It's May 4th as in "May the Fourth be with you" which is sort of like that one line from Star Wars, "It's a trap!" or "I find your lack of faith disturbing." or "I’ve got a very bad feeling about this." or "These blast points — too accurate for sandpeople. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise." It's also #caturday.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday. I really haven't paid attention or looked at which horse is currently the favorite this year but I'm thinking of possibly going to the OTB at the local casino. I might not enjoy the race but I'll enjoy the ladies dressed up in the ridiculous hats and I'll also love all the mint juleps. I lived on a horse farm for two years during high school and thought there was nothing special about those creatures. They just chewed grass and straw all day long but over the years I've come to appreciate horse racing. There is just something special about watching the ponies run. Hell, I can enjoy myself watching horse races without the mint juleps or gambling and for a while I had to at Canterbury.
One thing that has always amazed me about horse racing are the names of the horses. The owners like to get very creative with the names. There is quite a lengthy list of rules that The Jockey's Club has established. For instance horse names cannot be more than 18 characters long and they can't be named after living people unless permission is granted. Another rule is that the names can't be vulgar or obscene. I guess some owners didn't get that memo. Here is a list of some of my favorite horse names:
Bodacious Ta Ta's (that philly had a peculiar strut)
Date More Minors (Can horses be pedophiles?)
OHBEEGEEWHYEN (Must have had a practice when she wasn't racing)
Wrecked Em (Has a proctology practice in the same building as OHBEEGEEWHYEN)
Anita Cocktail (not to be confused with Anita Dick)
Hardawn (I don't think that is possible when watching races)
Golden Showers (From the 1940s so I am sure they didn't have such deviant acts back then)
Girls On Top (the best way to ride)
Ménage Á Trois (The horse, the jockey, and the whip...kinky)
Rhythm Method (Sadly this horse didn't always perform the way it was intended to)
Black Servant (A horse from the simpler yet incredibly racist times of the 20s.)
The Cock (He placed 6th at the 1916 Derby probably because he had that something extra weighing him down)
The Winner (Too bad he finished in last place)
Our Dad (Apparently bestiality is alive and well in the horse racing community)
Spineless Jellyfish (didn't make it out of the gates because it was scared)
No Stinking Badges (We don't need No Stinking Badges to show)
Acid Reflux (I hear they get her to run extra fast after they feed her Mexican food)
Sexy Librarian (Who hasn't had that fantasy...WITH A HUMAN...WITH A HUMAN!)
No Fat Chicks (But of course, it would slow her down)
Sheikh'nnotstirred (Who knew James Bond was into horse racing)
Sotally Tober (Why occiffer of course there's blood in my alcohol stream)
Cunning Stunt (Whoever chose this name was a cunning linguist like myself...I hope you get that one, ladies 
)
Senior Discount (The sad thing about this horse is that it never finished a race because it always had to be at Denny's before 5PM to get the early bird special)
Hoof Hearted (I'll let the video explain it and if you don't get it, say the name really fast)
Cum Rocket (No comment is necessary)
Well I looked it up, Orb is the favorite this year at 7:2.
This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.
When you read this voice, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.
Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.
“Sorry, not sorry” has replaced Miranda Rights in 2013.
Jokes complaining about other jokes are the least funny type of jokes and probably unfunnier than the jokes you are complaining about to begin with so quit making fun of “chicken road crossing jokes”.
You can’t touch music but you can touch boobs so I guess that’s better.
Some people use mass in calculations to find energy and others go to mass to have the energy drained out of them.
I wish MSNBC would have a real news flash…Rachel Maddow exposing her breasts.
I hate when people say “words cannot express how I feel”. That’s such a slap in the face of words. Words can express whatever you want them to. Sure you may have to put thought into it but that’s why words were invented, dog-gong it.
I usually classify myself as an optimist but not a “The Hangover 3 is going to be good” optimist.
I am such a cruel teacher. When I make scantron tests I make the answers “A-C-D-C” in a continuous loop.
Blood is thicker than water. Motor oil is thicker than blood. Cherish you car more than your family and eliminate those who object. Chevy runs deep. You can lead your horse to water but if you want your horse to crush the competition then you better lead your horse to Gatorade. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s white male privilege. Buy 2, get both! God, all that Mad Men has made me start thinking of new slogans for businesses.
Why is it that movies that have stories involving strippers are insistent on a plot line?
Whenever I listen to Radiohead I feel like I’m staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back and is playing some sweet-ass tunes.
I like going to the Catholic church for confession and describing movies to the priest. It’s always interesting how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers I get for the Batman movies.
I’m pretty sure the next Jurassic Park movie will be in 4D. They’ll release dinosaurs into the theater and you have to see if you can survive for two hours.
I think I’d make a pretty good parent because my parents have given me plenty of lessons on how not to be a parent.
“Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi is very awkward to listen to because it sounds like Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward. His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy. If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.
Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.
I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India. The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A. I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.
My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn. I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.
I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it. Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it? It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.
I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.
The often say that real women have curves. I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.
I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.
Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.
Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser. I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.
I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.
Why is America still fighting the war on drugs? It’s not like drugs have any oil.
