June 21, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 6/19

  I really should have done this earlier.  I went out today to buy myself a new pair of sandals because the pair I bought last summer bit the dust sometime this winter.  I didn't find slip-ons but when I find anything in my size I buy it.  It is near impossible shopping for shoes.  Not many stores readily career 17s.  I also got some some, not some, too much and now my arm is burning.  I also was in a cooking mood this evening.  I made way too much chicken cordon bleu and cheesy potatoes.  Then I finally got to watch Benjamin Button.  So-so.  My dad is doing fine.  I don't get this but apparently the lining of the bones on his breastplate was inflamed causing chest pain.  That's a relief in some ways.  OK, enough about me.  Round up!
  
  Maybe I was quick to jump on those rumors that Will Smith was special friends with Tom Cruise because his wife Jada was talking about their sex life.  Sharing sex tips, Jada told RedBook Magazine: "Be sneaky... your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom. A bedroom." Talking of other places they like to get down to business, the actress added: "Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. "Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road... Just switch it up. "Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive."  You know stories like this make me feel alone.  I need to dust off the girlfriend application.  Ladies, when you fill one out under the category "Special Skills" listing reverse cowgirl on your best friend's countertop is a plus.
  
  Victoria Beckham has had many surgeries on her breasts.  She started off with 34A and then ballooned to a 38DD.  Recently she went in and had a reduction.  She said she wanted to reduce her breast size so that she could be a respectable mother and fashion designer.  Yeah, I'm sure the reason her sons have so many friends over to their mansion is because she is respectable.  As for her former implants, they have found a new home at a bowling alley.
  
  Sean Penn recently dropped out of the production of two movies.  He said that he wanted to focus on his family, in other words he is in rehab.  Most likely, one of the movies that Penn will not be appearing in is the alleged Three Stooges movie co-starring Benecio del Toro and Jim Carrey....Thank god Penn will not be a part of that abomination.  Maybe they can get Jim Carrey to drop out and go work on the A-Team movie as Murdock.
  
  Here is a new shot from the next Robin Hood movie starring Russell Crowe.  It's set for release in 2010.  I just am not buying this movie.  The character is supposed to be so much younger and not Australian.  I was thinking of predicting that it will be an epic failure but people like crap.  I mean Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a #1 movie for a while in America.
  
  Supposedly there is a sex-tape starring Rihanna that is set to be released in the next few weeks.  I saw some still shots and a short clip and it's not her.  Chris Brown releasing a sex-tape of a star witness in his battery trial to ruin her credibility?  No, that could never happen.
  
  Here's a new piece of meat from Burger King.  That's Piers Morgan and he's the meat for a line of advertisements for Burger King's meat scented body spray.  I don't think I can bring myself to eat at a Burger King ever again.
  
  Olivia Munn is in this month's Playboy.  Of course I will post the photos at a later date.  Now don't worry, she doesn't appear nude.  I guess the only chance a person would have to see her nude is if they sleep with her and if you are sleeping with her then there is no need for Playboy.  Oliva, call me!
  
  Wanna feel old?  NPH...Neil Patrick Harris...Doogie Howser turned 36 years old this week.  Remember that one episode where Doogie was snorting coke in a New Jersey nightclub and his pal Vinnie got the crap beat out of him by Phil Leotardo and Doogie had to treat Vinnie while he was all hopped up on goofballs...oh damn I'm crossing Doogie Howser with the Sopranos and Harold and Kumar.
  
  I guess Disney is going to tell young children that oral doesn't count before marriage.  Actually these are scenes from an upcoming Miley Cyrus movie titled The Last Song.  Wasn't it just a few months ago when the world was in an uproar that she exposed her naked back on the cover of a magazine?  Now she's doing this.  I think her co-star will end up skipping the premire for fear of being arrested.  Oh and if you hadn't guessed, this is being released by Disney so take that parents!
  
  There's an old joke that comes to mind when I first saw this photo of Michael Phelps and I guess you have to have a warped mind and a knowledge of 70s music.  Why did the cowboy have horse crap in his moustache?  "Lookin' for love in all the wrong places."  OK, yes I'll be appearing this week at the Ha-Ha Hut and The Chuckle Factory off highway 33 east of Wonewoc.  Actually you know I see that moustache and I wonder if Phelps has a sextape coming out because that is a 70s style porno-stache. 
  
  Mel Gibson's girlfriend just released her first music single.  She didn't release it to radio stations of tv music stations.  No she released it at People.com.  If you want to hear it click here.  After I listened to it, I think it is safe to say that Mel isn't banging her for her musical talent.
  
