January 10, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 1/9

  Time for another update.  I tried to avoid a lot of nudity this edition.
  
  Willie Ames of Charles in Charge fame and being secure enough to wear that outfit, tried to kill himself this week.  He has been going through a divorce and the stress got to him.  He rented a room, drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and washed if down with some antidepressants.  He then took a knife and started to cut himself across the throat.  Some how police were summoned and took him into custody before he did further harm.  He was in the suicide watch ward at USC.  Where was Scott Baio?  I thought he was in charge.  Let's send some positive thoughts Willie's way.  That is an old picture by the way.  He hasn't aged the best.  My favorite memory of Willie is when he was on Celebrity Fit Club and one judge showed up at his house in the morning and Willie got pissed and turned the hose on him.  You can't write that stuff...wait it was on reality TV so it probably was written.
  
  Who is that sexy beast?  It's Verne Troyer.  Someone leaked photos of him from his senior yearbook.  The photo on the right was when Verne was elected prom king?  Was that a joke?  Were they trying to go for a live version of Carrie?  The only way that is possible is if he protected a child who grew up to end the rule of an evil queen as foretold by an ancient prophecy because that is the only way that makes sense.  Wait, he does look pretty suave so who knows.
  
  Is Uma Thurman giving herself a wedgie?  Well Beatrix Kiddo can do whatever she wants.
  
  Tiffany Pollard aka New York from the VH1 reality world turned 27 this week.  27?  That's it?  She looks like she's ancient.  Well her breast are probably only 3 years old and that gonorrhea is also about 3 years old so some how that all evens out.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies.  Steve Martin was at the beach this week but he forgot his ukulele.  I love The Jerk.  I had an ex-girlfriend that had a bizarre attraction to Steve Martin.  NOW LOOK AT HIM!  LOOK AT HIM!
  
  In sad news, Spaghetti Cat's parents have been canceled.  That's right, no more Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.  Did you ever see that garbage?  They always claimed to have the biggest name celebrities and then they would have someone like Adrian Zmed on the show.  If you liked that show then the good news is that there will be new episodes up until June and then the plug is pulled.  No reason was given but my suspicion is that Spaghetti Cat got to big for that show and Mike and Juliet didn't want to play second fiddle.  My other guess is that people were complaining about how creepy Mike was.  I saw this episode where they were talking about sex and one of the guests looked like she was fearful of Mike jumping over and having his way with her.  He was really creepy.  I hope Spaghetti Cat gets a spin-off.  He's a terrific actor.  He's enjoying that spaghetti without any sauce.
  
  It has happened.  Sanjaya has released music.  It isn't a full album, just an EP and you can purchase it over at Amazon.  That cover makes me want to do some shrooms and become one with it but not in that way.  Since I am sober, it looks like the crying girl designed that cover for Sanjaya.  It's great to see that an American Idol loser can do something other than sing at bat mitzvahs.
  
  Rip Torn got...must....not...make...lame...joke...can't....resist....HE GOT RIPPED!  He got totally ripped.  He was pulled over for driving in the breakdown lane on a Connecticut highway.  He had a tree tied to the top of his Subaru and was driving without a license.  He was charged with DUI, his third in five years.  I think Rip needs an old folks home and to switch from booze to the Werther's Originals and he definitely needs to team up with Tom Green and do a sequel to Freddy Got Fingered.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies....and the gerbils that read my site.  It's Richard Gere, I couldn't resist a gerbil joke.
  
  I would say this is for the ladies however Ray Liotta looks like a lady killer in this photo.  No, he actually looks like he wants to kill some ladies.  Is that mascara?
  
  Pete Wentz was interviewed by Blender magazine and I am so thankful I get that magazine and here's why:  Pete told Blender that his first sexual experience with Ashlee was at the Soho Grand Hotel and he couldn't stop watching himself make love to her in the mirror because...get this...she is his dream girl.  He then went on to say that before they dated he liked to jerk off to photos of her.  Can we get someone to wire his jaw shut, PLEASE?
  
  Paula Abdul has been in talks with CBS about starring in her very own talk show.  Seriously?  The only program she needs involves 12 steps.  Sources say she is leaning toward staying with FOX to do even more American Idol so if CBS really wants drunk, drugged out, incoherent, slurring words for an hour, I have two words: Ozzy Osbourne.
  
  Patrick Swayze was rushed to the hospital today for pneumonia.  I've had that and it almost cost me my life.  It took Bernie Mac's life.  The thing with Patrick is that he is also battling the most deadly of cancers, pancreatic.  One of my neighbors was diagnosed with that a few years ago and two weeks later he died.  Let us send some positive thoughts toward Patrick Swayze.
  
  Paris Hilton told Glamour Magazine that she isn't a skank and that she has had sex with only a couple of people.  I think she means a couple of NFL teams rosters or maybe a couple of people each time.  She can't fool me.  I've seen the tape.
  
  Want proof that Mickey Rourke has issues?  Here it is.  He was at the premier of his movie The Wrestler when he decided he need some crack.  Crack?  Yes, according to Dennis Leary, they keep the crack in the filters.
  
