February 16, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 2/13

  Yes, it's late.  I guess I have been somewhat depressed as of late.  I spent time with my goddaughter on Friday night which was fun.  She's 4 months old now and full of smiles.  Oh and this may be of interest to Pittsburgh Steeler fans, I pulled a u-turn in the parking lot where they make the Terrible Towels.  Yes, I know people that live near where they make the Terrible Towels in Wisconsin, right across the train tracks and forest of Circus World Museum.  Yesterday I just didn't feel like posting but now I am ready.
  
  I guess I will start with the biggest news of the week.  Before the Grammy Awards, Chris Brown allegedly beat Rihanna.  The injuries that Rihanna suffered have been described as horrific with swollen eyes, split lip, severe bruising, and bite marks.  Rihanna is cooperating with police and Chris Brown has turned himself in but there has been no word as to what started the fight.  There are a couple of stories circulating but Chris Brown says they aren't true.  The first story is that he received a text message from a groupie about a hook-up, Rihanna read the message and stopped the car that she was driving and threw the keys out the window.  The other story is that Chris Brown found out that Rihanna was cheating on him with a rapper that they are trying to promote and this rapper gave Rihanna a sexually transmitted disease and she informed Chris Brown that he may have it as well.  Witnesses have said that Brown beat her with a weapon so he could face some serious jail time.  This is no joke and it was raining in LA that evening but people have said that he beat her with an umbrella...IRONY!  Then the other twist of irony came when it was revealed who the first person was to arrive on the scene and separate them.  Ryan Seacrest....yes, I feel safe knowing that he is roaming the streets and fighting crime.
  
  Ladies, there is some good news to the Chris Brown/ Rihanna scandal.  He changed his Facebook relationship status and is currently listed as single.  Before you start dating him, I would suggest investing in a catcher's mask or a goalie helmet.
  
  Tell me that you wouldn't be upset with your significant other if you saw her kissing that racist Miley Cyrus.(More on that later)
  
  Tommy Chong is so friendly.   I feel like I have a lot to learn from him.  Too bad under this new stimulus bill that will be signed on Tuesday, all American citizens 65 and over are going to be shipped to Madagascar.  Yes, Tommy, I would love a hit.
  
  Salma Hayek has magical breasts.  Maybe that is why people have stopped coming to my site.  THERE IS PROOF!  Her 16 month old speaks three languages, according to Salma.  Her child can speak English, Spanish, and French.  Is there some way that we can bottle her milk and mass produce so that our society might get brighter?  Oh wait...that's part of the stimulus package.
  
  This will be on Maury.  Ray J, star of the the VH-1 reality series For the Love of Ray J, may have impregnated one of the contestants on his dating contest.  Apparently people have seen the contest Monica around and she is pregnant and has told people that it is Ray J's.  That is a first for reality TV.  I think the title of Ray J's next show will be For the Love of Child Support.
  
  Octo-Mom is apparently stalking Angelina Jolie.  Angie says that Octo Mom has even reached out to her for financial support because they both have such big hearts for children.  I think Octo Mom has something large for children but it isn't her heart (please don't guess too hard).  Octo Mom has also set up her own website and is seeking donations.  You know, I'd like to make a donation.  I'd donate my foot in her ass.  That is so irresponsible...14 kids on welfare and social security.  Those kids are going to grow up maladjusted.  And speaking of being maladjusted, I saw the photo of her from her last days of pregnancy and MY EYES!  MY ORGANS!  MY EVERYTHING!  I will never be able to function as a man.  Oh and please remind me never to have 8 kids in one sitting.
  
  Nick Cannon proved this week that he is no longer dependent on Mariah Carey.  He landed Jerry Springer's sloppy seconds and by sloppy I mean crappy job as host of America's Got Talent.  Maybe now Nick can ditch the least that she has him wear.
  
