Well I suppose I should try to do one of these posts again. I don't know if people care for it any more but I'll post to indulge you. Same rules apply.
Snooki gave birth last week to a baby boy. His name is Lorenzo Dominic and he was greeted by MTV cameras after he came out fist-pumping of his mom's vagina. He is resting comfortably in his homemade crib that doubles as a tanning bed. Snooki didn't waste much time cashing in on her new bundle of hair gel. I haven't heard how much she made for the exclusive photos but she definitely cashed in. Snooki was also interviewed by People and said this, "It's a different kind of love that I never felt before. When I got pregnant, everything changed. The partying is long gone. I'm a new person." I'll believe she's a changed person when I don't see her doing tequilla shots off baby Lorenzo's belly during a Mommy and Me class at a bar in New Jersey. Speaking of New Jersey, the pride of America according to MTV, MTV has canceled Jersey Shore. There was no word as to why they canceled the show but I guess it was because it was no longer popular and in this post-Honey Boo Boo world , Jersey Shore became an exemplar of poise and etiquette which spits in the face of why that show was created which was to show a bunch of Italian kids living on the beach getting STDs and HIV.
Shia Labeouf is a master of his craft. He takes his acting roles seriously. In preparation for the movie Lawless, Shia guzzled down moonshine much like his character and when he drinks in the movie he is drinking real moonshine. Then for a movie called Nymphomaniac, Shia has sex and not simulated sex. He had actual sex. I guess all other actresses will now think twice about having a sex scene with Shia. Now word comes that Shia is preparing for a new role in a movie titled The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman. He took LSD like his character does in the movie. Watching the last Transformers movie was like a real bad acid trip so I guess Shia now feels my pain. When asked about why he did it here's what Shia said, "There's a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there's a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to." So his inspirations for acting are Sean Penn and Harold and Kumar? Yeah, Shia is an idiot. He's a lot less deep, talented or interesting than he thinks he is. He must also be pissed off that other young actors are getting better roles and more visibility. Hence the recent barrage of stunts, statements and incidents to cement his "edginess" in the public eye. Too bad the public eye sees right through his shit. He's Bud Bundy without the charisma.
Shannon Elizabeth turned 39 this week. Back when I was finishing up high school/starting college she was everywhere. Now she's nowhere to be found. It's sort of sad she went by the wayside but then she wasn't really that great of an actress and her most noteworthy roles involved her being naked.
Sarah Jean Underwood posted this photo on Twitter this week. That is the strangest looking swing I've ever seen. I can see why they don't put those in public parks. They would hurt kids.
Rose McGowan turned 39 this week. She got her start around the same time as Shannon Elizabeth, maybe a couple years earlier. She got work but then there is this 4 year break where she has no credits to her name. Oddly enough those were the years when she dated Marilyn Manson. I guess dating him was a full time job in and of itself. Anyway, Rose is the rose to my heart and I have no clue what that means but she gives me erections especially in the movie Planet Terror.
Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, turned 69 this week. This guy is a musical genius but that genius put a hamper on his career at times. Floyd will never tour again because of his ego but at least I did get to see the 3 members of Pink Floyd put on The Wall plus I saw Waters in concert too and he did mostly Floyd songs so I guess it's all good.
Miley Cyrus showed up at the VMAs last night wearing the same exact hairstyle as singer Pink. Pink can rock that hairstyle but when Miley wears it she looks like another Top Chef reject because you know that Top Chef has to have a minimum requirement of contestants with shitty mohawks each season.
Other than the hair, Miley looked great at the VMAs.
Pee Wee Herman turned 60 this week. How is that possible? He's 60 but he acts like he's 6 so I guess that is pretty much why I'm shocked. I hope Pee Wee had a great birthday celebration but stayed away from movie theaters and Fred Willard...(while I was gone Fred Willard was arrested for masturbating at a porn theater much like how Pee Wee got arrested all those years ago).
