Jesus...cultural icon...dj...homeboy...movie star...athlete?  So I was recently and reluctantly surfing the worldwide web and I happened across a catholic goods site that sells inspirational statues for children.  They are athletic statues of our Lord and Savior.

Here we see Jesus teaching kids how to hit a hanging curveball.  I wonder if Jesus pitched for the Chicago White Sox and refused to hit an opposing batter with a pitch, would Ozie Guillen pull him out of the game.  Probably not, because Jesus would give Ozzie a sermon on the mound and teach Ozzie that the meek are blessed and not the blood-thirsty hate-filled managers of the American League.

Jesus is playing soccer.  Afterall, it is the most popular sport in the world.  Many Americans, mostly NASCAR fans, would probably be upset with Jesus for playing soccer but Jesus doesn't headbutt people like Zidane.

Here Jesus is running a relay race.  I wish Jesus was my track coach way back when I was able to run.  He is the Son of God so how fast is he?  I'm sure he is exerting no effort keeping up with these kids and he is only wearing sandals, but the question still remains...how fast was Jesus?  Some things the Passion of the Christ just did not answer.  Maybe Mel Gibson can make a sequel to the passion and incorporate a sequel to White Men Can't Jump and add a dash of Schindler's List...he could call it...Jews Can Run but Not Malibu because Mel Gibson Runs Malibu.

I always thought hockey was about fighting and losing teeth.  Apparently not when Jesus is your coach.  It's strange but no one seems happy in this statue.  Maybe Jesus is focused on his return to the NHL where he can square off against his archenemy Satan...Miroslav Satan that is formerly of the Boston Bruins.  Here he is...oh he looks evil!

Tennis, anyone?  Well, sure, anything for Jesus!  Did you know the only time I've been in love is when I play tennis.  I bet few will get that.

Jesus presents Swan Lake

Jesus is playing golf with a girl.  Jesus doesn't discriminate even if "GOLF" stands for "Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden".

Kung-fu Jesus, omnipotent Sensei.  I wonder if Jesus would teach me the Five-Point Palm exploding heart technique.

Jesus the downhill skier.  Wow!  I've heard it gets cold up in the mountains but Jesus warms everyone with his love.

Extreme sports Jesus!  Isn't there something in the Bible about putting God to the test?

Jesus the gymnastics coach.  I can't see Jesus being as mean and hateful as the United States gymnastics coach that calls his scrawny gymnasts fat to get them motivated to win the gold.  With Jesus you are always a medal winner. 

Give up the rock, Jesus!  Ha ha...I used to play that joke on my cousins when I was taller and they were shorter.  It was always fun to see them get frustrated at me for holding the ball in the air higher than they could reach.  Maybe this is just the tip-off.

Jesus playing football the way it was meant to be played...on the ground.  Jesus knows the running game is what football is all about and here Jesus is running the option to perfection.  How can you tackle our Lord and Savior?  You can't because Jesus will either run through you, juke you, or pitch the ball. 

So don't think I am going to hell because I thought this collection was different in a unique way and wanted to add some good-hearted Christian humor to the statues....oh who am I kidding?  I'm going to hell because I thought these statues were the strangest thing I've seen since this:

Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

The first rule of toddler fight club is there shouldn’t be a toddler fight club.

I’ve decided to start home brewing energy drinks.  All it takes is some high fructose corns yrup, rat poison, and a shard of meth.

Worst song to get a lap dance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

They always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  I say opinions are like assholes so you better watch what you say when you’re in prison.

There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering if Satan’s name really isn’t Satan and that there was a typo and it’s actually Stan?

It’s always amazing to me that when I first started using the internet my parents always told me to be careful of strangers but strangers on the internet seem to care more for me than people I know in real life.

A man walks into a baa and the sheep apologizes even though he has no clue how the man had a physical interaction with his speech when it is not a somatic object.

I may do things that are unspeakable but there is never anything I can do that is unblogable.

I remember psychology class in high school and when we discussed Oedipus complexes a girl said she thought she had that.  She was later diagnosed as a hypochondriac.

Every time I see the word “vegan” I think it says “vagina”and I get all anxious only to find out it’s going to be someone berating me because I’m human and partaking of typical human behavior and I don’t value animals over human beings.

I’m not sure what the difference is between a hotel and a motel but I’m fairly certain it has to do with the price of the hookers standing out front.

Ladies, the best compliment a guy can give you is a boner.

There are a lot of things I don’t regret but one of those things isn’t getting “Mary had a Little Lamb” stuck in my head today.

I hate when people in Wisconsin say that winter is approaching therefore they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm.  Come on, get a fucking coat like the rest of us single people.

I was shocked when I heard most circuses beat their elephants.  Here I thought they beat all their animals.  Why do the tigers get offso easily?

I admit it.  I use emoticons but I do it just to make sure my writing isn’t misinterpreted as being sarcastic.  jk lolz XD

I feel doubly alone lately. I’m single and I think I’m the only person who owns a Bob Marley album that doesn’t smoke weed.

I may or may not sing “Call Me Maybe” at karaoke in the style of Snarf from Thundercats.

The thing I hate most about politics is that if you legitimately care about your country and want to help it but the cutthroat nature of it prevents you from doing jack shit. And this is because of both sides bickering.  The only thing they all agree on is getting pay increases.

I sort of want to be in a reality show.  And by that I mean I’d like to have a show about my life and not be in the cast of one of those Jersey Shore “did you piss in my food” type reality shows.

What if you met a girl on the internet and you fell in love with her and then when you met her in real life you learned that she was really a butterfly who had spent the past few months flying from key to key in order to win your heart and then the butterfly convinced you to reciprocate the love?  Would you crush the butterfly with a flyswatter or with your bare hands?

I watch a lot of commercials and I notice that whenever someone uses hair conditioner they move in slow motion.  I use conditioner all the time but I never move in slow motion.  Maybe it’s because I’m fat and am already slow or maybe I haven’t quite gotten down lather, rinse,and repeat.

I think my only hope at this time to fall in love is to find someone who is deathly afraid of dying alone and propose a contract of marriage and then…BOOM…no longer alone.

99 cents for a bag of Skittles?  You almost caught me, Walmart.  I know there is this thing called sales tax.  Welcome to Obama’s America.

Why is it called a hamburger if there’s no ham in it?  I could totally be an 80s comedian but I’d need a mullet and shoulder pads in my shirts.

