some jokes and wore a bikini.  I'm thinking some of you may remember her from the TV show Heroes or when she danced around Dorothy after Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the East.  She also recently broke up with her boyfriend, former NFL player Scotty McKnight.  I know if you're like me then your world is spinning off it's axis.  I don't know why they broke up but keep in mind he was a quarterback cut by the New York Jets.  The Jets.  The Jets whose first string quarterback can't seem to play the position and their back-up quarterback seems like he's only staying in the NFL until he makes enough money to build his own megachurch.  I guess you have to be pretty bad to be cut from the Jets.

Tom Brady and his wife Giselle Bundchen welcomed a daughter into the world this week.  I wonder if the baby sashayed down the birth canal like it was a catwalk.  They named the girl Vivian Lake.  Lake?  Giselle had one of those fancy water births so Vivian was born in a lake.  I wonder if the water they used was Evian because Vivian sort of sounds like Evian.  I guess Vivian Lake is better than Vivian Kiddie Pool.  I bet Giselle will have lost the baby weight by tomorrow.

Frankie Muniz is 26 years old.  He's probably best known for his role as Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle.  He retired from showbiz at age 20.  Well this week he was rushed to the hospital after his friends noticed that he wasn't acting right.  He wasn't speaking properly and couldn't process anything the people were saying to him.  Doctors determined that he had a mini-stroke.  I wonder if it was "mini" because he's so small.  Either way, that's pretty odd.  You don't hear of many 26 year olds having strokes but then you also don't hear of many 20 year olds retiring at age 20 with $40million in the bank.

Courtney Stodden and her husband Doug Whateverthehell had to go out and run some errands.  You know, the typical, pick up the mail, go to the pharmacy.  Well this is the outfit she wore.  Hmmm maybe the next news we'll hear of Doug is that he's a shoe salesman because I think Courtney is trying to be the blonde Peggy Bundy.

Brad Pitt almost lost his life to the hands of Mike Tyson.  He should be thankful for every breath he takes, sunset he sees, and fan he bangs because Mike Tyson would've ripped him to shreds back in the late 80s.  Mike was telling the story on Yahoo Sports this week.  It was when he was going through a divorce with Robin Givens.  Mike said that even though they were going through the divorce they still had sex.  One day he hoping to go to her place to have a quickie before he went to the lawyer to file the divorce papers.  Brad apparently got there before Mike and Mike caught the two in an embrace.  Mike said this: "I guess Brad got there earlier than I did... I was getting a divorce, I was going to my lawyer's office... but I wanted to sneak in a quickie... Before I would go to my lawyer's office to say she's a pig... I would go to her house and have sex with her. This particular day someone beat me to the punch.  I hope Brad don't think I'm mad at him... I was mad as hell (at the time). You should have saw his face when he saw me!"  I can't believe that two decades later we're finding out that Brad Pitt was giving Robin Givens the hard salami. What's even more surprising is that the Mike Tyson of those days decided against pulling out Brad's spleen and shoving it up his rectum. See how you children are lucky to be living today? Back then, if you wanted to know about celebrity gossip you had to go to a magical place called a newspaper stand and buy what our forefathers called a "magazine." Magazines were like giant Applebee's menus, except with more pages and less content. Yeah, in the good ol' days, Mike Tyson sold a lot of magazines -- you could say he was the lithographic Lindsay Lohan of his day, only slightly less insane.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Ariel Winter having issues with her mom.  This story keeps getting more messed up.  It's like Ariel is a 14 year old Disney princess come to life because her mother is definitely a Disney villain come to life with a heart made of vulture shit.  Chrystal Workman lost custody of Ariel to her other daughter Shannelle after she was accused of emotional and physical abuse.  Ariel says her mother is a monster and Chrystal is saying that Shannelle is using Ariel to get the money Ariel makes on Modern Family.  A publicist has stepped forward and said something that may make Chrystal more evil than a Disney villain and put her on par with Satan.  Publicist Jonathan Hay said this: "Chrystal Workman, the mother of Ariel Winter, wanted me to represent her and leak nude photos in the media of her other daughter Shanelle Workman. In all my years of being a publicist, I have never seen anyone stoop as low as wanting to sell out and destroy the reputation of her own daughter. Chrystal said she wanted the public to see Shanelle for who she really was and smear her daughter in attempts to try and get custody back of Ariel.Chrystal has called me nonstop in the last 48 hours, trying to get me to leak these pictures."  The photos are supposed from 8 or 9 years ago which would have been when Shannelle was 25 or 26.  She's an evil mastermind because everyone knows that if you bare your breasts on camera when you're 25 you won't be able to take care of a 14 year old girl when you're 34.  I can hear the judge now, "I have seen your 25 year old titties and give full custody to Chrystal Workman."  I think Kris Jenner and Dina Lohan need to take lessons from Chrystal Workman.

