July 11, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 7/10

  I had an interesting day today.  I had this need to get out.  I read some Jack Kerouac last night during a thunderstorm.  It was a fun day.  I ended up approaching people randomly and talking.  I visited a pawn shop, a tobacco store, a casino, Ocean Spray cranberry bogs, and a liquor store.  The liquor store was fun because I found so many beers that I have yet to have or that I had thought were discontinued like the mighty Hopalicious.  Anyway time for the round up.
  
  This week featured one the largest media events of our time.  The Michael Jackson memorial service drew in thousands of people to the Staples Center and the major news networks drew in millions of viewers.  Jennifer Hudson was one of the performers.  She has kept her pregnancy a secret but I think it is now safe to say that she is expecting.
  
  Corey Feldman showed up at the Michael Jackson memorial service.  People didn't know why he dressed like Jackson but they boiled it down to two reasons: he was really close with MJ or he wanted some media coverage.  I am going to say the latter based on his interviews leading up to the service.  I am thinking of taking bets as to how long it is before he announces that Jackson molested him or was his lover.  All I'll say is that there is a book in the works detailing one or the other.
  
  All the stars were in attendance for Michael Jackson's goodbye.  Here we see Kirstie Alley being led into the Staples Center.
  
  Michael Jackson's long time friend, Elizabeth Taylor didn't want to be part of the whoopla or so she announced via Twitter.  I think it was more for the fans anyway.  I have found it interesting that many celebrities aren't talking about Michael Jackson and it has been revealed that some publicists are telling their clients to be silent until the cause of death is announced.  They are just looking at what happened with Chris Benoit.  Everyone jumped on board and expressed such grief and then it was announced that he murdered his wife and son and then killed himself.  The WWE won't even mention his name in their website or history books.  He no longer exists.
  
  Ashlee Simpson has announced that she is planning on releasing an album of Michael Jackson covers.  In this case a more fitting tribute would be if she moonwalked all over his grave.
  
  Tito Ortiz spent the July 4th weekend fishing with his girlfriend Jenna Jameson.  Sadly the only thing that Tito caught was crabs.
  
  Rihanna celebrated July 4th in style.  She had starfish on her breasts.  I think the founding fathers would be so proud, just as proud as they are of VH-1.  Speaking of VH-1, a recent discover unearthed a copy of the very first reality program.  It starred James Madison and was called Rock of Love Carriage.  How else do you think he could bag a babe like Dolly?
  
  Heidi and Spencer Pratt tried to celebrate the 4th of July but they just ruined everything.  Great, because of them, the terrorists have won.
  
  This is Rupert Grint.  He plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies.  While filming the next Harry Potter movie, Rupert came down with a case of the swine flu.  Hmmm that is interesting...he catches swine flu and his character goes to Hogwarts...Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
  
  Emma Watson is getting pretty good at flashing her magic cauldron.  I think muggles and wizards alike have flesh wands standing at attention for her.
  
  J.K. Rowling looks so thrilled to be at the premier of the new Harry Potter movie.  I think she wishes she could cast a magic spell and go back and never write the books either that or she is thinking of buying one of those new magical wonder bras.
  
  I bet you are asking who this guy is and why he is on the celebrity round up.  This is Oscar Meyer.  He passed away this week at the age of 95.  He served as president of Oscar Meyer from 1955 to 1996.  I was curious as to where the media was for his death.  I bet more of us have eaten his meat than listened to Michael Jackson's music.  Then think of Oscar Meyer's memorial service, the food table must have been immaculate with all the bologna and hot dogs and lunchables.
  
  Do you realize how many of my dreams start with Olivia Munn holding a paddle?
  
  Morgan Freeman is divorced from his wife.  She divorced him because he cheated on her and there is speculation that one of the people he cheated with was this lovely young lady.  Freeman is planning on marrying this girl.  Who is she?  His step-granddaughter of course.  He's 72 and she's 27.  You know what, I don't care.  Morgan has played God and the President so he can do anything he pleases.
  
  Mischa Barton sure has changed over the past few months.  I can't put my finger on it but I think she has changed her eyeshadow or maybe the weight gain is a direct result of the munchies she gets from all the marijuana that she smokes.  You know, it's probably the eyeshadow.
  
