July 9, 2009
-
eHarmony
I am single and it has been really eating at me. I guess it really has bothered me recently after I found out that one of my college friends was engaged to be married. I was happy but then I realized that I was the last person from my circle of friends and fraternity to remain unmarried and single.
I have ideas of why I remain single and unmarried. When I was in college I was undecided about having children and that seemed to be a major goal of nearly every female that attended my school and by saying I was unsure that labeled me as being “weird” and not the marrying or dating type. Yes, dating at my school was different. You chose dates based on whether or not you could see yourself marrying the girl.
Jealousy overtook me and I was clutching my brandy old-fashioned when I saw a commercial on the TV for eHarmony. It appealed to me because they said they were having a free weekend, and lord knows how frugal I am with money, I decided to give it a shot. Also one of the features that made the light bulb turn on inside my head was that they made matches for you. I am lazy when it comes to dating…well that and I tend to go after women that aren’t ideal for me. My last relationship fits into that category. I met a woman that had two children under three. It wasn’t the children but it was her lifestyle that weirded me out. I asked her if she was dating anyone and she came out and admitted she had “friends”. My inner Biz Markie started singing, “Come on, I’m not even goin’ for it.” I asked, “Friends?” “Yeah, well I live with my ex and so I give him sex a couple times a month to save on rent money. Then I have another guy friend. Then I have my girl friend who I had to get because the two guy friends won’t pleasure me orally.” (I had to clean up that conversation a tad) Well I was turned off faster than a prom dress is flung to a dirty hotel room floor. So, yeah, eHarmony seemed to be ideal for me.
I filled out questionnaire after questionnaire. I was getting bored but then I realized that this would give me the ideal match. I would have the perfect woman. After I finished I sat back and waited and waited and waited. I checked my email repeatedly hoping and praying that my matches would be what I am looking for. And then the started rolling in to my inbox.
My first match:
I think we were matched because I answered some questions that said looks didn’t matter as much as personality. I guess she had a lovely personality but I couldn’t get past the snakes in her hair.Match #2
I am pretty sure that we were matched because I mentioned that one of my favorite books is Huckleberry Finn and she looks like she came from that time complete with the corncob pipe.Match #3
This is Virginia and she claims that she is from Japan and is looking for a big(in places that count), strong American man to satisfy all her desires, first and foremost becoming an American citizen and integrating into American culture. Basically she wanted sex and money but probably not in that order and not in an equal proportion. There was something awfully suspicious about a girl from Japan named after a commonwealth in the United States…yes, commonwealth…LOOK IT UP! I think Virginia is playing me because I probably received an email from her here on Xanga just a few days ago:
I`m Virginia !!
I really feel shy, but I have to tell u, that you`r just a man of my fantasies … It was a wonder to detect ur but at present I`m sure it`s a destiny!)) U`r amazing… but I know for sure that in ur real life you`l impress me more and more:again and again! )) btw that`s incredible… but I am from Minneapolis too!
I`d like to become acquainted with you, Godfatherofgreenbay! This site removed all my photos… (the most revealing pictures I hosted here: http://menmatcher.com/account/851802384/
Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you`ll take a look at them and will write me smth 2 start our thrilling challenge ))
love u honey
NO! She is playing me because of…Match #4
This is Dorothy Rodriguez. I was smitten. In case you are wondering, I’m like Crayola and if you need explanation, don’t ask. Well Dorothy liked a lot of the same things I did and she was just the perfect match for me. I mean she liked the exact same movies and same bands. I was surprised that anyone besides me had heard of the movies Vulgar or Spaceman or the bands Umbrella Sequence or Kid Dakota. But Dorothy knew! Then it hit me. She sent me an email to Xanga as well. It read:
I am Dorothy I really feel shy, but I have to tell you, that you are just so cool… I detected ur page randomness but now I`m sure it`s a destiny!)) You`r super… but I am sure that in your life you`l excite me again and again !!!
