May 2, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 5/1

  So what a fun day at Xanga!  I also have made a resolution that I am going to hang up my guitar for a little while so I can get back to my piano skills.  I used to be able to play hymns but now I am lucky to be able to play the melody.  I guess it all stems from cranking up my stereo this afternoon to listen to some of Bach's Toccata & Fugue in D minor BWV 565(if you listen to it, it takes a long time to load).  I was remembering how the chapel at high school where I attended freshmen year had this magnificent pipe organ and one girl at the school played that song after an evening chapel and instead of everyone leaving when the ushers told us to, we all stayed and listened to that song.  Beautiful...if anyone out there knows how to play it, well I am envious.  On to the round up.  I have to admit that it may be pretty weak but then I didn't do any research until today and there hasn't been much going on because I suspect that celebrities fear the swine flu.
  
  Willie Nelson turned 76 this week and he is showing us how he planned on celebrating.  You know Willie is so old that he actually remembers when a nickel bag cost a nickel.  He couldn't remember how much condoms cost because they never used them.  I love Half Baked because that weed was the shiz-nittlebam snip-snap-sack.
  
  That is so awesome that Heidi and Spencer's wedding was not the top news story according to Us Weekly.  I've told you before that I hate John and Kate plus their brood of eight and I've told you before that he is cheating on her.  TLC won't let them divorce because they are their highest rated show.
  
  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married in another ceremony but this time it was in a church and they were joined by the cast and crew of The Hills complete with all the cameras so they could capture every precious moment to sell to tabloid magazines and document for numerous MTV specials.  Here we see Heidi saluting their Aryan guests.  They still are debating where to go on honeymoon and part of the reason is that they are fearful of the swine flu.  May I suggest Afghanistan?  I hear it is lovely this time of year and the rock plants are in full bloom. 
  
  Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!  That is one side of Susan Boyle that I never wanted to see.  I think she is a bit overexposed.  They are making a movie about her life story and Catherine Zeta Jones is reportedly playing Susan.  I hope they get to the truth of her and her kissing escapades.  She lied about never being kissed...the slut. 
  
  SURI RUN FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!  She almost made it to freedom.  Watch, Tom will start using a leash on her like the wonderful parents in my last post.  Suri, one of these days you'll be free.  Just click those heels together and say, "There's no place like home," and you will be free of Xenu's grasp.
  
  It was revealed that Snoop Dogg owes the state of California almost $300,000 in back taxes.  No wonder that state is on the verge of bankruptcy.  Something tells me that $300K is his annual weed budget.  I bet he blew his stimulus money on weed....WEED!  Who am I kidding, Snoop is doing his part to help the economy of drug dealers.
  
  There was another wedding this week.  Slama Hayek married her husband again.  They originally got married recently at the city hall in Paris.  I guess they figured that marriage only counts if it is in a church and in front of hundreds of cameras.  Since I have retired from being a professional groomsman I have a question that has been nagging me concerning weddings.  Is it acceptable, in the receiving line after the ceremony, upon congratulating the happy couple to motorboat the bride?  Salma brings out my inner and outer deviant.
  
  Attention pedophiles: Ali Lohan is like 15 years old, totally!  She was out surfing with her sister this week.  THat is so bad.  When I was 15, the girls in my class never looked like that but of course they didn't have a mother who bought them plastic surgery.  Speaking of Dinah Lohan, I wonder how many seconds it would take her to decide to sell Ali to a Saudi Arabian shiek...2 or 3 seconds?
  
  I love me some Coco but she has got to consider wearing clothes that aren't as tight or revealing.  I mean her legal age is pushing 30 although the majority of her body is much younger.
  
  WOW!  Jessica Alba actually smiled.  Maybe one of you can help me but when are the next Sin City movies coming out?  I have been waiting forever.  I remember reading that they were supposed to come out early 2008 and then it was pushed back to mid 2008 and the third would be early 2009...WTF!  This is serious people.  I need to know.
  
