January 17, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 1/16

  So it is cold as hell here.  Strangely I have always thought that Hell was a cold place because of the lack of God's love.  Well this isn't a religious post.  Anyway this nurse was telling me today that it was -37 this morning.  A nearby town hit -42.  Currently it is a few degrees above 0. The cold snap is broken.  I have serious cabin fever.  Well here is the round up.
  
  Victoria Beckham became the newest model for Armani underwear this week.  Honestly that shot looks like a crime scene in an old film noir movie.  So which Beckham is the better model?
  
  Poor Verne Troyer.  He has been reduced to competing on Celebrity Big Brother UK.  In a recent challenge he had to dress as Pooh Bear and eat from a jar of honey.  He complained to the producers but they told him to grin and....BEAR it.  I really feel sorry for the guy.  This is what his career is reduced to.  Did I mention, Coolio is also on that show?
  
  Guess the ass on the right?  You you believe that it belongs to a new star in the Twilight series.  It does so and here she is...
  
  Vanessa Hudgens.  She's going to be in the next Twilight installment.  She has stopped shaving in anticipation for this role because she will be playing a werewolf.  Well I think that is fitting.  I was talking to a teacher friend of mine who was saying that one of the other Twilight books is absolute crap and she saw some 5th graders reading it and asked their parents if they realized what was in the book.  They didn't of course.  I'm not about censoring but parents should use some sense and realize that not all kids can handle different material.  Anyway, her complaint with the book is that everyone gets everything they want.  I asked if the werewolves were sissy vegetarians like the vampires.  She laughed.  How can you take a vegetarian vampire seriously? Oh and I'm not criticizing vegetarianism.  At one point in my life I was vegetarian.  Duh...eat a steak rare, there's your blood content.
  
  I ran into Sophia Bush this week and I had a wardrobe malfunction.  Actually I have no clue why she is shocked.  I just found that picture and thought it would be funny for my "little" joke.
  
  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday....globes...I should have taped Antiques Roadshow just based on this photo of Salma Hayek. 
  
  Here's that douche bag from Twilight, Robert Pattinson.  He's been trying too hard to pick up women with his new found fame.  A few have told a story of his pick-up line and each time it was the same and it didn't win their hearts.  He approached the women and sat next to them and said that if he had a vagina near his elbow, he would lick it all day long.  Why not go up to a girl and ask if $300 is adequate for a night's companionship.  He sucks.  Speaking of sucking, I have a feeling he is going to have to do a lot of sucking to get roles in future movies.
  
  Ricardo Montalbon went off to the great Fantasy Island in the sky this week at age 88.  Now he can spend eternity with Tattoo.  I used to love Fantasy Island...de plane, boss, de plane.  When I heard of his death, I screamed, "KKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!"
  
  In TV news, the FOX drama Prison Break has been canceled.  They have filmed the final episodes which will air in April.  So I'm guessing this series ends one of two ways: they get away to a country that doesn't practice extradition or they get caught and go back to jail.  I have no clue what the show is about other than people getting out of prison.  The Croatian Sensation loves this show, so this is news for you.
  
  Paris Hilton has a new love interest which is funny because her ex, Benji Madden, is said to go into catatonic states when Paris is brought up.  Britney's dad felt sorry for him so he set Benji and Britney up on a date but all that he could talk about was Paris.  Anyway, Paris' new boy-toy is San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito.  He had an off year last year and I predict this next year will be worse.  He'll get asked from over 900 different baseball players and coaches if she wore those crotchless leopard print panties for Barry.  Oh and she lost a camera with hundreds of personal pictures which should read pictures of her tits.  So whoever has her camera, please don't upload those pics to the internet otherwise the internet may collapse upon itself and it would deprive people of my weak attempts at humor.
  
  An ex-boyfriend of Oprah is writing a tell all book about his time dating her.  His name is Randolph and he is dying of cancer so he has taken it upon himself to dig up Oprah's secrets.  He said that when they dated in the 80s, Oprah liked to smoke crack.  I wonder if that is on her Favorite Things list.  When this book gets released, I wonder if Oprah will put it on her book list.
  
  This is Nikki from Rock of Love Bus.  You can find more of her classiness over at her myspace page and her personal website.  Be forewarned that her personal website requires money or at least the section I clicked on did.  Check out her pics in the myspace page and tell me that she is not a national treasure.  This is the woman that did a test tube shot out of another woman's vagina...love is not a strong enough word for what I think of her.
  
  I can't believe Bret Michaels said no to this skank.  Just look at her and how she is trying to win his heart.  National treasure!
  