There is no “I” in “denial”
Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?
I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.
I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer. I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.
I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.
The fastest way to a girl’s heart is by watching King of Queens reruns and interpretive dance.
I only watch porn to evaluate the camera angles for artistic and aesthetic merit.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
My hidden agenda is that I need to find it because it’s hidden.
I can’t write swear words in cursive.
I can’t believe Michael Richards wasn’t in Django Unchained.
My favorite baseball team named after a militia that was created to raid, rob, rape, and murder Native Americans is the Texas Rangers.
I need a Harley. All the guys I saw on Harleys today were fat slobs like me and they all had drop dead gorgeous women with them. This one stuck out and I’m still picturing her. She must’ve been six feet tall and 5 feet of that were her legs. I’m a sucker for long legs. The rest of her was boobs. I’m not a good judge of bra size so I’m guessing anywhere from D to H cup. I think she was also a size zero. And black hair. I’m out of hand lotion. Damn.
Apparently I look shady. I was sitting in my SUV eating some lunch before I went into a huge hardware chain store. This old guy pulled up across from me in his truck. He and his wife get out and then he makes eye contact with me. He then said to his wife, “I think I should lock up.” He locked all the doors manually and then he double-checked to make sure they were locked. He even locked his tailgate and truck cab window. I was impressed. It’s an awesome feeling inspiring fear like that instead of a cat jumping back when I pop my head around a door.
It got up to 90F here today. Tomorrow the forecasted high is supposed to only be 45F. Just when my testicles come out for summer the vas defrans pulls them back in. I'm glad they didn't use that line in The Godfather movie.
I was watching Netflix and found this cooking show where the chef was making pot au chocolat. It was essentially baked chocolate pudding. I got inspired and wanted some so I went out and bought some chocolate pudding snack packs.
I told a girl that I invented life insurance. She believed me. I don’t think I can be with a girl who thinks I invented life insurance.
There’s something magical about going to Walmart and hearing Nickelback on the in-store radio and then hearing Creed right after.
I saw this woman crying in Walmart. I thought I’d be a gentleman and console her. I didn’t bother asking what made her cry so I said, “There, there, I too cried when I found out Walmart stopped carrying Frank’s Red Hot flavored Pringles.”
I bought some red, white, and blue licorice. I have mixed feelings. If I eat it does that mean I'm a terrorist because I'm devouring America?
I recently applied for a new job. I didn’t get it. I applied to be a stripper. Apparently they weren’t ready for my act. They really didn’t understand my dancing to “Da Da Da” by Trio. I was shocked they weren’t blown away by my set to the music of Celine Dion. You should’ve seen how everything flopped around when she hit those powerful notes in “My Heart Will Go On”. I also had another dance where I stood in place and didn’t move my feet. The song I did that routine to was “You Spin Me Right Round”. Please don’t use your imagination.
My girlfriend wanted me to get her one of those Build-a-Bears. It was like $50. I thought that was a tad steep for a stuffed animal. I just snuck into her room and tore up a teddy bear her grandfather gave her and told her to put it back together.
Have you ever noticed that on the Scooby Doo cartoon that the only real paranormal activity the gang ever encountered was a talking dog?
Why buy the cow when you can buy hand lotion at Walmart?
I refuse to pay full price for donuts because they always have holes in them.
I have no idea what the word “illuminated” means. Could someone shed some light on it?
I can’t wait for the day on Xanga when I have posts older than my followers.
You know I got thinking. Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr have garnered a lot of popularity in recent days and many new accounts were created because the Boston bombing suspect supposedly had accounts on all those mediums. People want to be his friend on all of those networks. It’s so weird. Maybe Xanga could negotiate with some terrorists to use Xanga. At least they could convince Westboro Baptist members to start Revelife blogs.
I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga. Wait, have I already done that joke?
Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.
Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.
Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama. First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions. Second, don’t comment on that site. Third, don’t recommend it. Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things. It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.
I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me. I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.
Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?
There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.
Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless. Get outside and get some air.
I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.
Is Xanga a blogging site or a communist dating site? No one ever briefed me on this.
I hope this post motivates me to start replying to people...sorry.
...will not be seen here because it's #caturday.
Now I'm off to my super top secret Tumblr where I post pornography and use a photo of my penis for the profile pic...oops...ugh...I mean I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
It’s always nice to see so many people on Xanga undermining their education or employment. Kudos to you! Now leave me eprops. And I don’t think you understand that if I don’t get enough eprops then I have to go work in the acid mines.
I can look back at my life and proudly say that I have only used the word “peasants” in reference to the feudal system.
The next time you say “fuck the police” remember the response of the Boston police when those bombs went off. I tryto respect the police even if they are always interrupting my life of crime.
Happy birthday to me. I’m going to spend the day alone and unseen like every other day that isn’t my birthday.
I think I might be a sociopath because I like to reunite broken Wheat Thins before I eat them.
I’m a sucker for girls with hair colors that could double as Gatorade colors.
If you’ve never stolen farm animals in the middle of the night and harvested and sold their organs to a major university then you never had a proper childhood.
Everything I learned about romance I learned in a Burger King bathroom.
We have Earth Day so when the fuck is Pluto Day?
