I figure there are a lot of weird fetishes out there so there has to be one where a girl likes a fat, sarcastic asshole with a blog.

I keep seeing all these previews for The Lone Ranger.  They may as well call it “Tonto and the Lonely Ranger”.  I wonder if Johnny Depp sold his soul to the Devil and then Disney bought out the Devil.

Marijuana is legal on every planet but Earth.  Thanks a lot, Obama!  Do you think the Earth ever teases other planets for having “no life”?  Did you know “President Obama” is an anagram of “A Diaper Entombs”?  Oh and they say “every cloud has a silver lining”.  Why aren’t we mining and harvesting clouds in this economy, Obama?

Why are there never creepy guys in windowless vans around when I want some candy?

It’s the strangest damn thing but when I was 7 a bear wearing a forest ranger uniform told me that only I could prevent forest fires.  I have no clue why he picked me over all the other people in the world but he did so I am doing my damnedest not to start any forest fires.

I think the only reason girls love my small penis is because it makes their butts look big.  Girls want to have big butts, right?

I like steak so much that it makes my heart skip a beat.  Actually it makes it skip two beats.  Maybe I should call that ambulance.

I love Law & Order so much.  I think I’ve seen every episode.  My favorite is the one where Law asks Order to marry him and then they make out.

Why is it that people are totally OK with shooting animals into space for exploration but can’t handle two dudes holding hands?

For my next birthday, I’m having an ice cream social and you’re all invited.  I know this isn’t a joke but I just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.  A quiz will be had later on in the year and I imagine a lot of you will say, “But I didn’t get invited”.  But you did!

So if I read 50 Shades of Grey will it improve my non-existent sex life like what everyone says it does?  Will I have to go out and buy an extra bottle of Udderly Smooth?  It’s sort of funny that they are still making a movie adaptation of that book even though it’s been irrelevant for a year and there is very little content they could show in a theater.  OK so I did read the books because I was going through this BDSM phase but then I got sad because the book depicted it so poorly.

I sort of wish life had a fast forward button so I could go to the point in life when I’m rich and famous and everyone is kissing my ass but knowing my track record with fast forwarding I would probably go too far and wind up at the point where I’m dead.

Farmers who love farming more than women tend to go by the motto, “Hoes before hoes.”

I hate when skinny people say they eat whatever they want.  Usually they don’t want to eat a tube of cookie dough like I do.

I started a taxi service and I’m going to call it Cash Cab.  When people get in, bells,whistles, and lights will go off and then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi,welcome to Cash Cab, the game where you give me money and I take you places.”

Everything I needed to know about whether or not police officers are allowed to search in my car, I learned from a Jay-Z song.

From all the errors in my posts, you’d think English was my second language.  Sadly, it’s not, it’s my first and I can’t even speak it good. Even worse, I’m licensed to teach middle school English.

I have always wondered about the term “bread winner of the family”.  I wonder what sort of freaky,back-alley games a person plays where the prize is bread.

I’ve spent some time listening to Gorillaz lately and I’m not entirely convinced they are using actual words in their songs.

Why is it that it only takes one relationship to end badly and it turns you into a jaded person? Why is it that the death of your fiancé turns you into a sulking, bitter blogger who thinks that love is unattainable?

I don’t think stores understand the psychological damage they inflict upon the populace when they start advertising “Back to School”sales in July.

I am tasteless and so is water and we all need water so I guess you all need me.  But if you like water then you like 70% of me.

I was making out with this girl and I told her to whisper something sexy in my ear so she said, “Go Packers.”  Needless to say I needed a change of undergarments.

History tells us a great deal of stories and that is why you should always clear your computer’s history.

The only thing worse than getting the “short end of the stick” is hearing a girl say that while giving you a handjob.

Do girls like it when you cook for them?

“May contain nudity”???? Either there’s nudity or there isn’t.  Stop wasting my time.

I don’t like going to strip clubs anymore because if I want to see a bleached asshole I can do it a lot cheaper by staying at home and watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.

The worst part about having my hand get caught in a Pringles can is when I can’t get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

I hold the world record for having the sex the most amount of times for a guy who knows all the lyrics to Linger by The Cranberries.

I have to come clean which is why I masturbate in the shower.

Sometimes I wish I had dogs…puppies to be more exact.  I’d like a herd of puppies so they could fan me with their wagging tails and wash me with their puppy licks and then transport me around town like crowd surfing.

This week was supposedly something called Canada Day.  I refuse to recognize this day unless Canada takes Justin Bieber back and locks him up for good.

I wish a girl could get as excited to see me as I do when I find a curly fry or onion ring in my regular fries.

I knew this girl who claimed she was only attracted to black guys and she thought black guys liked her because she referred to them as the N-word.  She’s now married to a white guy.

I’m so poor that I can’t afford bags under my eyes so I have to use actual brown grocery bags.

You know how some people lose their virginity.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been gaining it.  So alone.

And now for your weekly does of motivation:

Ladies, you say that size matters so get this, my intestines can stretch out to be over twenty feet long.

My large toenail fell off in the shower today.  According to Web MD, I’m going to die from Legionnaire’s Disease.

Who doesn’t love rhetorical questions?

I always found it funny that my parents never let me touch a stove when I was a kid but they let me play with fireworks.

I think they need to rewrite the Patriot Act to protect us from the Patriots.  That Aaron Hernandez guy scares me and I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me because I know all the lyrics to “Da Da Da” by Trio.  Speaking of Aaron Hernandez, I wonder if he’s ever seen The Longest Yard.  If not, he better familiarize himself with it quickly.

I went to the hippy grocery store/food co-op the other day and bought some organic deodorant.  I now smell like Jerry Garcia’s beard after he ate at Taco Bell.

When I discovered Frosted Flakes I realized I had wasted so much time painting my Corn Flakes with a sugary paste.

I heard George Lucas finally married his longtime girlfriend.  I bet it took him a longtime to marry her because he was worried she was really his sister.

I was recently at a Walmart and went to the restroom.  I heard Bonnie Raitt’s “Let’s Give them Something to Talk About” and thought I should so I hid all the toilet paper.

I recently bought an electric toothbrush.  It’s ok but I prefer the acoustic version much better.

The secret to a good relationship isn’t communication.  It’s resisting the urge to make pig noises when your significant other eats.

The person who invented Frisbee golf obviously had no friends.  If he did he would’ve settled for playing catch.

I finally figured out why girls put Kleenex in their bras.  It’s because they have sensitive breasts that cry all the time.  Girls should probably not allow their boobs to watch Nicholas Sparks movies.

