May 20, 2009
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Round Table
When I was a child I used to love watching the political debate shows with the panels and they argued certain points. I try watching these same shows today and it seems like they are arguing against the middle or they argue against each other even though the panelists are taking the same stance. I miss having Bill Maher on non-premium cable. Say what you will about his politics, he does have great discussions.
I am going to try to have a round table discussion in this blog. I will be the moderator and as a reminder the views expressed here may not belong to the actual celebrity nor to they reflect how I feel.
Our topic today is gay marriage and the panelists:
AOL Sports columnist Jay Mariotti
Me: Welcome to the show Jay.
Jay: Thank you. Normally I wouldn't do an appearance for someone from Wisconsin because Chicago is so much better than anything in Wisconsin despite the fact that people from Chicago head there every chance they get. Chicago is simply the greatest city in the world. We have the Chicago Cubs, the Chicago Bulls, the Chicago Blackhawks, and the Chicago Bears. Chicago is great because it is Chicago...CHICAGO...CHICAGOOur next panelist is defrocked minister Ted Haggard
Me: Um...Ted? Could you please wait?
Ted: Hey, he told me that he was bit by a rattlesnake and I need to suck the poison out because we must preserve life at all costs. I'M NOT GAY!Next, legendary professional wrestler, Hulk Hogan
Me: Hulkster, welcome to the discussion.
Hulk: Well let me tell you something Godfather, it's a pleasure to be hear with my 24 inch pythons and we are going to run wild all over gay marriage.Finally, and this man needs no introduction, Keith Richards
Me: Mr. Richards, welcome.
Keith: ..................
Me: Mr. Richards?
Keith: WRGUIWABLCPIEAFR! Blimey...where's me git?Me: Once again we welcome everyone. I just want to ask everyone here what is their opinion on homosexuality.
JM: Well in Chicago the homosexual is accepted because Chicago is the greatest city on the planet and Chicagoans are so accepting of everyone as long as their name isn't Steve Bartman or Jay Mariotti.
TH: For the last time, I'm not gay. I have drawn schematics that show I am not gay. I'm not gay.
HH: Well you know something Malicious Matt, sometimes when the Hulkster got lonely on the road and didn't have a chance to have a groupie. Well the Hulkster had to use the jobbers. Let me tell you a wrestling secret. They weren't called jobbers just because they lost matches. They did jobs of a personal nature. And for another thing, brother, how do you think the Macho Man Randy Savage got his nickname and catch phrase? He listened to a lot of Village People and screamed "OH YEAH!" quite a bit with the jobbers.
KR: You gona silly blong in a golinbean mang!
Me: Mariotti, I'm surprised you didn't bring up the fact that you were at the heart of one of the most recent homosexuality discrimination scandals in major league baseball.
TH: I'm not gay, I told you...schematics...see if my penis...
Me: I was talking to Jay.
TH: Pardon me, Jesus loves you.
JM: Well when I was in Chicago covering the sports of all Chicago sports teams because the sports teams of Chicago are the greatest in the universe because of one word: Chicago. I was asking Ozzie Guillen of the Chicago White Sox about some pressing matters about how he managed the greatest team on Chicago's south side. He called me a fag. This is not how people from Chicago act in Chicago.
Me: The fallout was huge. Guillen had to serve a suspension and you were basically outed.
TH: I'm not gay, just because a man performs oral sex on me does not make me gay. See it isn't me doing the act so therefore I'm not gay.
JM: People in Chicago do not interrupt others because people in Chicago have manners.
TH: Jesus loves me and I have done so much work so that means I am a true Christian and I will pray for you.
HH: That's right little Hulkamaniacs you have to train, take your vitamins and by vitamins I do not mean anabolic steroids, and say your prayers.
KR: .....................
Me: OK, let's have a little decorum. You have to admit there is a lot of homoerotic moments in sports. I mean Matt Stairs recently said, "Not that I don’t feel like I’m part of the team, but when you get that nice celebration coming in the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys, there’s no better feeling than to have that done."