  Jesus has been in the news the last few days.  He died for our sins and the good people in Florida have decided to honor him by putting him on their license plates.  Great job!  Maybe you should be fully understanding his teachings and following them instead of slapping him on a plate and claiming that the president is the anti-christ as predicted in the Bible.  Please don't argue Bible with me. 
  
  England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh, is back to the men.  She turned lesbian a few months back and apparently the novelty wore off or maybe that is the publicity or the fad.  Anyway she's back to riding poles.  Honestly I think Jodie is a trysexual like what Freddie Mercury claimed to be...he'd try anything.  Here Jodie is with her new boyfriend and they are at a charity event.  Look at that grace and poise...they need to make her the new Queen.
  
  You know I don't care what people say about Keira Knightley.  She is beautiful and some might say flat is where it is at. 
  
  Paula Abdul is an embarassment and this time it wasn't for something she did on American Idol.  She got fooled into having an interview with Sascha Baron Cohen's character Bruno.  Apparently she makes quite an ass of herself in the interview.  That movies just sounds better as the weeks go by.  So she was fooled and made a fool of herself, what do you expect from someone who sprinkles Xanax on their Cheerios and if you suggested that she was the Craigslist Killer she would turn herself in? 
  
  I read this story numerous places and I just laugh every time I hear it.  Paris and her boyfriend were at a night club this week and a random dude went up to Paris and grabbed her breast.  Her boyfriend got all pissed off because he had marked that as his territroy and he tried to start a fight with the dude.  When boyfriend turned away, a beer bottle was thrown at his head and then the fight broke out.  Why does this sound like it happened at a country honky-tonk bar?  Well the people were fighting so the DJ jumps to action.  He puts on Paris Hilton's classic "Stars are Blind" and she jumps on a table and starts dancing while people around her are fighting.  OK that is just hilrious.  I have to admit that song was one of my guilty pleasures for quite sometime and for some reason was on my funeral playlist.  Anyway the dude that groped her, he should have just got in line and waited his turn like every other single guy in America.
  
  My mom once said that if you can't say nothing good about someone then you don't call them a trailer park queen, lot lizard looking, haggard, drunk, reject from an episode of Cops.  I hate myself for saying this because last week I posted that Courtney Love said Pam was trailer trash on her Twitter and I think Courtney is on to something.
  
  Octo-Crazy had her first of many visits from social services this week.  Her 3 year old son went to his preschool with a black eye and bite marks all over his body.  The teacher wrote a note and tried calling Octo-Crazy but she never returned the calls or wrote a note.  Social services were involved and Octo-Crazy said that her son is autistic and likes to bump into things and bite himself.  Well...it looks like motherhood has been a good ride for her.  Also a former stripclub bouncer spoke out this week and said that she was a frequent dancer at the club during amateur contests and also danced for private parties.  He said that she was overly friendly with the male clientle...and to think she had to be artificially inseminated but who knows how those other kids got here. 
  
  WOW!  Ozzie Osbourne must be experiencing that Benjamin Button disease.  He is looking pretty healthy these days.  What?  That's Mary Kate Olsen?  Hmmm she must be barking at the moon and biting the heads off bats to start looking like that.  There is a strange resemblance. 
  
  Michael Jackson is showing us that he is ready for the swine flu.  Either that or he is worried that his nose will fall off and roll into the gutter once again.  You know Michael probably doesn't have a clue what swine flu is and he probably doesn't even realize he is on the planet Earth.
  
  Guess the ASS!  This person is all glittery and no it isn't Lady Gaga.
  
  It's Kim Kardashian.  She was at a party thrown by Pepsi and it was a 50s throwback party so Kim showed up dressed in disco gear and asked people why they weren't playing disco.  You know, no one has ever accused Kim of being a high school graduate or equivalent degree winner or even being able to read.
  