Paul Oakenfold turned 49 this week. I sometimes really enjoy electronic music and one of my favorite artists is Paul Oakenfold. I remember when I was in college and would come home for the weekend, I'd drive across the plains of Minnesota listening to Oakenfold. It really made that trip enjoyable because there was absolutely nothing to do on my drive. He is one of the most prolific artists in his genre. He produced the soundtrack for the movie Swordfish. I went to see that movie just because he did the music. The movie was so so but the music was spectacular.
Michael Chicklis turned 49 this week. He was actually born on the same day as Oakenfold. Chicklis is one of my favorite actors. I actually loved The Commish and when I saw him on The Shield it blew my mind. I think The Shield is the best police drama ever made. His character Vic Mackey may be one of the best characters ever. I'm anxious to see him as a mobster in this new show about Las Vegas that premiers in a few days.
Child Protective Services may wonder why Octomom's oldest children are taking pencil erasers and rubbing them across their head. Turns out they know about their mom's sextape but only because she claims to be honest and open with her children and that she claims to have told them. I doubt they know the specifics but I have a feeling they realize that the food they are eating was paid for with money from mommy's shenanigans. Octomom had this to say, "I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty. They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess." OK I'm not a parent but you can't be totally honest with your kids 100% of the time. When a kid begs for candy at the store I'd just say that the candy at Walmart is for display purposes only and not for sale and that if they opened it there wouldn't be anything inside and if there is it contains diabetes and they'll have to get poked by needles for the rest of their life. I wouldn't lie to my kids about Santa though because I want credit for all the shit I bought from Walmart and KMart that's under the tree. That being said, I guess it was a good thing she told her kids because that will make internet usage in the future less awkward.
Sorry ladies, Nicki Minaj isn't bisexual like she once claimed. She's only into men and only said she was bisexual to get attention. She claims she was just joking when she said she was bisexual. In an interview with Rolling Stone she admits she claimed to be bi to get headlines. Dear Lord, Nicki Minaj isn't who she says she is? Next thing you know, this dope will admit that her hair isn't really pink or green or whatever the hell color it is this week. How will her peers ever be able to trust her again? The fake drug kingpins, make-believe gangsters, and pimp posers really need to band together and once and for all clear the air on what lies are acceptable in the pillar of honesty I like to call the Hip Hop community. But on a serious note, I don't think people who claim to be bisexual for attention realize they are trivializing an entire identity. It needs to stop just like those girls that go around kissing other girls and claiming to love girls just so guys will give them attention.
Neil Armstrong passed away at the age of 82. Neil was the commander of the Apollo 11 mission and he was the first one to step on the moon on July 20, 1969. As he stepped on the moon, Neil said the words that will forever live in tattoo form on one of my old friends' ankle (sadly, I'm not joking): "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." The Apollo 11 mission was Neil's last mission. After that he, worked as NASA's deputy associate administrator for aeronautics and later taught engineering at the University of Cincinnati. Rest in peace, Neil.
Here's Mickey Rourke on the set of his new movie "Black November". This is so weird but Mickey looks exactly like one of my grandmas and with the same glasses. It's not even funny.
All Michael Phelps does is win. He was in Las Vegas last weekend celebrating his 6 gold medals with his friends and he won $100,000 at a poker game. He then blew a chunk of it at a nightclub. When can he catch a break? Alright already, Mike. We get it, God shines his love on you just a little bit more than he does on the rest of us. There's no need to flaunt that fact, but just remember that a few decades ago, being born with elongated arms and tiny little legs would have landed you in a freak show. Today you're Michael Phelps, Olympic hero. A hundred years ago you would have been Bobo, the half-human half-seal boy.
Michael Clarke Duncan passed away this week at the age of 54. He had a heart attack in July and didn't ever fully recover. He was recently hospitalized and his fiancee Omarosa, of The Apprentice fame, was with him. She told TMZ that she left the room for a few minutes and when she returned he was gone. He had an inspirational path to fame. He quit school to get a job to support his family. He worked at a gas company and then as a bouncer at a nightclub and then he became a bodyguard and then he got bit parts in movies and then he's nominated for an Oscar for The Green Mile. He will be greatly missed.
