October 3, 2009

• Celebrity Round Up 10/2

  I went with my dad to the doctors.  It was one of his follow-ups from his last appointment. I guess he's fine but I will have to write about that in another post because I did something yesterday that in all my years in this area I have never done but always wanted to...no, not that perverts.  It was eating at a restaurant for a specific meal.  Anyway on to the round up.  Some images may not be safe for work or life.

  
  Here she goes again on her own...do you know how long I have been waiting for that joke?  Tawny Kitaen, hair metal video girl, new WKRP actress, husband beater, and graduate of VH-1's Celebrity Rehab, was arrested for drunken driving.  When will people learn that rehab doesn't always work especially when it is televised to millions on a basic cable channel?  OK not really news but I just wanted to bust out a Whitesnake joke that didn't involve fire.
  
  This is the most disgusting news I read this week.  Suri Cruise is 3 years old and she has a wardrobe estimated in value at $3million.  Posh Beckham commissioned a designer to make clothes for her and Suri already is a diva in that she hates wearing clothes twice.  You know, I still have clothes from college and this week I have worn the same sweatpants around my house and my underwear has holes in it.  Fuck my life...3 years old...$3million.
  
  I love this photo.  Paparazzi caught Ryan Seacrest coming out of a bar and he was visibly drunk.  Here we see him sitting in the car dreading the decision he made to drink that second Fuzzy Navel.
  
  I should have seen this coming.  Rose McGowan basically retired from show business this week after dumping her boyfriend and film maker Robert Rodriguez.  Her timing was impeccable.  They had just wrapped up filming Machete...you know the movie that got made because of the positive reviews of the fake trailer in the Grindhouse movie package.  So Rose dumped the only guy who cast her in movies.  She may as well have burnt her Screen Actor's Guild card too.
  
  You know, Rihanna looks so demure.  I happen to enjoy this look.  I think women should wear more outfits where nipples and genitals may make surprise guest appearances.  It's their right.
  
  Randy Quaid turned 59 this week.  It probably wasn't a happy birthday seeing he is currently in a money shitstorm.  He is currently facing charges of stiffing a hotel out of a bill and it was revealed that he owes the IRS $1.16million.  At one point in his life he was making $83,000 per month and now he is trying to file for bankruptcy.  Poor Cousin Eddie.  It's sad to think that he may end up just like his character.  Oh and I didn't post the new photo because I wanted to show Randy in newer happier money having times.  He looks like such a pimp.  His new photos...I don't know but I think he is some sort of cult leader.  Maybe that is why he isn't paying the IRS.  He's a religious leader...ah those were the days.  I am trying to figure out how to get out of taxes because my cats are ordained in the Universal Life Church.
  
  Padma Lakshmi, one of the hosts of Top Chef, has come down with a case of the pregnant.  No word on who the father is and her assistants won't comment and are begging that people respect her privacy...HAHAHAHAHA!  I want to start a rumor but who do I say is the father?  That bald-headed Brit, Toby?  Tom Colicchio?  Anthony Bourdain...yeah, he's cool like that.  Oh and since she is this foodie and since people have been known to eat the placenta...do you think that will be a Quickfire Challenge in an upcoming season?
  
  Do you remember this mugshot of Mel Gibson and his subsequent rant?  Well Mel doesn't want you to remember it.  He has petitioned to have all his comments erased from the record.  Mel, there's no way that I can forget that you said that Jews have started all the wars of the world.  You can't just go erasing things you don't like.  That wouldn't be right, would it, Sugar Tits?
  
  Here is a shot from the film in which Mel is currently starring.  The movie is called The Beaver and is directed by Jodie Foster and she co-stars with Mel in this film.  I am sure the beaver we see that Mel has his hand in comes from Jodie's personal collection...oh this is going to get good.  Stay tuned for more beaver jokes.
  
  SHHHHHHH?  Too late Brian...I mean Marilyn Manson.  Your secret has been exposed.  Last week you told me that you had the H1N1 or swine flu.  This week you admitted it was a poorly written joke in which you were saying that you have made poor taste in the women with whom you have sex.  You are calling them pigs, right?  Looking at this photo, I think maybe they should be the ones joking about fucking pigs.
  
