May 30, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 5/29

  I hate when my cats get hairballs.  Of course they decided to hack up next to me and I am what is known as a sympathy puker.  I had a student puke and I had to leave and get the creepy janitor to clean it because I wasn't about to blow in front of my class.  Anyway this cat starts coughing and out comes this thing of twisted fur and food and whatever else and it was about the size of a cigar...not a Swisher sweet but one of my Sinatras.  Anyway on to the round up.
  
  That old bag is almost as big as her purse.  Victoria Beckham is so tiny and she loves the handbags.  She has $2million worth of handbags.  I am boggled by that.  My mom usually got her purses at Walmart or the local liquidators and of course I am single so I have no clue about handbags.  She must have so much disposable income.  She probably lights her fireplace with hundred dollar bills and wipes her ass with fifties.  She also keeps David's boyfriends silent with the bills that have Woodrow Wilson on them.  Oh, you don't know which bill Woodrow Wilson is on?  Well research it and get back to me.
  
  Roseanne has been blogging about American Idol.  Here's an excerpt: "the u.s. elections! it's all for show and has no substance, offensive homophobic sexist and hateful. the closeted gay guy who goes to church won over the gay guy who is "out". simon fuller never tells the truth, because the truth is that simon fuller hates originality and talent, and only likes what is common and hack. That is what american record buyers support--same shit different day... the white guy who sings with an emotional catch in his voice that little girls can have safe romantic sexual fantasies about. FUCKIN pat boone YUCK! cancel this atrocious show. the new girl looks like a boy in her bikini...she probably has a dick too. its all bullshit, just like everything else is all bullshit here, starting with that governor, an austrian closet case who hangs around with my ex husband who is a complete sociopathic LOON!"
  So Roseanne...tell us how you really feel...god I hate that saying...anyway she is on to something about the record buying public.
  
  Robert Downey Jr. is so cool.  He should be up for the role of Sinatra in Scorsece's upcoming movie.  Here we see him showing us that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  Ah...I'm sad, I didn't get the Sinatra part. 
  
  Speaking of getting something...Phil Spector received a sentence of 19 years for the murder of Lana Clarkson.  He is lucky he only got 19 years, he should have received a life sentence for messing up the Beatles and making us look at that absurd hair.  Oh well 19 years could be a life sentence for him since he is 65.
  
  Paris Hilton and her boyfriend are still celebrating in Cannes.  This week they were invited to a yacht party, a yacht that Sir Elton John owns.  OK, so he is a knight but has anyone seen him in a suit of armor?  Anyway Paris and her boyfriend were disgusting guest by the public displays of lust so Paris got the bright idea that they should head below and find an empty room.  Well a steward caught them and told them to leave the ship under captain's orders.  People cheered as they were escorted off the yacht.  When asked the next day about this, Paris said that she isn't a whore.  I suppose that was a lookalike or a stunt double in those sextapes?  Actually, Paris, I called you a cum ditch, you give whores a bad name.   She went on to say that she can't stand The Hills.  Hmmm Paris and I have something in common.  I need my gun and a single bullet.  That is funny that she said that.  Her boyfriend is on the recent season and it's also aired by MTV which airs her show.  No one has ever accused her of being smart or having half a brain.
  

  
  I can't believe I haven't posted this beauty earlier.  This is Ruth-Ann, Miley Cyrus's grandmother.  Miley needs to adopt that look...NOW!  Could you imagine the amount of cash Disney and Miley would rake in if they started selling perm supplies and Hannah Montana hair dryers like you see in the beauty parlor?  Can't you just see gangs of teenage girls all with perms?  I need help.
  
  Good news!  We haven't seen the last of Adam Lambert!  Brian May, of Queen, was so impressed by the runner up on the most recent season of American Idol that he told Rolling Stone that the members of Queen are thinking of reuniting and asking him to be their new singer.  OK, Queen must be senile because there can only be one queen in Queen and that queen was Freddie Mercury.
  
