January 24, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 1/23

  This has been an incredible week.  Earlier this week we saw history made and I laughed at people in Washington D.C. who said it was frigid.  It was -45 here last week and this week there were a couple days that shot above freezing albeit briefly.  Today it started warm and then the wind picked up.  Currently it feels like -25.  I guess that would explain that sun dog I saw yesterday.  Sun dog?  Remind me and I'll explain in another post.  Time for some celebrity scandals.
  
  Just so you know, I found all these stories nestled within Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
  
  America...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!?!?!?!?!?!?  What the hell is wrong with us?
  
  Here is Verne Troyer in another competition on Celebrity Big Brother in the UK.  Why don't we have that show here?  I'd rather watch celebs making asses of themselves than the tools that they actually get for Big Brother.  At first I thought this may have been part of a new sex tape but that would be wrong on so many levels.  It's so wrong I think Chris Hansen is preparing to tell Verne to have a seat. 
  
  Wow...remember Val Kilmer?  He has changed. I still think he could be considered a lady killer.  He used to seduce the likes of Cindy Crawford, Elisabeth Shue, and Angelina Jolie.  Now the women are Sara Lee, Little Debbie, and Aunt Jemima.
  
  Tom Cruise is still in Germany pimping out his movie Valkeryie.  I think he is also over there to promote Scientology since Germany doesn't recognize it as an official religion.  Ich liebe Deutschland!  In an interview with the magazine Bild, Tom says that Germany makes the best beer and wieners.  I wonder if he could even name three German beers...Becks, St. Pauli Girl, Hacker Pschorr, Paulaner, Franziskaner, Warsteiner...not that I really drink much.  So Tom likes German wieners?  I'm part German so that makes my wiener the schnitzel.  I think he actually meant to say wurst from which my surname is derived.
  
  It's nice to see that Tila Tequila isn't an attention whore anymore.  Here she is giving her new vampire girlfriend a faux lick.  I think she is trying to blow our minds by expressing her sexuality so publicly.  FAIL!  Just do some nude pics or a sex tape and then maybe we'll talk, but no more reality dating shows...I repeat NO MORE REALITY SHOWS!
  
  Tards have invaded the Sundance Film Festival!  Nick Hogan makes Vanilla Ice and Insane Clown Posse look hardcore.  Then Linda and her 19 year old boyfriend...more on them later and of course Paris Hilton.  You know why they are getting coverage at Sundance?  All the real celebrities were in Washington D.C. this week for the inauguration.  Oh Paris...she walked into a free giveaway room for the people in the movies who normally give the merchandise to charities and she walked out with 30 bags of merchandise.  Yeah, she's pretty sleazy.
  
  Here's a full pic of Linda and her 19 year old boyfriend Charlie Hill.  Say what you will about pedophiles but they have impeccable style.
  
  While Linda is out at the Sundance Film Festival, her ex-husband Hulk Hogan is back in Florida dealing with the poor economy.  The economy is so bad that the Hulkster can't even afford a whole Cadillac.  Maybe he actually just enjoys people gawking at him like he is a circus animal.
  
  No, Paris, you're STDs haven't rotted them off...yet.  An anonymous gentleman has come forward to say that he has a video tape of Paris Hilton.  Apparently it contains 14 hours of her sexual escapades including getting it on at her grandmother's funeral and in the back of a taxi cab.  This may have been what was stolen when her house was robbed not that long ago.  I think the only film I want to see Paris make is a snuff film.
  
  Damn.  Earlier today I posted a link to the Razzie Award nominations and Paris is nominated for this abomination as well as her appearance in Repo: The Genetic Opera.  I have not seen this movie anywhere.  I hope that isn't the only poster they are using to promote this "film" because it looks like something out of a second grade art class.
  
