March 9, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 3/7

  I am way late with this.  I went out to the old haunted bar last night with J and the Croatian Sensation and had a blast.  Just talking with the owner and the bartender made it so memorable.  That bar is like Cheers because they know my name but there aren’t any hayseed bartenders or postal workers on the verge of a killing spree so win some, lose some.  I got home late, checked xanga and tried to read posts and then I crashed on my floor and had cats crawling all over me all morning or at least I think they were cats.  I am trying something new this week.  One story is completely fabricated.  Can you guess which one?  Also, this week’s Round Up is 100% Mickey Rourke free.
  
  Zach Morris and his freaking huge cell phone turned 35 this week.  35?!?!?!? How is that possible?  I see him every day and he is still in high school and only about 17 or 18?  Syndication rules because if they never get older then I never get older.
  
  Then I remember Mark Paul Gosselaar was in NYPD Blue so I watched an old tape of that and he aged somewhat but this is what Zach Morris looks like today.
  
  I now longer have my ice cream cone fetish.  So Vince Vaughn is getting married to some real estate agent.  Who the hell is that desperate for marriage that they would consider marrying Vince Vaughn?  Oh…sorry, Jennifer Anniston.
  
  Here’s a little something for the ladies.  Tom Brady briefly appeared on a balcony probably after enjoying his honeymoon bed with Giselle Bundchen.  Yeah they got married so both of them are of the market.  Anyway Tom is looking pretty out of shape but that is based on his playing fitness.  I guess I would be out of shape as well if I only had one functioning leg.
  
  Here we see Tila Tequila auditioning for a new reality show or maybe she is demonstrating how she got her previous shows.  Actually she is leaving an L.A. Chinese restaurant after dining on the cream of some young guy.  Strangely, you don’t need any reservations if you choose to eat your meal in the alley behind a dumpster.
  
  The Bachelor…how many of you were let down by that crap?  I knew how it ended weeks ago and was actually anxious to see how it played out.  Jason, the douche I mean bachelor, picked Melissa to be the winner and whom he wanted to date but then he brought her on national TV and dumped her.  She called him names and then he brought out the second place chick, Molly, and asked if she wanted to get together and she said yes.  Too bad Jason’s asking her to be his new girlfriend was pretty much staged since he had been cheating on Melissa with Molly for quite some time.  Remember reality shows are taped months prior to the actual airing.  Honestly ABC is probably the puppetmaster and staged all of this.  They need the ratings so what better way to do it then mess with the heart of a little boy…did I mention that Jason has a young son who grew attached to Melissa?   Anyway ABC needs to pull an Old Yeller and put this show out of its misery either that or get a bachelor and contestants that have actual acting ability.  Seriously, Jason’s acting ability and his whole demeanor on that show made Teddy Ruxpin look like Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Sigh…I can’t believe I spent so much time on this crap.
  
  Here’s a little something for the ladies.  That is Simon Baker changing after a game of soccer.  Maybe I shouldn’t say “a little something”.
  
  This is a recent picture of Rihanna.  Rihanna bikini photos can’t be beat (too soon?).  For some reason it doesn’t look like she had the living snot beat out of her by a lunatic boyfriend suffering from roid rage.  More on that later.
  
  Here we see Paris Hilton in deep thought as she eyes up her new boyfriend’s ass.  Given Paris’ history with men maybe she is playing the home edition of Guess the Ass.  I pose a question to you, my dedicated readers:
  What is Paris thinking:  A.  Those jeans are baggy, I wonder how fat his wallet is…or…B.  Is it too early in the relationship to ask him for a Cleveland Steamer (the definition is so clean and technical)?  I’ll let you answer that in your comments. 
  
  The economy is bad and I know it is extremely bad when Paris Hilton suffers.  She took her brand new Pepto Bismal colored Rolls Royce to have a new dashboard installed because factory dashboards suck.  She was going to have a $300,000 diamond encrusted dashboard installed but she couldn’t afford it so she had to have one installed that only cost $150,000.  I can’t budget $40 for a Wisconsin hitch cover for my Blazer.  To truly improve her car, Paris needs to tie herself up in the trunk and drive it over a cliff.  That would help everyone.
  
