Recommend this post if you are here only to rebel against your Amish parents.

This post is also an appreciation post for everyone who has tolerated me over the years.

Because of the NSA, all my phone sex conversations are now threesomes.  SCORE!

Did you know that every single rectal thermometer is individually tested?  I don’t know if I could tolerate that job because I hear it’s a real pain in the ass.  Yeah, lame, I know.  But could you imagine coming home to your wife after having thermometers shoved up your ass all day?  “How was your day at work, dear?”  “Well I tested 100 thermometers and only 5were defective.  I also have a new co-worker and he isn't as gentle as Bob.”  Oh and something about walking bowlegged.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision toeat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’s S-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

How is it 2013 and they haven’t invented a vacuum cleaner that sucks more than Gianna Michaels giving head?

I have hands.  You have boobs.  What an interesting turn of events!

I hate that saying about how if you dream about someone then that means they miss you.  Danny DeVito has made numerous appearances in my dreams and I doubt he’s missing me.

I sort of want a summer job. Is there anyone out there that wants to hire me to walk around their house in a French maid’s uniform and do nothing?

I was saddened to learn that there isn’t a Godfather’s Day.  What am I supposed to do with this horse head?

I wonder why my kids never called to wish me a happy Father’s Day.  Ungrateful imaginary brats!

If you ever want to see how irrationally angry people can become, buy a Beatles shirt and tell people that you don’t know what a Beatle is but just like the way the shirt looks on you.

If Myspace made it to see 2013 then you can make it through your day.  Xanga on the other hand…

I like my girls like how I like my coffee.  Do they make coffee that’s emotionally supportive?  No?  Shit. I will try that joke again.

I didn’t see the new Superman movie.  It looks like an elaborate prequel to a Shaquille O’Neal movie.  I also heard it was unbelievable because they show that the daily newspaper is alive and well and sends out reporters on international assignments.

I wish it was acceptable for guys to carry purses.  Do you know how hard it is to fit tampons in a wallet?

It seems like everyone tries to make small talk about the weather with me.  This is why I always carry a Farmer’s Almanac with me and why I need a purse.

My three favorite movies are Matrix Revolutions, Matrix Reloaded, and The Notebook.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I find it funny that people demand Mexican immigrants learn our language yet demand they keep cooking their food so we can have delicious Mexican restaurants everywhere.

I’ve been thinking that when I become famous I should get a coat made of Sasquatch fur or Loch Ness Monster scales so that when the paparazzi try to take photos of me they all come out blurry.

My dick is so big that it can’t be photographed and anyone who catches a glimpse of it tells their friends they’ve seen the Sascrotch.

How am I supposed to be focused when they put beer in shiny metal cans and bottles?

I’m worried that I won’t find a woman who hates me as much as I hate myself.

Whenever I see a urinal with the sign “Sorry, I’m Out of Order,” I think, “Gee whiz, a urinal that can write!  That’s awesome!”

I don’t get why guys would spike drinks at bars.  Alcohol is expensive.  If a girl leaves a drink unattended, I’m going to drink it.

Ladies, I’m easy on the eyes because I aim for the mouth.

Dildos are like Taco Bell. You know you’re not getting real meat but it’ll do.

I really hate being a Grammar Nazi but shouldn’t it be “The Diary of A Frank”?  Thank you, I will now accept my award for “Best in the world at overcompensating for having a micropenis by being a Grammar Nazi”.

If they have gum to curb nicotine addiction, why isn’t there a crack gum?

A lot of people tell me I should be outraged over Monsanto.  It’s sort of hard when their name sounds like a Jamaican Santa Claus.

I once heard an ad man say that companies avoid naming products with words that begin with the letter “V” because it makes people think of vaginas.  Since when is thinking of vaginas a bad thing?

I find it funny that the people who cheered for the Patriot Act under Bush hate it now that Obama’s in office.  This is what you wanted.

The worst part about butt dialing someone on my cellphone is that my butt’s usually better at flirting than I am.

I recently applied for a coaching position at Minnesota State: Mankato.  They were happy to hear I had no children.

Either I’m getting picky or the amount of bangable women at this Denny’s is dwindling.

Most guys can’t pull off wearing sweat pants in a strip club.  I’m not most guys.