  This is Minka Kelly.  She is on one of my favorite TV shows, Friday Night Lights.  The season premier was tonight and I watched it after I got off the phone and that show gives me goosebumps.  John Mayer dumped Minka for Jennifer Anniston.  His penis should seriously think of running away.  That was a stupid move.  The way John is going that penis should have ran away a long time ago and should be on cartons of milk.  Eat your cereal with that image in your mind.
  
  Here's a still shot from the movie The Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke.  People are claiming that he got into character illegally for preparation for this movie.  He was supposedly doing steroids and when questioned about it Mickey said, "I behaved like a wrestler."  I wrestled.  I never did steroids.  I became a vegetarian because I wrestled.  Maybe Mickey should have followed me around for research.  Ok...bad idea.  We'd have been thrown in jail after five minutes of research time.
  
  Mickey is now a spokesperon for PETA.  I wish someone had the cojones to fix him. 
  
  This is the last Mickey Rourke pic this week.  This guy's career has been renewed.  He won the golden globe for best actor in a dramatic movie.  He has a role in the next installment of Iron Man.  He is also rumored to be dating Bai Ling.  She's perfect for him.  He's crazy and she has crazy nipples.  I also think she has woken up to worse than his beef jerky face.  So here's my little joke:  What does Mickey Rourke smell like after he has sex?  Pepper spray.
  
  While she was on the red carpet, Megan Fox said she didn't understand why people find her attractive since she is the doppelganger of Alan Alda.  Yes, I am impressed that she knew what the word doppelganger meant.  Who do you think looks better in a G-string?  I know you want to say Alda but just take your time before you answer.
  
  Megan Fox also had her twitter account hacked this week.  You know, forget Alan Alda,but if she dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps, well that is something I could get behind...get it...yeah, I'm lame.

  This next story, I didn't feel comfortable posting the photo.  Apparently someone got a hold of a nude picture Madonna had take in 1979.  The strange thing about the photo is that it is being auctioned but it appeared with a whole set in Playboy in 1985. I don't know if it is the negative or original.  Warning...this pic is NSFL(not safe for life)...you've been warned.
  
  Someone needs to give Kevin Bacon some work.  He lost huge amounts of money to that Bernie Madoff guy.  Hopefully there won't be six degrees of separation from a new movie for Kevin Bacon.  I have one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon; I watched Footloose in the theater.
  
  Kendra Wilkinson admitted to the unthinkable this week.  She said that she cheated on Hugh Hefner.  The reason she cheated was that Hef didn't put out.  He wouldn't even talk to her when they weren't filming their reality show.  She said her vagina needed some attention.  I hope her new husband doesn't ever lose interest in her or isn't an 80 year old man that an only attain erections with the help of a blue pill otherwise she's going to be sneaking out at night.
  
  This photo surfaced this week and people claiming it is Katy Perry.  It's not.  Look at the nose.  Not her nose.  I also can't imagine Katy Perry's bathroom looking so blah.  And where are the Dirty Girl bath products.  It's nice to think but because I now obsess over her, I nose better.
  
  Too...many...sea men...jokes...brain...overloading...Actually Johnny Knoxville was detained at an airport today after a security check found a grenade in his luggage.  It was a prop and Knoxville claims a wardrobe girl put it in his luggage.  Yeah, I have a feeling that will be featured in the next Jackass movie.
  
  Jamie Lynn Spears is getting married.  I can't wait to see the Coors Light cans dragging from her wedding dress or the wedding cake that will be topped with coon tails.  I am also waiting on pins and needles for my invitation which I expect will be written in crayon on an old Walmart receipt.  I presume the reception will be BYOB(bring your own booze) and at the reception instead of throwing the garter and bouquet, Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge will spit their chaw(chewing tobacco) at the single men and women in attendance and let's hope that those that get hit with the spit are related.  Then when Casey and Jamie Lynn take off on the ATV, the family will not throw rice at the newlyweds, NO, they'll throw their old teeth at them.  God...I need to get out of the house.
  
  Howie Mandel was hospitalized while filming his new show, Howie Do It.  He was taken in for a heart condition but his spokespeople were quick to point out that it wasn't a heart attack.  He probably freaked out and had a panic attack because someone shook his hand.  Howie is a major germaphobe.  Have you ever seen Deal or No Deal?  He gives everyone a fist bump because he is afraid of contracting germs from shaking people's hands.  I have sources that say he requested full body condoms for his hospital stay because those places are filled with germs.
  
  Fergie got married.  I hope it was G L A M O R O U S.  They look like they are posing for a Sears wedding section in the catalog.  That dress looks awfully tight and it looks like she would have a hard time using the bathroom while wearing it.  I hope she could hold it in.  Oh and she still claims the photo on the right is of her sweating.  I know that people sweat where they have large amounts of body hair...ew.
  