I`d like to keep up a friendship with u, Godfatherofgreenbay! This site does not accept my pics… ((the most spicy images I uploaded here: http://love2lover.com/account/85169148/
Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you will take a look at them and will write me smth to start our thrilling challenge ))
now kiss you I began to well up with tears.
Match #5
Nothing.So they matched me up with Medusa, a woman old enough to be my great grandmother, and two bots that have also sent me the same emails here on Xanga that they did on eHarmony. Maybe I should try match.com. I hear that is working for Jon Gosslein.
Well maybe marriage or relationships aren’t meant for everyone. I guess that is why God gave men opposable thumbs.
Comments (36)
Maybe I should get matched? Looks like you’ve had a lot of success.
ROFL!! I LMAO’d throughout this entry (minus the part about you being single and unmarried)! What a great post…!
match.com isn’t much better….
Please explain Crayola to me.
LMAO! Best of luck Matt
.
geez man, a caution before the medusa picture would have been appreciated. anyway, eharmony makes it look so easy in their tv commercials. if nothing works out, try the indian eharmony known as shaadi.com.
i can’t remember if i tried eharmony or match.com i would like to say if either was a momentary lapse in judgement. you have to answer so many questions to get to the actual choises. once i got to the end there were only 3 men to pick from. and i have to say my choices weren’t much better than your old lady and medusa. i decided to delete my account and forget about it.
EHARMONY REJECT MEEEE
i once did that out of curiosity of who i would get, but when i finally finished their stupid 100 hr test, they said i was incompatible with every single person on the site…bastards!
Arhhh! I gonna skip the EHARMONY and everything similar because I don’t want to end up having heart attacks!
lol!
Muahahahahaha…..
This is crazy! You should definitely find a matching site that…works!!
I’m afraid your best shot was probably eHarmony, but if you didn’t have luck there, your luck at other sites will be just as bad. Match.com and many others have “free” options where eHarmony wants you to pay except when they have the weekend special. Plus, there are soooooo many questions they ask, most people who aren’t looking for a real relationship and just want a fling will drop off before the end of it. So… Good Luck!?! lol <3 SuZ
Never used eHarmony, but Match.com worked pretty good for me a few years ago. I was moving to a new city and this girl found my profile and e-mailed me. We agreed to meet at an amusement park and although I enjoyed myself, the impression I got from her was that there was no chemistry. I deleted her number and thought nothing else of it, until 2 weeks later I get a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize, and it was her. She wanted to know why I never called her, so I told her, and we ended up dating exclusively for a year or so afterwards.
A female friend of mine has used eHarmony with the same luck as Match.com…none. I think it has less to do with the website and more to do with the person. She’d never admit to it, but she’s one of the most negative and cynical persons that I’ve ever met. I don’t know a guy on the planet that wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time. I’m single by choice now and pretty cool with it. I go to a bar/club about once every 3 months, dance my butt off and get all the girls…then I go back to my reality where I’m not really into the scene. I don’t think all of us are supposed to be “tied down” anymore. I just like to have fun now.
i know people who got married from match.com
i tried eharmony just for fun once and if i remember correctly i was rejected.
A couple years ago I filled out an eHarmony profile because I was bored and because a friend had been rejected as unmatchable or something like that so I wanted to see if they thought I was matchable. they had a deal where they’d find some matches for you and let you see their profile but you couldn’t talk to them without paying a fee. My first match was a lady more than twice as old as me and quite ugly. Then I was matched with about 4 moderately age appropriate women who lived all over the United States and all of whom were smokers when I’d said I wanted a non-smoker. That was when I decided it wasn’t even funny and closed out my profile.
I explored match.com and was terrified. Not only did I say that I wanted men close to my own age… I got men in their 60′s and men who said they wanted children (on their profile) even though mine clearly states I dont want ANY.
