April 18, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 4/17

  I finally got in to see a doctor today.  He scolded me for not taking my medicine and I guess he was right.  I told him about the side effects and he agreed that it sounded bad but the alternative is worse.  So I have some broken blood things in my sinuses and in my lung and that explains some blood loss.  He loaded me up on all sorts of lung meds but I said no to steroids because of how they messed with me.  So anyway I am on the mend.  Here is this week's round up.
  
  No matter how hard Zac Efron tries, those rumors that he is straight seem to elude him. 
  
  Zac Efron is set to be cast in a live action movie about Johnny Quest.  In the TV series Johnny was about 11 years old, Zac is 21.  At that rate, he'll be playing the baby in a remake of Look Who's Talking.  Oh and there is a rumor floating around that Tom Cruise is lobbying to be cast in a new movie where he will play a teenager.  No he won't suffer from Benjamin Button illness or like Efron's character in 17 Again...Tom wants to be a teenager...well maybe the low sodium, low carb, and low everything diet of Scientology has made him delusional. 
  
  Woody Harrelson got in a fight with a paparazzi at LaGuardia Airport in New York this week.  The cameraman approached Woody who then broke his camera.  Woody claims he was scared and thought the paparazzi was a cameraman a zombie.  He has been filming a zombie movie and was trying to remain in character and he got carried away.  It's not a surprise he did this, I mean he still thinks he is a bartender and often walks behind bars throughout America and asks, "How are you doing, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  When I first saw this Twitter report about the demise of Tila Tequila, I rejoiced.  Tila claims that someone broke into her house and stole stuff and then broke into her computer and logged onto her Twitter account and posted that nonsense.  Later on Tila went on to Twitter, before calling the police of course, to tell everyone that she was still alive.  Man...this Twitter obsession among the stars is getting crazy thus providing more reasons why I should be on that site.
  
  Simon Cowell hinted in an interview this week that this may be his last season on American Idol but later on he said that he was just joking.  Simon is all talk and won't leave, just like Texas won't leave the U.S.  I have noticed this season that he seems to act like he doesn't care and offers cliche comments like the other judges.  I have also noticed that the sexual chemistry between Simon and Ryan Seacrest isn't what it has been in years at least since season two because we all know that the co-host in season 1, Brian Dunkleman, could only get that job because he was dating Seacrest.
  
  Speaking of American Idol, here is another photo of this season's contestant and front-runner Adam Lambert.  This coming week's theme on A.I. is Disco.  How much do you want to bet this guy sings Dancing Queen by ABBA?
  
  Here we see Shauna Sand showing us how she became famous.  Actually she was at Millions of Milkshakes to unveil her new line of milkshakes.  That has to be a pretty low endorsement deal.  I feel bad for her.  It appears as if her mouth can't control itself when it has creamy and milky substances inside.
  
  People on the set of 90210 are complaining about AnnaLynne McCord are complaining about her.  No she hasn't turned into a diva.  She doesn't wear deodorant and apparently she is quite rank.  Staff members joke about the smell and say things about it in her presence as if trying to drop hints.  One staffer slyly slipped a deodorant stick into her bag when she wasn't looking.  Hey, AnnaLynne, you want to know how to get all those staffers to quit complaining about your smell?  Get DD breast implants.
  
  VH-1 keeps delivering the crappy reality shows.  They are currently working on a reality series based on the every day life of American Idol winner turned Lifetime Movies for Women actress turned foreclosed, Fantasia.  I can see the series being primarily about dodging bill collection phone calls and fights with check cashing store employees.  The last time I wrote about Fantasia it was when her house was foreclosed.  I received some heat because of how she had such a rough time.  I don't care, that means nothing as to how to live within your means. 
  
  Speaking of living within their means...Meet the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.  Currently the cast includes Heidi and Spencer Douchebag, Dog the Racist Bounty Hunter, "Hot" Rod Blajoevich, Geraldo Rivera, and Janice Dickinson.  Contestants will be dropped into a jungle in Costa Rica and then will compete against each other to win some sort of prize.  They need to get the Ice Queen Ann Coulter on that show.  I hope the first contest involves surviving a Somalian pirate attack.  The fun will hit NBC sometime this summer.
  