In honor of Flag Day, I wished our politicians would honor the flag instead of wiping their asses with it.

Have you ever been upset because you don’t have any pockets to carry your harmonica?

Why do people put “26.2” stickers on their cars?  That’s a sticker saying you’ve ran a marathon.  Who cares because you’re driving a car?  I have a 13.1 sticker on my car but that’s telling everyone how endowed I am.

I saw a Panera Bread restaurant and wished it was Pantera Bread.  I’d totally eat the vulgar display of chicken salad sandwich.

I tried to write something in cursive three months ago and went on a drug binge and that’s how I was placed in this rehab facility.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

Another new Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where dead horses aren’t safe.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.

Jessica...the mere mention of her name makes my heart skip a beat.

She was the only girl who had complete ownership of my heart

I met her one summer one summer while I was working at my dead-end job at a gift shop in a tourist trap.  I was having a horrible day, probably because it was nearing triple digits and my boss had this thing about always having store doors open because otherwise people would think we were closed and take money elsewhere.  He was correct; people are idiots like that. 

I was unloading a shipment of t-shirts.  I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t hear her walk into the store.  Checking off the items must have made me deaf because I didn’t hear her footsteps. 

“Ahem”…she cleared her throat to get my attention.

I didn’t even look up as I replied, “Yes?”

“Are you open?”

I chuckled because I realized that just because the store doors were closed she thought we weren’t opened and so I said, “Yes.”

She didn’t understand why I chuckled and she asked, “What’s so funny?”

I started talking as I looked up to meet her eyes.  All I got out of my mouth was, “Well you see…”  And then I locked eyes with her eyes and I was lost.  I drowned in those sparkling pools of mystery.  She giggled.  I stammered and tried to get to my feet but one of my legs had “fallen asleep” and I hobbled.  She giggled harder.  I should have been on my knees worshiping this goddess.  That first image of Jessica still burns in my memory but not as much as the last.

“Sorry, it’s been a long day and I have been asked that question about a hundred times.”

“Well you could have a sign that says you are open.”  After that sentence she flashed me a smile and it made me melt.  My brain turned to goop.

“Yeah I suppose I should.” 

“How much longer is your shift?”

“Let’s see, I’ve been hear since 9 this morning, it’s 7PM and I start college on August 20^th so I’m finished August 20^th.”  God, I am such a fool but she laughed.

“That’s too bad, I was hoping a local could show me and my friends around tonight.”

“Well I can sleep when I am dead.”

“That’s creepy.”

“Ah, yeah but you have to forgive me because I haven’t had any sleep since the week before finals.”

“OK, I forgive you.”  She then flashes me that smile and then asked, “When do you close?”

“Midnight.”

“I’ll be back by 11:30.”

I didn’t quite understand what was so special about our first conversation.  I wasn’t on my game.  Yet, she showed up as I was getting ready to close.  In fact according to my watch it was 11:25.  I closed in record time.  She then said, “I think we have a problem.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m only 20.”

“Well I’ll just say you’re my wife and that way you can be in the bar.”

We went in and that was our plan.  It worked and truth be told that even after only knowing this girl a few hours it did feel like she was my spouse.  There was this indescribable instant connection.  It wasn’t what you would call love at first sight but I just felt this instant bond. 

After a few drinks Jessie said, “I think I better get back to the motel otherwise my friends may worry.”

I drove her to the Polynesian hotel and I thought that was nice because it was on my way home.  I pulled into a parking space and didn’t quite know how to say goodbye.  I mean we had this connection and I wouldn’t ever see her again.

“So do you want to come in?”

“Well…ugh…I…um…”

“I thought you said that you were an English minor.  I figured that meant you could answer a simple question.”

“Yes?”

We walked to her suite.  Her friends were inside and had been drinking. 

“Jess, where were you?  We’ve been worried.”

“My husband here took me out for a couple of drinks.”

“Like in a bar?”

“Yeah…in a bar.”

We sat around that night talking and exchanging the first time pleasantries.  It was amazing how we just clicked.  Her friends started getting sleepy so Jessie suggested we go to the lobby to continue talking.