  Steven Tyler...I loathe you.  First you ruined rock and roll for me with your 90s crap.  Every song sounded the same.  Why can't your band go back to drugs and put out quality albums like Toys in the Attic and Aerosmith?  Next you ruin the blues...Honkin' on the Bobo?  WTF!  If I have to hear "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" one more time I am going to go nuts.  Now you have ruined chowder of all kinds for me.  In a recent interview, Steven Tyler said that when they go on tour, the band abstains from sex for the last ten days of the tour so that when they get home they have large amounts of "chowder" for their wives.  Thaks a lot, douche bag.
  
  Selena Gomez, what you're doing should be illegal.  Rumor has it that she is looking for a new boyfriend.  I have my own car so my mom won't have to come pick us up after the movie is finished.  Oh, and I was once on honor roll if you're into brains.  Just don't ever lose the lollipop.
  
  Well it looks like Pete Wentz did some major shopping at the new chain store that is having a clearance sale.  What's it called?  Oh yeah, The I'm an Asshole Store or maybe George Costanza finally opened the Jerk Store but it looks like they are all out of Pete Wentz.  After seeing this photo, Bronx Mowgli is talking with an attorney about getting his papers in order to become an emancipated minor.  Also I hear that Child Protective Services are investigating Pete Wentz because this has to be child abuse.  No child should see their dad wearing Uggs.
  
  Oh Padma.  I can't remember your last name but all I know is that you are on Top Chef and you are quite pretentious when it comes to judging food.  Let's see you cook.  Oh and I know that Padma is really good at talking about Glad products.  Here she is with her 60+year old boyfriend who is the CEO of IMG.  Earlier today I posted a link about a new study that said size mattered...in the size of a bank account.  Apparently women have more orgasms when they are with someone who is wealthy.  Hmmm...this must be their test couple.
  
  WTF is up with Miley Cyrus' fashion sense?  I think I am going to start selling all my old and torn clothes to brain dead lackwits so I can make a mint.  She's wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt.  There is no way in hell that she knows Iron Maiden.  She probably thinks Iron Maiden is some sort of device that you buy at Walmart to make grilled cheese.  I guess that dropping out of school to pursue a career with Disney means you lose your sense of fashion and it is contagious so that your loved ones lose their fashion sense as well. 
  
  Michelle Obama makes the round up because her husband is the biggest celebrity in the world and SHE IS FUCKING RADIANT!  I want to brag to the rest of the world that my first lady is hotter than your first lady but then I remember France's first lady, Carla Bruni.  Hell...Michelle is hotter.
  
  Why, yes, I'd like to see Michelle Obama juggle balls.  Yes, I am evil and yes, I am extremely single.
  
  At least in this photo, Madonna is covering up her enchanted forest and has shaved the armpits.  I apologize for subjecting you to that photo last week but I did give you warning.  You know the good thing about that photo last week was that we can be sure that wasn't photoshopped because who would want to have that.  Oh I just wish Madonna would cover up and realize she is 50.
  
  WOW!  Lily Allen, where did you get that ugly hat?  It makes her look like a mop or maybe something that Snuffleupagus would orgasm.
  
  Lily needs to lay off the sauce.  You know seeing her drunk makes me think.  Being young, rich, and famous is sort of like being a blogger.  You're both drunk 24 hours a day and we both...well that's all I have so far.  Maybe you can help me out.
  
  Why is everyone going gaga for Lady GaGa?  I don't see why she is popular.  She looks like she could appear in an episode of Muppets Gone Wild.  Like that one girl in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, Janice.  Either that or she could pass for Bert if he was a crossdresser.
  
  Here we see Kim Kardashian jumping aboard President Obama's plan to volunteer work.  She volunteered her time to make milkshakes.  Her milkshake brings me to the yard...god has it been that long since that song was out?  Maybe Kim has finally found her calling in life: fast food in spandex and heels.
  
