I'm callin' out to ya
There never was a city kid truer and bluer

There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I've got more hits than sadaharu oh

Ton thumb tom cushman or tom foolery
Date women on t.v. with the help of chuck woolery

Words are flowing out just like the grand canyon
And I'm always out looking for a female companion

I threw the lasso around the tallest one and dragged her to the crib
I took off her moccasins and put on my bib

I'm wheelin' and dealin' I make a little bit of stealing
I'll bring you back to the place and your dress I'm peeling

Your body's on time and your mind is appealing
Staring at the cracks up there upon the ceiling

Some such nonsense is the bass that I'm throwing
Talking to a girl telling her I'm all knowing

She's talking to the kid to the who
I'm telling here every lie that you know that I never did

Me in the corner with a good looking daughter
I dropped my drawers and it was welcome back kotter

We were cutting up the rug she started cutting up the carpet
In my apartment I begged her please stop it

The gift of gab is the gift that I have
And that girl ain't nothing but the blue plate crab

Special at woodman's in essex mass
Educated no stupid yes

And when I say stupid I mean stupid fresh
I'm not james at 15 or chachi in charge

I'm adam and I'm adamant about living large
With the white sassoons and the looks that kill

Makin' love in the back of my coupe de ville
I met a little cutie she was all hopped up on zootie

I liked the little cutie but I kicked her in the bootie
Cause I don't kinda go for that messin' around

You be listening to my records' a number one sound
Step to the rhythm step step to the ride

I've got an open mind so why don't you all get inside
Tune in tune on to my tune that's live

Ladies flock like fish to my line
She's got a gold tooth you know she's hardcore

She'll show you a good time then she'll show you the door
Break up with your girl it ended in tears

Vincent van gogh and mail that ear
I call her in the middle of the night when I'm drinking

The phone booth on the corner is damp and it's stinking
She said come on over it was me that she missed

I threw that trash can through her window cause you know I got dissed
Your old lady left you and you went girls insane

You blew yourself up in the back of the 6 train
Take my advice at any price a gorilla like your mother is mighty weak

Sucking down pints till I didn't know
Woke up in the morning at the won ton ho

Cause I announce I like girls that bounce
With the weight that pays about a pound per ounce

Girls with curls and big long locks
And beatnik chicks just wearing their smocks

Walking high and mighty like she's #1 and
*she thinks she's the passionate one*

Hey ladies, I hoped you enjoyed #caturday and that you're having a great weekend
And, yes, I posted Beastie Boys lyrics.  What are you going to do about it?  Take away my license to ill?

(I buy notebooks and put them all around my house so that when I have an idea I can immediately write it down otherwise I lose it quite easily.  I replaced one of my notebooks yesterday and overnight I wrote down an idea for a post.  I thought I'd share what I wrote.)

Hello, Xanga, are you working, you worthless piece of shit?  You probably aren't but I'm going to write this anyway.  When artists write songs they might have meaning and sometimes the songs have hidden meanings.  I have taken the time to share some songs for you and have deciphered the real meaning behind the songs.

1.  "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen

This song is about a rockstar who loves women with shapely buttocks.

2.  "Never My Love" by The Association

This song is about a conundrum the writer faced when he must decide between breadsticks and garlic bread.  He loves garlic bread and realizes he could never give up garlic bread.

3.  "The Twist" by Chubby Checker

This song is about a boy who sneaks his girlfriend over to his house when his mother left the house and his father is asleep and proceeds to teach his girlfriend how to give him a handjob and then he tries to convince her to come over more often to do "the twist".

4.  "Touch Me I'm Going to Scream pt. 2" by My Morning Jacket

Jim James followed me around for two months and took notes about my life.  This is what he came up with about my life.  If a girl touched me at present I would let out an eardrum splitting orgasmic scream.

5.  "She's Electric" by Oasis

This song is about Storm from X-Men

6.  "Daughter" by Pearl Jam

This song is about Chelsea Clinton and her growing up in the White House.

7.  "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

This song is about Catherine the Great and how she didn't fit in because society said she couldn't love her horse.  She is driven mad and decides to teach everyone that she can have her true love.  Well she showed them in the end...specifically her end that was torn apart by her horse lover.

8.  "The Sweater Song" by Weezer

This song is about America's failing foreign policy in the Middle and Far East which explains why this song is also titled "Undone"

9.  "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana

Vaginas or being in a relationship of unrequited love, you know when you're in love with this girl and she doesn't like you back and she tears your heart out of your chest and stomps all over it and then drives her shitty ass Ford all over it but then you get consolation because the guy she left you for dumps her horrible ass because he sees her for the awful human she is and then she calls you up asking if you want to go out again and you want to say no but all you can say is fuck you bitch

10.  "Float On" by Modest Mouse

This is what happens after a person smokes a bunch of scorpion stingers.