  David Duchvony showed up at the Golden Globes on Sunday but everyone avoided him and were shunning him.  It's present day Hollywood and not 17th century colonial Massachusetts.  I think everyone in Hollywood has skeletons in their closet and I tend to expose them.
  
  Cindy McCain was approached to be on the next installment of Dancing with the Stars.  She said yes but Senator John has said no and I presume he used his pet name for his wife in saying no.  I bet he said, "Cunt, you ain't goin' on no Dancin' wit da has beens."  Yes, he calls her cunt.  So how did producers try to lure Cindy to do the show?  They offered her an infinite supply of botox and Vicodin.
  
  TOGA TOGA TOGA!  I don't have the heart to tell Chloe Sevigny that she doesn't know how to tie a toga but how can I say that she is wrong.  This reminds me that I still need to see ALL of Brown Bunny. 
  
  Remember Charlotte Church?  I only do because one of my aunts totally adores her.  She had a baby on Sunday.  Church on a Sunday..ha.  Their first child was a girl whom they named Ruby so I was hoping they would name this child, a boy, Onyx like Onyx Blackman from Strangers with Candy but no, they named him Dexter.  Ah...I see Charlotte enjoys the TV show Dexter as well.  This isn't a current photo of Charlotte but for some reason it is a favorite.
  
  Georgie Porgie...Boy George looks like he has been eating everything that comes near his mouth and I think that might have been part of why he is going to jail.  He was sentenced to 15 years today.  Maybe he is just bulking up for that first day in the pokey but then he does like that.  I'm confused.
   
  Beyonce was supposed to sing for the Obamas at the Inauguration for their first dance as President and First Lady.  This was supposed to be a secret but Beyonce started telling everyone that she would be singing at the ball.  Beyonce isn't taking the blame instead she is claiming that it was Sasha Fierce who was telling everyone that Beyonce would be singing.  I think Beyonce needs psychiatric help. 
  
  Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner named their newborn daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth.  To me the name Seraphina Rose sort of sounds like an aging stripper's name that dances on Monday afternoons at a strip club near a truck stop.  How much do you want to bet that they refer to her as Sera?
  
  Bear Grylls and his wife welcomed their third son into the world this week.  They named him Huckleberry Edward Jocelyn.  That kid will be destined to exploring the Mississippi and talking with a slow Southern drawl.  Huckleberry has two older brothers.  The oldest son's name is Jesse and the next is named Marmaduke.  WTF!  I am not making that up.  The two sons will really have to know how to be a survivor when they hit school.  It will be a living hell.
  
  I think Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to get back into shape.  Maybe all that steroid abuse has made his testicles retreat to his upper arms.
  
  The last time we saw Megan Hauserman was on the Charm School reunion show when Sharon Osbourne threw a glass of "wine" in Megan's face and then pulled out Megan's weave.  Well some of your prayers have been answered.  Megan will be getting her own reality series.  VH1 is currently doing a casting call for a show tentatively called Trophy Wife.  They are casting men with a high pedigree and those that have a net worth of more than $1million.  Here's the website.  That show is another sign that the apocalypse is upon us.  Oh and while I am talking about future VH1 series, Kim Kardashian's ex, Ray J, is getting his own series.  I guess Flava Flav found true love so the people at VH1 have decided to go with Ray J.  Here is the site and make sure to look at the girls.  All I can say is that I hope Pit Stains wins.  I hear that when he picks a lady to advance to the next round, he pisses on her.
  
  Amy Winehouse was stunned this week when she saw the giant red orb in the sky sink below the horizon.  She was waving goodbye.  I couldn't find the photographs but people at the island resort where she is vacationing said that she was stealing drinks from people in the bar.  They always warn people not to leave their drink unattended because it may get spiked well in this case if you left it unattended, Amy would have stolen it.
  
  Remember those old CBS specials called Circus of the Stars?  Here we see Amy trying out for the trapeze act on the new installment of Circus of the Crack Addicts.  It's a shame that the show won't be televised but the cameraman sold the camera for crack.
  
  
  

  

  Amy Winehouse has also taken up yoga.  I have been saying this for some time but I really need to start that up too.
  
  Besides being pimped out by her dad to be the rebound girl for Benji Madden, Britney Spears had another horrible restaurant experience this week.  Britney was eating in a Chinese restaurant in LA this week and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel walked in.  They went to Britney's table and said hi and then they left.  Britney said she didn't care and then preceded to order some sesame beef, lemon chicken, mu-shu pork, sweet and sour shrimp, kung pao scallops, cashew chicken, Mongolian beef, egg drop soup, crab rangoon, and egg rolls.  Too bad she was all by herself and dined alone.

  Well that is all for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.

  • 12:45 AM
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