May 16, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 5/15

  Ugh...my life sucks right now.  I'm not going to say fuck my life because it isn't quite there but it isn't my life is average.  I am slacking on here and I have become obsessed with the whole credit craze.  Eventually I will grow out of that phase.   Does anyone else out there watch WGN?  Every weeknight at 11:30ish they have a commercial for an erectile dysfunction treatment called the Post-E-Vac and it's followed by a Valtrex commercial...every night.  I find it funny.  On to the round up.
  
  A few weeks ago I forgot to announce the news that everyone already knew.  Wanda Sykes is a lesbian.  Well this week it was announced that Wanda and her wife had twins, a boy and a girl.  Twins, that must be a handful.  Hopefully they won't chew up her shoes.  That's what babies do right, they chew up shoes?  Oh that's puppies.
  
  Remember the reality series Growing Up Gotti?  I despised that show.  They were all wannabes and trust me, they were wannabes and just living off the Teflon Don's name.  Anyway Victoria Gotti's mansion is now in foreclosure.  Apparently she owed something like $700,000 on the house.  I have heard this economy is hitting the mafia hard however they aren't affiliated.  I bet they could avoid foreclosure if they gave up their hairspray, tanning cream, bronzer, lip gloss and teeth whitener. 
  
  Vanessa Hudgens has been talking about an upcoming movie role and she is extremely proud of this part because it will require her to be fully nude.  Well if you have followed my blog for some time her nudity wouldn't surprise you.
  
  Paul Abdul presented former American Idol contestant Scott MacIntyre a seeing eye dog this week.  Paula better hope that the dog also hasn't been trained to seek out drugs and by licking that is how it communicates it has found the stash.  And because Paula is crazy, I wonder if she will act like the dog and start sniffing Scott's crotch, oh wait she already has.
  
  This whore had a rough week.  First Paris decided to throw a party.  When the guests started to leave they were shocked to find their cars vandalized: keyed and covered in eggs.  Paris freaked out and called the police, who started interviewing neighbors because that night Paris' party received numerous noise complaints.  The police also interviewed Paris as a possible suspect but they ruled her out when they noticed that the party-goers cars' tailpipes weren't covered with Paris' lipstick.  The other occurrence to Paris came yesterday.  Someone called her anonymously and said that her dog, Tinkerbell, had been run over.  Paris was frantic and screaming.  A neighbor heard her screams and called the police.  They arrived just as Paris found the dog.  I am shocked that Paris wept over a dog.  I mean it wasn't so long ago that she just left some of her pets at the vet's office for a few weeks because she forgot that they were there.  She could just go out and buy another dog. 
  
  Oprah Winfrey gave a commencement speech at Duke last Sunday.  She said that she was thankful for having a home and mansion that didn't burn down in the California wildfires.  She said she was also thankful for her private jet.  You know, I'm with Oprah on this.  I am thankful for my house and my private jet.  Of course my jet is a model I made when I was 12.  You know over the past year I have gained some fame and there is nothing quite like the smiles I get.  Especially the smiles from the naked women that wake up next to me.  Oh wait...an obese blogger can dream, can't he?
  
  My friend Andrew W.K. turned 30 this week.  Wow, I always thought my friend was much older than that.  Maybe following the Britney Spears' diet of eating nothing but Cheetos and peanuts has caught up with him or maybe it is that heavy metal lifestyle.  Anyway, I hope my friend Andrew W.K. had a happy birthday.
  
  People are claiming that Angelina Jolie is having problems on the set of her new movie.  They have said that she retreats to her trailer and cries uncontrollably and then has taken to cutting herself.  They were thinking of delaying shooting but tight budgets have limited them so they are just using extra make-up to cover her wounds.  You know it wouldn't be the first time Angelina has practiced self-harm, after all she married Billy Bob Thornton.
  
  Beyonce has been telling people close to her that she is tired of show business and wants to take off two years.  Two years?  That's it?  She could go away forever and I wouldn't miss her and her horrible acting.  Hopefully that story about her playing Eartha Kitt turns out to be false.
  
