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  • Dear Penthouse

    Because Penthouse magazine recently declared chapter 11 bankruptcy I decided to repost something I wrote a few years ago.

    I’ve often read Penthouse Letters.  Yeah, I’ll admit to it.  It stimulates my mind.  Anyway over the years I have realized that some of those letters have to be edited and then some most be fake.  I guess what I’ve lately been wondering if there are any rejected letters.  How horrible are these letters to Penthouse if they get rejected?  I thought of what they might look like.

    Dear Penthouse,
    I was stupid and I dropped out of high school.  I haven’t had any luck finding decent work.  Thankfully I was hired by a pizza chain as a driver.  I know I’ve read plenty of stories in your publications about pizza delivery guys that get “tips” from lonely women.  After a few months I thought all those stories were false but then one night all that was changed.  I was dropping off an extra sausage pizza which has to be code for something, right?  The lady who answered the door was pretty good looking despite not wearing any make-up and having her hair in curlers.  I said, “Here’s your extra sausage, ma’am.”  She took a long drag on her cigarette and then hacked up a bunch of phlegm.
    “Come inside and I’ll give you a tip,” she said as I nervously entered.  She was wearing a housecoat that covered up everything.  She came back with her hand on the belt of the housecoat and fiddled with it as she said, “Here’s your tip.”  She handed me the money for the pizza and $5 extra.
    A $5 tip!  I was stoked.  I drove to the local Walgreens and bought a bottle of lube and sat in the parking lot and masturbated furiously because that was the best tip I’ve ever been given.  Then I returned to the restaurant to deliver more pizzas.

    Dear Penthouse,
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for months and because he lives with his parents and I live with my parents, we never have time alone.  Finally one night my parents were gone so I had my boyfriend come over.  We were finally going to do it!  I lit candles and made the house romantic.  He finally got there and he greeted me with a kiss.  We were like two animals in lust.  We made it to the couch but before I let him do anything I made him suit up.  I went to go get something to drink and popped a bag of popcorn while he figured out how to tear open the condom package.  Finally he was ready to go.  We started kissing again and he said, “Damn, girl, you are so tight.”  The only problem was he wasn’t “in” me.  He started humping something but I had no idea what he was doing.  Then he screamed out in pleasure which was followed by a scream of pain.  He had his dick between the cushions on the couch and the condom had got stuck on a zipper in the cushion.  Well as he came all over the underside of the couch, he cut himself on the zipper.  I had to go get him some ice and take him to the emergency room because he was bleeding all over the place.

    Dear Penthouse
    I thought this was going to be another lousy Valentine’s Day.  A few of my single friends and I headed for the bar for their lonely hearts night festivities.  We were sharing drinks and having great conversation and then I so a blonde glancing in my direction.  She was a knock-out.  Now, I’m not a remotely attractive male so it was strange to have this attractive of a woman looking at me.
    I finally got up the courage and walked over to her and introduced myself.  She said her name was Lola and that she was there all by herself.  She was the perfect woman…small tits, tight ass, muscular arms…she was everything I want in a woman all in one package.
    We found a table in the corner of the bar and we began petting each other.  Her hands worked their way up my thighs and we shared a long and deep kiss.  I knew it was time to head to Lola’s apartment.
    Lola opened a bottle of wine.  She poured me a glass and told me to relax and loosen up.  She then said she was going to go change into something more comfortable.  I gulped down the wine and loosened the tie around my neck.  Lola came out wearing some black lingerie and asked if I was relaxed.  I nodded.  She knelt in front of me and unbuttoned my shirt.  She helped me take it off.  She then pulled my belt out of my pants.  I soon found myself sitting on her couch wearing nothing but my boxers.  She then slipped my boxers off.  I was sitting there naked as the day I was born.
    Lola then reached down with her very large hands and gripped my cock.  I was so excited that I emptied my sack all over her hands.  Lola laughed and said I was too excited.  She told me to take another glass of wine and drink it.  Then Lola stood upand said, “Now it’s my turn.”  That was when I noticed the growing bulge in “her” underwear.
    for limerick

    Dear Penthouse,
    I totally fucked this one hot chick.

