August 17, 2009

• The Hidden Benefits of Smoking

  I came across this list whilst looking through the groups to which former students belong.  One student had joined a group on facebook called "I Enjoy the Hidden Benefits of Smoking".  I joined and two minutes later he left.  I used to smoke cigars and cigarettes.  My cigarette habit at its highest was one pack every two weeks, that was a difficult summer.  My cigar habit...during the school year it was two a day.  I have been smoke free since July 3rd of 2007.  Anyway here is an edited list.  I originally posted this when Xanga was being overrun with ads from Truth.  I found it odd that an anti-smoking campaign was funded by a tobacco company.  Also this weekend I went away and I get back there are all these posts about smoking so I thought I had to fit in...peer pressure is a bitch.  Oh and while in Illinois I saw some signs outside all restaurants saying that they banned smoking and people were not allowed to smoke within a 15 foot radius of the entrance, and I can imagine some of those hardcore anti-smoking people taking otu their tape measures to make sure they were outside the 15 feet.  Anti-smoking...now that is Nazism since the Nazi regime was the first world government to institute smoking bans. 

  1. Being able to start conversation with strangers by asking "hey, can I get a light? 2. Being the envy of every homeless person and getting the satisfaction of telling them "sorry, I’m all out" when they ask to bum a smoke. 3. Having the ability to leave any boring or uncomfortable situation by saying "oh yea I’m just gonna step outside for a smoke". 4. Getting that little extra kick after smoking pot. 5. Blowing smoke in peoples faces when they give you that nasty "you're poisoning my air" look. 6. Having a few cigarettes in place of a meal when the food is just so god awful terrible. 7. Being united and bonded with other smokers because you all feel like prisoners of war huddled in a little smoking section or out in the cold, rainy weather. 8. Being able to stay awake all night through constant chain smoking. 9. Revealing hidden laser traps like those in Metal Gear Solid. 10. Feeling truly European while visiting Europe. 11. Being super classy because you're doing what EVERY single movie star, business mogul, famous musician, military hero, and great politician did from 1920-1950. 12. Supporting fine American corporations like Altria Group and RJ Reynolds, which donate millions of dollars to various charities, the Federal government, and schools. 13. Always having a lighter on hand, because then if you get lost in the wilderness, you can make a survival fire while the other non-smokers freeze to death rubbing sticks together. 14. Burning perfectly round holes into paper, especially in photographs of people you plan to off. 15. Being able to enjoy many delicious combinations, such as alcohol and cigarettes, weed and cigarettes, blow and cigarettes, food and cigarettes, coffee & cigarettes, etc. 16. Having a much more practical means of masking the weed smell of a recently hot-boxed car, rather than using axe or Lysol. 17. Feeling fucking amazing when you have a cigarette right after sex. 18. Feeling older, more sophisticated, and more badass than your peers if you smoked cigarettes in junior-high. 19. Second hand smoke=second hand coolness; smoking=source of coolness.   20.  Smoking gives you something to do on those long drives.   21.  Smoking lets you join an exclusive, cooler, more mature club.   22.  Can appreciate blues and jazz music all the more when smoking.    23.  Helps you control appetite.   24.  Don’t have to do as much work as non-smokers because you get smoke breaks.   25.  Don’t have to wait at restaurants because the smoking section is never full.   26.  When you smoke, you never have to worry about constipation.   27.  When you smoke, there are less mosquitoes around you.(So true, I lived in Minnesota where the mosquito is the state bird.)   28.  If you frown while smoking street gangs will fear you (unless they are smoking).   29.  Smoking turns boys into men and men into legends.   30.  Smoking gives you the ability to attract better looking, mature women.   31.  Flicking cigarettes at people who annoy you is cooler than shouting at them.   32.  Cigarette smoking has been medically proven to off-set the effects of Parkinson’s Disease, ease the effects of OCD, and chemically reduce stress.   33.  Cigarette smoke dissolves cholesterol.    34.  Cigarette smoke helps get rid of those pesky leaches that stick to your legs after swimming in one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes.   35.  Smoking makes you impervious to harsh climates.  (I quit smoking and now I complain about the weather) 36.  Our president smokes and how cool is he? 37.  The Nazis instituted smoking bans.  You wouldn't want to be like Hitler, would ya?

  • 3:28 AM
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