11.  "The Thanks I Get" by Wilco

Jeff Tweedy followed me around for the two months after Jim James followed me around and he recorded things I said because of the condition my house was left in thanks to James and My Morning Jacket.  And then I thought that it would be a good idea if Wilco sold their music to be used in Volkswagen commercials.

12.  "Jesus Etc." by Wilco

9/11...seriously, listen to that song and tell me it's not about 9/11 but that song was written and recorded in late 2000/early 2001.  Jeff Tweedy is a seer.

Weird but I don't think this was that bad for being written when I was asleep.

If you ever feel like you’re a bad driver just remember that in 1895 there were only 2 cars in the state of Ohio and that those two drivers crashed into each other.

I don’t get how people say accents are hot.  Everyone has an accent whether you realize it or not.

My parents never gave me “the talk”.  I still have no clue where my penis goes.  I’m suspecting it’s supposed to go to Fargo.

I was sitting at breakfast the other day with a glass of o.j. and came to the realization that the best kind of o.j. is the kind that doesn’t try to kill me and get away with it.

I prefer natural girls. Girls who don’t wear a lot of make-up. Girls whose diet consists of mostly soil and mulch.  Maybe they have a deer for a steed.  Girl who still use primitive flint based weapons.  Girls who have never used alighter or match to start a fire.

The older I get the more I understand why parents put their kids on leashes.

Dr. Phil, Dr. Dre, Dr. Oz, Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Who all got their PhDs from the same school and were all roommates.

I’ve often wondered if people check my blog to see if I’m still alive.

Sometimes I think that if I sigh loudly enough that all my problems will go away.

If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Light you’ll grow a frat boy or sorority girl.

I like my women like I like my chocolate, filled with peanut butter.

I think that instead of petitioning the government to do something or stop doing something we should write a diss track because diss tracks are the only thing that matters any more and they are far more effective in the hip-hop community.

Ladies, us guys only want one thing from you…your credit card number.

I wish I had Morgan Freeman’s voice.  If I did I would follow random people around narrating everything they did and when they looked like they were annoyed I’d just move on to another person.

You can’t make fun of me for the things I like because I like nothing.

Sarcasm is my romance language.  Yeah, sarcasm charms the panties off the ladies.

I’m so fat and ugly that I bet gay guys have more sex with women than I do.

I go to Burger King so I can substitute onion rings for French fries.  I go to the bar to substitute alcohol for the ability to emotionally connect to people.

When someone asks where you’re from never answer, “my mom’s uterus”.  They tend to frown on things like that.

My grandfather once told me that I should never marry a woman with large hands because it would make my dick look small when she held it.  I sure had a lot to learn when I was7.

Have you ever noticed that smelly people look like they even smell in photos?

You can tell Olive Oyl and Popeye never had sex based on how large Popeye’s forearms were.

Sometimes when I see all the empty scotch bottles, bags of chips, Twix wrappers, Skittles wrappers, and pill bottles, I wonder how I’m even alive.

I was at the grocery store and a lady informed me that my fly was down.  I replied, “Why do you think it’s down?  Why should it be so sad?  Would you like to cheer it up?”  I got slapped.

If I had to pick one day to live, I’d pick today because it feels like an eternity.

In today’s day and age the best revenge you can get on an ex is by turning them into an internet meme.

I have two stand-up gigs that I’m not so certain I’ll perform well at.  The first is at a cricket reunion and the other is at a tumbleweed convention.  How will I know they like me?

I expect more out of people than I probably should.  Is it so demanding to ask people to bring me a case of Crystal Pepsi when they come to visit me?

I’ve started making my own art.  I combine my horrible farting with glue and glitter.  I think it’s performance art but every art critic says it’s “artsy-fartsy”.

I have a feeling that if gay marriage were legalized throughout America that the number of fraud marriages would skyrocket and that single guys would marry just like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” just for health benefits and also to get out of marrying chicks.  That makes no sense.  I need more sleep.

You know it’s funny how many people say “forever alone” and yet have love while I sit here making my stomach fat talk.

When I was with my last girlfriend she wanted me to get some baby carrots for our supper but I didn’t hear her say carrots so I came back with a baby.  She was furious because she was really looking forward to carrots.  I was upset because I was out a couple hundred bucks.

Did you know saying “April Fools” when the police come to arrest you for phoning in bomb threats will get you out of trouble?

I think the smile is a dying art.  I bet in 50 years people will make duckfaces at each other when they’re happy.

It’s awesome how much people compliment my butt.  It seems like every time I go around a corner I hear people say, “What an asshole!”

I got so drunk the other night that I got pulled over for driving my race car bed.

The closest I’ve come to making any girl’s panties wet in along time is the time I cried at Victoria’s Secret.

The doctor told my girlfriend that the baby will be coming early.  Like father, like son.  I plan on naming him Methamphetamine because he’ll do nothing more than ruin my life. Oh a girlfriend…April Fools!

Have you ever noticed that the worst radio stations have the best reception?

