July 4, 2009
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Celebrity Round Up 7/3
Sorry about the lateness. My parents asked if I wanted to go out for supper. I think the only reason they ask me is because then they have me decide where to go. I picked a Mexican place, had some fresh tortillas, Modelo Especial, burritos, and washed it all down with a huge glass of horchata. I love that stuff. I came home and watched Saving Private Ryan. I figured I had to be patriotic. Tomorrow I plan on dumping tea bags on the stairs of my city hall and in the front yard of the town's mayor because of all the proposed taxes they levying to pay for a new hospital. I'm a dick like that. Time for the round up.
I think celebrities went into hiding with all the recent deaths.
Adrien Brody gets a lot of women despite his lack of fashion sense. Maybe I should start dressing like that. Of course I will have to wax my veritable forest on my chest.
I feel bad. I tend to focus on things I like and ignore my female readers. I like to talk about boobs, butts, and a sundry of other nicknames for various other areas of the female anatomy. Well all that is changing. I am just going to focus on Jessica Simpson's shirt. I don't think that is a very quality material. It doesn't appear to keep her warm but it is pretty with the colors.
Famous TV pitchman Billy Mays died this week at the age of 50. He tried to sell me everything...OxyClean...some sort of special ladder...ESPN 360. Speaking of ESPN they have pulled all their ads featuring Mays. I think since his death on Sunday I have only seen one of his commercials but Discovery Channel had a fitting tribute of a TV series he inspired. Billy Mays will be missed, I guarantee it.
TV and movie legend Karl Malden passed away this week at the age of 97. This guy was a great actor, so where is the wall to wall media coverage of his death? Strangely Malden was from the same town as Michael Jackson...Gary, Indiana. Karl will be missed.
Mollie Sudgen passed away this week at the age of 86. She played Mrs. Slocombe on one of my favorite British comedies, Are You Being Served? Mollie went to the big department store in the sky and if you knew the show then you would know that Heaven is a bit brighter with all her wigs and talk of her pussy...wait for the video section.
Vibe Magazine passed away this week at age 17. I saw the headline this week that said "Vibe Shutting Down" and I thought, "Where will women get their pleasure without a vibe?" The magazine is going out of business after 17 years. The print industry is horrible. It's easy to blame the internet but the simple fact is, people don't read any more. I mean if it wasn't for Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Rush Limbaugh, half of America wouldn't have the papers read to them.
Rihanna is in trouble with the New York City Health Department. The other day Rihana went into a tattoo parlor in NYC and took control of the tattoo gun and tattooed three workers at the parlor with an umbrella and a letter R. It is unlawful in NYC to tattoo without a license. Since she tattooed three people, her fine could be in excess of $3000. Ah...let's just blame it on Chris Brown.
I have been upset that the U.S. media has not made mention that former U.S. representative Cynthia McKinney has been kidnapped by Israeli troops when she attempted to take a shipment of humanitarian aid to Gaza. NO, we have to be told that Michael Jackson is dead and see the video of his last practice session. Fuck that. We need to get the beauty that is Orit Fox to go in there and bust heads to rescue Cynthia McKinney and then President Obama needs to get Orit to set up a Palestinian state because they will be mesmerized by her beauty and won't be able to refuse. I CAN'T QUIT YOU!
Paul? Actually that is Mariah Carey. Yes, it is her. I checked...wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more. Mariah dresses up like Eminem for her new video for a song entitled Obsessed. She went for the Eminem look because she claims he is obsessed with her. I think in his last few albums he talks about her so maybe Mariah is on to something. Anyway this is getting as creepy as Xanga.
I love Lily Allen. She was performing at the Glastonbury Music Festival this week. She looks like something out of Rainbow Brite but I still love her. I mean just listen to this song.
Lindsay Lohan had a huge party this weekend at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. They actually paid her about $70,000 to hold her birthday party at their venue. What kind of party was it? Well it was her birthday party. Lindsay turned 23. Holy crap...23! What a mess! I hope my corpse looks like that after I have been dead for 23 years.
Speaking of a mess...America, we need to talk. You need an intervention. No it's not because of taxes or racism or anything like that. It's because you are buying Lady Gaga's music. Please stop. If you stop then she will go away, simple as that. She'll hop aboard a UFO and go back to her home planet or maybe she will enter Assholes Anonymous.
