August 29, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 8/28

  I went to a football game this evening.  My hometown was playing the school I attended.  It was delayed about an hour because of a thunderstorm that rolled through.  This state has some weak rule that outdoor sporting events, especially football, not being played while there is lightning.  Anyway my school won.  Other than that my day was pretty boring.  I was excited to see the reaction from my last post.  Anyway on to the round up.

  
  This is Rupert Grint.  He plays Ron in the Harry Potter series.  Rupert turned 21 this week.  I love the tribute in this photo.  I wonder how many people get the tribute.
  
  There was a report earlier this week that Robin Williams said that he would be playing Susan Boyle in a movie about her life because the film's producers thought his portrayal of Mrs. Doubtfire would be a perfect fit.  I actually think it is because they have about the same amount of body fur.  I guess I won't have to worry about this because it turns out that it isn't true.  Now, I would pay to see a movie where Susan Boyle plays Robin Williams.
  
  Paula Abdul will be back on live TV.  She is going to host the VH-1 Diva Show.  Miley Cyrus is set to be there as well.  Wow, she is a giant compared to Paula.  It must be all the time she spends training on the stripper poles.  I have thought it was weird that Miley would be included in a Divas show.  Was Clay Aiken booked?  Honestly, Richard Simmons is more of a diva than Miley.
  
  This is Patrick Stump.  He is the lead singer of Fallout Boy.  He was arrested this week, not for making sappy music, but for driving without a license.  This may be the first time that I have seen him without a hat.  How can a person of that fame not have a driver's license?  I guess making music so awful that it makes me want to rip out my pubes with my bare hands keeps a person busy.
  
  Mena Survari went from being one of Hollywood's rising stars to a shill for vodka.  I guess she is doing all she can to stay afloat in this economy.  Too bad her job title is now "Paris Hilton"...because she totally shills for any company that needs an airhead spokesperson.
  
  There is a rumor going around that Megan Fox will be playing Catwoman in the next Batman movie.  The rumor is just that, total bullshit.  If they do cast her, it will be the downfall of the Batman series, just like the first set of Batman movies.  They just tried to get the biggest named stars to play roles and it sucked.  Besides Christopher Nolan has said that he dislikes the Catwoman character and would not include her in the movie.  I now offer my reason for not having Megan Fox play Catwoman, I hate her.
  
  Matthew Perry was enjoying a meal at a restaurant but he had to complain to management that a nearby table was making a ruckus and he couldn't enjoy his meal.  The people that were causing a ruckus: Vince Vaughn and Zach Galifinackis.  Man, Matthew is getting old if he is complaining about the noise.  Maybe he wanted to enjoy his meal of prunes and metamucil so he wouldn't miss a single exciting minute of Murder She Wrote.  Maybe the ruckus was causing his tea to get cold or maybe he had an arthritis flare-up.  Somebody get him some Werther's Originals.
  
  Macaulay Culkin turned 29 this week.  God, it is hard to believe that he and I are the same age.  What isn't hard to believe is that I have accomplished more than him in the past five years.  Wait, he has me bat because he is banging Mila Kunis.
  
  Lindsay Lohan had her house robbed this week.  Apparently all that was stolen was video tapes, photographs, and legal documents.  People have said that all of these, if made public, could be very embarrassing to Lindsay.  A sex tape or nude photos wouldn't be embarrassing or shocking.  She has already posed nude and there were alleged sex scenes that have been released.  Now what could be shocking?  That she only grossed $40 in 2008?  I bet it is that she has filmed a sequel to Herbie...that would be awful.
  
  Why do people criticize Lily Allen for having a flat chest?  I absolutely adore this girl.  She was performing this past week at a music fest in England and she was jeered for her breast size.  I have heard that there is more to women than their breasts.
  
  According to a recent Twitter post, Lauren Bacall hates Twilight.  Here is the post: Yes, I saw Twilight - my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the 'film' was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau's 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, 'Now that's a vampire film!' And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!   YES!  She is right on!  Actually if you watch Nosferatu make sure you get the 1922 version.  There is a very disappointing version from the 70s.  I really admire Lauren for saying this.  I hope she doesn't get attacked by any Twilight fans.
  
  Lady Gaga, I love your fluffy merkin.  Is that to cover up the tuck job of the alleged penis that you possess?
  
  In looks like Katy Perry likes to go to third and second base in front of 50,000 people.  She likes to touch herself in front of thousands of people?  I guess she missed her true calling as a porn star.  I guess we can always be hopeful a sex tape surfaces.  Now for the pervy comment: normally I hate strawberries but I would devour those.
  
  Katherine Heigl is such a tease.  Maybe she is scheming for an extra 20% discount from that salesman.
  