I watched part of the finale to History Channel’s miniseries The Bible last night.  I can’t wait for next season’s premier.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

“You’re right I ordered the Code Red!”  -Jack Nicholson after the waiter messed up his Mountain Dew order.

My TV dinner was so sad that it came with a Bon Iver CD taped to the inside.

It’s taking longer and longer for me to realize I’m in a women’s restroom.

I have nice clothes but I don’t wear them because I have no one to impress.

I sometimes wonder if Bruce Springsteen really was born in the USA.  I think we need to demand the right to see his birth certificate.

Any other struggling writers out there just remember that humans wrote the movie Manimal.

I got stuck behind an extreme couponer at the grocery store the other day.  What a fascinating hobby that I unwillingly observed for a half hour!

Can I touch your butt? Before you say “yes” I’m going to have to have you fill out this permission slip.

You know those T-Mobile commercials with the girl wearing leather?  I’d punch out my parents for just one whiff of those leathers.

Does the nutritional information on the Cap’n Crunch box include the amount of skin that is shredded from the inside of your mouth when you eat their product?  Seriously, it’s like eating shards of glass…delicious shards of glass WITH CRUNCHBERRIES!

I truly feel blessed in America where my government protects me from the evils of gay marriage so I can go and buy assault rifles because one day I may be the last thing standing between the enemy and the total collapse of America.  Sigh…it’s like my gay friend always says,“Why can’t you just call me your friend?”

I’ve toyed with the idea of signing up for the Netflix home service as well.  I’d keep the DVDs for myself and send back DVDs of me doing kick-ass karate moves.

I’m pretty sure Hitler started WWII because so many time travelers were going back in time in an attempt to kill him.

I woke up this morning and tried to style my hair and picture myself with a different haircut but said, “Fuck it!  This is the haircut I’m going to have until the day I die.”

Will losing my mind help me with losing weight?

Who wants to see my penis?

My April Fools prank this year was being nice.

I turned down free ice cream and free sex.  I must be really sick

I ate a chocolate bunny and 2 hours later I pooped it out.  It was the same exact shape but it tasted much different.

On bad days, which is most every day, any time someone talks to me it sounds like adults on Charlie Brown.

Does anyone know how to get Paas color dye out of your pubes?  I’m asking for my friend Ttam.

This chick at the bar thinks my name is Marshall Tucker and she wants to take me home so she can get my fire on her mountain.  I am so scared.

I’m like a bear but not in that I sleep for long amounts of time but because that one time I mauled a guy in the Alaskan wilderness.

I think that if the Supreme Court rules against Prop 8 and DOMA that means NBC has to bring back My 2 Dads.

I have a better shot of getting Vin Diesel to come out of the closet at my Fourth of July barbecue this year than the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

The Dallas Cowboy signed Tony Romo to a six year contract extension and have committed to sucking for at least another six seasons.

I’m writing a letter to my senators, is it more proper to say “massive erection,” “throbbing rager,” or “overpowering boner”? I want to sound professional.

And the police said, “The EX ratings are coming from inside your house.”

Attention people who go around Xanga correcting grammatical mistakes: you’re grammatical ability pays the bills just like all my swag does.

I’ve found that people on Xanga who claim to be tolerant of everyone and everything are the first people to give you shit and cause drama if you have a differing opinion.

I have now figured out why there is Xanga drama.  Reading comprehension is horrendous and some products of the public school system cannot read their way out of a paper bag.  Seriously, it’s bad.  I’ve heard adults sounding out words like they’re in first grade and I’ve experienced people on Xanga not being able to understand my comments even though I clearly state my position in the comment.  It’s really disturbing.  If adults are this bad, what is the next generation going to be like?  Whole language can tongue my balls.

“Thank you for stating your opinion on Xanga.” –no one

I think people enjoy watching drama play out on Xanga because they don’t have much of a life outside the internet.  Well it’s time to log into my other account and write about how Obama is the worst president ever and how Nixon was truly underrated.

I bet if Xanga tried hard enough we could make Henry Rowengartner drama.  A baseball and Xanga joke in one.  Choke on that, Derek Jeter!

Xanga is a slideshow of mental breakdowns.

Once again I haven't been around here much.  I guess life sucks and gets in the way but mostly it's because Xanga sucks.  If it's not rating system it's photos not working.  I wonder if the hamster got off the wheel.  Anyway, I didn't reply to comments on your last assignment because I think that's when I walked away because Xanga Team's silence is so frustrating.  It's like they are going out of their way to push people away. And if anyone cares and is still around...

here's your next assignment:

A.
  
   Why or why not?

B.
  
  Which would you pick?  Why?

C. 
 
  Why or why not?

Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question.  Answer everything for extra credit.

Get to work!

It was pretty good.

And now it's #caturday

That cat's name is "Money" because there's always money in the banana stand.

I hope everyone has a blessed and relaxing Easter.