JM: No doubt about it, even in the great city of Chicago. Of course when Esera Tuaolo came out of the closet we all made fun of him for being a part of the Green Bay Packers and we thought the team's name was ironic but Chicago is above such humor. Anyway I dug up this photo of Ozzie Guillen "celebrating" his World Series victory for the city of Chicago:
JM: Clearly there are more gay athletes than Esera Tuaolo, John Amechi, Billy Bean, Martina Navratilova, and Sheryl Swoopes. We, as Americans, need to take Chicago's lead and be more accepting of homosexual and lesbian athletes.
TH: You forgot to mention Mike Piazza.
Me: That's just speculation.
TH: You can call it speculation all you want but one time we were making...a prayer session and he is a fine young man.
HH: Well let me tell you something Mariotti, you forgot to mention pro-wrestlers Orlando Jordan and Pat Patterson. I've locked up with those two plenty of times. There was an old saying that if you wanted to get ahead in the WWF you had to give head to Patterson. Well the Hulkster never went down because of the 24 inch pythons and the flowing locks of lustrous blond hair.
Me: Could some one wake up Keith?
KR: Where's me git?
Me: Hulkster, I have seen your antics in the ring and sometimes they were a little over the top.
HH: What are you trying to say Malicious Matt?
Me: Nothing, so where do we stand on the topic of gay marriage?
JM: As a resident of Chicago I am accepting of whatever anyone wants to do.
HH: The little hulkamamiacs should be accepting and understand that all people need their civil right otherwise, me and my 24 inch pythons are going to run wild all over you! (Hulk rips shirt)
KR: If a bloke wants in another blokes bum then OK by me as long as they buy my records. I mean I didn't say anything about Mick when he was with Bowie
TH: Well clearly as I am not gay and I am a minister of the Lord I have to say that homosexuality and gay marriage is an abomination!
HH: Brother! You are going to feel the wrath of the bodyslam and big boot combo!
TH: Why Mr. Hogan those arms...they're fantastic
HH: Do you like when I pose?
TH: Yes, and you can pose for me all you want.
Hulk Hogan and Ted Haggard start "wrestling" complete with the dreaded liplock of death and the "BIG FIST"
JM: Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago!
Keith Richards breaks out his guitar and starts playing the chords E, A, E, A, E, A, H7, E, A
Me: Well we didn't accomplish anything here today so I think this will be the last Round Table Discussion
Comments (14)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Omg, Keith Richards! Looks like Johnny Depp on acid, lots of acid.
You know . . . I heard this in perfectly in my head . . . and laughed a very long time.
Loved the forum. Thanks for the fun.
LOL! Wow, awesome pictures!
You blow my mind...this was incredible lol
@pansybradshaw -
Thanks...I guess the laughter is a good thing.
@storyslut -
It is so much clearer as to why the cast Keith Richards to play the father of Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I also think there was heroin involved to make Richards look like that.
@jacksoncroons -
I forgot to include more on Mariotti. He has this thing where he will sing praises of the Chicago teams and then in the next breath belittles them. If you want to actually hear Mariotti speak, check this out.
@curiousdwk -
Thank you. Hopefully my brain will divulge more of these. This is the product of an over-active imagination and attention deficit disorder and lack of sleep.
@kachino -
Yeah there are some interesting moments in sports out there.
@ChocolatMenier -
Thank you, like I said before stuff like this comes to me because of my over-active imagination, attention deficit disorder, and lack of sleep. I think it also means I should get out more.
Although Keith is actually more coherent than you make him out to be, I get that this is based on his public image. All in all, very, very fantastic! I could not stop laughing. You deserve a much wider audience, not that thinner people wouldn't enjoy your work as well.
@MelFamy -
Thank you, I would appreciate all people reading my blog, well almost all people. I don't think I would care for having the Amish read it because then that would make them hypocrites.
Keith, he's a great guy and obviously smart if he can keep churning out albums and is able to perform but I think he wants to play up that wildboy image. I think I got some of my inspiration for Keith from an old Saturday Night Live skit. It was during the Weekend Update news portion of the show. I think Mick Jagger was the host or maybe just the musical guest but they had an editorial comment from Mike Myers playing Mick Jagger and Mick Jagger playing Keith Richards. That was pretty funny.
Comments are closed.