Tonight was fun.  I went out looking for deer at a cousin's farm.  Hopefully they'll still be there come hunting season.  Then I went to a couple liquor stores looking for empty wine bottles.  I know one of the stores sold make your own wine and beer kits so I thought maybe they'd sell empties.  No luck.  I'll have to head to a hobby shop in Madison but the stuff is still fermenting.  It's bubbling like mad.  I then ate at a truck stop.  Truck stop food is so good.  A group of 20 Amish came in as I was leaving.  Then as I was getting in the vehicle I see all these Amish guys walking by with ice cream cones in their hands.  Then at Walmart I watch an Amish guy push a cart filled with Mountain Dew and another Amish guy push a cart filled with celery.  And the whole time I was having a fun conversation.  I'm going to make candy tomorrow so that should be interesting.  Now it's time for the round up.

The Situation is now doing work for PETA.  That cat looks traumatized but then I would be too if I had to be near him.  Hasn't he hurt enough pussy?  I guess that stint in rehab helped him bulk up.  He probably didn't have anything else do in there other than weightlift.  Maybe he was just beefing up for the Vice Presidential debate.

Whoa, girl, you best step back from all this masculinity.  I was thinking he looked like The Situation but now I think he looks more like Mr. Bean.

Sarah Palin has been turning heads because she is looking rather thin with dental work and new hair styles.  I guess there's nothing wrong with that but when asked this week why she had undergone this transformation Palin revealed she's writing a book about fitness and self-discipline.  I don't really picture Sarah Palin sitting down and trying out recipes and then writing about them but who knows.  I figured she was just preparing to mock Tina Fey on some new late night comedy show.

Reggie Bush has knocked up a girl that attempts to look like Kim Kardashian, Lilit Avagyan.  He called into a sports show to announce that he's proud to be a father and this child is a blessing.  Yeah, a blessing to Lilit's bank accounts.  Why is it that guys who used to be with her or wanted to be with her hump on chicks that look like her?  It's like Kim leaves a nasty taint on every thing she touches and that is even nastier than all the STDs.  Kim is also supposedly very upset that Reggie became a father before she had a child and that Reggie refused to have a child with her.  Oh poor Kim!  I shouldn't even be writing about you because you contribute nothing to society but I'm sure you'll recover once your mother gets you some new clothing line or TV show or sex tape appearance.

Kris Jenner or Mama June: who is the shameless famewhore?  This should be a no-brainer.  Just a couple of weeks after making fun of Honey Boo Boo, Kris Jenner has switched her opinions about the show and said she wants to manage Honey Boo Boo.  She must've changed her mind when she heard about how much money this family would be making for the next season of the show.  Sources claim that Kris has had a reversal because she loves children so much and not because she's being upstaged by a seven year old hillbilly beauty pageant contestant.  And since her own kids aren't raking her in money she is figuring she better pimp out some fresh blood.  You have to applaud her dedication to whoring and lack of dignity and self-respect.  Remember when she called Mama June "classless"?  Please let Mama June have one of her gas attacks and fart and burp in Kris' face while having a full mouth of sketti and Honey Boo Boo is snapping her fingers and please let it all be captured on tape.

Here's a nice story of mother/daughter bonding.  This week Tish and Miley Cyrus were seen leaving a clinic in Los Angeles and both were wearing bright bandages on their arms.  There is nothing like going to the clinic to get tested for STDs with your mother.  Miley claims she had an earache.  Earache my eye!  She should be edgy and cover that song.

Mila Kunis was declared the sexiest blah blah blah blah alive.  Apparently the Duchess of Alba and Jocelyn Wildenstein weren't in contention for the award.  The only reason magazines put out "sexiest alive" awards is to make every rage and say, "THAT PERSON ISN'T SEXY!  ______ is totally sexier!"  Do they ever have a sexiest woman dead award?  Also do you find it interesting that the cover put "Where to Eat Now" next to her ass?  Yeah.  Subliminal messaging.  She also claims that she had her career threatened in the past because she wouldn't pose provocatively for the cover of a gentlemen's magazine.  Hmmm that's interesting too.  And "hmmm interesting" is what the male population of South America, Sweden, and Asia are saying right now.

This week was a fun one for Lindsay Lohan.  First she got drunk with her mom and then called 911 after they had a fight over money and cocaine.  Lindsay claimed that her mom owed her $40,000.  Usually when Lindsay says something you believe the opposite.  Well it turns out she was telling the truth.  TMZ obtained court documents that showed that JP Morgan Chase Bank was foreclosing on Dina Lohan's Long Island house because she was behind on mortgage payments.  The bank and Dina cut some sort of new payment deal and that Dina got money from Lindsay to keep the house.  Lindsay helped her get out of the hole but Dina fell back in and asked Lindsay to bail her out again to the tune of $40,000.  For the first time in 7 years, this is actually the first time I actually feel bad for Lindsay.  She's basically an adult Toddler & Tiaras contestant who treated her like a friend and gave her a sense of entitlement and the whole time were sucking her bank accounts dry because she is their meal ticket.  They actually want her to be addicted to drugs and alcohol so she'll be oblivious to all their underhanded dealings with her money and so she'll be easier to control.  In other news, fuck you Dina Lohan for making me care about Lindsay.  Also this week, a trailer for Lindsay's new movie "The Canyons" was released.  It looks like a bonus feature on the Grindhouse DVD.  Also this week Lindsay answered the prayers of Mitt Romney by saying she was voting for him.  At a red carpet event, she was asked who she was supporting.  She said this, "I just think employment is really important right now. So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.  It's a long story."  Well it's nice to know she's concerned about her long term employment futures.  She seems logical considering her conservative values and all.

Leona Lewis is some British singer .  I really don't' keep up with the pop stuff but I caught this interview with MTV.  Apparently MTV thinks the in thing these days is to ask people about 50 Shades of Grey.  They asked Leona who she thinks should play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades movies.  She answered it should be Chris Brown.  I guess if they want him for the role they might have to change the name to 50 Shades of Black and Blue.  Then they'll have to change the ending to Anastasia Steele going to the ER.

Lady Gaga met with Julian Assange of Wikileaks fame at the Ecudorian embassy in London.  Wikileaks and Lady Gaga's hat and Assange's shirt...I'm getting a Spy vs Spy vibe from that photo.  Julian is hiding out in the Ecuadorian embassy because he's wanted in Sweden for allegedly raping two women.  He and Gaga had a meal and left after 5 hours.  What did they have to talk about?  They are both highly skilled copy and paste artists?  You know if they do become a couple we have to give them one of those cute couple names like Brangelina or Bennifer.  I say we call them Ass Gag.

Photographer Terry Richardson released some outtake photos from a session he had with Kate Upton.  I am so happy right now.  I could care less if I won the lottery.

During a concert earlier this week, Justin Bieber claimed he had his laptop and camera stolen.  Then he went on Twitter to complain.  He tweeted this: "- sucks when u take personal footage and people dont respect your privacy.  - yesterday during the show me and my tour manager josh had some stuff stolen. really sucks. people should respect other’s property  - i had a lot of personal footage on that computer and camera and that is what bothers me the most. #lame #norespect"  Of course everyone started thinking "SELENA GOMEZ SEX TAPE!"  But a more reasonable response would be "Oh swell an Usher sex tape."  Also it was teased that he and Selena were breaking up over this potential leak.  Then a supposed photo circulated Tumblr in which people claimed it was Justin Bieber holding his penis.  The only reason they said it could be was because people claim he's uncircumcised.  You know, that's pretty bad that you are so famous that people know whether or not your circumcised.  I wish I could be that famous but I doubt anyone cares.  The biggest sign was a tattoo on the stomach which people claimed was blurring and obvious photoshop.  Well it was because today it was revealed that this was all a stunt to promote a new music video with Nicki Minaj.  Everybody who fell for this should slap themselves with a diaper full of maple syrup for falling for a prank by a toddler.

Jenny McCarthy is a sexy scientist.  She cracked the code of autism being a massive pharmaceutical and government conspiracy.  She is convincing since she has large boobs and bends over a lot.  She makes a lot of good points.  If you look at the increased numbers of autism to the instances of vaccinations...look away, Matt!  She's also out promoting her book and in an interview with Billy Bush for Access Hollywood she talked about the night she blew a guy at a truck stop for $20 so she could fill her car with gas.  She claims that when she was a teenager she and two friends were heading for spring break and got stranded in Tennessee when their car ran out of gas at a truck stop.  She then said she recalled eating a hot dog and then made a blow job motion with her hand and mouth and said, "A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do."  Billy Bush then said, "You're worth more than $20."  Damn straight!  Back then $20 could easily fill a gas tank.  And this is why parents live in fear of their daughters going on spring break.  She doesn't have a classy bone in her.  The classiest bone she ever had in her was Hugh Hefner's withered penis.

Last week I talked about Hulk Hogan's sex tape which was more terrifying than his movie Mr. Nanny.  This week Hulkster confirmed it and said that his partner was Heather Clem, the wife of his best friend Bubba the Love Sponge on the Howard Stern show.  That's sort of funny since Bubba is a radio host.  Hulk said that he was married to Linda at the time the tape was filmed and he claims that Linda treated him so bad that he stuck his dick in any chick that let Hulkamania run wild all over them.  Hulk is also trying to find out who gave the tape to Gawker since he had no idea he was being filmed.  People are claiming that it was a disgruntled former employee of the Love Sponge's radio show.  Hulkster also claims that this Bubba allowed him to have sex with his wife. People also claim that Bubba proudly showed the footage to people because he wanted to show how good of friends he was with Hulkster.  Talk about friendship.  If I was married to someone named Bubba the Love Sponge I probably wouldn't be exactly faithful.  It's no surprise that Bubba and Heather divorced last year because that is usually what happens to guys who let their wives bang someone who has a dick the size of a thermos you'd find in a kid's lunchbox.  

You'd think that since Holly Madison is pregnant she'd stop with the staged photoshoots.  Oh I see what you're trying to say their holding two pumpkins up to your chest.  You're such a classy lady.  The only classy bone you have had in your body was Hugh Hefner's withered dick.

Because Scarlett Johansson was the only female in The Avengers and her boobs weren't impossibly huge like portrayed in comics, Emily Blunt has been cast to play Carol Danvers aka Ms. Marvel for the next Avengers movie.  Ms. Avenger's powers include staying faithful to Captain Marvel while maintaining an air about her that makes dudes hit on her.  That's a joke.  Her real powers are having huge boobs and flying around in a unitard that is three sizes too small.  I think this will win over all the women who complained that the first movie's fictional team of superheroes wasn't equal opportunity enough. 