I haven't been the most faithful Xangan in the past couple of months.  Life has gotten in the way and Xanga has been all wonky.  I guess I should just let it drop because Xanga will never be like it once was...sigh...now where was I?  Oh yeah, I have quite a few female readers and I've had a few anonymous comments over time regarding my penis size.  I figured I should just show you.

That's my bare cock.  I shaved it and it's all nice and smooth...like I'd just show you all my penis.

In Italian, you don’t really say “I’ll break your face with my cock.”  You say “ti spacco la faccia col mio cazzo,” which is closer to “to you I break the face with the my cock.”  I love that. ”to you I break the face with the my cock.”  My cock breaks a face, the cock of mine breaks the face.  And I do it to you, for you.  I broke a face with my cock to you.  (I found that on Tumblr)

I wear a size 17.  I'm not saying I have a big penis.  I'm saying I'm a clown.

As always

Is that by myself or helped by another person?

Please...let me know

Crap...I forgot Mother's Day

Walmart has all your feminine hygiene needs.

Oh it's on now!

This may be the greatest gif ever created.

I'm all for bacon equality

Those market researchers are so smart

This is pretty much what I think of whenever I hear North Korea threatening America.

Those spices are making my mouth water.

Welp...off to enjoy my Wisconsin paradise.

Oh and rate this post A.  My last post drew EX ratings.  It's so nice that Xanga Team has addressed this issue.  Thanks, Xanga Team.

I need a prescription strength hug right now.  Prescription strength hugs involve the mouth.

Have you ever went to Youtube looking for a song and then found yourself hours later watching Japanese porn stars hula-hooping?  I hope it’s not just me.

There is nothing lower in life than being crippled with depression and then you sit on your balls. But at least that tells me I still have feelings.

I’m pretty old fashioned but I think a girl’s shorts should be longer than her vagina.  I also think a guy’s pants should not be lower than his ass crack.

I’m sort of surprised the porn industry has thrived because who the hell still buys porn?

Who tells the people who make Kidz Bopz that it’s a good idea to make cover songs about sex?

On March 14^th, I hope I wasn’t the only one who misread the holiday name and celebrated Bi Day. And for the other people that misread it I hope I’m not the only one who walked around gingerly on the 15^th with a sense of satisfaction but also utter perplexment.

If you’re such a fan of the new Pope then name 5 of his songs.  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I was a huge fan of Pope Francis before anyone knew who he was.

I think getting rid of all my emotions would be a good thing and I wouldn’t miss falling in love or being happy ever again.  It’s not like I really remember what they are and it seemed like whenever I experienced those they were always overshadowed by something negative. HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I’m so funny!  LAUGH AT MY MISFORTUNE!

At this point in life, I have nothing or no one to get out of bed for in the morning except oatmeal. I find that there is a social stigmata attached to those who say they eat oatmeal at any time in the day other than at breakfast.

I was in a middle school and apparently the kids have had a running joke that Florida looks like a penis.  And this is why we shouldn’t teach sex ed. in public schools. Parents can do something.

I have a new idea for the fourth season of American Horror Story.  I call it American Horror Story:Photos of You from Middle School.

Skrillex told me to drop the base but it really fucked up my ph balance

When I was in 3^rd grade my teacher liked to make her own Bible History worksheets.  I pointed out two spelling errors she made simply because any word we misspelled we had to add to our weekly list of spelling words on top of what our books already wanted us to learn.  She gave me a stern look and said, “You’re not perfect either, Matthew.”  Is it weird that I’m still not over that?  She also made the boys do push-ups or run laps on the playground if we forgot to put our name on our papers.  The girls she just coddled them.  Talk about privilege.

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need a life story to get a tattoo.  And that really explains a lot of the tattoos I post.

If you don’t think the oppression of the Irish still exists,you better think again, boyo.  St.Patrick’s Day is an elaborate ploy by the U.S. government to get the population inebriated so that Irish heritage is overlooked in favor of uproarious drunkenness.  I’ve woken up,how about you, America?

I’m fine with gay people unless they make out in front of me.  I’m fine with straight people unless they make out in front of me.  Stop making out in front of me.  It makes me feel lonely and self-conscious.

You’re telling me The Jerk Store called and they ran out of me?  That can’t be true because The Jerk Store burned to the ground 15 years ago on this very night.

We all masturbate in the same language…loneliness.

I have a feeling that little girls are going to eventually get fed up with grown men playing with My Little Ponies and calling themselves Bronies.  The girls will then start watching UFC-style shows and post it all over the internet.  Then the UFC girls and Bronies will have one epic showdown on the Internet making it collapse forever leading us to the rise of the antichrist.

Maybe I’m just old but I’ve developed a pet peeve of people letting plastic bags fly around.  It’s like they should put their food condoms in a proper receptacle when they are done with them.

Lana Del Rey did a song about her vagina tasting like Pepsi.  What would happen if it actually did because it contained Pepsi?  What would happen if you put Mentos near her? And if there’s Pepsi, how long will it be before Coca Cola gets a popstar to put Coke in her vagina?