I was driving on the freeway recently and saw a homeless guy in the median. I don’t know why there was a homeless guy in the median of the freeway but he gave me a thumbs up so I must’ve been driving like a boss.
I don’t know why girls wear bras when they have me. I’m very supportive.
Why do they make black and white jelly beans? The black ones taste like the tears of orphans and the white ones taste like the souls of the damned.
I’ve often wondered how they could put the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer” on a Kidz Bop album. The original lyrics are “I want to fuck you like an animal”. I bet the Kidz Bop lyrics would be “I prefer Gogurt to Danimals”.
It’s sort of interesting to think how when someone dies everyone becomes the deceased’s friend. It’s sort of upsetting to know I’ll have more friends when I die in a couple of months than when I lived and that is why I have it stipulated that my funeral will have a velvet rope and a doorman to only let certain people in.
Blink 182 is such an inspiration. All their lyrics about getting blowjobs from your mom and grandfather and fucking dogs in the ass really struck a nerve and have saved me. But seriously, is it so much to ask for a blowjob?
I always love when a girl I try to talk to stops me mid-sentence with, “You strike me as the type of guy who masturbates on Chatroulette in his spare time.”
Earth Day was sort of useless because all the commercials and use of the internet to get the word out increased electricity usage. Also on Earth Day, Wind and Fire sit in the corner and pout and write emo rock for their side project. Also the most impractical ways of celebrating Earth Day is by reusing condoms, reducing landfill size by dumping garbage in a lake, and turning off your lights and burning gasoline as a light source. I celebrated Earth Day by not flushing after I peed and not washing my hands. I also didn’t drive my car not because I didn’t want to emit gasses into the atmosphere but because I couldn’t afford gas. You’re welcome, environment.
How is there a Scary Movie 5 movie? How is there a Grown Ups 2? How are those movies made and an adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” not a movie?
I usually assume all people hate me until they tell me they like or love me and then I assume they’re lying.
I am the participation award personified.
I got thinking about the character Catwoman recently. I think she picked “Catwoman” instead of“Dogwoman” because who wants to be a super bitch?
I think I may have to start eating at McDonald’s more often now that they offer alternatives to the Happy Meal such as the Apathetic Meal,the Existential Crisis Meal, and the Depressed Meal.
I haven’t had sex in such a long time that I’m pretty sure I could beat a gorilla in an arm wrestling match.
Whenever people say “friendzone” I think of a giant calzone that is so big you have to share it with friends.
I got kicked out of a mattress store today. The salesman asked if I wanted to buy a mattress and I said I had my choices narrowed down to two. He asked how long I needed to make my decision. I said, “Well, I think I need to sleep on it.” Apparently they hear that joke every ten minutes.
I think one of the reasons why I’m single besides the obesity and the poor health is that whenever a girl takes me to meet her parents I usually blurt out, “I’ve licked your daughter’s nipples.” I’m not a bad boyfriend; I’m just a horrible person.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t that big of a surprise. You should wait a month or two after their birthday to surprise them. I’m expecting my friends to throw me one heck of a surprise party soon since most all of them forgot my birthday this year and there won’t be another.
I like to think that cats have their own internet and there are epic stories of how I create water and food and they post photos of me on Matturday.
Every guy thinks the perfect woman is 36-24-36. That’s not true. A perfect woman is 20-30-40. She has the body of 20 year old, looks like a30 year old, and has sex like a 40 year old. She also has to consider me handing her her purse when the bill comes at a restaurant to be an act of chivalry.
I hate people who say “expresso”. I hate people who say “ESSpresso”. I also hate people.
If you can’t handle me at my worst then you won’t like me at my best since there’s really not much of a difference.
I sort of feel bad closing my browser after I’m done masturbating. I probably should learn to cuddle afterwards. I don’t usually masturbate more than once a day but when I do I’m overcome with happiness.
I asked my grandfather where babies come from and he took me to a carnival and showed me the game where you shoot water in the clown’s mouth until the balloon rises.
I finally figured out how to get people to stop showing me photos of their kids. I simply whisper,“Oh fuck yeah that’s hot” after they show me photos.
I don’t always fantasize about stabbing people with a broken beer bottle but when I do it’s Dos Equis.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Because everything will eventually be wireless you better tell extension cords and telephone poles how you feel now.
I think the reason I’m not married is because you can never settle down with a person who has ADHD.
Whenever I hear the term “terrorist” I can’t help but chuckle because I think that someone got that title as a promotion at a haunted house. You think that’s not funny? Well they want us to live in fear. Laugh at them. Mock them. Kick them in the balls. I sort of wish Matt Damon and Ben Affleck caught those two and gave them a “remember me from kindergaden” beating.
I always wonder why they never made children’s vitamins featuring The Jetsons. They’d have to have futuristic flavors because The Flintsone vitamins tasted like fossilized dinosaur shit.
I think Pizza Hut would do well in third world countries but they may have to change the name to Pizza Mansion.
I’ve always wanted to try a handshake. You know, a milkshake flavored like hands.
“On your marks get set go,” is a run on sentence.
