April 23, 2009

• Questions with the Godfather and His Cock

  Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have been ill and filling out applications to be a fulltime teacher once again.  Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

  Me: Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
  Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
  Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
  Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
  Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
  Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed.
  Cocky: Yeah, so I heard that you are filling out some funny application questions.
  Me: Yeah, I wrote an essay last night about different things from my life that besides what I have learned in classes that I would incorporate in the classroom.
  Cocky:  I could see all our conversations being useful.
  Me: Um...no.  I talked about how I coached volleyball and how I use the concept of teamwork so that all the students can achieve a common goal. 
  Cocky: You? You play volleyball?
  Me: I don't play, I coached.  My knees are too bad to play.  I would dive for a ball and get down on my knees and never be able to get back up.
  Cocky:  Yeah...sounds like you spent too much time being a page at the state capitol.
  Me: I was never a page...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  So going with oral sex jokes already?
  Cocky:  I love oral sex jokes even though the mainstream media seems to think they suck.

  

  Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

  
  

  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon. 
  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I suffer from a disorder called liberalitis.  I cannot help but always speak out against American Government oppression, oppose twisted socialism for the wealthy aka bailouts, I always must speak out in favor of civil rights and against violations of the constitution. Lastly I see the through the transparency of a society that blames the poor and disabled for their plight. I don't think that my autism plays any part in this, other than I can clearly see logical flaws in the right.
  Should I be worried?
                                            Liberal in La Valle
  Me: I don't think you have to worry. Your viewpoints are only unpopular in a society that is inundated with distractions such as Reality TV, ipods, and cheap fast food. Politics and the way of the American Dream have gone South due to people depending on 24 hour cable news morons like Sean Hannity or listening to Limbaugh on TV. It takes someone with SOME sense to realize when things are wrong, but a bigger person to do something about it.
  
  Cocky: Liberalitis is better than A-holeitis. This comes from those who think political posturing and ignoring the fact they are part of the problem is what America NEEDS. I once won a Cockfight in Nashville under the pseudonym El Gallo Guapo. That may have nothing to do with your frustration, but I wanted impress you because of those hot pictures you sent with your question.

  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am back in the dating scene and my last girlfriend was this career woman fashionista who was more interested in who she was wearing than what was going on in the world and was also confident in her place in the world.  What do I have to do to reel in a politically aware and frustrated waitress?
                                            Waitress Lover in Wilton
  Me: I'm not sure how to go about "reeling" one in but I am sure it could be rather easy in this economic climate to find a frustrated waitress.  I guess the best advice I could give you is to broaden your horizons while at the same time lowering them.
  Cocky: You leave a tip, a HUGE tip, man.  I'm talking like $10 on a bill that is $2.  The Godfather does that quite often.  He's just to proud to admit it.  He leaves a dollar tip for every drink at the bar but if the bartender is a female and has a pulse he usually leaves $2 or $3 per drink. 
  Me: I am just being nice because I read that one of the most frequent jobs for women in school is waitressing and by giving them a larger tip, it is my way of helping society better itself.
  Cocky: Whatever helps you sleep at night....OK, so leave the big tip and when you go to see this waitress only look at her and talk to her.  And when she asks if you want a lapdance, you pay her but say it is just for conversation...wait that's how you go about reeling in strippers...I have no idea how to find a waitress.
  Me: One thing that worked for me was after I paid my bill, I found the waitress and said that there was something wrong with my bill...her phone number was not written on it.  She ended up giving me her phone number and said she liked my confidence.
  Cocky: And then she gave you a restraining order and a broken heart because she didn't like your lack of bulge.

  Dear Cocky and Godfather,
  What is your take on all this teabagging?  Are people just oblivious to the sexual conotation?
                                            Real Teabagger in Reedsburg
  Me: I am very afraid to know that there is someone out there that admits that they do teabagging.
  Cocky:  Teabagging isn't that odd, Arabian Goggles are what confounds me.
  Me: Just a reminder folks, the links that Cocky posts usually are not safe for viewing at work or with small children around.
  Cocky:  Yeah just like how you shouldn't show your face around cows otherwise the milk will curdle.
  Me: Anyway, I do understand the reason why people are going around throwing tea bags because it is symbolic of the early Americans throwing tea into the Boston Harbor to protest the taxes levied by England.  The idea is great but if you tune in tomorrow for my lukewarm links, the Venerable One sent me a link to the ugly side of teabagging.
  Cocky:  As if dropping your balls on someone's face isn't ugly.  The strangest thing about these teabagging parties is that there were no protests at the Florida state capitol building, the most phallic building in America.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                            Pissed Off in Plum City
  Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
  Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am 16 and love reading your column.  My problem is that I want to marry my girlfriend but my parents and her parents won't let us even though we are old enough, love each other, and have been dating for about 6 months.  No one should tell me what I should or shouldn't do in regards to love.  So what should I do?
                                           Groom to Be in Gays Mills
  Me: Hmmmm so you say that no one should tell you what to do but you are asking me what you should do?  Honestly, you should wait this one out.  Getting married this young may lead to problems.  How will you finish high school and how will you support your wife and where do you purchase a marriage license and what is the standard tip for the officiant of your wedding?  You may not be physically mature and potentially not mentally mature.  Wait, until your parents deem it OK. Besides that, some states won't allow you to get married that young. 
  Cocky: Don't listen to the old fool.  Just watch more of MTV's Engaged and Underage.  That show tells it what is like to be 100% truly in love and I bet all those marriages last.  See the Godfather is a balding, decrepit old man who didn't marry young and now that his body is falling apart he can't find "the one".  If you don't marry now, how can you expect to be a cock of the walk in the bedroom.  I would hate to see the Godfather's future Viagra bills.
  Me: Hey, that Viagra is to help the passageways open up in my lungs and help me breather deeper.
  Cocky:  Yeah...it may help you do something deeper but it most definitely isn't breathing.
  

  Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Guko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.
  

  

  If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.  Also, if you haven't or if you want to numerous times, please vote for the winner of the Championship Game in my Tournament of Randomocity.
  

  • 3:31 PM
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