I think that was the greatest conversation I have had in my life.  Time stopped.  We got to know each other.  And then I noticed the sunrise.  I had work in a couple of hours and she had to get ready to leave return home.  We exchanged phone numbers and like a fool I held out my hand as if to shake.  She laughed and reached up and hugged me.  I wrapped around and hugged back.  The hug then turned into a deep passionate kiss.  Her lips sent electric shocks throughout every inch of my body.

I felt someone else there and sure enough there was some one getting the continental breakfast ready.  We broke the kiss and both looked at each other and said, “Wow!”

I walked backwards waving goodbye thinking I would never see her again but I was wrong.  A few hours into my shift, I see the goddess return.  She went on and on about this strange connection that she felt she had with me and how she didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye again.  We embraced and our lips locked.  Looking down into her eyes as we kissed told me this girl was special. 

She came back a couple days later and stayed with me for the rest of that summer.  I finally felt complete after having some really bad relationships.  Jessie was the one…The One. 

Things got rocky when I had to move back to college and Jessie returned to her college.  We both looked at ways to be closer to each other.  My school offered only two majors and neither of those was Jessie’s emphasis.  Her school had some of the program in which I was majoring but I wouldn’t be able to finish at the same school.  She decided the best bet was to transfer to a school about a half hour from where I went and that way we would be closer and wouldn’t be separated by 6 hours.

The weekends were fun.  We traded off.  I went to see her one weekend and then the next she would come see me.  Everything was going great.  Around the first of November I get a phone call from Jessie.  She was crying.  I asked what was wrong and she said that she wouldn’t be able to see me at Thanksgiving because she was expected to go see family in California.  I said that as long as we held each other in our hearts then we would be together.  I still here her response: “Oh…Matt, I love you with all my heart.  You know, I still tell people you are my husband.”  I took that to heart and the next day bought an engagement ring, which I had planned to give Jessie at Christmas.

I didn’t give her the ring at Christmas.  The weekend before Thanksgiving, Jessie came to see me and also to look for apartments and jobs for her move.  That was one of the best weekends ever.  I was so drunk on her love and affection that she gave me, a love I have yet to experience all these years later. 

I prepared a speech to ask for her hand in marriage but I couldn’t get the words right.  I also wanted it to be in a romantic place but I settled for something intimate like my bedroom and my couch. 

We were watching some movie.  I was bored with it but it had captured Jessie’s attention.  We were all curled up together on my couch and I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. 

“What was that for?”

“Oh I felt like I needed to show gratitude to the greatest girl in the world.  You have to be the greatest to put up with me and it’s more than put up.  You actually give a damn about me.  I love you.”

“Aww…I love you too.”

“Jess, we’ve been together for a while now and I suppose this makes me a bad boyfriend that I don’t know the exact amount of time but I was wondering about how you might want me to ask you to marry you.  Like, where would you want me to pop the question?”

“I don’t know.  What are you talking about?”

“Would you want me to ask you in a public place like a restaurant or something intimate like her in my bedroom?”

"I guess I’d rather have the intimate because I wouldn’t want all those people staring.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  So what would you want me to say?”

“I guess how much you love me and how I would complete you and you want to be with me forever.”

“So…Jessica, you are the most amazing woman I have ever known and the love you have shown me has made me into a new man.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  You were put on this earth for me.  Nothing can separate us because we are meant to be.  You and me, forever, Jessie…and then ask you for marriage?”

“Aw…you are going to make me cry.”

“Well it is how I feel.  So after I say that, then what would you want me to do?”

“I suppose show me the ring.”

I reached behind my couch and grabbed the ring box.  “How about a ring like this?”

“OH MY GOD!  ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

“Jessica, will you marry me?”

“YES!”

We embraced and were engaged.  It was too good to be true.  I never wanted that moment to end.  I was in her loving arms.  I felt loved.

Jessie had to leave the next day so she could get home.  I packed her car and fueled it for her.  I got back and she was sitting on my couch admiring her ring. 

“Matt, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“I think the old saying is ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”

“Yes, but after Thanksgiving we’re both going to be busy with school and we won’t see each other until Christmas.”

“I know but our love is so strong that we can manage.”