A new biography about Elizabeth Taylor titled Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame have made some interesting accusations about her.  If they are true then Elizabeth might be called the biggest slut in Hollywood even though some consider her that since she was married 8 times to seven men.  I don't know what else they could accuse her of since most people knew she drank like a fish, had the mouth of a truckstop hooker, ate men like Tic Tacs, and had more jewels than the royal family.  Here are three of the stories.  The book claims that she tried to seduce a 36 year old Ronald Reagan while she was a teenager.  Elizabeth lied to Frank Sinatra to keep him in a relationship by claiming she was pregnant (AKA she pulled a Beyonce).  The last bit is that she had a threesome with JFK and Robert Stack.  Apparently she was hanging out by the pool and she was literally hanging out since she was sunbathing in the the nude.  JFK and Stack saw her and they got all hot and bothered so they took the action to a nearby sauna.  Oh I don't really like books like this that come out after a person dies because they have no way of responding.  The funniest thing is that Lindsay Lohan claimed to be just like Elizabeth Taylor.  Maybe it was a good casting decision but I doubt she has had a threesome with a president.  Hmmm maybe that's why she threw her support to Mitt Romney.

During a recent concert, Demi Lovato stopped the show because a fan threw a Barbie doll on the stage.  She did so because she doesn't agree with the unrealistic body image associated with the doll.  She then said, "I spent my whole life trying to be this and trying to look like this. And guess what? I'm not this...I've been through so much in my 20 years of life. I know how you guys feel and I want to show you guys that you can get through it because I'm living proof right here."  Then she threw it back into the audience.  Settle down, it's a doll and not a commentary on society.  I don't think they want her to be skinny like the doll.  I think they just want Demi to be as good of singer and dancer as the plastic doll.  I know Demi thinks she's all hot to trot because she's Britney Spears' slightly less insane sidekick on The X-Factor but I wish she'd give my ears a break.

David Cross and Amber Tamblyn got married over the weekend.  I used to think the chick from Joan of Arcadia and Tobias from Arrested Development were a random couple and made no sense until I saw David's last book jacket and heard how Amber punked Tyrese.   They are perfect for each other.  She's 29 and he's 48 so I guess there may be hope for me yet.  The band Yo La Tengo played at their wedding.  They had the perfect hipster wedding because all their wedding photos were done on instagram by Questlove.  I can't really make jokes because I'm happy for them.  But they say when one door opens another closes and that's the case with the next marriage.

Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman are no longer starring in a real life version of Little People Big Love.  They have ended their marriage of 30 years and being together for 41 years.  I wrote this on my Motivation post: "Rhea Pearlman and Danny Devito are splitting up after being together for 41 years thus ending the shortest marriage in Hollywood. No word as to what caused the divorce but I’m sure it was a lot of little things.  I also heard she has developed a fear of penguins.  She’s also smart to get out now while she still has her looks."  Well it turns out there is a reason now.  He was cheating on Rhea and pretty frequently and for a long time.  It started while on the set of Hoffa which was released in 1992.  He would prey on starry eyed girls who hoped for fame and fortune by promising them starring roles if they slept with him.  He never made any of them famous but then they are famous for being golddiggers since they slept with someone like Danny Devito in order to get famous.  And then there's poor Rhea over there, actually caring about this fool while he openly cheated on her.  It makes his role as Frank Reynolds more realistic.  I wonder if he ever used this line on the girls he slept with.

I haven't seen much of the VH1 show Couples Therapy but in a recent episode the therapist put Courtney Stodden on the spot and said that people who dress the way she does and act hypersexual are commonly the victims of sexual abuse.  So she was asked if she was abused.  Courtney said, "No, I’ve not been sexually molested, touched in any way.  I just feel more comfortable that way. It’s not like I walk around naked.  I feel like I have a good body, I’m enjoying my youth now."  Hmmm she was how old when she married that 50 year old dude?  The weird thing is, the more I hear come out of Courtney’s mouth, the more I get the feeling that she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s someone who clearly knows what it takes to get on reality TV and has a pathological need to get on and stay on that medium. That being said, I think she lacks the long-term thinking necessary to back that up. Look there’s nothing wrong with being overtly sexual, but you need to have the talent and likeability to back it up, otherwise you’re just a famewhore. It doesn’t take intelligence to grab headlines, just shamelessness, and if she actually wants to not fade off into embarrassment and obscurity, she needs to discern one from the other.  The funny thing with filming this reality show is that since they film it in their house and California child labor laws are so strict, she can't spend the night at their house.  She has to go to a hotel or some other house.  The law says children aren't allowed to spend the night on a film set after filming all day.  And since she's technically a child she had to leave when they were filming.  She's 18 now.  Poor Doug had to stay at home wearing his boas and high heels alone.  I hope the therapy works for them because in a world without Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman I just couldn't go on if Courtney and Doug split.  There would be no such thing as true love.

I am glad that Christina Aguilera is happy with her new body because doggongs she is rather attractive.  She could give Coco a run for the money.

Aimee Teegarden turned 23 this week.  I loved her in Friday Night Lights.  I wish that show was still on the air.  I think her looks have destined her to play roles where she is a high schooler.  I look at her credits and most everything is her as a high school student.  And before you say anything about Friday Night Lights, her last year on that show she was a college student so there.

Angus T. Jones, probably best known for his role on Two and a Half Men, turned 19 this week.  I am actually sort of shocked as to how many roles this kid has had.  I'm also sickened by how this kid has made more money than some of us will ever make in our lifetimes.

Artie Lange turned 45 this week.  He's an actor and comedian and probably best known for his stints on the Howard Stern Show.  He has been haunted by drug abuse but I think it's because he was basically the head of his family at a young age after his father was paralyzed.  I had heard some of his comedy acts and his stuff on Howard Stern and I thought he was really funny but then I saw his movie Beer League and it was really sad because he was such a drunk and drug abuser.  He lost so many roles because the filmmakers didn't want to take risks with his drug abuse.  He tried to commit suicide in 2010 and has since been clean and is hosting his own radio show.  I heard him on a sports program and he seems like a whole new person.  I hope he keeps it that way.

Brett Favre turned 43 this week.  I am a fan of the guy except when he held the Packers organization hostage by not telling them his plans for retirement.  I thought since I posted sexy female photos I'd post his sexy photos but I'm sure people would rate me EX if I did that. 

Chevy Chase turned 69 this week.  I won't say anything bad about him because he's the type of person that would sue a small time blogger on Xanga just to make a point.  I really liked him in Caddyshack, the National Lampoon vacation movies, Three Amigos, and Nothing but Trouble.  I also learned something tonight.  Chevy Chase, Maryland is not named after Chevy Chase.  Nothing but Trouble...you should really check out that movie.

Michelle Trachtenberg turned 27 this week.  She's in a lot of TV and movies but I probably remember her best from her role in Euro Trip.  Also I'm a sucker for fishnet stockings.

Alex Karras(left) passed away this week at the age of 77.  Alex had kidney disease, dementia, heart disease and stomach cancer.  I knew him best as George Papadapolis on Webster.  I felt bad for him in later years once I found out that he was supposed to be the star of the show but Emmanuel Lewis was so adorable that everyone liked him and he became the star.  Also his wife on that show was his wife in real life Susan Clark and they were still married and she was by his side when he passed.  Karras also played in the NFL and was suspended for a year along with Green Bay Packer Paul Hornung for betting on games.  After a knee injury ended his playing career, he took up acting.  He was in The Godfather, Victor/Victoria, and probably what I remember him most for besides Webster, Blazing Saddles.  Alex Karras will be missed.  A little part of the 80s died.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I have a dirty mind.  You've probably come to that conclusion a long time ago.  I like to think it was from when I was in my vow of celibacy.  It was nearly five years of hell.  Anyway it has left me with either a very dirty mind or an overactive dirty imagination.  Sometimes hearing a movie title makes me think of how it could have an alternate meaning.  I got to thinking of movies that could be about masturbating.  Feel free to add to the list.

Toy Story
Deep Impact
The Dark Knight Rises
To Kill a Mockingbird
Die Hard
Tomb Raider
The Lovely Bones
Stroker Ace
The Big Red One
Goldfinger
Bang the Drum Slowly
Fists of Fury
The Abyss
Driving Miss Daisy
Raging Bull
It Happened One Night
Great Expectations
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Play it to the Bone
Alone in the Dark
Hot Rod
Cocktail
In Like Flint

This would be an awesome prize for those with the most titles.

Can you think of any?  Or maybe I'm just dirty minded.

Speaking of having a dirty mind...

Pornhub has taken a new route to raise money for breast cancer research.  All you have to do is watch porn.  For every 30 videos viewed it raises one cent.  When this screenshot was taken 9364609 videos were viewed meaning that $3121 were raised.  It's now at 25,678,037 views meaning $8560 have been raised.  The only downside, if you can say there is a downside, is you have to pick between watching big tit videos and small tit videos.  How does one decide which to view?

YES!

So with that money being raised I'm wondering how much Xanga's Save the Boobs raises.  I was thinking that since prostate cancers kills more than breast cancer should a lady organize a "show your dong" site.  I have artistic nude shots, just ask the people who follow my Tumblr.


Yeah probably not gonna happen.

Quick!  Hide John Stewart!  He's our most important Jew!

Buchanan's speeches really stick in your head and could be turned into country techno.

That Clark Gable was a lady killer.

The water runs for one minute at a time and then you have to wait 30 minutes to 1 hour for the next use.

This is what happens when sinners try to Te-bow.

Sinners...REPAINT!

Can someone in Minneapolis send me a can?

So we really need to sit down with this company and discuss inappropriate punctuation because I don't know many people that want to eat boy syrup.

It looks like Joe isn't going to make it to the debate tomorrow night because those bikers are getting pissed that he's stealing their woman.

#Wisconsin

I said bring in the rainbow FLAGS!

I am finally enjoying my new jeans.

Have a great night and don't forget boobs and masturbation movie titles.

The only thing I discovered on Columbus Day was that the bank and post offices were closed.

If Marco Polo were alive today I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed that Christopher Columbus gets his own special day and all he gets is a shitty pool game.

I taught some kids yesterday.  They learned the rhyme “In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  Now if I only had a word that rhymed with genocide.

If it wasn’t for Christopher Columbus this place would be full of Mohicans and a book called “A Lot of Mohicans” probably wouldn’t sell.

I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

I went clothes shopping and I’m glad I did because these booty shorts really bring out my personality.

I think the only thing more traumatizing than finding out your mother isn’t a virgin is finding out she is.

If I ever have a daughter I thought the only fashion that I’ll introduce to her is the chastity belt.

When you say, “could things get worse” it’s a surefire way to make things worse.

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

I used to be bad at procrastinating but I’m finally over it because I don’t do anything any more.

If you ever feel really stupid, just remember that when Apollo 13 came out, a movie critic called the ending “so Hollywood” and that“in real life the crew would’ve died”.

I had a pair of sweatpants that said “Planned Parenthood”.  They were my favorites but I spilled red wine all over them.  I still wore them around town but got so many looks.  I figured it was because everyone thought they looked fabulous.

I think the biggest indicator that I’m ugly is after a blind woman touched my face she puked.  Then the second biggest indicator was when my dog put a paper bag over my leg before humping it.

When you have a cold and are lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed

When I was a kid, my mom took a second job working at a gas station.  I would jokingly say, “Don’t quit your day job.”  However I wasn’t joking because we desperately needed the money.