  Just like Norm Coleman, people are calling for a recount of the American Idol final vote.  It turns out that Kris Allen may have had an unfair advantage in the win.  The company that did the text voting was AT&T and they took demo phones to numerous parties around America for Kris Allen.  They gave the people texting tutorials and only showed them how to text for Kris.  The AT&T people then took the phones back after the votes were recorded and left.  No representatives went to Adam Lambert parties.  Oh well if Lambert does go on tour with Queen, he'll have a much better career than anything Kris Allen could hope for.
  
  Angelina Jolie escaped from the thinspo police so that she could have her cake and eat it too.  She was actually hospitalized because she was injured on the set of her new movie, Salt.  The specifics of her injury are sketchy but people are saying she was hospitalized as a precaution.  Well I hope it isn't too serious.
  
  This is Avril Lavigne.  She is the girl in those Canon camera commercials.  A long time ago it was rumored that she was a singer...a poor one at that.  Here we see her grabbing her punk rocks...I have to stop.  THAT HAT!  WTF!  ARE YOU SERIOUS!  How ridiculous!  OK, better. 
  
  No this isn't a joke.  This is the cover for Brooke Hogan's upcoming album.  This economic crisis is making people go crazy.  At least Brooke threw some money at a t-shirt airbrush artist to draw this album.  Yeah, the t-shirt airbrush artist industry is really hurting.  The two booths in my playground(The Dells) haven't been open.  Anyway it appears as if Brooke is living in a world of delusion. 
  
  Speaking of a world of delusion...Brooke's mother is claiming that the Hulkster is using Brooke to tell lies about her.  So Linda is going on the offensive.  She is telling everyone who will listen that Brooke has had breast implants....duh?  She is also threatening to have her boyfriend Charlie put his studying to become a fireman on hold to work on a rap album to show Brooke who is a better performer and he will rap about Brooke.  I've heard a lot of threats in my life...I'm calling the cops on you...I'll give you crabs...I'm telling...but threatening to turn your boyfriend into a pop star is a new one.  And it is one of the most AWESOME threats ever.
  
  Mel Gibson confirmed that his girlfriend is pregnant.  He confirmed it on the Jay Leno show of all places.  That Mel Gibson...CLASS ACT!  Mel claims that his marriage ended 3 years ago but was never officially over until just recently and that his girlfriend's pregnancy had nothing to do with the divorce.  Leno joked that this would be Mel's 20th kid and Mel said no, it's his 8th so now he can be called Octo-Mel.  Actually I am getting ready to call Mel, Broke.  Oksana Grigorieva is stating that she will leave Mel if he doesn't quit drinking and womanizing.  Poor Mel!  Also, she is going to cash in with this baby.  According to an article in the Chicago Sun Times, Mel has agreed to pay her $10million the moment the baby is born.  She has already signed a singing deal with the record label that Mel owns and in documents she is guaranteed $40,000 a month in child support until the child is 18.  ALSO, Mel is responsible for paying for the child's education expenses, private elementary and high school costs plus undergraduate college.  Also there is a potential chance they may marry, she will be paid $25million but have no claim to any other part of Mel's estate at his death.  So girls, here's what you do...find a rich, old, drunk man...tell him you are on the pill...CASH IN!  Oksana has been seen in Mel's personal church praying and lighting candles with the hopes of having triplets.  This woman is pregnant with a winning lottery ticket.
  
  Meg White got married to Jackson Smith, son of Patti Smith, this week.  The ceremony took place in the backyard of Jack White, Meg's bandmate and ex-husband or was it brother...no they were married but the story was they were siblings...WTF!  Anyway another one of my dream girls is off the market.  She plays drums with reckless abandon...that's hot.
  
  Marilyn Manson has resurfaced.  Wow!  Paul Pfeiffer from the Wonder Years has really let himself go!  I suppose breaking up with Dita Von Teese can be hard for a guy.  Then he tried to replace her with Evan Rachel Woods, who he even dressed and styled like Dita, but she left him for Mickey Rourke *SHIVER*.  Yeah all that hurts like hell....see what I did there?  Hell?  He's a priest in the Church of Satan.  Oh and by the way I know he isn't Paul Pfeiffer, that has always been on of the most asinine rumors.
  
  Lily Allen was typing on Twitter the other day and she said that Susan Boyle is overrated.  FINALLY!  Someone had the courage to say it and it was my girl Lily.  Lily went on to say that she herself wasn't talented.  I beg to differ.  She sings, she sucks toes, and she's a furry.  That's talent and how can you not like this song.
  