Anne Hathaway was seen getting out of a vehicle at the premier of Les Miserables.  There are two things I've learned from this photo.  1.  It's difficult exiting a vehicle while wearing a dress.  2.  Anne Hathaway hates underwear.

If you remember a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men appeared in a video for a Christian group and he lambasted Two and a Half Men and called it filth and urged people not to watch it and claimed he didn't want to be on the show.  I'm shocked he hasn't mentioned giving back the money he made from CBS.  Les Moonves, the CBS CEO who also handled the Charlie Sheen fiasco, admits that he doesn't know Jones' status with the company.  He had this to say: "I don’t know what our status is with him.  We took this boy who started with us when he was eight years old, and it seemed to be what happens with child stars over the course of time.  He’s now making $300,000 per week which is not a bad salary for a 19-year-old kid, and he went on a religious channel and urged people not to watch the show because it was filth. By the way, he’s still collecting his $300,000 a week."  Yea, he makes a good point.  Even though Jones claims the show is filth, he's still collecting his paycheck.  Why wouldn't he give it back?  Maybe he doesn't follow his own advice because Jesus will forgive him.  I don't know, if I went to a restaurant and said it was disgusting filth and told people not to eat there, chances are I wouldn't go back the next week. You know, unless they were paying me to eat there and no other restaurant would let me in because I've been typecast in the other restaurants commercials.

Amanda Bynes is really good at Instagram.  She sent this photo out to her followers along with the caption: "On that no candy diet".  I'm assuming that not eating candy makes you want to take photos of your boobs.  Amanda does seem like the totally sane and rational person who would know the specific side effects of not eating candy.  I guess we should listen to her since she obviously knows what she's talking about.  I bet she read it in a medical journal.

Holy crap...something positive about Charlie Sheen!  Charlie was talking with a Hermosa Beach police officer recently.  Don't worry, he wasn't being arrested.  The cop mentioned how his 10 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with a form of cancer called Childhood Rhabdomyosarcoma.  It's a form of cancer that occurs in the muscle tissue and requires over a year of expensive medical treatments like chemo and radiation therapy.  Charlie told the cop that no parent should have to see a child go through that.  Then the next day Charlie sent a check for $75,000 to the Hermosa Beach Police Department who had started a fundraiser for the girl.  Say whatever bad stuff about Charlie you will and I know that would take all day so don't, this is a heartwarming story.  I'll just congratulate him on handing out money to females who may die soon.  Also remember when Charlie was trying to help Lindsay Lohan?  Well he gave her $100,000 to pay off her IRS tax fine of $234,000.  Charlie told Entertainment Tonight that he did send her money but she didn't send him a thank you and he's waiting for something as simple as a text saying "thank you".  That probably won't happen since if Lindsay can't pay on a storage unit she probably can't pay her cellphone bill.  Lindsay Lohan is smart for not saying thank you. Because saying thank you is confirming to him that she got the money and gave it to a pharmacy in Mexico in exchange for two truck fulls of Oxycontin.  I'm pretty sure I should pay all of you $100,000 for making you look at that photo of Charlie Sheen.

Demi Moore was spotted partying in Miami last weekend.  She recently broke up with her 20 year old boyfriend and it looks like she was on the prowl with those damn stupid glasses.  Ugh...I hate that people wear glasses without any lenses.  Anyway the look on Lenny Kravitz's face says it all.

I hope everyone has a great weekend like Demi up there but please don't wear those glasses.  Fuck, I hate Christmas.

