January 31, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 1/30

  
  

  I was going to do this earlier tonight but as I started getting ready I had a horrible bloody nose.  It really put me down.  I felt pretty weak but now I am ready to do some mocking of celebrities.

  
  

  This week Victoria Silverstedt proved that she was the hardest working whore in show business.  Where is my proof?  Well look at the band-aids beneath her knees.  Your honor, I rest my case.

  
  

  Here's a little something for the ladies.  Tom Selleck turned 64 this week.  In unrelated body hair news, Jennifer Anniston said that body hair was unattractive.  If I remember my Magnum P.I., he always got the girl so it couldn't have been that much of a turn off.  I am at a crossroads; do I shave my chest or let it run wild?

  
  

  Speaking of old...Sylvester Stallone looks like his body is catching up to his age.  That thing looks like it needs to be put in a bag labeled beef jerky.

  
  

  Cameron from The Hills is suing MTV because he claims that MTV lured him to the place where Spencer assaulted him and he said that Spencer had a trainer on site giving him tips on how to fight.  I bet the trainer will be edited out for TV broadcast.  If Cameron really wanted to hurt Spencer and MTV he'd just walk up to Heidi Montag and pour water on her circuit board.

  
  

  Paris Hilton is in London and a reporter asked her what she thought of the British Prime Minister.  She replied, "I really like his restaurant.  I ate at his retaurant the other night."  The reporter asked, "Whose restaurant?"  "Gordon Ramsay."  Yeah...Gordon Ramsay is the Prime Minister of Great Britain and I suppose Paris think that Mayor McCheese is an actual elected official.  Well she did think that she was responsible for getting Obama elected because of her videos.  Paris deserves a Nobel Prize for stupidity.

  
  

  While I am talking about the attention whore, are we supposed to be shocked by your outfit?  You have no talent and you're comically unattractive.  So until plastic surgeons start implanting unicorn horns in human foreheads, this is Paris' best option to "shock" us.  Oh and she fired her BFF Brittany Flickinger this week and two days later MTV announced casting calls for another reality series where the winner would be Paris' BFF.  This time they are asking for more "fabulous" men.  Yeah...I'm going to avoid that show.

  
  

  Neil Diamond turned 68 this week.  Neil answered my question about the chest hair.  If someone as cool as Neil Diamond puts out his enchanted forest of hair then so should I.  That coat is also pretty killer.  This guy will be cool and hopefully scientists will discover ways to lengthen a human life therefore he could truly live forever in blue jeans.

  
  

  Some photos of Miley Cyrus surfaced this week that showed her side-boob.  Well I don't want to go to jail so I am posting the cleanest from the set.

  
  

  Here's another Miley Cyrus photo shoot this week.  This can't be legal.  You realize that she is 16.  I feel sorry for that guy in the black cowboy hat.  Now he'll probably have to register.  Oh and the company that did the shoot posted an exclusive photo of Miley with her breast exposed but they put their logo over the "offensive" parts.  SHE'S 16!  When she turns 18 all hell will break loose.

  
  

  Ali Lohan got all tarted up for an art exhibit called The Extraordinary Women Exhibit.  Is she really a woman?  I mean she looks like she could pass for late 20s.  She's 15.  What the hell are her parents thinking?  Oh yeah, they are too busy bickering over who screwed up Lindsay.

  
  

  Here's Dakota Fanning at a premiere.  Can you believe she is just 15?  She has been around forever but at least she doesn't look or act middle-aged like Ali Lohan and Miley Cyrus.

   
  

  So now that Mickey Rourke is getting rave reviews and winning numerous awards for his work in The Wrestler, what would be the next logical career move?  If you said becoming an actual pro-wrestler, well you are as messed up in the head as Mickey.  Yes, he has been talking with one of my favorite wrestlers, Ric Flair, and he has been training him.  At the Screen Actor's Guild Award Show, Mickey called out a WWE wrestler and basically challenged him to a fight.   The next night Mickey was on Larry King and they invited the wrestler, Chris Jericho, to talk about Mickey's challenge.  There was a bunch of macho posturing and eventually Mickey said he wouldn't wrestler but might be interested in a bare knuckle brawl.  The next day one of Mickey's publicists said that Mickey will not be taking part of the mega wrestling event, Wrestlemania.  This is better than soap operas.

  
  

  That girl from Twilight, Kristen Stewart, still looks high in every picture that is taken of her.  Here she is in an airport exiting her flight.  How the hell do you get high on an airplane?  You can't do it in the bathroom.  I mean there isn't any room.  I couldn't fit myself and two flight attendants in there. 
  