  Ah...this is the sleaziest person in the universe.  Her name is Megan Hauserman.  You may remember her from being naked in Playboy and nearly naked in such shows as Beauty and the Geek, Rock of Love, I Love Money, and Charm School.  Notice the last three shows were all VH-1 reality series.  Well a long time ago I reported that VH-1 was casting for her very own reality series in which one of the requirements to be a contestant was that the man had to be a millionaire.  Well I give you the announcement of Megan Wants a Millionaire.  It's set to hit VH-1 in August.  I can't wait.  They have even given us photos of the contestants.  Go here and here.  My money is on Donald....to be the first eliminated.
  
  You know, Megan Fox may not be a prolific thinker but she does know how to get men to throw dollar bills at her.  Some women can pull that look off but when Megan tries it just screams "I give handjobs for Lifesavers."  And that saying, my dear readers is for another day, you just have to remind me to tell you.
  
  Lindsay Lohan posted the photo on the left recently on her Twitter.  Didn't she once try to regain popularity by posing nude for a photo shoot?  OK, Linds, please no more nude shots.  Anorexic coke whores are not attractive.  Also in Lindsay news, she is being investigated by Scotland Yard for the theft of $500,000 worth of jewelry from the set of that photo shoot.  Who the hell leaves Lindsay Lohan alone with $500,000 worth of jewelery?  That's like leaving me alone with the open tab of the bride's father at a wedding reception...HEY, I DON'T KNOW YOU!  WANT A DRINK COURTESY OF THE BRIDE'S FATHER?  Just kidding, by the way, Happy Anniversary J and L!  Sorry I missed it but I didn't think you needed a third wheel around.  Oh and Happy Anniversary Croatian Sensation and I don't know your nickname oh and Happy Anniversary to the Kegmaster D and Freedom...basically Happy Anniversary to everyone whose wedding I stood in some fashion although most of those weddings I wasn't standing, more like wobbling especially that one where Skinny Wolf passed out during the sermon.  INSIDE MEMORIES ARE AWESOME!
  
  That's Jeff Archuleta on the left.  He's the father of last year's American Idol runner-up David Archuleta.  Jeff was banned from backstage at American Idol because of his stage-father antics.  He was more of a diva than his son.  Basically, I hated the guy.  Anyway he was recently arrested for solicting a prostitute at a Utah massage parlor.  I read up and I found out there are many massage parlors that double as brothels.  Man, I thought they just went the extra mile for me because I had personality and was ruggedly handsome. 
  
  Urinal cakes featuring Gene Simmons promoting his reality show, Family Jewels, have been appearing in urinals around the country.  Apparently they also speak and Gene makes fun of your little manhood.  Gee, that's what I've always wanted to do...piss on Gene Simmons.  What am I Chuck Berry or R Kelly or Ray Jay?
  
  Guess the ass!  This desperate housewife has been quite desperate to have a summer without her husband around but his NBA team was knocked out early in the playoffs.  Eva Longoria.
  
  Since Cristiano Ronaldo survived his run-in with Medusa...I mean, Paris Hilton, he needs a hard massage.  So is that the happy ending I hear bandied about in the massage vernacular?
  
  Guess the ass!  I think it is safe to say that this ass belongs to the star of the movie that will be the biggest hit of the summer.  Bruno...Sacha Baron Cohen.
  
  Here is Bruno doing promotion for his movie which hasn't been released yet.  Somewhere Eminem is furiously jerking it.
  
  Barry Manilow turned 66 this week.  Why would I include Barry Manilow in the Round Up?  Slow week?  No, he writes the songs that make the world sing and he writes the songs that you sing in the shower.
  
  True Blood is back on the air.  I really need to see that show.  Anna Paquin is an amazing actress.
  
  Britney Spears made a surprise appearance at a McDonald's in London this week.  OMG!  That is HUGE!  Let me catch my breath.  You know that is like Amy Winehouse showing up at a crackhouse or Paris Hilton at a free clinic or God at church.  She is where she is supposed to be.  Also, people close to Britney are saying that she is engaged to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.  He's her agent turned lover.  You know marrying Britney makes financil sense.  Why only settle for making 10% from his client when he can make 50% when he divorces her?

  Video Section
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  So Richard and Sal from the Howard Stern Show took advantage of the recent protesting outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater.  Seriously, take some time to listen to how misinformed those people are.  I was crying, not tears of laughter but tears of sadness as to how stupid people are.
  
  So I know I have one person on here that is a huge Daisy of Love fan.  I know because you admitted it.  Well I was surfing around and I found something you might be interested in.  It's sort of a late birthday present because I haven't been able to give you what I got.
  Well I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I hope all the fathers out there have a great father's day.  I am heading to the casino for some rest and relaxation.
  

  • 2:06 AM
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