I have three different fans set up in my room.  When I speak into them my voice sounds different in each one.  It’s like I’m having a conversation with 3 people.  I’m not alone at all.

Every day I miss you is a day I remember that I’m an idiot and I miss you every day.

I pulled out her chair because I’m a gentleman but I kept pulling when she tried to sit down because I’m an asshole.

You know you’ve watched too much porn when you spit on your house key before you put it in to unlock the door.

I have spittoons in my house so I can spit out Raisinettes after I’ve sucked all the chocolate off them.

Have you ever thought about the movie Home Alone?  It’s a comedy about two burglars trying to murder an abandoned 8 year old.  Man, the90s were a wild time.

I hate that whenever I teach about Aaron Burr, I always hear his name being said with a mouth full of peanut butter.

I heard this bad Fun and I don’t know what the lead singer looks like but I’m assuming he’s one of those shaky little lap dogs.

Lately all my spam emails have been about Viagra or those flexible water hoses.  I’m so confused as to what women want.

Hi girls!  Matt is an amazing man and wonderful cook.  He really has his head on his shoulders. Are there any girls interested in Ma MOM GET OFF MY XANGA YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!

Xanga is like a woman because no matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong.

It seems like everyone is being interviewed on that radio thing…everyone except me.  I bet they’ll interview @AmericanAlien before they interview me.

A Xanga Public Service Announcement: Sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet because sarcasm doesn’t always translate into text.  Don’t use sarcasm in your posts because someone will always ALWAYS take it seriously.  Don’t act shocked if they do because it is inevitable.  The more you know.

Have you ever had sex dreams about a Xangan?  Well I have and instead of saying their real name during the act I said their screen name.

I’m starting a petition to change the definition of “asswipe” from “something you use to wipe your ass” to “someone who creates a Xanga account just to mess with someone and cause drama”.

Looking for love on Xanga will only lead to one thing, you being fucked, literally or figuratively. Anyone up for a Xanga meet-up?

Time machines would be great if they had an option where you could go back in time to prevent people from causing Xanga drama by slapping them in the face.

I think my work at Xanga is done.  I’ve tricked the lot of you into thinking that I’m relevant when I’m just a regular Joe Schmo who has a few successful posts.  Actually…I’m an ass but I love the lot of you.  I really enjoy those of you who have differing opinions yet keep your mouths shut and respect my opinions and don’t send hate or block me because I think differently and don’t fall in line.

Half the jokes didn’t make sense this week.  Can you spot which ones?  It may earn you a Xanga mini.

Whenever I don’t get a lot of comments or recs on one of these posts, I assume that Xanga hates me.

Does anyone know how fast that Fiber One…oh man, I got to cut this short.

Breast Humping (aka titty fucking) is the best form of sex because it is the closest a guy will ever get to a girl’s heart.

Why would I wear pants when I could not wear pants?

No one has a crush on me because I’m too powerful to be crushed.

I’m pretty sure I would’ve been a very cool land baron.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be Batman.  Now that I’m an adult and since I just watched the entire modern series on Netflix, I want to be Dr. Who.

I love donuts because they aren’t self-centered.

Do you ever look at your old photos and think, “What happened to that shirt?”

If you got an email from me that only said “Hello”, I was hacked.  I really am shy and probably wouldn’t say anything if I saw you in real life.

So James Gandolfini died. Does anyone know the whereabouts of the Russian from that episode titled “Pine Barrens”?

Since its creation in 1921, the Baby Ruth candy bar has not been eaten by anyone without getting at least 20 tiny pieces of chocolate,nougat, peanuts, or caramel stuck on their shirt, pants, or teeth.  And this is why I eat candy in the nude.

I would never want a girl I’m dating to call me“Daddy”.  It would just make me go buy a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

I think I’d like to live in the 70s but without the social oppression or disco.  I just like the cars and wish cars would be powerful again and not the little weak-ass shit they have on the lots now.

I think the Constitution got it wrong.  They should rewrite it to make my unalienable rights to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of dope-ass swag.

I watched the movie Juno and there were parts that made me cringe.  I think the worst moment is when Jason Bateman’s character says that the mid 90s were the best time for rock n’ roll.  I think that’s when I started exploring bands from the 60s and 70s because I was fed up with the stuff they were playing and telling me it was cool.

I always get nasty looks when I clip my nails while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Come on, people,it’s flip-flop season and my toes can’t look gnarly.

A diet free of meat and animal products may be healthy but you also run the risk of becoming pretentious and bat-shit insane.

What did teenagers do before they had cellphones or cameras to take vain self-shot photos?  I used the instant cameras.  I imagine some before me used Polaroids.  If we keep going back I’m sure that we’ll find out that cave drawings were done by teenagers scratching pictures of themselves on to cave walls.

There are these middle schoolers that live down the block from me that think they are a badass gang because they go around their block drawing swastikas on the sidewalk with chalk. I’ll show them how badass I am by shaking my fist at them while I wash their swastikas away with my garden hose.

If you think long and hard about it you’ll realize that politicians make their money and fame by kissing ass so they are not better than prostitutes and prostitution is illegal so we should lock up politicians.

Contrary to popular belief, ending a sentence with the word “bitch” does not mean it is hilarious, bitch.

OK I was at Pornhub the other day and I noticed their video shave the Facebook “like” button.  Yes, Pornhub, I want to be the first out of my Facebook friends to like the video“Hot Young Slut Takes it Up the Ass and then in the Mouth”.

I’m surprised with all the things you can buy on Amazon that they haven’t started selling spouses or true love.

If you use old Taco Bell hot sauce packets to flavor your Ramen, it tastes just like poverty.

I sometimes think Satan hates Christmas because of all the letters he gets from dyslexic kids.

Sometimes I swear just like a 13 year old boy who has unlimited access to premium cable.

Things I’ve learned from Tumblr: when a girl says she’s ugly do not and I repeat DO NOT tell her that you think she’s beautiful.  Apparently telling someone they’re beautiful means you’re a nasty old pervert.

I’m pissed that Kanye West didn’t name his daughter Adam.  I still think they named her after the Rob Reiner movie North.

If the Kardashians father didn’t get O.J. Simpson off I’m sure one of the Kardashian girls would’ve gotten him off…repeatedly and on film.

Do you remember that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other rapper has nothing to fast talk about?  Well that’s my style of writing.  I insult myself and my small penis so that none of your words can harm me.

I don’t like fake people. I haven’t ever since that clerk at the clothing store informed me that the mannequins would not reply to my asking them out on dates.

