August 22, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 8/21

  I had the perfect day planned.  I was going to call up J to see if he and wife and child may want to go eat at Old Baraboo Inn and then possibly look into seeing Inglorious Basterds.  Did that happen?  NO!  Last night for some odd reason my cellphone rings at 2:30.  I had to take my dad to the hospital for an appointment and while he was in the appointment, I checked out the crypotbank.  I was thinking of making a deposit but I have to wait two months without expelling any of my soldiers.  I figured I might as well get paid for it, not like I am using it for any good purposes.  So my mom and aunt also came along and that meant shopping.  I am glad I went because I went into a Petsmart and got a toy cigar for my cats.  It is filled with catnip and well one of my cats is a junkie.  She is just going nuts with it.  She bit me when I tried to take it away.  Then we ate a Chinese place and I think I got a touch of the food poisoning.  I came home and was thinking that I have about an hour or two but I crashed.  Ugh...some other time...ROUND UP!

  
  Due to a recent Traci Bingham surgery, the World Health Organization announced that the world is officially out of silicone.
  
  What the hell is Ruth Bader Ginsberg doing out of the courtroom and taking photos with guys in wife-beaters?  Wait, that's not Ruthie?  It's Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.  I would make a "Dude looks like a Lady" joke but he was seriously hurt and doesn't look to be in the best of health.  I hope he gets better soon.
  
  Sean Penn and Robin Wright have had a yo-yo marriage the past few years.  One minute they are happy and the next they are filing for divorce because he can't keep his little Spicoli in his pants.  They reconciled recently and this week she filed for divorce.  This time it looks like it will stick.  They are already making conditions for custody and have agreed to no spousal support.  For her sake let's hope this is true.
  
  Robert Redford turned 73 this week.  I enjoy his work and his movie festival and his movie theater.  My next goal in dealing with Robert Redford?  I have to style my chest hair just like him.
  
  Ricky Martin seriously loves his twin boys.  I mean he SERIOUSLY loves them.  Look at how serious he looks.  Also I have to say he has a pretty good body.  He shed that pregnancy weight in no time.  I guess dirty diapers and vomit do a body good.
  
  Pam Anderson and Suzanne Sommers were spotted out on the prowl.  Why do I get the feeling that they are heading to a back alley to give hand-jobs for half-smoked joints?  It's just another case of the blonde leading the blonde.
  
  Meet The Vamp.  This is a sex toy inspired by the movie Twilight.  Now, wasn't there some sort of abstinence message in Twilight?  Anyway the whole gimmick of this toy is that when you take it out in the light, it sparkles.  This is the actual catalog description: "Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.  Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today."  I think I just threw up a little.  Oh another question, aren't most of the fans of this series underage and impressionable girls? 
  
  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are set to star in Darren Aronofsky's new movie, Black Swan.  Early reports indicated that Natalie and Mila have an "angry and aggressive" sex scene together.  Well it looks like Black Swan is on my must see movie list for 2010.
  
  Madonna turned 51 this week.  I hope that she has a happy birthday.  Wait...I bet you thought I was going to make a pussy joke. 
  
  Lily Allen, please don't cry for me.  I still love you and I am feeling somewhat better.  She actually hurt her back during a recent performance and her pain medicine wore off.  Maybe she needs Paula Abdul's supplier but of course Lily doesn't have time to visit a veterinarian.
  
  So I am pulling out the Enquirer.  I saw the headline about Kirstie Alley.  You have to look closely to the headline to see the tiny print that says "experts predict".  Kirstie has went off the handle and has encouraged her Twitter army to attack the Enquirer reporter that wrote the story.  She has also thrown out the Scientology term "fair game", which is Scientology's way of posting personal information about people that defame the cult.  Thus far Kirstie has posted this reporter's phone number and address.  So the best thing to do would be to dismiss this but no, she has personally attacked people.  That says a lot about her "religion".  The funny thing about her involvement in this pseudo-religion is that Kirstie isn't really a full fledged member.  That's according to the Scientology expert I have on retainer.  Don't ask, I couldn't tell you anyway.  The "church" only recognizes her as a parishioner and not a spokesperson or staff.  So basically Kirstie just has a big fat mouth to match her big fat body.
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies and maybe the guys.  Kenny Chesney announced that he was starting his own fashion line.  Let's hope that he can design a quality shirt and that this line contains absolutely none of those shells he always wears.  I'm hopeful to see what he can come up with in terms of matching outfits for him and Peyton Manning.
  
  Katy Perry recently admitted that when she was a little girl, she prayed to God to give her giant breasts.  It looks like God delivered the goods.  This leads me to a theological question:  why does God answer the prayers of a girl to give her big boobs yet he lets people in Africa starve to death?  This is beyond me, I think I will take that to a pastor.
  
