August 15, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 8/14

  I am back with another round-up.  I have nothing much to say other than I am suffering from asthma attacks because there is this damn professional tractor pull outside of town and the fumes are coming into my house.  The website for the event sounds sort of fishy.  It's charitypull.com.  That sounds like an act performed by a hooker for a discount.  Anyway on to the round-up.

  
  I had some sad news today.  Reno 911 was canceled.  I loved that mess.  Well I guess this means that Lieutenant Dangle won't be dangling out of those shorts anymore.
  
  Miley Cyrus performed at the Teen Choice awards.  She brought out a stripper pole to aid her performance.  Why incorporate a stripper pole in an act that is geared for 10 to 14 year old girls?  WTF are we doing to our kids?
  
  Here is the rest of the Cyrus clan outside of the Teen Choice awards.  Noah, Miley's 9 year old sister, did a performance just like her big sister but more on that later.  I have on good sources that Noah is a huge Ramones fan and she listens to them all day while sitting in her room and wearing her Che Gueverra shirt.  Or maybe she just bought them at Target because old bands and political icons are fashionable even if the kids have no idea who they are or what they did.
  
  This is Mallika Sherawat.  She is in Inglorious Basterds.  MUST SEE INGLORIOUS BASTERDS!  Now I need alone time.
  
  WTF?  Levi Johnston and Kathy Griffin showed up as a couple for the Teen Choice awards and the next night they were on the Larry King Show.  I bet Sarah Palin didn't see this one coming on that back porch.  Levi is quickly becoming the K-Fed of the Arctic.
  
  Les Paul, the Wizard of Waukesha, died this week at the age of 94.  If it wasn't for this guy there wouldn't be anything called Rock 'N Roll.  He basically invented the electric guitar.He also came up with multi-track recording so that musicians could record their music and then sing over it on tape.  The music world owes this guy so much.  Les will be greatly missed.  He will definitely be missed in Waukesha.  I only knew two things in Waukesha and one was Les Paul and the other was a bar called The House of Guinness.  That place was awesome except one night when I was there the former and may I say washed up keyboard player from the Violent Femmes did a show.  I was there with a bachelor party and besides us, the staff and the performer, Sigmund Snopek the Third, there were only five people there and I think 2 of those were friends of Snopek.  Anyway he sucked and he ruined a traditional Irish bachelor party.  So many stories.
  
  After the success of the Transformers movies and G.I. Joe movie, it was announced this week that a LEGO movie was in the works.  I wish they made the MASK movie before this.  I bet it will be a success.  What's next?  A movie about Lincoln Logs?  Erecter Sets?  Well I guess I wouldn't mind seeing a movie based on some toys but then you'd have to ask about that.
  
  Larry King and his wife Shawn Southwick recently celebrated an anniversary.  Because Larry is 75 years old and has had heart problems, Shawn dials 9 and 1 right before they have sex and leaves the phone off the hook just in case.
  
  I warned Khloe "The Hulk" Kardashian about not wearing that outfit out in public.  But no she went ahead and wore that zebra print.  Right after this photo was taken The Hulk was shot at by a big game hunter who was in hunting zebras.  I was going to make a joke about Khloe being mounted but that would give me nightmares.
  
  Katherine Heigl recently complained about filming The Ugly Truth.  In one scene she has to wear vibrating underwear.  Well they did about 35 takes so she said that she had 35 orgasms and that it was horrible.  You know...you just can't please some people. 
  
  Jessica Simpson is supposedly now dating Colt Brennan of the Washington Redskins.  The Redskins are the archrivals of the Dallas Cowboys, the team of Jessica's ex, Tony Romo.  So she goes from a starter to teh third string.  She goes from an all-pro to a guy who had the state of Hawaii on his hair.  Way to go, Jess!  It is also rumored that the reason Tony broke up with her is because she is a drunk and wouldn't seek treatment.  She would get drunk and then make a fool of herself and tony.  Cowboys management urged him to end the relationship.  Oh this season should be fun.
  
  Jennifer Hudson finally confirmed the pregnancy rumors by giving birth to a boy whom she named after the father David Daniel.  I am a bit jilted that they didn't name him after his father's reality show name, Punk.  Jennifer and Punk said that they would get married at a later date but before that they have some things they want to achieve.  Oh yeah, he's trying to get into the WWE.  Maybe they will get married when he wins the championship. 
  
  Here's something for the ladies.  Even though he looks like that, Jack Nicholson probably gets more women in one week than most men get int their entire life.  Woe is me.
  
