February 7, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 2/6

  Another week and more celebrity shenanigans.  I know I said I was going to make an extra entry today but I never got around to it so I figure I will just add it into this post.  Enjoy.
  
  Ricky Gervais from The Office is pissed off at one of his new neighbors in London.  Paris Hilton bought a house near his and he is furious.  Ricky decided to go straight to the top by writing a letter to Barack Obama.
  

  An open letter to Barack Obama.
  Dear Mr President,
  Firstly, congratulations on your historic win. I have never been so behind a candidate for what must be considered the boss of the world.  You seem to be a man of grace and integrity, who would never shirk responsibility in any way.
  I'll get to the point.
  As I'm sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don't have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.
  Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let's cut the "it's a free country" nonsense and come to some agreement.  I propose an exchange.
  This is how it would work. We call them both and tell them that we've found a giant "paparazzi nest", in New York say. (half way home for both of them already)  At first they may be confused that they'd never heard of such a thing before, but the thought of that many photographers in one place will be irresistible.  Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It's fool proof.  This is a covert operation of which Mr Gordon Brown knows nothing. (I've got him working on finding a synthetic fur for The Queen's guards' bearskin hats.)
  Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.
  Thank you,
  Ricky Gervais

  Personally I think Paris should be dropped off in Kazakhstan without a cell phone.  But trading Posh for Paris is sort of like trading a pile of cash for a punch in the face.  Let's hope President Obama is more concerned with the economy.
  
  Even at Suri Cruise's tender age she has perfected her bitch please face.  I have a feeling that Suri is telling Katie, "Hey, mom!  We all know that your relationship with that gay, alien lover is fake so just move on."  Suri is also more intelligent than her mother.
  
  If you remember a few months ago I wrote about how Spencer and Heidi staged their wedding.  It was a huge deal except it wasn't real because they never obtained a marriage license.  A person close to Heidi and Spencer leaked the news that they are planning faking the next major step in their relationship...DIVORCE!  Yes, they plan on faking their way through a divorce on their fake marriage and they plan to make it quite messy.  I have been trying to wrap my head around this logic.  Maybe they aren't planning a fake divorce for attention but for practice because we all know that when The Hills gets canceled, Spencer will just go get himself a new piece.
  
  A photo of Simon Cowell from 1979 has surfaced this week.  He appears to be totally straight.  I can't believe he became famous looking like that but his fame was probably attained because he is a Freemason.
  
  Salma Hayek was on a humanitarian relief mission in Sierra Leone this week.  She was walking through a village and saw a starving child and his mother.  The mother was crying because she couldn't produce milk for her child.  Full of compassion and hotness, Salma whipped out her breasts and fed that child.  Salma's breasts are going to feed and please mankind.  She is the new Mother Theresa.
  
  I forgave Ronnie Wood a long time ago for leaving his wife for a barely legal girl whose probably sucking on his dingis for cash, but I can't forgive him for wearing Uggs.  I bet his barely legal babe makes him wear those so that no other gold-digging Lolita tries to hop on pop.
  
  VH-1 needed a new host for the next installment of Charm School so they called someone they knew who needed work and wouldn't turn them down.  Ricki Lake will be replacing Sharon Osbourne who replaced Monique as host of Charm School.  The girls are going to be from a vast array of the current VH-1 reality series so look out.  I guess it is fitting because the same type of girls would have been on her show ten years ago but with the advent of reality dating shows they all have migrated to VH-1.  I am praying to God that they bring back DJ Lady Tribe for this installment of Charm School.
  
  Renee Zellwegger starred in the 8th highest grossing film this week.  New in Town...I can't believe people actually went to see this.  I have to be honest...I wanted to see it not because it is a chick flick or for Renee but because it is supposedly set in the town where I attended college.  I just wanted to see how they butchered that town on the big screen.  8th highest grossing film...maybe the economy is really bad or maybe this movie is just crap.
  
