Sometimes I feel like I’m Dane Cook in that I’m not funny.

I was reading a story about a blind guy who commutes every day to work 40 miles away and I can’t even find a pair of matching socks.

If police can drive unmarked cars then we should be able to drive cop cars.  It’s only fair.  Get on that, Obama!

I told my mom that I planned on going out to drink one night this past weekend.  She told me to be safe.  I told her I planned on wearing a helmet, seat belt, and condom while drinking.

I have the strongest desire to sneak into Shaquille O’Neal’s house and replace his iPad with an iPad mini so that he thinks he’s getting even bigger.

I think the worst way to be dumped is when the person you’re seeing changes their facebook status unexpectedly.

We’re on a planet traveling 66,000 mph around the sun that’s traveling 500,000 mph in a galaxy traveling 1,300,000 mph in the universe.  Don’t you dare tell me to get off my couch because I haven’t moved all day.  With all that travel I’m exhausted.

I was at a restaurant and witnessed a white person get offended that someone ordered an omelet that was whites only.  They said, “This is the 21^stcentury.  I didn’t vote for Barack Obama for this nonsense and Rosa Parks didn’t sit on a bus for this either.”

Pick-up line destined not to work: “Girl, you remind me of a pinky toe because sooner or later I’m going to bang you on a table.

I’m 97% certain the only things scientists study are curesfor baldness or prolonging and lengthening erections.  Or at least late night TV infomercials have led me to believe this.

If there’s some sort of apocalypse that happens in December it’s going to be bad for the survivors because there are no longer any Twinkies, the one food that will never go bad. Everyone will starve.

The movie “Lincoln”is killing in theaters so I guess that means it’s Opposite Day or the Mayans were right.  The best part of “Lincoln” was when they discussed all the drama surrounding his speech given at San Dimas High School.

I loved how many of my so called “real Christian” friends on Facebook were more concerned with saving Twinkies with prayers than praying about all the bombs raining down on Israel.

Just wait for the time when they name a hurricane Voldemort.  Then you know everyone is screwed.

I’m a job creator.  I create lots of handjobs but that’s because I’m self-sufficient.

My doctor said drinking was bad for my liver and I told my doctor that nagging about my drinking was bad for his paycheck.

Why do motels still advertise that they have color TVs?  I think at this point they’d get more customers if they’d advertise they have black and white sets.

I often brag about how I’ve been smoke free for over 5 years now.  I’ll give you the truth.  I vowed that I’d only smoke after having sex.

My mom treats me like God. She doesn’t believe in me.

A few months ago my mom bought a cellphone.  Today she learned how to turn it on.

I like to drop my pants and sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”at karaoke.

Guys, if you ever are too drunk and want to talk to a girl, just quote Bryan Adams songs.

If you have never looked at every woman you meet on the street and wonder what she looks like jumping rope and how much she bounces then you have a better psychiatrist than me.

A study revealed that when a female laughs, a chemical is released in the female brain that is the equivalent of having an orgasm.  I guess this explains why I have so many female friends and why none of them will sleep with me.

I don’t get why girls are so picky about men.  It’s not like the homeless people complain that the sandwiches I throw at them have too much mayonnaise.

Does anyone else like to poop while they are on the clock?  You’re getting paid to poop!  It’s like you’re a German porn star.

I’m looking to expand my money and buy another house but I’m lazy.  I went on to the Home Shopping Network and didn’t like any of their houses.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

A study revealed that men can become aroused at the scent of pumpkin pie.  How bad are we as a society that foreplay has been replaced with baking? No, our society can be judged by the antics on Black Friday.  Oh what, Christmas is a religious holiday?  You could’ve fooled me.

I think Thanksgiving is the only day of the year when the Karadashian girls ask for white meat.

Never wear a red shirt to Target or a blue shirt to Walmart during the holiday season.  You’ll get trampled by an unruly mob wanting cheap waffle makers.  Black Friday is America’s running of the bulls.  Remember the proper way to celebrate the day after Thanksgiving is to sleep in and not fight over discounted toasters.

The best part about spending time with your family at the holidays is when they leave. Thanksgiving is the one day a year when families get together and realize why they only get together once a year.

The best deals on Black Friday were at the Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar.  Most Americans should be shopping at that store instead of digging themselves further into debt.

Screw Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I want to see a Walmart parade.

When it’s my time to die, I hope I don’t die in a Walmart stampede or hung with my belt in a Thai hotel room closet because I was beating off and needed that extra rush.  Either way is pretty embarrassing.

I did stand outside a Walmart on Black Friday with a sign that said, “The Line Starts Here” with an arrow that pointed to my penis.

I think I prefer my Thanksgiving yams with brown sugar and melted marshmallows and no yam.

The best part of having a girlfriend is knowing that she loves me when she says I’m a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t do the dishes.  I think she may be the one.

I bought some turtles at the pet store the other day.  Does anyone know how long I should microwave them before they start doing karate?

When they do a canned food drive, I bet the recipients are always frustrated they get all those cans of food but no can openers.

It has been unseasonably warm here this week.  I’m almost tempted to get a turkey, apply sunscreen, and set it in a lawn chair all day so it will cook.

I liked and then unliked Taylor Swift on Facebook.  I expect to have at least three songs about me on her next album.

I got a Ouija board and the spirit spelled out “OMG GET A LIFE LOSER AND LEAVE ME ALONE”  Does this happen to anyone else?

I don’t know why people are buying Twinkies on eBay for$60.  Little Debbie makes practically the same thing and they’re only 50 cents. But if any ladies are interested I’ll show you my Twinkie and Ding Dongs for free.

Did you know the “PT” in “PT Cruiser” stands for “Pussy Tamer” and that it’s named after my dad?

You know what would restore the economy and make America a superpower once again?  ORAL SEX VENDING MACHINES!  Another way to make the economy better is to invent a hair blow dryer that whispers sweet nothings in your ear as you dry your hair.

So they’re adding Maryland and Rutgers to the Big Ten which would actually make it the Big Fourteen.  Why don’t they add some challenging teams like the Packers or Russia?  They’re adding a school whose mascot is a flying sea turtle and a school that used to be called Queens College.  OK I won't say any more.

Turns out a rave isn't a get together where people talk about how awesome I am. It’s a dance where people talk about how awesome I am.

When a guy on a dating profile says he enjoys long walks in the park or on the beach he really means that he likes getting plowed by a girl wearing a strap-on.

French kissing is when you kiss a girl and she runs away.

There’s more to life than Xanga but most of us don’t know what that is.

A person once said, “When I grow up, I want to be popular on Xanga.”  It’s impossible to do both.

Google+ is the gym membership of the internet…everyone joins but no one uses it.

I usually run drug tests and background checks before I accept friend requests on Xanga.  I don’t want anyone who is normal and well-adjusted clogging up my inbox.

Every time someone recommends this post I think it’s their way of hugging me and telling me everything will be alright.

I was tempted to repost everything I had written last weekj ust to make sure you were paying attention.

Class, I read your last assignment and overall I was pleased.  Most of you are putting in great effort with these assignments and it makes me feel pretty good.  Keep up all the good work.  Your grade is an A.

Now for your next assignment:

A.
  
Which do you prefer?  Why?

B.
  

C.
 

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  I like both equally although sometimes Coke burns my throat when I drink it but when I drink the throwback Pepsi it goes down smooth.  I also think Coke works best for mixed drinks so I may have to give the edge to coke based on booze.

B.  Teal Applesauce

C.  I think I would change my name back to what my parents originally named me.  It was a European version of my current name, Matthew.  I couldn't pronounce it when I was young so they changed it to Matthew but I always said Matt.  My parents said they had something like Penelope or Debbie picked out if I were a girl.  I don't think I'd like either of those names for myself.

Greetings, cult members, your benevolent leader has returned with the latest and probably not the greatest in celebrity gossip.  I was going to be here for you last night however a late night Christmas shopping trip quashed those plans.  I did happen to watch the most amazing thing ever.  I watched an Amish father and his son put on 3D glasses and watch the new Spiderman movie inside Walmart last night.  I think I need to go tell the bishop they were up to no good.  You know, have a cult leader to cult leader talk.  I also had a pretty amazing phone call last night.  Now it's time to laugh at my jokes.  Leave me eprops.

This week Shia LaBeouf was in London, possibly drinking away the pain of being fired from the Transformers movies.  He was drinking at a pub when another patron went up to Shia and removed Shia's hat and began to play keep away.  Shia wasn't having any of it so he started throwing punches. I think the reason Shia was so protective of his hat is because they are so rare and you can't get them anywhere.  He's like 152lbs.  A basket of kittens is more intimidating than him.  I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago but to refresh, Shia was replaced with Mark Wahlberg for the next Transformers movie.  I have a feeling that Shia got confused and thought he was Tom Cruise because people are saying Shia demanded to be paid at least $18million to appear in Transformers 4.  Steven Spielberg, who is producing this mess, saw how well Spiderman did without Tobey MacGuire so he figured he could get another actor to take up the role and he doesn't have to cut back on the CGI budget because we all know CGI is the star of those movies.  Shia is a dumbass.  Why would he bad mouth this toy movie when Megan Fox bad-mouthed the toy movie and was replaced by another actress?  He did the same thing.  Megan got herself fired for not appreciating the job that put her on the map, and now so did Shia.  What's funny is that he's replaced by Marky Mark.  Sure Shia can act his way out of a paper bag but he can't have the disconnection from an audience like Marky Mark.  Don't believe me about the disconnection?  Try watching The Happening.  No matter what actors they trot out the true stars are the cars that transform into robots that transform into toys that only children with attention deficit disorder can appreciate.

Remember when Andrea Zuckerman totally doubted Brenda Walsh's commitment to the teen crisis hotline and then Brenda proved her wrong by helping a girl who had been raped and got the rapist arrested?  Well Andrea is going to have to eat it again because real life imitated Beverly Hills 90210.  Last weekend a despondent fan started tweeting Shannen Doherty that she was going to end her life if Shannen didn't call.  Shannen used her skills learned at the teen crisis center and found that this person lived in New Jersey and contacted the local police.  The police paid a visit to the 27 year old woman and her family and found out that the woman wasn't suicidal and wasn't a threat to herself or others.  I guess Brenda Walsh is still saving lives.  I bet Shannen used her detective skills gained from classes on the Education Connection.  Maybe she can make the Dean's List for her heroics and not just her brain.

Warren G turned 42 this week.  This guy seemed to be everywhere when I was a younger and now he seems to have disappeared.  I still have that song Regulate memorized.  It was a clear black night...yeah.  How can you forget a song that is about fighting and fucking?

Tyra Banks posted this photo of herself without make-up.  Holy crap!  It's proof that aliens are among us.  Maybe she is the spawn of Kit and Alma Walker...I had to throw that out there for my fellow American Horror Story: Asylum fans.