We kissed and Jessie said it was time for her to leave.  I walked her to her car and she started the engine and rolled down the window so we could have one last kiss.  I walked back to my apartment and turned around as I watched her pull away.  She turned on to a main street slowly as she waved good-bye.  Sadly that was our last good bye.

As she waved and mouthed the words “I love you” a car came out of nowhere and slammed into her car.  Her car flew into a light pole and was wrapped around it.  I ran over to the twisted mess of metal and broken glass.  There was Jessica.  She was crushed.  I was frantically trying to rip the door off its hinges so that I could get her out.  I dug so hard that I lost fingernails on each hand.

Jessie looked up at me and coughed.  Blood trickled down her cheek and out of her mouth.

“Matt?”

“I’m here, baby, don’t worry.  I am going to get you out.”  I heard sirens.

“Matt?”

“I’m right here, Jessie, I’m trying to get you out.”

“I love you.”

“GODDAMN!  Jessie, I love you.”

“Matt, I love-“

I reached in and managed to kiss her.  I heard the sirens.  One last pull on the door broke it off.  I pulled her free and kissed her and began weeping.  Jessie was dead.  

The next few months were a blur.  Jessie’s parents blamed me for her death because they said I had her chasing foolish dreams.  I drew into a world of depression.

I haven’t loved another like I loved Jessica.  She was my one and only.  I have come close but they never made me feel the way Jessie did.

Sometimes I wish I was in that car.  Not that I want to die but that I seem to have cheated death on so many occasions.  Like the time I went running after a deer and I slipped and my shotgun flew in the air and as it landed I heard a click but was joyed to learn it misfired when I saw the barrel pointed at my head.  Oh and the time I drove my car off a thirty foot cliff.  Then I can't forget the time I decided to ride my big wheel down 4 flights of stairs.  Of course there was the time my dad left me in the car seat of the hood of his car and I slid off and landed head first on the curb.  Anyway, I miss that girl greatly and I still wish it was me that died because my life has been empty since.

I thought the beef was from a male cow but I guess that was a miss steak.

These Speedos really do bring out my personality.

Gordon Ramsay wears Crocs. How good of a chef can he really be? What a Croc of shit!

I think the reason tears have salt in them is because Mother Nature wants them to burn because it gets you to stop crying and being such a pansy.

Have you ever thought about balloons as gifts?  It’s like you’re giving someone a bag of your breath.  Hopefully you didn’t eat onions before you blew it up otherwise you could be charged with chemical warfare which is totally a violation of the Geneva Convention.

I think JFK’s inauguration speech would’ve had more impact if it had been, “Ask not what the pussy can do for you but what you can do for the pussy.”

While on the topic of pussy…overheard at school “Her pussy is looser than the speed limit enforcement in this town.”

I tutored a pregnant 6^th grader today.  Also, if any of you are thinking of becoming a teacher, I listened to a kid give a ten minute Power Point presentation on dubstep.

A girl once had a mental breakdown because my boobs were bigger than hers.

I hear people talking about “nudes”.  What are they?  Can someone show me?

Why do people take photos of their buttholes?  Even better, why are there people who want to see photos of buttholes?  And still, who decides one day that they want to stick their tongue on a butthole?  What the fuck is wrong with this world?

I texted a girl that I’m hornet.  She thought it was a typo.  She’ll soon find out the truth.

I have always wondered if there is a dumbass out there who has watched a few seasons of Dexter and thought that he could get away with murder and then actually tried.  I have wondered if I could but I’m not dumbass enough to try.

I’m a lot like my refrigerator.  I’m cold on the inside and filled with processed cheese and lunch meats.

Have you ever choked on your own spit and then felt like natural selection was trying to tell you something?

They say blood is thicker than water but mayonnaise is thicker than blood so I guess that means I have to put egg salad before my family.

I originally wanted to be cremated but since I live near a funeral home I ask the funeral director if he could get me in the coffin and have me flexing my amazing 24 inch pythons for all eternity and he said he could.  So I’m going to be buried flexing my muscles and my tombstone is going to read “Ripped in Peace”.

Why are there guys named “Dick” and no girls named “Pussy”?  That’s sexist.

Obama’s dog is more popular than I am and that sort of makes me upset.

So it’s June now. Looks like I’ve wasted five months of the year.  Oh well, here’s to wasting another seven.