I watched the movie Les Miserables this past weekend.  The problem with this movie is if you say the title wrong then you sound like a douche and if you say the title correctly you still sound like a douche.

There’s a meth lab and marijuana growing lab down the street from me.  I wonder how I contact human resources to see if they have an opening for a part-time job.

I had a friend fill out an application for a new job for me.  I guess my parents and all my teachers were right.  I never apply myself.

I think the real reason why the U.S. is in debt is because the House, Senate, and Obama are buying stuff for Facebook games.

I bet you didn’t remember the Alamo today.

Teenage girls, did you know there are other books in the world besides “Catcher in the Rye”, “Fault in Our Stars”, “Perks of being a Wallflower”, and “Looking for Alaska”?

My favorite Bible verse is the one that says you are condemned for laughing at something or the one about tripping the blind and cursing the deaf.

My feelings towards communism can best be described as negative until I see something I can’t afford but really want.

“What’s your dick like, homie?” –Sylvia Plath

You know it’s sort of interesting that a lot of people find Jesus in prison but I guess Jeezy balls pretty hard.

It’s Topless Tuesday. Send me your photos of convertibles.

I hate arrogant people because I am so much better than them.

Now that it’s spring and will soon be summer it marks my least favorite season of the year…too sweaty to get a b.j. unless I shower season.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

One of the worst things that happens to me when I drink mixed drinks is that my drinks get watered down because of melting ice so what I do is take some nuts and bolts and stick them in the freezer and put those in my drinks instead of icecubes.

My neighbors got a new mailbox and I’m suspicious of their intentions.  This whole episode has really raised a red flag.

I think the reason I shop online is because it gives me about 5 to 7 more business days to stay alive.

My crazy aunt just butt dialed me.  The weird thing is she only has rotary phones because she believes the button dials are a conspiracy to steal DNA and fingerprints.  She’s not well.

I’m upset that my website “Hitlers who look like cats” never took off.

I actually like golf. It’s one of the best sports to play and drink beer while playing just like football, baseball, softball, badminton, and hopscotch.

Guys, if you ever go to a classy place that has a bathroom attendant and you’re alone, tip the attendant $20 to tell everyone that you’re hung like a horse.  Word travels fast and soon you’ll be leaving with multiple women to disappoint in your hotel room.

I will never go to a place that oil changes and lap dances ever again.  They only specialize in one and can’t do the other properly.

You know it’s crazy that parrots can talk and that everything you do in life just leads to an eventual death.

Here’s a shopping tip for single guys, buy healthy food to impress ladies and then have a couple of junk food items so you can tell women that it’s imperative you take care of yourself since you’re a single father.

Suicidal cannibals are full of themselves.

Why do guys worry so much if a girl spits or swallows?  That’s sort of like going to a restaurant and worrying about whether the plates are washed by hand or machine.

I was going to set up an online dating profile for this homeless guy I know.  I don’t want to lie so should I say he’s outdoorsy or super ultra mega outdoorsy?

I need a giant talking rat in my life to teach me how to meditate and do karate.

I’m glad I don’t coach basketball because if I did I’d tell my team to stop shooting baskets once they reached 69 points.  Also my online dating profile says I love traveling but I should be honest and say that I’m just really bad at dribbling.

Have you ever used the handicapped stall in the bathroom and a handicapped person comes in?  What do you do?  I usually crawl on the floor and pretend I lost my wheelchair.

I miss the old days before cell phones, when everyone would just hang out and stare at their landlines.

When I die I want an open casket funeral so that way I can have a tip jar in the casket with me and if you don’t tip me then I’ll come to your house and haunt you.

I just went to McDonald’s for the first time in years and ordered some fries.  There was a McNugget in my fries.  That new pope must be doing something right.  ALL HAIL POPE FRANCIS!

If you asked someone how they got so funny and they answered honestly, you'd never ask that question again.

I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings this weekend because I was wearing my baseball cap frontwards.

What could be more American than skipping work to day drink while gambling on kids playing a game when they’re supposed to be in class?

I just had an a-ha moment while listening to the song “Take on Me”.

Have you ever had a day so bad that you wished all your fingers were middle fingers?

Some one told me that I post too much here on Xanga.  That’s sort of like telling The Beatles they made too much music.  The only differenceis they made money and had talent and I fail at life.

I think the funniest thing to ever happen on Xanga was have people friend me and then unfriend me in the same day.  I feel like I didn’t have a chance to truly offend them.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, hate someone in a matter of minutes without the hassle of meeting them face to face.

I should really get off Xanga and explore the world but I’m not really a fan of persons, places, or things.

When people go around Xanga and say on posts that they’re offended by something in the post, what they are really saying is “I can’t control my own emotions so you do it for me by censoring what you post.”

I think some people only have Xanga drama to validate their existence.

Xanga proves that there is a fine line between social media and mental illness.

If all you do on Xanga is complain about other people on Xanga then I can’t even imagine what a gem you are in real life.  And I am a hypocrite.