  When Michael Bay decided to make Transformers 2, he knew that Megan Fox would return for her role but he still wanted to make her do an audition.  That audition tape may soon be coming to your computer.  He had her come over to his mansion and then said that her audition would be her washing his Ferrari and then he secretly filmed her doing the car wash.  I think that is fitting since some people have described the Transformers movies as nothing more than a long car commercial.  Anyway this is giving me ideas for casting my movie.  I will have the actresses over to my place and tell them it really needs cleaning especially the mattresses.
  
  Madonna performed in London this week.  Is she doing what I think she is doing on stage....having a mid-life crisis?
  

  
  

  Lily Allen posed topless for ID Magazine.  I'll be the first to say that Lily isn't a supermodel but there is just something about her and it's not just that she's naked.  She also posed as a plushy panda bear.  That's one of her new found fetishes.  Oh, Lily, you are such an animal.
  
  America's favorite baby daddy is telling people that he is in the process of writing a tell all book about the Palin family.  Levi Johnston's first revelation into what the book will contain is his view on why Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska.  He claims that she wanted to write a book and then be able to accept money for public speaking appearances and book tours.  Apparently she was upset that as an elected official she couldn't accept money for appearances and she has John McCain to blame for that.  Blasted campaign reform legislation!  Levi's also telling people that he is working on his acting skills because he has been offered a part in a movie.  MY GOD!  People, they are cloning human beings!  This guy is a clone of Kevin Federline!
  

  
  

  Lady Gaga has found the perfect look and music sound in the first two photos.  Maybe she is covering her face because she was threatened with fines for public indecency.  If she was smart she would market that face thing to followers of Islam or poker players...because her song is Poker Face.  In the bottom photo it looks like Lady Gaga has found the perfect top.  Now she just needs to work on the crap that she wears on her head.
  
  Some photos of Holly Madison's last photo shoot for Playboy surfaced this week.  I think it was a veiled attempt by Hugh Hefner to keep her at the Playboy Mansion forever or maybe it is her way of telling Hef that Cris Angel is more exciting.
  
  So after posting nude photos of Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, and Holly Madison, I thought it would be fitting to give something to my female readers.  Here's some of the man meat that is Kevin James.  You're welcome.  Who loves you, baby?  Now where did I put my lollipop.(mini for anyone who figures that one out)
  
  Kendra Wilkinson was talking about her future parenting discipline and she said that she is going to be a strict Christian mother.  I need to go find that Bible passage that is about posing nude and the standard tip for a lap dance.  I know what tip I'd like to give...ZING
  
  Fergie was talking about her wedding presents this week and she revealed that she received a stripper pole for a wedding present.  You know a stripper pole is what I want for my wedding but first, I need two things: a wife and Walmart to start selling stripper poles.  Wait...I probably could go into the hardware section and find everything that I would need to put a stripper pole in my bedroom.  WEEKEND PROJECT!  I need the practice before I get married.
  
  Courtney Love has defied the medical world.  She turned 45 this week.  This photo was taken a long time ago back before she started to resemble a stick figure.
  
  Ladies, I bet you thought that Kevin James was your only treat.  Here's Christopher Meloni from Law and Order SVU.  I look at his arms and remember back to when my arms were that small, which was probably freshmen year of high school.
  
  Ah...the Beckhams.  The family that poses in their underwear for Armani is the family that does...stuff together?
  
  I am rejoicing!  This week it was announced that Baywatch is being turned into a major motion picture.  It's being remade and as of now there is no intention of bringing back the original cast.  Another movie was announced this week as well.  T.J. Hooker is being produced and it will include members of the original cast like Adrian Zmed and Heather Locklear.  What's next...Family Ties...Cop Rock...Small Wonder...Arrested Development...oh wait, yeah Arrested Development would be good and is in the works.
  
  Aaron Carter is ready to make a comeback.  he said on Twitter this week that if you are his 25,000 follower, he will go on a date with you.  Now does he supply the meth and coke or is that left to the follower?
  
  Britney Spears spent some time in Paris, France this week with her children.  She looks great and I don't blame her kid for getting touchy-feely with Britney.  I think Britney is allergic to bras because every time we see her, we see nipples.  I think I have seen her nipples more than I have seen mine, especially Ol' Leftie.  Oh and while I was looking at her chest, I noticed her necklace.  So she's Jewish now? 

  Well I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. 
  

  • 3:23 AM
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