If you don’t get a lot of “likes” on photos of your newborn baby, was it really worth having in the first place?

Prejudice is so prevalent in our society today.  Did you know that pregnant women are not allowed to ride rollercoasters?  That’s horrible.

I’m a painter and mainly do nude paintings.  For instance, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.

Not even that catfight between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey is going to be enough to get people to watch American Idol.

I didn’t watch the presidential debate mostly because both candidates have no qualms about killing me or my family in a drone strike.  I did have it on for a while and thought Obama was quick and witty but then I realized I was watching Benson on TVLand.  I also get that Mitt Romney only likes Big Bird and 52 of the other muppets on Sesame Street and wants to outsource the rest to China.  Tea Party members want to defund PBS because they are sick of putting up with liberal elitists like Elmo.  I guess Mitt Romney won the debate in the mind of everyone who doesn’t use politifact. Romney did say we are all children of God but forgot to include that that God lives on Kolob and he plans on funding NASA to find Kolob.

Madonna said she would strip naked if Obama won re-election which means that Romney will win because no one wants to see Madonna naked these days.

Pop stars are people we look to when we want to hear generic music or laugh at how they waste all their money and their lives on a crystal meth or Faberge egg collection.  It doesn’t matter how these people vote.

I don’t know about you but I think people sound friendlier when they speak with this alleged Wisconsin accent.

OK I’ll admit it.  I don’t know much about college football and just cheer for the girl on the trombone or playing it.

I think the reason I don’t get many girls is because to break the ice I slap their asses.

If you watch The Matrix backwards it still makes no sense.

I was watching The Simpsons and they kept playing that Carpenters song “Why do birds suddenly appear every time that you’re near?”  Well if a girl is asking that of me it’s because they birds are vultures and I’m dead on the inside.  Also was anyone else creeped out by Homer’s threesome with the two demons?

Since Mike and Ike broke up I have no hope for a relationship for myself.  But then I experience the awesomest thing ever, I fall for people that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in being with. It is seriously the best.

You know it’s pretty funny how the American Idol judges threaten violence against each other and still no one really cares about the show.  But then I’m starting to think that Honey Boo Boo is more tolerable than American Idol at this point.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

I got a sub from Subway and it had onions in it, and a button, and some glitter.  I hate it when those sandwich artists take artistic license.

Contrary to popular belief “bloody Hell” only refers to the west side of the underworld.  The eastern part of Hell is called Crip Hell.

Pick-up lines destined not to work: “Yeah baby, I didn’t misspell 'come' as 'cum' on purpose.  You know what’s up.”  “You make my penis erect.”  “I think I left a blowjob at your house, can I come over and get it?”  “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.” “Your legs are like Oreos, I want to split them open and lick what’s in the middle.”  “I want to Hillbilly Handfish you.”  “I’m silently staring at the floor because I like you.”  “You’re a beautiful girl like a diamond in the rough and by diamond I mean corn chip and by rough I mean underneath a couch cushion.”

I’m not above dating tall girls.

I think for Halloween I’m going to be myself which will be for the first time ever.

So many girls try to drink me under the table but the smartest girl I ever met drank me into buying her nice things and then once the money was gone she left me.

Back in the 90s it took me over a minute to get a bra off but now I can get her off in under a minute. I guess that’s called progress.

I tend to watch out for women that want to have sex with the lights on.  That sort of confidence scares me.

I got a GPS and the voice was a female.  I took it back to the store for a cash refund because she kept telling me to pull over and ask for directions.

The reason you got all those horrible class photos in elementary school was preparation for the horrible driver’s license photos you get as an adult.

Rhea Pearlman and Danny Devito are splitting up after being together for 41 years thus ending the shortest marriage in Hollywood. No word as to what caused the divorce but I’m sure it was a lot of little things.  I also heard she has developed a fear of penguins.  She’s also smart to get out now while she still has her looks.

I’ve got huge feet. You know what that means, ladies? I look like a fucking clown.

I have food poisoning and I’m at the stage where I’m bargaining with God saying I’ll never eat again if he keeps me alive.

I don’t want to watch a 59 year old Hulk Hogan wrestle so why would I want to watch him have sex?

It’s cute when your daughter pretends to be a cat at age three and crawls on the floor and meows but it’s not cute when she’s 18 and crawling on a dance floor shoving her ass into strangers’ faces.

Now that Will Smith has kids does this mean he just doesn’t understand?

Looper would’ve been better if they used Breckin Meyer and Bill Maher instead of Joseph Gordon Levitt and Bruce Willis.

The best part of erectile dysfunction is that you don’t have to wait to urinate in the morning after you wake up.

I am quite envious of Marlee Matlin.  She’s won an Oscar and never heard Justin Bieber’s music.

You can turn any pair of jeans into skinny jeans by eating regularly at McDonald’s.

I hate double standards between men and women.  Why is it that when a man has sex with a lot of women he’s considered a player but when a woman does she’s considered a lesbian?

I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

When I get a laptop I’m pretty sure Xanga will the longest time I’ve spent with strangers in a bathroom.

Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.  Have a great...eh, I'll finish it later.

OK, class, I'm in a poor mood due to the Packers game.  I graded your last assignment and you get a B.  I should never grade assignments while watching football but those replacement refs sucking dong.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
    

B.  
   
What are your powers?  Are you a hero or a villain?  How awesome are you?

C.
   

Make sure you answer two questions.  You can answer three for extra credit.  Also make sure you answer the questions underneath the picture in question B.

Get to work.

A.  While not actually President at the time, I would love to have seen Teddy Roosevelt’s October 14, 1912 speech in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which he gave shortly after taking a bullet in the chest in an assassination attempt.  I mean, the line “Don’t you pity me.  I am all right.  I am all right, and you cannot escape listening to my speech either…” now that’s memorable.  Also, “…fortunately I had my manuscript, so you see I was going to make a long speech, and there is a bullet - there is where the bullet when through - and it probably saved me from it going into my heart.  The bullet is in me now, so that I cannot make a very long, speech, but I will try my best.”  How badass is that?

B.I have a black t-shirt with a huge pint of Guinness on it and it says "Size Matters" so my superpower is that I can make myself any size I want.  I can elongate like Apache Chief.  However I can't make myself bigger in the one place that matters.

C.  Take the Skinheads Bowling Next to Hitler

So tonight was interesting.  I wanted to stay home and just relax because this week has been rather trying.  I get a message from my parents asking me to go out to supper and then shopping at Walmart because they need me to carry everything for them and help them shop for new phones for their house.  Alright so I decide to go.  I'm riding with my parents and we stop at my aunt's house a town over and my dad shuts off the car and they get out.  I had to ride in the back of a minivan.  I will never own one of them.  There is no leg room, only if you take out the middle seat.  Anyway we eat at a Chinese restaurant and this lady is there making sushi.  I thought I should try some because I haven't had sushi in a long time and the last time I made it it was a joke.  I take a few pieces and was told that they were called California rolls and had avocado and cobra meat.  Apparently "cobra" and "crab" are the same word.  I eat the first piece and it's good.  I go for the second piece and something didn't set right.  What is this rubbery taste?  It was difficult to swallow.  Hmmm...something's not right.  Let me get some garlic chicken.  Why am I itching?  Shit there was shrimp in that sushi.  Yeah, I go into an allergic reaction and my arms are breaking out in hives like mad.  My stomach starts itching.  My throat starts itching.  Shit.  Well I'm back to normal after about 5 hours, just sneezing like mad.  I also like to see that I'm up to 3 people now who have created Xanga accounts after seeing something they didn't like on my page.  Apparently someone's brother was the recipient of a Hamburger Helper tattoo and they didn't like that I said it was "terrible".  You're welcome, Xanga Team.  I think that calls for some massive promotion of my site.  Now it's time for the round up.

This is Tiffany Darwish.  She's probably best known as Tiffany.  She was a pop singer who had a huge hit with a cover of Tommy James and the Shondells' song "I Think We're Alone Now".  Tiffany turned 42 this week.  This is from her Playboy spread in 2002 when she was trying to shed the teen pop star image.  Mission accomplish and Tiffany, I am currently saluting you.  I remember when that song came out and she went on all the mall tours.  I always pictured going to the mall to see her and somehow I'd rescue her from something and then she'd fall in love with me and we'd go on dates to the arcade where we'd play skeeball and I win her a huge teddy bear and then we'd go to the ice cream shop and we'd share a milkshake and then we'd walk back to her tour bus and I'd hold her hand and then she'd kiss me on the cheek.  God...I was so naive but I was realistic.  The only way I could get a girl to fall in love with me is by saving her life.

Sting or Gordon Sumner turned 61 this week.  He's probably best known for his music with The Police and his solo career.  Well maybe that's all he's known for.  He is a sometimes actor and this was from his role in Dune.  You know he's also into tantric sex which is a sex method of making love for long periods of time or something like that.  Since he's 61 and practices tantric sex I think that means he's been having sex for about 20 years of his life.  Oh and how is this for equality @leaflesstree ?

Drummer of Motley Crue and Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee, turned 50 this week.  How's this @leaflesstree ?  I was going to post a photo from his most famous or is it infamous work but I didn't want to shame myself or have female readers faint at the sight of his drumstick.

Former baseball player, Mark McGwire, turned 49 this week.  He is probably one of the biggest poster boys for the steroid era of Major League Baseball.  I was a fan of his when he played for the Oakland A's.  But after he left the game he became a pariah mostly because of the allegations to steroid use.  Even when he played he was hated.  I remember the 1999 season when he was battling Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs for the home run crown.  McGwire hit 66 home runs and Sosa ended with 63.  When I was working in the tourist trap, a person wearing a Sosa jersey was browsing the store and I had on the radio and they were reporting about the baseball scores and it turned out McGwire hit a home run that day and the Cubs fan was disgusted and said, "I can't stand Mark McGwire.  Sammy Sosa is such a better player.  I hope McGwire dies."  The previous record was set in 1961 by Roger Maris.  I still feel that Maris holds that record because McGwire and Barry Bonds have tainted the record with their links to steroid abuse.  Oh and here is McGwire's rookie card and here is a recent photo of McGwire as a coach.  Some big changes there.

Singer and bassist Les Claypool turned 49 this week.  Claypool is probably most famous for his work with the band Primus but I should let @unstoppable_inner_strength write more about Claypool.  I enjoy the albums Pork Soda and Tales from the Punch Bowl.  I remember playing Pork Soda so much in my final year of grade school and into my years of high school.  Also if any of you have seen South Park you have heard Claypool's skills.  He sings and plays the South Park theme song.  He is such a talented bassist and I probably am not doing him justice.