Well I guess it's official.  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up.  People say it's because Selena had trust issues and they were always apart.  Now don't get excited so fast Beliebers, rumor has it that Justin has already moved on to a new girl, Barbara Palvin.  Another source claims that one of the reasons why Selena broke up with Justin is because she hates Miley Cyrus.  Selena didn't want Justin to do an episode of Punk'd with Miley but he did it anyway.  However other people are saying that Justin is trying to get back together with Selena.  I still think this kid is going to use his wealth to make David Copperfield's island of ill repute look like a romantic evening.  Quick ladies over the age of 18, get under my blankets, I'll protect you.  God I feel so childish writing about two children who've broken up.  Excuse me while I go do something more adult-like and brush my cat's fur or playing with my G.I. Joes.

Now that Selena's single and ready to mingle, she's putting her goods out on display.  Normally, I'd say, "Get over here," but now I don't think so.  I'm very happy.  To move on from Bieber, Selena has reportedly blocked him from texting, calling, iChatting, or whatever the hell it's called that kids use for communicating.  The only good that can come from this is maybe Justin will release a diss track and talk about how he's a man and won't let any girl sit on his face anymore.  I really don't care if they get back together or not, but something has to happen soon because this whole story is pretty boring. One of them needs to get pregnant if they want us to keep talking about it.  And even though Selena is telling everyone she blocked him, she was spotted with Bieber later in the week.  Maybe he asked her to play his Quinceañera. 

If it wasn't for the People logo you might think this was a pic from Playgirl.  This is actually from People magazine's sexiest people alive issue.  His dog is looking at him and appears to be saying, "My good man, what is the meaning of this nonsense?"  Ryan told the magazine that his medals don't attract as many girls as his dog: "He is a good wingman because he's a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, 'Oh my god, where's Carter? He's so good looking!' He's my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I'll be set."  I guess his dog Carter is used to this nonsense after all.  He probably sleeps and lounges like this all the time because you never know when a Playgirl photographer will jump out and snap photos...that's why I sleep the same way.

I think every cellphone manual has a warning on the front page that says, "If Robert DeNiro calls you then you return his call or you'll wind up floating face first in a body of water."  Apparently Jay-Z isn't returning Mr. DeNiro's phone calls.  Jay-Z agreed to do a song for DeNiro's movie festival, Tribeca, so he tried calling Jay-Z several times to discuss it but Jay-Z never answered or returned his calls.  Well the other night at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday party Robert DeNiro let Jay-Z know how he felt.  A source says DeNiro approached Jay-Z and said that if someone calls you 6 times, you call them back and it doesn't matter who you are and that Jay-Z's behavior is rude.  DeNiro then went on to say that he thinks Jay-Z is the man but he's being disrespectful.  Jay-Z thinks he's the star of New York.  There's only one star that's bigger and that's Robert DeNiro.  Maybe this will fire up DeNiro and he'll make some good movies instead of that Focker shit.  It's a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was gorging himself on the Victoria's Secret buffet otherwise this may have ruined his birthday party. 

I really hate when celebrities turn their backs on their biggest fans and that is just what Miley Cyrus did this week.  Miley Cyrus is terrified of the guy who was arrested on her property wielding a pair of scissors back in September.  Even though he is locked up behind bars she just got a restraining order against him.  She had a temporary restraining order against him that said he had to stay 1000 yards away from her but now she's trying to make it permanent.  That's nearly a mile.  Miley is a wet blanket.  Sorry for being vulgar but what else can a person say about this hillbilly.  Maybe her stalker was a psychic and was warning her about cutting her hair.  Maybe he just wanted to have her carve her signature into his stomach.  That sounds totally legit.  If you get rid of all the lonely, scissor wielding maniacs from her fan base then she's Destiny Cyrus and is the night time cashier at the local Piggly Wiggly. 

Alright alright alright, it looks like Matthew McConaughey is really trying to win an Oscar this year.  A couple of months ago he admitted to breaking up with his one true love, marijuana, so that he could lose weight for a movie role.  This is the result of his work.  He's starring in a movie called The Dallas Buyer's Club.  He plays a real-life man named Ron Woodruff who was a womanizing homophobic junkie that got HIV from sharing dirty needles  and then became an AIDS activist.  Matthew said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that.  Maybe he can keep the weight off and play the lead in Head in the Clouds, a movie about a giraffe that smokes weed.  He looks like a giraffe.  I want to drive up next to him and feed him leaves.  I bet he'll gain all the weight back at the next Texas state fair.  All he'll have to do is breathe in all the deep fried nastiness.

Mary Kate Olsen, 26 years old, was spotted with her boyfriend Olivier Sarkozy, 42 years old, at a basketball game this week.  She doesn't look too cozy.  Where's Chris Hansen when you need him?  Can you believe that the Olsen twins are 26?  I feel so old now.

Kristen Stewart wore this dress to one of the Twilight premiers.  Huh...I thought she didn't like all the attention she gets.  I'm giving her quite a bit of attention right now in the form of a standing salute. I may have to like her one of these days.

I'm just going to leave this here.

Remember when Mitt Romney wanted to destroy Sesame Street?  Well this story may help even though he didn't get elected.  The voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash, has taken a leave of absence after a now 23 year old man accused him of having sex with him seven years ago.  The accuser claims that when Clash was 45 and when he was 16 they had a regular sexual relationship.  The accuser first met with the heads of Sesame Street and when he felt they were trying to shut him up he hired the lawyers that represented one of Jerry Sandusky's accusers.  The accuser has an email in which Clash admits to screwing him but people believe it's a work of fraud.  Kevin Clash has said that the accuser is trying to smear his name for whatever reason.  God, now whenever I hear someone play with a Tickle Me Elmo doll and it does that creepy laugh I'm going to think of Kevin Clash getting nasty.  Well he's off the hook because the accuser recanted and released a statement: "He wants it to be known that his sexual relationship with Mr. Clash was an adult consensual relationship. He will have no further comment on the matter.”  Kevin never denied having sex but he did say all along that the accuser was legal at the time they played night crawlers.  No before you start thinking the Sesame Street mafia consisting of Snuffleupagus, Telly, Rosita, and Count, showed up at the accuser's doorstep, people are claiming he was paid off. TMZ says multiple sources are making that claim and I bet those sources are the asshole puppets of Fraggle Rock.  They say that Kevin Clash offered a settlement worth 6 figures.  The Smoking Gun is claiming that the accuser's lawyers dumped him and they issued a statement saying they don't represent him so maybe he was just looking to get paid.  Either way, isn't it amazing how sniffing a briefcase full of cash delivered by Big Bird will erase all your memories? 

At this year's Victoria's Secret show, Karlie Kloss wore this outfit of a feather headdress, suede vest, shirt, and turquoise jewelery.  This is what white girls call "sexy Indian" during Halloween because no matter how culturally insensitive it is, people are just having a good time.  Of course it caused a controversy and Native American groups were upset but there were more white people angered because some white people have to be offended on behalf of others.  Victoria's Secret announced that they will remove the model from the television broadcast.  Karlie also apologized.  I don't like people thinking they can just wear this stuff.  It's really stupid that people think dressing as another race is all in good fun.  Try walking around in black face.  Try wearing a sexy Nazi costume.  But then I ask, did she slaughter Native Americans?  Did she steal their land?  Did she give them blankets infested with small pox?  Did she revoke their food and told them to eat grass in the month of December?  Do Native Americans still wear this stuff?  Yes, go to a powwow sometime.  What would be another depiction she could've worn?  Maybe she should've dressed in a bolo tie and green poker dealer's visor.

It's good to be Jon Bon Jovi's daughter.  A few days ago, Stephanie Bon Jovi was discovered in her dorm room by police after a friend called 911 claiming she had overdosed on heroin.  Since having heroin is illegal, she was charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance, criminal possession of marijuana and criminal use of drug paraphernalia. Then those charges were immediately dropped. Why? Let the District Attorney explain: "By law, we cannot prosecute either of these two individuals.  Back in September 2011, New York State Penal Law added an exemption clause to drug possession charges for anyone experiencing a "drug or alcohol overdose or other life-threatening medical emergency" -- the law also exempts anyone making the call about such an emergency."  The DA went on to say, "If you want to possess and use heroin and get away with it, make sure you have a celebrity parent."

Janeane Garofalo was married for 20 years and didn't even know it.  And everyone born after 1990 is saying, "Who is Janeane Garofalo?"  She just recently found out about her secret husband last week for a reunion of The Ben Stiller Show, yeah he had a TV show...you should find it because it's funny.  Janeane told the audience that she just found out she was married to Rob Cohen, a writer who has written for many TV shows and also produces The Big Bang Theory.  She said they got drunk in Las Vegas and got married at a drive-thru wedding chapel and figured they needed to sign papers at a courthouse to be legally married.  Rob is getting married for real and his lawyer found out that Rob was already married so he had to file for divorce.  After they broke-up but didn't get divorced Rob went on to do his work on The Big Bang Theory.  I wonder if this means Janeane will cash in on alimony.  I guess this teaches us the secret to a healthy marriage, get married, move to separate cities, live in different houses, see other people, never talk to each other, forget each other, and then 20 years later get back together.

This is a still shot from the new movie OZ: The Great and Powerful.  It's the prequel to The Wizard of OZ that stars James Franco.  The budget for this movie is well over $200million and many people are worried that it will be a flop at the box office.  Do we really need yet another re-imagining of a classic movie?  There's no Tin Man, Scarecrow, or Cowardly Lion.  There was the mini-series a few years ago that modernized The Wizard of OZ but it was some SyFy schlock.  This new movie revolves around the likes of James Franco, who plays the titular Oz, a struggling musician who ends up being transported from Kansas to the land of Oz and gets mistaken for the king of Emerald City. On the way, he must defend against two evil witches (Mila Kunis and Rachel Weisz), and then he finds an ally in a good witch (Michelle Williams).  It will also revolve more around the books.  James Franco was also nominated for a blogging award for his work on entertainment blogs at Huffington Post.  I was linked to Huffington Post so where's my award.  Anyway, here's a trailer for the movie.

Because of restaurants like Applebee's, Dave and Buster's, Chevys, Red Lobster, and Olive Garden, Times Square has become the culinary capital of New York City and now thanks to Guy Fieri it may just be the culinary capital of the world.  Guy Ferry opened a new restaurant there this week.  Why would he want to change his name from Guy Ferry?  The restaurant has 500 seats and is called Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.  The New York Times gave it such a bad review.  But first we have to look at some of Guy's offerings.  First we have Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche.  Then we'll have Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders and Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing and Guy-talian Nachos.  Peter Wells' article is pure gold.  He basically hates the food because he considers it gross and will give you nothing but diarrhea.  Here's some noteworthy quotes: "Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?"  "When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?"  "What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?"  "Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?"  "Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?"  "ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.  SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.  SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes."  Guy's restaurant sounds like the type of place where you'd find a bleach blonde hair in your food and you'd wonder if it came from his head, neck, or crotch.  Donkey Sauce?  Something that goes on food shouldn't remind me of a stunt on Fear Factor where contestants had to drink donkey semen.  His restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted for making marshmallows taste like fish.  In the time it took you to read this, Guy Fieri styled one of his blonde spikes.

