October 6, 2014

  • I'm scared shitless

    I spent a good deal of time this afternoon and evening at the vet's office with my one cat that almost died a few summers ago.  She hasn't been acting normal the last few days and with all her problems from that illness it had me concerned.  She was sitting in one place and wouldn't move and when she would walk to another room she'd plop down and start biting at her butt.  I was so fearful that she might have a blockage or something because she's also been having hairballs lately.  Anyway, I took her out and the vet found flea dirt in her fur but the cat doesn't go outside so I could've possibly brought them in.  Anyway, after a thorough exam the vet determined the cat doesn't have any blockages and I have to give her a laxative for hairballs.  I'm also supposed to keep an eye on her for fleas.  I think the vet combed her fur for about an hour and didn't find a single flea but plenty of dirt and scabs.  It was either she had fleas or she's having some sort of possible allergic reaction.
    I shouldn't be worrying about this because I have a slew of medical tests tomorrow.  I guess I'll get to see if they'll let me live or not because of all those death panels Obamacare installed.  I'm not the healthiest person so I think they'll choose the death pile for me.  It's follow up from tests that were done last week which came back with bad news.
    I am so frustrated and feel so alone but at least I have this cat. P1020593
    And this one too.
    I also love that after a year Xanga Team has actually decided to work on their customer relations.  I also love how the spam comments I get are from Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

September 22, 2014

September 17, 2014

  • Motivation

    I wish I had a boner for Xanga.  I also wish Xanga Team had a boner for Xanga.

    The problem with falling in love with people on the internet is that sometimes they turn out to be real.

    One time I told my girlfriend to get a nurse’s outfit and she took me literally and got some scrubs.  It was very weird when she kept insisting on taking my temperature rectally.

    Da Vinci didn’t draw big honkers on the Mona Lisa only because he was an ass man but that’s only according to the new controversial art history book that I’m currently writing.

    Hollister clothes give off a “you could beat me up if you tried but my daddy would sue you” vibe.

    Why are the teachers in movies always more memorable than teachers in real life?  Probably because you only have to put up with them for about 2 hours.

    If they didn’t want me stealing music then they shouldn’t have given it a name as cool as “pirating”.  ARRRRR!

    Zoos are way overcrowded and most animals are there simply because they got caught with just a little marijuana for personal use.

    I was listening to “Piano Man” by Billy Joel and there’s this line that goes “There’s an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin”.  It makes me laugh because 1.  Imagine getting kicked out of a bar for sticking your dick in a mixed drink and 2.  who drinks a gin and tonic at a bar?

    Being a cat or dog must be horrible because you have to lick all the gunk off yourself.  Mud caked on your fur?  You have to lick it off.  You swim in a grimy creek and your fur gets all slimy?  You have to lick it off.  Need to wipe your ass?  Well I got some bad news for you, friends.

    I hope you ladies hope 3D printing advances because then you can 3D print my penis pics.

    If Xanga was a bar would you yell out “Godfather” when I walked in?  I think I would really like that and the good thing would be that after you yelled my name you could go back to doing whatever it was you were doing and then ignore me for the rest of the night.  It’s not that I don’t want you to talk to me it’s just that I’m trying to spare you.  But if Xanga was really a bar it would probably be filled with obnoxious teenagers with fake IDs.  Now I’m getting totally weepy over the Cheers song.  I have no idea why.  Maybe it’s because taking a break from all my worries sure would help a lot.

    I was excited to see $3.45 gas the other day.  This may be evidence that the terrorists in fact have won.

    I drank a 3 liter bottle of Faygo orange pop so I guess I’m good for Vitamin C for the week.

    There’s a guy standing outside Costco with a sign that says “Will work for food.”  He must not know there’s free samples inside.

    One thing I have done to cut calories out of my diet is to throw out the cherry that they put on top of McDonald’s milkshakes.

    The best part about getting attacked by a Cyclops is I only had to use half my pepper spray.