  I haven't given any news about the hot mess that is the sequel to Sex and the City.  There has been a rumor going around that Liza Minnelli is featured in a part of the movie, a scene which involves her singing at a gay wedding.  The song she is rumored to sing...Single Ladies by Beyonce.  If that isn't gay...OK I don't mean to be mean here but could someone tell me how Liza and her mother have become icons of the gay community?
  
  Lindsay Lohan is currently signed up to be on a celebrity edition of Big Brother.  I am hoping this is going to be a new American series.  It has usually only aired in the UK but with someone the caliber of Lindsay Lohan they might have to air it in the U.S.  She's going to be trapped in a house with a handful of other people.  That sounds more like rehab to me.  Hopefully the producers of that show will not allow Lindsay to have any nose-powdering time.
  
  This photo of Lindsay was taken Thursday night in Paris.  Lindsay is rumored to be in negotiations to pose for Playboy and is also set for Big Brother.  WHY?  I can't believe she is younger than myself.
  
  This week Lady Gaga gave an eye-melting performance.  I think she is trying to disprove those rumors that she also has a penis.
  
  There is an interesting story going around about Lamar Odom and his new bride Khloe "the Hulk" Kardashian.  It seems that his lawyers and the Hulk's lawyers couldn't agree on the prenuptial agreement.  They went ahead with the ceremony but it wasn't "official".  The whole time I have been thinking, what sort of person would need or even want a prenup when marrying a Kardashian girl?
  
  Kim Kardashian was at the Hulk's wedding and she was so moved by the fake wedding that she had to go back to her exboyfriend Reggie Bush.  Wait...why am I talking about the Kardashians?  Do you realize that family got famous and has a TV series all because Kim videotaped herself having sex with Ray J and allowed him to urinate all over her and she made the video public? 
  
  Kevin Federline has been spotted eating like a mad man.  Professor Federline has this crazy idea that if he gains a whole lot of weight before he goes on Celebrity Fit Club that he will lose more weight.  WOW!  I CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS THAT SMART!  GAIN MORE, LOSE MORE!  We now have the K-Fed Diet Plan.
  
  Kelly Osbourne has been approached by Playboy magazine.  They want her to pose nude.  RUN!  Hugh Hefner is 83 years old.  Either he is losing his touch or he sees some intangible beauty about her like keeping her mouth shut during football games.
  
  Justin Timberlake is set to star in a big screen movie about Facebook.  I bet that will be great.  Maybe it will be two hours of him filling out surveys, answering poll questions, playing Mafia Wars, and poking people.  Also he supposedly dumped his girlfriend Jessica Biel weeks ago and is currently dating Rihanna.  I feel bad for Jessica but strangely I feel good for Rihanna.  She never has to fear Timberlake beating her since Rihanna is more of a man than he is.
  
  Juliette Lewis is living proof that Scientology is great for the human mind.  Maybe Juliette is what that news anchor meant when he said, "Keep fucking that chicken."
  
  A shitstorm is brewing over at TLC.  Early in the week it was said that TLC fired Jon Gosslein from the show Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Then he goes on Larry King and starts crying about he is delaying the divorce and custody hearings and says that he owns the house so he isn't allowing TLC to film them anymore because it isn't healthy.  TLC had plans to change the show to Kate Plus 8 in which she struggles with 8 kids as a single parent and then find themselves in crazy situations each week.  Well I really don't know what the status is now but I do know VH-1 is in works to start a Jon Gosslein reality show called Jon Plus 87 Douchey Ed Hardy Shirts.
  
  A new sextape hit the internet this week and it allegedly stars Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.  They are no longer dating but it was filmed when they were.  The story is that it was filmed at a Caribbean resort and they forgot the camera in their room after checkout.  It is a boring tape and I really doubt it is them but then I am going on stereotypes so who knows.
  
  Early in the week, when I first heard this, Gay Fish...I mean Kanye West had been talking to friends saying that he was planning on going into rehab following his tour with Lady Gaga.  Well yesterday, the tour was canceled.  So does this mean---EXCUSE ME GODFATHEROFGREENBAY YOU ARE A GREAT BLOGGER BUT I AM THE GREATEST BLOGGER OF ALL TIME BECAUSE I USE ALL CAPS!
  