The only thing I know about pillow talk is when I ask my pillow why can’t I have a girl in here.

I understand and believe that Jesus paid for my sins but what sort of Jew would I be if I didn’t get my money’s worth?

I’m not judging you if I’m right.

I am craving chocolate so bad lately but at least it’s not as bad as craving her, that dirty whore.

Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no cash, hope, or jobs.  Please don’t let Kanye and North West die because then we won’t have a western hemisphere.

There should be some law that says you can’t complain about wanting bigger boobs or a bigger penis unless you can name one practical purpose that they would give you.

Every culture on earth is much more exciting than white culture.  All we have is putting mayonnaise on French fries and getting excited when we hear 80s music.

Why does every diet pop taste like poison?  Better question…why do I know what poison tastes like?

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Does my carpet match my drapes?  Well I tore up the carpet to see if there was hardwood under it but there was just blood. So I guess that means yes.

As an optimist, I look at my life and see it as half-filled with regrets.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, I want you to butt dial my face.”

If you eat 30 minutes before you have sex does that mean you risk your sperm cramping up during their swim? If so then I’ve found a new birth control method.

The girl who made my sandwich at Subway today was totally out of my league and that was really depressing.

My grandfather’s last words to me were, “Don’t have sex; it will kill you.”  Guess which one of us is still alive.

I will abstain from sex for all eternity and so will my children and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children.  If someone asks me for sex I will fight to keep my celibacy with water pistols and balloons.

I’m always upset when I see that vending machines don’t have bacon but it doesn’t keep me from checking.

Maury Povich would make a lot of money if he released a “How to Dance” DVD comprised of “you are not the father” victory dances.

I don’t believe Paula Deen ever used the N-word and by N-word I mean “nutrition”.

My favorite type of soup is soup de jour.  I could eat that stuff every day.

I ruined some of my clothes at a screening of World War Z.  I fell asleep and drooled all over them.  I guess I’ll be donating them to the Salivation Army.  Speaking of World War Z…putting on Gene Schallit wig and mustache…World War Z is an apt title because you’ll catch plenty of z’s while watching it.

I was at a special screening of The Lone Ranger and the best line in the movie was “This is my sidekick Tonto.  He’s definitely an Indian even though he looks white.  But, see, he has a feather and painted face.”

Is it alright to go to a Renaissance Fest and ask people when will the bubonic plague hit and wipe out all the riff raff?

Riverdance is the most beautiful thing I’ve never seen.  Well, second most if we include your nude body.

I sometimes wish I was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because then no one would invite me to play Facebook games.

When I first heard the term “flash mob”, I pictured a group of naked mobsters.

I’m playing my own version of Fear Factor tonight.  I just got a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Seven Layer burrito from Taco Bell, and a pizza from Domino’s.  This is going to get scary.

With all the different flavors of potato chips on the market today, there is no point of buying actual food.

All I’m looking for in a potential wife/girlfriend is someone who will challenge me in a debate of which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

Breakfast isn’t the most important meal of the day.  It’s the emotional eating I do that keeps me from crying.

Am I anyone’s Xanga crush? Don’t recommend this post if I am your crush.

I think the secret to successful blogging is to post like you’re an alcoholic nymphomaniac homeless person addicted to Xanax but with a sweet side and stellar grammar.

I’m holding a Xanga meet-up at a local Walmart bathroom at3AM in the bathroom.  Just show up wearing a blindfold.

I think Xanga would be hell if Gilbert Gottfried read every single post you opened.

A Xanga user walks into a bar and someone approaches that user and asks if they can buy them a drink. The Xanga user then says, “*You’re and *to”.  Yeah that sounded better in my head.

I got thinking about dying and I’m sort of freaked out by what would happen on Xanga.  So help me if people who aren’t my friends now say anything about me after I’m dead I’m going to come back and haunt them.

I once got an email from a Xangan I won’t name that told me to quit making jokes here because jokes are disrespectful and they only wanted to see me make serious entries and discussions. And you know what I did?  I put my hands up to my mouth and made a long farting noise and said “How’s that for serious?”

I don’t get why people hold grudges on Xanga.  I can’t remember why I blocked 75% of my blocked list.  Maybe I should unblock them.  So many people have victim complexes on Xanga.  It’s pretty sad actually.  I mean there are actual victims out there and people complain that someone on Xanga disagreed with them.  Boo-hoo!  Xanga is Xanga and not fucking Fight Club.  Remember, at the end of the day, Xanga is just a website not your life.

If Edward Snowden wants to disappear he should probably start a Xanga account.

People are talking about anxiety over losing Xanga friends.  I can see that because I’m still having anxiety attacks over selecting my Myspace top friends.

The good news about Xanga closing on July 15^th will be that it’s also the day that Twinkies are back on store shelves.  I guess we’ll have some place to go for consolation.  Also, suck it people who bought all those Twinkies when it was announced that they were no longer being produced.

I’m convinced that these jokes are funny and if you don’t laugh it’s because of inferior vocabulary skills on your part or my part…mos tlikely my part.

(I wrote this in January of 2011.  I think it was right before or during Charlie Sheen's meltdown.)

For a long time I’ve been an aspiring comedy writer.  I was getting interest in some of my non-Xanga writings but the writers strike blew my chances of getting into the business.  I am trying again but I find that living in the wilderness is hurting my chances.  Anyway, enough of my bitching, here’s a script I wrote for Two and a Half Men.

In case you don't know this show, here's the cast.
Hi, I’m Charlie.  I’m a sex fiend and booze hound

Hi, I’m Allen.  I’m neurotic and quite possibly a closeted homosexual.

Hi, I’m Jake.  I am a complete dumbass.  Ha…I said ass.

Hi, I’m Evelyn and Charlie and Allen are the children I don’t deserve.

Hi, I’m Rose.  I’m completely obsessed with Charlie although I’m hot enough to land any guy on the planet, I keep trying to score a syphilis ridden Charlie.

  Hi, I'm Berta.  I'm Charlie's wise-cracking house keeper.  I clean his house because he's too busy trolling for skanks.

Hi, I’m whore #38 and I’m only vital to this storyline.
Canned laughter is in italics

Scene one
Charlie’s house.