    You need to find someone that makes you laugh and hold on to them; never let them go, force them to entertain you forever.  Congratulations, you now have a clown slave.

    My girlfriend said she wanted to try sex missionary style.  I then forced her to change her religion and then gave her smallpox infected blankets.

    Do you think football teams would dump Gatorade on the coach if they lose and know he hates Gatorade?

    Just for the record, none of my kisses have ever begun with Kay.

    I just want to jump out of my car and strangle all those people with road rage.

    They didn’t make enough House Party movies if you ask me.  If you didn’t ask me then just ignore this.

    VH1 just picked up my show "Listening to Power Pop Records with Death Metal Bands."

    Pretending to be a sane person is exhausting.

    How come the History Channel is nothing more than shows about truck drivers, pawn deals, refurbishing junk, buying junk, and the world being formed by aliens?  Is their programming an indictment on the intelligence level of America?

    Why does Burger King have no castle and White Castle have no king?

    Did people in Biblical times clip their fingernails?  I’ve always wonder that.  Maybe that explains how so many people could die in those Biblical battles.

    I’ve found the best way to make friends is to walk up to a group of strangers, interrupt their conversation, and tell them my 9/11 conspiracy theories.  Just so you know, I think Jeff Tweedy was the mastermind.

    I like the term “sexual encounter” because it reminds me of getting attacked in an rpg and your only option being to beat your opponent to death with your boner

    My favorite type of porn is the kind with anthropomorphized jars of spaghetti sauce.  That also happens to be my favorite type of spaghetti sauce.

    Pick-up line destined for failure: Are you from Tennessee because you’re nonchalantly using racial slurs and making me feel very uncomfortable?

    Money may not buy happiness but misery buys bulk at Sam’s Club.

    I support the president taking all necessary measures to end the scourge known as anime.

    I think someone should ask renowned humanitarian Bono about the intolerable working conditions at Apple’s factories in China.

    I’m on a diet and at lunch I ate a yogurt and of course after unpeeling it I had to lick the lid of the dumpster at Burger King.

    Can anyone tell me what would go wrong if I decided to go outside, climb a ladder with a chainsaw, and cut a branch that is brushing against my window this evening?

    If I was on Molly and I was insanely wealthy at the Kentucky derby, I’d be giving out 100 dollar bills and trying to get random people to do Molly with me just like Wes Welker.  The only difference is that I don’t play in the NFL.

    Most of the original Joan Rivers has been dead for a long time anyway this was basically the silicone cyborg shell being deactivated

    I just updated my resume to include “Helped individuals cure cancer and birth defects by liking and sharing photos on Facebook”.

    I sometimes suffer from anxiety in public.  I hate being in large groups and when I am I have a difficult time speaking.  The last time I was at a party, it took me all night to work enough the courage to ask the host’s dog if he was a good boy.

    You know that urban legend about the killer in the backseat?  Well I’ve often worried about that scenario playing out with me.  I’d be so embarrassed, not because I’d be murdered by a creep but because the creep would hear me singing off-key and trying to rap along with Brother Ali.

    I’ve often thought it’s weird how my sense of humor comes from years of depression and trauma but I only like telling jokes when I’m in a good mood.

    I’ve always thought it would be great to have tons of wild sex so that when I’m older I can talk about all the nasty, kinky shit I did at the most inappropriate of times.  Lately, I’ve changed my mind.  I don’t want to have a lot of sex.  I just want to bullshit about it.  I could imagine sitting around my grandchildren one day telling them about how I had a threeway with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin and it involved me being Lucky Pierre.  Then my kids will tell me that I shouldn’t fill the grandkids’ heads with such malarkey and that I need to quit ruining everyone’s Christmas with my stories of getting a former vice presidential candidate to use a strap-on on me.