Hey hey, these are back!  Maybe tomorrow you'll also get a celebrity round up but only if I can't sleep tonight because of the pain.  Anyway, here's your links and tattoos.

1.  Sometimes you can really tell when a movie studio puts out a sequel to a popular movie just to cash in on the success of the original movie.  Well here are 6 sequels that would've ruined the classics if they had been released.  I actually remember reading about the sequel to Forrest Gump and I wanted that to be made so bad.

2.  I think one of the reason why I don't like coffee is because I have this fear of grabbing it and it being too hot cause me to spill it on myself and being burned.  Well with this product, Heatswell, will prevent that.

3.  Here's a fun comparison of items you see and how animals see them.

4.  Have you ever watched a TV show and wondered how a different actor would look in a certain role?  I do that quite a bit actually especially when I hear about how actors turn do roles.  Well here are 18 famous TV roles that were originally played by someone different.

5.  And while we're on the topic of TV, here's 25 of the most powerful TV shows of the past 25 years.

6.  And while we're on the topic of 25 powerful things, here's 25 of the most powerful songs of the last 25 years.

7.  You know how I have been sharing my love of wikipedia lists, well here's a list of common misspellings.  It might behoove people to study that.  I know I need to brush up on my spelling.

8.  This list is NSFW.  It's the 50 worst things on the internet in 2012.  I didn't make the list...whew.

9.  And while we're getting retrospective about 2012, here are the top 25 beers of 2012.  I think I've only had one of those.  I've really cut back on drinking but then according to Mojo Nixon, Beer Ain't Drinking.

10.  a couple of weeks ago I shared Greg Rutter's list of 99 things you should've experienced on the internet by now.  Here is the second definitive list of 99 things you should've experienced on the internet unless you're old or a loser.

11.  Here's a button that makes everything OK.

12.  In case you were wondering, the Dole/Kemp 96 campaign website is still up and running.  LOOK AT THOSE CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS!

Bonus: Is it Christmas?

Tattoo time:

OK I saw this today.  Earlier this week there was this monkey wearing a coat found at an IKEA in Toronto.  It became this huge internet meme.  Well this bright girl decided she had to get the IKEA monkey tattooed on her body.  That will be awesome in a year.

Awesome is this tattoo.

I guess meme tattoos aren't that bad.

Have you ever been so in love with someone that you got their portrait tattoo on your body and then you broke up?  Well this is the only logical way to cover up the tattoo of your ex.







Admire all these Breaking Bad tattoos.  I was sort of shocked I found this many.

OK, thanks for the advice.

I think I'd rather visit Giraffic Park than Jurassic Park.  The giraffes wouldn't eat me but they would try to steal all my leaves.

Tattoo Bea Arthur ain't having none of your shit.

I wish I had a Carl Carlson or Lenny Leonard in my life.  But then I wish they were female.

Have a wonderful time.

Well I'm back with this week's installment of Power Rankings.  You have to picture me sitting behind a desk with a piece of paper in my hands staring at a camera while reading these because I sort of envision myself as one of those douchey ESPN anchors.  I don't know what else to say here. 

#25.  Tumblr -9000
The site was down for most of the day.  It helped alleviate procrastination but it made hipsters shed tears because they couldn't share photos of their latest meal.  I also couldn't look at free porn.

#24.  The Economy -7000pts
The economy is shit although I see people buying needless crap at Walmart lately so either the economy is improving or a Christian holiday is approaching.

#23.  80s Music 375pts
As a child of the 80s, I have to say I enjoyed some music from that time period although the hairstyles and fashion were horrendous...the music, AWESOME!

#22.  Frank Sinatra 382pts
This guy is the epitome of cool.  I so want to emulate his turning 4 years of actual work into a 40+ year career.

#21.  Family Guy 385pts
I didn't know whether to go with Conway Twitty or Family Guy for the #21 spot so I went with Fmaily Guy because I'm in midst of watching every single episode on my DVD sets.  If you were expecting something new this week then na-na-na-na-nuh jokes on you!

#20.  Mash Ups 392pts
One song is good, two songs is better, what about both those songs plus others possibly mixed together?  Fan-fucking-tastic!  I used to sit around and play multiple cd players just so I could find a possible combo to mash up.  I never made the masterpiece that got me famous.  I wish I had thought of these.  I should really bring back my Monday Mash-Up Madness post.