*Drinking Irish coffee* I’m drunk and I think women are nothing more than sex toys.
HAHAHAHAHA
*Allen doing something neurotic* Charlie, that’s not right.  You’re impossible.  *Allen does something slightly revealing his homosexuality*
HAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's latent homosexuality*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Shouting from other room* Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in the dvd player
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why did I have children?  You two are worthless.
HAHAHAHAH
*Climbing up deck*  Charlie can you taste the roofies I put in your coffee?
HAHAHAHA
No, Rose, even though you spike my drinks and I love you and to hide my feelings for you I use women like toilet paper, you will never have me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh we’ll see about that.
HAHAHAHA

Scene two
Charlie’s house
Charlie, how can you say I’m just a sex toy?
HAHAHA
I’m drunk and horny!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, that is reprehensible!
HAHAHAHA
Charlie, I’m leaving you!
AWWW
Fine, that means more booze for me.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, I can’t believe you!
HAHAHA
Yes, Charlie if you were my son I’d be ashamed to be your mother!
HAHAHAHAHA
Pour me a drink!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Charlie's alcoholism and STDs*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Popping up from deck* I hear you’re single.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Beat it, Rose!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoot, the roofies haven’t worked
HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in a peanut butter jar.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scene 3
Charlie’s house

Charlie, are you ready to talk?
*crickets*
Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson and you’re more than a sex toy. You’re a sex robot.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie that is despicable!
HAHAHA
It’s just the booze talking.  I love whore #38.
AWWW
Well I still love you even though it's clear that no one understands the meaning of the word love!
AWWWW
Charlie even though I despise your very being, you’re my brother and I appreciate you, now I’m off to go hang out at the adult video arcade hoping that someone joins me in the booth and then contemplate suicide.
HAHAHAHAHA
Yes, Charlie you are a great person and it’s good to hear you learned your lesson.  I suppose I will admit you are my child.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*On back deck, looking in* Darn, I need to get more roofies, seems he’s built a tolerance.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Uncle Charlie, my penis is covered with peanut butter and stuck in the dvd player.  Can you believe I make $400,000 per episode?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's poor parenting and Jake's inability to please women in the future.*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Time to start a new bottle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(I wrote this in April of 2011.  I thought it was appropriate to share today.  R.I.P. James Gandolfini.)

I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, and The Crisis in Egypt.

On Friday April 15th, the FBI charged 3 of the major online poker sites with criminal activities and blocked American residents from using these sites and putting a freeze on all money accounts. 

So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover what has been called "Black Friday" in the online poker world.  The guest blogger's views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

So the FBI threw out some indictments against some computer poker rings.  I couldn't be happier.  Of course the obvious reason I'm happy is that I get put on the back burner and the FBI stops hassling me, my family, and my friends. Just because my name ends in a vowel doesn't mean I'm in the mafia.  I'm just a businessman in the waste management industry.  These stereotypes are old.  Besides there is no such thing as the mafia.  Sure, Italians had to band together when they first came to America but that's because people didn't consider them to be American or white.  They thought they were a bunch of moulinyans.  Now if someone insinuates I'm mobbed up, I give them a turban.
OK, so I do some money lending and I take bets for sporting games and I run a card game of high rollers but that doesn't mean I'm in something called the mob or Cosa Nostra.  So my card game, you'd like it but I don't know if you can get in.  You need a few grand to get some ziti for my game.  See you'd be sitting with the best of the best.  Frank Sinatra Jr., the chairboy of the board.  You may also see that guy who does all the commercials for dick surgery on the TV.  Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth have been known to sit in on a game.  What's that, you feel lucky?  I wipe my ass with your feelings.  OK I'll float you 10 boxes of ziti but I'm going to have to tack on 5 points a week and that's on top of the principle, capisce?  The vig's higher for you because you aren't blood.
You need some good lingo when playing at my poker table.  You need to be able to talk shit which is something you can't do on the internet poker.  You just sit there and watch a screen.  Here you talk to the other players.  Last game, I lay down 4 queens and I tell everyone that I eat more queens than Lancelot.  I guess you had to be there.  You have to make your moves faster than the internet and unlike the internet you have to look at your opponents.  Some times you make bad reads but remember a wrong decision is better than indecision.  It's better to lose a few chips than sit there like some stunad with your cazzo in your hand. 
My dad used to run this game and I inherited it.  Oh you should have seen those games.  I loved my dad and I feared him too mostly because his favorite child development tool was a belt.  For the longest time I thought my dad was a cowboy.  They told me he was in Montana working on a ranch.  Turned out he was in prison.
Another thing you may find that's better about playing in my card game than at the internet is the gabbagol.  That's right, you eat like some sort of barbaro.  You'd probably sit there and eat something like Pizza Hut.  Here, you get the bagel, the lox, the cream cheese.  We set out a spread.  Make sure you try the prosciut.  Also, if I let you in this game you can't make any mistakes on how you act.  You have to live by the old Italian saying, "You fuck up, you lose your teeth."  You know what?  I can't lend you money.  It's not that I don't have it, it's just that I couldn't bring myself to hurt you if you didn't pay me back.
You have any idea what certain people would do to me if they found out I was talking on this two-bit rag you call a blog?  OK, enough of this internet shit, those cookies make me nervous.  Fanabla, finook!  End of story.

Remember the views of the guest blogger or insinuations into his line of work do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.

Recommend this post if you are here only to rebel against your Amish parents.

This post is also an appreciation post for everyone who has tolerated me over the years.

Because of the NSA, all my phone sex conversations are now threesomes.  SCORE!

Did you know that every single rectal thermometer is individually tested?  I don’t know if I could tolerate that job because I hear it’s a real pain in the ass.  Yeah, lame, I know.  But could you imagine coming home to your wife after having thermometers shoved up your ass all day?  “How was your day at work, dear?”  “Well I tested 100 thermometers and only 5were defective.  I also have a new co-worker and he isn't as gentle as Bob.”  Oh and something about walking bowlegged.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision toeat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’s S-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

How is it 2013 and they haven’t invented a vacuum cleaner that sucks more than Gianna Michaels giving head?

I have hands.  You have boobs.  What an interesting turn of events!

I hate that saying about how if you dream about someone then that means they miss you.  Danny DeVito has made numerous appearances in my dreams and I doubt he’s missing me.

I sort of want a summer job. Is there anyone out there that wants to hire me to walk around their house in a French maid’s uniform and do nothing?

I was saddened to learn that there isn’t a Godfather’s Day.  What am I supposed to do with this horse head?

I wonder why my kids never called to wish me a happy Father’s Day.  Ungrateful imaginary brats!

If you ever want to see how irrationally angry people can become, buy a Beatles shirt and tell people that you don’t know what a Beatle is but just like the way the shirt looks on you.

If Myspace made it to see 2013 then you can make it through your day.  Xanga on the other hand…

I like my girls like how I like my coffee.  Do they make coffee that’s emotionally supportive?  No?  Shit. I will try that joke again.