  Boy George was released from jail this week after serving 4 months of a 15 month sentence for chaining a male prostitute to a radiator.  You know, he looks pretty healthy.  I bet Boy George had a gay old time in the pokey.
  
  Brooke Hogan didn't invite her mother to her 21st birthday party last week.  That's right, she's only 21.  She looks like she has a bright future as a lot lizard.  Do you blame Brooke for not inviting her mom?  Linda Hogan is dating a guy that is younger than Brooke and who was a grade school classmate with her son Nick.  Then the Hulkster is no saint.  He's dating a woman that looks almost exactly like Brooke.  God, her parents are horrible.  It's like choosing between Hitler and Stalin in a nice guy contest.
  
  This is Casey Ray.  She was hanging out in an alley behind a hotel and she started looking in a dumpster and found a booklet.  She read it and noticed the characters had the same names as the characters from Twilight.  She had found a script of the upcoming sequels.  Well Casey did the right thing and turned the script in to the movie company.  She was rewarded with movie passes to the premier of the next Twilight installment and an autographed copy of a script by the entire cast.  No one has questioned why Casey was hanging out in an alley behind a hotel and searching a dumpster.  Hmmm I wonder what she was doing.  I think you have read my thoughts on Twilight and understand why this is divine retribution.  A dumpster is the perfect place for anything Twilight related.
  
  This is for the Ladyofabundance, she reminded me of this story last week.  Natalie Portman is supposedly seeing Sean Penn even though he is married to Robin Wright.  Penn has told people that Natalie is the first person that has stimulated him mentally.  I bet while they are doing another kind of stimulation, Natalie recites Chairman Mao's Little Read Book...hell, that gets me every time.  And as was pointed out by The Lady of Abundance, Sean Penn goes from a marriage with Princess Buttercup to cheating with Princess Padme Amidala.  Yeah, I get the reference, do you?  No links, you do the search.
  
  This is a recent photo of Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks.  I heard that they were changing the name of the band to The Dixie Pricks because Natalie is now going by Nathaniel because she is a man and a handsome one at that.  Actually I have no clue so Dixie Chicks fans leave me alone.  You shouldn't even be a Dixie Chicks fan if you are an American according to Toby Keith...god, why do I know all this country music.
  
  This is Minka Kelly.  She didn't really do anything noteworthy this week aside from wearing spandex.  I find Minka to be the best thing about Friday night television programming because she is on my favorite show, Friday Night Lights.  Oh yeah, me staying in on a Friday night so I can watch Minka...I AM SO COOL!
  
  No, if Miley says John Hill is cool than he is iiicccee cold!!!  See this is why I don't follow Twitter.  I think I have a special links entry just devoted to Twitter pages.  Anyway why does Miley need a Twitter when she has her own Xanga page.
  
  Mariah Carey is in a new movie called Precious.  I just read about this movie on a Xangans blog earlier this week and thought it was an intriguing story.  Some people are saying that this role will gain Mariah a nomination for an Oscar. Wow, she has come a long ways since Clitter(TYPO STAYS!).  This week she has been at the Cannes Film Festival promoting Precious.  I wonder how you say in French, "Hey, look at that crazy lady's cleavage."
  
  Well Madonna has found her own personal Jesus and she plans on marrying him in some sort of Kabalah ceremony.  Ummm....Jesus....Madonna....isn't that incest?  This is what I think of when I hear of Jesus and Madonna.
  
  Cher squeezed into her outfit from the 1992 video for If I Could Turn Back Time this week.  1992 left, 2009 right.  Cher is 62 if you didn't know.  I have no clue why she decided to bring that outfit out of retirement but there are somethings that need to stay retired.  Are you listening Brett Favre?
   