Ian McShane turned 70 this week.  McShane is behind one of my favorite TV characters, Al Swearengen from the show Deadwood.  I absolutely love that show and McShane was brilliant.  He has been in many other films including one of my favorites, Sexy Beast.  A few years ago I did reviews of every episode of Freaks and Geeks.  I've been thinking about doing the same for Deadwood but I don't know if people would be interested.  If you haven't seen it, I don't know if I should recommend it because it's rather rough plus you'll never be able to look at Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec in the same way ever again.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how those crazy kids over at the 4chan got together and voted in a contest that would see Taylor Swift give a free concert at the school with the most votes.  They voted for the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Allston, Massachusetts.  Well the school received the most votes but there was a clause that said Taylor could refuse to play a concert.  The school was disqualified after Taylor and Papa John's got together and determined that the school received votes in an unfair manner.  But because Taylor is so sweet she'd give anyone who comes into contact with her diabetes, she donated $10,000 to the school and other sponsors of the concert donated $40,000 and each student will receive tickets to a future Taylor Swift concert when she comes near their town.  The internet's trolling pays off again. Everybody wins. Taylor wins, because she looks like a damn saint. And the kids really win, because their school got $50,000, they don't have to sit through a Taylor Swift show in their cafeteria and they got tickets they can sell on Craigslist.

Sofia Vergara was in New York City promoting her new clothing line.  I have no clue what she's selling but I see her promoting underwear in that photo.  GENIUS!  I don't normally wear women's underwear but Sofia has convinced me to but ten pair.  I really enjoy when Sofia talks about her boobs and I wrote about it last week.  Well this week she had more to say.  I guess because they are so big or something.  I'm no scientist.  I went to Lutheran school.  She said this in the October issue of Lucky Magazine: "I know [my breasts] have opened doors for me; let's be real. But I so hate when I see Gisele and she is wearing a tiny little tank top with no bra, like, 'Oh, I just threw this on. I look so cute.' If I wore that, I would look like I was pregnant or a fat stripper."  Oh, Sofia, you own the most perfect pair of 32F breasts in the world so please don't slap God in the face by saying you don't want them.  Do you think that Gisele looks at her mediocre tits and says, "I'm sure happy that I don't have enormous, delicious, scrumptious, drool-inducing hooters like Sofia Vergara"? No, she doesn't.  She probably wishes she didn't look like a 12 year old boy but then Tom Brady might leave her if she didn't.  Trust me when I tell you that if you looked like a fat stripper, the "fat stripper look" would be next summer's hot fashion trend. Trust me, I've stared at your boobs for so long that I'm starting to see the future.  They call me Knockerdumbass

Snoop Dogg, and I refuse to call him Snoop Lion because it makes no fucking sense, posted a list of why he is not voting for Mitt Romney and why he is voting for Barack Obama.  I think this should be a Xanga challenge to all decided voters.  You post ten reasons why you're voting for a specific candidate and ten reasons why you're not voting for the other guy.  Anyway I'm pretty sure that we could narrow down the reasons to vote for Obama to two, Michelle has a fine ass and Barack smokes Newports.  I also lost it at #3...Bitch got a dancing horse

Seth MacFarlane, the guy who brings us Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, and Ted, is going to host the 85th Academy Awards.  The show's producers had a press release and said why they picked MacFarlane: "We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh.  He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him."  I wonder how many semen jokes will be in this installment of The Oscars.  I have a feeling the people who picked him have never seen an episode of Family Guy and they heard his solo serious singing album and thought he was a swell lad.  I think I will definitely watch this because it will either be the best performance ever or it will be the greatest train wreck ever...wait...nothing can be worse than last year having James Franco, who was high as a kite, and Anne Hathaway hosting.  That was beyond awful.

Selena Gomez got a neck tattoo this week.  I have no clue what it stands for but she claims it's a tribute to her family.  The tattoo artist said that Selena was scared of the possible pain and held a friend's hand the entire time.  She is turning into such a rebel.  I bet pretty soon we'll see her smoking, having unprotected sex, and voting Republican.

Selena Gomez's boyfriend, Justin Bieber had a bad week.  During a concert in Glendale, Arizona, Bieber came out on stage and started singing and puked on stage.  Here's the video.  Either he's lip-synching those songs or he trained his butthole how to sing.  In other news, Usher has started reading, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but I'm not sure that's related.  After the concert Bieber tweeted "Milk was a bad choice".  Yeah because all that creamy substance isn't good on the vocal chords and it just coats them making it harder to sing.  So either he's knocked up or he's a performance artist and is giving an artistic interpretation of his songs or a woman in the front row flashed him.  Damn, I've never wanted to be a roadie for Justin Bieber as bad as I do right now. Do you know how much authentic Justin Bieber throw up is going for right now on eBay? On a $/ounce basis, more than gold.

OK so by now I'm sure most of you have heard about the news anchor from my neck of the woods who gave the response to an email on the news.  Well I think the biggest thing that has blown my mind is that her brother is actor Ron Livingston.  All these years of watching her in the morning while I get ready and she never mentioned that they were related.  I was just shocked but maybe that's because Livingston was in one of my other favorite TV shows, Band of Brothers.  He had this to say about his sister: "My sister Jennifer is an Emmy winning journalist and mother of three amazing girls.  She brings an exceptional dedication to her job, her family, and her community, and has been a role model of mine for many, many years. I'm extremely proud of her."  My mind is still blown and then I find out her husband is the night news anchor.  They really are bad at reporting at WKBT but then they are good about telling me that the golden keg was tapped at Oktoberfest.

Dang ol' Miley Cyrus is gonna be in a movie picture show.  Hot dang!  Well she's trying to make us forget that LOL movie and she's in talks with Lifetime and History Channel to play the female lead in a miniseries about Bonnie and Clyde.  This will be a first for the two A&E networks, airing and sharing the same shows at the same time slot.  But then appearing on Lifetime these days is the equivalent of appearing on Love Boat back in the day.  It's just something every flavor of the month celebrity does.  But I guess it is just one step closer to showing her lady bits on Skinemax and also to remind her fiance Liam Hemsworth that she wears the pants in the family.

Last weekend was a bad one for Lindsay Lohan.  She claims she was assaulted.  A man named Christian Laballa was arrested for allegedly choking Lindsay in her hotel room in Manhattan.  Lindsay met him at a club and then brought him back to her room to party with her and her friends.  She probably thought they'd have some laughs and have some drinks, snort some lines of coke off his dong and everything would be just peachy but he tried to take a photo of her with his phone.  She grabbed his phone and threw it to the ground.  He then supposedly grabbed her, choked her, and then threw Lindsay to the ground.  There's no word as to what sort of pictures he was taking but I bet they involved a naked Lindsay.  After he was taken in and NYPD investigated, they released him and dropped all charges.  I'm still not really sure what happened here, but my only guess if that law enforcement saw "Lindsay Lohan" and their first instinct was to drop all charges.  This guy supposedly works for a Republican congressman from Illinois.  So let this be a lesson to you kids, if you want to do lines of coke with someone just do it at the club.  That's why they have toilet seats.  But this behavior from Lindsay with the phone isn't the first time she's done something like that.  I've come across other stories about how people were texting or using their phones in her presence and she came running and grabbed the phones saying they were not allowed to take photos of her.  She made her security go through the phone to look for photos in some cases.  Talk about delusional.  I hope that Lindsay is safe when she does this because I know some people out there that if you touch their phone without their permission it is on.  Also talk about non-stop action, The Avengers didn't have as much excitement as a Lindsay Lohan weekend.  Since Lindsay has been on a decade long crime spree I hear she's going to be made an honorary member of the Gambino Family but another source with loose lips tells me that the Gambinos don't want her because she brings too much heat on the family.  This week Lindsay took to Twitter to tell the world that she was bullied like anyone gives a shit.  She was watching Katie Couric's talk show and the show was discussing bullying.  I guess Katie Couric's show is perfect when you're coming down from a bender.  Here's what she tweeted: "It had me crying. I'd love to meet her. Stop bullying. I was actually bullied at my public school when I would leave to film. Whenever I came back . . . girls and boys would call me names. They would also mock me because of my home situation. When people found out that my father was in jail . . . they would yell things, try to trip me and more . . . I moved to home-schooling instead. In 11th grade. I stuck it out for a while. So I can relate to the girls that you spoke with on your show today. I appreciate you reaching out to them. XO."  THEY TRIED TO TRIP YOU?  How did you ever survive such vicious torments?  The only thing on Lindsay that gets bullied is the back of her throat when she doesn't have enough money to pay for her drugs.

A while back, Lark Voorhies, best known for her role as Lisa Turtle on Saved by the Bell, gave an interview where she was spackled with about 50 pounds of make-up.  Everyone thought that something was up with her and they were pretty much right in the assumption.  Some thought that she was on drugs but her mother cleared it up this week with People magazine.  She claims that Lark suffers from bipolar disorder.  Lark's mom claims that she takes the medicine but won't seek other treatment.  She also says that Lark was spurred by several traumatic experiences in her life that caused her to have mental breakdowns and that her divorce in 2001 and her career after Saved by the Bell not going anywhere didn't help matters.  Well none of those people really did much after Saved by the Bell.  Maybe Zach had the most work and Screech and Jessie had the most press because of their work and shenanigans.  Lark now lives with her mother and doesn't have any friends and doesn't leave the house.  Hmmm I think she needs a buddy band.  People also tried to interview Lark but during the first interview she'd stop mid-sentence and stare blankly into space and then mumble incoherently.  In the second interview Lark claims they caught her in a moment of prayer because she's a spiritual person and that voices talk to her in her head but the doctors can't make them go away.  This is pretty sad.  I blame Screech.

Lady Gaga, Donatella Versace, and a dog made a public appearance and I don't know which is which.  In other news, it looks like the Nelson reunion tour is in full swing.

This is a still shot of Kristen Stewart from her new movie "On the Road".  Yep, she's topless with Garrett Hedlund and Sam Riley in that automobile.  I have criticized her numerous times on this site for not showing any emotion.  I guess all it took was to shed the clothes to get her to smile.  Maybe she should be topless more often in her movies.

Who knew escaping from a cult could feel so liberating?  Well Katie Holmes does now.  People close to Katie are saying she is happier than she's been in years.  She isn't dating but is focusing on her career and her daughter Suri.  She is also making new friends.  Hey, Katie, I'd like to be your friend.  It must be a breath of fresh to be out from under the tiny thumb of a tiny placenta eater and barley water drinker.  But if Suri is now free from the fog of Scientology, who will teach her to jump on a couch like a raving mad lunatic?  Sure, she'll get to see him two weekends a month and on a rotating basis for holidays but she'll need her father if she wants to have complete psychotic breakdown by age 16 or as L. Ron Hubbard calls it, a Thetan Xenubat Mitzvah.

Jessica Simpson's boyfriend Eric Johnson is supposedly cheating on her with his ex-wife.  When his marriage started going down the drain and before he was divorced but just on a break from his wife Keri is when he found Jessica and hit the gold digging lottery.  Sources close to the couple say that even though he's divorced and dating Jessica, he routinely goes to see his ex-wife for sex.  I can't tell if this is that evil shit women do by saying "Oh he's cheating on you gurlfriend" or Eric Johnson is banging two women at once.  Because the story sounds true, but I know that all men do not like having sex with two women at once. We never think of it. From the day we're born, all we dream about is our wedding and the opportunity to spend the rest of our lives with one woman. Sex is an emotional act for us and it would be hard for us to share our feelings and our precious gift with more than one woman at a time. Dating is sacred and as soon as we commit to a woman, no other woman exists. We would never put ourselves in any situation where we could potentially have multiple women on rotation. Quite frankly, the more I think about it, the more I find this whole allegation disgusting. How long will men have to be tortured?  Our bodies, our choice!