  Pauly Shore...yes, he's still alive...was in a LA nightclub this week when he ran into Paris Hilton.  He saw her and proceeded to hit on her.  Paris got frustrated and had security escort Pauly outside.  Paul Shore got turned down by a woman at a bar?  Welcome to 1990, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 2000, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09....well you get the picture.  Can you blame Pauly for hitting on Paris?  I mean she does everyone(except Pauly Shore, I guess even Paris has standards).  Getting rejected by Paris Hilton is sort of like getting turned down by the military because they let anyone in.
  
  Nick Hogan has been reissued a driver's license for work related driving only.  Giving him a driver's license is sort of like giving Jeffery Dahmer a set of knives.  I feel sorry for the residents of Florida but then I realized they have nothing to fear because the license is for work related driving and "reality star" isn't exactly work.
  
  Miley Cyrus got in trouble this week for making a racist face.  But there was an Asian guy in the room so that makes it ok, right?  Miley is just offensive in and of herself.  She wrote a blog...yeah, I can't believe she could write either.
  "I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!  In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!  I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way! You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like I've owned up to them and apologized."
  I'm surprised she didn't say, "Me so solly."  I'm also surprised she didn't say, "I'm just a kid" like she does for every other stupid act she does.
  
  
  

  Mickey Rourke was walking from his hotel in Paris when a female fan showed him her wares.  Mickey's got some serious mojo but why does he look so scared?  Suddenly, it seems good to be Rourke.
  
  
  

  Guess the ass!  I heart this actress.  She has transformed me into quite a fan of her work.  Megan Fox.
  
  A photograph was leaked this week showing Michael Phelps taking a hit from the bong.  He was at a party at the University of South Carolina and decided he had to party.  Well he apologized and people forgave him and some sponsors stood by him because what is it...45% of American adults have at one point smoked marijuana.  The sheriff in that particular county is seeking to press charges and launch an investigation(somebody needs to get laid).  Marijuana isn't a performance enhancing drug so that is why Phelps has only been suspended 3 months from the U.S. swimming team.  I hear marijuana tends to slow you down.  Could you imagine how fast he would be without the weed?  Kellogg's canceled their sponsorship of Phelps.  I saw that coming.  The people at Kellogg's are pretty uptight about activities that people deem "fun".  The founder of Kellogg's made cornflakes to cure people and provide a healthy alternative to masturbation...that didn't work.  I guess cornflakes aren't wholesome for stoners.  Speaking of stoners...France, how does it feel to lose a gold medal to a complete stoner?  Please...please...please...Stop crying.  What's with that white flag?  You are surrendering to me?  Why, yes, I will rule your country.  Bring me French First lady Carla Bruni. 
  
  Insiders are saying that Madonna is growing to resent her daughter, Lourdes, for her pending beauty.  The guys Madonna dates keep getting younger and younger so soon Madonna will be dating the same age of guy as Lourdes.  I feel sorry for Lourdes.  I can just imagine in a few years the stories will read that Madonna has stolen her boyfriend again.  I can't see what a young guy would see in Madonna.  She looks like something resurrected by a group of teenagers that found an ancient book in a cemetery and the only way they would survive sex with her is if they wore condoms made of silver.
  
  
  

  Lisa Loeb got married.  Do you remember that E! reality series where she went around looking for a potential husband?  Well it didn't work out.  She married a guy named Roey Hershovitz who is the music supervisor of the Conan O'Brien show.  I really enjoyed Lisa Loeb back in the day.  I can't really say anything bad about her other than her music.  I bet when they have fights, she'll break out the guitar and sing "Stay".
  
  
  

  Lindsay Lohan threw a fit when she was boarding an airplane last weekend.  Before she made it to first class, she was informed that they were filled to capacity and that she would have to sit in coach.  LINDSAY LOHAN DOESN'T FLY COACH!  She's a major movie star.  She was in the 111th highest grossing film of 2007, Georgia Rule.  How many of those mouth breathers accomplished that?
  
