July 18, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 7/17

  It was cold today.  The high temperature was 63F.  The normal high for this day in July is 83F.  20 degrees below the average temperature.  So I am sitting here in a hoodie and sweat pants giving you the celebrity news.  Ladies, I hope you are more happy with this edition.

  I forgot to say this but there are some images that may be NSFW.

  
  Walter Cronkite passed away at the age of 92.  He was the CBS news anchor from 1962 to 1981.  It was interesting listening to people talk about his career.  He covered D-Day and jumped into Normandy.  He became a household image when he announced that JFK had died.  Millions remember Walter as he cheered on the astronauts as they took the first steps on the moon.  Uncle Walter was an American icon and he will be greatly missed...and that's they way it was.
  
  In Vanessa Hudgen's next movie, Sucker Punch, she will be playing a foul mouthed prostitute.  It is also rumored that she will be getting nude during the movie.  It's good to see that she is trying to shed that Disney image but any easier and more efficient method would be to spend the evening with me.
  
  In an attempt to stay relevant, Soulja Boy posted this photograph on Twitter.  He was trying to prove that he is endowed.  I don't know.  Personally I think he just put a bottle of shampoo down his pants.
  
  Shirley Jones, of Partridge Family fame, is 75 years old and she decided that it's time that she posed for Playboy.  She took 300 shots and when Hef saw the photos, he thought there should be more nudity.  Wow...Hef must be getting senile or going through a midlife crisis because usually he passes on female nudity after they turn 19.
  
  I was going to play guess the ass but I think this one is too obvious.  It's Serena Williams in case you didn't know.  She defies gravity and sometimes I think I should set up a shrine to worship her glorious backside....OK...
  
  Ryan Reynolds has been cast to play Green Lantern in an upcoming movie.  He will play a guy who meets an alien who has come to earth to find a special someone that will wear his powered ring.  That sounds sort of like the premise to Scientology.  I think Tom Cruise wants to play the alien after he saw this photo of Reynolds.  Look for The Green Lantern to hit a big screen near you in the year 2011.
  
  Phyllis Diller turned 92 this week.  Honestly, I thought she had died years ago.  So I guess this proves that in the event of nuclear war the only things that will survive are cockroaches and Phyllis Diller.  So I wonder what her plans are for this year.  Movie comeback?  Sextape?  And I have been stricken blind...
  
  Paris Hilton went shopping this week and a paparazzi caught Paris at her best angle.  So that is 100% legal?  Looks like I am going to be spending some time at the mall tomorrow.
  
  Pam Anderson...must...eat...brains...All that cosmetic surgery for her breasts has left them looking great but her face.  I guess you can't reverse the aging process.
  
  For those born after 1990, Molly Ringwald played the hot redhead in most every 80s coming of age movie.  This week she gave birth to twins.  The girl is named Adele Georgiana and the boy is named Roman Stylianos.  Hmmm Roman Stylianos is a cool name but it sounds like a Greekified sexual position. 
  
  Apparently Lindsay Lohan didn't get the memo that the white trash hooker who gets busted on Cops look isn't in this season.
  
  Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa were at the most pointless and useless awards show last weekend, The ESPYs.  If I was Kobe, I'd be smiling too.  Why would he ass rape a hotel desk clerk in Colorado when he had that at home?  Thumbs up, buddy!
  
  Katie Perry was performing at a music festival in Scotland this week.  So why am I posting this photo?  I like shiny microphones and also I found out that Katie is Scottish.  I don't think we come from the same clan because her family name isn't the same as my clan.  Oh...I forgot to mention, Katie's Scottish name is Funbags O'Plenty.
  
  It appears as if Justin Timberlake is getting ready to make-out with this paparazzo.  Actually Justin pissed of the cameraman for some reason and they had this stare down.  Justin almost got his ass kicked.  I know this for a fact because look at the camera dude.  He has very little hair so what would Justin be able to pull?
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies.  Jon Gosslein was out shopping in NYC this week and I am shocked that he isn't being swarmed by hundreds of women lusting after that body.
  
