April 16, 2009

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

  Has it been a week since my last posting?  Dang things are going by rather quickly.  I am feeling better and hopefully it was just some sort of bug that has passed.

  Me: Cocky, how has your week been?
  Cocky: Yeah…um…yeah….
  Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
  Cocky: New…sponsor…oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
  Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
  Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

  This blog brought to you by Cockburn’s
  

  

  Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn’s does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region.

  
  Me: Cocky, our sponsor’s product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
  Cocky:  If it doesn’t why am I on fire?
  Me: Well…I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
  Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
  Me: How is Celine doing these days?
  Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
  Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to….god it burns so bad…MAKE IT STOP!

  

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                             Despondent in Dover
  Me: Uh….I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered “cool”.  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
  Cocky: Get a plumber’s helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  What is the deal with 9/11?  What part don’t you get?
                                            Conspiracies Abound in Corona
  Me: Um…I guess the part about 9/11 that I don’t get is how people have used that tragic event as a crutch to promote hate and racist propaganda.  Another thing I don’t get is how our country can use that event to rattle sabers to bomb other countries into the 19th Century and that there is no need for diplomacy and the only good government is a democracy.  Didn’t the communists try to convert all countries to practice communism?  I don’t think that worked all that well.
  Cocky:  9/11…it wears the late crown and is a joke in your town?  God bless Public Enemy.  OK, they can’t all be jokes…why does 9/11 inspire more anger than sadness?  I doubt there were any brave fowl on those planes but dammit I don’t get it.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Did you do your patriotic and Christian duty by attending a Tea Party today?
                                           Patriot in Pasedena
  Me:  HAHAHAHAHA…those Tea Parties are bigger jokes than anything Cocky says.
  Cocky: Hey, you’re the straight man!
  Me: I forgot.  First off these people who are protesting the taxes they pay are not to bright because they believe that the taxes they are paying for 2008 are from President Obama’s tax code.  They aren’t they are from the previous administration and thanks to some of Bush’s last acts in office he screwed the middle class by raising tax rates.  Christian….DIDN’T CHRIST SAY “GIVE TO CAESAR WHAT IS CAESAR’S”?  That, sir, is the most idiotic thing I have heard.  Anyone who claims that is a Christian act is the type of person that Christ was constantly combating in the New Testament.  IF you are a Christian you will obey the government and by protesting these taxes, you are protesting and sinning against the God who established this government.  No, you cannot protest.  What, persay, is breaking God’s law when paying taxes? 
  Cocky: Great…you are going to get so much hate mail and they will take it out on me and I will end up in a stew pot.
  Me: Yeah, well if that is the case I will let all those patriotic Christians line up and use your feathers to tar and feather me.
  Cocky: Oh and my answer…I don’t pay taxes because the services I give to ladies are pro bono.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a single mom raising a 16 year old son.  We are having some renovations done to our house and when I was moving things around in his room, I found some of my sex toys.  He has clearly been using them.  If I confront him, he could freak out and never talk to me again.  If I take them back he may freak out.  What should I do? 
                                           Mortified Over Monkey-business in Minneapolis
  Me: I don’t want to ask how you know that he has been using your toys.  You are probably going to have to sit him down and discuss this with him.  Maybe if he is trying to discover that end of the spectrum of his sexuality maybe you say he can keep your toy but then you should teach him safe sex toy usage.
  Cocky:  My suspicion is that you got swept up in the Barack Obama craze and you went out and bought yourself a Head-o-State dildo.  If that is the case maybe you can assume your little shit…it was shit wasn’t it…is just celebrating his love of democracy and the executive branch of government.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Who do you have winning the Stanley Cup?
                                           Hockey Lover in Halifax
  Me: The NHL is still in existence?  Oh…yeah…um…I think I would have to go with the Redwings but that may be for devious reasons.  I also like the chances the Washington Capitals have.  It is time that Ovechkin step up and prove to us why he is being called the LeBron James of the NHL.
  Cocky: Pittsburgh Penguins and Anaheim Ducks in the finals and I like the Penguins because they are about as flightless as me.  I also want to support the Blackhawks just to piss off the Godfather.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Out of all my friends, I am the only one that supports our president.  Every time I bring up the subject of our president they begin using racist terms to describe him and telling racist jokes not to mention how that one day they believe someone will kill him.  Whenever I try to make a smart reply, I get tongue-tied.  What can I say to make them feel real dumb about what they just said?
                                           Tongue-Tied in Tennessee
  Me: It must be difficult living in Tennesse and I applaud your boldness to present your support in the face of racism and short minded thinking. I think you are tongue tied because it’s hard to justify reasoning with someone as simple minded as that. I’m sorry you still consider people like this your FRIENDS, not for the difference of opinion but because of the racism. I wouldn’t even bother responding to that kind of viewpoint, but time will tell.
  Cocky: Tennessee, huh? The next time any of those racist yokels go the simpleton route, you can throw out several phrases: “How many loads of whites do you have to wash after your clan meetings? Is it always just plain white or can you go eggshell?” or “Wow, that was original.
  Did you and your sister come up with that after sex one night?” or “Racism is 1950 stupid… elevate your intelligence and we can elevate the debate.
  ” or you could point out that the reason they felt safe with that ignorant cokehead W in office is because he was smarter than their inbred, nose and banjo picking selves, but the best thing you could do is just tell them that it’s a fact that people cannot lick their own elbow, and watch and laugh as they preoccupy themselves for hours trying to do it.

  

  Well that is it for this week.  If you have a question for Cocky and myself you can email me here on Xanga or send Cocky an email shoot one over to advicewithcocky at gmail.com. 

  And while I have you captivated make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  It’s down to the Final Four, BABY!
  

  • 12:21 PM
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