Demi Moore turned 50 this week and in her mind she turned 25 so if she's delusional I can't blame her for trying to lure Leonardo DiCaprio, who turned 38 this week.  He shot her down like a North Vietnamese MiG over the Gulf of Tonkin.  USA!  According to the National Enquirer, Demi has romanticized a fling she had with Leo back in 1997.  She has been hanging out in New York where Leo is filming a movie but he keeps blowing her off.  Oh Demi, don't do this. There's no need to degrade yourself. You were a decent actress for many years. I'm sure there are plenty of sassy grandma rolls in Tyler Perry movies you can take to keep you in the public eye.  You will not reunite with Leo because he's too busy plowing his way through the Victoria's Secret catalog. 

And because I posted something about Demi Moore I have to take a shot at her exhusband or whatever the hell he was, Ashton Kutcher.  Do you think he got paid to look that bad in that sweater? 

Last week I wrote about Ariel Winters being removed from her mother's custody because of verbal and physical abuse.  Crystal Workman denies the allegations and continues to say that she had CPS called on her because she tried to end her 14 year old daughter's relationship with an 18 year old boy after she caught them in bed together.  He continued sleeping with Ariel so Crystal filed statutory rape charges against him.  I don't know what to think of this mess so god bless former child bride Courtney Stodden for weighing in on the situation.  Courtney isn't a licensed therapist but she offered this advice: "I think it's awesome! As long as they're in love, it's okay. They should get married!"  I know whenever I need relationship advice I go to a drugged up 18 year old who is married to a 51 year old closet case and calls him daddy.

Springfield, Missouri will never be the same.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie unleashed their army of children upon the city and they terrorized a pizza place called Arris' Pizza.  And that is why I don't go to Chuck E. Cheese.  I suffer panic attacks whenever I'm within a mile of one of those places.  Brad and Angelina supposedly rented out the entire restaurant so their children could run free and run free they did.  Sources say that they ran around the restaurant, jumped on chairs and tables, and threw pizza at each other.  The whole time Brad and Angelina sat there staring at each other.  I guess when they are supposedly so beautiful it's difficult to keep their eyes off each other.  I sort of would've enjoyed watching the chaos because instead of Lord of the Flies it would've been Lord of the Pizza Pies...thank you thank you, I plan on being here all week.

This week can't get any worse.  First we have the death of Hostess and now we have the alleged death of Britney Spears' engagement.  People close to the couple are saying that her fiance Jason Trawick is regretting asking her to marry him.  Maybe he's regretting it because Britney can no longer have her 4 tier Hostess snack cake wedding cake.  They had planned on getting married at the end of December but now the marriage is on hiatus.  Jason has grown weary of constantly having to check-in with Britney.  He also has grown tired of her constant nagging.  He has even put his phone on speaker phone so all his friends can hear Britney nagging him.  What makes this even sadder is that Jason is one of Britney's co-conservators.  Imagine how awkward that will be when going to meet with Britney and her father to discuss Britney's life and career path.  Piggly Wiggly was really saddened by this news but then they were reminded they're still catering Miley Cyrus' wedding.

I was going to use a different photo for this story but I think my female readers wouldn't have appreciated it.  This week was the halfway point of the current season of American Horror Story and FOX is so pleased with it that they've ordered another season of 13 episodes.  Supposedly Jessica Lange is attached to yet another season.  There's no word on what the story will be about in the third season but no doubt it will be interesting.  I didn't think the first season was scary.  It was more of a mindfuck.  This current season gives me chills and sometimes makes my hair stand on end.  The bad news is that after this season is finished we have to wait until the fall for the third season.  Oh well, January 23rd is a long time away.  So what would you like to see for the third season?  I have been thinking it should be a shot for shot remake of Keeping Up with the Kardashians but mix in some creepy music and Jessica Lange as Bruce Jenner and it will be a hit.  Another thing I've been thinking of is a summer camp where kids go but don't come home and if they do they aren't the same.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

So I’m back.  The reason I was gone was because I went to a Korean restaurant and it turned out that it was a North Korean restaurant. There was no food, no electricity, and the reason I was gone was because military service was compulsory and I had to put in my time.  I don’t think I’m going back there and I may give them a negative review on Google.

I was expecting to see a lot of “I’m moving to Canada” tweets last week regardless of who won.  The only difference in who won would be the spelling of the tweets.

I think to show my bi-partisanship I should enact a ménage with two ladies, one who is Democrat and one who’s Republican.  We need to heal as a country and I’d like to make us cum together.

They should’ve voted last week on outlawing people from playing ukulele in public and double the fine if they post a video of their performance on Youtube.

I tried to vote on Prop 45 to outlaw skinny jeans.  Also tried to vote yes on Prop 44 to rename avocados “sad apples”.  Prop 43 was making people who call themselves foodies to bathe in bacon grease.  Prop 42 was the legalization of marijuana and the outlawing of anyone who asks for a vegan menu at a bar and those bragging about being gluten free are arrested on the spot.

The internet is basically meth.  It feels really good when you first start but then you can’t stop and then it loses its luster and you don’t get anything out of it but you still have to use it.

I don’t know which is worse, all this election backlash or that I have the showtune “Oklahoma”stuck in my head.

I wonder if all the actors in the Avengers movie were not as attractive and were ugly like me how hard that movie would’ve bombed.  I guess that goes for any superhero movie but I just used The Avengers because it seems a lot of girls liked that movie.

It was so wise of Colorado and Washington to legalize marijuana.  People will flock there for weed tourism and also camera sales will skyrocket so people can take photos of themselves smoking and blowing smoke of legal marijuana.  And then there’s Funyun sales.

I heard a Nickelback ringtone today which means that Obama has failed in his second term.

If the world ends on December 21^st I’m going to be pissed because then I’ll miss Christmas and I was looking forward to getting presents from all of you.

Remember record stores? They were awesome.  Have any of you heard of this kpop?  Gang Them Style is my favorite band.

The next time you watch a movie, don’t ignore the FBI warning.  They list all the naughty things they’ll do to you.  Trust me; you don’t want to break those laws.  Your butt will thank you unless you are into butt stuff then go ahead, break the law.

So I guess this conservative movement to secede is just people being too lazy to move to Canada or maybe they figured that their threats were hypocritical with the legalized gay marriage and universal healthcare.

Can you imagine the day when a parent goes to name their child and the doctor says, “I’m sorry that name is taken.  May I suggest Sara_013 or Sarasanaughtygirlxoxo?”

The real reason women love men in uniform is that the men have been conditioned to follow orders and women love men who are obedient.

If you were born this week it’s probably because you’re parents boned irresponsibly on Valentine’s Day.

Do you have to enjoy ICP to enjoy Faygo?

I watched a Bollywood horror movie last night or at least I thought it was a horror movie because one of the back-up dancers wasn’t dancing in rhythm to the music.

I’m not good at flirting because I always think that if someone hears something sexual coming from my lips it would be the most awkward thing ever and would induce vomiting.

If evolution was real, how come people are this stupid?  Creationists-1, Evolutionists-0

It’s been 3 hours since the last bonkers update to the David Petraeus scandal.  I think we’re due for another.  What’s so bad about what he did?  I’ve had sex with my autobiographer several times.

I find it funny that the producers of Honey Boo Boo knows they all speak plain English but feel it necessary to add subtitles because the elitists on the coasts don’t speak no real English.  Welcome to ‘Murika, now speak ‘Murikan.

Have you ever had the feeling that Hitler’s final solution was an attempt to prevent Adam Sandler from being born because Hitler was capable of time travel and came to our time and saw Jack and Jill?  Don’t worry, I can say this.  I’m Jewish. How ridiculous does that sound? Just because a person is a certain ethnicity it enables them to say derogatory things about their ethnicity.

A recent study found that weight loss restored sexual function for obese men.  They found it triggered two things.  First, guys were able to find their dicks and second, they were able to get dates once they weren’t fat.  Hmm I guess I am ahead of the curve because I can find my own dick.

I hear the commercial…every kiss begins with a “K”…since when did they start spelling chloroform, Kloroform?

I’m sick and tired of going out and being mistaken for Brad Pitt.

I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, therefore I touched her boob...the transitive property...God I love algebra!

Did you know it's impossible to say "eBay" in pig Latin?

Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American of any activities.

I saw a biker with a shirt that said "If you can read this, the bitch fell off." and wondered, "Does that come in a mask?"

I bet people stare at the television more than any other household appliance

Once to score free drinks at a bar in Minneapolis, I told people I was the fat,silent kid on The Cosby Show

They have a Throwback Pepsi that contains "real"sugar. If Coca-Cola were to make a Throwback Coke, would it contain cocaine?

If anyone goes to a NBA game, could you do me a favor and vote for me for the All-Star team?

If there's one thing I learned in life it's ladies of taste and refinement prefer strip scrabble or strip chess over strip poker

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I feel like royalty when I dine at Burger King plus I love cardboard crowns.

The true measure of success in life is if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral.

Sometimes when people tell me a story about their life I get disappointed because I know the main character doesn’t die.

The high point of my teaching career was monitoring a studyhall where the students were passing around their cellphones showing each other photos of joints they had rolled and then teaching them the electoral process only to realize none of them will ever vote because they’ll all be felons by 2016.  Then after the lesson I hear, “Mr. W, someone pooped in the urinals again.”  I so need to get out of teaching in public schools.

“I’m not here to make Friends.” Me, when I went to NBC to interview for a writing position.

Has anyone noticed if Michelle Obama has been walking normally since President Obama won re-election?

“Don’t be a stranger” is something nice to say to a friend and a hell of an introduction to a stranger.

Yesterday the post office was closed.  It affected dozens of people nationwide.

They keep talking about Fiscal Cliff.  I wonder if he’s friends with Fiscal Norm and they drink at Fiscal Cheers where the bartenders are Fiscal Sam and Fiscal Woody and the waitress Fiscal Carla is trying to score with everyone except Fiscal Paul.

They often say don’t bite the hand that feeds you.  Well you should if you’re a cannibal or the hand is made of delicious chicken fingers.

I like hanging out in writing shops working on my coffee brewing techniques.

It’s getting close to that time of year in Wisconsin when the snow is one the ground so once again I have to remind you people about the rules for eating snow.  If it’s yellow never eat it.  If the snow is red then that snow is for vampires only.  If the snow is blue then it’s Smurfs only.  If the snow is green then it was probably bought at Whole Foods and you don’t want any of it because the mark-up is way too high for people who have to resort to eating snow.  If the snow is brown you have to eat it because it’s likely chocolate.

This weekend is a holiday in Wisconsin. It’s the opening of gun deer hunting season.  Here’s a technique for properly bagging the big buck.  First, find the deer.  Second, give deer and Edible Arrangement.  Third, ask deer to go to see the new Twilight or Abraham Lincoln movie. Fourth, pick up deer in your car. Finally, shoot the deer.  Or you could just be like me and run it over with your car.

Remember last week when everyone cared about politics?

I got fired from my First Aid course.  I taught the controversial, “Stop, drop, and roll but not if you’re near a swimming pool and have eaten anything in under 30minutes” technique.

Never ask a middle aged lady why she has a doctor appointment because she just may tell you her entire medical history.

Do you really wonder why Florida has problems counting votes?  Watch five minutes of The Real Housewives of Miami and then you’ll understand.

Today’s weather forecast: Sunny and a high of 46 with a low of 27.  Xanga’s forecast: mostly boring with increased drama this afternoon with a 100% chance of bullshit.

