May 23, 2009

• Celebrity Round-Up 5/22

  A day late, but never short.
  
  I'll start off with a little where are they now.  That is Tiffany, 37, on the left and Debbie Gibson, 38, on the right.  Remember them?  I do. One magical summer whenever I went to the mall I had hopes of catching a surprise mall concert but Tiffany always crushed my dreams by only playing major malls or at least ones I didn't go to.  I am proposing that they reunite and do another mall tour.  That would be totally radical and tubular!
  
  Tila Tequila made this announcement on her Twitter earlier this week: "Before I bounce, and since it’s late...Im gonna tell y’all something REAL FAST, and then delete it ok?  Since nobody is awake...reason why I’ve been feeling sick on and off lately is because yes, I am pregnant! *GASPS******Ok, bye."  Tila has yet to figure out whom the father is but she has narrowed it down to everyone west of the Mississippi River that has a penis.
  
  The Sean Penn/Robin Wright Miller/Natalie Portman story has taken an interesting turn and it has left me wishing that they would just go away.  Natalie Portman was interviewed and she said that she has never been with Sean Penn and is not dating him.  So she has denied all the rumors.  Well Sean Penn, who filed for divorce in 2007 and then changed his mind, did file for divorce back in April and guess what...he has changed his mind and withdrew the petition.  Natalie Portman...ah it's so nice to hear that she didn't soil herself with Penn and pick up whatever Madonna gave him.  I need to send her some roses.
  
  Rihanna responded to the recent leak of nude photos by competing against Pete Wentz in a "Who's the Biggest Douche Bag" contest.  Just by showing up Pete was guaranteed another victory but at the last second Rihanna made that hand gesture which gave her the honor of being the biggest douche bag.  She has accomplished the unthinkable.
  
  Pedro Almodovar, director of such movies as All About My Mother, Talk to Her, Bad Education, and Volver, was interviewed this week and he admitted to being a very hands-on director.  He explained that he has to be involved in every process of the film-making and that if something isn't to his liking he will show the person doing the task how to do it.  He said he takes it to extremes and he has even shown people how to act.  In one of his early movies he was not pleased with his actor's interactions with the actress so Pedro showed him how to act.  Of course the scene was a sex scene and what Pedro had to teach the actor how to do properly was cunninlingus.  Is it too late for me to become a movie director? 
  
  Pam Anderson decided to give everyone a sexy thrill of her hepatitis infected self at an AIDS charity.  You know, I look at Pam and wonder, shouldn't she be at home knitting and sipping on tea?
  
  This week was the finale of American Idol.  Bikini Girl made her triumphant return. AS one popular Xangan already pointed out, there is something different about her.  I think she got a new hairstyle.
  
  Kara DioGuardia took on Bikini Girl during the finale.  I had the video but Fox took it off Youtube.  So who do you think wore the Bikini better?  My answer is probably insignificant but I have to give it to Bikini Girl simply because she has a little meat on her and bones aren't showing.  Oh and Ryan Seacrest ran off the stage screaming and crying at that point because he was worried of catching girl cooties.
  
  Speaking of girl cooties....Adam Lambert has never caught them.  He has said that he loves people speculating as to whether he is gay or not.  I have to admit by his not saying it outright that it gets people talking about him.  Maybe these pictures will shed some light onto his sexuality and maybe this video explains his loss.
  
  
  Oh yeah, Kris Allen was crowned prom king.
  
  Al Franken turned 58 this week and he is still not in Washington D.C. representing Minnesota as her junior senator.  This is a joke.  I am finished giving Norm Coleman a benefit of a doubt.  He squelched out on giving us those kegs of beer for advertising at the White House of New Ulm.  AL FRANKEN!
  
  Paris Hilton has been at Cannes Film Festival this week.  Here we see her smoking a funny looking cigarette.  She took that cigarette and passed it to other people and then she spent the rest of the night going into fits of laughter and behaving strangely.  What that cigarette was, we will never know.  And while Paris is toking it up in Cannes, her neighbors are trying to have her kicked out of her house.  See Paris just rents.  I guess the economic crisis effects even her.  Paris' neighbors weren't to pleased to have their cars all keyed up or running the risks of contracting something from her if they are caught downwind.
  
  I have tried to look for this but I haven't found an answer.  Do prostitutes have a nationwide union?  If they do, they have to elect Paris as their president.  Why is Paris Hilton labeled a shameless, STD infected, whore?  Well, it's because she is a shameless, STD infected, whore.  When my dog was in heat and a boy dog tried to rob her of her innocence, I hosed him down.  Well someone over at the Cannes Film Fest needs to hose those two down.  Way to stay classy Cannes!  Way to stay classy Paris!
  
  You remember I made the recent resolution that I would refer to Nadya Suleman as Octo-Mom anymore.  I decided I would call her Octo-Crazy.  Now that name has been taken from me.  During the recent earthquake in California, another baby was shaken loose out of her womb so I guess that now makes her Nano-Mom.
  