  • When a man loves a woman ___________ (fill in the blank)

  • Motivation

    You know how people crack backs?  I need someone to crack my knee.  Who wants to come over and put me in the Scorpion Death Lock?  Even the Figure Four Leg Lock sounds good right about now.  I’m also lonely and looking for a girl to help me complete a Boston Crab.  I shouldn’t write these when watching wrestling.

    I saw an Amish guy reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I don’t think the bishop is going to like that.  If that guy is anything like this one Amish family I know then after their 22nd child he and his wife need something to spice up their lovemaking.

    I’ve been thinking of having kids lately.  I sort of wanted to have a daughter so I could treat her like a princess but with my luck she’d become Mary Tudor.

    I’ve often heard people say, “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.”  I contend it’s “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.  Beer before liquor, you’ll be OK if you don’t like a little bitch.”

    I’m pretty sure all the people who make computer viruses are the kids who got bullied in high school for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

    If you’ve never had to privilege of having someone in your house try to pleasure a woman on an air mattress, I don’t recommend it.

    My favorite sext message: “What’s your favorite season of The Office?”

    My second favorite sext message: “What do you think America should do with a $17trillion deficit?”

    All I wanna do is (dolphin sound)(dolphin sound) and (foghorn)(old jalopy car horn) and take all your money.

    I’m going to the Brewers game tonight.  Look for the guy who pushes kids out of the way for a foul ball and then twerks in their face once I catch it.

    75% of my work day is spent furiously trying to recreate the fart sound you think you heard my chair make when I got up

    “IT’S SUNDAY!  IT’S SUNDAY!” –hardcore Christians or Breaking Bad fans

    A guy came up while I was watching CNN about the recent shooting.  He said, “Huh?  A shooting?  How awful!”  Then he went on talking about his weekend.  That’s we are now as a country.

    I was watching my neighbor’s dog poop and it finally dawned on me where twerking originated.

    I’ve noticed that neck tattoos at Walmart are down at least 65%.  Come on, we need to kickstart this economy.

    20 years ago, Nirvana’s “In Utero” was released.  If you need me, I’ll be over here in my flannel shirt filling out my AARP application.

    One day someone will be envious of me for something.  Hopefully it’s my enormous penis.

    People who have rejected my recent marriage proposals:  that one Xangan, Carrie Brownstein, Maya Rudolph, Winona Ryder, and a slice of taco pizza.

    Good ways to improve your mood: fall asleep watching The Simpsons, wake up to The Simpsons, watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, float away into outer space, live on the moon forever, eat a slice of taco pizza.

    If I ran Maxim, Carrie Brownstein or Maya Rudolph would top the list of the Maxim Hot 100 every year.  Also, if I ran Maxim I’d probably set myself on fire.

    I’m pretty sure a blog is formed when your loneliness and narcissism meet and fall in love.

    It’s funny how when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer it’s called “art” and “music” but when I do it I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Walmart immediately”.

    I honestly don’t understand why they make super skimpy Halloween costumes for women and why women buy them.  I don’t mean it as shaming of sluts but it’s the last day of October and it’s always cold.  What makes you think those costumes are practical?

    Why are bagels so much better than bread?  My head knows it’s just a bread circle but my heart sings a different song.

    You know some people say that Obama is a strategic genius by threatening to go to war with Syria and by putting the decision in Congress’ hands, when they are opposed to anything he wants, will make him look like the strong and concerned leader with an uncaring Congress.  He’ll come off looking strong but that’s really weak in my opinion.  He’s threatening other people’s lives on a gambit so he can look tough.  That’s about as tough as the punks who threaten to kick your ass one on one when they’re standing with about a dozen people backing them up.  The strongest thing he could do is walk away…just like Billy Jack.

    I know a lot about the female body because this one time I saw a opossum get hit on the highway.

    I recently got my time machine finished and I went to the year 2000 and tried to describe dubstep to people and they all said, “Oh you mean ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude.”

    The word “platonic” comes from Plato so I guess Plato invented the friend zone.

    Why do people drink fat free milk?  It tastes like nothing.  We might as well call it cow water.