Xanga teaches you that there are people out there lonelier than yourself even if they have 75 different accounts and use them to communicate with each other.

Xanga should be about having fun, smiling, and making people smile.  If you make it a competition to get on the top blogs or form of validation for yourself well I pity you.  I hope you find a friend or a good therapist.

If it wasn’t for multiple personality disorder Xanga wouldn’t have 75% of the users.

Checking Xanga has become like checking my fridge for something to eat, it's the same stuff that was there before.

"The greatest thing about Xanga is you can create a quote about anything and totally make up the source."- Abraham Lincoln

Xanga doesn’t make you happy.  It just allows for some of the insanity in your brain to exit through your fingers and enter someone else’s brain.

Fucked up and steady wins the Xanga race.  But drunk, manic, and creating multiple sites works just as effectively.

Sometimes I get the feeling that someone on Xanga has killed before and I don’t like it.

If you’re offended by something I post, let me know so I can completely overhaul my site just for you.

Sometimes I think I’m funny but then I go back and read my posts and realize I need a therapist and another drink.

I got more wine bottles today but I can't bottle the hard lemonade because my corks don't work with the bottles.  Who knew trying to make my own booze could be so frustrating?  I was going to go to Walmart but it's too late and the deer are running and I was told that if I go at night I'll die.  All good reasons to avoid Walmart.  I guess it's time for the round-up.

Scarlett Johansson got a tattoo this week and believe it or not she wasn't in prison and didn't trade cigarettes or a blowjob in the shower for it.  Remember when celebrities had a lot of money and they spent it on weird things like dinosaur skulls and Superman comic books?  Why can't they do that again?  Why are they all out getting tattoos?  Here's an up close look at it.  While in Paris over the weekend, she got a horseshoe with the words "Lucky You" around it. "Actually, horseshoes isn't so much about luck as it is about the proper throwing form, which can be developed through practice and repetition," said the guy who totally misses the point.  Maybe she got kicked by a mule and that's imprint it left.

Sally Field turned 66 this week.  I remember seeing her in syndication in episodes of Gidget and The Flying Nun.  She was so adorable.  She still is rather good looking in her current show Brothers and Sisters.  She's also in the new Lincoln biopic which actually came out this weekend.  I should be in the theater but you get to read this so you better leave eprops.

Doris Roberts turned 87 this week.  I think she'll be one of the most popular TV moms in TV history.  I went to look at what other work she's done and she has an impressive resume...All in the Family, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mary Hartman Mary Hartman, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and Grandma's Boy.

Last week I wrote about how Miley Cyrus wanted porn star Jessie Andrews cast in her new music video.  Well the good people at Sex.com took it upon themselves to offer Miley $1million to star in a girl on girl film with Jessie Andrews.  What they plan on doing is making a remake of her music video but have it star Miley and Jessie and include more sex.  Miley Cyrus already went to a salon recently and asked for "the lesbian", so there's a pretty good chance she'll say yes. But ask yourself, do we really want four more years of Miley Cyrus?Miley has been doing a lot of crazy stuff to make sure her boyfriend/fiance doesn't leave her so I wouldn't put it past her to do this so maybe he'll hint that he'll leave her if she doesn't do it.  When asked about the movie offer, Billy Ray responded, "Smiley gettin' a dang ol' mill-yun bucks for bein' in a cooter eatin' sex movin' pitcher show? Pass me the lube, ma!"  Personally I doubt it would happen since Miley made an estimated $21million last year and is worth an estimated $120million.  That's like a Starbucks barista leaving her $15k/yr job to do a one time porn movie for $800.

Last week, Michael Bay denied a rumor circulating the internet that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in Transformers 4.  This week Michael Bay confirmed that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in Transformers 4.  Bay has come to like Wahlberg while working together on Pain and Gain.  Bay had this to say, "Mark is awesome. We had a blast working on Pain and Gain and I'm so fired up to be back working with him. An actor of his caliber is the perfect guy to re-invigorate the franchise and carry on the Transformers' legacy."  I bet Wahlberg got the job the same way Megan Fox got her role in the Transformers movies, by washing Michael Bay's Ferarri wearing a two piece bikini.  So the worst actor of our generation is going to be in a movie directed by the worst director of our generation.  SWEET!  I can't wait until it's number one at the box office because 'MURIKA!

It's not like we've seen Lindsay Lohan naked a million times before but here is a photo from her new shoot with Bryan Adams for his book Exposed.  You know, whether you're Democrat or Republican or one of those Green Party people, it's nice we can all come together for boobs.  God bless America.  Remember when she rear-end that 18 wheeler on the Pacific Coast Highway and then told police she wasn't driving?  Well she lied, she was driving.  She's being charged with lying to police which is a misdemeanor which is something you don't want to happen when you're on probation.  I bet she's in trouble this time for the 42nd time.  Also, witnesses say there were pills scattered everywhere on the ground and in her truck.  They can't charge her for the pills because she had proper documentation.  What?  From her doctor, Dr. Pepper?  Lindsay is said to be adamant that she wasn't driving and is worried she'll go back to jail especially because Judge Stephanie Sautner made it clear she would violate her probation if she breaks the law again.  She is worried that one accident could ruin everything and that she's been doing a good job following the law since her no contest plea in the jewelery heist case.  Yes, she's been doing good.  She's only had one hit and run.  And only a couple run-ins with the police.  And stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the Scary Movie 5 set.  And being a suspect in another felony heist.  And that $46,000 hotel bill she walked out on.  Nope, she's been obeying the law to a tee.  Lindsay Lohan?  No, it's more like Mother Theresa.  You may want to sit down for this but she has also shit all over any publicity for her new movie.  Lohan was scheduled to do an interview with Barbara Walters but backed out after finding out which way Walters wanted to take the interview.  Lindsay really doesn't need to promote this movie because it will be the highest-rated Lifetime movie ever made. Mostly because people will want to point to the screen and laugh. Especially when Elizabeth Taylor buys a Winnebago so she can cook her famous meth White Diamonds.

Kate Upton did a photoshoot for Vogue Italy and this is what she wore.  This is so weird but I'm wearing that same exact outfit.

The makers of the Sex in Her Shitty and the JHo love dolls announced that they were releasing a Justin Bieber sex doll.  This holiday season the sounds of the season will be moaning and water sloshing around in rubber rain boots when the Beliebers lose their virginity to this sex doll.  Here's the product description: "Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!"  Just like the real thing, you need a bike pump to inflate it's dick.  I don't know who is going to buy this but if you are you better act quickly because I hear Perez Hilton has ordered 200.

Justin Bieber was a performer at the Victoria's Secret show this week.  I was surprised Selena Gomez let him go.  She's probably at home with the blow-up doll because it probably has the same personality as Justin Bieber as well and she probably gets more satisfaction from the doll.  Looking at this photo you can almost tell the exact moment Bieber goes through puberty.  People are saying that Justin and Selena have broken up because Justin was backstage at the show and was asking various models for their phone numbers. He apparently scored one phone number and that was Barbara Palvin because they were spotted around New York together later in the week. Even if any of the most beautiful women in the world were interested in a skinny, allegedly virginal teenager there is no way they would have gone for it. All of the single ones probably spent the evening hunched over their phones waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to call because Victoria's Secret catalog is basically his dating service.  Poor, poor Selena Gomez -- she must be absolutely devastated by these allegations. If I was her, I would get revenge on this little asshole in the most embarrassing way possible.  I'd find a celebrity gossip blogger on Xanga and screw him senseless.  That'll teach Justin!

Last week I wrote about how Joe Simpson, father of Ashlee and and Jessica Simpson, came out of the closet to his family.  The National Enquirer reported it and now Joe is saying that the Enquirer is spreading lies about him.  TMZ has sources that say the gay rumors are true and others that say it's lies.  This is the era we live in, folks.  Evertyhing is spin spin spin.  Paris Hilton is relevant just like Britney Spears is on crocodile tranquilizers and the Kardashians are attention whores.  Joe Simpson isn't gay since most straight men get caught balls deep in young male models. I mean, what middle-aged-man's man hasn't taken a sip out of a trouser snake at some point in his life? I guess we'll never know and just have to believe he's a heterosexual creepy perv that dresses like that and obsesses with his daughter's breasts.

Jermaine Jackson has a PhD in phucked up names since he named one of his kids Jermajesty.  He's at it again and this time he's toying with his own name.  People are saying he's been so upset with how his family turned against him this summer so he wants to change his name.  He has petitioned the court to change his name to Jermaine JackSUN.  Yes, Jermaine Jacksun.  Big change.  A judge has to approve the name change and he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change.  In other words, Jermaine is being an attention whore.  So going from "son" to "sun", is he trying to form a new singing group or revive the California Raisins?

The curer of autism and literary genius Jenny McCarthy is selling her new autobiography.  She keeps giving away juicy parts of it because the best way to sell a book is to tell everyone what is inside it.  She said that in one part of the book she talks about a time she did Ecstasy.  She was partying with her friends one night and downed so many Ecstasy pills that she took off all her clothes.  Huh?  I didn't know she needed pills to do that.  I thought that was something she just did.  Anyway after taking off her clothes she went and found a tree and started humping it: "The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping."  Give her the Pulitzer now!  So sticking a needle in your kid is wrong and will probably send them to an early grave and anyone who does it should be dragged to the town square and stoned but eating a bunch of Ecstasy and stripping off your clothes and rubbing your cooter on a tree is perfectly fine.  Thanks for clearing that up Jenny McCarthy M.D. (that stands for maniacally dumb)

After Disney announced it bought Lucasfilms and planned on making new Star Wars movies, people began speculating about cameos by the original cast.  Harrison Ford said he wants to reprise his role as Han Solo but only to give him a proper death.  He claims that Solo was supposed to die in Return of the Jedi  but because Solo action figures sold so well, he was kept alive.  I don't know if you could hear it or not, but my nerd boner just threw my desk across the room. With a lot force. Haha, get it?! I said "force". Because the force is what the Jedi use and I can control my penis with my mind so it's like when a Jedi moves things with his mind and my penis is like that and OH NEVERMIND!  If they follow the Star Wars world then Solo dies of old age.  He and Princess Leia get married and have children and one of those kids is named Anakin just like his grandfather Anakin "Darth Vader" Skywalker.  Then Anakin Solo becomes a bad guy like his grandfather and disowns his family so Han and Leia adopt their granddaughter and then old age takes him.  It sounds boring.  Anyway this will probably become a regular feature around here until the movies are released but there is a scuttlebutt around the web concerning who'd write the next movie.  Early rumors say it will be Michael Arndt who wrote Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3 and the next Hunger Games movie Catching Fire.  Hmmm sad movies with loss...maybe Ford would get his wish after all.  There's also a rumor that he wrote a 40 to 50 page treatment of the film even before the sale of Lucasfilms was announced.  There are reports that Disney wants to take the euphoria from the end of Return of the Jedi and fuck it all up. The directors being mentioned are J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg, and Brad Bird.  Bird is an interesting name since he's done a lot of work for Disney and he also directed the video for "Do the Bartman".  So prepare yourself for plenty of Star Wars drama here.