I follow you on Xanga. Will you follow me into war?

You know, it's awesome coming back to Xanga after being gone for some time and seeing that some features don't work.  Way to go!

Well I started drinking at...around 3.  Thought I was going to say earlier, didn't you?  I was supposed to go pick up my dad's car at the dialysis center but I can't drive myself there now can I?  My aunt was supposed to take me but she got into one of her hair-brained schemes and she calls me at 3:30 and so I tell her that I had been up since 7 because that's when I thought we were going and that we can't rightly go now because by the time we get there it would be closed.  We also had to go in and pick up some of my dad's effects.  I started watching an Amish show on National Geographic and thought I'd take a drink every time I heard the word "Amish" but that didn't work out for me.  About 4:30 a friend calls me up and wonders if I want to go to a new bar in town so I went.  It was the bar that was once my family's shoe store.  I sat directly underneath the old shoe store sign that they have mounted on the wall.  The owner said that was fitting and I said, "about 20 some years ago I was sitting right in this spot selling shoes."  I don't think he cared.  The cool thing about this bar is that they got the recipe for a beer that was brewed in town up until the late 50s.  It's so good.  My grandfather always had positive things to say about it.  He even told me stories of how there were German POWs in town and they put them to work at the brewery.  Then after some green pizza and green bread sticks I came home and drank some Hopalicious and watched Dr. Who.  My cats were rather clingy until I realized they were hungry and while I was gone they ate all their food.  Well sober isn't fun so I'll wrap this up...dad's still in the hospital, no clue when he's coming home because a blood test revealed he has an infection somewhere.  Tomorrow is another day but today is #caturday

That is a poorly crafted Dalek

And now for some Irish porn.................

Oh baby...look at them...all naked...so juicy...I just have to eat them all...I want to taste you on my lips for days...so hot!

Sorry I haven't made my replies.  I'll try tomorrow.  In the mean time, do what you do and make me feel validated.

It's been a trying 48 hours.  I'm tired and then all this crap on Xanga...at least someone Xanga Team is answering the concerns but a few weeks short.  Maybe they were upset that their sites got rated EX.  I was tempted to spend my weekend creating multiple accounts to rate my site.  Anyway the EX thing wasn't the worst and I complain when there are so many other things to look at.  For instance I go to put on my Dark Side of the Moon shirt to wear to my doctor's appointment yesterday and I find holes in it.  Then I realized it's from my cat Kiki.  She jumps as high as she can to get on top of my door in my bedroom.  She then uses a shirt to pull herself up the rest of the way.  Why are my shirts on the door?  I have a rack extending so I can air dry my clothes.  I don't like using my dryer to dry my clothes.  I fear shrinkage.  Next I decided to rearrange furniture in my house and it was probably a result of being stressed out over the next bit of news I received today.  Also my dad is in the hospital because he was having breathing problems.  He was at kidney dialysis today and as they were finishing his session he started having troubles breathing.  This isn't unusual because he has issues at the end because they sometimes take off too much fluid and it leaves him cramping and sometimes his chest muscles cramp.  Well this time he started turning blue because he wasn't getting enough oxygen.  The dialysis center isn't connected to the hospital.  It's about a block away so they had to call the paramedics to come get him to take him to the ER.  Then he gets there and he's given breathing treatments and he's improving but not enough so they shipped him off to Madison to a bigger hospital that has a dialysis center inside.  Well this is all interesting because they didn't contact me or my mom.  I got a call from a strange number on my cell but it didn't ring the standard ring and they hung up before I could answer.  My mom said there were no messages on her phone at work or home.  Anyway, she went down to Madison and I guess he has pneumonia and they are going to keep him for a few days.  He may have some other things as well but the doctors have to do some more tests.  I asked him over the phone tonight if he's quit smoking and he started cursing up a storm. 

I think this is the real reason Benny quit.

Apparently Pope Francis was a hidden character.

If his first mass is quirky for quirkness's sake then it's Woody.  I posted this on Facebook and a friend wrote "Does this mean the pope will take an underage Asian girl as a wife?"

You know if there was a RuPope her costumes would be sassy and fabulous.

Habemus Heisenberg!

I went out for a drive a few weekends ago and got up close and personal with some Amish who were hogging the road.

Pretty soon there'll be corn high as an elephant's eye in that field of snow.

Military installations pop out of the forests.  Bennelliman may know where that is.




I captured some photos of the sunset because there were sundogs on both sides.  The one side wasn't as visible as the other.  If a sundog is visible on the north side only that means there's going to be a warm up.  If the sundog is visible only on the south side then that means there'll be a cool down.  It's very accurate.

Yesterday I had my doctor's appointment and I crossed the river to take a drive down the river road in Minnesota and Iowa.  I can't remember if this photo is in Minnesota or Iowa but that's the bluffs of Wisconsin and in between that's the Mississippi.

Here's another shot of Wisconsin's bluffs and the frozen river.