A photographer caught this shot of Julianne Moore. I have seen newborns that are tanner than her. That looks so sick but then in her defense she does have fair skin. You know the only way she could get whiter is if she listens to Hootie and the Blowfish.
I know I tend to leave politicians out of the celebrity round up but I couldn't resist this story because it sounds like something that happens to celebrities on a weekly basis. Apparently there is a sex tape featuring John Edwards floating around. He filmed himself having sex with the women with whom he had an affair. I wonder if that got released in January of 2008 if we might be talking about President Edwards.
I never noticed this but England's finest rose and lady in waiting, Jodie Marsh, has a tattoo of Michael Jackson on her forearm. I know it's hard to make out since it is upside down but yes that is MJ. Here we see the slimy, cold-hearted, beady eyed snake posing alongside a boa constrictor.
Janice Dickinson was photographed at the beach with a gentleman caller. Actually that was the first time a male of any species has been near her nether regions since her senior prom in 1938.
Last week I posted this photo of Courtney Love saying how she needed to gain some weight. This week on Twitter, Courtney discussed how her doctors told her she needs to gain weight. She said she wants to get back to what she weighed in 1996 for The People vs. Larry Flynt, 192lbs. Well, Courtney, I can help you on the journey. You know that money you make for whatever it is that you do and also the residual checks you receive on behalf of your late husband Kurt Cobain? Yeah, you take the money you get from those checks, put some in the bank, and then you spend some on food and do not spend any on Booger Sugar.
I think we now know were Chasity Bono is getting her inspiration for her upcoming sex change operation. If I didn't know any better I would say they were twins or that she is Jonah Hill's mother.
Britney Spears was photographed visiting her church this week...Starbucks. I have to admit that Britney is looking quite good as of late. I think she is out of that shaving head and beating cars with an umbrella routine. Ah...you know sometimes I would just love to be a straw.
When Britney is finished with her European tour, she is looking for new work. She is in negotiations to star in a film. I'm not making this up but she is trying to get the lead role in a movie where she would play a modern day woman who creates a time machine and winds up in World War II at a Nazi prison camp where she falls in love with one of the Jewish prisoners. They escape the camp and then make it back to the present day but I don't want to ruin the possible ending. My only comment about this is, haven't Holocaust survivors suffered enough?
This is the last photo taken of Michael Jackson and OK! Magazine bought it for $500,000.Video Section
Here's Karl Malden in one of my favorite movies, A Streetcar Named Desire.
Here's Mrs. Slocombe delivering some lines about her pussy. And then people wonder why I love that show so much and yes, I know she is talking about her cat. Double entendres can be funny.
Well I am off to watch A Streetcar Named Desire. Everyone, have a great weekend.
Comments (27)
She is scaaary white. There might be ghosts tanner than her. yuck
Aww, I didn't know they died. I love Mrs. Slocumbe and Humphries!
These were great! Thanks for the snickers. The Lindsay Lohan crack was a good one and Julianne Moore, my God, she looks like a vampire that hasn't been fed in months. Big hat cookies, snakes, lots of fun today. Britney trying to lap out of a cup like a dog because nobody will teach her how to use a straw. It's a good thing we're not mean.
Miss Julianne Moore.... Im not against pale skin, in fact I think I used to be that white. But, I cant help but think a little sun is good for you. Granted at this point if she spent 15 minutes in the sun unprotected she'd turn into a lobster. But they have these tanning beds now with a 1% chance of burning. So I experimented with those beds around age 24... and having a tan... wow... was like having another body. I recall being shocked as hell when I'd wake up in the morning, throw back the covers and see my golden skin against white linens. I felt pretty damn sexy.
However you can have too much of a good thing. Or at least I thought so when I lived in Hawaii. There were 19 year olds with crows feet from being under the sun, surfing. However, wrinkles, sun spots, and cooked skin was not something people were overly concerned with there. It was more of a sign that you were living life, as opposed to hiding from it. On the mainland, people are constantly freaking out if you even walk to your car without long sleeves, umbrella, and sun screen.
Eminem versus Mariah... I gotta say, I love Eminem. I used to listen to him when everybody else listened to Britney Spears and the Spice Girls. In the battle over better lyrics and tact: Eminem wins. Always.
I hope Rihanna can draw well. lol
Your shirt analysis is awesome!
Happy Independence day!
@ your comment- thank you I thought I should be patriotic without being totally obnoxious.