  Johnny Depp has said that he wants to play Carol Channing in a biopic of her life.  I had no clue that Hollywood has become dry for original ideas that they are considering making a biopic about Carol Channing.  Depp says that he loves Channing and with the help of technology he could do justice to playing her in a film.  He is a talented actor but I don't know if that talent translates into a tuck job.
  
  Jessica Simpson is heartbroken.  Tony Romo broke up with her the day before her birthday last week.  She was devastated and canceled her Barbie and Ken themed birthday party.  Tony celebrated by going out to a bar and making out with random cougar skanks.  Jessica was going to console herself by eating some cookie dough but Jennifer Anniston, with all her break-ups, has caused a shortage.  Jessica took to Twitter where she said the following: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." and "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."  Do I feel sorry for her?  NO!  I would dump any girl that threw a birthday party for herself and had a theme of Barbie and Ken...WTF!  Tony got out of there in the nick of time.
  
  Harrison Ford turned 67 this week.  He celebrated by filling out Medicare forms and reviewing the next Indiana Jones script.  Obviously this photo was taken a FEW years ago.
  
  David Spade ruined the punchlines of hundreds of jokes this week.  He answered the age old questions, "How many celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb and how much does it cost?"  The answer to the first is none.  He had to call a repair service to come to his house to change a blown lightbulb.  The cost was $555.  Breaking it down, that's $250 for the company to show up, $250 for labor, and $55 for the lightbulbs.  In David Spade's defense, he isn't tall enough to reach the sockets.  Thankfully this has given me a new business idea.
  
  Here's something for the ladies.  This is Dave Batista.  He is a wrestler in the WWE and wrestles under the name Batista...how original!  Well he is a wrestler and not a brain surgeon so I'll cut him some slack.  He was photographed while on vacation this week.  His work is pretty hectic so he needed to get away from beating people up and attempting to fit through doorways.
  
  Courtney Cox and David Arquette announced that they were set to star in Scream 4.  They said taht they fell in love on the set of the first Scream movie and so by doing this one it will be a way for them to celebrate their anniversary.  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?  I stopped watching after the first.
  
  Christian Bale is a serious actor.  He is dropping weight for his role in a movie called The Fighter where he plays a boxer who turns into a crack addict.  You know I look at him and I can't see him as a boxer.  He looks more like Screech in a Saved by the Bell reunion special.
  
  So this is Channing Tatum.  He was in some stuff and well I hope this makes up for my post from last week.
  
  This is Braden from Big Brother 11.  He was the first contestant eliminated.  Braden was an interesting person.  He claimed to have been sexually intimate with up to 40 Playboy Playmates but these are screen shots from a softcore gay porn.  Braden was probably eliminated for a tirade in which he threw out racil slurs against all the minorities in the house and also the host of the show.  I would have shown that clip but the man took it off youtube.  Oh and I was going to say, "Here's a little something for the ladies" but...well...next.
  
  Jesse and Russell, two other contestants on Big Brother 11, got very close this week.  When they legalize gay marriage and have gay wedding receptions, there is going to be a need for cake toppers.  I think an awesome cake top would be the groom bench pressing the other groom.  How cute would that be!
  
  Guess who's back!  Amy Winehouse returned to London this week after having spent the last 6 months in St. Lucia.  When she left, the island of St. Lucia actually moved two inches to the left because all teh residents breathed a sigh of relief when her plane departed.  So far since Amy has been in London, she divorced her husband Blake, spent time in the recording studio, and prepared to face criminal charges of assault.  All in a weeks work...I ahve to say, she does look somewhat healthy.

  Video Section
  Hustler is making a porno movie based on Lindsay Lohan's life. There are two surprises with this movie.  The first is that the trailer is safe for work and on youtube(I should have known better since many porns have their trailers on youtube) and I am also shocked that Lindsay isn't actually in this movie.
  
  Mel Gibson's girlfriend has a new music video out and it was prduced and directed by Mel himself.  I couldn't find anything anti-semtic in the video but proceed with caution.
  
  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

  • 1:47 AM
  • 44 Comments