    Robin Thicke was in a Burger King wanting to order lunch but there was a family of ducks in front of him ordering massive amounts of food.  He hates those bird lines.

    There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

    I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

    I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

    Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

    I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

    Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

    I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

    And now your weekly dose of motivation:
    Continue reading →

  • Blind Date Tips

    A friend of mine asked me recently if I wouldn’t mind being set up on a blind date because she was sick of reading me bitch about how I am single and forever alone.  It got me thinking of ways things I can do to make my blind date experience the best date ever.

    • A girl who has the nickname “Dump Truck” might not be the best date.
    • Guys, you shouldn’t have to pay because women want to be treated as equals so expect her to pick up the bill.
    • You should guard your silverware and hover over your food.  This will give the allusion that you are not to be messed with and you appreciate the food your hard earned money buys.
    • It’s perfectly acceptable to use a Kleenex to wipe your date’s nose.
    • Guys, take a book with you on the date, preferably a mystery novel, and read it the entire time ignoring your date.  Women like a mysterious man and by ignoring her you’re making her mind work trying to figure out the basic facts about you.
    • Some restaurants keep their butter on the table but you won’t be using butter.  You are too good for butter.  Ask the waiter for lard.
    • Guys, ask the waiter for crayons and a paper placemat.  Girls like men who are creative.  And if they won’t give you a paper placemat, use the linen napkins.
    • When a very attractive female walks by make sure you howl and whistle especially if you are a woman.  For some reason guys like to know their women like women.
    • Eat food off your date’s plate.  You’d be rude to not eat more off their plate than they do.
    • If your date says they will pay for the meal, lean over to the diners next to you and say, “I’ll have to work it off later.”
    • Anything on the table that isn’t bolted down should be placed in your pockets.
    • At the end of the meal, say you need to wash the dishes and then lick your plate clean and don’t forget to offer to lick your date’s plate.
    • If your date is paying, order the most expensive item, take one bite and proclaim you are stuffed.
    • Intelligent conversation is the key to a good date.  Try not to use any verbs when speaking.
    • America needs to be safe from terrorist attacks.  Make sure your date isn’t a terrorist by doing a thorough investigation.
    • Girls like a man who knows how to manage money so the best blind date location is McDonald’s.  Just make sure she only orders from the dollar menu.
    • Strip clubs are a great location for a date.  You’d be surprised how honest someone will be when there is full nudity on display.
    • If your date holds a belief contrary to yours, make sure you belittle them for holding such an asinine thought.
    • So you don’t sound too clingy, wait until the end of the date to tell the guy your ring size.
    • You should be comfortable while dating so wear your pajamas and if you don’t wear pajamas, go nude because people will be more honest when there’s genetalia on display.
    • Jokes always ease the tension of a date so make sure you have a copy of “Totally Tasteless Jokes” handy.  The raunchier and more racist, the better.  Tell a racist joke and if she laughs end the date immediately.  Who wants to date a racist?
    • Guys, if a girl tells you that she’s cold, you better zip up your coat.  You don’t want to catch a cold.
    • It’s fine if you want to see your date again.  Just find out where they live, sit outside in your car, and watch them with binoculars.
    • Karaoke is a fun date idea.  Make sure you sing romantic songs like “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails or “Bitches Ain’t Shit” by Snoop Doggy Dogg.
    • It’s perfectly acceptable to let your date know there are seven calories per tablespoon of semen.
    • You need to have fresh breath.  Ask your date to smell your breath.  You never know who you’ll meet on your date.
    • Make sure you go places that are handicapped friendly for your blind date.  You wouldn’t want her tripping over things.
    • The best way to loosen up for a date is with alcohol and make sure you don’t waste a drop.  Polish off the entire bottle.
    • Nothing says “hot” like wearing a v-neck t-shirt.  Make sure you have plenty of gold chains and chest hair to complete the look.
    • Guys, you should wear sweatpants on your date because the greatest compliment you could give your date is a visible boner.
    • If you are tired of seeing your friends hook-up with gorgeous people you need to step-up your lies and it’s best to lie about money.  Just tell your date that your father invented the Mad Lib or the game under pop bottle caps.
    • Gifts are appropriate for the first date and remember that women like gifts that express how you feel about them.  Black eyes are only acceptable if they match her outfit.  The best gift to get is some sort of kitchen utensil since women spend 99% of their time in the kitchen.
    • Ladies, make-up can fix blemishes but it can’t fix you from being a total bitch.
    • If your date doesn’t put out and you’re looking to score, hit up a sex addiction meeting.  Those places are always a great place to pick-up a partner and an STD.