This is 23-year-old Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton.  She was dumped by Leonardo DiCaprio this week.  I bet she did something wrong to make him dump her.  Nope.  Leo simply got bored.  One of his friends told the Chicago Sun Times, "Leo is a total gentleman, but when it comes to women, he just gets, well, bored. He's a very bright guy and so far, with the exception of maybe Bar and Giselle, he often finds he loses interest pretty quickly. You can only keep interested because of the sexual attraction for so long."  When I grow up I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio.  Hell, I don't have to be like him, I could just be swimming in his wake so I could filter through the leftovers.  This guy has basically dated every Victoria's Secret model and he gets bored and dumps them.  What is wrong with him?   I hope Erin doesn't feel bad because there's no dishonor in being humped and dumped by him.  Leo is John Mayer with talent and he's the measuring stick as to who is a supermodel and who isn't.  If Leo dates and dumps you then you are a supermodel.  I guess he's doing the modeling world a service.  Maybe he's just looking for an intelligent and beautiful woman that can match his intelligence.  Sex with a supermodel may be good but if they only have the brains of a gnat then it gets old fast.

CNN news anchor Don Lemon was in the lobby of a hotel this week when he recognized Jonah Hill.  Don claims he said hi to Jonah and that Jonah ignored him. Then Don took to Twitter and the exchange between him and Jonah makes the internet look like it's high school all over again.  If the internet is high school then Twitter is the area furthest place from the high school that's still on campus where everyone goes to fight when they have disagreements.  If that's Twitter, what's Xanga?  I think Xanga is the pervy phy. ed. teacher whose office is connected to the locker room with a dutch door that is right by the showers and gets occasionally opened while everyone is showering to tell people to hurry up in the showers.  God I had an awful phy ed teacher.  Don then went on to a CNN morning show to complain about it and said he was having a bad day already because he missed his flight because his cab driver delayed him because he asked for his autograph.  So these two are having a catfight, who is holding their purses?  It's a passive aggressive douche bag whose feelings are hurt easily versus a self-important douche bag that thinks the world revolves around him.  Who to side with?  They both seem so wonderful.

Dog the Bounty Hunter and Beth Dog(or is it Hunter) were spotted leaving a tanning salon this week.  They went to a tanning salon because I guess they need to keep their skin looking like its beef jerky smothered in that orange sauce at the Chinese buffet on General Tso's chicken and then it's all deep fried for about a half hour.  Oh well, they obviously have true love...sigh.

How's this for sexy, ladies?  This is David Arquette on the set of his new movie Orion.  I can't seem to find what that movie is about.  At first I thought it was a remake of Sean Connery's movie Zardoz.

Christina Aguilera celebrated the right to vote this week by wearing those jeans.  I wonder if one of those stars is Puerto Rico.  Either way...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

I know a lot of you girls are always on my case about not posting photos of guys.  See I'm not attracted to guys so I don't really know what you want.  Should I post photos of me rubbing nacho cheese all over my beer belly?  I think that would be sexy but I doubt any of you would.  Anyway, People Magazine announced that Channing Tatum was this year's sexiest man alive.  Once again, rubbing nacho cheese all over my beer belly got me nowhere.  I'm sort of shocked that in the announcement with the words "sexiest" and "Channing" that Carol Channing wasn't mentioned.  I never understood this guy's appeal until a girl told me that he's like the guy in high school that ignored you and never talked to you but when you came home from college a couple of years later for Christmas and you run into him at the bar and he's bloated and rough looking and drinking alone so you have sex with him just so you say you did because he was your high school fantasy.  OK, I think I understand now.

This week it was announced that Disney was going to be working on a spin-off of Boy Meets World.  It wasn't clear, or at least I couldn't find, where the show would be aired, Disney Channel or ABC.  It's going to be called Girl Meets World and will follow Cory and Topanga's daughter as she goes through school and interacts with her friends.  I never really watched Boy Meets World but I know a lot of people here love that show.  This is good news for me because it's one step closer to a Kimmy Gibbler spin-off.

Trent Reznor says that there is a possibility of a new Nine Inch Nails album being released in the future.  He retired the "band" after a final tour in 2009.  He is the sole member of the band so I guess it would be easy for him to decide whether or not he'd release new material.  He said this to Rolling Stone: "All signs point to yes... Yeah, there will be new music. There are some things in the works.  Yeah, if it feels right, it's a possibility. I never said that that wasn't going to happen, just that it couldn't go on as it was.  Stay tuned. We'll see what happens here.  Nine Inch Nails is not dead by any means, but all the touring and record writing has been thrown off for a little bit."  Since ending NIN, he's won an academy award and is also working on a music project with his wife called How to Destroy Angels.  OH I am so anxious.  That is one band that I own every major album they've released.  I just wish I could've kept on collecting all the Haloes.

This is Ariel Winter.  She plays the smart daughter on the TV show Modern Family.  She's been taken out of her family's home and is living with her older sister because her mom has been accused of physical and emotional abuse.  A judge determined there was enough for an investigation so he ordered Ariel to be placed with her sister.  Her older sister is Shannelle Workman who was on One Life to Live and she also was taken away from her mother 20 years ago after the mom was accused of beating her.  Crystal Workman, the mother, will appear in court later this month and has been ordered to keep away from Ariel.  A report from Radar said that Ariel tried to emancipate herself from her parents so she could live with her boyfriend and because she couldn't she made up stories of abuse.  That story is false and has been attributed to Crystal.  Jimmy Workman, Shannelle and Ariel's brother, said that there never was abuse and they are making this up for attention.  Jimmy played Pugsley in the Addams Family movies.  Shannelle has also petitioned the court for guardianship and in it they accuse Crystal of hitting, slapping, and pushing Ariel as well as vile name-calling, insulting her weight, attempts to sexualize Ariel, and deprivation of food for a period of time.  also they are filing to have Crystal not allowed access to Ariel's money.  This is so sad and that last sentence is probably what it all boils down to.

Adele is an awesome woman.  She has a new biography coming out written by Chas Newkey-Burden and in an excerpt obtained by USA Today, Adele talks about her weight: "I read a comment [about me] on YouTube that I thought would upset me — ‘Test pilot for pies’ — but I’ve always been a size 14-16 and been fine with it.  “I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life, which it doesn’t."  Well there's your problem, you went to Youtube.  I don't really allow for comments on my videos unless I approve them because it seems like the biggest trolls on the internet are on Youtube.  I bet she gets tired about talking about her weight.  I think our society is too focused on weight and outward appearance.  I know it's hard but we need to start looking at inner beauty because there's something beautiful about everyone.

Here's a photo of Christina Hendricks because it's a photo of Christina Hendricks.  I was going to post more photos from the Victoria's Secret show but this photo won out.  It's like awesome boobs versus awesome tits.  It's a civil war of epic proportions and one you don't want to happen because you could never pick a side.  Christina is overflowing just like this post.  The end.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I hate getting old.  Arthritis really sucks.  I got all my grape wine bottled now so it just has to age and then I'll probably have to do another round of filtering because I've noticed sediment settling in the bottom of the bottles.  Tomorrow or this weekend I hope to bottle my hard lemonade.  Well enough boring stuff, time for links and tattoos.

1.  When I was a kid one of the best toys you could get was the action figure.  There were so many out there.  It seemed like the best way to merchandise a movie or TV show was to create a line of action figures.  Well here are 7 action figures that didn't do so well and actually ruined their characters.  I am glad that I didn't have any of those.

2.  There's not much you can do with old cassettes...not so fast...here are 11 cool things made from old cassettes.

3.  I've been toying with the idea of doing a post about bad cakes.  Well I haven't gotten around to it so here is a collection of bad cakes.

4.  I enjoy the Muppets and I know a few of you do as well.  Here are 11 Muppets who made 11 or fewer appearances on the Muppet Show.

5.  Here are 11 pop culture references a lot of younger readers won't understand.  I guess I am old because I understood a majority of those.

6.   I enjoy TV shows and I love tracing shows based and their spin-offs.  It's always amazing to see how many spin-offs All in the Family and Happy Days inspired although I don't know if you can count Happy Days since it is somewhat of a spin-off.  Anyway here's 11 spin-offs that almost happened.

7.  I mentioned I enjoy find the lists on wikipedia.  Here is a list of headgear.

8.  Are you hosting a party and looking for a game to play?  Well try Cards Against Humanity.  It's sort of like that Apples to Apples but for degenerates.

9.  Now that the election is over we can get back to our daily lives and prepare for the 2014 midterm election.  But before you do that check out this collection of funny campaign signs for fictional campaigns.

10.  Are you looking for a Christmas present for that hard to shop for person on your list?  What do you get for the person who has it all?  VELVET PAINTINGS FOR YOUR INNER-NERD!

11.  I'm looking to lose some weight but I'll avoid these 8 disturbing diets.  #6 on that list...Wisconsin is a wild place.

12.  I'm not much of a fan of the Garfield comic strip but then I found Garfield as Garfield and was an instant fan.  President James Garfield replaces Garfield the cat and hilarity ensues.

Tattoo Time!

I guess that's one way to take away from being self-conscious about scars.

Unless the person you love dies

I think if you'd try that you might need a tattoo to cover up a bite scar.  I know I should get one to cover up my dog bite scar.

Well I think I'm going to have nightmares now.  I'm sure there is a story here but all I can think of is American Horror Story.

Yes, us Wisconsinites not only enjoy Big Macs but we also like our PBR.

Well the all seeing eye didn't see someone take a bite out of it.

I at first thought, "Oh how fitting, putting the Jews next to the Nazis" but that swastika isn't twisted so it's from Hinduism.

I don't think I'll be able to eat pepperoni pizza ever again.

I hope moss doesn't grow on that rolling stone

It's nice to see your mom getting outside and going for a walk.

Well that's just swell

In the not-too-distant future --
Next Sunday A.D. --
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Cambot! (Pan left!)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Croooow! (He's a wisecracker.)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

I bet someone was celebrating the Colorado and Washington state election results.

I saw this on Tumblr.  You gotta have a notary.  You just gotta.

Eyeball  iced pastry carrot all?  Oh well, have a great weekend.

Vote for me!  I’m full of shit but I admit it!  I have inhaled!  I wear boxer briefs!  Taxes! I’m GodfatherofGreenBay and I approve this message.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

I sometimes get upset when I go to XHamster and see that it still isn’t filled with videos of extreme hamsters skateboarding and skydiving.

I’m fairly certain that if cats could talk all they’d say are lines from famous movie villains.

Studies find that when you show young children a photo of Barack Obama, a photo of Mitt Romney, and a photo of Spongebob, most parents will scream, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILD! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”

Disney bought Lucasfilms and apparently they are going tore-release Star Wars: A New Hope and it will contain more singing birds and no one will shoot first and everything will be worked out in a song and dance number.  And if I was a betting man, I’d bet Disney would cast Michael Cera or Zac Efron as Luke Skywalker.  Disney could’ve waited until after the hurricane to announce it bought Lucasfilms. We don’t need two tragedies at the same time.

I’ve been toying with a blog that is nothing but photos of fat guys in baseball hats.  Gratuitous GPOYs to follow.

