March 20, 2009

• Advice with the Godfather and his Cock

  Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky has been somewhat exhausted.  He is addicted to basketball tournaments.  He has logged countless hours watching basketball these past couple of weeks and the big dance is set to begin tomorrow.  Cocky has been talking with our bookie about placing some bets.  Another reason why he is exhausted is that we have a new sponsor.

  Me: Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
  Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
  Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
  Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
  Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.

  

  Advice with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:
  
  

  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon. 
  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  You two seem like you are pretty funny guys.  I mean I laugh so hard at your jokes.  Cocky, you are hilarious.  I guess what I getting to is, can you guys give me some jokes.  I am in a high pressure job and I desperately need to be funny.
                                                  Jimmy F. in New York City
  Me: Well, Jimmy, humor isn't something that is acquired overnight.  You have to develop it.
  Cocky: Well then how do you explain yourself?
  Me: OK, Jimmy, my suggestion would be that if you have a job that depends on you telling jokes and you're not funny, well you may want to look for other work.  However here's a joke you may want to try: A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.  A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper in there?"
  Cocky: Oh yes, a Catholic joke.  How funny!  I am surprised you didn't go with a priest and a little boy joke.
  Me: Well, Cocky, what do you have to offer?
  Cocky: One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.  The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.  She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.  An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."  He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."  She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."  And, Jimmy, you aren't funny.  Get off my TV!
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  IT'S MARCH MADNESS BABY!  Who do you have in your brackets winning the Big Dance?  Which Cream Puff Delights will be exiting after the first round?  I can't wait to see some dipsy-doo-dunk-a-roos!  It's AWESOME BABY!
                                                        Richard V. in Connecticut
  Me: Well, Dick, may I call you Dick?  I am quite anxious for this tournament.  I have a few upsets picked.  Look out for North Dakota State and VCU.  As for winning it all, I am leaning toward Memphis or Duke.  I was set to take UNC however Lawson has a sore toe.
  Cocky: I've had many fights with more significant body parts hurt.  One time this big old hen came to get me and I couldn't get up.
  Me: Cocky, what is your take on the tournament.
  Cocky: Well I've narrowed my picks for champion down to  7.  We have the Louisville Cardinals, Kansas Jayhawks, B.C. Eagles, Marquette Golden Eagles, American University Eagles, Temple Owls, and the Purdue Boilermakers. 
  Me: All bird teams.
  Cocky: Damn straight!
  Me: Hey, what about Purdue? The last time I checked a boilermaker wasn't a bird but a shot of whiskey and a beer.
  Cocky: Well, what can I say, I like to drink.
  
  Dear Cocky and Godfather,
  I have a serious problem.  I love my husband but when we make loves it takes him forever to achieve orgasm.  I mean sometimes it takes 30 minutes and other times it is 45 minutes to an hour.  What should I do?
                                                              Worried in Winnentka
  Me: Well some people may suggest playing with testicles or the taint or even talking dirty during love making.  One thing I would suggest is some serious communication.  If it is causing you discomfort, you may want to let him know.  However be delicate.  It could cause some serious hang-ups and your husband could be scarred emotionally.
  Cocky:  Lady, are you serious?  A lot of women would jump at that chance.  Especially if they were working with the Godfather also known as The One Minute Wonder.
  Me: Cocky, I don't see how my profficiency is on trial here.
  Cocky: It's not.  I just love making fun of you sweetheart.  Actually what you want to do is lose some weight or gain some weight if that is his thing.  If he doesn't want to change, you punch him in the throat and kick that guy to the curb. You need a lover that is good, giving, and game and lasts under 5 minutes.
  Me: That's horrible.  You also could take advice from me and try role-playing or costume play.  That tends to spice things up and break monotony.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  OK, there's this girl in my study hall that I really like and I think she really likes me.  I want to ask her to prom but it might not work out.  I don't have my driver's license and I really want to impress her by driving us to the prom.  Should I ask her out and if so what do I do, do I have her drive or my parents?
                                                             Karl in Fairfax
  Me: Karl, if this girl likes you, the she likes you for you and not a piece of plastic that enables you to drive.  If she is a date-worthy girl, let her know the predicament.  Communicate.  I don't see anything wrong with letting her drive.  Parents may be a bring down.
  Cocky: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Karl, you can't take advice on the prom from the Godfather.  He never went to his prom.
  Me: Well, Cocky, that is because my conservative school didn't offer prom.  We had a banquet on a riverboat with the faculty.
  Cocky: And you didn't go to that!
  Me: Well, no, but to attend you had to be a junior or senior or faculty member at my school and no one from the other grades could attend nor could anyone from outside our school.
  Cocky: But you didn't go.  Karl, get your ass down to the DMV yesterday!  Get that license.  A girl won't care if you drive a piece of shit.  All that matters is that you have the car.
  Me: Cocky, that's sort of contradictory coming from you.  I don't think I have ever seen you driving.
  Cocky: Well when I was in high school, I had prom and I took my dates to the after party in my T-Bird.
  Me: Dates?  And you only took them to the after party?
  Cocky:  Yeah, I skipped the prom and took my ladies straight to the after party because that is how I roll.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have a friend that has a blog entirely devoted to her vag!na and I really want to ask her out, but because of this blog I am unsure.  I also have a had time saying the word vag!na or the variations there of.  Don't get me wrong, I have losts of feelings for them, first is sheer adoration.  Like most guys, from emerging from one at a fairly early age I've spent a great deal of time and effort trying to become re-acquainted with them - not the original.  Do you guys have any thoughts? 
                                                            Ham Wallet Lover in Hennepin
  Me: I hope you know that your feelings for that part of the anatomy are normal and healthy for a straight male. Make sure your time and effort are spent romancing the lady attached to said hoo-ha so you have a better shot at going forward with your desires.
  Cocky:  I understand the need to censor yourself when it comes to the vag*na. That is why I always use the good old standard "meat canoe." I recommend to slyly approach that lovely lady you see and introduce yourself politely, followed with the phrase, "Do you have a mirror in your pocket?" If she has already heard that one and answers for you with "Cause you can see yourself in my pants?" Be sure to quickly retort: "No, cause I heard you are doomed if you look at Medusa directly so I want to be ready when I meet your mom." High five the bartender then go home, but not before you stop at the naughty store and pick up some Asian cheerleader porn.

  Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

  

  If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.  Also the first two brackets in my Tournament of Randomocity have been closed.  Thursday at 11:59 CST, the other two brackets will close so make sure you vote. 

  • 5:37 PM
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