  Joe Francis, the founder of Girls Gone Wild, beat up a former Playboy Playmate, Jayde Nicole, the girlfriend of Brody Jenner.  Apparently Jayde saw Joe hitting on a woman in the club unrelentingly so she threw her drink on Joe who didn't like the alcohol abuse so he grabbed her by the hair and punched her in the face.  She fell to the ground and he started kicking her.  Security broke them up and took Francis outside the bar.  Jenner followed and tried to punch Francis but someone with Joe had a taser and shocked Brody.  I hope Joe Francis gets this taen care of because we wouldn't want this story lingering thus making people think he disrespects women.
  
  Oh, Jennifer Tilly, you are my favorite Oscar nominee turned professional poker player and World Series of Poker bracelet winner.  Now just stay away from going all in on an ace-ten off suit and making Chucky movies and I will remain happy.
  
  Heidi Montag recently said that Britney Spears is her idol and that she "inspires" to be just like her.  Yes, that is what she said.  I see that she is inspiring Britney's intellect.  Here's a tip: Heidi, before you speak, make sure you possess a brain.
  
  It is rumored that Derek Jeter is engaged to Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly.  I hate the New York Yankees, Derek's team, so this post may seem slanted.  Do you read Maxim?  Well look at their Hot 100 list and you will see every woman that Derek has slept with in the past ten years.  This guy has accomplished so many of my childhood dreams.  Winning multiple World Series, sleeping with major Hollywood starlets, being a multimillionaire...I think there are only two things that I have done in life that Derek hasn't.  One is pee standing up and the other is having a kick-ass Xanga.  Of course Derek probalby laughs at Xanga because this blogging community is Kansas City Royals or Detroit Lions of the social networking sites.
  
  A while back I did a post about my least favorite comedians.  I am currently working on a list of my favorites.  I was iffy on including David Cross but this solidified his inclusion.  This is the jacket from his new book.  He is all kinds of cool.  Here's what it says: David Cross is a two-time award winner as well as a three-time award winner.  He was part of Mr. Show and Arrested Development.  He has done-and still does- stand-up comedy.  He is a Jew/atheist originally from Atlanta.  He speaks four languages and three dialects.  He writes, loves, and eats in the NYC area.  He is a Red Sox fan.  In fact, he has a dog named Ollie Red Sox.  He is a true patriot and a great American.  Hi is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn. ......Here's the funny part.  The guy in the photo is not David Cross.  That is Amber Tamblyn's father.  Oh Thanksgiving dinner will be fun!
  
  Carrie Prejean is trying to remain relevant.  She has expressed interest in appearing on the next edition of The Celebrity Apprentice.  Donald Trump has expressed interest in having her cast as well.  He says she is attractive and opinionated....not to mention moronic.  This is merely a ratings ploy.  Hey, Carrie...14:56...14:57...14:58...
  
  Have you seen the commercials for this IHC.com?  It acts like a warning for the forthcoming events of 2012.  I went to the site and registered for the lottery so that I can be saved after the shit goes down.  Actually this is just a movie.  Adam Lambert has already recorded a song for the movie.  Brian May has said that this song is perhaps one of the best songs he has ever heard and that it will most definitely be a number one smash hit.  He also said that Adam will take music to new places...hopefully those places aren't too weird.
  
  Ryan Jenkins, one of the contestants on the VH-1 reality series Megan Wants a Millionaire, was found dead in a British Columbia hotel this week.  He hung himself on a towel rack.  He was able to be identified with his finger prints while his wife was only able to be identified with the serial numbers on her breast implants because of how he disfigured her and chopped her up.  Ryan, you're a pussy.  You kill your wife, you flee to Canada, and then you kill yourself.  What a fucking brilliant plan!  I am so sad that your intelligent mind was taken from us so suddenly.  You could have cured cancer using those great smarts.  I hope you enjoy burning in hell.  I hear there is a special section just for you and it's called Chop and Rape Land.  Make sure you get there early and try the corndogs....pussy
  
  Megan Hauserman, Megan from Megan wants a Millionaire, looks like she is holding up well since her show was canceled because that pussy killed his wife and himself.  VH-1 will not reveal who won and have no plans on airing the rest of the series.  They also won't air the third installment of I Love Money because that used douchebag won the whole thing.  I think the grief counselors recommended that Megan cope by dressing like this.  Hell, she dresses like this all the time.  So how did the show end?  I want to pretend that Megan came to her senses and brought back that old guy, Donald, and wound up marrying him.  It's either that or she fell madly in love with my fellow mafioso...I mean waste management specialist...and she became the next Carmella Soprano.
  
  In shocking news, OK maybe not so shocking, nude photos of Britney Spears surfaced.  Actually they didn't, I just thought the photo was fitting and had to be a little uplifting after the last two stories.

  Video Section:
  I end with sad news.  Reading Rainobow aired its final episode on Friday.  Actually the show ended in 2006 but they have just been replaying old episodes.  The contract ran out and PBS declined to renew it.  Let's hope that another network airs this show. 
  
  Well that is it for this week.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 4:20 AM
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