Dont feel bad because the cows of the world want to reproduce. Granted we have a population shortage…
You should watch Revolutionary Road. I loved it! My married friends… not so much. >:)
@theladyofabundance -
All those dating sites scare me. It is so daunting that by answering a few questions they will be able to find my perfect mate.
I think most of the girls that went to my school were only there to get their mrs degree.
I haven’t seen Revolutionary Road but I have heard that the reaction from married people was much like how my friends reacted to American Beauty. They came from “perfect” Christian families so when they saw that a family was having difficulties and argued and cheated, it was too much for them to handle. Oh and I have only met one married couple that had positive things to say about “Little Children”.
@Olyachka -
Good luck!
@mZdejavuZ -
Thanks! I was aiming to be funny and not too whiny.
@ChocolatMenier -
When I got out of college and all my friends were getting married, someone made a profile for me on match.com and I would get phone calls from one of their offices in Minneapolis wanting me to come in and be interviewed. At that time I was so busy with my career that I didn’t have much personal time and in that personal time I mostly slept to revive my energy.
@Shy___Away -
One of Crayola’s old slogans was “We come in every color”
@kachino -
Thank you…I’ll have to email you about my endeavors in NHL 96 for my SNES instead of my dating life.
@royal_diadem -
Sorry about the photo. I’ll do better next time. I will have to give that site a try. When I was teaching high school, I had some students give me brochures on mail order brides. I felt so pathetic after that.
@NightlyDreams -
Yeah the tests were unbelievable and then the results weren’t worth the time I spent on the tests. To get decent results I had to expand the area I was willing to travel.
@M00nDoll -
I think one of the funniest things I have ever seen was someone took a screenshot of their rejection letter from eHarmony. They asked him a question, “What do you really want in a girl?” The guy quote a Bloodhound Gang song and answered, “Me.” I can’t believe they rejected that; he was so honest and open with his feelings.
@RestlessButterfly -
Yeah run away from eHarmony like it is the plague
@musterion99 -
Thank you!
@starrynite45 -
There are a few out there that I have signed up for just to see who is on there from my area and it seems like the pickings are slim.
@VioletMoonDancer7 -
Yeah, I realize those are my best options but I have come to an understanding that not everyone is meant to be married or have some one with them. I think it would put a damper on my independence.
@afburd -
I’m with you, I don’t quite like the idea of being tied down and I like the independence but there is jsut something about the possibility of spending a life with someone that is…romantic?
@smile_dolphin_gal -
They have such strange standards at eHarmony with who they let use the site and who they don’t.
@mrcolorful -
I always wonder how they figure the matches and if they even read my likes and dislikes. I am worried that if I use one of those, I’ll be matched with a girl who listens to nothing but Weird Al and watches The Nightmare before Christmas on a daily basis. Oh wait…those were girls I dated on my own matching.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
I just assumed they were giving me the people that they couldn’t find any matches for and were desperate to try and get off of their rolls.
@godfatherofgreenbay - There’s no doubt that the idea of spending your life with your soul mate is romantic. I’ve always said that I’d love to be married to the right woman…but my ex-wife was not the one for me. Oddly enough, I find that I attract tons more women (albeit, not the kind I’d want to marry) by consuming myself with selfish activities (i.e. Doing what I want, when I want.). It’s as though they see my “freedom” and envy it. My roommate said I need to meet someone on my “level” (a pharmacist, doctor, nurse, etc.), and the more I think about it, the more I find myself agreeing with her. Good luck in your search!
LOL! This is a riot! You poor bastard that didn’t deserve any of that!
I can personally say that yes, the web does work to meet people sometimes….hell, I met both my husband and my girlfriend on the internet!
I feel for you though…the screening process and generic bullshit is disheartening to say the least. Chin up though sugar and watch out for those crazy wenches with kids and blowjob rent favors!
This will sound crazy, but I found my girlfriend on Craigslist…it’s free and you might have better luck!
@ExposedWrists -
Thanks for the encouragement. I will have to look at craigslist a little longer.