I wrote about this quite a while ago but there was a Hulk Hogan sex tape on the market.  No, that was not the other person on the tape.  When the tape was first made public knowledge months ago, Hogan admitted that he didn't know who his co-star was because it was happening at a horrible time in his life when he was going through a divorce and contemplating suicide.  Well the people at Gawker think that the co-star is the former wife of Hogan's best friend Bubba the Love Sponge.  Hulk also claims he was secretly taped and it's true because the tape looks like was shot on a gas station security camera.  The tape is rather grainy but there are three things I noticed but shouldn't have.  Hogan has a blinding white ass to match his hair.  He gets a phone call while they are having sex and the ringtone is song by his daughter Brooke.  Then finally, I thought that the side effects of steroid were said to shrink the genitals.  And I took my steroid and I watched my junk shrink...sigh...sorry.  I'm polite just like the Hulkster.  He says "thank you" after they finish.  So what'chu gonna do when you want the Hulkster to...I'll stop there and just link to the video on Gawker.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  Did anyone see South Park this week?  Holy shit!  It came true!  America's answer to Rene Descartes, Honey Boo Boo, whose whole philosophy on life is encapsulated in the phrase "a dolla makes me holla" will continue to be on a network incorrectly named The Learning Channel.  Honey Boo Boo and Mama June and Cousin Skeeter and Bubba Home Fries and Dirtbag Martini and Pork Rinds Pee Pee will be on TLC for more episodes and they will be getting PAID!  Sources are saying that they will make anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 per episode.  Currently they make $5,000 per episode.  That still is a lot of cheeseballs and s'getti.  At least money isn't spoiling them because TLC offered to move the family to a more secure house but they refused because why would you want to move when you live next to a gas station that sells canned cheese and slushies.  Hey, I live a block from my gas station and can't get enough donuts.  They are also trying to push her into sitcoms but she's refusing because she doesn't want to leave her family.  Good for her.  I know I mock the reality but Mama June needs to knock some sense into Pimp Mama Kris Jenner who whores out her children on TV for a fast buck. 

Hillary Clinton appeared somewhere with Christina Aguilera and she was caught sneaking a peek.  Don't pretend you wouldn't if you were face to face with those massive chesticles.  I bet Hillary is thinking, "If I only had a cigar right about now."  She's also planning on running for president in 2016 but for now she's seeking to become the Minister of Motorboating.

From 1998 to 2002, Christina Aguilera was the hyper-sexualized pop singer with the strong voice, and she didn't pass up any up opportunity to get as close to naked as possible. Then she got pregnant and started eating for two and she had a hard time quitting eating for two after she had the baby.  She had this to say: "During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl. I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl. The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings!  Let me tell you, that wasn't an easy pill for them to swallow. I had gained about 15 pounds during promotion and during my Stripped tour. They called this serious emergency meeting about how there was a lot of backlash about my weight. Basically, they told me I would effect a lot of people if I gained weight -- the production, musical directors.  I told them during this Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.' They need a reminder sometimes that I don't belong to them. It's my body.  My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore—my body is just not on the table that way anymore."  In all honesty, I sort of like her look better now than when she was that skinny, blue-eyed white girl.  But I think in her case, if she really wanted to lose weight she'd have to put down the booze bottle but if she's like me I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Doritos than being starving with rock hard abs.

Remember when Heidi Montag was one of the most popular reality show stars?  Remember when I wrote about her almost every week?  Remember when her and her fiance Spencer Pratt were the most hated people on TV?  Well I guess they never recovered and now Heidi has gotten to the point where I could probably buy her services for the price of a mid-range SUV but without the extended warranty for breast inflation and rotation.  Apparently, Heidi is now making appearances at strip clubs for prices cheaper than her left breast implant.  For $25,000 she has agreed to appear at the Crazy Horse III strip club with her G-cup boobs however she will not be getting naked.  I guess this means that patrons will only get to throw money at her clothed and unfamous boobs.  I'd take a roll of nickels.  I guess it's just one step closer to porn like her and most every other reality show asshole.  And to make another point, it was a slow week for celebrity news since I'm writing about Heidi Montag.

There was speculation this summer that Drew Barrymore was expecting a baby but she never admitted to it.  Let's just pretend she didn't know she had come down with a case of babyitis and she plans on helping TLC reboot "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  Drew gave birth to a baby girl this week.  The baby was named Olive Barrymore Kopelman.  Olive...hmmm...I know Drew is a hippie and she named her film company Flower Films so I was expecting something like Pansy Silvermist or Daffodil Babybreath or something that sounds like a potpourri from Pottery Barn.

Here's someone you probably never expected to wind up on the round-up ever again.  Danny Bonaduce had quite a scare this week.  When people scoff at the thought of a zombie apocalypse, Danny Bonaduce will be the first one to say that it's real since this week he was bitten by a crazed fan.  Danny was at a meet and greet at a casino in Bow, Washington.  A female fan asked if she could kiss him on the cheek and Danny obliged.  Then the woman went in for the kill and she sank her teeth into his cheek.  Usually Danny is drunk and coked up so he can't feel anything but he said he felt things pop so I guess she must've bit him really hard.  Security had to pull the woman off and she was arrested but Danny didn't want to press charges.  He was given antibiotics but he doesn't know if he's a zombie yet.  Zombies usually foam at the mouth, stumble around, walk into walls, and lose all communication abilities and since Danny already acts like that we may never know if he becomes a zombie. 

Remember a few years ago when Britney Spears was led on a path of destruction by a manager named Sam Lufti?  I do because those were the days we'll probably remember Britney most for.  She was bat shit crazy.  Well Sam Lufti is still tying to sue the Spears clan for breach of contract and he's still trying to lure Britney back to his management.  And this is why Jamie Spears and Jason Trawick monitor Britney's computer and cellphone.  I'm pretty sure when she wants to make a phone call they hand her an empty soup can with a string attached to it and when she wants to use the internet they give her one of those fake plastic laptops from the IKEA showroom.  A source close to the family says that Jason and Britney share a phone so he monitors every phone call and if something seems fishy he investigates and blocks numbers.  Jamie and Jason also block websites that she might visit that might upset her because they say negative things about her.  Damn, I guess this means Britney's never read my site.  The cellphone doesn't bother me since I'm getting so many spam texts and phone calls but the internet would piss me off.  One of the best parts of being an adult is to look at porn without worrying about going around blockers and filters.  So keep in mind that as you read this a 30 year old Britney Spears, who made $58million last year, can't use the internet without parental controls activated.  Oh well, it's not like she really knows what's going on.  I watched the premier of The X-Factor and I'm pretty sure they could've had a live child abduction and Britney would've clapped.

Wilford Brimley turned 78 this week.  He celebrated by scowling at people and lecturing them about home delivered diabetus supplies.  He also shot a cake for trying to tempt him to break his diabetus numbers.  I decided to end with this "story" because it's Wilford Brimley and he looks like a badass.  He is saying, "DIABETUS!  And if you don't recommend this post, I'll kick your ass and poke you with diabetus supplies."

Sorry for the lack of "news" and just coverage of birthdays.  It seems like the celebrities are getting smarter about doing stupid shit or those that do stupid shit I don't give a shit about.  Also I'm sorry about getting all emo a few days ago.  I guess I've been having problems with this site.  I seem to be putting way more into it than I'm getting out but then I imagine everyone thinks that from time to time.  I think Xanga is really down right now.  It may be kids off at school or it might be that someone who had multiple accounts finally left for good.  I'm just having issues with everything.  Fucking shrimp.  Can you believe someone that considers himself strong and masculine can be felled by something as small as a shrimp and a strawberry?  I used to love both but now I could possibly die but then I guess there are people out there who are worse off.

Have a great weekend.

It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

I can tell when people are mocking me for buying As Seen on TV products thanks in part to my Whisper 2000.

I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

I always wonder if the reason I don’t get good cell phone service is because my cell phone doesn’t wear a shirt or shoes.

I bet continental breakfasts were pretty awesome before Pangaea broke up.

I adopted a dog this week. It’s pretty confusing because it has the same name as my girlfriend.  My house is just so awkward with two bitches named Precious on all fours waiting for my approval.  HAHAHAHA…no one could ever love me.

It’s amazing how songs can take you back to memories from your youth.  Like the other day I heard“Love Shack” by the B52s and that took me back to the time I had sex with my neighbor in her family’s storage shed behind their house.  I also heard “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum and remembered the time her and I had sex in a train car at the old train depot.  Then I heard “Touch Myself” by The Diviynls and remembered how I didn’t have sex with her but masturbated to those thoughts.  Ah…the power of music!

I’m trying to find a way to get celebrities to notice me that doesn’t involve me being a stalker or having a terminal illness.  I like being friends with the local news anchors but I need something bigger.

What is the point of blurring out a middle finger on TV?  It’s not like I don’t know what it is.  Could it be a finger or a giraffe?  Or an ice cream cone?  Or Adam West?

I just want to eat whipped cream off Christina Hendricks' chest.  Is there a way I can get Make a Wish to make this happen?

Any girl out there want to role play “The Green Mile”?  I’ll be Tom Hanks character and you be John Coffey.  OK, so it’s just an elaborate attempt to get you to touch my junk.

I guess being ugly isn’t so bad.  Girls will have sex with ugly guys if they have a good personality and guys will screw ugly girls because guys will screw anything.

Today I head Soundgarden on the classic rock radio station.  I then disappeared just like Yoda did.

I’m watching episodes of Breaking Bad, The Wire, Sons of Anarchy, Walking Dead, Deadwood, Rome,and The Shield every single night of the week. I feel like I’m the biggest badass in the history of the world.

I’m pretty sure illegally downloading music is a gateway to meth.

I feel like I saved humanity ever since I signed an online petition asking NBC to bring back Friday Night Lights.

I think Mumford and Sons is one of the best bands out there today.  They took one song and turned it into two albums.

I can’t believe people fly the rebel flag.  You’re displaying that you support the losing side of the wrongest war in history.

Whenever I hear someone say they are a foodie, I imagine that they enjoy rubbing food all over their genitals.

Isn’t it weird that sleeping can get in the way of your dreams?

I look like Ryan Gosling if he ate three Ryan Goslings smothered in cheese.

If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie it’s not amore because the moon is fucking huge and would probably kill you.

In this election cycle I can’t believe no one is talking about all the free housing we give birds. Why don’t they have to buy houses or rent like the rest of us schlubs?  The avian welfare stops now!

My mom said all my pretending would never get me anywhere.  The joke’s on her because I pretend to be an adult and I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

You know you’re getting old if you look at your porn and naughty time toy collection and wonder if you should just put it all in storage.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I may be delusional but every single person that’s ever met me loves me.

I just want to be held…against my will…by sex-starved amazons.

