April 11, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 4/10

  Another week has come and it is time for a celebrity round up.  Stay tuned at the end for some news about a special entry.
  
  Women the world over were quite upset this week when Viggo Mortensen announced his retirement from dick flashing..I mean acting.  Women were upset that they would not be able to see his junk in almost every movie he makes.  Viggo went on to say that he was planning on quitting acting for the music world in particular rap.  He then said APRIL FOOLS!  I knew it all along.  There can be only one Joaquin Phoenix. 
  
  Suri Cruise continues to be the hardest working child in the world.  Tom wants her to be the best at everything so it is rumored that he is spending upwards of $1million on lessons of all sorts for her each year.  She is learning French, Spanish, ballet, tap dance, modern dance, gymnastics, and soccer.  Does she have time to be a kid or even go to the bathroom?  In about ten years Suri will break down and need therapy and mind altering pills…take that L. Ron, you glib bastard!
  
  Do you remember this guy?  If not, he’s Sinbad.  It seems like years ago he was really popular.  Well he’s popular with the state of California.  They put him on a list of the biggest tax evaders.  See, Sinbad owes the state $2.5 million in back taxes.  You that is sad.  Sinbad has made enough money to owe $2.5million…FML.  Oh and WELS people, he was one of those big church donators but backed out due to economic problems.  Thanks, Sinbad!
  
  A paparazzi snuck onto the set of Iron Man 2 and photographed Robert Downey Jr. sashaying.  I think he stole those shoes from Tom Cruise’s closet.  Man, it didn’t take long for them to start filming that sequel. 
  
  Thank god, Ricki Lake has found a job after all these years!  She is hosting the third installment of Charm School.  Wait, there’s no DJ Lady Tribe?!?!?!?!  Hopefully Ricki will teach the ladies that they should drink shots out of other lady’s vaginae(I believe that is the actual plural form at least in the Latin).  You can read more about Charm School here.
   
  Pink and Carey Hart are back together.  They broke up last year and apparently he never got over her and even shot a cameo for Pink’s song about their break-up.  Well it appears that he is back to shooting something for her. Now that they are back together, who will Lindsay Lohan date after Sam?  More on that later.
  
  Earlier this week, Bill Murray was enjoying a dinner with five of his six sons.  He left the table and headed for the bar when he spotted a Scarlett Johansson lookalike.  Apparently Lost in Translation affected him as well.  He was hitting on the girl but his sons grew restless at the table so he took them and left.  How awful, cockblocked by his own kids.
  
  Billy Corgan showed up with Tila Tequila for the A-List Awards on Bravo.  Apparently they are dating.  WTF!  I think he looks as confused as I am about that unholy union.  Maybe he was just expecting a massage.  Thank god this may mean no more sub-par reality shows.
  
  Without Anna Nicole, what does Bobby Trendy have left to live for?  Oh yeah!  Lady Gaga!  Here is Bobby emulating her fashion style.  You know…when a lot of people hear the term gay marriage, I bet this is what they picture.
  
  You know when I first saw this photo, I thought it was Robin Williams.  No, it’s actually what Bono looks like without his sunglasses.  So what is Bono doing?  Is he trying to determine the shrinkage factor or is he trying to dig out that cursed Nobel Peace Prize?
  
  Rumor has it that Brad Pitt has moved out of his house with Angelina Jolie and that their relationship is over.  Brad is also allegedly trying to get custody of all six of their children.  This story has to be false because what guy in their right mind would want sole custody of six kids when three aren’t even his. 
  
  Here’s a little something for the steroid freaks.  Carrot Top appeared at the Country Music Awards last weekend.  I have yet to figure out his connection to country music.  Maybe he is trying to be the poor man’s prop comic/steroid addicted/ Larry the Cable Guy.
  
  
  BAM!  Guess the ass!  Side out, Kim Kardashian, advantage, Serena Williams…..LOVE!  Oh, it’s Serena Williams, I suck at tennis jargon.
  
  So Fall Out Boy is back touring and Pete Wentz was living it up while Ashlee was at home taking care of Bronx Mowgli and Twittering about how much she loved staying home.  Maybe Ashlee was happy to see him out and about and living with strippers instead of locking himself in their bathroom and doing god knows what with his eyeliner and flat iron.
  
  Since Lent is over, here’s a Mickey Rourke story.  Bai Ling denied that she and Mickey were an item.  Man, that is harsh.  She usually admits to screwing everything but the kitchen sink.  Maybe she was put off by Mickey’s appearance at Wrestlemania.  I wish I could get that footage but it was a Pay Per View.  Bai Ling went on to say that she wouldn’t have sex with Rourke because she isn’t a whore.  So what do you call a topless masseuse?
  
  Courtney Love was spotted running around Beverly Hills this week going from bank to bank and screaming, “Where’s my money?”  Apparently she is broke and is facing foreclosure on her numerous properties.  Hey, Courtney, I know where your money went…in your veins and up your nose.
  
  Demi Moore’s children are embarrassed by their mother.  They want her to grow up because of her recent actions on Twitter such as posting a fake suicide attempt and allowing Ashton to post a photo of her ass on the site.  You know, I have had my issues with Ashton Kutcher in the past but those kids should be thankful that she married someone with a sense of humor.  She could have married Dane Cook and the only humor he has is stolen.
  
  Farah Fawcett was hospitalized earlier this week because of a flare up with her cancer.  She had been in Germany seeking alternative treatments with stem cells.  Thankfully this was just a set back in her fight with rectal cancer.  She was released from the hospital today.  Let’s send her some nice thoughts and she will always look like this to me. 
  
  Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday this week.  Hef celebrated in awkward fashion by groping his new girlfriend.  The only way an 83 year old should be touching a girl like that is if his first name is Doctor. 
  