  In legal news, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4billion for the racist picture she took just a few weeks ago.  A group of Asian Americans have banded together and deemed that $4billion would be adequate so that every Asian American may receive $4000 in reimbursement from Miley's horribly racist actions.  The joke's on them, Miley's only worth $3billion.  They might as well have sued for the ownership of the Arctic Circle and Santa's Workshop.  So to prove that she isn't racist, Miley gathered all the Asians she could find at an after Grammy party and took a picture and she didn't make the eyes. 
  
  In response to all this talk of her being racist, Miley Cyrus has said that all she does is part of God's master plan.  So God is responsible for Miley mocking Asians....clever girl.  Maybe God should change his master plan to have Miley move far away and become mute.
  
  Mickey Rourke is now rumored to be dating Courtney Love.  When a reporter asked Mickey about his supposed new love interest, he said that he would rather date a gorilla on a deserted island.  At first I thought that Mickey is gross and into bestiality.  Then I thought about it and would have to agree with Mickey if I were faced with that decision.
  
  Michelle Obama is very upset with how Beyonce has been gushing around Barack.  Funny thing is, Beyonce voted for McCain.  Anyway at the Inauguration Ball, Beyonce went to hug Michelle and Michelle grabbed her hands before the hug could take place and shook them.  I was going to insert a Chris Brown joke here but I think I will take the high road and go with this:  I wonder if First Ladies get any of the executive privileges that the presidents receive, because I wouldn't mind if Beyonce were to "go missing" or "commit suicide".
  
  M.I.A. performed at the Grammys last Sunday even though she was set to deliver her baby.  M.I.A. is quite a trooper.  I like how her dress doesn't quite cover the stretch marks but those are marks of pride.  Oh and she gave birth on Wednesday to a baby boy but no word on what she named him.
  
  Melanie Brown aka Scary Spice finally settled her baby dispute with Eddie Murphy.  He will have to pay Melanie $50,000 a month until baby Iris turns 18.  That means we will see more crappy Eddie Murphy movies...just wait for such classics as The Nutty Professor 3-10 and maybe a few more installments of Dr. Doolittle and Pluto Nash.  I bet right now Eddie is wishing that he stuck with very masculine looking transsexual hookers.
  
  This is Madonna and her new piece, Jesus.  Apparently Madonna says she is dating him because he makes her look forward to her second coming...lame.  Even though he is Jesus, he will have to dip his dingle dangle in holy water to wash off Madonna's taint.
  
  Guess the ass!  Spandex is this girl's best friend.  I give it an A as well.  Kim Kardashian.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies.  In the most recent issue of Playboy, country singer Kenny Chesney claims that he isn't gay.  I bet Peyton Manning is arguing with him over that comment.  He claims he isn't gay because he has slept with hundreds of women.  Yeah, I would brag about that if I was trying to impress a lady.
  
  I bet if I kissed Katy Perry with that beautiful red lipstick and those luscious lips...I would like it.
  
  This is Katrina Derrell.  She is affectionately known as Bikini Girl on American Idol.  She went bikini shopping this week.  Too bad it was staged.  I know that the paparazzi follow me around when I go trying on new speedos and I go modeling them around the store looking as if I am smuggling plums.  Bikini Girl didn't make the final 36 contestants but she has a bright future...in stripping.  Oh and there has been American Idol controversy.  Apparently one of the final 36 contestants was dating a guy in the show's production company so the producers felt that might compromise things so they gave her the boot and they are planning something called a Wild Card so maybe Bikini Girl has a shot or that one guy from Milwaukee who didn't make it...he was good.  God, I am an idiot.
  
  Kate Hudson let everyone know that she had a stripper pole installed in her bathroom.  Why in the bathroom?  That isn't sexy.  I don't even want to think about someone especially Kate grinding on a stripper pole while a guy is sitting on the crapper.  Is there a perverse term for that move?  Sort of like a blumpkin.  The reason she put the pole in her bathroom is for her new but old boyfriend, glutton for pain Owen Wilson.  She drove him to attempt suicide so to make up for she put up a stripper pole in her bathroom. CL-ASS!
  