I didn’t see the new Superman movie.  It looks like an elaborate prequel to a Shaquille O’Neal movie.  I also heard it was unbelievable because they show that the daily newspaper is alive and well and sends out reporters on international assignments.

I wish it was acceptable for guys to carry purses.  Do you know how hard it is to fit tampons in a wallet?

It seems like everyone tries to make small talk about the weather with me.  This is why I always carry a Farmer’s Almanac with me and why I need a purse.

My three favorite movies are Matrix Revolutions, Matrix Reloaded, and The Notebook.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I find it funny that people demand Mexican immigrants learn our language yet demand they keep cooking their food so we can have delicious Mexican restaurants everywhere.

I’ve been thinking that when I become famous I should get a coat made of Sasquatch fur or Loch Ness Monster scales so that when the paparazzi try to take photos of me they all come out blurry.

My dick is so big that it can’t be photographed and anyone who catches a glimpse of it tells their friends they’ve seen the Sascrotch.

How am I supposed to be focused when they put beer in shiny metal cans and bottles?

I’m worried that I won’t find a woman who hates me as much as I hate myself.

Whenever I see a urinal with the sign “Sorry, I’m Out of Order,” I think, “Gee whiz, a urinal that can write!  That’s awesome!”

I don’t get why guys would spike drinks at bars.  Alcohol is expensive.  If a girl leaves a drink unattended, I’m going to drink it.

Ladies, I’m easy on the eyes because I aim for the mouth.

Dildos are like Taco Bell. You know you’re not getting real meat but it’ll do.

I really hate being a Grammar Nazi but shouldn’t it be “The Diary of A Frank”?  Thank you, I will now accept my award for “Best in the world at overcompensating for having a micropenis by being a Grammar Nazi”.

If they have gum to curb nicotine addiction, why isn’t there a crack gum?

A lot of people tell me I should be outraged over Monsanto.  It’s sort of hard when their name sounds like a Jamaican Santa Claus.

I once heard an ad man say that companies avoid naming products with words that begin with the letter “V” because it makes people think of vaginas.  Since when is thinking of vaginas a bad thing?

I find it funny that the people who cheered for the Patriot Act under Bush hate it now that Obama’s in office.  This is what you wanted.

The worst part about butt dialing someone on my cellphone is that my butt’s usually better at flirting than I am.

I recently applied for a coaching position at Minnesota State: Mankato.  They were happy to hear I had no children.

Either I’m getting picky or the amount of bangable women at this Denny’s is dwindling.

Most guys can’t pull off wearing sweat pants in a strip club.  I’m not most guys.

In honor of Flag Day, I wished our politicians would honor the flag instead of wiping their asses with it.

Have you ever been upset because you don’t have any pockets to carry your harmonica?

Why do people put “26.2” stickers on their cars?  That’s a sticker saying you’ve ran a marathon.  Who cares because you’re driving a car?  I have a 13.1 sticker on my car but that’s telling everyone how endowed I am.

I saw a Panera Bread restaurant and wished it was Pantera Bread.  I’d totally eat the vulgar display of chicken salad sandwich.

I tried to write something in cursive three months ago and went on a drug binge and that’s how I was placed in this rehab facility.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

Another new Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where dead horses aren’t safe.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.

( I had this guest blogger write for my site in January of 2009.  I'll try to be back tomorrow with a new post and responses to your comments.  Life has been in the way the past few days.)

This week President Bush talked about an impending financial doom that could be far worse than the Great Depression of the 1930s.  Well I have procured a guest blogger to talk about the economic problems in America.  My views and language do not reflect those of the guest blogger.  My guest blogger is legendary collegiate basketball coach, Bobby Knight.

Thanks, you fat fuck.

Now, I’m tired of hearing about all this economy shit.  It’s goddamned bullshit.  The Dow Jones sinks 150 points each day.  That’s fucked up. 

Now I’m not going to sit around and let this shit fuck up my stock portfolio.  I’m sick and tired of losing money just like I am sick and tired of losing to Purdue.  This shit has got to stop.  With all the money I’ve lost, I’m reduced to doing color commentary with that zombie Digger Phelps and that stroke victim Dick Vitale.  It’s got to stop.  You may enjoy losing your 401K or having an 8-10 record in the damned Big Ten conference but not me.  I’m demanding when it comes to my financial well being. Hell, I’m the most demanding coach you’ll ever meet.  I’ll show your son how demanding I am on the court and I’ll take your wife in the bedroom and show her how demanding I am in there.

Now when Obama takes office on January 20^th things better change.  And if they don’t change, well you’re not going to understand what the next fucking four years have in store for you.  I’m not going to get my fucking ass handed to me on a damn silver platter because some idiots can’t pay their mortgage.  Now you better understand that right fucking now.

This economic disaster is absolute bullshit.  If you don’t do your part to help out, I’ll make you run like you have never fucking ran before.  If you think you have financial woes, this economy will make you think the 1930s Great Depression was a fucking picnic.  Two fucking years ago Americans were spending $1.20 out of every dollar they earned.  Now they are spending 52cents out of every dollar.  Of course businesses are going out of fucking business.

If I have to sit around here and lose all this money I won’t fucking stand for it.  Those idiots won’t put me in that position.  I’ll get my bullwhip after you if you get between me and my cash.  If you fuck around with me, you’ll pay like you won’t believe.  Just ask that tool, Digger Phelps.  He got my wingtips wedged up his ass for questioning me about the decline of the housing market and the auto bailout. 

Now, get out there, spend some money, and get your heads out of your asses. 

Where’s my sweater?  Fuck, Purdue.

 

Ummm that was Bobby Knight.  I am sure his post will get me banned from Xanga so maybe I should have him apologize for his language.

Me: Coach Knight, maybe you should apologize for your words.  They were a little harsh.

Coach: I don’t know what I have to apologize for in the country of freedom of speech.

Me: But, Coach, your words are a little harsh and yes we have freedom of speech but we should respect other people’s ears.

Coach: Well if you can’t stand just do what I said to Connie Chung, if rape is inevitable just sit back, relax, and enjoy it.

Me: Wow!  That is horrible.

Coach:  No it isn’t.  I am making you mentally tough because mental toughness is to physical as four is to one.

Me: Coach, I don’t understand

Coach: Of course you wouldn’t.  Everybody hears but few listen.

Me:  Any parting words, Coach?

Coach:  When my time on earth is gone and my activities here are passed, I want them to bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass!

Me: Thank you.

Coach: Fuck off and get me my sweater.

Jessica...the mere mention of her name makes my heart skip a beat.