  This is Jackie Earl Haley.  You may not recognize his face.  His latest movie he wears a mask and then the movie in which I know him best was when he was a kid.  Anyway he has been cast to play Freddie Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  In case you didn’t know who he is, he played Kelly in the original Bad News Bears and he was Rorsharch in Watchmen.  He was also in a movie called Little Children and after watching that I think that they did a good job casting him as Freddie Krueger.
  
  Hey, y’all!  Jamie Lynn Spears is legal!  She celebrated her 18th birthday by shopping at the local Walmart.  Do people really do that?  “Hey, I just turned a pivotal age in my life so why not go to Walmart.”  I just realized something.  She’s 18 and has more kids than I do and has had more failed weddings than I have had…FML.
  
  Here we see Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey leaving a restaurant.  No, I will not make such juvenile comments as, “How was your trip,” or “Is your favorite season fall”.  No, I am above that.  What I want to know is how long has it been since she started to look like Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask. 
  
  With Jessica Simpson holding her, the baby is ruined that her future career has been ruined.  Jessica is no longer a country singing sensation.  She was only on loan to the Sony Nashville record label and due to poor sales they don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore.  Looks like Jessica is going to have to fall back on her acting career with all those straight to DVD features she makes.
  
  Jonah Hill is giving all us fat guys hope.  Wow, I think he has gotten bigger and I am not talking about his fame level.
  
  This is Kanye West’s reaction to the recent South Park episode that was about him.  Snap!  It’s in ALL CAPS!!!  Bitches better recognize!  He says he wants to control his ego, if he did that, Kanye would cease to exist.  I bet some of you didn’t know this but because Kanye is such a douche, his blog is sponsored by Summer’s Eve.  Oh and if you can view it, here’s the South Park episode.  I’d embed it but there is news on that later.
  
  You are staring into the face of death.  Madonna had to return from Malawi without a new child so she is about ready to go on a rampage.  Look at those veins, she is slowly transforming into She-Hulk.  So the judge told Madonna that if she wanted to adopt a children she had to reside in Malawi for 18 months.  Guess what Madonna did today?  If you guess bought land and began construction on a house, you guessed correctly.  It must be nice to have money.
  
  Speaking of She-Hulk, Megan Fox has been cast to play her in a movie adaptation.  Brooke Hogan must have been busy and of course Madonna is moving to Malawi.  The films producers said they wanted to make She-Hulk as sexy as can be.  Oh so that is why they aren’t casting Brooke or Madonna.
  
  Miley Cyrus told reporters that despite being 16 years old she still likes to crawl into bed and sleep with her parents.  I think I have readers with children that age, would you let your children sleep in your bed with you and your spouse?  She’s 16 and dating a 20+ year old male model but she says that there is nothing like crawling into bed and cuddling with her mom because it just feels right.  So why not Billy Ray?  Possibly because Miley had to leave her bed because Billy was trying to cuddle with her…wait, maybe we should get the real Miley on Xanga to give us some insight.
  
  Miley also said that her boyfriend has brought her closer to God since they have started dating.  Miley says, “I’ve never been closer to the Lord since I met him. He’s really made me read my Bible. He’s made me actually read the stories in the Bible — not the quick little verses — that not only help me, but show you how to help other people.”  Jut because he makes you scream “OH GOD!” doesn’t mean that you are any closer to God.  You know, Miley, Bible studies don’t include tearing off shirts and pants, lap dances during hymns, or dousing with water for prayer. 
  
  Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are officially broken up.  Lindsay was restrained by police because Sam had a restraining order against Lindsay.  Lindsay found out that they were split when she arrived to Sam’s house to find the locks changed.  I am surprised Lindsay couldn’t get in with a changed lock.  She finds a hole and takes advantage.  Oddly enough, Sam’s tell all book about their relationship will have that as the title.  Part of the restraining order was that Lindsay was putting Sam in danger because of Linds’ drug use and cutting.  Sam’s mom said that Sam refuses to talk with Lindsay until she gets sober and stops cutting.  Lindsay then took to Twitter and offered this cryptic or drug-induced message: “should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don’t know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY.”  You know, all this stuff would have made Mean Girls enjoyable. 
  
  Sam then went to Twitter and posted this picture of a cake that had powder sugar lines representing coke.  I guess that is supposed to make Lindsay jealous.
  
  Chris Brown was in court this week and he plead not guilty to all charges.  The trial could start at the end of April.  That should be fun to watch.  He was supposedly working on a plea bargain and would have plead not guilty for lesser chargers that would keep Rihanna from testifying.  Something changed and she is all about taking the stand to testify against him.  Uh-oh! 
  
  Amy Winehouse is back in St. Lucia for more “vacation”.  I take a look at that poor horse and I can’t help but think he has a contact high.
  
  Amy has done pretty much every drug under the sun until this week.  She was walking around St. Lucia and spotted some people drying and smoking banana peels.  Amy has started to smoke dried banana peels as a way to prevent her from doing other drugs.  Um…Amy, trust me, it doesn’t work.  Well the banana peels…it’s an urban legend.
  
  Britney Spears is back to bumping nasties with ex-husband Kevin Federline.  He has joined her tour and was originally with his girlfriend but K-Fed and Britney got intimate one night and K-Fed’s girlfriend caught him with his hand in Britney’s cookie jar so apparently she has left him.  You know, K-Fed in Britney’s cookie jar…that’s an image I need to erase with that vodka I made with skittles. 

  My news is that this week is light for celebrity news however there are a few videos I have so I will have a special edition of Celebrity Round Up tomorrow and it will be videos only.

  I hope everyone has a blessed Easter weekend.

  • 1:38 AM
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