My rap career never took off because I lost a rap battle to a Walmart greeter on an oxygen tank.

Taylor Swift’s publicist said that Taylor won’t be talking about her break-up with Connor Kennedy.  Nope, she’ll just write a bunch of passive aggressive songs about it for her next album.

Ending classes with a re-enactment of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s “I’m an idiot” speech in Boogie Nights sounds like a good idea, but it’s not.

I’m pretty sure Romney and Obama are praying that Grumpy Cat with Bad News Brian as his running mate doesn’t enter the race

I’m working on getting my doctorate just so when I order take out I can have it delivered to Dr. Godfather and when they hand me the pizza I can sniff it and say, “MMMM just what the doctor ordered.”

It was bad that the New York City marathon was canceled but it was good for three Kenyan runners that were signed by Rex Ryan to be in a super-secret wildcat formation for the New York Jets. It’s so different that they have Tim Tebow playing guard or backfield judge.

It’s also a shame they canceled the race because now all those who trained to run have to settle for is being alive and healthy.

You know if CSI was set in 1990 they would’ve had an opening like this: “This kid looks like he fell to death attempting to jump off a brick wall and onto a car.”  “Well, I guess Parkour Luis can lose.”  YEAH!

I wonder if someone ever gets pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving they can get off by telling the cop that they were driving ironically.

I wonder how long it will be before Hollywood makes a Hurricane Sandy movie.

You think No Shave November is easy?  Try No Bathe November.  It harkens back to the Elizabethan Days where everything was so much better.  Sigh…I was born in the wrong century.

I’m fairly certain that farts are just evil spirits leaving our body because we eat certain foods that they can’t stand.

I like watching the Dallas Cowboys play because even when sitting at home there’s always a chance I could catch a Tony Romo pass.

I was having a conversation with my mom about a soup supper at my church and she was trying to tell me that she had to deliver soup to a person.  I asked who and she answered,“Kathy Prees.”  I didn’t know who this person was so I asked where they live and my mom said, “Oh come on you know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I said I didn’t and she said, “you used to make bike ramps in the backyard.”  I made bike ramps everywhere when I was a kid.  “Kathy Prees lives up the block from where we used to live.  You have to know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I finally lost it and yelled, “I don’t know any Kathy Prees so how the hell am I supposed to know where Kathy Prees lives?”  “I wasn’t saying ‘Kathy Prees,’ Matthew, I was saying ‘Catholic priest’.”  Well that makes sense now.  I need to start looking for hearing aids.

I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago,I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

A study found that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has an 89% approval rating.  Only two people have higher ratings, Abraham Lincoln with 91% and Jesus with93%.  I wonder if this means that many years from now people will deny that Aaron Rodgers existed.

I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls. Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

I have another big money making opportunity.  I want to make an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t make your fingers look like you’ve been playing with your own feces after you eat it.

I’m going to write the memoirs of my childhood but I’m going to make it all about bounce houses and hitting homeruns in little league.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating. The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

I think after Tuesday, Electoral College will take the number one spot in the BCS rankings.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m writing in Teddy Roosevelt’s name and when you complain about me not voting for a living candidate I let loose my candidate on you so he can feast on your flesh.

I find it amazing how much Canadians know about our election.  Cheers to you, Canadians.  I really should find out what Prime Minister Gretzsky and Vice Prime Minister Lemieux are up to these days.

I’m not Democrat or Republican.  I’m an American and I want the best person for this country and none of this fucking bickering.  You should want the same.  If you keep whining about politics and saying you’re going to move to Canada, THEN MOVE!  They can tolerate whiny assholes better than Americans.  But I'd like to hear you conservatives rationalize their socialized medicine and legalized gay marriage.

Who do you think will be on Dancing with the Stars first:Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, or Paul Ryan?

Obama’s a socialist. He’s very social.  We talked on the phone for hours talking about girls, beer, and homework.

Honestly, I’m more interested in early drinking than early voting.  I have to get to the bottom of this rumor that liquor can be sold on Election Day while the polls are open.

It’s not considered drinking alone if you do it sitting in front of a mirror.

I hate how people think people have foodstamps handed to them on silver platters.  If their poor and on foodstamps they probably can’t afford silver platters.

When people say they have blind optimism it’s because they can’t see how shitty their life has become.

I was talking to guy who was a foreign exchange student at my high school back in the day.  He said he’s not like most Germans.  I asked, “Oh so you’re not into poop porn any more?”

If you commit suicide you’ll live to regret it.

If vegans and vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating all their food?

I was at the gas station and the clerk said, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this dark already.” REALLY?  YOU CAN’T?  It’s not like this phenomena happens every single year at this time.

The real reason Applebee’s is offering free meals to veterans on Veterans’ Day is because they’re trying to help the veterans that are having a difficult time transitioning from MRE’s to real food.

Things never end in Ethiopia because there are no singing fat ladies.

If I looked like Tim Tebow I wouldn’t be a good Christian.

Everyone is gifted but not everyone opens the package at the same time.

A friend of mine told me that he likes to pleasure himself while thinking of his wife in the shower. I replied, “Good to know I’m not alone.”

Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the popular table in a mental hospital.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when people on Xanga say they’re posting links to their nudes but they don’t link to actual nude pics.  So here’s a shout-out to all the people that actually link to their nude pics.

Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissedo ff and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.  It snowed today.

A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.

Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.

You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

And that is why you never run a race against a Kenyan.

I take it Xanga's servers are down because I can't upload photos in my editor but I can in the photo section.  I did read your last assignment.  I just didn't reply because I'm a little tired and this hurricane is really getting me down.  I give you all an A+.

Here's your next assignment.

A.
   

B.
  

C. 
  

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  I would fight Ernest Hemingway.  That dude just seems like he'd put up a hell of a fight but once I'd get an upperhand he'd be dejected and end the fight himself.

B.  I'd probably pick Grateful Dead because no two shows would be the same and there was always good drugs floating around at their concerts.

C.  1.  Jerry Garcia  2.  Roger Waters  3.  John Bonham  4.  Rebecca Black  5.  Jim Morrisson  6.  John Lennon  7.  Jimi Hendrix

I was supposed to post these yesterday but I was battling an allergic reaction to something and I felt ill so I didn't post.

Every time I go to the john,
As I unzip and pull out my wand,
You always enter my mind
And too quickly I find,
I’m too hard to get anything done

This morning I found with delight
My cock had grown a foot overnight
It hangs below my knees
All the girls will be so pleased
Though at first it may give them a fright

There once was a library maven
whose reading style bordered on craven--
She'd read 50 Shades,
disrobe page by page--
And got kicked out for nude misbehavin'

There once was a rightie called Akin
Whose science was greatly mistaken.
"If the rape is legitimate,
her body'll get rid of it"
Could ya get me the drugs that HE's takin'?

Mitt Romney said 47 Percent.
The liberals became quite content.
While Romney back peddles--
The President settles...
And finds victory in Mitt's descent

There’s a Korean pop song called Gangnam,
Whose singer hoped that ladies would bang’im
It’s annoying and long,
A repetitive song,
I wish they’d find the writer and hang ‘im.

In Hollywood,there came a notion
To make fan boys cause a commotion
"Ninja Turtles?" They'd say,
"Just get Michael Bay
For two hours worth of explosions."

Americans who don't pay tax
say "Romney, just get off our backs"
Your life's one big goof,
like that dog on your roof,
our disdain for you just hit the max.

There once was a fellow named Mitt,
AKA the whiter candidate
Whose speech back in May
Caused 47% of the Nation to say
"If the Mitt doesn't fit he should quit!"

There once was a heated election,
And a grim Libyan insurrection,
But they were ignored
When the pedal was floored
After Lohan's pedestrian deflection

Democrat Barack Obama
Says "Forward! I killed Osama!"
"So what?" says Mitt Romney,
"You wrecked the econ'my!"
There's no escape from their drama.

Honey Boo Boo, a redneck in tights
is scoring huge ratings each night
it's an omen portending
that our culture is ending
will the last to leave turn out the lights?

The limericks are all anti-Romney,
but Obama is just as funny.
His golf game improved,
while big business moved
and job loss tanked the economy.

I have slept on the sidewalk,trying to thrive.
I need certain things just to survive.
Part of Occupy,
or homless guy?
No, just buying the iPhone 5

Mayor Bloomberg just caused a big stink
'Bout the sugary super sized drink.
If they can't have their Cokes
They'll be happier blokes!
Guess the populace needs him to think.

His words and his poster said"Hope"
(and I was at the end of my rope)
So I gave him my vote
Now I'm barely afloat
But Id rather have him, than that dope

Libertarians make me so sad
Their philosophy borders on mad
They think they're John Galt
But they're much more like Walt
The main character in Breaking Bad

These Muslims have got me perplexed
A bad movie gets them so vexed?
It doesn't take much
(cartoons and such)
Could this limerick be next?

All I want to do is write about celebrities
Lucky for you I charge no fees
I’m really not a bad egg
So please don’t make me beg
But on this post…COMMENT…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

Courtney Love was not impressed with her likeness at Madame Tussaud's

These Swedish gymnasts demonstrate the move called The Clüstërfük

I think this is a scene from the new Laverne and Shirley porno parody in which we see Laverne DiVaggio and Shirley Peeney put a different type of glove on the assembly line.

ZOINKS!  That reminds me, I should do another porn parody post.

TLC introduced a new show this weekend called "Say Neigh to the Hay"

Oh that's awful, not even I would do that.

50 Shades of Grey...the costume...I love it.

I didn't get a lot of candy this year.  I don't think people liked my costume.

That's exactly what Luther was writing about

Amen

The Amish would've been out building barns in Hurricane Sandy.

That show is so awesome.

Depending on everything, I may be back tonight with a homework assignment.

I was supposed to do this last night but many factors prevented me from posting.  I had to do some work for my parents because they are old and feeble.  Then I went out to a local diner for supper and then at home I decided to watch Breaking Bad DVDs.  I always forget to watch when it airs on AMC so I wait for DVDs.  I think I watched about 5 episodes last night. I was also having one awesome conversation via the text messaging.  I feel old when I say that.  Well anyway here's the round-up if you care for that sort of thing.

Taylor Swift is no longer part of the Kennedy family.  She broke up with her boyfriend Connor Kennedy this week.  When asked why, Taylor's publicist said that Taylor wouldn't talk about the break-up but would only promote her new album.  Of course she's not going to talk about it because she's currently writing passive-aggressive songs for her next album.  Since it involves the Kennedy family maybe one of the songs will be about getting drunk and being plowed by brothers or in other words, a country song.  I could be a classic country song if she incorporated gigantic belt buckles, pick-up trucks and dogs.  I've seen too much of this chick on my TV.  I'm pretty sure she's ready to jump the shark because she's on water skis and the boat is revving its engine.  Also keep in mind that when she started dating Connor, he was only 17.  So not only is she clingy and creepy but she's also a perv.  Maybe she can get a show on Country Music Television and host Are You Hotter than an 11th Grader.  She can't seem to keep a man and like maybe like many others have suggested on Twitter and Tumblr, the problem isn't with the guys she dates but it's her.  Maybe it's because she looks like she's 12 and is about 5'11".  There are now reports that she's on to her next man, a singer named Ed Sheeran.  They worked together on one of her passive aggressive break-up songs on her last album so maybe he wants to be the focal point of a song on her next album as well.

