April 25, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 4/24

  I was planning on having this up sooner but we had some thunderstorms sweep through the area.  I guess that is a sign of spring although there were a few times this winter when there was thunder in the snowstorms.  My cats were horrified and huddled at my feet.  Now I understand that term Scaredy Cats.  Time for the round up.
  
  Tim Gunn of Project Runway was recently interviewed and he talked about why is he still single.  He said with his schedule it isn't fair to the other person because of how busy he is and he admitted that he hasn't dated anyone exclusively since he was 26...HEY!  We have something in common although I don't think we date the same type of person.  Basically both of us need to get into a relationship and make it work.
  
  This is a recent photo of Sarah Jessica Parker.  WOW!  What a beauty!  I am so glad that she will be starring in another Sex in the City movie.  I hope they don't change her make-up from what she is currently wearing or digitally enhance her to look presentable.
  
  Here is an early image of Russell Crowe in the upcoming Robin Hood movie.  They did a good job making him look presentable.  Too bad Great Clips didn't exist in the days of yore because that is what his haircut is screaming.  You know they should just scarp that look and deck him out like the Errol Flynn version complete with bright green tights.
  
  The little girl is Rubina Ali.  She was one of the little children in Slumdog Millionaire.  This week her father was arrested for attempting to sell her.  They did a sting operation because there were rumors that he was going to film studios in India asking for $200,000 for his daughter.  Thankfully she is now away from him.  After reading this I wondered if she got paid for her role.  Well producers set up trust funds for the little children in that movie.  I am surprised that Angelina Jolie, Madonna, or Octo Mom...oops, I mean Octo Crazy hasn't adopted her yet.
  
  Robert Smith, lead singer of The Cure and not to be mistaken for a former Minnesota Vikings running back turned doctor, turned 50 this week.  He was in one of my favorite South Park episodes as well.  It's good to see that he is still maintaining that youthful make-up look.  I bet on his birthday, he didn't cry because boys don't cry.
  

  
  Rihanna hosted Katy Perry in Barbados this week.  Hopefully Katy is telling Rihanna to ditch Chris Brown and to give that kissing girls thing a try because she may like it. 
  
  This week on American Idol, Simon told us what he thinks of new judge Kara DioGuardia.  they need to go back to 3 judges because the new judge is just as cliche as the other 3.  They should keep Paula because she has been on her best behavior this season by remaining sober.  She still does an annoying dance during certain songs but thankfully cameras switch away from her when she dances.
  
  OK...guys...who would you rather do?  Rosie O'Donnell or Angela Lansbury?  It's not even close....ANGELA LANSBURY!
  
  Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were photographed coming out of an office of a sex therapist.  Their spokesperson claims they have been seeing a famed therapist for a while now because Jennifer wants to save their relationship and she has trust issues and Ben has insecurities...small penis?  Anyway, the legendary sex therapist that I am can give this couple two hints: more oral sex and Jennifer to keep been from straying you need to dress up as his one true turn-on, MATT DAMON.
  
  Well I guess that puts an end to those rumors that they are breaking up.  Grocery shopping together is a sign of a happy marriage or for me in the suburbs it was a way to make the moms check me out as I was doing comparative shopping and when they saw my cart filled with Chef Boy R Dee and pudding snacks they would ask if I had kids to which  I said no and they walked away.  Anyway it must have been an off week for news at Us Weekly.  I bet the next thing that will be reported about these two is when they have their bowel movements.  Oh that's right, they don't do that because they are perfect, but if they did, they would use the Love Toilet which was featured in a classic Saturday Night Live skit.
  
  Sure Carrie Prejean lost the Miss USA pageant because of her controversial comments regarding gay marriage but she didn't lose totally because she is dating the human/dolphin hybrid Michael Phelps.  This makes me want to question her about her views on legalized marijuana.
  
  Hey did you read my Lukewarm Links?  Not many people did, but I posted a link to Courtney Love's Twitter.  In one of her tweets she basically called Pam Anderson trailer trash who couldn't get a credit card.  Um, Courtney?  You have a negative credit score and you're going to be wearing a pirate hat soon. 
  
  Here is a recent photograph of Brooke Hogan and her new boyfriend Stack$.  Yes, his name is Stack$.  I bet that is his X-Box gamer name or whatever the kids call that.  I am sort of thankful that Brooke broke the family tradition of dating someone that looked like a family member.  Also judging from this pic, we sort of get the idea who the top is in that relationship.
  