    This is a re-post from a couple of years ago.  I wish Datingish was still around so I could totally be awesome over there.

  • I'm trying

    I'm trying to get Xanga to be more community-ish.  We need more people back here.  Spread the word my children.  Xanga is still alive.  Sure it was on life support for a while there but it's back with slight problems but it's back.  What the hell am I saying?  Oh, there was this incident that is being kept on the down low.  A kid who was home schooled for the first 6 years of his schooling (k-5) had to enroll in the public school because his mother is sick and can't do the teaching.  Anyway, the kid is bored in class and asks the teacher if he can go to the library.  The teacher said that would be fine.  Well the kid is home schooled and has absolutely no clue that the school has its own library.  Instead he goes outside, gets on his bike, and bikes to the city library about a half mile away.  Well all heck broke loose at the school because they couldn't find the kid.  They searched everywhere and then at a recess break he casually puts his bike back on the rack and walks up to the teacher to show her the books he got.  Teacher breaks out in laughter.  They later took a "field trip" to the school library.

    Now, do this survey

    List a notable news event from the year you were born
    The start of the Iran/Iraq War
    U.S. operation to free hostages in Iran fails
    Ronald Reagan elected president
    John Wayne Gacy executed
    John Lennon assassinated
    Mt. St. Helens erupts

     

    List a TV show from the year you were born
    CNN became the first 24 hour news network
    M*A*S*H
    Dallas
    The Dukes of Hazzard
    Taxi
    Little House on the Prairie
    The $1.98 Beauty Show

     

    List a  popular song from the year you were born
    The #1 song on the weekend I was born was “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen

     

    List a video game from the year you were born
    Pacman

     

    List a car from the year you were born
    Chevy El Camino

     

    List a movie from the year you were born
    The Empire Strikes Back
    Superman II
    Raging Bull
    Heaven’s Gate (the biggest flop in movie history)
    Airplane!
    Friday the 13th
    Caligula (released the week I was born)
    The Shining
    The Blues Brothers
    Caddyshack

    A notable political figure from the year you were born
    Jimmy Carter
    Ronald Reagan
    Leonid Brezhnev
    Margaret Thatcher
    Fidel Castro

    List 5 TV characters you'd like to get nasty with:
    5  Florida Evans from Good Times

    I swear Florida had the worst name in TV history.  “My name is Florida!”  Oh Family Guy, you’re silly!  She had to be the kindest woman ever on TV.  She was a mother and a wife and after a contract dispute she became a widow.  Always putting others before herself.  That is what I love in a woman.  Also she had to put up with J.J. “Kid Dy-no-mite” on a daily basis.  A few years ago on the Howard Stern show, they had John Amos on as a guest.  He played Florida’s husband, James Evans, on Good Times.  Howard said that John was one of the greatest actors ever and should have won countless awards.  John asked why and Howard replied, “Any man who could say that Florida was beautiful deserves an Emmy.”  I laughed.

    #4  Dr. Neela Rasgotra from ER

    She listens to punk, she’s sassy, sexy, smart, and she speaks with a British accent.  Plus she’s a doctor so I could be a kept man.  I can’t stand the sight of blood and to think that she digs around in people’s insides on a daily basis to save their lives…well that makes me…next.

    #3 Officer Tina Hanlon from The Shield

    Something about a female police officer drives me wild.  Maybe it is the prospect of being locked up in handcuffs or trying to get out of a ticket through interesting means.  Packing the firepower and ridding the streets of criminals is such a turn-on.  Oh yeah, she has a thing for older men and I am feeling the more I post that I am getting older.  She’s also bi…bilingual.