Tim Robbins is going to prison because he has too much free time on his hands.  He will be teaching acting classes to prisoners in Norco, CA.  You know it's funny, they execute prisoners in Texas including the mentally retarded but in California they teach prisoners to cry on cue.  Tim had this to say: "They're asked to do things they've never been asked to do in their life - open up emotionally, and put make-up on and costumes on, and pretend to be people. It's weird stuff. You never are encouraged to express your emotions in prison, and this class says it's okay to feel this kind of emotion, to respond with fear to a threat, to have empathy for someone that is constantly hostile. It's okay to laugh at the absurdity of a situation."  What the hell?  He can't get people to watch his bad movies so now he's teaching bad acting to convictions.  Something tells me that his method classes will be very popular when they get to the unit called, "How to Look Like You're Sorry at Your Parole Hearing".  Maybe when he's done teaching prisoners how to act he can teach Mahmoud Ahmadinejad comedic timing. 

Russell Means recently passed away at age of 72 after a battle with cancer.  Means was an activist for the Native American people and was a member of the American Indian Movement.  He also helped the indigenous peoples of Central and South America.  He also was an actor and was in The Last of the Mohicans, Buffalo Girls, Natural Born Killers among many others.  I think the best contribution Means gave us was his book, Where White Men Fear to Tread.  Russell Means will be greatly missed.

Does this look like the face of someone who had to have their stomach pumped because they ingested too much semen or did cocaine by putting it into suppositories?  Well it is for one of those stories.  Rod was on the hard hitting journalism show that is Katie Couric and finally answered the questions about the rumors.  The story goes that Rod was in San Diego and went into a gay bar that happened to be filled with sailors so he took them all out back and performed oral sex on all of them and he collapsed because he swallowed too much seamen semen and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  I think I've heard that rumor for almost every teen male hearthrob.  Well Rod explained it that he had a publicist who was gay and the publicist did something terrible so Rod had to fire him.  Rod said that to exact revenge his former publicist released that rumor to a few agencies.  Now we just have the Richard Gere and gerbils rumor.  In his new book, Rod writes that he was never addicted to drugs but he did do them in creative ways.  Rod claims that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was addicted to coke but didn't want to hurt his nose so he and Rod started shoving the coke up their butts.  They put the coke into a suppository and inserted it.  Lindsay Lohan isn't impressed.  She can suck up coke with her butt from 100 meters away.

Octomom's former nanny has decided to start spilling the beans about the secrets behind the walls of the Octopalace.  Octomom claims that her older children knew a little about how she made her money recently and they understood that she did a porn video.  The nanny, Gina B, claims that she caught Octomom's 11 year old son watching porn on his cellphone and it wasn't any porn, it was his mother's.  He was watching his mom's cat scratch fever video and the nanny claims Octomom didn't block the website but just told him to stay away from porn.  I thought it was bad enough walking in on parents having sex.  Just imagine his emotional scars.  I could imagine him getting pulled over by a cop for doing 150mph in a 25 zone, mowing down a basket of puppies, after robbing a medicinal marijuana dispensary in a stolen car that reeks of beer and playing a Carly Rae Jesperson song on the radio.  All he has to do is say, "I'm Octomom's son and I watched her jill off when I was 11."  The cop would say, "Have a nice night, sir.  Do you need a police escort anywhere?"  Octomom also entered rehab this week because her publicist claims she wanted to get off Xanga...oops I mean Xanax...same thing really.  The nanny claims that she's probably really going to rehab for alcohol addiction because Octomom routinely drinks liters of vodka mixed with cranberry juice every day.  In Octomom's defense, if I had 14 rugrats begging me for attention and food on a daily basis, I'd be fucked on more things besides Xanax and vodka.  You know what it's called when you have 14 kids and are addicted to Xanax?  It's called "Getting through the day."  If I had 14 kids, they'd be lucky to have the litterbox changed once a week.  I think she should get a parenting award for not going crazy or letting the Duggars adopt her kids.

Madonna bought her daughter Lourdes an apartment on New York's Upper East Side for her 16th birthday.  That is so sweet because nothing is more entertaining than an absentee mother trying to buy her daughter's love.  Octomom should take note.  Imagine how many times she'd have to masturbate to pay for 14 apartments in New York City.  So Lourdes got an apartment for her birthday.  That reminds me of my 16th birthday extravaganza.  Just replace "getting an apartment from her mother" to "getting a handjob in a movie theater from my girlfriend during Happy Gilmore".  And like Lourdes, I was really happy with my present.  Madonna buying her daughter an apartment is just the rich person way of kicking her kid out of the house. She must have gotten sick of watching Lourdes bounce around her mansion singing Lady Gaga songs.

Last week Michael Lohan attempted to stage an intervention for Lindsay.  She responded by getting a restraining order against him.  However the truth is it wasn't Michael who wanted to stage the intervention, it was Lindsay's management team.  Her manager, entertainment lawyer, and defense lawyer emailed Michael begging him to do something for her because they are worried for her health and well being.  So Michael Lohan and Lindsay's management are trying to stage an intervention to make her better but her mother Dina and the rest of the Lohan family are urging Meal Ticket Lindsay to get a restraining order.  And when she's not drinking or doing drugs, Lindsay is best known for thievery.  Apparently this week, Lindsay went on to the set of Scary Movie 5 and walked off with over $15,000 worth of clothing.  Maybe she thinks she's entitled to it like free soap at motels.  The producers just wrote it off as business expenses because when you hire Lindsay Lohan stuff turns up missing and that's to be expected. 

Larry Flynt turned 70 this week and threw in his support for President Obama and even better he took out an ad in the Indianapolis Star to offer $1million to U.S. Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock if he is able to prove his ridiculous statement that "even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen."  Here's some of Flynt's ad: "Please be kind enough to verify your claim for a wondering nation. I will accept for purposes of this reward any verifiable transcript of your personal conversations with God; letters, email, text messages or videos from God, or messages addressed to you from God transmitted by any third party, including the Republican National committee or the Romney/Ryan campaign.I assume that you would not have made this statement unless you had been authorized by God. No one who believes in God would ever use the Almighty’s name in vain. That would be blasphemy."  Yeah, he's a smart one.  God bless him but is there a difference between this and what Donald Trump has done with the president?

Back in September, Tina Simpson filed for divorce from her husband of 34 years, Joe.  She cited irreconcilable differences and those differences being penis.  Joe got the family together including Jessica and Ashlee and told them that he is gay and has been seeing a 21 year old guy.  Hmmm...he has frosted tips, is worried about his weight, laughs about his daughter's boobs...I don't know why I didn't see this before.  A family friend said that Jessica is devastated because she thought she had good gaydar because she has a lot of gay friends.  Seriously?  Gaydar?  Ashlee is also heartbroken because she has been asking if he knew he was gay then why did he stay married so long.  That is a fair question.  One of the reasons why Joe decided to come out is that his boyfriend has been going around bragging about his exploits with Joe because he wants to become famous.  I swear, you can't have a secret gay affair anymore without someone trying to take advantage of you.  It's starting to become a Tiger Woods shitstorm because a few male escorts are coming out of the woodworks and telling how they had affairs with Joe as well.  Tina first found out Joe was gay when she found "modeling" photos of men all over their house and she pried out a confession in the lobby of a New York City hotel.  Poor Pastor Joe.  I wonder when the Lifetime Movie will come out starring Lindsay Lohan as the escort.

In 2005, after Daniel Craig was introduced as James Bond, Jamie Foxx announced that James Bond should be black so he could play the character.  Well Bond producers are meeting with Idris Elba in talks that he play the next James Bond when Craig's five film deal is done.  Elba has had so badass roles like Luther, Stringer Bell, and Charles Miner.  I think it also makes sense since Elba is a London native.  First off, if you've never seen "Luther", do so immediately, and second, there really is no second.  A lot of James Bond purists or racists say that James Bond can only be white and that James Bond is British so he can only be played by Brits and Scots.  Just remember Shrek is a 9 foot tall ogre yet was played by a 5'4" Canadian.  I always figured that James Bond wasn't a person but was just the name of the level that agent had attained.  Think about it.  Why has James Bond never seemingly aged but Judi Dench's M has gotten older and don't make me mention Q.  I guess the adding "color" to films is OK but do we want Shaft to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen or Martin Luther King Jr. by James Franco?

George Lucas sold his Lucasfilms to Disney this week for a cool $4billion and Disney announced that in 2015 they would release a new Star Wars movie beginning the final trilogy.  I have mixed emotions with this.  I think it's going to be rotten because Disney will merchandise the shit out of the movies and include singing birds and mice but then I think that was Lucas' intent with Jar Jar Binks.  Then part of me thinks this could be the greatest thing ever because Disney could bring in the best minds to write the movie and direct it.  Lucas also announced that he was planning on donating all the money from the sale to educational charities.  Great, if he donates that to schools you know they'll have to stop teaching American history and replace it with Galactic Empire History and Spanish will be replaced with whatever the hell language Jar Jar Binks speaks.  Me-sa not gunna like-a dis!

As if George Clooney needs another line to use on chicks in order to get laid!  Researchers at Ancestry.com discovered that George is a half cousin to Abraham Lincoln.  Hmmm half-cousin?  In the British royal family that term is interchanged with "marriage material".  Researchers were tracing Lincoln's lineage for the upcoming movie and they noticed correlation between names and places in Lincoln and Clooney's family trees.  They shared a common ancestor in Lucy Hanks, Lincoln's maternal grandmother.  Apparently this makes Clooney his half-cousin 5 times removed.  The researchers also noticed other similarities between Clooney and Lincoln.  Both are excellent writers (if you can call Leatherheads "excellent") and advocates of human rights and both can grow decent beards.  WTF?  All I got from this is that the chances of Clooney running for public office are now greater.  I already imagine that his opponents attack ads will say that he once robbed a casino in Las Vegas with Brad Pitt and he unsuccessfully managed a plastics factory in Landford, IL and was a doctor who didn't play by the rules in Chicago.  Do you really want a thief in Congress?  Wait a second...

Gene Hackman may be 82 years old but he's still a badass and you don't want to mess with him especially not by calling his wife a cunt.  A homeless man approached Gene and his wife Betsy as they left a restaurant in Santa Fe, NM this week.  The homeless guy started yelling at Gene and Gene yelled back.  Then the hobo made the mistake of calling Betsy a cunt.  As soon as the word left his tongue, the streets of Santa Fe cleared like in the old time western movies.  Gene walked up to Gene and slapped him in the face.  The hobo called the police but the police didn't arrest Gene because they said he slapped out of self-defense.  I am now going to tell any girl I am interested in that I will slap the shit out of any homeless guy that calls them a cunt to prove to them that I love them.  But then this just proves Gene is a crazy old man.  He could've bought off the homeless guy with $200 and a happy meal and then flew him to a private island and hunted him for sport because from all the movies I've seen that looks like a blast.

