April 9, 2009

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

     It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions.  I am happy to see that after last week's alienation of my female fans, I seem to have their approval of my last post. 

    Me: Cocky, what did you think of my last post?
    Cocky: Well it was OK.
    Me: Just OK?
    Cocky: It wasn't like you were strutting around displaying your tail feathers.
    Me: Well I don't have any tail feathers to display.
    Cocky: That's right the doctors removed those when you were born
    Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.

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    Me: Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to dispense my knowledge amongst other things.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My two great passions in life are art and science. These are supposedly very divergent fields of human endeavor, but I personally do not think so; I think they are quite complimentary. And yet, the kind of people who gravitate towards these two areas tend to be completely at odds with each other. Now, I have dated an atheistic intellectual as well as a free spirited artistic type and both seemed doomed by design. What kind of "type" might a person like me be searching for, if any?
                                                Dateless in DeSoto
    Me: Depending on how passionate you are towards either medium as well as the person you are dating will determine your compatibility. Now, when you say doomed, I take it that either you or that person have let the polarizing differences take over your relationship. It's important to hold onto your beliefs and passions but be able to understand that differences are to be expected in a relationship. As long as you enjoy each other on other levels and are friends first, it doesn't matter what type you find because love truly does end up conquering all.
    Cocky: I'm glad you touched on an important danger that will consume the world soon. Artists and Scientists are at odds with each other and a war is looming on the horizon. Beakers will be thrown, canvases flung... the bloodshed and carnage will be overwhelming. All that will be left will be us fowl to peck at the remaining bodies for sustenance as... *ahem.* I say date a Day dancing stripper. They are needy for attention and tend to try anything once.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Are you single? Because I think I love you. I know, that's so wrong, but love conquers all, no?
                                              Curious in Cashton
    Me: Love does conquer all except stage four cooties.
    Cocky: I tend to make a lot of noise in the morning, that's not an issue is it? If not, I should have my own facebook page soon, so.. you know.. you got a car? I don't. Uh... we'll talk more later.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Why do you need a cock to help you out?  Are you always going to call this column Advice with the Godfather and his Cock?
                                             Stupid in Sparta
    Me: What guy doesn't need a cock to help him out of a tough situation?  I did alter the title a little bit because we don't dispense just advice.  I answer questions of all sorts.  What name would you have us go by?  I mean, Hall and Oates is already taken.
    Cocky: How about we start going by Cocky and Tubbs as a tribute to Miami Vice?  I mean the Godfather is a tub of lard so his name is fitting.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    As part of my work, I wear a very sharp celice. Modesty forbids telling you where I apply it, but I'm beginning to enjoy it. Does this make me a bad person and can you advise me how to take away the pain but keep the swelling please?
                                             Modest in Melvina
    Me: Some people have very interesting jobs that include inflicting pain on themselves for example watch any episode of According to Jim.  Some high strength Advil will help with the pain, but be sure it doesn't have an anti-inflammatory to avoid, uh.. what you find to be the benefits.
    Cocky: Why do I get the feeling that "Modesty" is a 7 foot tall German sadomasochist with a gimp outfit and clown mask telling you what to do with a cat o' nine tails? Why would he forbid you to tell me where you where that thing? Swelling includes pain. You can't have love without hate ya' wacko.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My boyfriend's iPod seems to have gone to the crapper.  Not literally but it doesn't work anymore.  Any suggestions?
                                             Frustrated Girl in Fountain City
    Me: From what I hear that happens from time to time.  I think they make computers to last only a certain period of time and then you have to replace it, sort of like a car.  At least your boyfriend didn't get a Zune. Go to the iTunes store and do an iPod reading and see if that works.  If it reads it go to restore default settings.  If that doesn't work, he probably has a defective iPod or a corrupted mp3.
    Cocky: Are you sure his iPod DIDN'T really go to the crapper? I hear that's how this little Nano's are born. Anywho, the only way to get the iPod working again is to present Steve Jobs with a sacrificial offering. Do NOT even think about using a chicken.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Who do you have winning in baseball this season?
                                              Baseball Fan in Beaver Dam
    Me: Well here's how I have it.  Red Sox will win the AL East, Twins will win the AL Central, the Angels will win the AL West and the Yankees will take the Wild Card.  Then in the NL East I see the Mets, Cubs will take the Central, the Dodgers will take the West and the Phillies will win the Wild Card.  I see a Red Sox and Dodgers World Series and the Red Sox being victorious.
    Cocky: You have it all wrong.  Baltimore will win the AL East, Cleveland will win the Central, and the A's will take the West and Toronto will win the Wild Card.  In the NL I see Atlanta winning the East, St. Louis winning the Central, and San Diego taking the West. Of course the Cubs will make the playoffs as the wild card but will be swept in the first round.  My World Series will feature Baltimore versus St. Louis with St. Louis winning.
    Me: Do you even watch baseball or pay attention?  Baltimore...Toronto...how can you pick those teams?
    Cocky:  Orioles and Blue Jays...I support my own.
    Me: Yes, how foolish of me.

    OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

    Oh and make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  We are down to the Elite Eight.  Polls will close on Saturday evening
    Nobody got the connection in the question asker's names last week so I kept the same theme alive this week.

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