March 21, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 3/20

  I am late tonight.  I went to see Watchmen and that is a rather long movie however I didn't seem to notice.  When I got out of the theater I saw it was snowing and sticking.  It was 70 on Tuesday and I had sunburn.  On the way home, the snow was coming down so heavy and thick that the way it was flying at me made me disoriented and I thought I was going backwards.  There is a term for that but I forget.  Oh and my brackets officially suck but I had some of the upsets but not all.  UW beat FSU!  Anyway on to the round up. Oh and no fake stories this week like last time.  I feel so dirty for writing about Betty White getting a Brazilian.
  
  Anorexia is so glamorous.  Victoria Beckham gives me ideas about body shots.  I bet I could fill that neck with four or five shots and go to town.  David wouldn't mind.  He's too busy "hanging out" with Tom Cruise.
  
  LAPD is seeking Tom Sizemore for questioning after a Verizon store reported that they had a theft.  Security footage shows that Sizemore and an accomplice stole many cellphones from the store including phones of employees.  Before they left, Sizemore reached over the counter and stole a pen and a highlighter.  Why would he steal a pen and a highlighter when they cost about 25 cents at Walmart?  He's a junkie.
  
  It looks like Suri Cruise can't see through those bangs which is a good thing because then she can't see all the messed up things going on at home.  For instance the fact that her mother is being forced by her father to undergo a Scientology related "cleansing".  Why can't the U.S. just outlaw that religion like they did in Germany?  Oh and you thought Tom Cruise actually care about Claus von Stauffenberg.  No, he portrayed a German hero so that the government might loosen restrictions on Scientology.  Uh-oh, I have said too much, they may sue me in England.  I should remain anonymous when I talk about Scientology.
  
  Sly Stone turned 66 this week.  He is pretty influential in the music scene and he was a forerunner to Dennis Rodman as far as freakishness is concerned.  It is good to see that Sly is still freaky and I am sure he is thanking you for letting him be himself.
  
  Shauna Sand has a new boyfriend.  He is such a loving boyfriend that decided to pull her bikini top off when he noticed they were being photographed by the paparazzi.  I can just imagine the Barbara Walters interview about how they met.  Dude: One night I was on Adult Friend Finder and saw Shauna's profile and I just had to click.  Shauna: When I saw pics of his cock, I couldn't deny his friend request.
  
  Robert Pattison, one of the vegetarian vampires from Twilight, was overheard complaining that it was impossible for him to get laid in New York City.  Come on!  NYC is home to some of the world's greatest whores and most of them are associated with the New York Yankees.  Maybe the sluts in New York aren't into spiky haired vegetarian pussy vampires like that girl who reported me for harassment here on Xanga.
  
  Rihanna was spotted in New York City last weekend.  She is rumored to be in negotiations to star in the remake of The Bodyguard.  Interesting that she would be chosen to star in a movie about a popstar in need of protection from someone who wants to kill her.  Here we see Rihanna with two bodyguards; one is protecting her from that animal thing around her neck and the other is there to be on the look out for Chris Brown.  When asked about what she thought of Rihanna starring in a possible remake of The Bodyguard this is how Whitney Houston repsonded.
  
  This is Phil Keoghan.  He's the host of The Amazing Race on CBS.  He dropped trou for a recent episode to explain one of the contests that the racers would have to go through.  Here we see him trying to find his fun nuggets since they are in Siberia and he is wearing next to nothing.  I would say, "Here's a little something for the ladies," by living in a cold climate I feel his pain.  Curse you, vas deferens!
  
  So if you have been watching FOX lately or just American Idol you have seen FOX advertise the piss out of a new variety show starring the Osbourne family.  Apparently people aren't thrilled about this show and it may not even air.  The execs at FOX are thinking of pulling the plug before it airs.  That might be a first in TV history.  There have been plenty of shows that have been pulled after one episode so who knows.  Right now the show is scheduled to be an hour long however the first episode is only scheduled to be 40 minutes and American Idol is getting the extra 20.  I think that is a vote of confidence.  All I know is the people at FOX better not piss off Sharon otherwise she may throw a glass of wine in their face and pull out their weaves.
  