    #2 Edith Bunker from All in the Family

    She was the sweetest woman and she put up with all of Archie’s nonsense.  Edith had a great singing voice.  Here’s a strange but true tale:  there was a girl at my college that I had many classes with that my roommate and I referred to as Edith because of the similar resemblance.  The only difference was the hair.  I asked her out but realized that she wasn’t Edith.  Oh well.

    #1 tie Marge Simpson from The Simpsons/ Lois Griffin from Family Guy

    I think the biggest thrill for me with these two is that they are both chubby chasers.  They both put up with their respective husbands’ incompetent boobery.  Both Lois and Marge have kinky sexual tastes; Marge likes to get it on in public and Lois is a dominatrix.  It’s a tough choice so I called it a tie.

    shhhh....I was just trying to see if a post I did a long time ago could be retrieved and get the old copy pasta schtick.

  • Motivation

    I was going to post this earlier but tonight there was so much going on.  The most ridiculous show ever, Amish Mafia, and the season premier of Sons of Anarchy.

    If I ever completely lose my mind, I want to become a professional wrestler called “The Deal” and whenever someone would say something or give me a funny look then I’d scream “YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THE DEAL!”  Then I’d hit them with a barbed wire covered baseball bat.

    Rumor has it that Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance has inspired Guillermo del Toro to begin production on a new horror trilogy.

    So Miley Cyrus did something stupid with hair and did something sexual all up on a one hit wonder.  Can we leave her alone now and get back to scouring the internet for nude photos of celebrities?

    The best thing about the internet is finding attractive people who live far away from you and you fall in love with and will never have anything to do with your sorry ass outside the internet.  Get a life, godfatherofgreenbay, you suck.

    Does losing your virginity to a cucumber count?

    I don’t get why people overhype losing your virginity.  They make it seem like a unicorn will pop out of nowhere and start shooting fireworks from its horn and start dancing on two feet while playing the keytar.  That doesn’t happen.  There is no keytar.

    I really wish twerking would be over and die a quick death like gangam style.

    I really wish I had someone to say nice things to.  I would be so awesome at saying nice things.  I’d say things like, “Nice ass, sugar tits.”

    I’m really not sure if I’m getting smarter or the world is getting stupider.  Maybe I should go stick my finger in a light socket to see if my theory is correct.

    The best advice I’ve ever been given was “don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.”  Thanks for the advice, grandpa.

    Why is underwear so expensive?  It’s just some fabric that covers your junk.  Underwear should be given out free because the government wants us to practice modesty.

    Imagine if James Bond was a woman.  I believe she would be called Jane Bond.  Now imagine her love interests and their extremely sexual names.  I think one would be Dick McHugeballs.

    Boobs are so awesome.  I want to cover everything in my house with boobs but not in a weird way.

    I like boobs and that is why I eat ice cream with all my meals because I don’t want to lose mine.  At least I have some to play with.

    Dave Chappelle recently walked off the stage during a stand-up performance because people wanted him to do catchphrases from his TV show.  I think it’s stupid that they’d be yelling his catchphrases at him while he’s trying to perform.  I can fart the theme song to Cheer and Fraiser but I wouldn’t do it while Kelsey Grammer was performing MacBeth.

    I think bombing Syria will send them a message but that message will just be a spam email telling them how they can enlarge their penises.

    This World War III hysteria over Syria seems to be the predictable result of a generation whose entire understanding of world relations and foreign policy is based on video games and Ron Paul blogs.

    People say we should talk about the real news like Syria instead of focusing on Miley Cyrus.  I guess everyone is ignoring my “Twerk for Syria” campaign.  Progress can only start with compromise, people.

    I’m also disliking all this Syria talk because Damascus was also a city in the Bible and that’s inspired the Baptist church to come knocking on my door saying that Judgment Day is now eminent because once Damascus falls then there will be a battle at Meggido and Barack Obama will be leading the troops.

    I think it would be nice to own a Dalmatian but 101 seems like it would be a tad irresponsible.

    Thank gawd poems don’t have to rhyme because now I can say this is all poetry and if you disagree I’ll kick you in the poet bag.