  Kell Osbourne was arrested this week, not for wearing ugly make-up but for beating up a girl who made fun of her fiance.  Kelly reportedly slapped a woman because the woman said her fiance was stupid because he didn't know what an earthquake is.  Kelly sure learned from her mama.  When someone talks smack about a loved one, you go ape shit ballistic and start slappin' hoes.  Honestly, her fiance didn't know what an earthquake was so he deserves some slapping as well.  Kelly made bail and proceeded to enter rehab.
  
  Maybe this isn't really news but I think it is going to really shock people and make them and myself included feel VERY old.  Kelly Kapowski(actually Tiffany Thiesen but I'll always remember her as Kelly) turned 35 this week.  Yes...35!  So when is the Saved by the Bell class reunion?
  
  Now that Katy Perry broke up with her fiance, she has announced that she has taken a vow of celibacy.  Hey, we have something in common.  You know she won't keep this vow but maybe she'll do something that will be so shocking that we'll be forced to take notice.  Here's hoping!
  
  John McCain refuses to let his wife Cindy compete on Dancing with the Stars.  He also refuses to talk to the show's producers.  I can't blame him because who would lower himself to use a woman for a publicity stunt.  That's not something a man of John McCain's stature would sink to...unless it meant winning the presidency because then it would be totally ok.
  
  Joaquin Phoenix crawled out from underneath his cardboard box to host a party in Las Vegas this week.  I feel sorry for those people standing next to him.  The smell looks like it could be quite intense.  Also he appears to be quite crazy and dirty.  I am starting to think that this may all be some strange documentary in the making or an episode of Punk'd on a grand scale.
  
  So now Heidi and Spencer are supporting Obama?  That can't bode well for the president.  Damn!
  
  Spencer got himself into a fisticuffs this week.  He was talking with a guy who had brief appearances on The Hills and the guy talked about breaking up with some character on The Hills and Spencer attacked him unprovoked.  Witnesses claim there was much screaming and a lot of bleeding.  Doesn't that happen on The Hills once a month?
  
  I want to know what party was so desperate that they needed Fran Drescher to show up to create buzz.  God bless her, she's trying to be sexy but she just fails.  At first I thought her flesh colored bra was a nipple so I washed my eyes out with bleach.  That may explain the spelling mistakes so please forgive me, I've yet to regain my sight.
  
  Dolly Parton turned 63 this week although the majority of her body is much, MUCH younger.
  
  Denzel Washington showed up really early for the inauguration.  Maybe he was actually trying to get first in line for a movie role.  He is a registered Republican.  You know how Beyonce was saying how much she loved Obama and was happy he was president...well her and 3 members of her family are registered Republicans.  Sort of interesting little tidbits.
  
  This is Connie Britton.  She really makes me think.  Women are like fine wine; they taste better when aged and give you a headache if you have too many and both are overused in metaphors.  Check her out on Friday Night Lights on Friday nights on NBC.
  
  The girl on the right is Brittany Flickinger.  She won the reality series where Paris Hilton was looking for a new BFF.  Brittany should think of changing her last name because that sort of sounds dirty or possibly something that you could catch from Paris.  Nicky Hilton despises Brittany so now Paris is ditching Brittany.  You know what this means?  Either Paris will have another reality series where she finds a new BFF or Brittany Flickinger will have that same series.  I hope Brittany is on TV some more, she's hotter than Paris.
  
  Ladies...guess whose hot dog stand is open or business or maybe as we say in the 608, guess whose barn door is open so that you may catch a glimpse of his rooster(cock?).  Sorry you can't really see anything.  Maybe I will have to dredge up those old nudes of this guy as an offering.  Oh, it's Brad Pitt.
  
  Britney Spears is being offered $14million for her autobiography.  This won't be that difficult since Britney has kept diaries of everything.  I hope that the book comes out on cd and she speaks it in her British accent.  I really want to see Britney's diaries.  I bet they look like what a kindergartener would write and I also bet they are filled with stickers from Britney's handlers.  This could be really interesting.
  
  I hope you have a nice weekend and that the next four years go smoothly. 

  • 2:14 AM
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