    I think I have a new million dollar idea.  I make dildos but I get my cats and neighbor’s dog to chew on them before they’re shipped out.  Then everyone can enjoy the different textures and feels from animal bite marks.  PLEASE DON’T STEAL THIS IDEA!

    Men who cry they’re not like other men are exactly like the millions of men who claim they aren’t like other men.

    Why is it that lifeguards don’t appreciate it when you give them the band-aids you find in the pool?

    I once took Ketamine and stared at a tree for five hours.  The tree said nothing and stared back.  The tree’s name was Bill.  Bill won the staring contest.

    I once did cocaine and fought an elephant for two straight days.  I finally won when I stretched his truck and tied it around his testicles and used them for a boxing bag.

    I once took a handful of Adderall and accidentally learned Japanese in a 20 hour masturbation session to hentai porn.

    I once took LSD and examined all the veins on my penis.  I began crying profusely because I hadn’t seen this beautiful highway before.

    I once smoked crack and learned the language of hummingbirds.  I tried speaking to them but they mocked my accent.  The hummingbirds made a powerful enemy that day.

    People defending Adrian Peterson confuse me. The kid is 4 years old. No need to whip him like that. Big difference in discipline and abuse.  I understand wanting to discipline your children but whipping them in the balls?  WTF is wrong with him?

    I always hear about chicks who can suck a "mean dick" but what about chicks who can suck a nice, gentlemanly dick?

    When it comes to vaccinations, always trust the opinion of a former MTV game show host and Playboy playmate who injects Botox in her face.

    Why is it that girls don’t want to see my baseball car collection?

    Those who can, do, and those who can’t are usually hired by ESPN to criticize those who can.

    I bet being held close by a tiny dancer would be pretty awkward.

    Do you think Bob Marley had posters of privileged white kids all over his house?

    I heard that the Disney version of Godzilla will be called Gollyzilla.

    Football helmets may never eliminate concussions but they will eliminate unwanted conversations.

    Do cows get milk mustaches?

    I’d like to see an alien show on History Channel where they try to explain to aliens why we do the things we do in our every day lives.  Can you imagine trying to explain using toilets to space aliens?

    Here in the Midwest we love pop culture while the rest of the country enjoys soda culture.

    A dwarf, a midget, and a little person walk into a bar.  The bartender says, “Hey, nice trenchcoat.”

    Why do they call it blood splatter instead of axe body spray?  I suppose it’s because killing people with axes has gone out of fashion.

    I was at a grocery store and I heard someone say, “White guys smell like milk.”  Hey, that’s only 2% true!

    Have you ever noticed in Viagra or Cialis ads, everyone looks like they are meeting for the first time?  I suppose in a way it’s true.

    I just had my first online dating experience.  We decided to take a walk on the beach.  There we are walking side by side on the beach as the sun is setting.  We reached out to hold each other’s hands and then my heart starts racing.  I start sweating profusely.  I feel numbness in my hands and my left arms has incredible pain.  Our palms are sweating as we look into each other’s eyes.  Our eyes meet and being shy we both start to blush and I crack a shy smile.  Then I have an impure thought and bats start flying out of my mouth and engulf her and carry her by the hair down the beach.  I run after her.  I hold her close to my body and then a black cat runs in front of us and its head does a 360 degree turn and then it starts projectile vomiting furballs at us.  Then all the hounds of hell start baying.  She runs away.  I’m hoping for a second date.

    I’m pitching a new show for Netflix next week.  It’s about a guy who sits down to watch Netflix and spends a half hour looking for something to watch but ends up passing out on his couch.  I’m calling it Queue Hunter.

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September 2, 2014

August 21, 2014

August 19, 2014

April 29, 2014

April 10, 2014

  • I hear that Coral Bear is taking over for Letter Man.  Is this true?

February 21, 2014

  • Well my birthday wishes didn't come true.  Pretty much everyone forgot and no one tongued my balls human contact.  Looks like I'm in for another year of disappointment.

February 12, 2014