  Joaquin Phoenix crawled out of his cardboard box to board an airplane to fly to New York City for his appearance on Late Show.  I finally figured out whom he looks like.  There was this guy in my hometown that used to ride a bike all over the place and dig through the trash cans looking for pop cans and if he hasn't scrounging for cans, he was screaming Bible verses and handing out his hand written conspiracy theories newsletter.  That was an excellent read.  Maybe it was Joaquin all along and now he has reverted. 
  
  Henry Rollins turned 48 this week.  He still rocks without the walker.  Just listen to this.
  

  
  Heidi Klum is the host of Germany's Next Top Model and fashion designer Wolfgang Joop said that she was too fat to be a model.  Heidi Klum...too fat...that makes me depressed.  By Joop's logic, I must be the size of a planet.
  
  When I first saw this photo, I thought someone caught up with a member of that biker gang that absconded me in my hometown many years ago.  They were known as The Dykes on Bikes.  I looked closer and figured out it is Harrison Ford.  Strange, he knows the Dykes on Bikes secret hand sign.
  
  Can you believe that Gary Coleman turned 41 this week?  Yes, he did.  He still looks like he could play a teenager on a sitcom but in that character's back story they would have to explain the wrinkles. 
  
  Florence Henderson turned 75 this week.  I don't know anything funny to say because I think she was one of my first crushes because I watched all those Brady Bunch reruns after school during my impressionable years.  I wonder if Alice is still living.
  
  I was going to make a joke about David Beckham blowing a load but this is wrong and here I thought picking your nose was sexy.
  
  Courtney Love was at a fashion show this week and she tried to bring sexy back however she brought some sexy back fat instead.  I have to be honest.  She actually looks good but that is comparing her currently to what she looked like the past few months.
  
  This is Chris Tucker.  On the left is a photo from 2005 and on the right is from last Sunday at the Grammys.  I'm thinking that Chris has been using a nacho cheese based skin moisturizer or maybe those special Mormon undergarments are on a little too tight.
  
  I wish Beth Ditto were my Valentine.  But she has listed herself as bisexual which means that cuts my chances in half.  Well, it wouldn't be the first time a girl said she was lesbian to avoid dating me.  yeah, Valentine's Day is rough for me.
  
  I think Playboy Magazine is up for the Photoshop of the Year Award with this cover.  Aubrey O'Day's skin color...it looks so fake and reminds me of something I threw up.  Playboy sure is going downhill.  Why not?  Everyone is making their own porn so why pay $10 for limited nudity.
  
  Alex Rodriguez aka A-Rod or to Boston fans Gay-Rod, tested positive for steroid use in 2003.  Maybe he has been secreting the steroids to Madonna.  I wonder if steroids are transferable through semen.  I never had sex-ed because I went to Lutheran schools.  I will have to ask that on Yahoo Answers.  Actually, I can't wait for the baseball season.  Spring training is just days away.  I have been thinking of resurrecting my career because for the better part of 2008, I was on steroids and I wonder if they have helped my swing.  Just don't put me in a batting cage against a pitching machine.  That is what ended my career.  I got hit by an errant pitch.  The kid dropped the ball in the machine wrong and it came out like a knuckleball but going 95mph.  I got hit in the hand and broke numerous bones.  When I went to the doctor to have it examined, he said it was broken because I was overweight and not because I got hit by a pitching machine.  Yeah...I'm that fat.
  
  Amy Winehouse is still on vacation in St. Lucia, but sources are now saying it isn't a vacation but an attempt to detox.  She is doing methadone to get herself all those evil drugs that have been plaguing her career.  She isn't taking enough because the other day Amy collapsed and started having seizures due to withdrawal.  Amy was then rushed to the hospital.  I remember my high school days and the sign of a great party was when someone had to be rushed to a party.  Now, I am old and the sign of a great party is if they have a vast selection of chips and dips and beer. 

  I hope you enjoyed but before you go I have this nugget for you...Joaquin Phoenix's appearance on Late Show.  Letterman is priceless in this clip because he had so little to work with but he made it into something so very funny.
  
  Please comment.  I won't whore myself and tell you to recommend.  I hope all of you had a great weekend.

  • 12:07 AM
  • 42 Comments