  Heidi and Spencer made a debut of her Playboy cover at the premier of the G.I. Joe movie.  How classy!  In the magazine there are actual words and Spencer said, "Life with Heidi is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges."  What?  Who pays for porn?  Spencer can't do anything right.  Heidi went on to say that she wasn't sexual before she met Spencer and now it is something she looks forward to.  Something Spencer is looking forward to is in the interview Heidi said Spencer enjoys her fake breasts and she plans on making them bigger.  How clASSy!  Oh and I think porn would be better than sex with Heidi because with porn you can always press teh mute button.  If you want to see the pictures for free, here they are.  The site is NSFW but the pics actually appear that they could be safe.
  
  Guess the ass!  This Milwaukee native was a hot up and coming starlet and then she disappeared but now she is back in a big way.  Heather Graham.
  
  A while back I mentioned that there was going to be a movie made about the Three Stooges.  Shortly after I posted that, Sean Penn dropped out of the cast.  Then they replaced him with Paul Giamanti.  So it would have been Benecio del Torro as Moe, Paul Giamanti as Larry and Jim Carrey as Curly.  Well, Carry realized that the movie was shit so he just dropped out of production.  I think they should just drop the movie before Curly starts doing his spinning move in the grave.
  
  This is Alessandra Ambrosio.  She is eating an ice cream cone. Umm...ugh...homina homina homina...I need some alone time.  You know sometimes I feel as dirty as mancouch but at least I have expanded my horizon to women other than Megan Fox.
  
  This is Ali Lohan.  She is Lindsay's 15 year old sister.  How can a 15 year old look like a cocktail waitress from the airport Hilton motel?  Better yet can a girl be jailbait and a cougar at the same time?
  
  
  And now for the name dropping portion of the round-up.  Dave Coulier is a friend of mine over on the facebook.  For some reason Dave thought it would be a great joke to buy a large sized bra and reunite with the cast of Full House and have them sign the bra which he would then auction on his site.  Too bad Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky weren't there.  Top left...Kimmy Gibbler signs on Uncle Joey's head.  Top right...Danny Tanner feels up the bra.  Bottom right...Stephanie Tanner signs, wow, she is looking great since she lost 170lbs of deadbeat husband.  Bottom left...DJ Tanner signs on her kid's head.  I don't think her brother would approve because he looked at his WWJD bracelet and he knew he wouldn't do that.
  
  Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth to a baby boy this week.  He was named Isaiah Timothy.  He weighed 7lbs 6oz.  Now the strange coincidence is that the baby weighed the same amount as View co-host, Sheri Shephhard's lunch.
  
  Cheech Marin married his Russian girlfriend last weekend.  It was quite the event.  The flower girl came out throwing buds into the crowd.  The bride's dress was made out of hemp.  After the wedding everyone feasted on Funyuns, Taco Bell' 7 layer burritos, and cake, lots of cake piled high with frosting oh yeah and Faygo.
  
  This is Carla Bruni.  She is one of two FLIFs in the world.  Let that sink in for a while.  To understand, you may have to look up who she is.
  
  Brooks and Dunn made an announcement this week.  They are changing their band name to Brooks and Done.  Yes, they are splitting up because they said that they just don't have any more material they can write.  What?  Does this mean there will never be another song about drinking beer?  If they split up, I think that would be the case.  I mean they write songs about drinking and some brewery made a novelty beer called Beer 30 and it has taken off.  My local liquor store can't keep it on the shelves.  Why am I doing a report on country music?  It seemed like a slow week.
  
  Just when I thought Amy Winehouse couldn't get any sexier, she decides to go out in public and suck her thumb.  It has also been rumored that Amy started a facebook account for her cat and she has made comments on her ex-husband's account.  In Amy's defense, she probably has done so many drugs that have fried her brain she probably thinks that the cat is telling her what to type. 
  
  Britney Spears' kid has felt her up twice as much as I have.  Britney was being interviewed this week and her oldest son interrupted by saying "shit" repeatedly.  She ignored the child as the interviewer sat back in horror.  Britney can't be bothered with her children swearing.  I mean she has to worry about how she is going to get her next batch of Cheetos.
  
  Britney Spears is such a southern belle.  With all the money she spends on make-up and stylists, this is the best she could do.  Maybe it is time to go somewhere other than Walmart for beauty supplies.

  Video Section
  Here's Miley's performance from the Teen Choice Awards
  
  Not to be outdone, Miley's little sister, Noah, worked the pole as well.  We need a word for this...prostitots?
  
  Dane Cook actually made a funny joke at the expense of everyone's favorite sexting celebrity, Vanessa Hudgens.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I will be gone.  I have to take care of some family business in Chicago-land this weekend.  I still have to go find a pair of mechanix gloves.  The K-mart didn't have them in my size.  No I am not going to sort out waste management disputes.  It's a birthday party.  If you write an awesome post and you want me to read, send me a link.  Hopefully I'll be back on Sunday.

  • 12:27 AM
  • 34 Comments