Lifetime Network released a few more still shots of the upcoming movie "Liz and Dick" that stars Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor. Lindsay actually looks good as Elizabeth Taylor from the 80s. Some interesting news from the movie is that the owner of Elizabeth Taylor's trailer that was used for the movie Cleopatra rented it to the makers of this movie. She said when she gave it to them it was in excellent condition but when they returned it she claims that the inside looks like it was hit by a crack fueled freckled tornado. She also claims she spent her entire life savings of $58,000 to buy the trailer but the damages exceed $100,000 and the insurance company the movie makers used won't compensate her at all. The owner told CNN who she thinks trashed the trailer: "Only a psychotic and rebellious person or people would steal irreplaceable museum belongings and leave it in this vandalized condition." In other words, YOU KNOW WHO! Lindsay really is a crack fueled tornado because she was kicked out of her crack home away from crack home. She was kicked out of the Chateau Marmont because she ran up a $46,000 bill and hasn't paid any of it. TMZ had a copy of the bill and apparently she spent $3100 on the mini-bar, $686 on 49 packs of cigarettes, $100 on a candle, $2000 on one meal on July 4th, and a $75 a day fee for a computer rental. Of course the computer hasn't been returned. I bet Lindsay got confused and thought it was a halfway house for those exiting rehab and prison. She'll probably pay them off with a truckload of Rolex watches and DVD players with the serial numbers scratched off. She is off the hook for the alleged theft at that millionaires house because it turns out he made a claim to Lindsay that whatever is his is hers because he loves her so he says that nothing is missing. Lindsay is sort of stupid but hey she's done a lot of drugs. When you steal candy from a baby you don't just steal the candy, you trick the baby into running off to Las Vegas to elope at a cheap wedding chapel without signing a pre-nup so you can get your hands on all the candy and all the candy that baby will ever get. She needs to reevaluate her career as a con artist.
I have some good news for the few ladies out there that haven't slept with Leonardo DiCaprio. He's going to be fully nude in his new movie "The Wolf of Wall Street". An insider says there are some explicit sex scenes and one that involves 4 guys and 2 women. The insider also said there's man on man sex but that Leo isn't involved with that. I don't need to see this movie to know that Leo is probably packing a boa constrictor in his shorts because that's the only reason to be in a movie with a full monty scene in it. Unless he pulls a Marky Mark and whips out a fake penis, expect Leo to be crowned Champion of Men. After all, he's the world's biggest star, he only plows the hottest supermodels like Bar Refali, he loves his mommy, and now he confirms the assumption of most women that he has a monster vagina splitter and isn't shy about putting it on display. God bless him.
Lady Gaga posted photo somewhere and I can't help but admit I got turned on but then I noticed the dog. It looks like he's saying, "Don't look left. Don't look left. Don't look left. Don't look left. Don't look left."
For some strange reason, Katy Perry can't quit John Mayer. She's been drunk texting him ever since they broke up. Boy if I had a nickel for every time a girl drunk texted me I wouldn't have any nickels...sigh...Katy went from being a talented artist to being just another John Mayer conquest. I guess the drunk texting paid off. They were spotted together this week. I guess this goes to show you that if you want something in life and have tits the size of basketballs that you can get whatever you want. This is a heart warming tale that all girls should aspire for. I bet they'll even make a Disney movie about it.
Justin Bieber tweeted two photos this week. This was the first photo. It shows him playing with a gun on the set of Selena Gomez's new movie. I don't know what is the most disturbing thing here. Either it's Justin Bieber acting like the toughest member of a toddler gang when he really looks the opposite and you want to pat him on the head and tell him to go have his mom change his Huggies because he smells like he pooped himself or Selena's eyes showing the demons of Hell. I guess this photo shows that demons are happy when toddlers play with guns. Justin also tweeted this photo which has been photoshopped below.