  
  So let's get this straight...there is a magazine on the market called Coco that is entirely about Coco and contains photos and articles about Coco which are written by Coco and then edited by Coco and then published by Coco?  Wow, may have more than two assets.   If you look closely at the cover shot of Coco, look at the address label where the target audience is clearly labeled, may have to enlarge.
  
  That's Fergie.  She doesn't look too g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s.  And now way would I want to touch her tacos not even for 69cents.  I don't think I would even pay 69cents to go see her perform.  I have asked this question before, but is she going bald?  I've heard that meth does that to a person.
  
  There is a rumor and this one may be true, please sit down...Lindsay Lohan may be pregnant.  Yeah, I know, that's odd. I thought all her lady parts rotted off from all that drug abuse or a strain of the PHI(Paris Hilton Infection).  Apparently after her break-up with Sam Ronson, Lindsay started sleeping with any man that had a pulse.  A source said that Lindsay even booked an appointment at an abortion clinic but decided not to go because she thinks a baby may win back Sam.  I don't know what to believe here. 
  
  This week on Twitter, Lenny Kravitz posted a photo of himself taking a shower.  This photo boosted his number of Twitter followers.  Now if only he could produce another hit album complete with cover songs.
  
  Guess the ass!  There is an awful lot that is being hidden.  I wonder what our Gossip Girl has to hide.  Leighton Meester
  
  Well it looks like we have found Meatloaf's long lost love child.  That's Kelly Clarkson channelling her inner Meatloaf.  No she isn't his daughter, she just really looks like him.  Her song My Life Would Suck is so addicting.  It's the first thing on my lips in the morning.  I wish I had something else on my lips in the morning but I will stop right there.
  
  The Jon and Kate story has just begun.  I thought last week was bad.  Now, Jon's brother is going around telling people that Jon and Kate have split up and divorce papers are being drawn up.  He also is saying that Kate has been cheating with one of their bodyguards.  WTF!  They have bodyguards!?!?!?!?!  I thought they were real and their show was reality.  How many real people have bodyguards?  Anyway, I am not really believing any of the divorce talk or cheating rumors.  I think that Kate is behind all this because she seems like an evil mastermind that would come up with these stories to boost interest in their show and the rating and that way they get more FREE SHIT!  The funniest thing Jon's brother said is that the show isn't reality.  NO!  He said it is more like a trainwreck.  So basically like every other reality show?  God...whatever happened to the sitcom?  Oh good sitcom news, FOX has turned down airing the remake of Absolutely Fabulous.
  
  Jessica Simpson is back on tour.  This photo is from her performance at a rib eating festival in San Antonio.  It looks like Jessica was a contestant in the eating contest.  Oh and I hope you can be proud of me but I am taking the high road and I am not going to make fun of the fact that later in the week Jessica performed at Sea World.  No, I will not make a joke about Jessica fitting in at the Shamu tank.  I am above that.
  
  Fran Drescher is trying to stay relevant through Twitter just like Kirstie Alley and Melissa Gilbert.  Fran Drescher...ugh...the only thing I wonder is if they were all at the same time or if they waited in line.  This is another reason why Twitter isn't for me.
  
  I have been asked by a few of you to post some male celebrities that are nude.  Well it doesn't happen that often but here is Dolph Lundgren.  YES!  DOLPH LUNDGREN!  I will post a link to the uncensored version if you want to see Dolph Lundgren naked.  BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL I GIVE YOU NUDITY!  I am a total nerd for the He-Man reference.
  
  Amy Winehouse returned to the stage last weekend in St. Lucia.  It wasn't much of a performance because she was drunk.  The people booed her off the stage and before she left Amy said, "Fuck you."  Wow, I'm surprised it wasn't worse and that she didn't go ballistic or end up in the hospital with an overdose.

  Danny Gokey was voted off American Idol this week.  I was sad but then I saw a video of him performing at his hometown day.  He forgot the lyrics to the song and then there was his butchering of Dream On
  
  

  Heidi Montag...oops Heidi Pratt released her new video this week.  Why am I not impressed?
  

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 2:33 AM
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