  Hey, tax payers, this one is for you.  It seems that OctoMom is getting assistance to help with the sheer irresponsibility...I mean difficulty in raising 14 children.  Well she went to a local store and picked up a single container of diapers and then went to the make-up counter and bought $1000 worth of make-up.  I understand wanting to look presentable.  Hell, from time to time, I even chose to make myself look decent.  This is different.  She has 14 kids and that make-up is on the tax payer's dime.  Why isn't Barney Frank investigating this horrendous shit.
  
  Miley Cyrus hates you and wants you dead.  First she tried to kill your family with her music and now she is trying to kill your family with her line of food.  Some of her peanut butter granola bars have been found to contain salmonella.  Seriously, everything Miley does makes people nauseous. 
  
  Mary Kate Olsen decided to come out from her cardboard box.  Does that mean there will be extra winter?  I look at her and I can't help but think that she is somehow going to be used in the Joaquin Phoenix ruse.  So is her look called "homeless chic"?
  
  Macgyver is soon coming to the big screen.  That's right, they are going to make a Macgyver movie thus giving me ample proof that Hollywood has run out of original ideas.  It's still in the works but there are 3 ways that this movie will work.  Richard Dean Anderson has to play Macgyver.  There needs to be a cameo by Macgruber.  Finally, Patty and Selma need to make a cameo. 
  
  For awhile last weekend it appeared as if Lindsay Lohan's world came crashing down as opposed to any other weekend.  An arrest warrant was issued because she hadn't completed all of her booze education classes.  She told the judge that she had and the warrant was repealed.  She then had a fight with Sam and apparently busted out some windows in Sam's house and police had to separate them.  These are screenshots from Lindsay's twitter.  I love the one that says, "la needs better restaurants".  I think Lindsay is just upset because most L.A. restaurants refuse to serve crack.  God, Twitter is so much fun, why am I not on there?  Oh yeah, XANGA!  My loyalty deserves me being made a top blog and daily featured blog.
  
  Why would a parent let Lindsay Lohan get that close to their baby?  I feel sorry for the poor thing, he'll probably die of alcohol poisoning as well as second hand crack addiction.
  
  Kristen Stewart still looks high in every photo that is taken of her even at the premiere of her latest movie, Adventureland, which I actually want to see because I spent a summer working in an amusement park.  Soon she will begin filming her next movie in which she plays Joan Jett.  I have two bits of advice for her before she starts filming: get off the smack and get some acting lessons.
  
  Kim Kardashian is proving herself to be a slut.  She is deepthroating that lollipop after knowing it for only 5 minutes.  Wow...will lollipops take over my ice cream cone thing...NO!
  
  WOW!  Katy Perry's breasts are so massive that they're shredding her t-shirt.  Actually she looks like she is set to travel in time so she can attend Wrestlemania 3 or a Cyndi Lauper concert or both since Cyndi Lauper spent some time in the WWF...god, I need a girlfriend...anyone out there willing for a 5 to 10 year commitment?
  
  Here we see Katherine Heigl introducing the world to her new boyfriend.  Actually she won an award for her acting...SERIOUSLY!  That 2012 stuff is actually taking place and this is the root cause of the end of the world, someone actually recognized Katherine Heigl for her acting ability.
  
  John Mayer is planning to write a tell-all book about his experience dating Jennifer Anniston.  John is telling his friends that she had a pet name for him whenever they had sex.  She called him "Brad".  I think shark attack victims recover faster than Jennifer has over her break up with Brad Pitt.
  
  Here we see Joe Jonas making those mocking Asian eyes.  I am going to sue him for $4million justl ike waht happened to Miley.  I am sure that he has that sort of money laying around.
  
  This week Jenna Jameson gave birth to twins.  Doctors were shocked at the ease of the childbirth and how fast the babies exited.  She had twins and they were named Jesse and Journey Jett.  Hmmm...Facial DP or High Life T-Bird must have been taken.  Journey Jett has a career chosen for her.  Whenever she strips, she will be able to strip to Don't Stop Believing...yes, I have heard that song at a gentlemen's club.
  