  
  

  Seeing NBC has butchered Kath and Kim...I tried to watch it and enjoy it, I really did but the original was so much better.  Now FOX is in the process of remaking Absolutely Fabulous with Kirsten Johnson as one of the leads.  I am absolutely scared and sickened by this.  Is originality in Hollywood dead?

  
  

  Khloe "The Hulk" Kardashian broke up with her boyfriend, Rashad McCants of the Minnesota Timberwolves, this week.  I'm sure plenty of people are telling Khloe not to be upset because there are plenty of fish in the sea.  In Khloe's case, those other fish will most likely end up on a plate in front of her next to an order of garlic mashed potatoes.  By the way...LOVE the photo.

  
  

  JOAQUIN PHOENIX IS FAKING!  I called this!  Joaquin was at the Miss America pageant last weekend and he told a contestant that he was indeed faking this so that his brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, could film the whole thing for a documentary/art project.  He said he really isn't getting into the rap game but they are just doing this for an art project.  However a psychiatrist came out this week and said that Joaquin has experienced an emotional and mental breakdown but that could be part of the act.  Damn!  I was looking forward to his rap album.  Well, now I have a new album to replace the anticipation now that Axl Rose finally released Chinese Democracy. 

   

  

  All week people have been talking trash about Jessica Simpson being fat.  She is not fat.  She is just wearing a horrible outfit.  Mom jeans are not flattering on anyone.  At first when I saw these photos I thought maybe Jessica was auditioning for The Real Trailer Park Wives of Alabama but then I realized it was just another concert.  I think two reasons why people started calling her fat when these photos were released was first, a few days prior Jessica was sued by an exercise video contract for breach of contract.  People automatically thought that must mean she is fat and lazy because she didn't do the video.  NO!  She didn't do the video because on the day of filming she showed up drunk and was unable to do any of the exercises.  The other reason why I think people claimed she was fat in these photos were because of the location of the shots.  She was at the 24th Annual Pembroke Pines, FL Chili Cook-Off.  No, I'm not making that up.  She did headline a chili cook-off.  She isn't fat but her career is almost over.  Anyway that third shot...spectacular view.

  
  

  These are Hugh Hefner's twin 19 year old girlfriends.  They were spotted coming out of a medical marijuana store in Los Angeles.  Hopefully they don't have glaucoma(that might explain how they could fin Hef irresistable), arthritis, or cancer.  They have to have something wrong with them because why else would they be purchasing from a medical marijuana store?  Oh..they're so young.  My thoughts are going out to them.
  

  
  

  Ellen Degeneres turned 51 this week.  That is unbelievable.  I thought she was 40 at most.  She hides that age well.  Maybe her secret to looking so young is that her life is man-free.

  

  Elijah Wood celebrated his 28th birthday this week by reliving his birth.  That is actually very disturbing. 

  

  Brooke Hogan's career is certainly taking off.  She is scheduled to wrestle the son of Ric Flair at the Florida State Fair.  They will be wrestling in a circus tent and there will be alligators and flame throwing midgets.  The only thing missing will be DIGNITY.  Brooke Hogan must have the same manager as Jessica Simpson.  Chili cook-offs and wrestling in a tent at a state fair...they're going places.

  

  Bill Clinton took time out of a golf tournament this week to show us how President Bush will continue to screw us even though he is no longer president.

  

  It looks like a Lisa Frank catalog exploded all over Avril Lavinge.  She suffers from Paris Hilton Disease, acting like you are 12 one minute and then trying to force her "sexiness" on an unsuspecting public the next.  I think Avril should retire to a maple farm...yes, that is a stereotype.

  

  Amy Winehouse is still on vacation.  Maybe she is detoxing so she can play Coachella in style.  Amy went and got herself a new bodyguard.  She looks familiar...I can't put my finger on it...QUEEN LATIFAH!  I also finally figured out who Amy looks like.  She has to be related to Gargamel from The Smurfs.

  

  
  Yeah, he's totally her biological father.
  
  Britney Spears is looking very good and in great shape.  So expect that in a few weeks she will go bat-shit crazy.  I am getting antsy for that If You Seek Amy video.

  Well that is it for this week.  Not my best effort but that might be because I am dizzy from the bloody nose.  Also I think the celebrities weren't out this week because of that ice storm or they are in Florida on the down low for the Super Bowl.  I hope you have an excellent weekend.

  • 2:02 AM
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