  I have often talked about my dislike for Jessica Alba because of her personality and horrible taste in douchebagish men.  That being said, I would love to untie that package...you may have to enlarge to see the tattoo.
  
  Hulk Hogan has officially went off the deep end.  No he didn't do anything creepy with his daughter.  During an interview with Rolling Stone magazine he said how he understood what OJ did and how he could have done the same thing.  Wait...OJ didn't do anything.  He did steal some sports memorabilia so maybe the Hulkster is going to invade the WWE and steal a title belt.  No, he meant the alleged murders of Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.  Oh, Hulkster, your daughter look-a-like girlfriend will wipe away your tears besides if you really want to hurt people, make them watch your movies.
  
  Linda Hogan responded to the Hulkster's interview by stating that Hulk ruined their marriage by his constant cheating.  She also fears that the rage and instability common among pro-wrestlers may surface and he could do something to harm her and her 19 year old boyfriend.  Hey...rage and instability common...that's a cheap shot.  Name me one wrestler in the past few years that murdered his family....oops...Chris Benoit. 
  
  I think I am going to be sick.  I never ever thought I would use the terms Rosie O'Donnell and camel toe in the same sentence.  I think Rosie is trying to tell President Obama something.  We should drop her off somewhere along the coast of Somalia so she can combat pirates while wearing that outfit.
  
  Here we see Reese Witherspoon giving us proof that she isn't good  at everything she does.  She is training for an upcoming movie about softfall...I mean softball.  What is with that face mask?  I have noticed that many little leagues and high schools have adopted face masks for baseball.  When I was a boy we got hit in the face and we liked it.  That may explain why I tend to look like Disney's version of Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame. 
  
  Phil Spector was found guilty of second degree murder and could face up to 18 years in jail at his sentence hearing this summer.  I wonder if they will allow his hair dryer in the pokey.  Speaking of pokey, judging from that mugshot, he's going to be a very popular inmate.  I think he should be given life in prison for messing up The Beatles.
  
  The champagne in a can that Paris Hilton endorses is doing poorly and people are saying it is because of her endorsement.  The owner of the company refuses to accept reality and says that Paris is perfect for the product.  What, does it cause STDs and tastes like tuna that has been left out in the sun all day? 
  
  Here we see Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush at the grand opening of Opium in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.  Reggie looks so happy to be there.  You really can't tell from this photo but the reason why his career hasn't really amounted to anything is because Kim gave him a wicked case of jock itch.
  
  Kim Kardashian bloged on Friday that she fell asleep while tanning in Mexico and wearing some fancy Prada sunglasses.  She said because this sunburn is so severe and embarrassing that she plans on avoiding cameras at all costs.  Hmmm....looks like Reggie Bush won't be getting laid anytime soon...for gwarlockvance...BA-ZING!
  
  Lady Gaga was pretty smart when she went out this week, she wore tape over her nipples so the paparazzi couldn't photograph her.  You know what else would work?  NOT DRESSING LIKE A WHORE!
  
  Lil Wayne was interviewed by Playboy magazine in a feature called The Dirty Dozen which is about the sex life of the person being interviewed.  Lil claims that he lost his virginity at age 11 to a 13 year old girl while they were playing a board game.  Oh yeah, nothing heats me up like a game of Monopoly.  He also talked about how he has to be careful and practices safe sex.  He says that instead of ramming a ho's pussy he makes love to it so he doesn't have to wear condoms.  Oh what a romantic!  So I wonder what the Vegas odds are that he will die an AIDs related death.
  
  Porn actress Marilyn Chambers was found dead this week at the age of 57.  Her best known work was a film called Behind the Green Door.  This was very controversial because at the time of the movie's release, Marilyn was also featured in a tv commercial for Ivory soap.  Apparently Marilyn was a very talented actress in that she could do certain acts for another legendary porn star John Holmes that no one else could do.  Also she was a pioneer in the porn industry.  She was the first female to appear onscreen with a fully shaved pubic region.  She never quite made it outside of porn.  Her most recent move was in 2004, she was a nominee for Vice President on the United States in one of those fringe parties.  Marilyn will be greatly missed.
  