#19.  The Amish 400pts
I can say whatever I want here because they can't read this.  HAHAHA!!!! I have fully harnessed the power of TECHNOLOGY and no am planning on using against the Amish!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  Sorry, I went into my mad scientist phase.  Actually I am hoping they start posting the ads around town looking for "neues Blut".  I'm actually amazed at the amount of Amish reality shows.  You have two or three on the National Geographic Channel and then there was Breaking Amish and now there's Amish Mafia.  Holy shit.

#18.  Jackass  412pts
Still makes me laugh after all these years.  I wonder if they are ever going to give it up.  They probably don't have many years left with all the abuse to their bodies some of which is courtesy of the Miller Brewing Company.  MMMM Miller High Life...Champagne of Beers....bottle rockets attached to a tallywhacker..you won't see that on Masterpiece Theater. 

#17.  Iron Chef Japan 415pts
The mother or father whichever way you look at it is the best cooking game show ever.  I used to hate The Cooking Network refusing to show any episodes from the second, third, or fourth season.  I think I know the outcome of every single episode they currently air.  They now took it off the air and only air the bastardized American version.

#16.  College basketball 419pts
I found myself actually paying attention to the scores this early in the season.  It's amazing!

#15.  Marijuana 420pts
I think this should be made legal throughout the country and tax it and maybe that way people won't be so upset with the state of affairs in this country and also it might remove the sticks from some people's asses.  We could also generate some income and potentially eliminate some of the cartel violence.  Gateway drug?  My ass!  Oh and my appetite has returned.

#14.  Davy Crockett 444pts
Hey, all due respects, this guy shot himself a bar when he was only 3.

#13.  Guy Fieri 453pts
This guy is annoying as all hell.  I'd rather tear my finger nails off with a flathead screwdriver than watch one of his shows.  So his name is Guy Fee-air-ee but the Food Network pronounces it Guy Fee-et-ee.  Yes, those Italian names are quite confusing. 

#12.  The Wheel of Fortune 464pts
G_   _uck  _ourself  _ _ (the answer is at the bottom)

#11.  Howie Mandel 471pts
Remember when this guy was a popular comedian and he even had his own cartoon?  Then he became a germaphobe and gameshow host who briefly hosted a talent contest despite having no discernible talent.  Now he is back to gameshow hosting duties and the show is nothing more than Yankee Swap.

#10.  Arthritis 478pts
This bitter scourge rears its ugly head and harms millions of Americans.  It makes me forgo some of my favorite activities like tightening screws around the house, using tweezers, cursive writing, kick boxing, football, and dialing the phone.

#9.  Martin Luther 95pts
Those 95 points are some of the most powerful points in the world.  People need to learn church history and understand the balls this guy had going against Rome.  I went to a high school and a college named after him.  When I would say Luther High or the college that bears his name people would ask me what it was like to be the only white guy at my school.  I would play along and say it was hard and it was very difficult to be a minority. 

#8.  Guitar Hero 483pts
This game proves to countless youth around the globe that by clicking and pressing buttons that they can play guitar.  Serious conversation from this last Sunday after church:
Kid: Hey, Matt, I don't need guitar or drum lessons anymore.
Me: Oh yeah?  Why not?
Kid: I have Guitar Hero and I can play on expert level.
Me: Yeah, you're set.

#7.  Deutschland 500pts
Meine Familie kommt aus Deutschland. Ich bin nicht völlig deutsch, aber es ist mein Vaterland. Ich genieße deutsche Kultur, Musik, Sprache und Nahrung. Ich versuche, nicht an die Geschichte zu denken. Ich koche bald Bratwurst.

#6.  Porn 69pts
I think if it wasn't for my condition and arthritis, I'd be addicted.

#5.  Culver's 553pts
I love this restaurant.  Culver's is a fast food restaurant that is slowly spreading out of the Midwest all over the country.  Their food features never frozen beef and they cook those burgers in butter and it hardens the arteries.  Culver's is best known for its ice cream...NO!  It's frozen custard.  Every Culver's location has a flavor of the day and each location will vary as to what their flavor is.  I grew up near the very first Culver's and we would go there on Sunday afternoons and wait in line an hour just for a dish of the flavor of the day frozen custard.  That is some great stuff.  You can learn more about Culver's here. 