My uncle Dave would’ve been 65 yesterday but he was born on October 1, 1941 so he’s actually 71.

Birthdays are a good way to find out how many of your Facebook friends you’ve never heard of before. I was pissed because no one wished me a happy birthday yesterday even though it wasn’t my birthday.

If I ever get married, my wedding ring will have a built in bottle opener.

No news about Huey Lewis and the News is bad news.

Do thermometers have to go to college so they can display degrees?

People think it’s bad that America is the fattest nation in the world.  I’d rather be the fattest nation than having the most donkey shows per capita or most horse meat markets.

Seth McFarlane is to white people as Tyler Perry is to black people.

I’m pretty sure that Aaron Rodgers has been hit with so many sacks this year that Rick Santorum’s chin is getting jealous.

Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

Pick-up line sure to fail: My herpes are in remission.

I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

I hear McDonald’s is bringing back their Monopoly game.  It looks like I’ll have a 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize or obesity or type 2 diabetes or explosive diarrhea.

Whenever there’s a gap in my posting on Xanga I’m usually doing something really cool like listening to my wine bubble and pop because it’s still fermenting.

I hope the hell the doctor doesn’t put me on Viagra for any medical problems.  What the hell am I going to do with a boner?

I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

#I #don’t #understand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga

I’m having a Xanga meet-up on this post because I’m cheap and need eprops.  Rec and comment if you want to join the meet up.

I never get dirty emails here on Xanga.  This is how I know I’m doing Xanga correctly.

The secret to losing followers on Xanga is to be yourself.

Ugh

Kat Dennings was at the Emmys and I'm not clear if she won anything but given that dress the real winners are us.  I don't know if she has any Emmys but I do know she has some Golden Globes.  Groan all you want, you knew I was going to make that joke.

Christina Hendricks was at the Emmys and in what some people are calling a shocker, Mad Men didn't win any awards but of course we have to remember that the Emmys have nothing to do with talent which would explain why Jon Cryer won an Emmy this year for best male lead in a comedy.

I often talk about what magnificent chichis(hmmm Magnificent Chichis...that could be a good porno parody) Sofia Vergara has but right before the Emmys she posted this photo on Twitter and her website.  Her nalgas couldn't be contained by that dress.  She split her dress because her ass is so jealous of all the attention her chest gets.  Every guy in a two mile radius stared and that's every guy, both gay and straight.  Her ass is so nice it crosses sexual orientation boundaries.  Not to turn this into a political post, but we really need to take a look at immigration reform. Specifically, any chick who has ever appeared on Univision should be granted full citizenship.  And I suppose we can't avoid talk of her chest.  She was on Katie Couric's show this week and revealed that she is a 32F.  Her publicist has advised her to have breast reduction surgery so she can land more roles.  Hey, she's doing just fine on Modern Family and The Three Stooges movies.  Sofia had this to say, "I'm very proud of my body and the way I look. I would be ungrateful to be saying, 'Oh, I'm so mad because people just look at me and see my pretty face. I thank God for what he has given me and I take advantage of it.  (My mom said), 'God is going to punish you, you can't chop your boobs out. It's crazy. All the women are risking their life to get boobs.' So I didn't do it."  Sofia's rack is why we have peace on earth.  For the past decade and a half, millions of men and women all over the world have learned Spanish or found Univision on their cable all so they could stare at Sofia's chest.  If North, Central, and South America can put aside all our differences by staring at her chest for a few minutes a day, imagine what we could do in the Middle East?  Now that is change I can believe in.

Olivia Munn showed up at the Emmys and an HBO after party.  She was originally wearing a huge spotlight with sirens and an arrow pointing at her.  Gosh I like her but alas it will not be because at the HBO party she was spotted canoodling with Alexander Skarsgard.  They were seen whispering to each other and were inseparable.  I could go on and on about Skarsgard but I won't because he's not banging your average Hollywood skank here.  Olivia Munn is one of godfatherofgreenbay's favorites.  That is some USDA choice beef he's fileting.  I guess that means he's trying to upgrade his profile.  Now if he nails Minka Kelly, Octomom, or certain Xangans then we all know he's been reading my diary.  I guess it's time I start using the lock on it.

Tina Fey was channeling her inner Audrey Hepburn for the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  I thought of posting this for Caturday but I'm writing this on caturday because I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown.  You know it's awesome when you think about someone you once loved and they are no longer here and you picture them so full of life and loving you and it feels like a knife through your heart.  Anyway...Tina talked about this being the last season of 30 Rock.  I think they have monkeys programming NBC because they are saying goodbye to two of their best shows this year, 30 Rock and The Office.  She said this, "I think it will be hard. I would love to get another TV show on the air someday."  Tina also talked about her movie Date Night because I guess that hasn't gotten enough publicity: "I liked the opportunity to play a person who was married as opposed to a rapidly decaying woman going on dates."  Sigh.  No joke...next.

There's this site called MyEx.com that combines celebrity gossip with stories about people's exes.  There's also a few nude pics and what not but you know I'm an awful pervert by now.  Anyway, Snooki's ex, Jeff Miranda, found that site and he had some interesting things to say about Snooki: "Well where to begin. Here is a start, my ex gf the snookster doesnt believe in showers and likes to wear the same cloth for days. While we were together during the filming of jersey shore season 3, she barely changed her underwear. And left the same tampon in for days!!!! Gross i Know. Even on episode 6 of season 3 you see her tampon string hanging out between her legs, talk about class right!!! I also remember walking down the seaside boardwalk with her to get on the sky ride while we had hundreds of fans flock us, and this poor little girl who was sick, her mom said that all she wanted was for snooki to say hi to her, guess what my POS ex gf did, nothing, what she did do, was turn away and look at me and say " ughh, i cant stand these people!! " What a total bitch, isnt even grateful for the people who made her what she is today!!! She isnt the little sweetheart everyone thinks she is!!! I am calling you out snooki!!! Just because your all famous now doesnt mean shit!!! Im on a reality show as well and know how to respect and show love to all my fans. you should learn the same!!! Shame on fucking you!!!"  Keep in mind she named her baby Lorenzo.  It's just a shame that the citizens of New Jersey will have to wait about 20 years for the Toxic Shock Avenger to protect them.

Serena Williams turned 31 this week.  She is such a great tenniser.  I really like when she passes the tennis ball to the other player and scores a hole in one to break par and roll a 300 perfect game.  I know nothing of tennis other than love, like in real life, is bad.  I just like her because at times she defies gravity.

You know, I have conflicts when posting photos of Selena Gomez.  In some she looks so great and in others, like this one, she looks like an overdeveloped 14 year old even though she's 20.  I guess it's fitting she's dating Justin Bieber.  They both look like they need to be put down for a nap because they threw a temper tantrum after being put in time-out for coloring on the walls with markers.

Reese Witherspoon is a fan of Arrested Development...not the TV show.  She gave birth to a baby boy this week.  This is Reese's first child with her new husband Jim Toth.  She had two children from her previous marriage with Ryan Phillippe.  Those kids are named Ava and Deacon.  Well Reese didn't want to stick with the plan of giving all her children names that make them sound like the biggest tattle-tales in class.  She named her new son Tennessee James Toth.  So I bet the kid was conceived listening to the song Tennessee by Arrested Development.  It's either that or she named him after her two favorite alcoholic beverages, Tennessee = where they make Jack Daniels whiskey and James as in Bartles & James winecoolers.  All I know is that kid is going to have an awesome future as a relic hunter...Tennessee James. 

Paris Hilton is taking a vacation from whatever the hell it is she does with her 168 hours of free time each week.  She is currently vacationing in Maui and this is a shot of her ziplining with her new boyfriend.  Why can't a huge eagle or even better a rabid pterodactyl swoop in and end out nation's misery.  Of course the eagle or pterodactyl would die an excruciating death from ingesting all those diseases. 

Nicki Minaj debuted her new fragrance this week.  If you want to smell like Nicki Minaj you obviously need to rethink your life decisions.  I think I'm going to throw up now because all those clashing bright colors are nauseating.

Miley Cyrus was at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas this week and she ran into Flava Flav.  It wasn't that special about their meeting but it is what happened after.  Flava tells the camera that he was happy to meet Gwen Stefani.  He mistook Miley for Gwen Stefani.  I don't know.  I would've probably said Pink first.  Maybe Flav just thinks all white women with short platinum blonde hair look alike.  But if that was the case then he'd mistake her for Brigitte Nielsen.  My question now is, is this a compliment to Gwen Stefani that he thinks she looks half her age or a insult to Miley because she looks twice her age?

And while I'm on Miley Cyrus and I know I make fun of her I would like to be on her, that tongue...holy crap. 

I guess Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are still dating.  This week they added a new layer of slime to their relationship.  And no, it's not the matching outfits although I think couples who wear matching outfits are totally insufferable and deserve to be put in stocks, it's the Bears shirts.  God, could it get any worse than the Chicago Bears with the New York in front.  I suppose it could be worse.  They could somehow have the Cubs on the shirt.

I tend to avoid this cunt but I couldn't resist this story.  I guess since she's good at spreading her legs for rich and famous men and she got a reality show because her daughter's a porn star, Kris Jenner felt that she was priviliged and didn't need to wait in line for the new iPhone 5 this week.  A week before they hit the stores, Kris called a store at a mall in California and told the clerk to set aside 5 iPhones and she would send an assistant in to pick them up when they were released.  The clerk told her that Kris would have to come in and stand in line like everyone else.  Kris demanded to speak to a manager but all the managers refused to speak with her because setting aside iPhones wasn't a negotiating issue.  They wouldn't do it for anyone.  Well the day they released, her assistant marched into the store and said, "I'm here to pick up 5 iPhones for Kris Jenner."  A security guard told the assistant, "See that line?  Go wait in it and you will be helped."  If you're keeping up with ways the Kardashian's are miserable human beings, feel free to add this to your list. This bitch is so entitled, she'd probably try to cut in line at Auschwitz.  And if the Kardashians are using iPhones then I don't want to have any part of an iPhone.

Kathy Griffin was spotted scaring all the children in her neighborhood this week.  I don't think I'll ever sleep again.  It's like she's trying to steal my soul.  It's either that or she's showing off her Halloween costume...Carrot Top with AIDS.

Katherine McPhee showed off a very clever use for the iPad.  It hides the camel toe.  And just look, the next iPad will have a Camel Toe Shield.  Her using it as a camel toe shield is probably the only thing Apple products are good for.  Oh and I bet the Kardashians will be clamoring for that new iPad but they'd need two or three iPads to cover their camel toes since they are so massive from sleeping their way to get a reality show.