In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen.  He's back to smoking crack and buying new vaginas for prostitutes.  An insider told RadarOnline: "For at least the last eight months or so Charlie has been having a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine delivered to him every single day and was spending nearly $2,000 a day on drugs. Sometimes he'd even get two to three quarters of cocaine in one day."  The insider also described how Charlie is buying hookers and he took a fancy to one girl.  She was having insecurities about her vagina so Charlie bought her vaginal rejuvenation surgery.  Apparently she went from a "O" to an "o".  That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie.  She probably tried hanging one of those pine tree air fresheners over it with the new car smell.  Then she probably put a new coat of paint on it.  Then had it resurfaced.  Then called Extreme Makeover Home Edition but nothing worked.  But good old Charlie Sheen stepped to the plate.  Since cheap ass Oprah stopped giving things away for free Charlie had to fill the vacancy.  You're getting a new pussy.  You're getting a new pussy.  And a free hoo-ha for you!  But this again!  The first time Charlie lost it it was sort of funny to hear him ripping his TV boss and mocking that shitty show and he did bang some hot broads like they were going out of style.  Now it's sad.  Charlie Sheen isn't a rebel without a cause and he isn't a tortured artist walking the fine line between genius and madness.  Charlie is just a crackhead doing whatever crackheads do when they come into money.  But Veteran's Day is coming up so maybe we should remember all Charlie has done for our country in war movies.  Maybe all his actions are because of his emotional scars from all the action he saw in various combat zones.

A while back a woman filed a police report claiming that she went on a date with Cee Lo Green and that he bought her a drink and she blacked out and the next thing she knew was that they were both naked in his bed.  She wasn't from L.A. so she filed a police report with her local police department and they did a bait call.  They record a conversation where Cee Lo admitted to the woman that he gave her MDMA to make sex more enjoyable.  He didn't say they had sex.  The woman claims the assaults began at a restaurant and police have investigated but Cee Lo remains a free man.  Maybe this is why he will no longer be on The Voice after this season.  His lawyers are spinning it to make the woman look like she's only after money and fame.  Cee Lo doesn't need to sexually assault anyone. He could have any woman on earth -- even if he wasn't famous . . . wait, that's Cee Lo?  Oh who am I kidding, he's George Clooney compared to me.

This is Camilla Belle.  She may be dating the most famous virgin in the NFL, Tim Tebow.  She once dated the famous virgin Joe Jonas.  She must have the most impressive vibrator collection on earth.  Tim and Camilla were spotted in a Jacksonville nightclub holding hands and touching each other lovingly.  Touching each other lovingly?  Does that mean dry humping?  Because dry humping isn't sex and dry humping isn't forbidden.

Axl Rose announced that he is currently working on a new album with his current line-up of Guns N Roses.  He claims that everyone in the band is working on songs and pieces for the album.  He also insists that the 15 year delay between "The Spaghetti Incident" and "Chinese Democracy" wasn't his fault but the fault of the music industry.  All this being said, expect the next Guns N Roses album to released in time for Christmas in 2032.

It was announced this week that Anderson Cooper's daytime TV show was going to be canceled at the end of its second year on TV.  I guess that makes sense.  Why would people want to watch him go tanning with Snookie?  He should just stick to giggling while reading the news, right @Peridot21 ?

An article in the magazine In Touch claims that Amanda Bynes was spotted by multiple witnesses walking into a tanning salon lobby completely naked.  God...she IS crazy.  Doesn't she know tanning can cause skin cancer?  The magazine claims Amanda bought a specific tanning package and was all set to go but didn't get goggles so she walked to the lobby in the buff to get a pair of goggles.  Witnesses claimed she seemed out of it and didn't realize there were other people there and was rubbing her fingers all over the walls.  God, I love Amanda Bynes. Her free fall to Crazytown is gonna leave one hell of a crater; an amazing feat because unlike the phony attention whores, Amanda is legitimately losing it. Remember old ladies Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? Those "leaked" porn tapes were professionally recorded and edited. Sure, Britney Spears had an epic meltdown, but I noticed that the gurney used to cart her to the rubber room was awfully comfortable meaning that whole episode had to be fake.  I bet Lindsay actually has water in those bottles she's always carrying.  So how does Amanda top it?  PUBLIC NUDITY!  I'm surprised none of the people at the tanning salon didn't snap photos of her snapper.  If anyone did, please contact me and if your photo is real I'll send you an autographed photo of myself because some think that my photo is worth more than cash.  Well in the article, In Touch called Amanda "troubled".  Amanda responded to the claims in Us Weekly by saying, "I'm suing In Touch for printing a fake story. I'm not 'troubled.' I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy."  We should all use that line on a daily basis.  No, not that I'm 26 or a multi-millionaire or retired although I do sit around in my underwear and yell at people.  The next time I get a phone call saying I'm late on a bill I'm going to say, "I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, and retired.  Please respect my privacy."  It works on so many levels.  I also believe Amanda when she says she wasn't naked.  No, she was wearing a cloak that she created with her mind because 26 year old retired multi-millionaires have those kinds of powers.

Halloween Section (plus a little more):

Sandra Bullock and her son Louis went as characters from Toy Story.  Can we get a collective "AWWW"?

Neil Patrick Harris and his family went as the cast of the Wizard of Oz.  Can we get a collective, "AWWW"?  Some people do Halloween right and then some people...

Paris Hilton was out this week and who saw her costume coming but everyone.  She dressed as a slut for Halloween.  When asked what her Halloween costume was supposed to be, Paris answered, "What?  It's Halloween?"

Miley Cyrus went trick or treating with Evan Peters from American Horror Story.  Miley was supposed to be a 90s era hooker or the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman.  It was hard to tell that Miley was in a costume because that's about what she usually wears to go grocery shopping.  Did you know Miley still makes music?  Well she does and a new song she is working on will feature porn star Jessie Andrews in the video.  Miley begged for Jessie to be cast in the video.  And of course all her little fans had to look up who that was.  I can imagine a lot interesting reactions to Jessie's...portfolio...ahem.  I also can imagine confusion on the set when people ask Miley where Jessie is and she says she doesn't know then goes in the bathroom and puts on a wig and comes out and says, "Here I am everybody.  I'm Jessie Andrews."  Hey, it worked for Hannah Montana.  They do look alike...kinda sorta.

Lady Gaga went as weed for Halloween.  Well OK.  Also this week she said this: "I was acutely aware of some photos on the internet – my mum called me and was like, “Did you gain weight?” – everybody was telling me about it, and I didn't really care. But when I heard it was on the news, where they talk about wars, the economy crashing and the election – I just thought, ‘This is f*cking ridiculous.’ I mean, what kind of example is that to a young girl sitting at home? I thought, well I don’t really care if they think I’m fat, because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me, how come nobody says anything about it? She’s so wonderful and I think her confidence is something I have to match. She has set the bar very high for a lot of woman. I need to be a confident woman and just say politically active things when I can that are helpful to young people."  So maybe she needs to gain more weight.  I don't know.  She probably also should've said "Adele's talent is bigger than mine."  I bet Gaga forgot the time her Little Monsters took to Twitter to make fat jokes at Adele's expense or the time Gaga's cuntiest fan Karl Lagerfeld said Adele should lose weight.  I guess all that slipped her mind but that's excusable because her head is so far up her ass and that tends to cause memory loss.

Kim Kardashian was dressed as a mermaid The World's Deadliest Snatch for Halloween.

Kris Jenner dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween but Wonder Woman never pimped out her children to anyone who rubbed money or a check under her nose.  Wonder Woman also didn't have nip slips.  I think this photo perfectly sums up the Kardashian Klan, you get naked on camera and sell stripper clothes at Sears because it's empowering.

Katy Perry went as Jane Lane from the cartoon Daria.  Jane Lane is the BFF of Daria and Katy's real life BFF Shannon Woodward went as Daria.  How cool is that?  OMG!  Totally!  I think they need to bring back Daria since they brought back Beavis and Butthead.

Jessica Simpson was a, well I'm drawing a blank.  She's lost 60lbs in 5 months and looks sexy in whatever it is she's supposed to be.  I'm guessing Sexy German Girl who Lives in the Alps and Yodels to Tell Her Grandfather that Supper is Ready.

Jenny McCarthy's birthday and Halloween are on consecutive days.  She turned 40 this year and she celebrated in Las Vegas and when that happens we get the perfect storm of costume that displays the true power of her rack.  I'm trying to figure out what she is supposed to be.  I'm thinking it's Sexy Autism Scientist.  If she wore this when speaking about autism being a government conspiracy there's a good chance I might say, "Wow, that's neat, tell me more."

One of my favorite parts of Halloween in doing these Celebrity Round Up is the parties Heidi Klum threw.  She would basically change her costume every hour and so many of her costumes were over the top except this kitty.  That's just...rawr.  Heidi canceled her annual Halloween party this year.  I think she figured it would be difficult to throw a party without any electricity in New York City.  I think she probably should of canceled it when she traded her husband Seal's dick for her bodyuard's dick but then I'm old fashioned.  She is toying with the idea of having a haunted Christmas party.  Why not?  It will just pissed all the people who have sticks up their butts about "Happy Holidays". 

Deryck Whibley (left) is a member of a band called Sum 41 but I think he gained more fame because he is the ex-husband of Avril Lavigne.  He went as Avril for Halloween and that is his current girlfriend Ari Cooper dressed as Chad Kroger, Avril's current husband.  Deryck posted this photo on his Twitter and Chad Kroger saw it and responded "Hey Deryck loved the costumes!  We were going to dress up as you guys this year but all the parties had celebrity themes haha! -CK"  This is a fight between a Canadian douche and a Canadian douche who are basically fighting over a Canadian douche and all of them make shitty music.  You can't choose a side because they are all douches.

Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were spotted celebrating Halloween.  I think Doug is supposed to be some sort of elevated opinion of oneself and Courtney is a sexy unicorn.  You'd be smiling if you were Doug and knew what that unicorn horn would be used for later on that night.

Christina Aguilera is MUY CALIENTE!  I really don't know what her costume was.  I assume she went as herself for Halloween.  I'm more interested in her current piece of manmeat.  I think he's supposed to be Sir Golddigsalot.

Chris Brown had an awesome costume.  He and his friends went as terrorists.  I should've dressed up like a soldier and shot all of them.  I have always thought that to be a singer you had to not be tone deaf or stupid and he's both.  Maybe next year he can go as a hurricane or a dead guy that has washed up after drowning in a hurricane or some other culturally insensitive costume like...

Aubrey O'Day showed why I detest Halloween.  People think it's their right to dress in something like this.  I just absolutely detest people who think that because it's Halloween it's OK to wear anything they want except blackface.  Why is that wrong but this acceptable?

Adrianne Curry went as the girl from The Fifth Element for Halloween and she then posted this photo on Twitter because Adrianne is really good at Twitter.  This is bad.  Adrianne used that costume a few years ago and she's recycling it but then I suppose it's hard to find sexy nerdy costumes for Halloween.  I just hope she finds something new that's a little less prudish.

And we end this week's installment with Coco because...COCO!  Is there nothing her ridiculous body can't do?  Well it probably shouldn't have been attempting to report about Hurricane Sandy this week.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.