  After seeing the photo where he was sleeping during a lecture at Columbia, James Franco donned the glasses to look more studious.  I am also thinking that maybe he is auditioning to play Peter Parker in the next Spiderman movie.  The resemblance is uncanny.
  
  Alex Rodriguez was interviewed by Details magazine and he also did a photo layout.  He didn't do a good job in his attempt to appear straight.  He also talked about steroids and tried to make everything clear.  I guess the reason why he was dating Madonna was because the steroids obscured his rational thought process.  I think they are still being affected because why would a grown man kiss his reflection?  Baseball season is upon us...let the Yankee hating commence!  Sweet Lord, I hate the Yankees!
  
  Hey, Jimmy Fallon took the advice that cocky and I gave him.  He did something funny.  I'm not praising his show.  I am praising the only things that I admire in Jimmy Fallon; he's a Red Sox fan and he hates the Yankees.
  
  I have been waiting for a movie adaptation for years.  They better not mess this one up or the eventual remake in 6 months after this one is released.
  
  Here is something for the ladies.  Harry Connick Junior(cheeseburger) hasn't been working out.  I guess sitting at a piano all day and having to star in movies alongside Renee Zellwegger would drive a guy to drinking because let's face it, that's a beer belly.  Mine looks similar although much larger.  I am packing a keg.  I have much respect for his musical ability but none for his acting.  New in Town sucked.
  
  Erik Estrada turned 60 this week.  It's hard to believe that Ponch is 60 and hasn't done much since C.Hi.P.s.  He shares his birthday with Brooke Burns, Dane Cook, Flava Flav, Chuck Woolery, and Jerry Lewis.  You would think any of those people could give him work.  This economy really sucks.  I wonder if he is going to be in the C.Hi.P.s movie.
  
  Alyson Hannigan, probably best known for her roles in the American Pie series, makes pregnancy look so cute but then I think every pregnant woman is beautiful.  Yes, I have issues.  Anyway Alyson looks like she is due any day now. 
  
  Brooke Hogan had her phone hacked and some of her family's phone numbers became public.  Her number and her brother's have been changed.  However at last word, the Hulkster's number hadn't been changed.  Of course I haven't tried this but his number is(was?)727-215-4037.  Good luck when calling him.  He and his 24 inch pythons might just run wild all over you, brother!
   
  
  Brooke Hogan performed at a festival in Miami this week.  Someone decided that a stripper pole should be placed in the center of the stage.  Brooke took to it without second guessing herself.  I think she has finally found her true calling in life.  The only bad thing about her performance was that the Hulkster was there.  He is such a creepy dad.  I guess it wouldn't have been that wrong that he was there and she was fully clothed but what won him the creepy dad of the year award was that he threw dollar bills on stage while she was "performing".
  
  Don Imus the radio show host, Marlboro Man lookalike and racist announced on his radio/tv show that he has prostrate cancer.  He said he got the cancer because of all the stress that he has been under but I think it's because he is a massive prick.  Look for Imus' radio show on TV on RFD-TV, Rural America's most important network.  Imus' show falls between the John Deere toy collector show and the live cattle auctions...I'm not even joking about that.
  
  The goddess that is known as Coco turned 30 this week.  I can't believe that Coco is older than me...well not the majority of her body but at least a little bit is older than me.
  
  Charlie Sheen is the father of twins.  Take that Denise Richards, who wanted to keep his sperm on ice for her own evil gain.  Charlie and his wife welcomed twin boys into the world and they named them Bob and Max.  That pretty boring for celebrity children names.  Oh well, they may grow up to be well adjusted...who am I kidding?  There father is Charlie Sheen, who has reportedly been cheating on his wife with hookers...always with the hookers.  Way to stay classy, Charlie!
  