Yeah those wacky kids with their photoshop, nothing's safe these days. I think it would've been more accurate if they shopped Usher's face instead of Ray J. Also, a note to all celebrities, be careful of the photos you take otherwise this may happen to you.
I think next week we will see an engineering record when Jessica Simpson goes on Katie Couric's new talk show to show off how $4million from Weight Watchers helped her lose weight but more than likely is being held by Spanx and corsets. Jessica claims that she didn't know that all the weight didn't come off once the baby was born. See I've never fathered a baby nor had siblings but I sure as hell know that all the weight gained during pregnancy doesn't magically disappear once the baby is born. Jessica claims she's 10lbs away from her pre-pregnancy weight and that she walks 60 minutes a day because she can't job because of her breasts, "My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I'm just walking." All that she claims she ate during her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised if her baby is taking cholesterol and high blood pressure medicine.
This is Jeannette McCurdy. She plays some kid on the TV show iCarly. Yeah she's supposed to be a kid on the show but in real life she's 20 so stop right there Chris Hansen, you have no right to tell me to have a seat. She's also a country singer if that matters but anyway yeah.
Jeff Foxworthy turned 54 this week. You might be a redneck or a devout Christian who watches Bible trivia game shows on the Game Show Network but don't read the actual Bible if you think that his birthday should be a national holiday.
Janice Dickinson was spotted kissing porn star James Deen this week. I decided to share this because I've always wanted to see what it would look like when two trains collide. The poor guy, he must've lost a bet. The worst thing I ever had to do on a lost bet was ride a shopping cart down a hill. It's also a good thing the porn industry does heavy STD screening these days.
More people watched the TLC reality series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo than Paul Ryan speak at the Republican National Convention. This means Mitt Romney should've picked Mama June as his running mate instead. You wonder how much TLC pays that family. I'm pretty sure Mama June, Sugarbear, Chickadee, Honey Boo Boo, Piggypines, Chubbs, and Liver Lips McGrowl would be happy with lifetime passes to Old Country Buffet and a semi-truck filled with cheese balls but TLC pays them actual cash money. The Hollywood Reporter said that they get $4000 an episode or $40,000 per season however Mama June Bug Beaver Lick Horse Face Chin Lift says that TLC stuffs more than $40,000 cash in her chin cleavage. She wouldn't say how much her family got to make fools of themselves but it's substantial. $40,000 doesn't sound like a lot but it buys a lot of baby formula aka Mountain Dew and water aka Mountain Dew. I bet they'll rake in millions when that show gets renewed and we all know it will get renewed. Next season they'll move up to eating name brand Cheetos instead of Sam's Choice cheese puffs. One person that does not approve of this show is Kris Jenner. She thinks the mother is pimping out her children to make easy money. POT KETTLE BLACK! That is the most hypocritical thing I've ever heard. She also thinks the family is classless and doesn't understand why America is fascinated with them. I say the same thing with the Kardashians. The words "Would you like to buy my daughter's sex tape" have come out of Kris Jenner's mouth so she should shut the hell up if she tries to criticize another family on TV.
Holly Madison announced she is pregnant. And here is a picture of the wholesome mother to be if you ignore the fact that pretty much everyone on earth has seen her naked and that she used to have sex with an 85 year old man in exchange for money, food, and housing.
Courtney Stodden turned 18 this week but I think it's actually her 27th annual 18th birthday. Maybe now her husband Doug Hutchison will have to go find a new woman that isn't old and over the hill since she's now legal. Doug gave Courtney a special birthday present, an Italian greyhound that they named Dourtney. I bet the dog runs into oncoming traffic within a month. A few days after turning 18, Courtney sent Playboy a message on Twitter asking if she could pose for Playboy. A source close to Playboy told TMZ that Courtney's chances of posing in Playboy are just about the same as someone saying that Doug Hutchison marrying a 16 year old isn't creepy. The sources claims that Playboy has never made her an offer to pose and never will because she looks too enhanced. What? The women in Playboy aren't supposed to look plastic and fake? Could've fooled me. they let Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid pose so that proves that theory wrong. I bet the real reason is because Courtney is married and Hef is looking for a girl to change his diapers and not a girl whose diapers he has to change.