Thanks to The Great Gatsby, every time I can’t remember someone’s name I call them “old sport”.

Is there baking soda in your refrigerator?  Legend has it that if there is baking soda in there that it’s so old that if you eat a spoonful it’s like tripping on acid.

I once performed cunnilingus on a girl during Law and Order: SVU.  It didn’t last long because the weird sex stuff they were talking about on the show killed the mood.

Why are white people the only people who talk about nationalities with fractions?

My sense of humor can be best described as “Oh my god” and “Please stop, this is a funeral”.

When is VH-1 going to have a “Pope Benedict: Where are they Now” special?

I need to get something off my chest.  It’s my shirt.  Let’s have sex.

I can’t believe people think it’s OK for a girl to be a Lebanese.  What has the world come to?

I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig.

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pickup some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

How much are you supposed to talk about the fear of dying alone on a second date?  I’m not sure if I said too much or not enough.  I figure that if the date went well I got a kiss at the end but if it went bad I will spend eternity alone.

What music genre would you recommend for a guy who loves rhyming and bragging about material possessions?

HAHAHAHA!  You fools!  What you think are spam emails have provided me with numerous iPads and a massive penis!

I’m a gentle lover mostly because I have a flaccid penis.  But at least it's massive thanks to those emails.

If you have sex with an Asian girl, does your penis become blurry?

Maybe I’ll join the new Xanga after all.  The only thing is the new GodfatherofGreenBay blog will be different.  It will follow all my sexual exploits just as soon as I finish building my sex robot.  Until then, if anyone needs me, I’ll be lowering my standards on JDate and OnlineBootyCall.  I am conflicted with internet dating because part of me thinks it’s creepy and then part of me wants to have sex with a stranger I met on the internet.

Xanga needs to follow the business model of my porn site…POST MORE PORN!

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I think the moral of the story is we’ve all been on Xanga way too long.

New Xanga motto: Stop being rude and start being nude.

Geez, Xanga is going to die before me.  I was planning on having you all come to my funeral and have each of you read one of my posts so that everyone in the crowd would realize it was good that I was dead. Thanks a lot for ruining my plans, Xanga Team.  While we’re at it, I really don’t want to pledge money or pay for something that’s free unless Xanga has a business plan in place and they have someone who can operate the finances of this site because obviously the old crew couldn’t do the work because if they could then Xanga wouldn’t be in this mess.  I say we make theologianscafe the CEO of Xanga: ANUSTART

I now know what procedures Walmart has implemented in the case of a tornado.  Last night we had a tornado come through these parts.  It was maybe 25 miles from where I live.  Today after a doctor’s appointment I thought I needed some fresh air so I went to the Walmart in the town where that tornado was after my aunt and mom asked if I wanted to get out.  I looked at the minimal damage around the town(just a bunch of downed trees, loose shingles, and a couple businesses that lost roofs).  I got what I needed and waited for my mom and aunt to finish.  I was sitting in front of the store people watching.  Then it started raining and it was coming down so hard that I thought the roof was going to collapse.  My mom cam and sat next to me and we were watching the rain and Walmart employees scurrying around.  All of a sudden we hear this cashier scream, “TORNADO!  YAY!”  Then they came over the loudspeakers telling us we need to go to the back of the store.  Then there was a line of employees that reminded me of riot police on State Street on Halloween.  They would not let anyone past.  We were herded into the electronics section.  I couldn’t believe how many people were back there.  Then they shut off the air conditioning and with all those people and the humidity it got so hot back there and I go into a full blown asthma attack.  One of the Walmart employees sees me struggling with my inhaler so she takes me to a back room to sit and try to cool off.  There were like 50 people in this room.  It was awful.  We had to sit there until they were given an all clear.  People start freaking out because phone lines went down.  Luckily I could send out texts on Twitter but I couldn’t take or make phone calls.  Well the all clear was given and we left.  I think the worst part was not knowing what was going on because they didn’t have TVs or radios.  The managers were huddling around a weather radio elsewhere in the store.  The tornado did no damage that we could tell.  It was about 5 miles away.  So I’m alive and didn’t see any members of the lollipop guild.  The strange thing was that after the tornado I counted 20 pregnant teenage girls.  I didn’t think we were back there that long.