  You know I mentioned Lady Gaga and I just couldn't resist posting a recent photo of the trainwreck that is her fashion.  She was at a charity event this week and you would think that for charity someone would dress appropriately but not Lady Gaga.
  
  Linda Hogan is fearful for her life ever since Hulk Hogan said that he understood why OJ did the things he did.  Linda is so worried that she is requesting more alimony somewhere in the neighborhood of $33,000 a month.  She said that the extra money is going to help her move far away from Hulk.  I wonder if she thought this through.  Asking more money from a guy who is upset about the divorce...yeah she's not too smart but at least we now know what happened to baby Jane or Hatchet-Face from Crybaby(if you haven't seen Crybaby do yourself a favor, if you are into Johnny Depp it's from his early days).
  
  Apparently cocaine does a body good.  Lindsay Lohan was spotted by paparazzi sunbathing on a random stranger's front lawn this week after her trip to Hawaii with her sister.  I think they need to turn the sprinklers on Lindsay and force her back to whatever cave she is living in these days and, no, cave is not slang for vagina.
  
  Lisa Rinna was telling whoever would listen this week that she believes she and her family had swine flu and have fully recovered.  She said that everyone in her family had it before it became famous.  So in a way she is claiming to be the cause of this alleged pandemic.  I think the collagen has finally got to her brain.
  
  This week Michael Douglas announced that Gordon Gekko will be back for Wall Street 2.  I hope to hell that cell phone makes a cameo appearance.  Supposedly the movie will follow the headlines from what the economy is currently doing.  In other words it will be shit.
  
  In other Michael Douglas news, he turned 90 this week.  How is that guy still married to Catherine Zeta Jones?
  
  Since his wife is leaving him, Mel Gibson debuted his girlfriend at the premier of Origins: Wolverine or whatever the title is this week.  You know he's Catholic and much like the Catholic church of America they have open door policies and never hide anything so I guess it was about time to reveal his girlfriend.  You know she sort of looks like Octo-Crazy...hmmm I wonder how many more kids Mel will have with her.
  
  Comic book nerd alert!!!!  This is Megan Fox on the set of Jonah Hex.  OH...MY...GAWD!!!!  I can't wait for that movie.  Also how much do you want to bet that this will be the sorority girl costume of choice for Whore-o-ween?  My bookie says the odds will be 2:1.
  
  Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon celebrated their anniversary with a few hundred friends and they were watching a video about their one year together and Mariah broke into tears.  Why is she crying?  She finally realized she is married to the dude from Drum Line.They also gave us reason to celebrate her breasts so I'm not upset.
  
  To fight the voices in her head and her father who is seemingly drugging her into a zombie state, Britney Spears has taken up gardening.  Apparently she is planting flowers and vegetables.  Who knew that gardening could get you high?  Oh yeah, I learned that in a Cheech and Chong movie.  Britney is upset that her Cheeto plants haven't sprouted yet.
  
  A legendary lady passed away this week.  Bea Arthur passed away at age 86.  A spokesperson said that Bea passed away quietly in her sleep.  I was always amazed by her career.  Maude...Golden Girls...then she was also a feminist and worked for PETA.  She will be greatly missed.
  
  Yes I do.

  Video Section:
  Denise Richards has given me another reason to hate the Chicago Cubs and her.
  
  Julia Roberts got drunk and gave a wonderful speech about Tom Hanks.  My only critique is that she need to say fuck a few more times.
  
  There has been a lot of talk about the plane fly over in New York City.  President Obama said that he was livid and mayor Michael Bloomberg said that he was ballistic.  Well they weren't the most upset people in New York City.  Joan and Melissa Rivers have them beat.
  
  I leave you with one of my favorite Bea Arthur moments from the comedy central roast of Pam Anderson.
  

  Roast of Pamela Anderson
  Bea Arthur Uncensored
  comedycentral.com
  Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  And if anyone calls me an evil person because of this post...I use sarcasm, check it out.

  • 3:16 AM
  • 36 Comments