  Hey, sucka!  Mr. T turned 57 this week.  I pity the fool that decides to put 57 candles on his birthday cake.  T wanted a quiet meal with no jive cheeseburgers.  He only wanted milk and he loves his milk which I learned in an episode of The A-Team.  Mr. T is not bound by human law and can drink more than one gallon in under an hour.  I would love to see some more Mr. T facts because I think he is better than Chuck Norris.
  
  Morrissey turned 50 this week?  Who is Morrissey?  Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself? 
  
  Alex Rodriguez(A-Rod or to Boston Red Sox fans...well anyone who isn't a fan of the Yank-mes Gay-Rod) was spotted with a possible new girlfriend.  That possible new girlfriend is none other than Kate Hudson.  She was seen at a Yankees game and you know that it had to be her because only the obesely rich can afford to go to Yankees games.  After the game the couple was spotted at a bar.  They were very noticeable because they were making out.  That is quite the step-down for A-Rod.  He usually makes out with women who can lift up Chevy Suburbans with their nipples....yeah Madonna is a freak.
  
  Ashley Olsen has announced her retirement from acting at the ripe old age of 22.  If wonder if she will be able to collect social security.  Ashley is going to run the twins three fashion labels while Mary Kate focuses solely on acting.  As we can see from this photo Ashley has quite the eye for fashion.
  
  This is Blonde Cora.  She is a German porn star.  She was trying to set a world record by performing fellatio on 200 hundred men.  Well as she was on Mr. 75, she started choking and couldn't breathe.  Cora had to be rushed to the hospital.  She is recovering and hasn't announced yet if she would attempt to break the record again.  I bet her parents are so disappointed....that she didn't break that record.
  
  After a hard workout at a gym, Brooke Hogan and a friend were spotted eating at a McDonald's.  There is nothing in this world that is quite as enjoyable as a Big Mac after a cardio session.  I live in the wrong area because I have never seen half naked women at a McDonald's.  In that picture Brooke is looking rather attractive and it may lead me to say that I'd like to cover her two all beef patties with my special sauce.  Wait...Brooke has had implants so they aren't all beef but mostly silicone, just like McDonald's burgers, mostly other substances instead of beef.
  
  As time passes, the Carrie Prejean story keeps getting better.  Her mom admitted that she had a lesbian affair.  Wow...Carrie's mom has a lesbian affair and her father is accused of being gay.  This is why gays should be allowed to get married instead of marrying someone of the opposite sex and being in a loveless relationship and producing a person like Carrie Prejean.
  
  Last week I mentioned that Cher was 62 years old.  Well this week Cher turned 63.  I made fun of her for not retiring her outfit from 1992.  Well I think she should try to retired that hair style.  Oh and she is also rumored to be a part of Christina Aguilera's new movie Burlesque.  Maybe that outfit won't be retired so soon.
  
  Guess the ass!  So while I am typing this, I am probably being hunted down by Mickey Mouse but gee shucks...who do you think will win the NBA or NHL championship?
  
  Yeah it was Miley Cyrus.  She has been complaining how people have been calling her fat.  Not once have I called her fat, I may have called her a trailer trash, incestuous, attention whore but never fat.  She said that those people who call her fat are just being tempted by the Devil to call her that and they should read their Bibles.  Do you realize what this means now that Miley is trying to get people to read their Bibles?  HANNAH MONTANA BIBLES!!!!!! 
  
  There are rumors floating around that have said that Michael Jackson is secretly battling skin cancer.  He has been seeing a specialist that deals with skin cancer at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles.  They are saying that the cancer has been brought on by his repeated bleaching sessions on his skin.  One of Michael's staff said that Micahel started seeing these splotches pop up all over his body and he had them tested and they proved cancerous.  I wish him the best of luck and I may suggest he start wearing that mask again.
  
  More sources are saying that Mel Gibson's girlfriend is pregnant and is possibly in her second trimester.  So I don't know what trimester means or entails.  Is that when the stork pays a visit to the expecting mother to interview her to determine if she is ready to be the mother of a boy or girl?  I know some people who are praying that Mel becomes the father of a baby Jew.  Oh and have you ever wondered what it is like to be a famous movie star?  Well take out your wallet, dump all the contents on the ground, and then light it on fire.  You will then know what it is like to be Mel Gibson.
  
  Martin Scorcese is preparing to make a biopic about Frank Sinatra and the stars are already lining up to play Frank.  These are 8 of the 9 that could possibly be in line for the role.  Starting in the upper left and going clockwise: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Justin Timberlake, Harry Connick Jr., Jake Gyllenhal, Mark Wahlberg, James Franco, and Jon Hamm.  Not pictured is Michael Buble.  You know, none of them are worthy to play Sinatra and I swear, I will go balistic if Depp or Timberlake are chosen to play the legendary Frank Sinatra.  I have a feeling Scorcese will select Leonardo DiCaprio because it seems like non-documentary Scorcese has made in the past few years has Leo in it (Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed, and Shutter Island).  Who am I kidding?  I want this role so bad.  How awesome would it be to play the King of Cool?  I sent in my youtube audition tape.  Don't act like you aren't thinking of auditioning?
  