Links...the last time I'm doing links because I went through and deleted all the ones that were sitting in my files.

1.  When I was a kid I had a lot of action figures.  My favorite were G.I. Joes.  I had a friend that had almost every He-Man figure so that's why I thought of posting this list of the most ill-conceived action figures.  I had a few of the Rambo figures.  I didn't see the movies until I was out of college but I had those action figures.

2.  And while we are talking about action figures, here's another list of the 36 worst action figures from iconic lines.  I had #8 and 9.  My friend had both the He-Man figures.  The Stinkor was horrendous.

3.  I like studying etymologies because I'm that big of a nerd.  Anyway, here are 11 politically incorrect etymologies of common words and phrases.

4.  And here are 9 dirty etymologies of every day words.

5.  If you remembered I enjoyed wikipedia lists.  Here's a list of minor planets named after people.  I was going to suggest naming one after Xanga but...fuck.

6.  Here's a list of causes of death by rate.  Xanga by suicide?

7.  This is one of the most terrifying Tumblr sites I've happened upon.  It's called Actresses Without Teeth.

8.  Someone on Tumblr created a site devoted to photos of Bruce Springsteen's Crotch.

9.  And one of my favorite Tumblrs, Michael Buble being Stalked by a Velociraptor.  Hmmm that's a lot of Tumblrs.  Guess where I'm heading once Xanga dies.

10.  Here's a website that's thriving.  It's a bulletin board and it's a support group for people who chew ice.

11.  There's something about Wisconsin and the Bloody Mary.  When I was in Minnesota and watched friends order the drink it was basically just the drink and maybe a piece of celery and a couple olives.  In Wisconsin, bars go all out with their Bloody Marys.  One bar that I worked next to for a few years in the tourist trap served what they called "The Breakfast of Champions".  It was a standard Bloody Mary as far as the drink goes but it was garnished with 6 jumbo shrimp and 3 dill pickles and a celery stalk.  It also came with a bottle of whatever beer you wanted for a chaser.  Then there's a bar in my town that features a Bloody Mary garnished with a cheese stick, pepperoni, black olives, dill pickle, and celery stalk.  Now a bar in Wisconsin has created the mother of all Bloody Marys.  The best part?  It only costs $5.

12.  I swear if I lived in Madison I would go broke ordering from this service.

Tattoos:


I never thought I'd see the day when I'd see Twin Peaks tattoos.

He's going to be so Ledgendary on the internet for the rest of his life.

No

Probably not

Dick Nixon?  He was all about the money.

This may be the tastiest tattoo I've ever seen.

This one is actually really cool.

Tattoo Chuck Norris cannot be stopped from kicking your ass.

Oh that's going to get removed in a year or so.

No one is looking at the tattoo.

Best Thom Yorke tattoo ever!

Xanga changes
What the fuck?  Seriously?  You give the community 6 weeks to raise $60,000.  This is nothing but a shakedown.  It would be nice if you gave us some incentive to using the site like allowing us to go back more than six photos in our photoblog.  Or having the music section work.  Or having the videos upload.  Maybe if you put time in the website people would be willing to pay but when it doesn't work why should anyone.  I hope you give out refunds.  Oh and if the site dies what are you going to do with all the information you've kept on file for people who paid and faxed in photos of driver's licenses so they could view all the sites here?  I'm going to Tumblr.  Here's a hilarious Tumblr called Xanguh.  It's a collection of real screenshots from this dead site.

The best way to celebrate Memorial Day and honor our fallen soldiers is being stinking drunk for three days.  Yep, that’s the American way.  I also hate it that all those brave men and women had to lay down their lives so we could get good deals on appliances and cars.

There are five things I’d start a civil war over or at least unleash untold destruction against my fellow man: Crystal Pepsi, the pronunciation of “gif”, the last cannoli, Packers intercepting the ball on a last second Hail Mary pass only to have it called a touchdown, and Star Wars prequels.

My favorite band is Pink Freud and their best album was “Dark Side of Your Mom”.

How am I supposed to have a good day when 30% of my fellow Americans aren’t getting enough fiber in their diets?