I thought this bluff on the Minnesota side had an interesting shape.  I'm a horrible photographer.

This is one of the bluffs on the Minnesota side that overlooks a small town.

At this point I'm crossing a bridge to get back into Wisconsin.  On this bridge the Mississippi is frozen over.

Now I'm crossing over another bridge.  There's a pretty big island that is half WI and half MN in the river so that explains the two bridges.  Anyway here the river isn't all frozen.

And back home.

Oh Dwayne...help me.

Have a great night and thanks for all the help today.  It's appreciated.  I'll have to write to you all tomorrow.  I think I'm going to watch Dr. Who and then go to bed.

Welcome to my blog which is just a string of stupid things I’ll say until I have sex or die.

Will you marry me? Breathe if you want to get married or lick your elbow if you don’t want to get married.  Studies have shown that only 7% of people say they’ve found their soulmate so that means you should get used to settling and who better to settle for than me.

Now that the desperation is out of the way, I woke up this morning looking forward to offending complete strangers on the internet.  Hope this post works.

Because of rising gold prices, Pony Boy can only stay copper.

Easter time is a perfect time to come to my house to see a display of racial harmony.  My candy jar is filled with black and white jelly beans. They happen to be my least favorite of all jelly beans but it’s nice to see them sitting together in my jar.

Do you ever refuse to go to bed because that means tomorrow won’t happen?

If any kid could get out of ever eating his or her vegetables it’s that kid who was cured of HIV. “Eat your vegetables!”  “No, I beat HIV without the help of broccoli.”

I’m going to make some rich girl a wonderful trophy husband some day but it’s a shame that I’m the consolation prize.

Have you ever looked at someone and became saddened because you knew you’d never get to have sex with them?

I need a six month vacation twice a year.

Pick up line destined for failure: “Did you sit in sugar because you have a sweet ass?”

I am starting a secret porn club.  We are called The Illuminaughty.

I always enjoy it when I’ve written something online and someone corrects my spelling and they do so in an obnoxious way and add the word “hun” to make their correction sting less. Then I realize they spell “hun” incorrectly unless they think I’m a person of the ethnic group closely related to the Xiongnu people who spoke the Turkic language and contributed to the fall of Roman society.

I’ve been playing video games lately and I’ve built my character to have such a positive reputation but I really want to make my character an evil asshole but I’m too nice of person in real life to let that happen in a video game.

I’d like to apologize to all the people here who think I’m awesome or cool and then you talk to me and are disappointed.

How do 14 year olds get pregnant and I can’t even get a girl to give me a high five?

It’s amazing the power teenage girls hold. All you have to do is stand near them and hear them laugh and you’ll feel like shit for days.

When I went to the theater to see The Watchmen I heard the phrase, “Who watches the Watchmen?”  I thought about it and stood up and shouted, “I’m at the theater watching The Watchmen so I watch the Watchmen.”

I hate when people use the word “literally”incorrectly.  I heard someone say that a boy “literally took my breath away and stole my heart”.  I imagined the boy choked that girl and then cut out her heart to sell on the black market.

I’ve never been more disappointed in life then when I found out that a booby trap had nothing to do with boobs.

One of the best financial tips I’ve ever been given was not to spend all my money on Chia Pets.  It was tempting this Christmas when I saw Obama and Romney Chia Pets but I managed to save my money and will use it to buy guns.

I am so sick of hearing everyone talk about Save the Boobies.  Why does everything have to be about birds?

I’ve heard a lot of companies are no longer allowing employees to telecommute.  I have to agree.  I wouldn’t want to pay someone to sit at home and jack off all day.

I guess Rand Paul is a freedom warrior until a woman asks if she can get an abortion without permission from a man.

If I was a therapist I’d have Soulja Boy on retainer so that if one of my clients asked an emotional question like “why did my father abandon me,” I could say, “Soulja Boy, tell ‘em!”

I bet celebrities have to have creative Twitter passwords like potato56woodchuck97timandericareawesome35turkeysandwiches0nosehairs...and now to go test it.

I was curious about what female porn stars do when they have their periods.  Supposedly there is some sort of device they wear that holds back blood. I then found out that female opera stars are given time off during their periods.  Opera stars get time off while porn stars have to work.  I guess porn really is bad after all.

I could never give a girl the love she deserves because my heart belongs to pushing down those little buttons on the plastic lids at fastfood places.

I’m thinking of getting a pair of overalls and I know the yaren’t cool and I know you’re laughing at the thought of me in overalls but I’ll wear the shit out of those overalls and you can kiss my ass but first you’ll have to unbutton my overalls to get to it.

Every time I ride an elevator, I slowly turn and lift my head hoping that you’ll be there when the door opens.  It doesn’t happen.  I think I should stop dreaming and realize I’m going to be alone forever.

I always wish opportunity would knock on my door but it always turns up to be a missionary trying to get me to join their church.