She was the only girl who had complete ownership of my heart

I met her one summer one summer while I was working at my dead-end job at a gift shop in a tourist trap.  I was having a horrible day, probably because it was nearing triple digits and my boss had this thing about always having store doors open because otherwise people would think we were closed and take money elsewhere.  He was correct; people are idiots like that. 

I was unloading a shipment of t-shirts.  I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t hear her walk into the store.  Checking off the items must have made me deaf because I didn’t hear her footsteps. 

“Ahem”…she cleared her throat to get my attention.

I didn’t even look up as I replied, “Yes?”

“Are you open?”

I chuckled because I realized that just because the store doors were closed she thought we weren’t opened and so I said, “Yes.”

She didn’t understand why I chuckled and she asked, “What’s so funny?”

I started talking as I looked up to meet her eyes.  All I got out of my mouth was, “Well you see…”  And then I locked eyes with her eyes and I was lost.  I drowned in those sparkling pools of mystery.  She giggled.  I stammered and tried to get to my feet but one of my legs had “fallen asleep” and I hobbled.  She giggled harder.  I should have been on my knees worshiping this goddess.  That first image of Jessica still burns in my memory but not as much as the last.

“Sorry, it’s been a long day and I have been asked that question about a hundred times.”

“Well you could have a sign that says you are open.”  After that sentence she flashed me a smile and it made me melt.  My brain turned to goop.

“Yeah I suppose I should.” 

“How much longer is your shift?”

“Let’s see, I’ve been hear since 9 this morning, it’s 7PM and I start college on August 20^th so I’m finished August 20^th.”  God, I am such a fool but she laughed.

“That’s too bad, I was hoping a local could show me and my friends around tonight.”

“Well I can sleep when I am dead.”

“That’s creepy.”

“Ah, yeah but you have to forgive me because I haven’t had any sleep since the week before finals.”

“OK, I forgive you.”  She then flashes me that smile and then asked, “When do you close?”

“Midnight.”

“I’ll be back by 11:30.”

I didn’t quite understand what was so special about our first conversation.  I wasn’t on my game.  Yet, she showed up as I was getting ready to close.  In fact according to my watch it was 11:25.  I closed in record time.  She then said, “I think we have a problem.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m only 20.”

“Well I’ll just say you’re my wife and that way you can be in the bar.”

We went in and that was our plan.  It worked and truth be told that even after only knowing this girl a few hours it did feel like she was my spouse.  There was this indescribable instant connection.  It wasn’t what you would call love at first sight but I just felt this instant bond. 

After a few drinks Jessie said, “I think I better get back to the motel otherwise my friends may worry.”

I drove her to the Polynesian hotel and I thought that was nice because it was on my way home.  I pulled into a parking space and didn’t quite know how to say goodbye.  I mean we had this connection and I wouldn’t ever see her again.

“So do you want to come in?”

“Well…ugh…I…um…”

“I thought you said that you were an English minor.  I figured that meant you could answer a simple question.”

“Yes?”

We walked to her suite.  Her friends were inside and had been drinking. 

“Jess, where were you?  We’ve been worried.”

“My husband here took me out for a couple of drinks.”

“Like in a bar?”

“Yeah…in a bar.”

We sat around that night talking and exchanging the first time pleasantries.  It was amazing how we just clicked.  Her friends started getting sleepy so Jessie suggested we go to the lobby to continue talking.

I think that was the greatest conversation I have had in my life.  Time stopped.  We got to know each other.  And then I noticed the sunrise.  I had work in a couple of hours and she had to get ready to leave return home.  We exchanged phone numbers and like a fool I held out my hand as if to shake.  She laughed and reached up and hugged me.  I wrapped around and hugged back.  The hug then turned into a deep passionate kiss.  Her lips sent electric shocks throughout every inch of my body.

I felt someone else there and sure enough there was some one getting the continental breakfast ready.  We broke the kiss and both looked at each other and said, “Wow!”

I walked backwards waving goodbye thinking I would never see her again but I was wrong.  A few hours into my shift, I see the goddess return.  She went on and on about this strange connection that she felt she had with me and how she didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye again.  We embraced and our lips locked.  Looking down into her eyes as we kissed told me this girl was special. 

She came back a couple days later and stayed with me for the rest of that summer.  I finally felt complete after having some really bad relationships.  Jessie was the one…The One. 

Things got rocky when I had to move back to college and Jessie returned to her college.  We both looked at ways to be closer to each other.  My school offered only two majors and neither of those was Jessie’s emphasis.  Her school had some of the program in which I was majoring but I wouldn’t be able to finish at the same school.  She decided the best bet was to transfer to a school about a half hour from where I went and that way we would be closer and wouldn’t be separated by 6 hours.

The weekends were fun.  We traded off.  I went to see her one weekend and then the next she would come see me.  Everything was going great.  Around the first of November I get a phone call from Jessie.  She was crying.  I asked what was wrong and she said that she wouldn’t be able to see me at Thanksgiving because she was expected to go see family in California.  I said that as long as we held each other in our hearts then we would be together.  I still here her response: “Oh…Matt, I love you with all my heart.  You know, I still tell people you are my husband.”  I took that to heart and the next day bought an engagement ring, which I had planned to give Jessie at Christmas.

I didn’t give her the ring at Christmas.  The weekend before Thanksgiving, Jessie came to see me and also to look for apartments and jobs for her move.  That was one of the best weekends ever.  I was so drunk on her love and affection that she gave me, a love I have yet to experience all these years later. 

I prepared a speech to ask for her hand in marriage but I couldn’t get the words right.  I also wanted it to be in a romantic place but I settled for something intimate like my bedroom and my couch. 

We were watching some movie.  I was bored with it but it had captured Jessie’s attention.  We were all curled up together on my couch and I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. 

“What was that for?”

“Oh I felt like I needed to show gratitude to the greatest girl in the world.  You have to be the greatest to put up with me and it’s more than put up.  You actually give a damn about me.  I love you.”

“Aww…I love you too.”

“Jess, we’ve been together for a while now and I suppose this makes me a bad boyfriend that I don’t know the exact amount of time but I was wondering about how you might want me to ask you to marry you.  Like, where would you want me to pop the question?”

“I don’t know.  What are you talking about?”

“Would you want me to ask you in a public place like a restaurant or something intimate like her in my bedroom?”

"I guess I’d rather have the intimate because I wouldn’t want all those people staring.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  So what would you want me to say?”

“I guess how much you love me and how I would complete you and you want to be with me forever.”