I think I wrote about this before but oh well it gives me a chance to look at Coco. She went on a TV show called The Drs. to have an ultrasound of her ass to determine if she had implants or if it was real. She's all natural and here's the video. I think The Drs. should get all the television awards and some Nobel Prizes.
Well it's official, there will be a Christmas Story 2 and it's coming straight to DVD and will hit shelves on October 30th just in time for Christmas because Christmas shopping gets earlier and earlier each year. Pretty soon I expect Christmas decorations to appear in stores after July 4th. My only question with this movie is that in a couple years will TBS have a 24 hour marathon of it on December 26th?
Charlie Sheen turned 47 this week. Looking at recent photos of him I wouldn't have ever guessed he was that young. I'm actually surprised he's still alive. Last night I saw some of the episodes of Anger Management. Yeah I can see why people aren't watching it. I thought it was awful. I watched the first 3 or 4 episodes and then gave up and last night I watched a couple more but switched over to the DNC because that seemed more interesting.
Bob Barker was the host of the Price is Right for 35 years but he wasn't invited to the 40th anniversary special. He claims that the show's producers chose to ignore him. The special aired this past week and featured former contestants and actually showed Barker in numerous clips. He also is upset they didn't even offer him a DVD of the special. He claims he isn't mad and said this, "When you celebrate a 40th anniversary, you would think you’d have the fellow who did the show for 35 years there." Not even a DVD, maybe he offered too much and went over the suggested retail price of a DVD. I know he's cool with it but how could you have a 40th anniversary special and not have on the guy who was on the show for 35 years?
And just like that, the streets of L.A. are safer. Amanda Bynes had her license revoked and buried in the shallow ditch next to her acting career. Gee, it only took one DUI and about 50 bajillion hit and run accidents for the DMV to act. It was getting so bad in L.A. that whenever people got in their cars they crossed themselves and put up St. Christopher statues on their dashboards. Maybe Amanda will get Lindsay Lohan to drive her to the courthouse to get her license back. Also, when I watched the President's speech last night I'm surprised he didn't mention Amanda's plight because she has petitioned him via Twitter to help her out of all her shenanigans. The L.A. Times asked the DMV about the license suspension but they wouldn't say the exact reason or when it started. I will take a stab at the reason...one DUI and charged with 2 hit and runs. Maybe they didn't take her driver's license away but her fishing license. Prosecutors have opened the cases against Amanda and she could face up to a year in prison. Shit, that won't happen. Lindsay Lohan could walk into a daycare and pull out a machine gun and open fire and she'd be sentenced to go to the theater to watch The Oogieloves movie. The judge will probably sentence Amanda to paint flames on her car so it looks cool.
Those funny people over at the 4Chan are up to their old hilarious tricks. A while back rapper Pitbull launched a campaign to visit a location that got the most likes on his facebook. Well the people over at 4Chan liked a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska in hopes of exiling him there. Then there was the whole Mountain Dew fiasco. Pepsi decided to let the Internet name the new flavor of Mountain Dew. The top ten names all came from 4Chan and were all variations of either "Hitler Did No Wrong" or "Gushin' Grannies". No word on whether or not that flavor will hit stores. Now 4Chan has done it again. Papa John's had a contest on their Facebook page that said any school that got the most votes would get a Taylor Swift concert if she wanted to play there. Well the school that is currently in the lead is The Horace Mann School for The Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Massachusetts. That is so fitting but then I don't think the deaf even want to hear her passive aggressive songs about her famous exboyfriends. The rules state that she doesn't have to perform at the winning school if she doesn't want to but imagine what a black eye she'd get if she turned down a school for the deaf. Her heart is made of crushed cherry lollipops and Lisa Frank stickers.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
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