  This is Kanye West's girlfriend Amber Rose.  She isn't modest at all.  I was going to post the topless photos but oh well.  I am getting mellow in my old age and decrepit state.  I just need to find me a girl that will put up with me and wear something like that.
  
  Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father.  I am shocked that he was able to reproduce given all the nut shots on Jackass.  Oh and prepare yourselves for a baby typhoon.  Not only is Johnny expecting but so are Jude Law, Colin Farrell, Kourtney Kardashian, and Celine Dion.  I was going to mention that baby machine in Tunisia but she was exposed to be a fraud and just some mental patient.  So with all the babies one the way....jizz the season.
  
  Why are all these damn paparazzi following me?  Wait...that's John Goodman.  It's like I am looking in a mirror.  John is known for having a healthy appetite and here he appears to be satisfying that urge for whippets.
  
  Jessica Simpson is being pushed to be a judge on American Idol.  I can't sing, I take that back, I can't sing like they sing on that show.  But I am going to try out if she is a judge because I have two secret weapons: Twinkies and MORE TWINKIES!  With those two weapons I am guaranteed a victory.
  
  Holy crap!  Jennifer Anniston still has a fan!  HA-HA!
  
  Speaking of fans, does Fabio always carry one with him wherever he goes?  Seriously, dude, give us regular guys a chance.
  
  I don't have a Twitter account but this photo is making me consider jumping aboard the Twitter train.  For some reason Courtney Love posted this photo on her Twitter.  Honestly, the only reason I want to get Twitter is so I can follow her craziness.
  
  Brad Pitt said that since he has kids he no longer does any illegal substances.  Well, Quentin Tarantino came along and said on the Howard Stern show that Brad smoked a lot of pot during the filming of Inglorious Basterds.  When they wrapped up filming, Brad gave Quentin a block of hash.  Wow, he may not be a saint after all.  Q also said that Brad smoked pot like an 8th grader which meant that he smoked it out of a Coke can....so many memories.  You would think that with all the money he commands for a movie that Brad would have a solid gold bong.
  
  Alyssa Milano got married last weekend.  It started off as an elegant wedding.  She wore a Vera Wang dress and walked down the aisle to John Lennon's "Imagine".  The reception took a strange turn.  Guests were seated on rattan furniture and hay bales were used as cocktail tables.  The economy must be hitting her pretty hard.
  
  I always thought it would suck to be one of Britney Spears' bodyguards.  I mean you have to put up with her kids running around and pissing and crapping everywhere, her constant smoking, the late night Cheeto cravings, mood swings, and the Taco Bell demands.  But you know what, this is what makes it all worthwhile.
  
  Britney Spears was on Letterman this week and she offered a Top Ten List.  I was upset because she didn't mention Cheetos, Taco Bell, or Pall Malls.  Here is the list, typed and not in video form because apparently the people over at CBS don't like their intellectual property being shared on youtube.
  10. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon
  9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo
  8. Free pie for everybody
  7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Vegas
  6. I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance "Circus Fantasy?
  5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
  4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
  3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by end of decade
  2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
  1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.

  You know what?  She'd make a better candidate than Palin.
  
  This has to be the best headline involving Britney Spears that doesn't involve her physically.
  
  Producers have approached Amy Winehouse to appear on the UK's version of Dancing with the Stars.  Amy Winehouse + live TV = PURE BRILLIANCE!  Amy needs her own TV network to follow her 24/7 escapades.
  
  In sad reality show news, Ryan Jenkins, of Megan Wants a Millionaire, is sought for the murder of his wife Jasmine Fiore.  This story has been all over the media and I will spare you all the details.  He meets this girl Jasmine in Las Vegas and they are married two days later.  Strange stuff.  I hope this guy is caught and it's not because of the show.  He seemed like such a manipulative douche on that show and I couldn't stand him.  VH-1 will be suspending the airing of the rest of the season of Megan Wants a Millionaire.  The funny thin is, he is probably one of the finalists which means he is in every show.  Also, immediately after filming of Megan Wants a Millionaire, he was on the next installment of I Love Money.  See this exposes VH-1 for how far in advance they film their shows.  Ryan's friends have came out and said that he won the whole thing.  Right now VH-1 hasn't announced any plans for that series but I suspect that they will never air the series or possibly just film another season.  This is creepy and I have a sneaking suspicion that he will not be caught because he is in Canada and they will not extradite people who are facing capital crimes.  Also this Ryan's father owns a private jet and the last I heard, it was missing.

  Well that is all for this week.  I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend.
  

  • 2:32 AM
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