#4.  Snow 587pts
I was doubting it would ever get here but WHAM we get a storm this past weekend and get about 4 inches.  It's slowly leaving but hopefully we'll get some more for Christmas.

#3.  Homophones 600pts
Their are words out they're that have to meanings but sound alike.  Your probably confused about my spelling but this is my reminder too you to make sure you double check you're type because its going to speak for you're intelligence.  Now, I'm going two eat a caret in my birth on a train and then I am going too by that book that I featured in number for.

#2.  12/12/12 121212pts
Whether you celebrated as just the last time you'll see all the same numbers in the date or you celebrated it as Aaron Rodgers Day, it was a great day to be alive in this country.  Today was a good day, I didn't even have to use my AK.

#1.  Xanga Friends 1,000,000pts
You guys rock!  I've been losing friends at an alarming rate.  I figure I'm too offensive for some of you but  my views are up because I've been linked on The Huffington Post, Reddit, and Pinterest.  Also a video I posted YEARS ago was used in an article about Conan O'Brien in The AV Club and I'm still getting hits from that article all these years later and that same video was also linked to numerous hockey forums, stumbledupon, and the official website of the California Angels of Aneheim.  I am finally understanding the comments people make when they say that Xanga is dead.  It used to be when I logged in at lunch hour that I had to cycle through all 7 pages to get to where I left off before I went to bed.  Now I only go back 4 pages and most of those contain comments on my posts.  Maybe I'm not writing anything interesting but I do feel that I really should develop a crack habit and sing "I Will Always Love You" because of how dead it is around here.

I don't know what this has to do with anything.  I love the Blues Brothers and if you want to get me a Christmas present get me that DVD.

Well I hope I didn't waste your time.

Puzzle answer: GO TUCK YOURSELF IN (I love Family Guy)

Masturbation is sex with the person you should love most.  Although make up sex is often awkward because of the argument you had with yourself.

Do you think Santa Claus does human trafficking?  All I really want is a girlfriend for Christmas.  I’m looking for a girl with a tight pussy and a tighter personality. See, I’m not just into sex.

I had this strange theory that a girl’s affinity for the song “Santa Baby” is directly proportional to the severity of her daddy issues and how much she loves butt stuff.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has noticed that the new president has the exact same name as the last president.

Wisconsin is the only state where NFL attire is considered to be acceptable business attire.

If this was the 1600s, I’d be married 20 years by now and have like 10 children but I’d only have a year or two left in my life…sigh…the good ol’ days.

I wonder what would happen if Taylor Swift dated Chris Brown.  That would be the most fucked up music ever recorded.

If life deems you worthy and hands you lemon squares you politely accept because lemon squares are delicious.  And if you aren’t a greedy jerk you’ll share with your friends.

I think the people who hold up lighters at rock concerts are just too lazy to bring Molotov cocktails.

A Matador *isn't* a Mexican doormat? No wonder that hombre got mad when I wiped my feet on him.

My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on it's back for three weeks now.

Try drinking a 5th of Dewar's and walking a straight line. Now THAT'S Hop-Scotch!

Being addicted to Oxycontin is what I call an "Oxymoron".

I'm certain that the song "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" is a reference to genital herpes.

I'd like to think that burning sensations are a subtle warning from God that you're a sinner.

Girl, I know we’ve had a rough patch and we need to hash everything out and there’s one question I’ve been longing to ask you, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and I like to sit in my den and laugh at my own jokes.

My dad invited me to have lunch.  He made some chicken dish.  I took a bite and chewed and informed him that it was dry and tasteless.  He replied,“Oh, so just like your humor, right?”

I love how in Grand Theft Auto the police won’t chase you if you’re standing next to dead bodies but if you slightly bump their car then they arrest you.

I think there is a war between popcorn companies and microwave companies because every microwave has a popcorn button but every popcorn bag tells you not to use that button.

I get so pissed off when vegans lecture me on eating meat or wearing leather.  They use electricity, electricity comes from oil, and oil comes from dead dinosaurs.  They’re all hypocrites.