If you rearrange the letters in “Benghazi” you get “bezingah”.  If that’s not evidence enough that the U.S. government and a CBS sitcom are colluding in some sort of conspiracy then I don’t know what is.

I’ll never be one of those Hollywood leading men like Shrek or Shrek 3.

When I went to a restaurant recently there was a cloud hanging in the place because of the sexual tension between soup and salad.  The soup and salad bar was just waiting for something to happen.

Any ladies interested in making a secret handshake with me?  It involves our mouths and genitals and hours.

I sort of want to get a hickey on my neck because I’ve never had the experience of telling people that I burnt myself with a curling iron.

Birth control pills are more fun when you look at them like they’re an Advent calendar for pregnancy prevention.

Have you ever noticed that people only consider love to be real if it’s reciprocated?  Guess my love for beer isn’t real.

Paper weights are a good idea on paper but nowhere else.

Why is it that the national symbol is the bald eagle?  Every eagle I’ve seen has a full head of hair.  I think it’s a conspiracy.

Adrian Peterson says he does not believe in Minnesota’s legalizationo f gay marriage.  I guess that makes him a gaytheist.  I also hear he ran a 4.3 40yard dash to get away from a gay newlywed couple.

How long is it before girls start taking duckface driver’s license photos?

Some people suffer from ADD. I have ADD-HD.  Everything is better in high definition.

I think the best example of how kids can be anything when they grow up is how Toby Keith had a hit song about a plastic red cup and another song about beating up people that don’t share your religion.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down on me from Heaven and tell me he’s proud of me but he can’t because he isn’t dead.

I’ve learned that chasing your dreams isn’t always easy but with hard work and dedication I swear I will become the first Xangan to be the world champion mayonnaise eater.  This is my goal: get good at eating mayonnaise, get confidence, win, and THEN meet a woman.  What woman doesn’t enjoy a man who eats fists full of mayonnaise for sport?

I love going to Kwik Trip and talking with my friend Pablo.  I tell him about my day at work and my cats and my garden and he always says, “I don’t know you, sir.  Please buy something or leave.”  Pablo cracks me up every time.

I have a lot of voices in my head and they’re always tell me to do wicked nasty shit but I tend to listen to the therapist voice because he seems to be the most levelheaded out of all my voices.

If you have a friend that has a fisting fetish, you should probably lend a hand.

Did you know that Bob Marley made music and didn’t just smoke marijuana?  My mind is blown.

I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie on History Channel and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

I was recently watching the TV show “My Strange Addiction”.  There was a woman on who was addicted to breast implants and she had 38KKK breasts and thought they weren’t big enough.  They looked big enough to mebut that’s just my opinion and what do I know.

When you win American Idol you get to meet Ryan Seacrest so essentially you go from being a nobody to a nobody who has met Ryan Seacrest.

They should call nasal congestion “nasal beavers” because it feels like thousands of microscopic beavers crawled up your nose and built a dam.  In other news, allergies suck.

How can girls accomplish anything with their boobs?  If I was a girl I’d stand in the bathroom for hours watching my boobs jiggle as I brushed my teeth.

I think at this point in my life my only hope at achieving fame is by becoming a serial killer and lately I don’t feel opposed to that notion.

Chances are that if you’re a female and have been nice to me then I’ve fallen in love with you.  Sorry about that.

I think I’m byesexual. Every time I fall for someone they run away from me screaming “Goodbye!”

I was in a restaurant and the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told her I wanted coke.  She said, “We don’t have Coke.  Is Pepsi alright?”  I replied, “No, Pepsi is not OK.  I meant “coke” as in cocaine.  Pop is bad for you.”

A recent study reported that if you get a boyfriend or girlfriend’s name tattooed on your body there is a 99.9% chance you will breakup and that tattoo will be branded on your asscheek for the rest of your life.

I found myself watching The Bachelorette this evening and the woman said something along the lines of that all marriage consisted of was walking around, shopping, and entertaining your spouse.  If that’s the case, I don’t want to be married especially not to that vapid idiot.

I’m not saying I’m good at demotivational speaking but guess who talked his personal trainer into eating an entire pizza, dozen hot wings,two orders of chili fries, and 3 pints of beer.