“So…Jessica, you are the most amazing woman I have ever known and the love you have shown me has made me into a new man.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  You were put on this earth for me.  Nothing can separate us because we are meant to be.  You and me, forever, Jessie…and then ask you for marriage?”

“Aw…you are going to make me cry.”

“Well it is how I feel.  So after I say that, then what would you want me to do?”

“I suppose show me the ring.”

I reached behind my couch and grabbed the ring box.  “How about a ring like this?”

“OH MY GOD!  ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

“Jessica, will you marry me?”

“YES!”

We embraced and were engaged.  It was too good to be true.  I never wanted that moment to end.  I was in her loving arms.  I felt loved.

Jessie had to leave the next day so she could get home.  I packed her car and fueled it for her.  I got back and she was sitting on my couch admiring her ring. 

“Matt, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“I think the old saying is ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”

“Yes, but after Thanksgiving we’re both going to be busy with school and we won’t see each other until Christmas.”

“I know but our love is so strong that we can manage.”

We kissed and Jessie said it was time for her to leave.  I walked her to her car and she started the engine and rolled down the window so we could have one last kiss.  I walked back to my apartment and turned around as I watched her pull away.  She turned on to a main street slowly as she waved good-bye.  Sadly that was our last good bye.

As she waved and mouthed the words “I love you” a car came out of nowhere and slammed into her car.  Her car flew into a light pole and was wrapped around it.  I ran over to the twisted mess of metal and broken glass.  There was Jessica.  She was crushed.  I was frantically trying to rip the door off its hinges so that I could get her out.  I dug so hard that I lost fingernails on each hand.

Jessie looked up at me and coughed.  Blood trickled down her cheek and out of her mouth.

“Matt?”

“I’m here, baby, don’t worry.  I am going to get you out.”  I heard sirens.

“Matt?”

“I’m right here, Jessie, I’m trying to get you out.”

“I love you.”

“GODDAMN!  Jessie, I love you.”

“Matt, I love-“

I reached in and managed to kiss her.  I heard the sirens.  One last pull on the door broke it off.  I pulled her free and kissed her and began weeping.  Jessie was dead.  

The next few months were a blur.  Jessie’s parents blamed me for her death because they said I had her chasing foolish dreams.  I drew into a world of depression.

I haven’t loved another like I loved Jessica.  She was my one and only.  I have come close but they never made me feel the way Jessie did.

Sometimes I wish I was in that car.  Not that I want to die but that I seem to have cheated death on so many occasions.  Like the time I went running after a deer and I slipped and my shotgun flew in the air and as it landed I heard a click but was joyed to learn it misfired when I saw the barrel pointed at my head.  Oh and the time I drove my car off a thirty foot cliff.  Then I can't forget the time I decided to ride my big wheel down 4 flights of stairs.  Of course there was the time my dad left me in the car seat of the hood of his car and I slid off and landed head first on the curb.  Anyway, I miss that girl greatly and I still wish it was me that died because my life has been empty since.

I am so sick of the CIA and NSA and whoever else in the government reading all my posts and not reccing or giving me eprops.  I thought I lost my wallet but the NSA called me and told me that I left it in my other pants.

WARNING!  THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE!  Football.  Wrestling. Biceps.  Flexing.  Muscles. Push-ups.  Weightlifting.  Flexing. Ripped.  Sit-ups.  BUT SERIOUSLY IT'S NSFW.

I now know I’m officially old.  I was plucking nose hair this morning and the hair I plucked was gray and white.

I don’t know why there isn’t a medical theme park.  It could be named Thoracic Park.

What would happen if a band started there song with the normal countdown “1…2…3…4” but instead of singing and playing they were too shy to begin so the drummer just kept counting to 300.

How rich would I be if I got paid to masturbate?

The amount of time I spend looking for the perfect porn and the amount of time I actually spend masturbating is a good example of my incredible inefficiency.

Have you ever noticed that windshield wipers basically have two settings?  One is “one swipe ever 50years” and the other is “metronome for a Skrillex album”.

Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important and I don’t care if you have one.

Polar bears are pretty terrifying and even worse they can swim.  Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.  While you’re at it, why don’t you give sharks some legs and chainsaws for fins.

I think at one point we have all thought about hijacking the Schwann’s truck…well at least those of us in the Midwest.

I have this idea where I want to roleplay with a girl when we have sex.  I’m going to pretend her name is Jessica.  I won’t request any kinky stuff or anything like that.  I just want her name to be Jessica.

If there are shoes called Toms, are there socks named Jerrys?

I don’t get stoned because marijuana is never strong enough to make me that way.  I just get slightly pebbled.

Have you ever eaten a pizza and had it burn the roof of your mouth or had the crust scrape the sides of your throat and then you wondered why everything beautiful in this world has to have a dark side?

I’m white but not “we should eat at Olive Garden” white.

One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

I wish Dwayne Johnson came to my house for my birthday and when I opened the door he shouted, “Party Rock is in the house tonight”.  If he doesn’t do that he doesn’t know the untold fortunes he could be making.

I feel bad for any adult that is one a Disney Channel show.  It’s like they went through their entire career without getting any roles and had to settle for playing the bald dad or airhead mom.

I may not be your cup of tea but I’m definitely your sixth shot of tequila.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Disney movie about a pig that plays basketball and is called “Ball Hog”.

I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year? I hear he’s doing a special this year where he’s going to test George Washington’s DNA to see if he really is the father of this country.

I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

I’m sort of excited to go to the movie theater to see the new Superman movie.  I just can’t figure out which of my 5 Superman capes I should wear.

Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets madeb y journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?  And instead of spending all his time in a factory or nightclub with Nazis he'd spend his days on a playground shooting basketball to free Jews.

The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can’t read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

I was sitting on a bench in a Walmart a few days ago.  There was a cart filled with Superman merchandise next to the bench.  I think it hadn’t been put out on the Superman display near the bench.  The weird part was that when people walked by they gave me incredulous looks as if the cart were mine.

Today was my first day at my new job.  I’m sort of insulted to be a “day dancer” but Chippendale’s has excellent health care including a top notch dental plan.

I’m a racist.  I hate pretty much all races.  100m, 1000m,marathons, hurdles, cross country…the list could go on.

Whenever I wear my Nazi army helmet and have my Japanese WWII sword attached to my belt people treat me nicely.

You know the Tony Awards are pretty lame when I won one.  Yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around.  I was off in New York getting my Tony.  I won for Best Fat Guy in a Musical.

I’ve been hearing about all the people clamoring about the first views of the Xbox One and the PS4. That is nice and all but I’m still trying to figure out the original Super Mario Brothers and how Mario could throw fireballs underwater.