  
  Here's a little something for the ladies.  Lenny Kravitz turned 45 this week.  He really needs to get back to making music instead of showing us his door knocker.
  
  When Dr. Hook sang "Cover of the Rolling Stone", I don't think he intended for this crap.  I really don't want to know where those bubbles are coming from.
  
  American Express is suing Courtney Love because she owes $350,000.  Her new publicist, Twitter, had this to say: "outliers waits and im only on chapter 2 teh 10000 hour rule amerex come on i have a good feeling about your solid i bet taurean ass!"  I think she was talking about being sued.  So how does a person rack up $350,000 on a credit card?  Do crack dealers except American Express?
  
  England's finest rose and lady in waiting, Jodie Marsh is trying to become a competitive bodybuilder.  Since she started training she has went from a size 12 to a size 6...whatever that means.  She does look like she is in great shape.  I bet her back is one of the most musclar backs in all over the world since she lugs around those two boulders 24 hours a day. 
  
  Johnny Depp made some hints at retirement in an interview at Cannes this week.  He said that he can't wait until he is able to stop worrying about what he eats and drinks and grows a beer belly.  I hope he grows one soon because that way the ladies may think I am sexy with my beer guy and they will think I have Depp's style...OK now I am as delusional as the Hogan family.
  
  Jon and Kate are horrible people.  They are putting themselves and their money ahead of their children.  That show should be called Jon and Kate plus $$$.  I always wonder if they even have contact with their children.  Anyway a sad fact...more people watched the season premire of their crap than did the season finale of Lost.  Someone has contacted the Pennsylvania Department of Labor to investigate the family for breaking child labor laws.  They are also investigating TLC.  TLC replied with this comment: "TLC fully complies with all applicable laws and regulations. Jon and Kate + 8 is no exception. For an extended period of time, we have been engaged in cooperative discussions and supplied all requested information to the Pennsylvania Department of Labor. We will continue to engage the appropriate officials and meet any standards or regulations that are applicable to TLC productions."  To which I comment: "STOP THIS FUCKING INSANITY BEFORE THOSE GET ANYMORE MESSED UP THAN THEY ALREADY ARE!"
  
  Meet Karen Sala.  She is 46 years old and is the mother of 4 children aged from 20 to 25.  She is suing Keanu Reeves for retroactive child support for 21 years at $150,000  per month and $3million for spousal support retroactive for three years.  She claims that Keanu has father all four of her children and wants him to submit to a paternity test...paging Maury Povich.  So she waits 25 years to tell him and is suing for all that money.  You know I can't help thinking, Keanu at one time was a major star in Hollywood and that is the type of woman he goes for?  This seriously needs to be settled on Maury.
  
  Kevin Bacon has had a rough year.  Bernie Madoff made off with a bunch of his money.  Then for some reason Hollywood decided to remake Footloose and cast Chace Crawford as the lead.  Then this week while waiting for a subway in New York, someone came up and stole the Blackberry right out of Kevin's hands.  I don't know what to think.  Kevin must have shattered a mirror while walking under a ladder and in front of a black cat.
  
  One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong, Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song?  That's Kim Kardashian, Michelle Tratchenberg, and Emmy Rossum.  Did you guess which thing was not like the others? Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong? If you guessed the one in the bikini top is not like the others, Then you're absolutely...right!
  
  Wow, I didn't know riding lawnmowers were that exciting.  Britney Spears has proved me wrong.  There are some things out of frame that you can't see like the dueling banjo players, the jugs marked with Xs, and the people watching wrasslin'.
  
  Britney has been a little vacation before she starts her European tour.  Well the hotel where she was staying was very upset with her children.  Her sons trashed their hotel room.  They tore the drapes, broke an expensive vase, crayoned up the walls, and one took a crap in the pool while swimmers watched in horror.  That is poor parenting and Britney's maids should be disappointed with how they have raised those children.

  Videos:
  Chris Brown has broken his silence.
  
  Adam Lambert is acknowledging the pink elephant in the room.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.
  

  • 2:47 AM
  • 51 Comments