  DEXTER MARRIED HIS SISTER?  Actually, yes.  Michael Hall married Jennifer Carpenter, who plays his sister on the Showtime drama, Dexter.  They have been hiding the fact that they were dating and wed in time for the award season.  You know, they always had a strange chemistry on that show.  I can't wait for more Dexter.  I love it.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies...guess the ass.  This guy is quirky, was on SCTV and SNL and most recently was Jiminy Glick.  Martin Short.
  
  Lisa Bonet gave birth to a son.  She named him Nakoa Wolf Manakauapo Namakahea Momoa.  It basically means something about a wolf warrior with great spirit that fights in the dark rain.  Bronx Mowgli can rest now that his name isn't the worst but Nakoa Wolf Manakauapo Namakahea Momoa's name has a meaning so it is a toss up.
  
  Apparently Lindsay Lohan is officially through with Sam Ronson and her tryst with lesbianism is finished as well.  She moved out of Sam's house and is now living with her manager.  How do I know she is through with Sam and lesbianism?  Look at her face, it has that look to it, that "I just blew the salesman in the dressing room for a 40% discount" look.  The old Linds is back.
  
  Lily Allen should be made surgeon general instead of Sanjay Gupta.  In a recent interview she said that coccaine isn't bad for you and she knows plenty of people that do coke every day and lead normal lives.  She also said that we only get the bad stories about drug use and that no one actually dies from drugs.  Lily went on to say that drugs won't turn you into a rapist, dealer, or prostitute.  Apparently coke makes people babble about drugs.
  
  Lily Allen broke my heart.  She is dating a guy named Jay Jopling who is 45 and he is worth over $100million.  I guess that money turns him into a guy in his 20s with a big dick.  At first I thought she was kissing Anthony Bourdain.  That would be an awesome pair.
  
  Katy Perry broke up with her boyfriend, the guy who just a few weeks ago proposed to her by kissing her and having the ring inside his mouth.  The more I think about that proposal the more disgusting it sounds.  Well she's single.  With Lily Allen going after a father figure and Zooey Dechanel engaged to Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie, I'll have to go back to obsessing over Katy. 
  
  Whenever I see Jude Law, I think, "Hair today, gone tomorrow."  Then I remember why I am trying so desperately to find a wife...I'm balding.  Damn you, steroids!  ANYWAY, here we see Jude and his daughter looking for his career.
  
  Jennifer Love Hewitt and Patricia Arquette broke up with their significant others this week.  Well I hope that works out for them.  I don't know why but it's too early in the year to be thinking this but I really want to go motorboating.
  
  Hugh Hefner has bounced back from his recent break up from his last three girlfriends to now date three more women.  He's dating twins.  That would be awkward.  As if being 19 and dating a guy who is 82 isn't strange enough.  Why does Hef need to date three girls?  It's simple, they help him get off the toilet.  One holds his left side and the another holds his right side and the third well she's on wiping duty, a position assigned to the least favorite of the day.  Some guys....
  
  I always knew Heidi Montag was destined to spend a lot of time on her knees.  What strikes me odd with this photo is that her douchebag boyfriend Spencer is nowhere to be found and that she isn't wearing a bikini.  Oh and if you must know, she's doing some mixed martial arts training.
  
  Dustin Diamond turned 32 this week.  He will always be known as the guy who played Screech and the biggest asshole in all of reality TV.  This is a perfect picture because he is a boob...rimshot.
  
  Does Dita Von Teese ever dress down?  Wow, she is so classy, dedicated to maintaining glamor, and looking like a lady instead of a whore.  I think the female stars of today should take a look at her dressing style and try to copy that.  But...I would like to see what she looks like in a pair of sweat pants and a tank top...next.
  
  David Bowie turned 62 this week.  Is that legal age for retirement?  I hope he retired those pants a long time ago.
  
  Oh Courtney Love!  Your clothing is making my eyes go in opposite directions.  Guess what...Courtney still claims to be drug free.  I need to post one of her recent blog entries from Myspace.  That proves she isn't drug free.
  
  Clay Aiken looks very strange.  No, it isn't that he is grabbing some random woman's breasts, it's his face.  It looks like he has some sort of make-up spackled all over.  Now why would a gay guy be grabbing breasts?  Oh I know.  Clay needs something to brace himself on because look at that guy behind him.  He looks like he is up to no good.
  
  Annalynne McCord, please stop throwing the football at once.  If the Detroit Lions or Minnesota Vikings see you throwing that football, they're likely to draft you.  Be careful, going to those teams could be career suicide.  Maybe you could be a Viking cheerleader.  Do you know why the Metrodome has artificial turf?  To keep the Viking cheerleaders from grazing on the grass. 
  
  WOW!  Amanda Bynes!  I don't think she has aged a bit from her last Nickelodeon show.  She still looks like she is about 14 or 15 to me.  The thing about this photo is that her head looks freaking huge.  It is too big for the rest of her body.  Maybe it's just the hair which makes me want to go out and crank my Poison cds.
  
  Amy Winehouse needs to switch to a one piece bathing suit.  She may stay inside.  Oh and that is her new boyfriend.  She actually didn't give me much to write about this week.
  
  Britney Spears had her Twitter acount hacked.  Yeah...that's about right.

  Well that is it for this week.  If there are any celebrities that you would like to see make the round up let me know.  This weekend stay tuned for the Courtney Love blog entry as well as a look at some videos from Rock of Love Bus.  Oh and I also have my guest blogger coming up.

  • 1:30 AM
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