  Marlee Matlin released her autobiography this week and it had some shocking revelations inside.  She said that while she dated William Hurt, he beat her.  She didn't go to the police because she was on drugs and was worried they wouldn't believe her because of this and also because she is deaf.  She also claims that while living in New York City at that time, her only friend was a drug dealer because of how controling Hurt was.  She also had to hide the bruises inflicted by Hurt while they were filming Children of a Lesser God.  Don't even think I am going to make a joke about his surname.  This is sad and they all can't be jokes.
  
  
  So this week I was following around Janice Dickinson and I thought it would be a funny joke if I wrapped a dildo inside some bubble wrap and put it on her windshield.  First we see how happy she is to see me and then she spots to package.  She is then shocked and then the heartless woman threw it away.  Come on, Janice, I bought it for you because who in their right mind would screw you?
  
  Lauren Conrad will be doing a guest role on an upcoming episode of Family Guy.  You know, I think they have remained silent and haven't made fun of The Hills on Family Guy.  This show should be very interesting.  I bet Seth MacFarlane is a huge fan of that show.
  
  Matthew McConaughey was interviewed this week and he talked about how Playboy gave him an improper idea about the vagina.  He thought it was hid by the hair.  He claims that the first time he ever was with a girl he spent a long time looking for the right place.  Ugh...he must have been dating a female Chewbacca.  That girl can be thankful he didn't go down there with one of those flashlight hats in his search attempt.
  
  I was so happy when I heard Octo-Mom deny that she was doing a reality series this week.  It was a big sigh of relief and felt happy that her children will grow up in as much of a normal household as possible.  Then it was all crushed when she revealed that a British film maker was going to make a documentary about the kids and will follow them around until they are 18 years old.  There was something like that years ago where they released a documentary about a certain group of children every few years and into their adult lives.  This sounds similar.  Oh and she is also trying to trademark the term "Octo-Mom" so hence forth on my blog I will refer to her as Octo-Crazy...hey, it's better than my original idea.
  
  Mel Gibson's wife of 28 years is divorcing him.  She says that is is because of irreconciable differences and Mel says it is because of the Jews.  His wife will be rolling in the green because when they got married, he didn't have her sign a pre-nup so she gets half of his stuff.  So why is it that only straight people are allowed to marry for life? Oh and the half naked woman is whom Mel was cheating with.  She is a Russian model named Oksana Pochepa.  Hmmm...she isn't worth losing $400 million.
  
  Miley Cyrus opened that gigantic mouth this week and was talking about Alice in Wonderland.  She claims that the movie is perverted and all about Ecstacy.  Lewis Carroll wrote that book in 1865.  The only movie version that I am aware of is the 1951 Disney version and that isn't perverted.  X came out many years later.  Oh I get it...she is starting to attempt to get people to stay away from that movie and see her Hannah Montana debacle instead of the upcoming Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland.  Seriously, Miley, shut the fuck up!  I can't believe that hillbilly is worth millions of dollars.
  
  Miley Cyrus was photographed sneaking out of a restaurant with Nick Jonas and totally checking out his butt.  So what if his button fly isn't completely buttoned.  Nick Jonas has a purity ring and we all know that is a forcefield against all things sexual.
  
  I suppose I should wrap this up with one of the best things I have heard.  Jamie Foxx a Sirius radio show and he was talking about Miley Cyrus.  He said something and then he had to apologize for saying this:
  
  A GUM TRANSPLANT!!!!  Jamie probably apologized because he fears the mouse and we all know the power that Mickey wields.

  Here is a bonus video of Anderson Cooper exposing the truth behind those Tea Parties on Wednesday.
  
  I hope everyone enjoyed this post.  I hope you all have a relaxing and sun soaked weekend.  I will be inside taking care of my lungs and the like.  I will also be preparing some new posts where I actually write.  The Tournament of Randomocity polls close tomorrow evening.

  • 1:40 AM
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