September 3, 2009
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Randomocity
I really need to bring back my tournament of randomocity but this time I will do all bands instead of random things. I just need to find the time.
I saw an ex-girlfriend tonight. I broke up with her because she wanted me to make a commitment. She was walking by with her husband and two kids. Man, some women just don't know when to stop playing hard to get. I'M NOT INTERESTED!
Those Burger King tiny hands commercials are bringing back childhood memories. My grandfather once imparted some wisdom before he died. He told me that I should find a woman with tiny hands. I asked why and he said that because her tiny hands would make my dick look big when she held it. I was 9 years old. This was the same grandfather who coerced me into drinking a beer at age 3 by saying that it was a fancy new soda pop called Old Style. I got drunk and fell down some stairs. He laughed at me and called me a lightweight. He also made me chew tobacco when we went fishing because he said the tobacco juice would make the fish bite better. It did but they were biting at the food that I threw up into the lake. I miss that guy, he's what you would call a "character".
Can I take your wife, please?
I am opening a ladies only massage parlor...too bad I don't have a massage license.
Good news everyone...I'm not pregnant.
Sometimes I feel like a five syllable word in a monosyllabic world.
I wonder if George Costanza could win America's Next Top Hand Model.
Chicken and Cat were sitting on the river bank when cat fell in and made chicken laugh. moral of the story: where there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.
Women have magic powers they can get wet without water, bleed without injury, make boneless things hard, and make men eat without cooking.
I...love...ellipsis...marks!
I sound like Larry King so...Picture Time!
I wonder what cup she has. Oh yeah, a tea cup.
So what exactly do they warm?
I can't think of a funny comment other than I think I should start following his Twitter.
I want the Dan Band to sing this flowchart.
This is why I avoid exercise.
I don't know if I ever told you this but teaching is hard.
I have thought about taking a teaching job in Japan but they have a strange curriculum.
There is this old saying that I despise: "Once you go quack, you never go back."
Here's a photo from a recent VH-1 casting call -or- Bristol Palin never quite figured out how to use a condom. Thank you abstinence only sex-ed!
I don't mind when ladies send me seductive photos but there is something amiss here. I feel so guilty looking.
I can't believe how retired that girl is. You have to enlarge to enjoy.
Save us, Obama wan Kenobi. You're our only hope!I leave you with Yahoo Answers and Cloud Cult
Comments (32)
Lol I did giggle.
Oh. My. Goodness. Your grandfather has had some effect on you. Yep. Definitely a character. LOL!
If I used twitter, I'd definitely follow Stevie.
Jesus loves the ladies. wow this is hilarious.
So, as we can clearly see there is Deus ex machina, plus a twisted sense of humor lol. Really now, exercise is good for you. Dare!
P.S. My grandad also got me drunk and then let me drove his tractor. Compared to him, I was sober.
Hi G. That last quip about the volcano and the guy eating "Corn on the Knob" is fucking hilarious! You made me spew my beer again you bugger. I hate wasting any of my last few beers at 9:39 am - the store doesn't open until 10 o'clock.
Your grandfather is a duplicate of mine. When I was about 6, he started slipping me beer on Sunday afternoons. I'd go over and visit after Church. One day, I started putting grapes into the Hungarian Pear Brandy, imitating Dean Martin with a martini. By 6 pm I was plastered, walked the 5 blocks home and my old man went totally ballistic when he saw me so drunk. He nearly kicked the hell out of his own father that day. Ahhhh, the good old days.One day when I was a pup, I swiped some pipe tobacco from my old man and decided to chew on it in our tree fort. Guess I saw too many westerns, guys spitting into a spittoon looked cool. After puking and wretching, my lips began to swell up and in and hour, they were so big, my Mom took me to the hospital. I'd better go. It's almost 10 and the beer store is open. hehehehehehe
Another terrific post man.
Thanks for the giggles.
lol So many good jokes! I really liked Steve Wonder's twitter, "retired" and the Yahoo questions & answers!
lol awesome grandpa
ahahaha randomocity... i'd follow ur twitter too
I LOVE YAHOO ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lol. This is great. You don't think you're a character too?
Retired . . . ! sometimes I shake my fist at the advancements we made in medicine. We have intervened in the natural order of things . . . people this stupid should not survive past childhood.
oh dear...it started out bad. i read the first part of your third paragraph, the one about your grandfather, and i was like "...i have small hands...really small hands...how should i feel about this after reading what i just read?" lol
then i kept reading, and the cat and the chicken made me laugh out loud.
and the pictures disturbed me but also made me giggle. so you're awesome.
Everyone should have a Grandpa like that. Every boy, that is.
I loved your post. It made me laugh out loud and I'm still chuckling.
@M_S_T_A -
Thank you...I try to make people laugh from time to time.
@Ampbreia -
Yes, he was a great man. He was one of the youngest business owners in the state of Wisconsin for many years. Actually I think he was until this whole internet thing sprang up. He made horse harnesses and also repaired and sold shoes.
@Lithium98 -
You know I really wonder if he does have one. I think most every celebrity has created a Twitter so that others can't make fake accounts.
@fading_roses19 -
Thanks...I wonder if Jesus loves being in porn.
@windoftheforest -
I prefer to be called a denouement. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, in this world as fun as driving a tractor after having a few.
@dikdoktor -
That sounds awesome. I am going to have to remember that when I want to imitate Dean Martin because I am not much of a martini fan.
That Yahoo Answers is a great place for laughs.
@nattata -
Oh thank you...I am glad I can be funny every now and then. That retired photo had me laughing so hard. I think I have a new insult.
@oulck -
Yeah he was great. I have so many stories of that guy.
@assassynative -
Maybe I should start a Twitter and type like him
@bosefius -
There was a blog that I posted a link to a while back that documented the stupidity found on Yahoo Answers. It was one of the greatest blogs EVER.
@TiRocKiinPiinK -
I guess he has rubbed off on me. Also there are many older people around here that claim I look just like him and a couple of older ladies have gotten confused and call me Teddy which was what all the ladies called him...his name was Theodore but most everyone called him Theo.
@jacksoncroons -
maybe universal health care wouldn't be a good idea especially if it benefited people like that.
@entendezmavoix -
Well I hope I'm not too scary but I guess it is all perspective and I think that goes for what my grandfather said.
Thank you...I have to say your writings are awesome.
@MelFamy -
My favorite time spent with him was during deer hunting season. I wasn't old enough to have a gun or a license for hunting yet but I walked with him in the forest. We were in for a snack i.e. beer and my grandpa had to make a deposit so he was in the reading room checking out how the Packers were doing and all of a sudden I see two deer walk through my uncle's front yard of his farm. I well to my grandpa. He bursts out of the bathroom, grabs his gun, runs through the house, opens the door, and fires four shots. He took down both deer and then he went back to finish reading. That was the tastiest venison I ever ate.
@curiousdwk -
Thanks...glad I made you laugh. I wanted to add to the one about women's magical powers that men can eat without cooking that I am suffering from a forced anorexia at the moment.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
haha, nah, you don't seem so scary.
and thank you kindly, good sir.
That'll teach them cloven-hooved bastids to trespass.
Comments are closed.