Whenever I hear someone talk about Bible verses I think they’re saying “versus” so I start thinking of the Bible vs. Mike Tyson.

When you can’t find a parking space in a parking lot it should be called a parking little.

A friend of mine got a job writing sheet music for a movie soundtrack.  When he told me I said“Score!”  He laughed uncomfortably.

People with big Eggos are waffle people.

Look, I’m not saying you NEED to or HAVE to but if you ever need to dump a dead hooker’s body, Arizona is the best bet.

Since when is a thesaurus not a dinosaur?  IF we told kids they were then they would use them more often.

I think what would heal all America’s ills is a bill that would require all pornos to include the line “Do you want fries with that,” after every money shot.

American may be falling apart politically and financially but at least we have the most swag.

How can anyone hate animals? I don’t get it.  Well…except platypuses.  Those things are creepy and shit.  Fuck platypuses.

Sorry I haven’t been getting these out.  I’m just too horny for blogging.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

All I want in a relationship is cuddling, making out,watching Netflix, rough sex, and to be left alone while I watch ESPN or read.

Love is essentially an addiction to another person and if Dr. Drew and science have taught me anything it’s that addiction is never a good thing.

I just heard some disturbing news.  Brace yourselves.  There are no longer any toys at the bottom of cereal boxes.  I know.  This is awful.  Kids should just hurl themselves off the nearest cliff because their childhood is obviously ruined.

I just saw a movie trailer with Vin Diesel in it that wasn’t a Fast and Furious movie.  I am so confused now.  It’s a remake of a movie that Vin Diesel starred in years ago and Vin Diesel is playing the same character in the same role with the same lines. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR NOW!

Never underestimate the power of boobs.

People sometimes inquire about my sexuality.  I guess it’s best described as “I want to kiss girls and totally get drunk and dry hump but no one wants to kiss or dry hump me. What the hell is wrong with you assholes?”

I love checking my text messages to make sure I keep having none.

Did parents have to pay tuition to send their children to Hogwarts?  Or was there an underfunded and ignored public magic school that never got talked about?

I remember the first time I was exposed to incense.  I went into a hippie shop and asked what thatsmell was and they said incense.  So I bought some and when I got home my mom asked what that smell was and since I just learned I mispronounced it and said incest.

My dad hated me as a child. He’d make me stick my finger in the light socket as a form of punishment and then he’d say, “You’re grounded now.” He always kept current with forms of torture.

Is a blowjob really asking for much?  Apparently it is if you’re at Burger King.

I get so upset whenever I hear that Blurred Lines song.  It’s not because I hate the song it’s because whenever I hear it I’m expecting to see a 1970s sitcom about an African American family struggling to make ends meet.

It’s way easier remembering the name of people’s pets than their names.

I’m not a mourning person. People die all the time.

The closest Burger King to me is sort of like Cheers.  The only thing is there are more mentally challenged people and crazy homeless people hanging out there and then I’m Norm.

I saw a beautiful girl on a Razor Scooter and wear Crocs.  I’m questioning everything I know and believe right now.

What’s the difference between sex and gender?  One of them is a sin.  Sorry ladies. That joke brought to you by the He-Man Woman Haters Evangelical Foundation.

People think it’s dangerous that I wear headphones while I ride my bike in the country.  If they only knew that I listen to mp3 loops of traffic noise and sirens.  It sure beats the sound of nothing and the Amish.

Why don’t they make Playboy a 300 page book so us guys can call it a romance novel?

I don’t get why women get offended when you ask them their age and get angry when you forget their birthdays.

Any pizza is a personal pizza if it murdered your family and you’re seeking revenge.

I’m starting to eat healthier.  I no longer lick the cheese off the wrapper on my fast food burgers.

Since I’m fat I like to pretend to get drunk after one drink so people call me a lightweight.

Remember when Xanga was fun? No?  Good!  You’ve freed yourself from the lies.

It seems like everywhere you go people look for reasons to shit on one another and I know it’s not exclusive to Xanga but it used to be so obvious here.

The most disgusting thing I’ve seen on Xanga are posts that say, “If you’re friends with ______ or ______ then you can’t be my friend.”  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?!?!?  I’ve seen kids on playgrounds act more civilized than that. I’ll do you a favor and block you so you don’t have to worry about any of my friends being icky for you.  And besides that, if you are so “open minded” why are you only wanting people to have one belief?

Xanga is a playground for psychologists.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

New Xanga motto: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”

New Xanga motto: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

I’m actually really glad I am a Xanga user because there is no greater joy than knowing someone is willing to listen and readily laughs at some of my dumbest thoughts.

I got sunburn on my left arm today and I didn't even drive anywhere.  It was the half of me that is white so I guess that means I'm fully Native American now.  No clue.  Crap it's my good arm too.  Well I guess it's off to bed.

These are movie names that could describe what it's like when you take a poop

1.  Twister
2.  Operation Dumbo Drop
3.  Remains of the Day
4.  Children of the Corn
5.  The Blob
6.  Grease
7.  Titanic
8.  The Rock
9.  Clear and Present Danger
10.  Tremors
11.  Splash
12.  Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
13.  The Fast and the Furious
14.  Little Giants
15.  Run Silent Run Deep
16.  Crimson Tide
17.  Back Draft
18.  What Lies Beneath
19.  Major Payne
20.  Deep Impact
21.  The Great Escape
22.  The Right Stuff
23.  The Never Ending Story
24.  Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
25.  Misery
26.  Blazing Saddles
27.  Stuck on You
28.  Big Trouble in Little China
29.  The Natural
30.  Every Which Way but Loose
31.  A Star is Born
32.  The Accidental Tourist
33.  Blast from the Past
34.  Exit Wounds
35.  Waiting to Exhale
36.  Legends of the Fall
37.  Strange Brew
38.  Stand and Deliver
39.  Something Wicked This Way Comes
40.  True Grit
41.  Extreme Measures
42.  No Way Out
43.  Down to You
44.  The Unsinkable Molly Brown
45.  Scent of a Woman
46.  The Big Red One
47.  Something's Gotta Give
48.  Hope Floats
49.  Born Free
50.  The Big Squeeze

Grapefruit are such a turn-on

The Vikings' Super Bowl wins are just like 7-Up...Never Have, Never Will

#6 - Most "Stupid Quotes" of any Congress, ever
#5 - Redefined "Obstructionism"
#4 - Made the phrase "Batshit crazy" mainstream
#3 - Drew a paycheck
#2 - Attempted to repeal one law, FORTY times, unsuccessfully
#1 Got the most hemorrhoids from sitting on their collective asses

Doctor Who is awesome

If I want to go to jail, this will be my Halloween costume.

