September 16, 2009

• Girl...Your Wish is My Command

  (this is the second of my "girl" writings.  The first can be viewed here.)

  Girl, what is it that you want from me?  Do you need me to get you feminine hygienic products?  I can do that.  Do you want me to squash that spider?  I can do that even though I have a fear of spiders ever since that one spider bit me and I almost lost a leg as a result.  Do you want me to make you a drink?  I have my own personal bar, stocked with the choicest of rail liquors.  Gin and Tonic?  I can make it.  Fuzzy Navel?  I can make it.  How about I make you my favorite summertime drink.  You the one.  It starts with some crisp Citronen citrus vodka and and then I mix it with the healthy elixir that is Dr. McGuilicutty's Cherry Schnapps and then it is all mixed with some fine Country Time Lemonade.  Girl, it's delicious.

  So, girl, why am I asking you for what you want?  Well...girl, your wish is my command.

  Your first wish is that I clean up.  I take my shower and shampoo with the suavest of the Suave Shampoos.  It is lavender scented.  Why lavender?  Girl, it's your favorite.  After I thoroughly dry off, I shave with my Norelco razor.  Girl, I have to admit that I fear cutting myself with a razor blade.  Still I get a close and smooth shave.  It may not be as smooth as a baby, but, girl, I know you like it rough.

  I decide that I need to dress up for you.  Those silk boxers that you adore?  They go on first.  Girl, I know it must sound bizarre that I would tell you that I put my boxers on first but I don't want you to that I am a fool and I want to dress perfectly because, girl, your wish is my command.

  I have decided to go with my black suit because you have said this is your favorite of my suits.  It was purchased at the Men's Warehouse because I am a frugal shopper and they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  My shirt?  Well, it's that burgundy one that you and I both like.  My tie is hard to select because you always compliment me on my tie collection.  I narrow the choices to a red and white striped silk tie that was a gift from a friend who taught English in China because first it goes with my shirt and by selecting this one I want you to see that I surround myself with desirable and professional characters because, girl, I am not a thug; the black and white check tie that I got in my tie of the month club; or the Jerry Garcia painting print tie.  I have decided to go with the Jerry tie but don't worry, it's not Jerry himself but one of his abstract paintings.  I have selected this tie because I want you to see that I have excellent taste in art and music. 

  Next, I have to choose my cologne.  Which should I go with, girl?  Really, you like that one?  So I slap on your choice, Angel by Thierry Mugler.  Thank you girl, I love this scent.  I smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

  I arrive at your place with some freshly picked wild flowers and a bottle of wine.  I ring your doorbell.  Those three notes sound like an angel chorus to me, girl, because they remind me that soon I will be in your luscious presence.  You answer the door.  I am speechless because you are standing in front of me.  Girl, you are my goddess in sweatpants.

  I present you with the bottle of wine.  You question my selection.  It's Night Train, girl.  It will inspire us to ride the rails of love all night but I can assure you that it won't be an express trip nor will we visit the sleeper car on the rails of love.  Girl, you know what I am talking about, you devilish little minx.

  You are eying my other present, the wildflowers.  I give them to you.  You remark that you have never seen flowers quite like these.  Well, girl, I will let you in on a secret, I picked them at a local state park.  Yes, that means I am a criminal but I ain't a thug.  For you, girl, I would pick a million flowers under fear of prosecution,  You sniff the ill-picked flowers and smile.  Girl, remember these flowers are part of my bad-boy persona but I ain't a thug.

  Girl, here I am, what do you want me to do?  Really, right away?  Your wish is my command.  Girl, this may get a little dirty.  I have to take off my suit.  Just lay back and get ready for me to go to work.  Some people will say that what I am about to do is unhygienic but your wish is my command.  Girl, relax and let me take over.  You must have gotten started before I got here because it is so wet.  My fingers and hands are soaked up to my elbows.  Girl, normally I wouldn't do this jsut for anyone but your wish is my command and I will happily scrub your toilet.

  Girl, now what do you want me to do?  OK, I can make you a snack.  What goes good with Night Train?  That's right, girl, S'Mores!  I begin with the most delectable of marshmallows and the finest choice cut of chocolates, Hershey's.  Girl, I can't hide my money when I am with you.  I sandwich the chocolate and marshmallow between two crisp yet delicate golden graham crackers.  Girl, thirty seconds in the microwave and then you can have this gooey and sticky goodnes in your mouth.  Relax, girl, you sit on the couch and I will bring them to you.  Lay back and open your mouth.  Does it taste good?  Oops, there is some on your cheek.  Let me lick that off.  I forgot the wine.  Drink up.  All aboard the Night Train, girl.

  MMM...that Night Train hit the spot and well it should when it only costs $2 a bottle.  Girl, you are so drunk.  I don't think you can make it up your stairs.  Well, girl, I will carry you.  Just watch you head as we go through the doorway.

  Girl, have you lost weight?  You are as light as a feather in my arms.  Now we have reached a predicament that may prove difficult to solve.  How do I peel back the covers for you while holding you in my arms?  OK, I got it.  I fling you on my shoulder and quickly fling off your covers and then I gently lay you down and tuck you in to your soft and warm bed.  Girl, you want to do what?  No, although I appreciate the offer of sex, I can't accept when you are in this condition.  This is one wish that I cannot grant.  To avoid temptation I will go sleep on your couch.  This will serve a dual purpose because I may want to watch late night informercials so that I can have new toys and learn of the wonders of Post-T-Vac and Girls Gone Wild.

  I wake up and I hear you snoring but girl, it's the cutest.  I decide to make you breakfast.  Girl, Night Train does not agree with me in the morning because it is the Night Train and can only be enjoyed in the night time which means your breakfast may be scant.  I have prepared for you some freshly cut fruit and your favorite, Eggo waffles.

  You are still sleeping and, girl, you look like an angel.  You wake up when you smell the maple syrup on the delicious Eggo waffles.  You love your breakfast.  Sitting here and watching you eat has got me thinking about taking you up on your offer from last night.  Yes, I thought about it all night because, girl, you haunt my dreams.  First things first, girl, you're gonna have to leggo that Eggo so I can rock your world.  What?  I have never heard such a request.  Of course I can hit you doggystyle so you can eat your breakfast because, girl, your wish is my command.

  Damn!

  • 3:21 AM
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