  Brooke was also photographed at Stack$'s CD release party...so that is why he is into her.  She said that her dad's comments about being like OJ were taken out of context and that everyone focused on those words.  You know, she is right.  Only once in that 7 page article did the Hulkster imply that he wanted to kill his ex-wife, so just lighten up.
  
  I need a new summer look and I think I have found it.  This week Dog and his crew were out to catch a criminal and as they went to apprehend him, the criminal shot at Dog.  The TV crew didn't catch any of it on tape.  The guy got away temporarily and he was caught at a Toys R Us.  In the criminal's defense, he was probably terrified of that mullet.  I know if I saw that coming at me I would pull out my piece and start blasting.
  
  True Blood fans this is for you.  Evan Rachel Woods is going to be an addition to the cast of True Blood next season.  She will be playing some sort of Vampire Queen from Louisiana.  She looks like she sleeps in a coffin and she has the acting skills of a person that is void of internal organs and she dates Marilyn Manson.  In other words, she has been perfectly cast for this part.
  
  You know I need to go into the fashion business because I am sure I can make trash bag dresses just as nice as the one Fergie was seen wearing this week.
  
  George Takei of Star Trek fame turned 72 this week.  Oddly that was the closest he's been to a pair of breasts since he his birth.
  
  OH MY GOD!  Paris Hilton was photographed this week getting out of a car without flashing her vag and to think it is springtime.  Underwear is so a winter fashion accessory.  People, the apocalypse is upon us.
  
  Paris was also photographed with her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt at an evening concert at the Coachelle Music Festival.  Ah...remember when Coachella was actually cool and free of moronic celebrities showing up as publicity stunts?  That was like 2 years ago.  Paris is wearing sunglasses and a bikini top at a night concert.  I am just surprised she didn't hire a town crier to go ahead of her ringing a bell and saying, "HEAR YE!  HEAR YE!  YE TOWN STRUMPET PARIS HILTON HAS ENTERED THE GENERAL VICINITY!"
  
  Michelle Rodriguez went nuts at a bachelorette party last weekend.  A male stripper was dancing for the ladies and Michelle started screaming that the dancer's dick was too small and that small dicks make her bisexual.  I really don't understand that so I won't say anymore on that.  I hope Michelle's performance at the actual wedding is just as good as her performance at the bachelorette party.
  
  Here's a shot of what Cobra Commander will look like in the new G.I. Joe movie.  I really don't think that is a good look...wait, that's just Michael Jackson going over some last minute preparations for his upcoming farewell tour.  Based on this photo, that should be one scary tour.
  
  Meryl Streep will be playing Julia Child in an upcoming movie called Julie & Julia.  Supposedly it is about a blogger who makes Julia's recipes from one of her cookbooks over the course of a year and will cover Child's life in Paris while her husband was in hiding for his alleged ties to Communism during the McCarthy commie witch hunt.  They may as well hand Meryl Streep the Best Actress Oscar now.  I would probably go see this movie if they talk about Child's spy career.
  
  In divorce papers it was revealed that Mel Gibson has been keeping a love suite at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills for quite some time.  He and his Russian model girlfriend even had access to secret entrances in the facility.  I think I have said this before but ladies, if your husband builds his own personal church on your property, it isn't because he is religious but because he has a lot of sins to confess. 
  
  Sources close to Jennifer Hudson are saying that she is pregnant by her fiance who was on I Love New York and went by the name Punk and who is currently training to be a pro-wrestler in the WWE.  Ummmm Congrats?
  
  Jessica Biel appears nude briefly in her new movie called Powder Blue.  I just saved you $10.  No, I'm not a hero.  Heroes are people who rush into burning buildings to rescue a mother and her two children and a cat named Snuggles.  Oh...I did that last week so I guess you can call me a hero.
  
  Kelly Benismon, the lady on the left, was on Real Housewives of New York City.  I don't think she should have been on that show because her breasts obviously aren't real.  WTF!  They have failed her.  She probably needs a construction crew with a crane and a bulldozer to put on a bra.
  
  Back by popular demand or at least one person asked...GUESS THE ASS!  This person just unveiled a new line of clothing that is intended for the larger women or the BBWs.  People claim that the clothing was for her but she denies it and claims to be a size 2.  OK, that is an easy one just from looking, you didn't need a hint.  KIM KARDASHIAN!
  