Well it's not a family if that is for a member of the British royal family....the lot of inbreeds.

Yeah, you'd need a bottle of Jack that big to get past the fact that you're boning a relative.

Why isn't this a show?

Just like T-Rex, Guy Fieri can only see movement.  Don't take a bite of those fries or he'll be in there and frost your tips and then make you eat spicy dessert pizza.

XANGA!

Have a wonderful time!

In case any of you had any questions about who I am/was.  I was recently asked on Tumblr to write something about myself and here’s what I wrote.

Have you ever had a revelation about the future of your life at an inopportune time and then resigned yourself to the fact that this would happen?  Well today I was listening to this show on satellite radio that was about strippers and face sitting.  The host was describing this one stripper’s butt and then revealed that he could see her vagina and then he started to describe the outline of her vagina and before he knew it she took off her panties to show him.  Well I was fully erect and enjoying that feeling because it has been a while and then I realized I’m going to die alone.

I was doing some renovations in my bathroom the other day.  I was caulking around my bathtub and I sneezed and somehow got caulk in my mouth.  Never call Poison Control asking if it’s bad to have caulk in your mouth.  They’ll hang up on you.

I was gone for a while the other night and I found that my cats had tore open and destroyed a bag of catnip.  I knew they were high when they came bounding down my stairs and greeted me with “Like, meow, man.”

One of the reasons I sleep so much is that my dreams are better than my real life.

Hunting is one of the only sports that one of the contestants doesn’t know it’s participating.

Girls don’t like nerds. I have to face facts.  These Magic: The Gathering cards aren’t going to get my dick sucked.

The best type of chicks are the ones who get offended at being called chicks.  I remember a friend who called a girl a chick and she had a mental breakdown and started screaming that she wasn’t a chicken and then she started clucking.  People had to drag her away.  That was the greatest thing I ever saw at church.

It’s been really hard to gain eprops in this economy.

One of my dreams as a kid was that I’d become a despotic ruler and conquer a people and use the skull of one of their leaders as a bowl to drink and eat things out of.  Sigh…I guess there’s still time to achieve my dreams.

I tend to judge people based on how they hang their toilet paper on the roll.  And also how uptight they are because I break into their houses in the middle of the night to find out how they hang their toilet paper.

Did you know President Obama was born on August 6^th1961?  It’s very strange because August +4 + 1 + 96+ 1 = 420.  420!  I don’t think Barack will be able to sweet talk his way out of this one.  Man, I have to quit writing these after smoking weed because for a while there I thought “August” was a number.

Vegans are calling people who eat meat “blood mouths”.  One of my exgirlfriends called me that and refused to kiss me because of it.

A woman I know got wooden breast implants.  This joke doesn’t have a punchline but it would be funny if there was one, wooden tit? Also I ate two pieces of string this afternoon and two hours later they came out tied together.  I shit you knot.

You know some days I can crank out these jokes like a factory using illicit Chinese child labor but then there are some days where my joke writing is like a factory in the United States where the union is on strike.

I’m sort of worried when the next generation starts running for high office.  Imagine the scandals because of all the Facebook fights and nude pics that got traded.  God bless America.

You know in 2016 it’s going to be pretty interesting to see how the Republicans will act when the Democrats throw out a white guy for president.  It seems like their big strategy is talking down the President because he and his wife are black Muslim terrorists from Kenya.  How are they going to handle a dude that looks like them?  Will both sides actually have to discuss the issues?

I got escorted out for my Fozie Bear impression, consisting of me telling bad jokes and wearing nothing but a hat and tie.  That was the absolute worst Subway restaurant ever.  I’m never going back there because they are so judgmental and seriously that 6 inch sandwich has to be longer than six inches.

A friend once told me there was nothing better in this world than holding his girlfriend’s hand in his hand. I said, “Shit, son, you’ve never been to a Chinese restaurant when they bring out fresh crab rangoons.”  Is there any wonder why I’m single?

I hate how they have special parking spots for environmentally friendly cars.  I’ll just park my SUV in one and leave it running with the air conditioner on and the windows running while I go shopping at Walmart.

Imagine yourself playing hockey and someone from the other team comes up and checks you so hard it knocks you down and then you realize you’ve lost your front teeth.  You are bleeding profusely and see all the blood on the ice along with your teeth.  Then the guy who knocked them out comes and skates to you and stops sending ice in your face.  You realize it’s your dentist and he says to you, “That wouldn’t have happened if you flossed more.”  Then he skates off into the sunset laughing maniacally.

Why do they call it “Adult Swim” when you have to be 12 to get the humor on some of the shows?

Does anyone remember Tim Tebow?  ESPN hasn’t reported on him in 15 seconds so he must be dead.

People ask me how I am so funny.  Simple answer is I think of something dumb and then I say it.

I sort of wish people dated like birds.  Like if I wanted a girl I’d dress in bright colors and dance to get her attention. Man, if only I had a time machine to travel back to the 80s.

No, I can’t help you with your taxes but if you ever need to know the order of the U.S.presidents or the capitals of the states in the U.S., I’m your man.

I want a love story similar to Cloverfield.  Someone would risk their life while a giant monster ravages the city to come find me. I doubt people would come looking for me if they were suffering from something like a hangnail or papercut.

Whatever happened to the Occupy movement?  Did they go home to occupy their own streets?

I can’t believe it’s 2013 and we can’t print out or instantly get the food we see on the internet. I blame Obama.

Meryl Streep is such a phenomenal actress.  She could play the Hulk and you’d believe it.  She could play Obama and make it believable.  She could be the Little Mermaid and we’d lavish her with awards. She could play my mom and then I’d actually love her.  Meryl could portray a rock and her performance would bring me to tears.  She could play me and do a much better job being me than me.

I still think the reason my love life is in shambles is because I never forwarded any of those chain emails.

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.

There used to be a store in these parts called Crazy Frank's. Now it's just called Frank's. He got his prescription filled.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I just got kicked out of the casino. I was playing roulette and got in an argument over what was an odd number. 26 is weird to me.

Chris Brown recently announced that he was quitting the music business because of the negative public opinion of him.  In other news, sales of tiny violins are skyrocketing.