They always taught us in grade school that a good way to remember the cold months is they are the ones that end with a “burr” sound like Septem-burr, Octo-burr, Novem-burr, and Decem-burr.  The other way they taught us how to tell if it was cold outside is to look out a window before going outside.

I always sing along with the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” but sadly no one has ever called me a Space Cowboy or the Gangster of Love.

The best way to find out if someone is Christian is to sneeze in front of them.

I once broke up with a girl because she sounded like a turn signal after we ate at Taco Bell.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Why does hamburger need a helper?  I’ve always thought hamburger did fine on its own.  What about oatmeal getting some help?  How about hummus?

What sort of contest would award Pabst a blue ribbon?

I don’t want a girl with great legs or pretty eyes.  I have legs and eyes.  Give me a girl with money.

Ladies, when talking to men, never read between the lines.  There is nothing there.  Trust me.

According to my dad, coming to a complete stop at stop signs in residential neighborhoods or using a turn signal anywhere causes global warming and he’s now an environmentalist.

I think dubstep and modern pop country were created to keep people from lazily saying that they enjoy every form of music.

I bet in China when they write in English they never use capital letters because they don’t believe in capitalism.

There are now 7 billion people on earth.  If you say that your spouse is “one in a million” that means there are 7000 just like them out there.

I can’t tell if people at the public pool are more impressed with my Speedos or my long-sleeve swimming shirt.

In 2001 if you told me there would be 6 Fast and Furious movies I would’ve laughed in your face and then probably punched you and burned you at the stake for being some sort of psychic witch.

Where is the craziest place you’ve ever practiced abstinence?

I finally narrowed down my doctorate dissertation topic down.  It will be “An Oral History of Matt Damon’s Cameo in the Film Eurotrip”.

If you love something, let it go.  If it doesn’t come back then drunk text the shit out of her.

If you love something, let it go.  If you hate something, stay with it until the resentment boils up and causes you physical ailments and creates a dark cloud of sadness to hang over you.

When I go to a dance club, my signature move is standing against a wall, looking at my phone, and wishing I was anywhere else.

I conducted a recent study. All the people who saw The Hangover 3 at my local theater imitated Borat within 24 hours of seeing the movie.

Donald Trump is an inspiration because he proves that you don’t need a brain, soul, morals, or a sense of reality to make a shit ton of money.

I think I should be a condom model.

I wish I was married so I could have someone there to see me be excited when I recognize someone on a TV show from another TV show.

Did you know that the name “king cobra” is actually short for “OH MY GOD IT’S A FUCKING COBRA!”

When I go to a store and see products advertised with “As Seen on TV” I scoff.  Do you really want me to buy a product that can also be used to describe Jim Belushi?

I dreamt I won the Powerball.  I kept going to work but at the end of the day I flipped off all my co-workers and then I went home to Blowjob Manor(that’s the name of my home because I hired certain ladies to occupy different rooms and do different jobs for me like dusting and vacuuming and cooking).

I got kicked out of my jam band this week.  They found out that I’m just pretending to play guitar.  Oh well, it was a fun 12 years.

Asking if I link any of my other websites to Facebook is like asking if I invite my family over to watch me masturbate.

My Xanga is lacking but my hair looks good.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?

It’s always a tragedy when a child dies unless his dying wish was to make the Xanga front page top blogs.  Screw that, there’s blogs about rape and racism that need to be there, not some dying kid.

They say you lose a lot of calories from running.  I wonder how many calories you lose from running multiple Xanga accounts that are embroiled in Xanga drama.

Sometimes I feel like the Meg Griffin of Xanga and my family.  If by now you haven’t figured out, I have little to no self-confidence. I’ve lost it through years of abuse. I don’t get my hopes up anymore because nothing ever comes about through hoping.  I like to do this anti-comedy self-deprecation comedy thing that’s all the rage right now.

3 out of 4 Xangans suffer from at least one self-diagnosed mental illness.

Instead of learning from mistakes, a lot of people blog about them on Xanga and keep repeating them.

The best part of being revolting to women is that I never have to worry about having children but it does get lonely on Father’s Day.  Thank god for Xanga and strip clubs.

Sometimes I feel like I tricked you into following me and now you’re here against your will.  Sorry about that.