Sometimes I think the reason some of my family is Jewish is because they were too cheap to buy the New Testament. I’m as Jewish as Olive Garden is Italian.
My flashlight helps me see through the darkness. My fleshlight helps me get through the dark times of life.
My girlfriend said we needed to become Facebook official with our relationship. I suggested changing my status to “Completely Whipped”. I’m single if anyone is interested.
If it wasn’t for the right to assembly we’d live in a country without Legos.
There is no world scarier than one in which an Elvis impersonator trying to assassinate the U.S. president is on page three of the newspaper.
Since I’m not using my penis for sex I think I should use it for something suitable like a paperweight.
I’ve been told that I have diarrhea because of all the stress in my life. I guess I really need to work through my shit.
Apparently the staff and patrons of IHOP aren’t appreciative of my interpretive dance of “She’s Got the Look”.
I keep trying to watch the movie “Lincoln”. It feels like I started it four score and seven years ago.
Time revealed it’s 100 most influential people of the year this week and for the 9th straight year I’m number 101.
I’m like chicken pox to women. They don’t want me but if they get me then they’re lucky they only have to have me once.
I never objectify women with nice asses.
When people tell me they “don’t want to get off on the wrong foot” with me I usually reply, “Please don’t try to get off on either of my feet, pervert.”
I have an addictive personality which is why I tend to stay away from drugs, banjos, and fruit.
I tried to follow my dreams but they blocked me on Xanga.
Lately I’ve felt my Xanga has sucked so much that I’ve thought about changing my name to “Hoover”.
It’s sort of funny how people go all mental over the Xanga front page about whether or not they get on the front page or not. I’d hate to see how they’d act if they achieved anything in their real life.
Sometimes I think arguing with people on Xanga is as about as useful as explaining quantum physics to a potato.
New Xanga motto: Xanga is a great place to meet new friends and in your case so are insane asylums, prisons, and brothels.
Part of me says I should go to bed early so I can be healthy but the other part of me says I should stay up late and check Xanga because if I don’t I may miss something. Guess which side wins.
Whenever there are fights on Xanga, I feel like I’m a maid and I’m listening to a husband and wife fighting while I clean the glassware and worry if there is any more Lemon Pledge.
New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, be prepared to have someone write a 15 page essay in response to your last post accusing you of ableism.
You really have to plan what time you post on Xanga. You could post and reveal the meaning of life and all the world’s secret but if you don’t post it at the right time all you’ll get are marriage proposals from Nigerian princesses.
Well it’s that time of the night where I transform myself from a sophisticated humor blogger to a hopeless train wreck. Good night, everyone.
I made a list.
Please, Doctor, fix it.
Time for some drinking.
I'll put the yellow cake in the basket.
LIKE!
Then once they are born we can send our armed babies on an invasion of North Korea.
'murkia
Thank god for Netflix
I love that big chain pharmacies sell tobacco products. Walgreen's was the only place where I could get my filterless Luckies.
I have that sign on my bed.
Geology 101
Happy Earth Day! How did you celebrate?
Please excuse me while I go SCUBA dive with the amount of air from this bag of chips I just opened.
Have you taken time out of your day to thank God that you’re not a Juggalo or are you just an ungrateful piece of trash?
Does anyone else feel like they’re on top of the world when they shave their balls?
There’s a reason why Cartoon Network calls their late night programming Adult Swim. The humor is extremely sophisticated and exclusively developed for people with a high mental caliber which means only the world’s best and brightest can watch and appreciate Adult Swim.
It’s sort of messed up that four of the world’s greatest artists were named after the ninja turtles.
I think I’m going to write a book titled “The Catholic Church Created Islam to Destroy the Protestant Movement and Other Crazy Shit this One Old Guy at My Church Says”. I’m fairly certain it would be a bestseller in some circles.
Have you ever watched lesbian porn and thought, “not with those nails, you don’t.”
In the 1800s was 10 years old so I guess you can’t really rant about sexually active middle and high schoolers and say, “kids these days”are getting worse. Also the teen pregnancy rate was higher in the 1950s and they didn’t even have MTV promising them a lot of money and fame if they get pregnant.
I like how two of the most cited love stories are Romeo& Juliet and Titanic and both involve teenagers who knew each other less than a week so I guess there is no such thing as love. It was either created to sell tickets to plays or movies or sell greeting cards.
Pick-up lines destined for failure: (point at crotch) “You going to eat that?” “Are you an elevator because I want to go down on you?” “Damn, girl, you’re a Triscut because you’re really gross and I don’t like you.” “Girl, you are hotter than a plate a waitress warns me about being very hot.” “Your father must be an anteater,because your body is nearly ant free.” "Sure you have scoliosis, girl but you are the hunchback of Notre DAMN!"
I want to follow Liam Neeson around in a major city and every time he hails a taxicab I want to run up and jump in before he can and then turn around and yell at him “TAKEN!”
I’ve enjoyed playing a game the last few days called “Is it thunder or someone rolling a garbage can down my driveway?”
I’m taking an anatomy class at the local extension college and I have a test coming up so I’m going to have to have you ladies send me some nude pics so I can study.