I have been bouncing theories about a potential connection between The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad all over the internet today.  The worst theory I’ve heard are what my cats had to say…meow.

Two paraplegics got into an argument at an impotency clinic today.  It’s OK though, there’s no hard feelings between them.

If Dr. Who is a guy who rarely wears pants or shirts during the summer and has random food stuck in his chest hair then I’ll be the perfect choice for the 13^th Doctor.

Speaking of Dr. Who, I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

I told my neighbor he should name his dog Anthony Weiner because whenever I’m outside watering my plants the dog rolls over and shows me his junk.

You should always shoot for the stars because even if you miss them they are dead by the time their light reaches us.

I’m convinced that Jim Gaffigan is actually Phillip Seymour Hoffman merely acting like a buffoon.

When I was in kindergarten I was disappointed when we had afire drill.  I was expecting this badass drill that shot out fire but all I got was walking in a single file line to the end of the playground.

I need to get laid and by “laid” I mean having an intimate experience with someone I care very much about.

I’ve decided I want to be cremated but not when I die.  Just surprise me whenever.  I like surprises.

I believe that in the Bible they mention that Jesus had brothers and sisters and in fact there was a theory that he had a brother named James.  Could you imagine having to live up to your brother and also what would those Christmas letters be like?  “Oh and our son Jesus is the Savior of all of mankind and our son James is attending Jerusalem community college and has apart-time job at Frank’s Falafel Hut.”

I relate to Dale Gribble in so many ways.

Who wants to go down to my town’s lake and do some naked fishing but forget the fishing part?

I don’t really like when people say, “I’m colorblind and I don’t care if a person is white, black, red, yellow, or purple.”  YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE IF A PERSON IS PURPLE!  It means they’re probably choking and need the Heimlich Manuever.

Who needs the bank when you have a locker at work?

I can tell if a girl is into me just by chatting with her online and giving her my credit card number.

How does my house have so many fruit flies?  I’m not growing fruit in here.

I cut caffeine out of my diet and recently I drank half a bottle of Dr. Pepper.  It kept me up all night.  I didn’t sleep for almost 48hours.  The good news is that I’m now able to do a backflip on my neighbor’s kid’s BMX.

If Jurassic Park existed I’d probably go to it but I’d never go to Jurassic Park 2 or Jurassic Park 3.  Those places were totally lame.

I’m glad the thing about getting an STD from a toilet seat is a myth because I have sex with so many toilets and wearing a condom totally takes away from the sensation.

People tell me that I have a warm heart.  It’s probably because of my high cholesterol and blood pressure.

I’ve been taking a Statistics class because I thought it would be exciting and fun just like the trailer for Moneyball but instead it’s been long and painfully boring just like the movie Moneyball.

The 10^th person to recommend this post gets an expired coupon for Burger King.

Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.

Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.

People have Xanga crushes on everyone who isn’t me.

All my snobbiness aside, it is pretty shitty when you block someone on Xanga because they like Nickelback, wear Crocs, or have different political views than you.

I may not have thousands of friends on Xanga or hundreds of commenters but I’m thankful for those I have because you put up with all my shit.

I was originally going to title this one "Tales of an Enlarged Prostate" but I was voted down.  In other news, you now know what I've been up to.

Why is it that chickens are the only acceptable animal to eat before they’re born and after they’re dead?

I am single and ready to Christian mingle.

I imagine the day we drown our robot masters after they become self-aware will look an awful lot like synchronized swimming

Since I am alone and looking for fun, I’m going to buy some parrots and teach them every curse word in the book so that way they’ll start shouting out their curses and my neighbors will call the police thinking I’m having a fight with another human.  The police will visit my house investigating a domestic disturbance.  Hopefully the police officer is a lady cop.

I’ve had dreams of my death lately.  I die of a stroke while listening to The Strokes.  I usually say, “Oh my gosh,this is totally ironic.”  Everyone around me hears, “GURGLEAHWOADFASNKLFAU” because I’m having a stroke.

I know I make a lot of typos in these posts.  I usually blame it on how when you paste inan MS Word doc into the text editor a lot of the words get bunched together.  The thing is I’m always multitasking.  Typing and being awesome is a difficult thing to balance.

I just got really depressed and started crying for the strangest reason ever.  I will never fart in a wedding dress.

I sometimes get the feeling that Fifty Shades of Grey was written by the high school counselor on Freaks and Geeks.  Oh in other news, I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey.

Most of Amsterdam smells like what mine and my brother’s room would smell like after we watched Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah it got so bad because I didn’t have a brother.

I’m trying to figure out how I can get one of those Miley Cyrus or Ryan Seacrest jobs where you’re paid just to exist.

I have a Wikipedia page and I edited my nickname to be Axel Hardcock and my source is “your mom”.

I think the reason so many radical feminists hate men is because there’s never a line for the men’s room.

When I say, “I feel you,” I mean that I feel your vibes on a deep and spiritual basis like as if we are connected and I’m fingering your soul.

The head of lettuce that I’ve stored in my refrigerator was so wet I could only assume it was looking at naked photos of me.

If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry.  2.  It will never happen again.  3.  #1and 2 are lies.  4.  You should get off the internet.

If you ever feel that you can’t like up to others’ expectations, try walking a mile in Doug Pitt’s shoes.

If I ever re-post jokes from older posts don’t get offended.  I recycle jokes because Al Gore said something about reducing my humor footprint.  He even made a cute PowerPoint about it.  It won him a middle school science fair blue ribbon.

Things I like about fall: leaves change color, rain, cloudy skies, hoodies, hot apple cider, pumpkin patches, Halloween, and the fact that when you step outside it doesn’t feel like you walked right into Satan’s asshole.

I’ve found that the best way to get people to follow the Bible is to write verses in blood on their doors.  Who knew pig’s blood could be such a powerful motivator?

I was thinking of starting a challenge here.  If you pick any Disney animated character and search through Google images with the character’s name and Rule 34 and you don’t find any porn then you win the internet.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were woken up by someone breaking into your house and your leg had fall asleep so you’d have to get away with a gimpy leg?  These are things that keep me up at night making sure all my guns are loaded and my legs don’t fall asleep.

I was listening to Hoarders and the woman was so pathetic.  I just wish I could see what she looks like but these old newspapers, Pepsi cans, liquor bottles, baby dolls, and plastic bags are blocking my TV.