My nude photos will never be released because I’ve never been nude.  I shower in my bathing suit.  I mean, I’m alone.  What happens if I slip and fall in the shower and break my hip and they come looking for me because I don’t show up for something?  Then I’ll be naked and helpless and my rescuers will take photos of me in my naked state.

I wish I had a gospel choir following me around so they could sing back-up whenever I spoke. That would make me at least 500% sassier.

There really is nothing more satisfying in life as taking a block of cheese and biting into it much like one would bite into an apple or an onion.

If the Dream Police are inside my head they better have a search warrant.

The best form of birth control is scattering Legos all over your floor before you go to bed and then waking up in the night and stepping on them.

I figure it’s a good thing that I’m funny because I’m way too unattractive to maintain a social life.

I bought a new hoodie so hopefully I’ll be able to win some rap battles.

You know you’re not a morning person when people say “Good morning” to you and you reply with “Go to hell”.

I’ve tried dieting, exercising, and pills to help me lose weight but I think the thing that has had the best effect is depression.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If porn has taught me anything it’s that I have to hire babysitters when I have no children and that I should become a pizza delivery guy.

Until a girl breaks into my house demanding that we live together for the rest of our lives I can’t be sure if prayer works or if hell exists…one or the other.

I think the hardest part of being white is denying that I enjoy John Denver.

March 17^th is the only day that Applebee’s gets away with serving green meat.  If you see a girl wearing a shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m Irish” the chances are greater that she’ll give you herpes than her actually being Irish.  You don’t have to be Irish to march in a St.Patrick’s Day parade; you just have to be out of your mind.  St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite day of the year to celebrate my drinking problem. And for those keeping score at home, green beer makes your vomit turn blue.

I auditioned to be a sports commentator and they had me announce a basketball game.  They didn’t hire me because I said, “He really should’ve made that” after every single missed shot.

I think the only reason girls take my number and put it in their cellphones is to know when I’m calling so they know when not to answer.

My latest pick-up line not to work: Your inner thighs would look so cute next to my ears.

Never do your taxes after drinking.  I got back $1trillion, an F22, half of Kuwait,and the right to determine who wins the next presidential election.  I guess I’m responsible for bankrupting America.

If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”and “then” and “than” and “an” and “a”, than your a idiot.

I imagine the first person to pull an egg out from under a chicken’s ass and eat it must’ve been really hungry.

If we ever break up I’m changing my Netflix information because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you entertain someone else for$8 a month.

When I can’t decide between two movies I usually flip a coin and then I decide to watch the other one because I figure the coin was wrong especially if I’m using a Euro.

I’m currently in a very serious relationship.  It’s so serious we don’t even smile.

27 is my 19^th favorite number.

I often wonder if I’m the coolest person in my stained glass class.

I was happy it was Daylight Savings this week because that meant one less hour of soul crushing loneliness.

There are a lot of incriminating looking stains on my bed.  In my defense I ate a box of ice cream sandwiches in bed this weekend.

When I’m teaching I like to start each class by screaming“ED-U-CA-TION!” and then the midi file of U2’s “Elevation” plays and then I take attendance.

The government does not look out for the well being of its citizens.  With the amount of money they spend on buying the Army attack helicopters they could be buying me attack helicopters.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck you should probably see a urologist.

If you can do an imitation of Guy Fieri berating someone and set it to music then you have a Smash Mouth hit song.

I wanted to go see Oz: The Great and Powerful but the theater wouldn’t let me bring in my boombox. I explained that I wanted to play Dark Side of the Moon just in case.

Word on the street is that they are casting a new Cheech and Chong.  I bet when they announce who itis they’ll do like the Catholic Church and there’ll be a lot of white smoke.

There should really be an Anger Management Birds.

I used to have crippling social anxiety. Now I still do, but I play on my phone instead of awkwardly staring at people.

It says it’s 4:20 but it feels like it’s 3:20.

Thanks to masturbation, porn, the internet, and Xanga, life as I once knew it is ruined.  Now, it's entertaining as fuck.

March Madness is always conflicting for me.  I’m not a fan of college basketball but I am a fan of gambling.

Remember that thing I did that made everyone love me?  What was it again?

“No, you should really go out and get some fresh air.  I’ll be here when you get back.” -Xanga

One day I hope to the object of a Xanga crush.  By the way, what happened to Xanga Secrets?  I just hope that crush is good at crushing spiders.

I’ve thought about creating a Bizzaro Xanga where everyone starts off as friends and you try your hardest to scare them off and the person with no friends is the winner.

Only people on Xanga would get involved with a fight over________.  I left it blank so I can use this joke weekly.

Xanga law: Never argue with idiots because they are too dumb to realize they are wrong.  Of course on Xanga both sides think the opposing view is idiotic so I guess that makes everyone who gets involved in Xanga flame wars idiots.

I have a source inside the Sistine Chapel who says that the cardinals have eliminated Eenie and Meenie as potential popes and that they've started playing "duck, duck, pope".