If parallel universe exist then imagine every possible scenarios of things that are happening now. That means somewhere I’m a benevolent dictator and my citizens love me. How fucking rad is that?
If you ever feel creepy about some of your sexual kinks just remember there’s an artist out there that’s painted herself having sex with every U.S.president up to Grant.
I’m pitching a sitcom to NBC that will definitely be able to replace The Office. It’s about what happens when a dictator from North Korea has to move into and share an apartment with a popstar from South Korea. I’m calling it “Seoul Mates”.
There’s a new STD out there called “feelings”. You don’t want to catch that. There’s also another new one called “super herpes”. You also don’t want to catch that one.
I smell sex and candy. Guess I’m never coming to this candy store again…unless it’s for sex and then I’ll definitely cum and cum again.
Why would people perform analingus? Poop comes out of there. Why would people perform cunnilingus? Blood comes out of there. Why would people kiss and put their tongue in someone’s mouth? Words comes out of there.
Thinking about love makes me feel stupid.
Jay-Z recently wrote, recorded, and released a rap single all in a matter of a day about his recent trip to Cuba. So if you want to show me your slides from your recent vacation you had better step it up.
John Green is basically the real-life version of Brian Griffin if he got published.
Remember that time we got high and caught that raccoon and I told you to paint it with all the colors of the wind?
I think out of all the social networking sites, Myspace is the best because I waste no time visiting it.
I hate when people literally abuse the word “literally”.
Are offline couples still a thing?
As much as some of you seem to like me, I’m almost certain you wouldn’t stand me in real life with my balding head, weirdo voice, pelvis thrusts, and hip gyrations.
How many Red Bulls does it take before you get those wings? I’ve had 11 so far and all I’ve managed to do is bleed from my eyeballs. Oddly enough, I can now understand everything that R2D2 says. He’s so wise. They should’ve taken his advice more often.
If you drink Red Bull and Nyquil at the same time, your brain will start showing you colors that don’t exist in the world and also deleted scenes from The Shining.
Someone called me pretentious today. I nearly choked on my trenta decaf double chocolate chai mocha latte breve with skim soy milk.
If you drink 3 bloody marys while looking in a mirror, yourself-respect will appear and tell you to get your shit together.
Which of these rivers has the biggest mouth: the Mississippi, the Amazon, the Nile,or Joan? The answer is Joan.
I tried this texting and driving they are warning the kids about. No wonder they don’t want kids doing it. It’s fun!
I bet if Dollar Tree started selling gas they’d be bigger than Walmart in a matter of days.
I decided it was time to wash my camouflage pants. I couldn’t find them in the washing machine after the load was finished.
Do you think Sleeping Beauty had morning breath after the prince kissed her?
And now blah blah blah
Diem carped me so now I’m pressing charges because there is no way I want to be carped.
I think outrage is the only thing still manufactured in the U.S.A.
A lot of Americans were outraged that Glee did a school shooting episode. Frankly, I could careless. I would’ve been outraged, however,if they did a Radiohead song.
I need to give my penis a name. I think I’ll name him “Rick Moranis”. I picked that name because he’s short and hasn’t been in anything for quite some time.
Funniest joke of the week: I have a soulpatch.
My girlfriend and I were watching TV and we saw a commercial for The Three Stooges. She said it looked funny and wanted to see the movie as well as some of the original Stooges’ films. I went shopping for an engagement ring the next day. Then the day after that I was committed to an asylum because I have no girlfriend.
Getting drunk and puking has surpassed baseball as the new national pastime.
My pastor says “YOLO” stands for “You Obey (the) Lord’s Orders” and “SWAG” stands for “Satan Watching Angry Goats”.
You have to use protection when doing anal sex because if you’re not safe a female could give birth to a politician 9 months later.
On a scale of 1 to Matt, how miserable are you feeling today?
It’s hard to believe that on April 13th, 1996,Saturday Night Live host Steve Forbes introduced Rage Against the Machine as the musical guest. Are any of those things around today?
I auditioned for a role on TV this weekend. My character was supposed to comb his hair to each side. Sadly I didn’t get the part.
If you ever run into a weatherman or a news anchor on a local TV station, is it appropriate to ask for their autograph? How about if they are in a bathroom stall?
I like when girls wear yoga pants in public and also bluejeans and also dresses and also all other types of outfits. I just like girls in public but get me in private with a girl and I get massively shy or massively perverted.
Would you let someone who was nicknamed “Stinkballs” in high school do your taxes at Walmart?
I’ve been watching so many British shows on my Netflix lately that I’ve developed a British accent and have started driving on the opposite side of the road.
I can’t wait until someone cares about me enough to fix me.
If a movie wins an award from MTV is it really considered an“award”? The MTV Movie Awards show is proof positive that actors make horrible actors.
I’m pretty sure that most of the Care Bears don’t really give a shit.
Why do we allow Australians to come to America and compete at our golf outings? It’s not like any Americans are going to Australia to compete in kangaroo jumping contests.
I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.
This summer I plan on using McDonald’s food for fishing. I’ll toss it in and wait for the fish to die of diabetes.
I consider myself to be a wizard because of how many sexual dry spells I have.
I thought someone was playing a Nicki Minaj song in my kitchen. Turns out my microwave was running.