If there are waffle cones, why aren’t there pancake cones,crepe cones, or French toast cones?

I really need to stop being so apologetic.  I realized I had a problem this weekend when I made eye contact during cunnilingus and apologized but then she did yell at me so I guess I don’t have a problem. Sorry for making you think I needed help.

I love summer vacation because that means no pants until late August.

My cats wrote a screenplay for Fast and Furious 7 in their litterbox this weekend.

You know those family stickers that people put in the back windows of their car?  Well I have one but it’s just a single guy.  I put it there so the ladies know I’m a family man looking to make a family.

How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.

I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.

Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.

Everyone is making this new Xanga out to be so great in that it will do everything for you.  Will it give me a blowjob?  Will it not complain when I decide to stave off ejaculation because it’s so pleasurable?  Will it leave after 90 minutes?

Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.

Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.

I thought the beef was from a male cow but I guess that was a miss steak.

These Speedos really do bring out my personality.

Gordon Ramsay wears Crocs. How good of a chef can he really be? What a Croc of shit!

I think the reason tears have salt in them is because Mother Nature wants them to burn because it gets you to stop crying and being such a pansy.

Have you ever thought about balloons as gifts?  It’s like you’re giving someone a bag of your breath.  Hopefully you didn’t eat onions before you blew it up otherwise you could be charged with chemical warfare which is totally a violation of the Geneva Convention.

I think JFK’s inauguration speech would’ve had more impact if it had been, “Ask not what the pussy can do for you but what you can do for the pussy.”

While on the topic of pussy…overheard at school “Her pussy is looser than the speed limit enforcement in this town.”

I tutored a pregnant 6^th grader today.  Also, if any of you are thinking of becoming a teacher, I listened to a kid give a ten minute Power Point presentation on dubstep.

A girl once had a mental breakdown because my boobs were bigger than hers.

I hear people talking about “nudes”.  What are they?  Can someone show me?

Why do people take photos of their buttholes?  Even better, why are there people who want to see photos of buttholes?  And still, who decides one day that they want to stick their tongue on a butthole?  What the fuck is wrong with this world?

I texted a girl that I’m hornet.  She thought it was a typo.  She’ll soon find out the truth.

I have always wondered if there is a dumbass out there who has watched a few seasons of Dexter and thought that he could get away with murder and then actually tried.  I have wondered if I could but I’m not dumbass enough to try.

I’m a lot like my refrigerator.  I’m cold on the inside and filled with processed cheese and lunch meats.

Have you ever choked on your own spit and then felt like natural selection was trying to tell you something?

They say blood is thicker than water but mayonnaise is thicker than blood so I guess that means I have to put egg salad before my family.

I originally wanted to be cremated but since I live near a funeral home I ask the funeral director if he could get me in the coffin and have me flexing my amazing 24 inch pythons for all eternity and he said he could.  So I’m going to be buried flexing my muscles and my tombstone is going to read “Ripped in Peace”.

Why are there guys named “Dick” and no girls named “Pussy”?  That’s sexist.

Obama’s dog is more popular than I am and that sort of makes me upset.

So it’s June now. Looks like I’ve wasted five months of the year.  Oh well, here’s to wasting another seven.

Thanks to The Great Gatsby, every time I can’t remember someone’s name I call them “old sport”.

Is there baking soda in your refrigerator?  Legend has it that if there is baking soda in there that it’s so old that if you eat a spoonful it’s like tripping on acid.

I once performed cunnilingus on a girl during Law and Order: SVU.  It didn’t last long because the weird sex stuff they were talking about on the show killed the mood.

Why are white people the only people who talk about nationalities with fractions?

My sense of humor can be best described as “Oh my god” and “Please stop, this is a funeral”.

When is VH-1 going to have a “Pope Benedict: Where are they Now” special?

I need to get something off my chest.  It’s my shirt.  Let’s have sex.

I can’t believe people think it’s OK for a girl to be a Lebanese.  What has the world come to?

I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig.

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pickup some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

How much are you supposed to talk about the fear of dying alone on a second date?  I’m not sure if I said too much or not enough.  I figure that if the date went well I got a kiss at the end but if it went bad I will spend eternity alone.

What music genre would you recommend for a guy who loves rhyming and bragging about material possessions?

HAHAHAHA!  You fools!  What you think are spam emails have provided me with numerous iPads and a massive penis!

I’m a gentle lover mostly because I have a flaccid penis.  But at least it's massive thanks to those emails.

If you have sex with an Asian girl, does your penis become blurry?

Maybe I’ll join the new Xanga after all.  The only thing is the new GodfatherofGreenBay blog will be different.  It will follow all my sexual exploits just as soon as I finish building my sex robot.  Until then, if anyone needs me, I’ll be lowering my standards on JDate and OnlineBootyCall.  I am conflicted with internet dating because part of me thinks it’s creepy and then part of me wants to have sex with a stranger I met on the internet.

Xanga needs to follow the business model of my porn site…POST MORE PORN!

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I think the moral of the story is we’ve all been on Xanga way too long.

New Xanga motto: Stop being rude and start being nude.

Geez, Xanga is going to die before me.  I was planning on having you all come to my funeral and have each of you read one of my posts so that everyone in the crowd would realize it was good that I was dead. Thanks a lot for ruining my plans, Xanga Team.  While we’re at it, I really don’t want to pledge money or pay for something that’s free unless Xanga has a business plan in place and they have someone who can operate the finances of this site because obviously the old crew couldn’t do the work because if they could then Xanga wouldn’t be in this mess.  I say we make theologianscafe the CEO of Xanga: ANUSTART

Well, gang, I want to buy a new car and you're going to help me.  See the car I want costs about $60,000 and you are going to have to pay for it but you won't get to use it.  See I really have to have this car because it's so fancy.  I don't really need anything fancy to get me from here to there but I HAVE TO HAVE IT!  I know it's a lot to ask of you to give me all this money since I haven't been around much and I haven't answered emails or replied to any comments or concerns and haven't really updated things around my site or fixed some of the things I know are giving you problems but damn it, you're giving me this money.  If not, you won't get to see #caturday any more.  And who doesn't want to see cute cat pics like these:

Now wasn't that fun?  IF you want to see more of that you'll give me $60,000 for a new car.  If not, then I guess you can go elsewhere for your cat photos and plan on this being the last #caturday ever.  Well here's the pledge site.  Now...GIVE ME MONEY!  You have 6 minutes.  Also, if any ladies want my cellphone number so they can send me photos of their genitals, that would help toward reaching the goal somehow.