My “walk of shame” is when I walk back to the McDonald’s counter and order two McDoubles to go.  Like I’m fooling anyone into thinking that I’m going to eat them later.

I was thinking I should do more sex jokes but sex jokes aren’t funny, I mean, cum on people!

A lot of people have told me that The Shining is a horror movie.  I never saw it as something scary.  The scariest thing about that movie was the carpet patterns.  Yes, that was a carpet pattern comment!  Take that for what you will but I love women.

There is nothing better than when a love song plays during a fight scene in an action movie because you know that something big is going to happen and by big it usually involves boobs.

I think we should all join together and bully bullying until it kills itself and then we start bullying the people who claim to be open-minded but won’t listen to or recognize other people’s opinions.

I sometimes pretend to like bands just to seem cool and impress people.  I would always drop the line, “But their older stuff was much better”. And that always made people think I was a true fan.  So now you can use that bit of information to impress people.

Yeah, I’m eating a sandwich on the couch.  Yeah, the crumbs are falling into the cracks between the cushions.  Yeah, bugs aregoing to come because they’re attracted to those crumbs.  No, I don’t care because I’m punk.  Now to go pay my bills in a timely manner.

Have you ever wondered how celebrities date?  Do they just go up to each other and say,“I’m a fan of your work,” and then they bang? Where do I sign up?

I forget, is it good or bad when your poop sinks to the bottom of the toilet?  Like you needed to finish what you were eating.

I put a slice of baloney in my DVD player and it started playing Babe.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I think the best way women can password protect everything so their male significant others can’t access their accounts is to use your birthday as the password.

I never quite understood the Jedi mind.  It’s weird that a Jedi can detect a planet being blown up on the other side of the galaxy but he can’t tell he’s kissing his sister.

My girlfriend told me she’s more comfortable making eye contact with me when she’s giving me a blowjob than when she’s trying to tell me about how her day went.

Netflix recommended I watch a movie called “Fortress of the Bears”.  Netflix doesn’t know me at all.  I think it’s time we broke up.

Am I horrible person for finding humor in the TV show “Little People, Big World” being sponsored by The Smurfs movie?

The sound of a cat vomiting is nature’s worst alarm clock.

I want to put this whole Paula Deen thing behind us by saying “fuck Paula Deen” but I think that would get people to want to do a remake of “Last Tango in Paris”.

I’ve been thinking of writing a lesbian romantic comedy screenplay.  I’m tentatively calling it “Paula and Paula”.  It’s going to be about a comedian who is trying to jump start her career and life after being accused of child molestation by cooking all the recipes of a Southern cook who has been accused of racism.  Then they meet and hilarity and love and the Ku Klux Klan ensues.

I don’t get how people compare porn stars being rich despite free porn on the internet to bands being rich despite free downloading of music on the internet.  Have you heard of concerts and touring?  When was the last time you went to a porn concert?

I always hate when people see when you have a black eye and ask if you got in a fight and then say they’d hate to see the other guy.  I usually say, “Well it wasn’t a fight and you’d hate to see the other person because it was a girl.  This is a hickey and I got laid.  I’m into some freaky-deaky shit.”

If infinite parallel universes exist then there’s a universe where infinite parallels don’t exist and also one where my head just exploded.

Who died and made you Batman?  Oh wait…sorry for your loss.

I can’t believe how awful our school system is.  They don’t even teach the metric system.  How are children going to know how much a buttload is?  How are they to know how to convert a hella to a shit-ton?

I always enjoy when I hear people say, “I’m not racist because I have black friends.”  Well I’m not sexist because I have a mom.

When I go to the barber and he gets to my sideburns he always asks how I want them and I always say, “Covered with lady thighs.”  One day he’s going to cut off my ears.

Just like love and diamonds, Lyme’s disease is forever.

I love the Friday the 13^th movie series.  Part four is subtitled “The Final Chapter”and there are 6 movies after it.

I’m pretty sure MILF stands for “Mailman I’d Like to Fondle”and that LGBT stands for “Luigi Goomba Bowser Toad”.

I bet that the children of Pompeii were playing “The Floor is Lava”moments before that shit went down. What…too soon?

My best cure for a hangover is watching The Hangover movies.

Guess what everyone…I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP!  Carbs and I are planning on moving in together soon.

Not only did the Pope recently say he can’t judge homosexuals who seek out God, he also said it was totally cool if you wrote “balls” on someone’s head if they pass out before 11 because that means they’re a total lightweight.

“You haven’t seen “Orange is the New Black”?” is the new “you haven’t see “The Wire”?”.

After watching "Orange is the New Black" I think my new pick-up line is "I'd throw my pie for you."

I take my concussions like I take my coffee: hot dog piano cuff links.

Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talents.  Ladies, did you know I’m a superhero in my spare time?  My name is Captain Cunnilingus.

Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, and Mao Zedong walk into a bar and millions of people die.

“John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” is a song that’s really about identity theft.

Ladies with small breasts please know that you are appreciated.  Petite breasts are so nice,cute, great, and pretty.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  You can always send me photos if you want to know if your breasts are appreciated.

Next thing you know people are going to tell me that the girl from Die Antwoord isn’t Dakota Fanning. Please!  I know a white woman when I see one.

I like to add myself to my college’s notable alumni Wikipedia section but someone keeps taking it off.  Hey!  I once had 50 eprops on a post and none were from Malaysian trolls or my dummy accounts.

Emotions suck. Sometimes I wish I was a bagel.

I want to start a relationship with a girl and really get to know her.  Then maybe we fall in love and kiss and hug all the time.  Maybe we make love and move in together.  Then I will rob her.

I wish Xanga was like Survivor and we could vote people off the site.  Maybe that will be a feature of Xanga 2.0.

No matter how beautiful you are there’s always going to be someone out there who will find you ugly just because they have to be contrarian.  And that explains so much Xanga drama.

I think we shouldn’t date people on Xanga unless you can give that person more validation than their other Xanga friends.

I like when teenagers give advice on Datingish.  My socks have more experience than you.  Go play on a tire swing and live life before you tell others how to live

There is nothing more pussyish than blocking a Xangan and then going around Xanga telling everyone to report it.  Just keep telling yourself that you really changed the planet while you wait for President Obama to hand you the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Xanga is an awesome name for an insane asylum.