“Reality” is just a contraction of “real” and “shitty”
It is never sandal season for people with toenails that look like Fritos.
I had a nightmare that my entire life was narrated by the guy who does all the commercial voice overs for Bravo.
Xanga is like fine wine. It gets better the more you drink.
“Xanga Crush” sounds like the worst type of pop ever.
It’s amazing that some of the things we say on Xanga today would’ve got us locked up in a mental institution and given shock treatment 75years ago.
Imagine if Xanga had funerals for when people closed their accounts. If I ever had a funeral I could hear it now, “He posted softcore porn and photos of cats.”
Why are you on Xanga right now? It’s not peak hours time. It’s almost like you enjoy it here.
New Xanga motto…Xanga: It’s Only Funny When It’s a Veiled Cry for Help
My mom asked me why people befriend me on Xanga. I told her that people enjoy watching car crashes. She then says, “That’s great,Matt, your brother is married and has children and has a good job and a good house and doesn’t look like he’s homeless.” I am the Clint Howard of my family and I don’t have any siblings.
Every time someone closes their Xanga account, the Amish win.
I wish Xanga was like Survivor in that we could vote someone off because so many people are assholes.
I tried watching Mad Men but all the cigarettes gave me incredible cravings. GAH...I want a Lucky so bad. When I watched Band of Brothers I think I smoked a pack per episode. My fingers became stained this ugly brown color because the Luckies were filterless and I'd smoke them down until my fingers were getting a burn. Nicotine and burns...then when I wasn't smoking I could sniff my fingers and get the smell all over again sort of like when I had a girlfriend. I was thinking of doing another song facts post but I'm not because I didn't write anything in my sleep and I didn't want to force it. But it got me thinking of songs and I was thinking of "Ignition" (remix) by R Kelly and I remembered that someone used that wonderful feature on the White House website to get a petition to change the national anthem to that song. However it won't be happening because the petition didn't reach enough signatures in the allotted time. I'm so upset because I was looking forward to changing up the lyrics and hopefully getting my lyrics used as the national anthem:
This is the remix to Ignition
Francis Scott Key edition
Mama wavin' that flag
Got the Foundin' Fathers up in here wishin'
Sippin' on that freedom
I'm like, so what I'm drunk
It's a freakin' eagle
Baby, we got us a Constitution
I was working out at the gym the other day and guess who should hop in the shower next to me? It was none other than Tom Jones. Now, there have been many rumors about the size of this guy's penis and that it was abnormally large. Let's just say, it's not unusual. That's for my mom. You're welcome. Don't you think it's time to get over your unhealthy obsession with Tom Jones? Just because him and dad used to run cocaine in the Caribbean doesn't mean he's still in his prime. Oh and I suppose you loved all those times when those two held all you can eat seafood buffets at gunpoint until they had their fill of scallops...ooops, I shouldn't air my family's dirty laundry. Just disregard all of this because it's story time.
Gather around kiddies, Uncle Mateo is about to tell you the legend of Ol' One Nut. It all started in the little sleepy town of Wonewoc eons ago. It was a spring afternoon. I remember it being late spring because we were running around the playground after school had let out and we weren't wearing jackets and we were on the playground trying to figure out how many days of school were left.
We were all latch-key children and we had nothing better to do than to play on the playground. Looking back, it wasn't directly after school had dismissed but maybe an hour or so later, just around the time parents would arrive home from work. I didn't live in Wonewoc but my grandmother lived across the street from the school. I was waiting for my mom to arrive so we could begin work in my grandmother's garden.
A group of us had a assembled. There was Jo-Jo, the Incredible Hulk, Jared (who would become One Nut), Nick, the African Dream (not racist because he was born in Africa), and there seems to be a few others whose names escape me because of my old age. I think it is also imperative that I mention that if I was telling these stories orally, I would say "parentheses". (Just for your files)
After the discussion ended about when the school year finished, we involved ourselves in a rollicking game of ball tag. Not the ball tag I was introduced to in high school where a guy would back hand slap your testicles and say "You're it." No this game of ball tag involved a rubber ball thrown at excessive speeds in order to make an indirect object "it". When a person would become "it" and the ball was rolling on the ground, those who were not "it" would hurl boastful insults at the person who was "it". In once such occurrence is when Jared became Ol' One Nut.
I couldn't tell you who became "it" but I remember that Jared jumped on the playground's tire swing to hurl his hyperbole at the person who had been declared "it" by consensus of ball striking their body. Jared jumped on a tire swing similar to this:
I do not know these children and they are not mine. It is paramount that you see what this tire swing looks like for my story to continue. I will wait while you study the photo....OK, Jared ran to the tire swing but didn't sit in it properly. He wrapped his legs around one of the chain link connectors. Jared started with his exultant bellowing but soon that bellowing turned to cries of agony.