    In my head, I sound like a pre-teen girl.  On recordings, I sound like Lurch from The Addams Family.  I know everyone thinks their own voice sounds weird but I really think “I could be in a boy-band” and I’m pretty sure people who hear me think, “I wonder how many people he’s murdered after luring them into a windowless van.”

    I find it weird that so many people just give their bikes away.  The other day I went by this building and there were like dozens of bikes.  I only took 5.  I thought I’d let someone else have some.

    I celebrated Labor Day by Netflix by Netflix and then Netflix.

    I got an unpaid intern to celebrate Labor Day for me.

    I’ve found it interesting how in recent Adam Sandler movies he always has a prestigious career and hot wife or romantic lead and they absolutely adore him.  These movies reek of overcompensation.  If a guy like Sandler can get women like that then why am I single?  Oh yeah, I’m writing funny stuff on Xanga and he’s in movies because telling jokes on Xanga makes you a comedian much like wearing skinny jeans makes you skinny.

    I wish someone would love me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt.

    I think the best way to sum up the Bourne movies is by the blaring sound of a French police siren.

    I need one of those around the neck harmonic holders but it would be for food instead like bratwurst, corn on the cob, and cheeseburgers.

    And now for your weekly dose of Motivation:
    Continue reading →

  • Hi everyone! I’m just getting started on Xanga… Drop me a comment if you’ve got some ideas on what to do first – or just to say, “Hi!” 

    I am so alone and in that loneliness I'm calling out to you.
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    I so want to go motorboating.

    So should I have the dubious honor of hosting Xanga 2.0's first contest?  Who wants to win a vibrator?

    If you think you’re having a bad day just remember there are people out there who stick things in their butt for a living

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    Raspberry beer
    India Pale Ale
    Oktoberfest beer
    more India Pale Ale
    even more India Pale Ale
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  • have you ever wanted to get ripped and go on xanga just to see what you would say? I have a feeling all I'd do is ask who wants a vibrator or to sit on my face

  • The Spaghetti Incident

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    Your pasta story is not as good as mine because mine involves a bowl of spaghetti that gets possessed by the spirit of Babe Ruth and becomes the new home run king. And then there's a fusili sculpture of Jerry Seinfeld that gets sat on by George Costanza's dad and then I eat a bowl of penne and it reminds me of my childhood and it causes me to write a story that over the course of 1500 pages becomes apparent it's not about my childhood but about the tragic passing of time and I called the book "Remembrance of Things Pasta". But then Lee Marvin orders a bowl of linguini and I had to bring it to him and he accuses me of bring him spaghetti. He knocks the bowl to the floor and overturns the table. As he storms out of the restaurant he knocks over tables and throws chairs on the wall and slaps other patrons on the back of the head. One such patron was named William Rose who turned his experience into an album title.

    But that is so outlandish that it's im-pasta-ble.

  • Motivation

    The last time someone asked me to come to a party they said I should bring something so I brought a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets. I no longer get invited to parties.

    I hate it when I burn the roof of my mouth but that’s ok because the 1st floor and basement of my mouth usually go unscathed.

    I’ve heard they are set to release a bunch of J.D. Salinger books now that he’s dead. I bet the first one will be a biography of Van Halen.

    Life is a very complex “Choose Your Own Adventure” book that ends the same way no matter what adventure you choose.

    Bruce Willis will always make action movies because you know what they say about old habits.

    The last time I went to a doctor she asked me if I exercised and I said, “Kinda.” She checked the “no” box on the form. Not all of us can run two marathons every weekend like you, you fascist cow.

    Lately, I’ve felt that it isn’t a real car ride if I don’t hear “Blurred Lines” about 54 times.

    “Blurred Lines” is a catchy song in the same way “Ring Around the Rosie” is and then you are shocked when you find out what it’s about and never want to sing it again until you hear it on a Kidz Bop CD.

    Robin Thicke should’ve called a foul on Miley Cyrus at the VMAs since he was dressed like a referee.

    If you think all boobs are supposed to be big and perky with nickel-sized nipples then you have probably never seen one in real life because boobs are diverse as all hell.

    It’s strange how the Obama family’s first dog is named Bo. B.O. is the president’s initials. I wish I could be that vain and name my next pet MW or MEW.