I was going to do a farewell post where I told people my thoughts on each of them but there are just way too many people I'd like to thank for being a part of my life and way too many people I want to tell off.  The last month I haven't been around here much and it's been a combination of a few factors...health, work, upkeep, and disgust after reading a post comparing the struggle of Xanga to raise money to that of the struggle of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in Major League baseball.  Well I was also very upset with Xanga Team and their lack of a voice here and not just in this campaign but over the past couple of years they were silent.  You could send dozens of emails to them if you had a problem but they would do nothing.  The only way things got done is if a handful of people complained.  They marginalized their customers and it's no wonder this place floundered.  They gave us nothing to see what the new Xanga would look like.  You can write anything you want about a new website but if you can't see it and test it, words are meaningless. 

Xanga Team killed this site.

Yeah I know...sour grapes.  But can you honestly tell me an internet business that treats their customers as poorly as Xanga Team and succeeded?  Hopefully someone comes through with money but the same ignoramuses will be in charge so I don't know.

Anyway, if you want to follow me, I'm on Tumblr and WordPress.  If you want to add me on Facebook, send an email and hopefully I'll get to it before this site shuts down.

I really do want to thank the lot of you who offered kind words throughout my time here on Xanga.  I've had such a fun time getting to know all of you.

And because I promised something....here's a photo of the president receiving a photo I sent him.

I can’t believe the other night I spent time debating which hat I should wear based on how it matched my Dukes of Hazzard t-shirt.  The Mankato Moon Dogs hat won out.

I should probably stop watching Sons of Anarchy.  I almost bought a motorcycle.  I thought it was a perfect match for my assault rifle and shotgun.

Heart is the name of both a band and an organ I can’t live without.

I would never date a jazz musician because I have such a difficult time staying awake during sax.

Why do people find tans attractive?  Damaged skin cells must be so attractive says the guy who can no longer tan.

I hate how people use the phrase “life is short” because it isn’t really and just because there is a slim chance of getting hit by a bus or a car when you cross the street it doesn’t give the right to act irresponsible and jeopardize your future.  Now, it’s off to go play mini-golf in an open field during a thunderstorm.  #YOLO

Do you ever get the feeling that you could be a meth cook on the set of Breaking Bad and no one would know the difference?

I’m not saying my girl is a gold digger but I have caught her on numerous occasions with her finger up her nose.

Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a wuss.

You’d think a guy standing in line at the gas station would be flattered to be mistaken for Cee-lo Green. Well, you’d be wrong.

Imagine all the hell you could raise if you went to Walmart dressed in a blue polo and khaki pants.

It never fails. Whenever I go to church to make fake IDs for my neighbor someone always wants to use the laminating machine.

I always think it’s weird to see dogs sniffing each other’s butts on purpose until I remember that people pay money to smell like Axe Body Spray.

Did you know that in the Canadian version of Super Mario Brothers it takes 135 coins to get an extra life?  HAHAHAHA…a money exchange rate joke!  I’ve really sunk to new lows.

I don’t know what God was thinking when he designed the penis.  Couldn’t the scrotum be a little nicer type of sac sort of like a Crown Royal bag?  Also flaccid penises should be rolled up andwhen they become erect they should unroll and go “HONK” like a party favor.

I took an IQ test. Should I be worried that it came back negative?

I heard that The White Stripes and The Black Keys are collaborating on a new album.  The name of their band will be A Piano.

Boobs are to men as laser pointers are to cats.

They say misery loves company but for me I’m miserable when I have company.

What would I do for a Klondike bar?  I’d wait for someone to walk to the kitchen and then ask them to bring me one.

Pick-up line guaranteed not to work: “Baby, is your vagina a TARDIS, because it’s bigger on the inside?”

I went to Denny’s and saw this waiter who is a huge gamer.  He has Legend of Zelda tattoos all over his arm.  He asks me what I’ll have and I say “an order of sausage Zeldas”. He screams, “THEY’RE LINKS!  HIS NAME WAS LINK!  SAUSAGE LINKS!  ZELDA WAS THE PRINCESS!”

When I smell good, I feel like I have my life together.  I rarely have it together during summer because of testicle sweat.

I love how everyone on the internet turned into a lawyer and acted like they passed the bar in every state after the George Zimmerman verdict.

It’s strange how in society if you are confident then people will call you self-obsessed but if you are insecure then you are labeled weak.  This is why I’m a giraffe.

I think the greatest reason I want to be a stripper is because taking off my clothes does not involve math.

I want to rewrite some Greek myths and when Zeus tries to get with women they’ll ask him to use a condom but he’ll say, “Babe, I’m too big for a condom.”

If you ever get a boner at an inopportune time, just read some Spongebob fanfiction and that will kill it.  The only downside is that you may suffer from impotence.

Beauty may fade but botox is forever.

I may not be the strongest man in the world but I have a feeling I could defend myself if a dozen toddlers attacked me at once.

Things being removed from Netflix is the reason you can hear me sobbing right now.

You shouldn’t buy instant rice if you are looking for authentic rice experience.

If Uma Thurman wanted me to stick my dick in her nose, I would.

You know it’s summertime in this part of Wisconsin when you can smell the Amish before you see them.

I went to a bar and grill named Hooter Bowl this weekend.  It was in a town named Hustler.  I’m sure Larry Flynt is proud of me.  Now if he’d pay me for posting porn on Tumblr.

Why am I shocked by the amount of Green Bay Packer tattoos out there?

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have determined that real eyes realize real lies.

I’m so glad we are celebrating the royal birth here in America because the British royal family is so important here and Kate Middleton did what other women and mammals have been doing since the dawn of time.  It’s like the American Revolution never happened.

I was going to take a group of orphans on a trip to a water park but then I heard P. Kitty went into labor so I’m glued to my TV.

In America we call a royal baby a Double Quarter Pounder.

The royal baby was born on Danny Glover’s birthday.  No way this could be a coincidence.  I see years from now when the baby is finally king, he’ll be sitting on the throne and will say after another proclamation ordering beheadings, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

All regular babies now suck and can go to hell because we have the ROYAL BABY!

American is sending Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, and Brendan Fraser bearing frankincense, gold, and myrrh to the royal baby.

I hope the royal baby enjoys the “Your Tax Dollars at Work”onesie I got him.

And now your last weekly dose of motivation:

I wonder if the single Jonas brothers still wear their purity rings or if they are declared null and void after 5 years.

I think my town’s pool motto should be: Where Moles and Bugs Go to Die.