  Fred Durst classed up the joint by twittering that he and is wife of 3 months were getting divorced.  I don't think it is official because he didn't announce it on his Xanga account.  Oh you didn't know?  Those were to good old days of Xanga when Fred Durst was a blogger.  Team Xanga needs to get his ass back here.  He could do so much for this place...increased traffic, cellphone porn, emo metal, tattoo designs...XANGA NEEDS FRED DURST!
  
  I often give Eli Roth a hard time but last weekend he really gave back to his fans.  He had cyber sex with a couple of lucky fans in a forum and then posted that first photo.  You may need to enlarge the the forum pic to see what he wrote.  He really cares about his fans.  Now, if any of my fans are interested, I could be coerced into giving back like Eli.
  
  Edward Furlong's wife filed for divorce this week and one of her reasons is that she claims that Pecker(references rock) is addicted to crack.  She also claims that he threatened her by saying that he was going to hire people with chains and bats to beat her.  This guy is OUT THERE!  Remember a couple years ago when he went into a grocery store and stole lobsters from a tank because he wanted to free them?  Want to know my theory as to why he is going off the rails on the crazy train?  Two words:  Tara Reid.  She costarred with him in The Crow: Wicked Prayer.  I don't have to say more other than I hope he gets cleaned up.
  
  I debated whether or not I should post this because people might not know who either person is.  Well Courtney Love got friendly with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez last week.  She said that he winked at her and she smiled and then he winked again and then one more time.  3 winks sealed the deal.  She says that she plans on visiting his country.  Knowing Courtney there is one of two things going on in her brain.  One is that she has no clue who this guy is.  The other which is more likely is that she thinks she will go down to Venezuela and will be the first lady and the next Evita.
  
  Dita Von Teese turned 37 this week.  Why did she marry Marilyn Manson?  I hope she wasn't the pig he talked about. 
  
  You really didn't think I would post a story about Dita Von Teese and not post some of her lingerie photos. did you?  I think these are more of a birthday present for me.
  
  I haven't heard follow-up to this but Dennis Hopper was admitted to a hospital this week for flu-like symptoms.  People said that when he was wheeled into the hospital, he was on all sorts of breathing machines and had tubes everywhere.  Let's hope he gets better soon.  This flu stuff sucks.
  
  Hey conspiracy theorists looking for the Holy Grail.  I think we have found who possesses it.  If you really believe in that cup you really don't know your Bible and are a fool but anyway...Christiana Ricci must have it because I don't think she has aged since she turned 14.  She is 8 days older than myself.  I wish I looked that good at this age.
  
  Brooke Hogan's music producer, Scott Storch, has admitted the unthinkable...her music sucks.  He said that while he was producing her album that he was doing cocaine 24/7 and that her father, the Hulkster, was putting a lot of pressure on him to make the album a hit.  Why am I not surprised by this?  Whatcha gonna do, Scott Storch, when the 24 inch pythons and artificial hips and knees run wild all over you?  Oh and that is Hulk and Brooke, not his girlfriend that looks just like his daughter.
  
  Hey guys, Britney Spears is horny.  She has released a song called 3 and the song is about having a threesome.  You know if she really is hard up for sex, I'm twice the man than any of the guys she is with and I mean that literally because I have a glandular problem so I guess sex with me would be a threesome.  I was going to post it but some Nazis removed it from youtube. 
  
  Britney Spears filed for divorce from Walmart and here she is shopping at Target or as they say in the 507 and 952 to class it up...Tar-jay.  I think this photo has started a new website, People of Target.  I am also convinced Britney is off on a new baby daddy hunt...who am I kidding, I'd offer my services.

  Video Section
  The new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer hit the intertubes this week.  I don't know...Rorschach and Kelly Leak and the creeper from Little Children can't save this one.
  
  Does anyone still watch Saturday Night Live?  Last week Megan Fox hosted but that wasn't newsworthy.  One of the new cast members dropped an f-bomb.  Surprisingly that is only the third time in the history of that show that someone has said the word fuck.
  

  I hope everyone has a totally radical and tubular weekend.  Shine on you crazy diamonds!  We love you, Chevy!

  • 2:14 AM
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