    Instead of shaming people for farting in public we should praise them for their courage and bravery.

    Every day between new episodes of Breaking Bad is stupid and pointless.

    I love how people equate marijuana with enlightenment because the most profound thing I ever thought of was a Sigmund Freud moment when I deduced that babies must suck their thumbs because of a desire for oral sex. I also thought Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” synched up pretty good with “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”.

    I wonder how much “crime” is just people wanting food, healthcare, and a place to live or to copy something they saw on TV.

    I find it strange that it’s OK for the government and police to listen in on your phone conversations but if I listened in on your phone conversations, especially the ones to you know who, I’d get thrown into jail.

    I was saddened to see people back to school shopping and still buying Angry Birds merchandise.

    Please play with my penis and not my emotions.

    I went to an after hours clinic. I was hoping there’d be more hot wings and beer and less sick people.

    Dogs can see ghosts. Dogs hate vacuum cleaners. Therefore vacuum cleaners pick up ghosts and trap them. Your mind is now blown. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

    I was watching Shawshank Redemption and I started wondering how long it would be before they made a remake. I know it would be stupid but has that ever stopped movie studios? I have a feeling it’s been suggested but got shot down. I reckon they’ll make a sequel first. I bet Andy will get mixed up with a drug cartel and cooks their books and gets hooked on cocaine. Then they hatch a plan on how to kill the boss and take over the cartel. It will also deal with how Red sees that the outside has changed Andy drastically. I see the movie ending with a shoot-out and Andy will scream, “Get busy dying, bitch.” Red will reply, “I can’t die. I’m too busy living.” Then Andy dies. I really need to get laid.

    How come they make all this stuff from Star Trek but we have no TARDIS? At least can I get a sonic screwdriver?

    Joey Fatone is the announcer of Family Feud. Well there is at least one thing One Direction has to look forward to.

    The other day I checked my bank account online. While it was loading I did a drum roll and shouted “BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY!” It didn’t work just like it doesn’t work on game shows.

    Most every school district in Wisconsin started today. This explains why there was a shortage of mimosas in this state.

    I was at the bar the other day and angrily told my beer, “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Apparently the more I drink, the more outdated my pop culture references get.

    Rumor has it that Bryan Kranston will be playing Lex Luthor in the Superman sequel which means he’ll probably be able to make kryptonite with a 99% purity.

    Ben Affleck is also rumored to be the next Batman. This means that the new Bat signal will be a photo of Matt Damon.

    So you’re saying if I get a tattoo on my face I’ll never have to work another day in my life? SOLD!

    The NSA collected thousands of emails in 2011. Just for the record, that email I sent to Lady Gaga was written ironically. I’m too pretty for jail.

    I had so much work to do this weekend but then Netflix.

    If you’re not yawning at church then you’re probably yawning somewhere else.

    My dentist told me I needed a crown and I replied, “I know, right?!?!?!”

    Eating raw Pop Tarts is the closest I’ll get to sushi.

    A lot of people overestimate my ability to make comments about my abilities being overestimated.

    I bought a pair of Siamese cats and was disappointed to find out they weren’t even connected.

    My current relationship status: people tell me I have an awesome personality.

    I just ate 6 fun size Snickers bars and, boy, did I have fun.

    One day I plan on telling my kids, “When I was a kid MTV played music videos, there were seeds in watermelons, and Michael Jackson had a normal face.” Also when I have kids and when they’re born if people ask me how much they weigh I’ll tell them their weight in metric tons. “Godfather Jr. weighed .00032 metric tons. I’m not really sure how much that is in pounds.”

    “Dueling Banjos” would be more enjoyable if it was two hillbillies beating each other senseless with banjos.

    When Jesus said, “Do not cast your pearls before swine,” I think he was saying that jewelry should be worth less than bacon.

    I’m toying with writing a police drama set in Iceland. The cop will go to a lady’s door and knock. “Ma’am, there’s no easy way to say this but your husband fell into volcano Eyjafjallajökull.”

    I had a student say he wanted to become a teacher just like Indiana Jones. WHAT A MORON! They didn’t give me a whip when I became a teacher.

