May 14, 2009

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

  It's already mid-May.  I am just rolling in the credits and also filling out applications for teaching jobs.  My reading and writing has suffered.  I want to get some posts up besides my regular weekly features.  Anyway, I love this weekly feature so I guess you're stuck with it.

  Me: Cocky, how has your week been?
  Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
  Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
  Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
  Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
  Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

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  Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
  Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
  Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
  Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
  Me: How is Celine doing these days?
  Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
  Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

  

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Can you explain what the big uproar is about female teachers sleeping with their middle school students? I don't get it, I mean, I slept with my teacher in middle school and I'm fine. Is it just different because I was home-schooled?
                                           Confused in Clayton
  Me: You know I have spent many years in school as a student and teacher and let me say this, there were no female teachers I ever had like the ones I see on TV getting arrested for sleeping with students.  Although my 1st and 2nd grade teacher named her child after me.  Odd.  And then my high school English teacher, well I think she would have been more apt to sleeping with the girls in my class.  I think it has something to do with a middle-schoolers ability to go once again right after he went if you catch my drift. 
  Cocky: Yeah you want to avoid sleeping with your teacher hence forth.  My friend Bubba Ray, he lives over at the chicken coop near the trailer park, he has a tendency to sleep with any of those chickens and some of those conquests are people he hatched with.  Well that farmer has a new marketing tool by selling square eggs.  Stop it now, unless she offers you some excellent pie.  Apple is my favorite.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                           Dry in Dodgeville
  Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must finda clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a adult novelty store and bakery and saw that they are the inventors of a new kind of lube, The Beer Lube. 
  Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a few months now but lately things have gotten strange.  When we try, he can't seem to "enter" me.  It is near impossible for sex.  Then when he did get in, it was so painful that I felt like throwing up.  What should I do?
                                           Sick of Sex? in Sparta
  Me: Wow, we are getting a lot of sex questions this week.
  Cocky: As if you know about sex, Father Godfather.
  Me: Ah, an obligatory priest joke.
  Cocky: No an obligatory priest joke would be: A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest.  The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.  The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"  The priest replied, "What did you say?"  The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes...tight ass!"
  Me: Cocky, that isn't very nice.
  Cocky: Very nice wouldn't be: what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
  Me: I'll bite, what?
  Cocky: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
  Me: OK, we have a question to answer. I really don't know what your problem is.  Thank God, and because of Cocky I'll probably have to do a lot of penance and Hail Marys even though I am not Catholic, that I have never had that problem.  One thing you might want to try looking into are kegel exercises or maybe you should try other positions or maybe instead of diving into the "main course" he should sample your "appetizers".  But I think the first thing I would do is visit a gynecologist.
  Cocky:  Oh, you did you put up your free gyencological exams sign in the back of your Blazer again?  You know if you did throw up during sex, that would add a whole new dimension to your love making.  The good old fashioned Roman Shower...too many memories.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  How do you feel about President Obama's plan to cut the deficit in half by the end of his first term?
                                            Newt in Necedah
  Me: I think he is setting himself a lofty goal for which you KNOW he will be taken to task for. Unfortunately, Republicans have proven that even in a time of economic crisis, they will still play the same political posturing. They will do their best to try and make legislation take forever to get passed just to bring the President down.
  I hope he succeeds though!
  
  Cocky: Some day people will realize that all you need is to let Chickens take over these banks for awhile. We are frugal people who know how to save. Our paperwork will be hard to read though cause of our "Chicken scratch" handwriting.  Sorry. Since the Godfather won't let me read dirty jokes on the internet I've been reading a lot of FAMILY CIRCUS, my comedy is starting to suffer.
    I need to punch Billy and NOT ME in the throat.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                           Loser in Lomira
  Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
  Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                           Hard-worker in Hortonville
  Me: I wouldn't advice making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
  Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

  

  Well that is it for this week.  If you have a question for Cocky and myself you can email me here on Xanga or send Cocky an email shoot one over to advicewithcocky at gmail.com.

  Oh and a thank you to all my readers and subscribers and friends for helping me reach my goal of 15,000 credits which I was able to redeem for 6 months of Xanga's Premium service....cue confetti, fireworks, and silly string
  

  We did it Adrian!

  • 5:39 PM
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