I love your writing, being an ass is one thing but you do it with humor. I'd love to see you writing some of these articles instead of the politicallt correct douches trying to make everyone happy.
Enjoyed them. Hope you enjoyed Streetcar.
goddd Julianne Moore I thought I was white! She looks like she could glow in the dark lol
Yeah Britney is all better now so yayyy.
@storyslut -
I love Are You Being Served. I worked a retail job and that show hit home so often.
@XxSignInLockxX -
I wonder how fast it takes her to burn
@dikdoktor -
Britney is sort of special so I bet people have tried to teach her how to drink properly but it just hasn't set in yet. If I could remember the bookie who took bets on which celebrities would die within a year, I would now put my money on Lindsay.
@theladyofabundance -
I don't mean to poke fun at the fair skinned people. I think you get vitamins from sunlight. I used to be able to stay out in the sun forever without having problems but now I am out a few minutes and I start burning but that is because of medicine that I take. I hear the tanning beds and spray tans are actually healthy because you don't run the risk of melanoma.
I know people around here that are getting leathery skin at age 23. See we have tanning salons in a town of 1300. I think it is because there are many gentlemen's clubs in the area and the dancers need to be their goldenest for the clientele.
When I was in high school I spent a month out of the summer living on a rock formation on the Wisconsin River. A couple of my cousins and I decided to attempt to live a traditional Ho-Chunk lifestyle. When I wasn't working I got so much sun and my hair turned very dark and I looked like I was a full-blooded native American.
@Olyachka -
I am not much of an Eminem fan. I found how he got famous in Detroit so tasteless. It was nothing like what was portrayed in 8 Mile. He would set up shows and advertise other Detroit acts being on the show to get people to attend.
@nattata -
Rolling Stone just has the photos of her doing the tattoos but not any photos of the actual finished product but from what people have said, the tattoos were quite simple.
I should become a fashion expert.
Thank you! My Independence Day was not that exciting. I stayed in and worked on a project and then had some hotdogs because I couldn't find any Weisswurst and then I watched fireworks. Strange question: What is the German national holiday?
@IHearTheOcean -
I saw a car on the fourth that had a model ship on the roof and a sign that read "tea party" and it had tea bag dangling all over the sign and the car. Then of course they had the American flags for the car windows. I love my country but I hate those things.
Thank you, I always wonder if I write too harshly when I do these.
@curiousdwk -
Thank you. There are certain scenes in Streetcar that I have memorized. I always fancied myself an obese young Brando but I was told by my mother that I had a face perfect for radio so I gave up on my acting dreams.
@CanadianConspiracy -
When I look at the photo of Julianne Moore, my eyes can't look for long because after a few seconds I start seeing this haze come from her body.
@meanii -
Yes, Britney looks much better but she still has things she needs to work on. The good thing is that she is surrounded by people who are concerned for her well being unlike Michael Jackson.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Hm if put in a conventional oven, maybe three days?
@godfatherofgreenbay -
You won't make much money on that bet. I just wonder will it be from an overdose, Sam killing her or a car crash while she's intoxicated. I heard Britney is going to take some advanced literature classes as well. Her Mom bought her "The Little Engine that Could" after she finished "The Cat in the Hat" You go girl!! hahahahahahahaha Thanks Godfather. Another fun post!!!!
Julianne is whiter than Casper. Lohan looks a mess and you really killed me with the Britney went to her church thing. hahahahahaha. Fun read. Really entertaining.
@faustuosa -
Thank you, the thing with Britney going to "church" was noticed a couple of weeks ago when she went to a Starbucks in London and was all dressed up and flanked by guys in suits and the architecture of the store reminded me of a church plus she seems to worship Starbucks so it seems fitting.
Lindsay is a mess and I am expecting an explosion or major arrest one of these days.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
hahahahahahahahahaha! you are just toooo funny! Why haven't I stumbled across your profile before? I need to thank Paul_Partisan for recommending your post.
@faustuosa -
I tend to stick in my own corner here on Xanga. I started this some 4 years ago to keep in contact with all my friends with whom I graduated from college. For the most part they all stopped using Xanga because they all got married and had kids. Man that makes me sound pathetic because here I am on Xanga totally single. Oh well. I don't think it was until last summer or or so when I started "venturing out" amongst other Xangans. I enjoy my anonymity.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
haha yeah, she definitely makes me feel better about my paleness.
Comments are closed.