  
  

  London received a record amount of snowfall this week.  It was the most snow the city has seen in 18 years.  Lily Allen decided to make the best of it since London basically shut down.  That looks like so much fun and the snow isn't bad either.
  
  Guess the ass.  MTV says I should be going gaga over her but I can't take her bedazzled ass seriously.  Lady Gaga.
  
  I think Kristen Stewart's bikini proves it...she has pot leaf nipples.  She needs help.  Kristen is not that good of an actress.  She sort of reminds me of someone whose name rhymes with Schmidsay Schmohan.  Maybe she is trying to lure Michael Phelps with that bikini.
  
  I had to post an old photo of Joaquin Phoenix because that new look makes me feel nauseous.  Joaquin has sworn that this is not an act.  He also says that he is truly devoted to hip hop.  Maybe he isn't crazy after all.  He does have that crazy hobo look down pat for when his money runs out.
  
  Last week it was announced that a movie studio is planning on remaking the classic film, Bonnie and Clyde.  They also announced that Hilary Duff would be playing Bonnie.  The original Bonnie, Faye Dunaway, came out and said that she wasn't upset with the remake but questioned why they couldn't get a better actress.  Hilary responded this week that she is sure that everything will be ok and her fans will love this role and they don't even know who Faye Dunaway is.  CAT FIGHT!  This is going to get good.
  
  Wow...Dopey the Dwarf is actually looking good.  Actually Jennifer Anniston has been making news but no one knows why.  She was talking about in her next marriage she plans on having a pre-nup which means that Jennifer will probably be slumming for her next husband.  Also this week they announced that Jennifer will be starring in a new movie called Baster.  Hmmm...with all her troubles with men in the past few years, I think the only way Jennifer could have kids at this point is with a turkey baster.
  
  Erykah Badu proved that she was not of this world once again this week.  She gave birth to a daughter and named her Mars Merkaba.  Erykah has two other children, both boys, named Puma Rose and Seven Sirius.  Those kids are going to grow up to be well adjusted adults.
  
  A tape featuring a freak out by Christian Bale on the set of the new Terminator movie was released this week.  Apparently Christian freaked out when the lighting director messed something up on the set.  The producers sent the tape to their insurance company just in case Christian decided to pull out of the movie.  Warning this is part of the tape and it's very graphic.  It's almost as bad as the Bellow Really freak out.
  
  It looks like Carrot Top has given up on prop comictry and has decided to become a warlock.  He is very frightening.  Carrot looks like something out of an Aphex Twin video.
  
  A movie studio announced that it has hired the writer of Tropic Thunder to write a screenplay based on the board game, Candy Land.  My God!  They are officially out of ideas.  I can't remember this game but I am sure that some of you have youngsters and may play this game...what actors do you see playing the different characters?
  
  The mother of the octuplets was on NBC this morning and she looks somewhat like Angelina Jolie and they also share the same views on having children.  Angelina said in a recent interview that she would like to have more children.  Maybe they were separated at birth.
  
  Britney Spears' former manager, Sam Lufti, is suing Britney and her family for breach of contract and libel.  He claims that Britney's parents have been spreading lies about him and that they broke an oral agreement he had with Britney.  He claims that agreement was to work as her manager for 4 years and receive 15% commission.  Britney was "crazy" at the time he claims she gave him the oral agreement.  That won't hold up in court.  Britney has an oral agreement every morning with a side of bacon not to mention all the oral agreements she has given to countless guys over the years.
  
  Britney was photographed drinking two fraps at once this week.  Wouldn't it be easier to smoke crack?  I mean she must be looking for some sort of extra boost.  It sort of reminds me of how in college if I needed to stay up late to do school work I would smoke two cigarettes at the same time....EXTRA BOOST!

  Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.  I am happy that the photo uploader was fixed because I hate sleeping before I get this posted.  Have a good weekend!

  • 1:01 AM
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