I remember a few years ago when Xanga went crazy over the topic of spanking after Kate Gosselin was photographed by paparazzi spanking one of her children in their driveway.  A reporter named Robert Hoffman says that Kate got more hardcore with her punishments.  Her children won't have to worry about writing their memoirs about being spanked because Kate kept vivid diaries of all the times she had to spank her children.  In Robert Hoffman's new book Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled the World, he uses the diaries she kept.  Somehow he got a hold of these diaries and wrote about all her punishment methods.  In one entry Kate claims to have caught one of her children eating M&Ms and she pulled him by the hair and spanked him.  She also brags about using a wooden spoon on her children and she gave said spoon the name The Spanker.  She also writes about how she was worried she may hurt the kids.  Hoffman also alleges that in one entry Kate claims to have punished her son Collin by grabbing him by the hair and throwing him hard into his crib.  Sigh...I empathize with those kids.  I know all too well about hair pulling.  At least they never had to fear a leather belt or having a college class ring being turned around so you are struck upside the head with the stone.  Damn.  I just hope that wooden spoon isn't the same one she uses to mix cake batter.  That would be unhygienic.

Last week I mentioned how there was a Kanye West sex tape being shopped.  Well this week there is ANOTHER tape being shopped and this one is supposedly twice as long.  Rumor has it that the first tape is 20 minutes long and his co-star is Kim Kardashian lookalike Mony Monn.  The co-star in the second tape is a different girl and they apparently go at it for 40 minutes.  He is now claiming that someone stole the tapes from his computer.  Do you get the idea that Kris Jenner is behind this since she was the brains behind Kim's sex tape with Ray J and then later tried to buy it when Kim wanted to be a married woman?  I bet the real reason this tape is 40 minutes long is because Kanye didn't have a mirror in the room so he could admire his face.

So I was talking to my mom the other day and she knows I like Sons of Anarchy and she was telling me that either CNN or HLN ran a story about a cast member of Sons of Anarchy that beat up two guys with a 2X4, dismembered a cat, and killed his landlady and then killed himself.  I hit the web and found that it was Johnny Lewis, age 28.  This guy was only on Sons of Anarchy for two seasons or so before his drug habits got in the way and he wanted his character to have a larger role.  Witnesses said they heard the 81 year old landlady screaming and then two men came to investigate and they were beaten by Lewis and then he climbed on top of the landlady's house and fell off.  Witnesses also said that Lewis seemed to possess superhuman strength when attacking the woman and two men.  Police say he was using PCP or meth.  Meth gives you superhuman strength?  I guess I need some so I can go as Superman for Halloween and make it authentic.  It's weird but this guy dated Katy Perry in 2005 before she shot to fame.  It's also sketchy as to what happened but police suspect that the landlady caught Lewis stealing her jewelery or she confronted him about the dead cat.  I also found out that this guy's dad is one of the higher ups in the Church of Scientology but that's either attained by spending a night with John Travolta or beating Tom Cruise in a creepy contest.  Johnny was also said to be involved with the "church" and after the story broke all photos of Johnny Lewis were removed from their website.  Apparently this guy had some bad thetans.  A church blog had Lewis in a category called "Celebrities who use Scientology and Dianetics to help them live happy and successful live".  So extreme Muslims fly planes into buildings and hate women, extreme Christians bomb abortion clinics and hate women, and extreme Scientologists are mostly just closet cases who like to file lawsuits and feed their sick kids niacin. I think L. Ron Hubbard would be proud that Johnny Miller didn't go see a psychiatrist. It's obvious that someone who tortures a cat doesn't have any psychological issues. None at all.

Heidi Klum is pissed and is suing a French magazine for posting topless photos of her even though she goes topless all the time.  I know her boobs better than those of the young woman who moved in across the street and hasn't purchased curtains yet.  Thank the lord for binoculars.  She is claiming her privacy was violated just like Kate Middleton.  The photos have surfaced on several websites showing Heidi on vacation in the south of France with her bodyguard boyfriend sans bikini top. There's just one problem it's unclear which French magazine published the original pics.  Her camp is trying to discover the original source because they claim she was on a private, secluded beach when the photos were taken.  This has to be a publicity stunt and it probably is because Project Runway isn't as popular as what it once was. 

Guy Fieri is in Florence, Italy and some tourists snapped their photo with Guy.  If you are in the birthplace of the Renaissance and the highlight of your visit was getting your photo taken with that douchebag then you are an asshole.

If you can name 8 out of 10 people in this photo then you had an awesome childhood.  If you don't know, the two old guys are the creators of Full House and then there's DJ, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, Stephanie, Uncle Joey, Kimmy Gibbler, Danny Tanner, and DJ's boyfriend Steve.  They reunited this week for shiggles.  The Olsen twins were there but you can't see them because they are so skinny.  They're hiding behind one of the leaves on that plant.  So they didn't show up, that means more coke for everyone!

These days aren't so happy for former actress on Happy Days, Erin Moran(left).  Erin played Joanie Cunningham and in this picture she's with her TV mom Marion Ross.  Currently, Erin is down and out in Indiana after being kicked out of a trailer park with her husband Steve Fleischmann.  They are currently motel hopping and draining money faster than whatever's left of Scott Baio's sanity.  Erin's path of woe started a few years ago when she was evicted from her home in California.  To save money, Erin and Steve moved into Steve's mom's trailer park.  They didn't last long in the trailer park because the other residents couldn't stand Erin and Steve's party habits so Steve's mom kicked them out.  The National Enquirer talked about how Erin got a cash settlement from CBS for merchandising rights but she has nearly drank up all that money.  They were living in a Holiday Inn for a while but the staff couldn't stand their partying so they were asked to leave.  I guess it could be worse.  I mean she could've actually married Scott Baio.  I think it's time Howard and Marion send out Richie and the Fonz to find Joanie and bring her home otherwise she may end up like Chuck. 

Dita Von Teese turned 40 this week.  Gosh that's swell...just like something on my body...my ankle you pervert.  It always swells when there is a weather change.  I should've posted this one on Caturday too.

Bruce Springsteen turned 63 this week.  I really enjoy this guy's music.  Yeah, I know, I'm probably losing music credibility with some of you but Springsteen is awesome.  I like to sing some of his songs for karaoke, especially his older stuff when it sounds like he was drunk and slurring everything.  Just listen to Born to Run.  I had an awesome Springsteen impression.  Also, the best bumpersticker I've ever seen involves him.  It said, "Your boss may be a Jewish carpenter but my Boss is a guitarist from New Jersey"

Speaking of New Jersey, Aida Turturro turned 50 this week.  Aida is best known for her role on The Sopranos and for being from the Turturro family of actors (her cousins are John and Nicholas Turturro). I loved her character on The Sopranos.  She was the true villain of that series. 

This is Margaret Pellegrini.  She turned 89 this week.  She is one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.  She had an interesting tale of how she was discovered according to wikipedia.  It's hard to imagine that there are still people alive who were in The Wizard of Oz.  I looked it up and there are only 3 remaining Munchkins and Margaret is the youngest.  The other two are Ruth Duccini (94) and Jerry Maren (92).

Kevin Sorbo turned 54 this week.  I figured I'd throw this photo in for the ladies and the Lutherans.  Kevin Sorbo may be one of the most popular WELS actors out there.

Donald Glover turned 29 this week.  Glover is one of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood.  He's a comedian, a rapper who goes by Childish Gambino, a writer for 30 Rock, and is best known for his role on Community.  He has a bright future ahead of him.

Speaking of bright futures, remember this lady?  It's Nia Vardalos.  She turned 50 this week.  She is probably best known for the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Then she just sort of faded away.  Hopefully her landing on the round-up will get her some exposure.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Remember Green Day?  Well they were at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas this past weekend and frontman Billy Joe Armstrong lost his shit.  They were playing a song called "Basket Case" when the timer on the wall flashed that they only had 1 minute left on their performance because Usher went 25 minutes over his allotted time.  Here's the video.  Now since he claims "I'm not fucking Justin Bieber" and it's a reference to Usher, I wonder if he's using "fucking" as a verb or an adjective.  Usually throwing hate at Justin Bieber is a sign of sanity but not for Billy Joe.  He is going to rehab.  Green Day also issued an apology to the festival and fans.  It comes as no surprise that he's going to rehab and they apologized.  Clear Channel hosts the iHeartRadio Festival and Clear Channel basically owns 850 radio stations in the U.S. and Green Day has a new album coming out so they figured if they didn't comply they wouldn't get any radio play.  I thought that was awful but then I realized nothing says punk rock like a middle-aged white dude getting his feelings hurt and saying "fuck" a lot after he already cashed his check from Clear Channel.  If you're singing the same shit you did in the 90's and you had your own Broadway show, save the righteous indignation for the your coke mirror. Because, I hate to break this to you, nobody gives a shit. I know I'm speculating that he is going to rehab for coke but more than likely he's going to rehab to break his addiction to eyeliner.

Legendary singer Andy Williams passed away this week at the age of 84.  Williams had 18 gold albums and 3 platinum albums and he also hosted a television variety show for 9 years.  Andy Williams will be remembered best for his song "Moon River".  I think my favorite Andy Williams reference was on The Simpsons.  Who knew the resident bully, Nelson Muntz, could be a huge Andy Williams fan?  But...boom...second encore.  Andy Williams will be missed.

Lindsay Lohan was sent to the emergency room last weekend because of an apparent asthma attack.  Sources are also saying that Lohan has not been showing up for a paying job because she claims she has walking pneumonia.  I bet she went on WebMD and looked for things that would prevent her from working when she would rather be partying.  She is also claiming that the stress from being arrested for hitting a pedestrian is weakening her lungs.  This isn't a case of walking pneumonia but it's stumbling dullard pneumonia.  You know what else might convince her body that it has a lung infection? The 12 packs of Parliaments she smokes a day.  We'll all find out I'm just making baseless claims when Dina Lohan releases a statement saying that Lindsay was a naval dockyard worker and came into contact with asbestos.  You know they watch TV too and see all those commercials of law firms looking to help people with medical problems.  Time for the Lohans to cash in.

Have a great weekend.

Well it's that time of the week again.  I keep thinking it's going to be fall and then the temperatures rise.  Today it was in the 70s but once the sun goes down it is nearly freezing and I am sitting here shivering because I need to get my furnace serviced before I start running it.  I know what will warm me up...some hotlinks.

12.  Sometimes the people in our history books did more things than what they tell us.  Here are 5 people who also brought us sexual innovations.

8.  Sesame Street kicked off it's 43rd season this week.  Here are 43 Sesame Street facts.

6.  It's amazing how people can look so much alike.  Even more, it's really amazing when celebrities look like other celebrities.  Here's a collection of musicians and their celebrity doppelgangers.

5.  I have recently gotten into Breaking Bad through the DVDs.  I'm really bad about watching shows when they actually air so it's just easier for me to watch the DVDs.  Anyway, here's a Tumblr site featuring Breaking Bad fan art.

2.  I remember when Joe Biden came to Milwaukee in 2008 for a campaign stop at Kopp's frozen custard.  Biden asked about the ice cream and a worker corrected him by saying "It's not ice cream, it's frozen custard."  Biden told the worker to quit being a smartass.  Well Joe Biden loves his ice cream and frozen custard.  Here's a Tumblr site devoted to Joe Biden eating ice cream.

7.  Here's a Tumblr site I've come to enjoy called Lucille and Mitt.  It combines Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development with actual Mitt Romney quotes.  Like the site says...rich people say the darnedest things.

