April 2, 2009

• Advice with the Godfather and his Cock

  It's time for another session of advice from myself and Cocky.  We decided to come back after a brief hiatus although I think I alienated my female readership with a lame April Fool's Day prank.

  Me: Cocky, have you ever pulled any pranks?
  Cocky: DAMN STRAIGHT, MAN!
  Me: Really?  I'd love to hear about it.
  Cocky:  ONE MORNING I DIDN'T CROW AT THE SUN AND THE HENS DIDN'T WAKE UP!
  Me: That's your prank?
  Cocky: WELL THE PRANK WAS WHEN THEY FELT ME ENTER THEIR HEN HOUSE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
  Me: Cocky, you are reprehensible.  By the way, why are you screaming at me?
  Cocky:  THE NEW SPONSORS SENT OVER THE PRODUCT AND I AM AMPED UP!

  Advice with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

  

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  Me: Cocky are you ready?
  Cocky:  Yeah I am pretty mellow.  I got a hold of some of your dad's eye medicine and all is good, man.
  Me: Cocky, I need you to perk up a little for this column.  Take a sip of some Rooster Booster.
  Cocky: SHIT THAT IS the stuff...yeah, I'm cocked, locked and ready to unload some advice.

  

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  So my neighbor is the president of the Home Owners Association and is on a power trip. He likes to rant and rave about stupid shit and makes me want to stick a pen in my jugular. How do I avoid HOA president or make him scared to talk to me? Any suggestions? By the way, he is a misogynistic prick who obviously is lacking self esteem to be in a position without pay and take it so seriously.
                                             Suzanne in Suburbia
  Me: It's always hard dealing with difficult people.  Have you ever had to handle a cock that has had too much whiskey?  Thank god, we got new sponsors. Politely tell him that you do not share his views and are offended by his misogynistic comments.  You should not worry about offending him with your comments since misogyny is an archaic thought process and dead attitude.
  Cocky:  Suzanne, here's what you do.  Put up a chicken coop in your front yard.  Paint it pink and put it on wheels so it is easily movable.  When the president comes knocking on your door to spew his woman hate, dump a bucket of melted marshmallows on him and then follow that with a bucket of bird seed.  Your chickens will descend upon him and his screams will be drowned out by your and your neighbor's laughter.  Your trial should be speedy.  The defense will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are insane since you took the advice from an advice column that is co-authored by a cock.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Recently we have had some bad weather.  Now the weather has been bad but the weathermen said that we had a 100% chance of being hit with 10 inches of snow.  We just received a few inches of snow but I went out and bought extra groceries because they were predicting that the ice with the snow could knock out power and make travel impossible.  I shouldn't bitch but 100% chance and nothing major happened?  Why don't weathermen just admit that they put a map of the U.S. on the wall and throw darts at it?
                                           Kurt in Kickapoo
  Me: Well, Kurt, I know it can be annoying to have a weatherman let you down when you are prepared, but thank goodness you were not affected. It's good to look at this glass as half full.
  Cocky: A half glass full of Fighting Cock...actually, Kurt, I haven't believed the weathermen on TV since I saw these larger boned women prancing around announcing that the weather would be raining men.  Those Weathergirls constantly were saying, "Hallelujah!  It's raining men!"  I poked my head out of the coop and saw nothing.  It's like former President Bush said, "Fool me once, shame on me... won't get fooled again.."
  Me: Hey, Cocky, doesn't that feel great to say...FORMER President Bush?
  Cocky: Oh yeah!  He fucked up the country so now he can sit back at Crawford and relax with a bowl of Cheetos Cheese Puffs because we all know that when he sees Rold Gold Pretzels he shivers and rolls up into a fetal position.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am back in the dating game. I was fixed 25 years ago, and have not had to don cover in decades. I walked into a drug store the other day, and was blown away by the selection of condoms. hat's the difference, and do they still work the same way?
                                            Snipped in Soldiers Grove
  Me: Wow, I don't know how to handle this question because I, myself, am not a member of the "Neutral Milk Hotel" club.  I have debated that but decided against it.  Since I was in a vow of celibacy I was out of the condom game as well.  I have been told to stay away from the lambskin.  Wish I could help you better.
  Cocky:  You just HAD to say "BLOWN away" huh, funny man. I'll take care of the jokes thank you very much. I, of course, cannot relate. I have no need for such sheaths of insecurity as I don't worry too much about getting anything to make it shrivel and whatnot. I may start a new line of condoms as novelties for my ilk, however. Possibly... hmm. PECKERS. The shit part is I would probably tear them up trying to get them on. Talons and beaks are not friends to condoms.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  You two seem to get along so well.  How do you keep your relationship so exciting and vital?
                                            Curious in Cazenovia
  Me: Well we do have an exciting relationship.  We always seem to find ourselves in new adventures.  I think the reason we get into more trouble than those Duke boys from the Dukes of Hazzard is that on occasion I allow Cocky to lead me around.
  Cocky:  I lead you around?  If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't go anywhere.  I am the brains in the operation.  You know what I like to do for fun to keep things exciting?  I like to drink copious amounts of whiskey and watch him try to handle me. 

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I hate Celine Dion.  I don't need to explain that.  What I do need an explanation for is, why does it look like she just got off a horse?
                                             Celine Hater in Hortonville
  Me:  It must be because Celine works long hours in Las Vegas.  Long hours can be quite taxing on the body.  That is an astute observation because now whenever I see Celine Dion, I am going to examine her walk.
  Cocky: Let's just say that during the Godfather's hiatus I found myself on a little Las Vegas vacation.  I was helping Pam Anderson protest Kentucky Fried Chicken...it's horrible, people...and I ran into some strange woman with a French accent and one thing leads to another.  After I am done with her, how do you expect her to walk?  I dumped her ass when she started talking about how her heart would go on.

  OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the advice I dispense with my cock.

  

  Oh and make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  It's down to the Sweet Sixteen.  Polls will close Saturday evening.  Oh and I feel like giving a prize for anyone who can spot a connection with the names of four of the five question-askers but I have no clue what to give.

  • 2:45 PM
  • 17 Comments