  In a new music video, Fergie does some lesbian acts and when asked about it, she admitted that at one point she was having sex with women but that she wasn't really a lesbian because she didn't date women.  You know I've been a lesbian before but unlike Fergie, I didn't play lesbian just for meth.
  
  There was this hilarious story about Gene Simmons that I just had to share.  He was a notorious ladies' man but now he has lost his edge.  At a recent party he was trying to pick up a lady.  His technique?  Grunting at her and making motions with his hands.  The girl told Gene to get lost.  You know he wa making grunting sounds just because he was trying to control his prostate.  And what guy out there hasn't made the classic sex sign by making a circle with the pointer finger and the thumb and then taking a finger from the opposite hand and simulate sexual action?  You know Gene doesn't need antics to disgust ladies these days, he needs just a well lit room.
  
  Guess the ass!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Kachino, I am on to your little trick.  Now try to guess!!!!  Oh and the hint.  Jamie Foxx said he wouldn't mind getting with this brainwashed woman because he loves larger ladies.  She fears Xenu as much as she fears a steady acting career.
  
  Kirstie Alley....you know, maybe Jamie Foxx is onto something there.  MMMM ice cream cones....
  
  Hugh Jackman has won my Upstanding Citizen of the Year award because he cleaned up his dog's crap.  Yes, the dog knows how foul that is but just look at him with his smug face.  You know Hugh has plenty of stuff that has been cleaned up for him.  An interesting story surfaced about Hugh.  A male porn star was going around telling people that Hugh is gay and likes to visit a certain dominatrix.  When asked how he knew this the porn star said that he was brought in for one of their sessions.  The dominatrix had the male porn star um...enter Hugh and as he first penetrated Hugh began singing the hymn Onward Christian Soldiers.  Later the porn star retracted his story but was sporting a new car.  Hmmm...I don't believe that for one second. 
  
  Jessica Biel revealed why she can't get work in movies and also why her movies have recently went straight to DVD.  She says it's because she is too beautiful.  Her beauty distracts the directors and other actors.  God, I need whatever she is taking to combat reality.  I think the real reason she isn't getting roles is because she can't act.  Hell, just watch any episode of 7th Heaven that she is in and you will understand that as well.  I have passed gas that has more acting talent than she has.
  
  Left) The original poster for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.  Right) What the poster for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen should look like.  You know if they used to one on the right, it would distract from how bad the movie actually is.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies.  Mark Sanchez was drafted by the New York Jets this spring. That is model Hilary Rhoda appearing with him in a photo shoot for GQ magazine.  It is rumored that they are possibly dating.  Why didn't I get into the NFL?  Oh yeah.  Screw you knees!  Screw you ankles!
  
  OH HOW THE DIVA TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED!  Usually Mariah Carey makes people wait for her but at the Cannes Film Festival she was made to wait for the director for her movie Precious.  Mariah was fuming and visibly upset that SHE had to wait.  Maybe now she knows what she has been doing.  Ah probably not...you can't hear me, but whenever I look at this photo I start giggling.
  
  Lisa Rinna said that she has never had colagen injections in her lips.  WHAT?  Oh wait.  She said that she had silicone implants put in her lip.  She says her lips maker her a person and define who she is.  Is that fake or a certain body part.
  
  Julian and Sean Lennon were spotted hanging out together this week.  Thankfully Yoko was nowhere to be found.  I am hoping that sometime in the near future they will sing a duet and hopefully it will be a song written by their dear old dad.  Wow, they really do look like John.
  
  Lady Gaga got in some trouble earlier this week. She was in Moscow near Red Square and was taking photos with fans.  She drew the attention of some police officers and they apporached her and questioned her.  They thought she was a prostitute.  Gee...I wonder why.
  
  Apparently this is appropriate attire to wear to a radio station to conduct an interview for a morning show.  Have you ever noticed that Lady Gaga never wears pants?  And is that her...you may have to enlarge the photo...vagina?  It's been so long.
  
  Here's another where are they now.  This is Joseph Gordon Levitt.  He was the kid in the tv show Third Rock from the Sun.  Actually this is just for a movie but I thought he may have dropped out like that sort of like another Third Rock star, French Stewart.  His upcoming movie 500 Days of Summer looks quite promising but mostly because Zooey Deschanel is in it.  I hate to give this away but he plays Cobra Commander in the upcoming G.I. Joe movie.  WTF!
  
  In one fiscal year, Britney Spears spent $10 million of the $12 million she earned.  Here's some of her expenses:  $625,000 for legal fees for custody battle, $450,000 for security, $140,000 in credit card payments, $105,000 for rent, $180,000 for child care, $190,000 for assistants and employees, $290,000 mortgage payments, $140,000 living expenses, and $1million in misellaneous business expenses.  WOW!  So I wonder what she is spending $1million on that is misellaneous.  Cheetos, mud flaps, and cigarettes more than likely.  It's a good thing that she is selling out her concerts on this tour.   She may have to work until she is at least 35.

  Video section:
  So they are making a documentary about Paris Hilton.  It's tentatively called "Paris Not France".  The only thing dumber than the title is Paris herself. 
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.
  

  • 11:40 PM
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