I like discussing politics with my cats because they don’t object and just sit there listening patiently and wagging their tails.

Apparently it’s illegal to taxidermy humans so there goes pranks off my prank list and items off my bucket list.

It’s amazing how many followers I have on the internet.  If I were to simply post the words “butt sex”it would have at least 5 times the reach of the fire sirens in my town.

The best part of summer is speeding through school zones.

Ladies, is “I’d do you” a compliment?

I find it funny that a group of nonconformists all get together and agree about the same topics and like the same things.

If you remove the laugh track on the Big Bang Theory, the show is just four people being mean to a person with Aspberger’s.

I’m fairly certain that the song “Every Rose has its Thorn”is about how garlic tastes awesome but leaves you with rancid breath and skin for like 12 hours.

I think my dad may have been having a sugar low as he told me about watching Sons of Anarchy and how he liked that they killed Jimmy Fallon.

Say what you will about Aaron Hernandez, I still think O.J.Simpson is the greatest murderer to ever play in the NFL.

28% of public school math teachers agree that the other 83% suck at math.

The best place to find local hot singles is to fart on your wallet.

I have a confession to make. I once used Purell as a lube for masturbating.  Whew…it feels good to come clean.

At one point in my life I was able to communicate with the dead but then I got fat so now I’m just a large.

If you have sex with a girl and you are both so drunk that you can’t remember having sex, did you really disappoint her?

The have electronic cigarettes that people say are good but trust me that electronic chewing tobacco is awful.

Playing violent video games makes me violent just like watching porn gets me laid.

It’s little surprise that Peter Dinklage got an Emmy nomination for his work on Game of Thrones. He has real star power mostly because he’s a white dwarf.

Lately whenever I get an erection I feel like Stephen Hawking winning a skateboard.

I hate how kids watch the same movies over and over and over and over again.  Oh sweet…Fight Club is on.

I wish I had the Price is Right audience around whenever I had to make big life decisions.

I wonder if Mrs. Pibb is constantly reminded by her mother that she could’ve married the Pepper boy who went to med school.

My life coach told me I got cut from the team.

My exgirlfriend has a new boyfriend and I’m glad.  I want her to be happy as long as I’m happier.  And she knows that I’m happier.  And it makes her cry.

Calm down!  No one is going to get famous on Xanga or Xanga 2.0.

I hope my future wife is following me on Xanga because I’d hate to describe everything once again. Also are there any women who want the first dance at your wedding to be to “Hoes in Different Area Codes”?

New Xanga motto: Those who can, do and those who can’t come to Xanga and bitch about those that do.

The people who kiss ass on Xanga have made this site into the internet’s version of Human Centipede.

I tried using Xanga on my phone and it was sort of like trying to eat spaghetti with a spoon.

Just because someone on Xanga doesn’t respect you doesn’t give you the right to disrespect them and if you think they are such horrible people and then you post hate about them then you’ve stooped to their level.  God, sometimes I feel like I’m the Ward Cleever of Xanga.

When did Xanga collectively decide to stop using punctuation like when did this happen why is this a thing did it happen while I was gone oh well I guess I will get used to it now that you mention it I like it because it makes this sentence look smooth just like a river with whitewater rapids

Xanga is like the Olympics. Even if you are the best in the world, you’ve wasted your life perfecting a worthless skill.

Actually I am Ashton Kutcher and you all have been punk’d!

Well, it looks like one of these days I'll be posting a nude photo since I don't think Xanga is going to meet their goal.  Pledge money now or you'll have to see my penis.

I used to be funny.  I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

One of the biggest plot twists in all of cinema would be if they got an actual teenager to play a teenager.

I’m suffering from boredom. Thanks a lot, Obama.

I think at this point the Brewers ought to look at drafting a teeball stand because I'm sure the teeball stand could pitch better than their bullpen.

I don’t want a blowjob as much as I want a blowcareer.

I don’t think society is as fucked up as we think it is.  I think we’re just a bunch of pussies that can’t handle traumatic shit.

Whenever I see a girl with gauges in her ears I wonder if she has sex with a guy who sticks his penis in that hole.

I’ve been eating so much Greek yogurt lately that I’ve begun to end all my sentences with “opa,” getting my gold medallion tangled in my chest hair, and putting Windex on everything.

You don’t know hilarious until you see your mother lecture a cat about puking on the floor.

I once had the privilege of sitting in on a writing session for “The Big Bang Theory”.  One writer spoke up and said, “Hey, guys, what if instead of saying ‘sex’ we’d have the characters say ‘coitus’?”  The rest of the staff screamed, “BRILLIANT!”

Do you think homophobes have rethought their enjoyment of Mr. Mom and Mrs. Doubtfire?

Drugs are pretty cool because they’re about the only thing teaching Americans about the metric system these days.

Every four years I’m reminded of The Olympics.  Not the sporting event but the band and their song “Western Movies” because that song was playing the first time I saw women playing volleyball in their skimpy and tight and low cut and tight and formfitting and hot uniforms.

I know when people are having computer issues based on the absence of Facebook game requests.

I sort of enjoy using the handicapped stall in public bathrooms because it’s sort of a rush because a handicapped person may come in and need it and I have it occupied.  It’s like playing with fire.

I don’t like hanging out with my friends all that much anymore because I feel like a third wheel but I shouldn’t feel bad because if a tricycle didn’t have a third wheel it would be useless.  Right?

My mom used to love this game called “talk at a normal level from the other side of the house and get pissed off because I didn’t hear her”.  Now she’s just deaf and yells all the time.

I don’t know which is worse when watching a movie at a theater, being the only person in the theater to not understand a joke and stare deadpan at the screen or being the only person to get an obscure reference causing you to laugh your ass off.

Rainy nights are great because they make me want to stay up until 4AM watching movies and eating fried foods.  It’s just weird that I do this even when it isn’t raining.

I once tried social interaction but referencing Silence of the Lambs five times in a conversation backfired.  I guess talking about eating someone’s liver with fava beans and a nice chianti comes off as weird.

Did you know that your iPads, iPhones, and iPods can be used as scales?  You simply stand on it and if it breaks then you’re too fat.  It also means you’re pretty stupid.

I wonder why more psychiatrists don’t set up shop in IKEA.

Breakfast commercials always talk about their product being part of a complete breakfast.  I think the reason my life is so messed up is because I’ve been eating incomplete meals all these years. Now to buy every breakfast item advertised on TV.