I was listening to some music from the 90s and I got so confused.  How is rocking the mic like a vandal considered extreme?  I guess I should ask Vanilla Ice that one.  Does anyone know which Burger King he’s working at these days?

I wonder if there’s a Nobel Prize for not accidentally biting your tongue.  OUCH!  Dammitt!  I guess there's always next year.

People make fun of me for doing my Christmas shopping at garage sales during the summer.  But he who holds the season 2 DVD set of Bones with the second disc missing laughs last.

People in glass houses should never throw stones unless you’re my neighbor.  His glass house is double-paned.

I’ve been going on about this for a while I know but I really despise the whole generation of John Green and Stephen Chbosky style books that are gaining popularity right now mainly because they absolutely wreak of platitude to me.  If you write a book about somebody with a terminal disease or whatever it’s guaranteed to be published.  I can picture John Green sitting in his room drinking a Starbucks frappucino and listening to “neutral milk hotel” while he writes another weird hipster book on his electric typewriter.  I hate books that are like some douchy hipster guy searching for the meaning of life and love in a cynical world with his Yoko Ono girlfriend, bundled together with some ecards style humor and a title that has nothing to do with the story.  Never give me one of those to read or I will puke on you.

The worst part of going to your company’s Christmas party is looking for a job the next day.

I’m pretty sure I ate so much this weekend that my toilet has stretch marks.  But 55 cent Whoppers are so good.

Ladies, if you don’t know what to get your boyfriend or husband for Christmas, I’m here to help. No guy will complain if the only gift he receives is a piece of paper that says “Certificate good for ____ blowjobs.” I think the larger the number should be relative to the amount of times you cheated on him or the amount of times you had to put up with him farting in front of you.

Ladies, if you ever meet a man that seems perfect in every way, he probably has a really weird looking penis.  I’m just warning you now so you’re expectations aren’t that high when we get married.

It’s been one of those days where I need a girl wearing nothing but black fishnet stockings to meet me at my door, give me a case of beer,and then sit on my face.

Lingerie is the Christmas gift that says, “I gave you something but only thought of myself.”

A recent study by scientists found that breast implants need a lifetime of care.  Men everywhere asked where they could sign up.

Did you know girls worry that their thighs touch?  This is like a huge thing among girls and I didn’t have clue that it was an issue. Usually when I look at a girl my, my first thought is, “Wow, a girl” and not “OH MY GOD HER THIGHS ARE TOUCHING!”

A recent study found that a man’s lowest attention levels are when he is listening to a woman talk and his highest attention levels are when he’s shaving his balls.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I became the life of the party when I started attending funerals.

How come we live in a world where lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and floor polish is made with real lemons?

I wear a size 17 4E shoe. You know what they say about men with big feet?  It takes a Chinese child an extra 5 minutes to make my shoes.

The Victoria’s Secret fashion show and catalog were great until I learned last weekend that you can find free porn on the internet.

A girl came over and she wanted to play truth or dare. I am getting old because I dared her to cook me a meal.

Even in my sex dreams I disappoint women.

Did you know that the James Bond movie “Octopussy” was based on the Ian Fleming short story “Squidcunt”?

I have mixed feelings about being in a relationship.  Half of me doesn’t want to be tied down but the other half is really into bondage.

Whenever you feel like you’re a genius just remember there was a time in your life when you struggled not to poop in your pants.

I honestly don’t think gun control would’ve stopped Javon Belcher from killing his girlfriend.  If a person is desperate enough they will find a way to end lives.  If he had stabbed her would people be calling for the eradication of knives?  Would people say that stabbings are a result of obesity because everyone is eating and uses knives?

I was pretty mad at the 6^th graders for laughing at me when I came out of the faculty bathroom. Then I realized what they heard and I started to laugh as well.

I never did write what I was thankful for at Thanksgiving so here is what I’m most thankful for this year. I’m most thankful for salad bars that have chocolate pudding.

You never hear about get poor quick schemes.  I bet they involve Ferris wheels, alcohol,cheese, and squirrels.

I need a girlfriend that wants to be constantly reminded how beautiful and amazing she is otherwise I'll just become really annoying to you.