  Octo-Mom may be actually hitting the big screen and not in porn which I haven’t heard if she has turned down that offer.  Anyway, someone videotaped her giving birth her octuplets and is currently shopping the video all over.  Right now the highest bid is 7 digits.  That is gross, I bet they had to get Eli Roth to film that ordeal.
  
  Be careful, Chris Hanson has to be hiding behind the bushes.  Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend were photographed jogging and Miley was displaying her bikini top.  I wonder if Justin has to register every time he moves or leaves town.  He says he loves Miley but it’s still a felony.  Miley was criticized not only for displaying the goods but also tipping off the paparazzi before they went jogging.  She said she is upset with the overreaction because they were washing his car and just needed to get some supplies so that is why she had a bikini on underneath her clothes.  Miley, you’re the face of DISNEY not Vivid(nsfw).  I feel for Justin, he’s just trying to participate in America’s national past-time, plowing underage girls.  What?  Don’t believe me?  You should have seen some of the stuff Ben Franklin wanted put in the Constitution.
  
  Thome Yorke=GOD!  Yes, I love Radiohead and my love for them is undying after a story surfaced from the Grammy’s involving Miley Cyrus.  Miley claims that Radiohead is one of her musical inspirations although when asked by a radio show host she could only name one of their songs, Creep, a song they RARELY play live anymore since MTV raped the hell out of it.  She went backstage at the Grammy’s and requested to spend time with Radiohead and then pose for pictures.  Thome Yorke replied, “We don’t do that.”  Miley then listed all the other bands she had her pictures taken with that night and Thome slammed the door in her face.  Miley went on to say: “If someone, like, said that, like, ‘I would cry if I met them. I really want to meet them,’ I would freaking, like, run and, like, give them the biggest hug in the world because that’s cool, you know?  But they were like, ‘We don’t really do that.’ I had already texted all my friends! They don’t meet one little kid who would cry and make their life? That’s the reason you do this!” she exclaimed. “The reason that I’m in the business is because I like making people happy and it’s, like, I don’t get people like [Radiohead].”  If she claims to know Radiohead then she wouldn’t have asked for a publicity stunt in the first place.  They even told Kanye West to beat it at the Grammy’s.  Do most kids talk like that?  With all the “likes”?  If I had a kid and that is how they talked it would drive me crazy….hmmm maybe that explains Michael Jackson speaking of whom…
  
  Michael Jackson announced that he would be going on a comeback tour although no dates were announced or locations.  Rumor has it that he is going to refuse to play any shows in the U.S. and this will be concerts in Europe and Asia only.  It looks like Michael made a comeback with plastic surgery.  Do you like the new butt-chin?
  
  Former NFL star and current NFL commentator, Michael Strahan got so jealous of his exgirlfriend that he installed GPS tracking devices in her car.  When she took her car to have the oil changed, one of the workers found them and asked if she wanted them removed.  Michael was displaying stalker-like tendencies because she was cheating on him with some music executive which is why they broke up.  He just wanted to monitor her comings and goings but mostly her comings.  Michael should have just been up front with her and asked this question but he would have to change one word.
  
  M.I.A. gave birth to a son and it was rumored this week that she named him Ickitt but she struck out at those rumors on her myspace by saying it wasn’t true and she didn’t want to gain publicity for naming her child something so ridiculous.  For a second Bronx Mowgli, Audio Science Clayton, and Pilot Inspektor were happy that they might not have the strangest names but then they started crying.
  
  This is Melissa Theuriau.  She is a French newsanchor and journalist.  Is this just a harmless public poolside bj or could her friend have been bitten by a snake and she is sucking out the venom with her butt in the air?  That is a question for the ages but why is he watching the laptop?  I am now considering a move to France.
  