My uncle Joe worked at a Wonder Bread factory until he go this genitals stuck in one of the mixing machines at the factory.  Now he’s the bread wiener of the family.

Have you ever felt as useless as a poke on Facebook?

If I ever take a girl out on a date, I usually leave my gas cap open and dangling because that way people will wave and honk at me and my date will think I’m famous.

I am so sickened by the term “cumming”.  I prefer to use the expression “going number3”.

Have you ever wondered how many trees in this world have died so that humans could wipe their asses?

I like writing negative things about the illiterate because I know they won’t find out and by the time they can read I’ll be dead.

Have you ever noticed that there’s a lot of good remakes of songs but very few good remakes of movies?

I really love Mondays but only in the summer because I don’t have to go to school.

I’m thinking of going to the big and tall clothing store(only because I’m tall*please believe me*) so I can get some nice new clothes so I can look handsome while I sit at home and watch Netflix.

Why do people think that dogs are affectionate and are kissing you when they lick you?  That’s stupid.  Hate to break it to you but they just enjoy the taste of the salt that you emit from your skin.  That’s sort of like a metaphor for my love life.  Basically dogs are just like children who have razor sharp teeth and poop all over the floor.

Pasta is the solution for everything.  What do you want for supper?  Pasta. What do you need to buy at the grocery store?  Pasta. How do we solve the immigration crisis? Pasta.

I don’t smoke so if I ever talk about weed it’s for brownies and I only eat brownies when I try to think up things for these posts.

I write about sex a lot for someone who never has it.

Melissa McCarthy reminds me so much of myself.  I think we even have the same cup size.

How do you describe the taste of Dr. Pepper?  I think the best I can come up with is“Satan’s sweat”.

I knew this one guy who pretended to be this hardcore druggie and he said he smoked weed all the time.  I then rolled a joint filled with lawn clippings and gave it to him and told him it was the best grass I’d ever had.  He smoked it and pretended to be high.  Then when I told him it was really grass he laid down on the ground and cried and screamed.

I hate when people refer to marijuana as “bud” because being an old man I have a hard time differentiating between marijuana and water…I mean Budweiser.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

What if thousands of years from now they discover Superman comic books and think they are religious texts?

Why are most models tall and skinny when most of the people they are marketing clothing to aren’t that body style at all?  Sometimes the clothing the models wear don’t even flatter that body style.  Why is the fashion industry so daft?  I bet it’s all the meth and coke.

A pastor never heard the Thong Song before.  That made for an interesting Bible study class.

Every time the rapper Drake wants to record a new song they throw him against a wall to see if he’ll stick so they can tell if he’s soft enough.

Who wants to fund my new reality show called “Sex Truck”?  It’s me driving around a big truck and I crush stuff.  I threw in“sex” because that will guarantee people watch it.

One day I hope that when I wake up horny I won’t have to take care of it myself and I’ll just push my morning wood into my wife’s back but more than likely if I’m married I’ll have to take care of it myself.

It’s sort of sad that Goyte isn’t around anymore.  He’s just someone that we used to know.

If you call baseball “boring” or “stupid” then I will make it my personal mission to sever your trachea.

There was nothing quite as exhilarating as celebrating the Fourth of July by firing fireworks made in China.  That and my Roman candle menorah.  Another good way to celebrate the Fourth if you’re poor is by taking q-tips and putting rubbing alcohol on them and lighting them.  Tell the kids that they’re mini-sparklers.

I hope Eric Snowden and Carmen San Diego have a happy life together.

While some people see an ant infestation as a problem, I see it as a solution to my lack of companions problem.

One man’s garbage is another man’s Oscar the Grouch costume.

I was diagnosed with “walking pneumonia”.  It’s much better than “race walking diarrhea”.  Trust me.

If they pass out sainthood for miracles then I should get sainthood because I turned down a free donut at Kwik Trip this morning.

I haven’t been watching much news lately because it seems like all they cover lately is the George Zimmerman trial.  I vaguely heard that Morrisey did a show in Egypt and he got booed off the stage.  Why isn’t CNN reporting that?  I thought everyone loved The Smiths.

I wear a shirt when I go swimming not because I’m embarrassed of my body but because I’m embarrassed that people will see my body.

I think the best way to tell if a kid will grow up to be a douchebag is if the kid wears Heelies everywhere he goes.

The worst part about being raised by wolves is telling my parents that I’m a cat person.

I bet all the people who left Xanga when they announced it may close are feeling pretty stupid about right now.

I feel like boycotting Xanga because I can’t post this in72pt font like I can on MS Word.  That’s denying me my freedom of speech.

I think being on Xanga is great because I’m ugly and I earned all my followers through my charming personality or witty banter and not because I’m hot.  I guess I should feel lucky because I don’t have to worry about wondering if people follow me becausethey like my material or because I’m hot.

I honestly like some of you Xangans so much that you could send me death threats written with pig’s blood and I wouldn’t unfriend or block you.  I really appreciate you appearing in my footprints even if you don’t comment and I love seeing you appear in my inbox.  Sorry I’m getting all sentimental and shit but you people have been so good for me.

I am such a badass that I have Ezekiel 25:17 memorized and say it every time I block someone on Xanga. It’s just too bad Tarantino changed the verse to make it more dramatic for Pulp Fiction.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, the place where tolerance is required unless you have a differing opinion then fuck you and delete your blog.

New Xanga motto: Xanga: Where Fun Goes to Die.

I’m actually sort of embarrassed for all of you adults over how you get so bent out of shape when people have a different opinion than you and you hate them because of it.  So many of you have turned me off of politics.

Xanga didn’t ruin my life. I was already a loser before I joined this site.

I just read a post on Xanga that was so confusing that I had no idea what the person who wrote it was trying to say.  I also thought they must be on heavy narcotics.  The fact that it was something I wrote is completely irrelevant.

I wonder how long it will be before I can buy the Xanga.com domain name.  I plan on buying it and turning it into a hardcore pornography site. Then each of the –ish sites will be a different fetish site.  Xanga Hong Kong will be Asian porn, Hoodstars will be African American porn, Momaroo will be MILF porn, IReallyLikeFood will be sploshing, Healthkicker will be BBW porn, Datingish will be cuckold porn, Lovelyish will be female domination porn, and Revelife will be bondage.

If you rec this post you will win as many Grammys as Nicki Minaj has.