4.  I don't know what to say other than here's a list of the 9 most famous prostitutes in history.

9.  There's a high school in Minneapolis called Southwest.  They have one of the most interesting afterschool clubs in all the schools in the Twin Cities.  Doesn't take a lot to amuse those students.

3.  Well the baseball regular season is coming to an end and the playoffs will soon start so I decided to share this collection of the 50 greatest caps in baseball history.

1.  I stumbled upon this article about a French designer who has rethought the beer bottle.  He made them cubed.  It looks pretty good but I hate Heineken.  That would be so much easier for stacking.

10.  I don't know who has an ereader but I know I've shared Project Gutenberg before so I'll share with you Planet Ebook.  It's a collection of 80 classic titles that are free in ebook form.

11.  And while I'm on the subject of reading, here's a collection of the libraries of 15 famous men.  One day I'll have one of those and maybe I'll be famous...HAHAHAHAHA

This is a quote from Chuck Palahniuk's novel "Fight Club".  You know when I saw this all I could think about was hitting a speed bag.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I probably saw this video way too many times.

This is a tattoo of a book cover from Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters".  That's one of his books I'd love to see made into a movie.  Hell, I'd love to see all his books made into films.

I'll pass because I'm pretty sure you've put something else there and I don't want that on my throat.

I'll stay true and I want to give her peace a chance.

This is some band tattoo but I'm not sure exactly because I'm old and unhip however I really like that saying.

I better not say anything negative about this tattoo otherwise I'll get another person to create a Xanga account to send me hate mail.

Well that's lovely.  I wonder if that's her name or how she describes her actions.

Louis Vuitton...someone is a fan.  I wonder if when that guy dies if someone will take his skin off and tan it and turn it into a purse.

This librarian had to get this tattoo to shush her boyfriend during their love making sessions.

Reading really does give you superpowers.

Every time I saw this tattoo in my files I always thought of the Reading Rainbow theme song.  It's the strangest thing.

Hell yeah...BOOKS!  I'm sure my librarian readers appreciate these.  I actually dig them if you cared.

This is Uma Thurman's character from Pulp Fiction after she was saved from overdose.  "Ifyou're all right, say something."  "Something."

Someone loves Photoshop.  I wonder if in a few years they'll photoshop this pic and make it appear as if they have no tattoo.

Where the Wild Things Are...they're on his arm.  That's an easy answer.

Well that's a nice tattoo to have forever.

All you need is love?  False.  The human body requires a constant intake of nutrients, fluids, and oxygen and not love.

A mixer?  I bet someone really likes cooking.  Well at least the reflection on the bowl is pretty cool. 

Of all the Jason Segel characters and Muppets to get tattooed on your body.  I could think of at least a dozen others that are better choices.

With the price of gold these days...no no no that's not good.  I wonder if he ever finds himself subconsciously rubbing his feet together.

Have a great night.

Well it's that time of year again.  Oktoberfest is here again.  All I really know about the festival is that it's a big beer drinking celebration.  I consulted with wikipedia and if you believe that wikipedia is trustworthy it says that Prince Ludwig was married to Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen on October 12, 1810.  The citizens of Munich were invited to attend festivities honoring the couple held near the city gates.  The next year they decided to make it an annual event and to celebrate the agricultural aspects of Bavaria.  It was then pushed back to September for warmer weather.  Nowadays Oktoberfest is just a celebration of beer.  This weekend is the kick-off of Oktoberfest near me.  The fest here is celebrating its 52nd year and is one of the largest celebrations in America.  I went to high school in that town and my German class was invited for the tapping of the golden keg and we sang "Ein Prosit Ein Prosit Der Gemütlichkeit (hey I remembered the umlaut).  Later that day a couple classmates and I snuck into the beer gardens and we got plastered.  We were warned by people to be careful and avoid strange men giving us beer because that was when the Mississippi Madman or Smiley Face Killer theory was starting to gain popularity for all the deaths in La Crosse.  This celebration is a huge deal.  The local news station interrupts broadcast to air the transport of the tap to the beer gardens for the tapping of the golden keg.  The procession is much like how they do the Olympic torch except they have people running through the streets carrying a beer tap.  Open intoxicant laws are thrown out the window and the police get drunk right along with the festgoers.  The last time I was in that town during Oktoberfest I was at a redlight and I was offered a beerbong.  Oh and this year they had to hire police officers from London because they are expecting record numbers of people.  Nothing like a recession to bring record numbers of people wanting to get drunk.  No wonder it's often referred to as Notsoberfest.

Also you get to see sights like this:

Ok so the last two weren't from Oktoberfest but they were from a pretty kick-ass wedding reception that I couldn't partake of because I was bit by a spider and couldn't mix alcohol with my medicines because I wanted to keep my leg from being amputated.

More than likely, I'll go to the grocery store and grab a case of beer, some bratwurst, and sauerkraut.  Then I'll have my own Oktoberfest in my backyard and by Saturday afternoon I'll be passed out underneath my apple tree and neighborhood children will throw apples at my lifeless body.  Also I am alone so I don't have a designated driver.

Ich würde nie Alkohol im Strassenverkehr verzeihen. Ich unterstreiche gerade, dass ich jetzt verantwortlicher als an den Tagen meiner Jugend bin.

I’m pretty certain that the referee from last night’s game was the same guy who told me Prometheus was a good movie.

So I was teaching the other day and this kid came in the classroom and his hair was all disheveled and he was wearing formal clothes but they were really messy and I swear there was blood on them.  He started speaking to his classmates and his voice was really low and gravelly.  I couldn’t take it any more because I thought this kid was trying to imitate Batman so I asked, “Who died and made you Batman?”  He replied, “My parents…last night.”  That made for an awkward rest of the day.

I don’t like going to twitter much any more because I look at my Bachelor’s Degree and start to cry as I try to make a fart joke in under140 characters.

Someone from the GOP said that releasing the video of Romney making that speech about 47% of Americans was character assassination of a good man.  Somewhere Jeremiah Wright did a spit take.  Romney also plans on playing dubstep at future campaign stops to prove he can connect with younger generations.  He also plans on ending his speeches with “Sock it to me, baby.”

A study out of Yale University has revealed that no matter how many times you answer “OK” your parents will not shut up.

I’m pretty sure all body spray deodorant smells like teenage sex and drug abuse.

I was reading a newspaper and there was an article about a Segway owner who killed himself by driving his Segway off a cliff.  I guess the old saying is true; you live by the Segway, you die by the Segway.

Birds don’t sing. They rap and they usually rap about shitting all over you and your car.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that books will become obsolete sometime in our lifetime and that I’m part of the problem?  Does it also bother you that Asian countries are going to surpass us in our lifetime? I mean their pop music is so much better than ours.

If I was a meal, I’d be a Stouffer’s Microwavable Dinner for One.

Since Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian I guess he is officially OK with golddiggers.

A lot of people don’t think Jesus had a wife.  Well he probably did because who else would’ve been the first to yell “Jesus H. Christ!”  Oh and Bible scholars don’t know about where the “H” came from.  It’s obviously his middle name Herbert.  I’m probably blasphemous but I really do hate that “Jesus Take the Wheel” song but I’m pretty sure after he changed the water into wine, Jesus wouldn’t have been able nor wanted to take the wheel and besides that do you really think Jesus would know how to drive when Jesus in The Passion of the Christ didn’t know how to eat at a regular table.

If you disregard the strippers, fighting, and overall crudeness, you can get some pretty good relationship advice from Jerry Springer when he gives his final thoughts.

I need to stop being attracted to women I can’t have like lesbians but then my momma didn’t raise a quitter but then I don’t have to worry since I have the sex appeal of a patch of dead grass.

I woke up this morning to all these strange sounds outside my house.  I couldn’t figure out if it was construction or a Skrillex concert. It was construction.

I’m going to be realistic, if iCarly was a real show I’m pretty sure she’d be bullied relentlessly on the show and in real life.

Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talent.

Two of my biggest hobbies are listening to the same album on repeat for hours and being a bitter asshole but restraining myself from yelling at people.

I watched Blue Velvet again. Good thing I don’t plan on having sex for the next month or so.

Apparently Green Day will be waking up at the end of this week.

Why is it that when no one is around I’m at my funniest?

I know I talk about how I hate labels but when someone tells me they detest labels and won’t use them, I fill one glass with water and another with hydrochloric acid.  Good luck telling which is which without labels.

Have you ever watched a movie and about halfway through you didn’t know any of the characters’ names? I’d tell which movie that happened to me last but it wasn’t memorable.

I’m going to learn the Gangnam style dance so I can be the most popular person at the homecoming dance. I turned on my radio the other day and that song was playing and it reminded me why I don’t listen to the radio anymore.

Love songs are so depressing to me because I’m a pessimist and I see every love song ending one of three ways: either the person they love will rip their heart out of their chest, they will rip the heart of the object of their affection’s chest, or someone will die in a tragic automobile accident.

You can ask me to pick up milk and eggs on the way home and I’ll forget but if you ask me to remember lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulators” I can recite the whole song.

Mitt Romney talked about opening windows on a plane.  The Polish military bought that idea and think this will be a bigger idea than screen doors on submarines.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever wondered how many men converted to Judaism just so they could cover up their bald spots?

I wish being popular wasn’t a popularity contest.  I wish it was a hotdog eating contest.

I don’t understand Life cereal.  It tastes good.  It should taste bittersweet.

Football on Saturday and Sunday is awesome because it makes drinking at noon look normal.

I’ve been looking for the perfect girl, well not so much perfect but she has to love me more than I hate myself.  I guess that would mean she would have to be perfect.

With the rise of the popularity of porno parodies, I’m waiting for the day when an actor or actress falls from grace and ends up playing their role in the porno parody of their movie.

I’m trying to narrow down my favorite western movie.  It’s either “Once Upon a Time in the West”,“The Magnificent Seven”, or “American Tail: Fievel Goes West”.

I once blew a fuse because I have a fireworks fetish.

My parents never made me wash out my mouth for swearing but one time I flipped them off they made me wash my hands.  It was so disgusting.

I’m not fat; I’m just bloated from being dead on the inside.

A lot of my friends ooh and ahh over dogs with three legs but they start screaming at me to stop when I try to one off from a four legged dog.

I’m trying to figure out which SNES game was better: NBA Jam or WNBA Lay Up.

If I get a tattoo it will be the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.

The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turns out to be an actual human

I tried dating an astronaut once but she always said she needed her space.

90% of seniors support medicinal marijuana.  Too bad they are just high school seniors.

My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

If I had a nickel for every lustful stare I’ve received today then I’d have 88cents.

A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.

Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the onetime I saw When Harry Met Sally.

To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

I’m trying to help Xanga start a new marketing campaign and I’m submitting two new slogans.  First:“Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”  Second: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

I wish I could ctrl alt delete some Xangans.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all,just post that shit on Xanga.

93% of Xanga users say the biggest regret they have about Xanga usually involves the recommend comment or befriending the guy who recommends every single comment he writes.