  This is Megan Hauserman.  She is known for posing in Playboy, dating a nerd on Beauty and the Geek, and being on every single VH-1 reality show.  Her gimmick for the reality shows, she only wore bikinis.  Her last VH-1 appearance was on the Charm School reunion where Sharon Osbourne slapped her, threw wine in her face, and pulled out Megan’s weave.  Well Megan is trying to get the last laugh.  She filed lawsuit against Sharon for battery, negligence, and emotional distress.  EMOTIONAL DISTRESS?!?!?!?!?!?!  This was the chick that looked under Brett Michael’s bandanna.  That is emotional distress. 
  
  Shocking news!  Megan Fox faked her split with Brian Green because her photos weren’t selling.  So the brainiac decided to break up with him to generate publicity.  I am devastated but it’s nothing that a pint of ice cream and a Sarah McLachan cd won’t cure.
  
  For the ladies…I am all about pleasing the ladies this week.  Anyway this is Matthew Goode.  He plays Adrian Viedt/Ozymandias in Watchmen.  Apparently some messageboard fanboys have been criticizing his being cast as Viedt.  How did Matthew respond?  He said they could all line up and suck his dick one by one.  You know, Matthew, you shouldn’t threaten some of them with a good time.
  
  This is Malin Ackerman.  She is in Watchmen as well.  Here we see her trying to get out of a car while not wearing any underwear.  That Watchmen movie doesn’t need any more exposure.
  
  Madonna was spotted with Jesus at a gay bar in New York City.  They were dancing and suddenly a Britney Spears song started playing and Madonna freaked out.  Jesus parted the sea of people and Madonna stormed to the DJ booth and demanded that they stop playing Britney.  They obliged and Madonna spent the rest of the night making out with Jesus.  Strange but I thought Madonna was converting to that form of Judaism, Kabbalah.  Oh and when Guy Ritchie was asked about Madonna and Jesus, he referred to her as It.  Maybe he is telling us something about her steroid abuse.
  
  Lou Reed turned 67 this week and he urges all of us to take a walk on the wildside and the girls will sing, “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo”
  
  While it looks like Madonna is leaving Judaism for Jesus, Lindsay is attempting to convert to Judaism for Sam.  She wants to prove her love to Sam by converting to Sam Ronson’s religion.  That’s devotion.  Once Lindsay learns she can’t devour hog or pork, she’ll be bck to shaming herself in the name of Christ.
  
  Lily Allen took photos of herself enjoying a rack of ribs.  I wonder if she could get that whole thing in her mouth at once.  Never have I wanted to eat ribs more than I do now.  Last week she announces she’s a plushy and now it looks like she could be into sploshing or maybe feeding.  That girl is kinky.
  
  Wow…K-Fed is looking huge these days.  Maybe he is beefing up for a tour or maybe it is some deep-seeded emotional problem after he appeared on WWE and they said he was a stick boy so now he is lifting weights like mad to boost his confidence and muscle structure so that he could compete in WWE one day…no, he just eats at Old Country Buffet like a lesbian on speed.
  
  Coming soon to TLC…Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon.  He was visiting his mother in Pennsylvania last weekend and he ended up at a frat party and got very familiar with a few of the girls at the party.  The next night he was spotted drinking quite heavily at a bar and then some of the local college’s volleyball team showed up.  He started dancing with them and grinding on them .  Finally he took this picture with the two team members he left with.  When they left they were all making out with each other.  Can you blame Jon?  Just watch five minutes of their show and you will know why he wants to get drunk and make out with college girls.  You only put up with Kate for five minutes, he has to spend every minute of his day with her.
  
  Dancing with the has beens has suffered a loss.  Jewel hurt her knee in training for the show.  Jewel will be on the first episode to announce that she is dropping out and producers have replaced her with Holly Madison.  At least the got someone who has credibility in giving blow jobs in a parking lot like Jewel did in her early career.  There was another woman that is being replaced on Dancing with the Stars but I have no clue who she is or what she does so maybe that is why I affectionately refer to this show as Dancing with the Has Beens.  Steve Wozniak will win the whole thing.  Anyone who takes a piss while standing on a Segway is a winner in my book.
  
  GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE I won’t say anything about melons because I don’t want to get slapped by Jessica Alba.
  
  David Faustino turned 35 this week as well.  Why are all the child stars of my youth aging so horribly?  Grand Master B, please don’t hurt them and stop getting old.
  

  

  Speaking of aging horribly…MC Hammer did a concert in one of my hometowns a few days ago.  Did you know that M.C. now stands for Move the Crowd?  I didn’t know that until I saw it in a local paper.  This is an actual shot of M.C. Hammer performing at the Kalahari Resort christening their new section of the indoor water park.  You know you are at a low point in your career when you perform for opening night of an indoor water park and a show in Wisconsin Dells is your biggest gig in months.  OK I have to give Wisconsin Dells credit.  It used to be the place where bands got their break.  Cheap Trick, Steve Miller, and Boz Scaggs were all acts that played in the Dells and then got their break into the business.  Now the Dells is where acts go to die. 
  
  Betty White made news this week.  She is suing a beauty saloon or whatever you call them these days.  She went in for a wax, a Brazilian to be exact and well, I don’t know to put this delicately, but they ripped off more than hair.  Betty was hospitalized and is currently in stable condition but her “love life” is in critical condition.
  
  Annalynne McCord is making a triumphant return to the Round Up.  In the first photo she is demonstrating how she got her role on the new 90210.  I doubt that is the case because look at the teeth.  OUCH!  Then in the next photo we see that Annalynne had a mishap with a tanning bed.  Maybe she should sue like Betty White.  Or maybe she just hasn’t had a bukkake session like she is used to because I hear that semen is good for the skin and hair and also lessens the chance of breast cancer.
  
  
  The dark haired cross dressing guy, well he’s Adam Lambert and he is one of the top 12 contestants on this season of American Idol.  I think we have found the candidate for Vote for the Worst.  I remember when that one girl had semi-nude photos released while she was on that show and basically got voted off the next night.  What are these going to do?  I mean he looks like in that first photo that he is barfing rainbows down that other guy’s throat.  No wonder there has been so much sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and the cast this season.
  
  Chris Brown is back with Rihanna, in fact they are so back together that they apparently got married last week while hiding out in Miami at Diddy’s mansion.  Chris has also been working in the studio on his next album.  I wonder what that will be about and if it will actually sell.  I hear that one song will be a cover of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”.  He was arraigned on Friday and is facing two felony counts, one for domestic abuse and the other is for a threat.  When Rihanna got free of the car, he screamed that he was going to kill her.  I hope he gets locked up.  Oh, I refused to post his photos that were taken of him this week frolicking on a jet-ski because he called a paparazzi photo agency to let them know where he would be.  That is sick.
  
  Amy Winehouse finally left St. Lucia after a long vacation*cough cough detox cough*.  So she was sober for a few days and decided to head how for Jolly Old England.  After the plane took off all hell broke loose and Amy started drinking and got quite drunk.  She began running around the plane and screaming at the other passengers who dared to look at her.  I am thinking Amy needs more than detox or rehab; she needs an exorcism. 
  
  Britney Spears’ new tour kicked off this week in near her hometown in New Orleans.  The concert was not a sell-out which she expected because it was her hometown, y’all.  Thankfully her kids didn’t die, there were no fires, and the voices in her head were kept to a minimum thanks to Britney’s new all Cheeto diet.
  
  Here is the official tour t-shirt complete with faux arm tattoos.  I don’t mind the art work on the shirt but those fake tattoo sleeves are really annoying.  I probably wouldn’t use that to wipe the oil off my dipstick and I mean nothing sexual by that.
  
  Britney also had a photo session this week because she is the new spokesmodel for Candies.  She looks so thrilled to be taking those photos.  I wonder when Cheetos will finally land her to be their spokesperson.

  I leave you with a video from last week’s Rock of Love Bus.  I don’t know why but this video cracks me up.

  
  
  Well I hope you weekend is enjoyable thus far.

  • 5:43 PM
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