Jared was wearing basketball shorts and in those days when Uncle Mateo was a child, basketball shorts rarely exceeded in length below the knees like nowadays. Jared's shorts rode up his leg and his scrotum was attached to the chain link. He screamed and screamed. I still hear his pain all these years later. He couldn't get loose as we stood around in disbelief at his predicament. Soon we began questioning which adult we should get help from. Jared didn't want to get in trouble so with one swift movement he tore himself free. Yes, he tore himself free. When he had secured freedom, the blood flowed along with other things. He grabbed his crotch and took off like a lightning bolt from his home. None of us moved except Jo-Jo. She went closer to examine Jared's remains. She started crying as she picked up the remnants of Jared's testicle. She carried it home. Kiddies, did I fail to mention that Jo-Jo was Jared's younger sister?
Jared was absent from school the next day but Jo-Jo told a remarkable tale. She said that when Jared arrived home he duct taped and bandaged his wounded scrotum but he didn't do a good enough job. When their mother arrived home, she saw a noticeable amount of blood on Jared's shorts. He began crying and Jo-Jo said what had happened and showed her mother the testicle that she had placed in a glass inside the refrigerator. They rushed to the hospital but it was too late.
And that is why I never play on tire swings and how Ol' One Nut got his nickname. Looking back at it, One Nut was a mean nickname for a kid to have in high school but students were kind since One Nuts' surname is Smallwood.
I have no clue what I’m saying 45% of the time so please tread lightly.
One Direction is so lame that they make New Kids on the Block sound like gangsta rappers
I feel sorry for all the people who share the same name with members of One Direction. I was talking to someone at a school and said, “Boy, oh boy, Harry sure messed up this time.” A girl walked up screaming, “OMG OMG OMG ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HARRY STYLES?” I said, “Back off you little turd, I’m talking about Senator Harry Reid.” Maybe my One Direction tramp stamp is sending mixed signals.
In all fairness to North Korea, if my neighbor was responsible for making Gangam Style and someone living in my neighbor’s house was responsible for spreading Gangam Style, I’d want to bomb the shit out of them too.
North Korea is the world’s version of that one kid in high school that always thought he was tough and said he’d beat up the entire football team after school but doesn’t show up to fight them because he claims a teacher forced him to not fight. I hear they are planning on launching their missiles on April 10th but they need to find a large source of Coca Cola and a really huge Mento. Kim Jong Un has North Korea winning his NCAA bracket because he misread North Carolina. Sometimes I think South Korea is the normal part of a pair of Siamese twins and the deformed one learned to make a slingshot and we’ll be screwed when they realize a slingshot can’t get a nuke over here. Maybe if we’re nice North Korea will bomb the Westboro Baptist Church. We probably shouldn’t make fun of North Korea because it’s like making fun of the slow kid in class who poops his pants and eats crayons on a daily basis. It’s weird because I think some wizard took Napoleon Complex and turned it into a country and that country is North Korea. Now that they’re almost done playing with their nuclear weapons maybe they can establish some basic human rights and become a big boy country. Hahaha…we’re on the verge of nuclear war and all I can do is make fun of Kim Jong Un.
I swear to God if the meaning of life is “we accept the love we think we deserve” I’m going to go postal. I’m still thankful that none of John Green’s books are movies.
Black licorice is the Gangam Style of the jelly bean world. Some people are absolutely insane for it and then other people want to choke the everliving shit out of it.
I’m thinking of going to see Jurassic Park3D. I think the dinosaurs may escape this time but don’t tell me and ruin it for me. I hear the most unrealistic scene in the movie is when they are at the buffet and when the kids sit down to eat we see one of the kids with broccoli on her plate. I also like to tell the kids in schools that when I was a kid Jurassic Park was actually a documentary that went horribly wrong and that it’s all real.
I haven’t heard anything from Honey Boo Boo in a while. Either she’s dead or America has found a new family that they can watch to feel superior.
I hate to rain on your parade but no one likes parades.
What is Sarah McLachlan died years ago and the ASPCA commercials that feature her and her song are just three dogs in a trenchcoat. There’s no way we’ll ever know the truth.
I find it odd that there are more snacks for my cats in my house than there are snacks for me.
When I hate someone it’s because either they’re an asshole or I’m an asshole.
Do you ever think Jared from Subway goes to the McDonald’s drivethru and asks them to describe a Big Mac while he fondles himself?
Why is it that high school bands always seem to parallel religious cults?
It’s not until they sensor out the words in songs on the radio that I remember that people are actually offended by cursing. I think I’ve lost a few friends here on Xanga because I said “fuck” in a post. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
A teacher walks into a bar and a guy asks, “Can I buy you a drink?” The teacher answers, “I don’t know, can you?”
A recent study revealed that everyone is a little bisexual but to different degrees and that I should find a better hobby than reading scientific studies.
Nicki Minaj is a perfect example of what happens when multiple personality disorder is left untreated for too long.
I was so disappointed for the first year of my life because I couldn’t walk.
I’m like MacGyver when it comes to finding nifty ways to fuck up my life.
Sex is like a drug for me in that I have to pay for it.
Do Transformers get auto insurance or life insurance?
They say you can’t force people to love you but you can if you have a voodoo doll without pants.
Fun facts about Wisconsin: Wisconsin is second for the state with the most UFO sightings. Wisconsin is the number one state when it comes to the production of meth. I don’t think this is a coincidence.