  Now that Lindsay Lohan is no longer dating Sam Ronson, she has put the sideboob back on display in hopes of landing a new significant other.  All that's missing is a pole and scattered one dollar bills.  You know I make fun of Lindsay for stripping but this wasn't really surprising but she said that she will be going to Las Vegas to perform in a burlesque show with Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown.  Some how I always knew Lindsay's career would end up doing shows in Las Vegas.
   
  The Lisa Rinna issue of Playboy hit the stands and my eyes didn't burn out of their sockets.  The most shocking thing about the issue was that in the Party School list, University of Wisconsin dropped to #6.  For years, Playboy never gave the UW a rank because they would always say that they couldn't rank professional partiers amongst the amateurs.  When I went to UW to take my tour and become acquainted with the school, I got so drunk the night before that I missed everything and while I was recovering from the hangover to end all hangovers I decided that UW wouldn't be the school for me if I wanted to learn something.  Anyway if you want to see Lisa Rinna naked, check out this site.
  
  Guess the ass!  This crazy person claims to be from the future sent to the present to give us the future's music and fashion.  I can't stand her but I can't stop looking.  She's like a car wreck.  Lady Gaga.
  
  This is what she looked like from the front.  My mom always taught me that if you can't say something nice then you don't say that someone looks like a transsexual hooker that stole Bette Milder's lips from Hocus Pocus. 
  
  Lady Gaga has started trying to act British by speaking with a British accent and carrying a tea cup with her everywhere.  She refuses to talk about her tea cup other than to say that it contains ginger tea which is something real singer use to keep their voices from going hoarse.  I think she has really taken a turn for crazy.
  
  Last weekend Madonna was thrown off a horse.  She claims that she was thrown because the horse got spooked when a paparazzo jumped out of some bushes and started taking pictures.  He claims that he did take pictures but it was before she got on the horse and then after she fell off.  Police confirmed that the photographer was correct and that Madonna was lying and that she just fell.  It's nice to see that even the animals hate Madonna.  Oh and notice that with this photo I didn't make any horse's ass jokes, you should be proud of me, I'm maturing.
  
  Gwyneth Paltrow was talking about how she hates fat people but she has one friend who is fat and wants to change his life.  Yep, it's Iron Chef Mario Batali.  She said that their friendship is rocky because of his weight.  She paid $5000 for a gym membership in hopes that Mario lose weight.  Mario's weight is key to his success as a chef.  I was brought up to never trust a skinny chef.  Gwyneth is pretty subtle.  I wonder what a $5000 gym membership entails.  Steroids? Happy ending massages?  Coffee enemas?
  
  Back in 2006, Matt Lauer's wife filed for divorce but they reconciled.  She then made a list of every single woman that Matt cheated on her with.  There have been rumors that she is getting ready to file and then release this list which could bring shame on a lot of people including in the world of politics.  I am beginning to wonder why she hasn't went full ahead with this divorce.  His prenuptial agreement must be more iron clad than a Panzer tank.
  
  This week Amy Winehouse supposedly spilled a pot of boiling pasta on her leg.  I blame it on a faulty crack pipe.  You know running around with an open wound like that in the sunlight and in the sand must hurt like hell.  Wait, crack kills pain.
  
  One of the reasons why Amy Winehouse is spending so much time in St. Lucia is that she hopes to adopt a child in that country and that by displaying good behavior in this current country may eliminate her past indiscretions.  The contest for the most fucked up children could soon commence.  In the other corner: Britney Spears.  One of her boys refuses to wear anything but girls' clothing and the other boy has been known to eat dog poop.  I can't wait!
  
  Speaking of Britney's kids.  It looks like she got her youngest to wear some boy clothes.  But I'm looking at Sean Preston...I have one thing to say...YOU GOTTA WORK!
  
  Britney has been telling people that her dad is drugging her to keep her away from certain people like her former manager and her exboyfriend Adnan.  She forgets to take her sanity medicine so he reminds her and he also slips it in her food.  So Britney is getting a double dosage of her medicine.  This cannot end well.

  Video Section:
  Who knew Jamie from the Mythbusters was such a dick?
  

  Watch Jamie Hyneman Is A Douchebag on CollegeHumor

  Howard Stern released a board feed of a Beyonce Today Show performance.  This is hilarious!

  Sometimes it pays to watch FOX News for bright spots like this.

  This week I watched the Snakes on a Plane TV edit.  It was amazing how much they had to change it.

  
  I hope everyone has an excellent weekend.

  • 2:27 AM
  • 26 Comments