    I wonder if a car’s parents freak out when it gets a bumper sticker.

    I bet the other people in the village are all like, “Where are the Indian, the police officer, the cowboy, the construction worker, and that one army guy?”

    If I had to parallel park my SUV during the American Revolution, I would’ve mowed down the British army all by myself.

    People usually lose me at “you had me at”.

    Bathrooms by pools are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

    My mom said she got new luggage. I started crying. She asked me why I was crying. I said, “Oh I’m just case sensitive.”

    I was talking about my old fashioned phones and my little cousin asked if a rotisserie phone was hard to use. I said, “Oh yeah, a phone covered in sauces and spices roasting over a heat source, it was extremely difficult to place calls, shithead.”

    I think my kindness is about as convincing as Homer Simpson’s combover.

    I miss the days when a guy had to ask a girl’s parents if he could take her out, where a girl could be beautiful wearing a skirt below the knees, when the bubonic plague decimated villages throughout Europe and left a third of the population dead. Recommend this post if you agree.

    I have said that people who don’t like macaroni and cheese should burn in the fiery pits of hell but when I tell girls that I don’t like the bun hairstyle that suddenly makes me an oppressor of women whose penis should be cut off.

    I think the most useless comment a person could make is “It looks like it’s going to rain.” If there’s a big black cloud in the sky what else do you think it’s going to do, molest your pets? Steal all the food from your cupboards? Finish your math homework? Program your VCR? It’s going to produce precipitation of some sort and it’s nothing noteworthy.

    Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?

    I always got so hungry when I was in Earth Science class because the teacher always made the Earth sound like a dessert when he talked about the earth having a solid center with hot layers and a thin crust.

    I had my MP3 palyer on shuffle and it went from a Tori Amos song to a Macho Man Randy Savage song. I think this is telling me that my spirit animal is a sheep that likes to do flying elbows off the top rope.

    Have you ever noticed that when you get older you enjoy things you hated as a kid such as naps and being spanked?

    Why do people brag about not reading? That goes to show that you just have a sillinggolinagollingbeenman…just to see if anyone is reading. But seriously do you want people thinking you’re a dullard because you think it’s cool not to read?

    Have you ever had to tell someone “shut up” and then they replied “make me” and you were tempted to shove your dick down their throat?

    “I love Big Macs and I will eat them all the time. I don’t give a McFuck.” -The guy from Wisconsin that’s averaged eating two Big Macs a day since 1972. The first day he had a Big Mac he enjoyed it so much he ate 8 others. Don Gorske is a legend.

    Why aren’t pro-lifers trying to ban vasectomies? That makes more sense than all the bans on birth control.

    Some day I hope the good people at Trojan Condoms buy the naming rights to a baseball or football stadium. Couldn’t you hear the announcers, “Welcome to the safe and snug confines of Trojan Condom field, a field where the home team isn’t guaranteed to let the other team score.”

    Pick-up line guaranteed for failure: Hey, baby, are you a scientist? I want to do you on a table periodically.

    I think you should send me some nude pics so I can tell you how disappointed your parents will be.

    Given how politically correct we are becoming, it’s only a matter of time that making fun of someone for being stupid will be called intelligence shaming.

    I was thinking of making a new Xanga account but SwedishMadePenisLengtheningPumps is not a valid username.

    I’m pretty sure Xanga has made me a more open-minded person and at the same time a more judgmental person.

    I’m not always sure what we accomplish on Xanga except angering others or making me feel stupid.

    Some of the filthiest Xangans are also some of the nicest. That’s a plug for you to think I’m nice and not your average run of the mill asshole.

    You don’t have to like me here at Xanga. I’m on your computer screen and not in your life unless you consider Xanga to be your life. If that’s the case, you have major problems.

    When people say they love my posts I imagine they actually pity my lonely existence.

    I’ve blogged about my life, opinions, and feelings and sometimes I get death threats so that’s a pretty good indication to Xanga’s concept of blogging. God bless you, Xanga 2.0!

    So this is my first post. This is strange. Who do I contact to see if my donation went through? I'll have to screw around with this to figure out how to do stuff.