If someone ever texts me “K”, I text back “potassium” and then I go open a chemistry book to a photo of the periodic table and masturbate furiously.

Ohio State just announced that they will name a street after their 12-0 team:"12-0 Row".  I expect it will intersect “No Bowl Game Boulevard”.

Whenever I have a shitty day, I watch 70's sitcoms because misery loves Three's Company.

They say that Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” synchs up with “The Wizard of OZ” while Ke$ha’s new album synchs up with every sorority girl that vomits while giving a stranger head.

I was hanging out with my girlfriend and listening to Pink Floyd the other day.  She says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to have sex while Floyd was playing in the background.”  I replied, “I love you.”  She said, “Quiet, I really like this solo.”  I said, “I really love you.”  She said, “Can’t you ever shut up?  That’s it we’re over.”  I then said, “Baby, please don’t, I think gullible girls are the sexiest.”  She said,“Oh my god, really?  I love you.”  I have an active imagination because most girls treat me like God; they only talk to me when they want something.

I have profiles on three major religious dating websites.  I’ve gotten a few hits on my JDate profile.  My ChristianMingle profile is getting a few nibbles.  But my AlQaedaDate is bombing.

If I was homeless, I’d walk around saying “Mi casa es tu casa” to everyone I meet on the street along with a maniacal laugh as I die a little inside.

Great job on Xanga, everyone!  We’re totally NOT wasting our lives.

Someone once asked me how to tell if a girl on Xanga had a crush on you.  The perfect way to tell isif she emails you and asks if it’s always that veiny.

People have said the majority of my posts are not safe for work.  Where the hell do you work?  The Vatican?

When I lose friends on Xanga, I just assume that I didn’t adequately entertain complete strangers for free and this makes me want to go out and punch some endangered species.

I don’t like referring to people online as followers because that implies you’re all a bunch of lemmings. What should I call you? Crew?  Borgata?  Friends? Comedy aficionados?

I never blame my problems on other people except when my posts don’t get recommends.

Xanga is so dead lately. I feel that I should develop a crack habit and sing “I Will Always Love You” whenever I log in.

After the apocalypse there’ll be a Xanga meet-up in Hell.  RSVP if you’re not attending.  You definitely have to attend if you laughed at that last joke or even understood it.

I was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy but I don’t think my doctors really

Class, I read your last assignment and was pleased.  Part of my sneaky reasoning behind question A was so that I could have Xangans birthdays so I can wish you all a happy birthday.  I'm weird like that since I don't really celebrate my birthday.  I just want others to be happy on theirs.  Anyway that's weird so everyone gets an A+.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  

B.
  

C.
  
Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Princess Glitz

B.  I think school should be year round.  You would be shocked how much knowledge kids lose over a summer break.  It always seemed like the first quarter and half of the second were all review in most subjects.  I had students that came back after summer and couldn't write or read cursive writing.  I had one student that forgot how to tell time using an analog clock.  I had another student forget how to form paragraphs.  It was awful.  One of the school districts in my area is implementing year round school.  The kids will get a three week vacation in the summer and I forget how the other vacations line up but I think they have two other three week vacations in there somewhere.  The problem with implementing this is they are only going to use it for K-4.  To me that's stupid because what happens when a kid in 3rd grade has a sibling in 6th and that sibling has a full summer break while the kid in 3rd grade has class?

C.  I'd rather go with the rusty nail because I've done it before and it wasn't that painful.  I imagine the worst part of being grazed is seeing the blood which would probably cause me to faint.

I'm surprised I'm posting this since I'm not sleeping.  Usually I don't sleep.  I get by on maybe 3 or 4 hours a night.  Well yesterday I crashed.  I get home from a doctor appointment and shopping at about 3:30 in the afternoon and by 4 I'm out.  I sleep until 7.  Then at 9:30 I fall asleep again and sleep until 12:30.  Then I go back to sleep at 1 and sleep until 8.  I fall back asleep at about 8:30 and sleep until 10:30.  Then in the afternoon I drift off for about an hour.  Then this evening I feel asleep for an hour.  I'm getting sleepy as I write about sleep.  Anyway it's #caturday  I can't sleep through that otherwise my cats will kill me.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I'll try to reply to comments tomorrow.