  In an interview this week, Bono complained about being overnourished and overpaid.  He also said how much he detested online file sharing of his music.  So, Irish Jesus, I have some ways you can remedy that.  First, stop eating and send all your food to Africa.  You tell me to feed the African nations so maybe you should practice what you preach.  Next, if you are overpaid maybe you should give your money to the African nations OR better yet you could financially support the people of your homeland and adoptive homeland because our economy sucks.  Ok so let me put 2 and 2 together here...you hate being overpaid and you hate people sharing your music.  My last idea is revolutionary and could kill two birds with one stone...GIVE ALL YOUR ALBUMS AWAY FOR FREE.  Just have a day where anyone who wants U2 music to show up at a music store and they just are given your cds at no charge.  There I've solved all your problems.  You are trying to solve all the world's ills and you can't even solve yours. 
  
  Bob Barker has an autobiography that is set to be released soon.  I am anxious to read it because of one thing that has been leaked.  Bob got into the business by being what he describes as a "beefcake model".  He posed for photos advertising beaches and businesses near beaches. Well one day a film maker saw his ads and offered Bob a job in the movies.  Those movies weren't just any movies, they were porn movies and of ALL varieties.  Bob had to turn him down after much deliberation and then he eventually made it to the Price is Right.  Who could have guessed that the gentle old man who wants me to spay and neuter my pets and gave me Plinko was offered to do porn?
  
  I decided against using the Fish because I adore this photo of Amy Winehouse.  She's adjusting her "crack rocks".  She had to go to court this week to answer for charges of assault.  She pleaded not guilty.  She didn't finish her plea which should have been by reason of insanity.  I am sure any jury would declare her innocent because she was nuts.
  
  Rihanna is once again with Chris Brown but why?  He beat her and threatened to kill her.  Then while she was recovering in the hospital, he was vacationing at Diddy's mansion in Miami.  Well the reason she went back to him boils down to two words: SEX TAPE.  That's right there is an alleged tape of them doing the nasty in Chris' possesion.  Not only did he threaten to kill Rihanna, he threatened to release the tape.  For some reason, I think he will still release it because in convoluted woman-beater logic he may think that it will win back his fans if they see his massive dick.  OK, Chris, just because you act like a giant dick, it doesn't mean you have a large penis.  See stories like that are why I delete all my pictures and also why you should too.
  
  Upper Deck and American Idol announced that they are releasing a line of American Idol trading cards.  The cards will come in packs of 6 and a limited number of the cards will be autographed.  The good thing about all of Paula Abdul's cards is that they serve a dual purpose.  They can be cut up and snorted because she is so full of coke.
  
  A memo was supposedly released earlier this week declaring that these four contestants would be the final four on American Idol and that is why they have the judges save.  However the girl with the pink hair was eliminated this week after a botched attempt at singing Dolly Parton.  You can sort of tell they changed their minds about letting her go.  Come on, that show is so fixed.  Asking if it is is like asking if Ryan Seacrest is gay or has tried auto-felatio because whenever I see him that is what he screams.
  
  I am thinking this guy, Adam Lambert the cross-dressing American Idol contestant, should be the candidate for Vote for the Worst.  He sang a middle eastern version of the Johnny Cash classic "Ring of Fire".  I can't believe the corpse of Johnny Cash didn't resurrect itself and get on stage and beat Lambert's ass.  I don't know how much more of American Idol I can tolerate...but I will continue watching because it's like a car accident and there is so much sexual tension between Simon, Seacrest, and Randy.
  
  Dora the Explora(that's what I think it should be) got a makeover and moms everywhere were in an uproar.  They claim she looks like a street walker.  Hey, I've been to St. Paul and she looks like nothing Frogtown has to offer(St. Paul, MN posts the photos of people arrested in connection to prostitution).  I think Dora just lost her baby fat.  I think we should just wait and see what becomes of her because it is too early to determine when those slutty Myspace photos will leak. 
  
  This is Patty O'Green.  She was on Rainbow Brite.  She was Irish and loved everything that is green: booze, weed, money, and partying.  Did you ever notice that she has band aids on her knees?  Way to take one for the team!  I hope that everyone had a safe and happy St. Patty's Day and that you didn't need any band aids.  I am also curious if any of my Catholic Italian friends celebrated St. Joseph's Day.

  Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed and aren't going to report me.  I'll try to get the next round in my Tournament of Randomocity posted tomorrow...wait...today.

  • 4:48 AM
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