Have you ever been talking to a girl and you let out that she looks like an actress you admire and then you realize you shouldn’t have said it because the actress is a porn actress? Every time I talk to a girl.
I went into a Barnes and Noble looking for a self-help book for men with small penises. I asked the girl at the counter if they had the book despite not knowing the title. She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I answered, “Yeah, that’s the one.”
I have this disease where I want to marry every girl that is nice to me.
I often get the dollar sign($) confused for the “no snakes allowed” sign($).
When people offer me a penny for my thoughts, I counter-offer with $1million and then from there we negotiate.
Money making scheme #873: Make random Xs on the ground and hope that a lazy pirate will bury his treasure under one of them.
I was trying to come up with the next joke and one of my cats jumped on the keyboard and it said “kiiiiiilllllllllllll”. I will never sleep again.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
I quit my job at the bank because every time I counted money my fingers would smell like cocaine and strippers.
They say you should never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes. If you do that make sure you wear an extra pair of socks because athlete’s foot is nasty.
I think I am the only guy not interested in a threesome. I guess I don’t want to letdown two women at the same time. Then,what do you do during a threesome? I’d probably just stand there and do jazz hands.
I asked the self-loathing windmill what he thought of windmills. He said, “I’m not a big fan.”
My last girlfriend and I had a system. If I was in the mood and was kissing on her,she would tug my penis once to mean she wanted to have sex. If she didn’t want to have sex I’d have her tug my penis 50 times.
I got a Ouija board to find out if I’d ever find truelove. It replied “H A H A H A H A H A HA.” Obviously, it’s broken. Oh well, at least when I’m alone, I’m only with one person who doesn’t like me.
I went on a first date tonight or as I like to call it“flushing $40 down the drain”.
I’ve always wanted to date an orphan because I’d never have to meet her parents and just think about all that singing and dancing.
I hear the Avian Flu is making a comeback. Looks like KFC will be having a bucket sale soon.
I found some blank cassettes if anyone is interested in coming over for cunnilingus and recording music off the radio.
I went to WebMD and found out I am white.
There’s a Pulitzer Prize awarded for criticism? And it’s not automatically given to a woman? I guess the glass ceiling does exist. And in other news I’ll never get laid.
If I had a ton of money I’d probably need to reinforce the structure of my house because 2000lbs is a lot of weight.
I’d like to give a girl a pregnancy scare but actually wanting to raise her child.
Acid paper always beats rocks and scissors.
Candy canes are good but gummi wheelchairs are better. I’m still not convinced that sour walkers are worthwhile.
IF you ever wanted to watch midget porn but were too embarrassed, the first 5 minutes is usually the actors trying to hoist themselves into bed.
Once we figure out gay marriage the next step is to get women into the Hair Club for Men.
I’m pretty sure communism started with seating charts in high school.
One day I hope to be the guy in the neon pink Speedo that women point at and say, “Wow, check out that guy in the neon pink Speedo.”
I think basically all my comedy career would boil down to would be me standing in front of a group of girls wondering which one I’d pay for sex.
I saw someone spell the word typo “type-oh”. Oh the irony!
Believe it or not but I think some people on the internet lie.
You can tell how old a man is by how close his socks are to his knees.
There’s billions of stars and galaxies out there and we aren’t exploring them because people are more worried about the Kardashians and Jodi Arias.
I think this was the first entry that I didn’t mention blowjobs.
I don’t make fun of homeless people that often because we’re all one bad Xanga post away from being homeless.
My Xanga is so dead that I’m afraid I’m missing something important on TV.
My Xanga should be rated “R” for “Radical”. Now watch me do some insane skateboard tricks.
New Xanga motto: Want to turn your life into an eternity of agony and suffering? Welcome to Xanga!
On Xanga, people respect you when you share your deepest,darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are filled with typos; then you must burn in hell.
New Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where you come to escape the assholes in your life only to be harassed by assholes you don’t know.
Whenever I post on Xanga, I imagine Slim Pickens riding it through the internet, waving his cowboy hat around, and yelling until it hits your inbox.
With all the fat hate on Xanga, I get the feeling that if Marilyn Monroe had an account here everyone would make fun of her for being fat and unattractive.
If you really love someone, never introduce them to Xanga. If you do, they will always give you the “What the fuck is wrong with you”-look every time you see them.
I think on Xanga, I’m the little annoying kid who thinks they’re friends with all the popular people but they don’t actually notice me.
Have you ever wondered how fucked up you were in a past life that you must endure all this Xanga drama?
Xanga is sort of like Las Vegas. You can be whoever you want to be and people will think they are more important than they actually are.
Whenever I log in to Xanga I feel like there’s drama waiting to happen. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should leave this place and then Xanga would be drama free. I think the reason there is so much drama is that we can’t sit on each other’s faces.
I sometimes feel that Xanga is a clique and I’m that weird kid who is not in any clique and thinks that I’m friends with all the cliques but they take pity on me because I’m nice but really strange to be around. I do like to think I’m on good terms with most of you here. Why am I getting all gushy like this? I love you people. You actually have done a lot more for me than you’ll ever realize. OK enough of that mushy stuff…boobs. Yeah, same old godfatherofgreenbay.
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