October 9, 2009

• Questions with the Godfather and his cock

  Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have been babysitting my father and Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

  Me: Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
  Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
  Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
  Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
  Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
  Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed.
  Cocky: Yeah, so I heard that you are filling out some funny application questions.
  Me: Yeah, I wrote an essay last night about different things from my life that besides what I have learned in classes that I would incorporate in the classroom.
  Cocky:  I could see all our conversations being useful.
  Me: Um...no.  I talked about how I coached volleyball and how I use the concept of teamwork so that all the students can achieve a common goal. 
  Cocky: You? You play volleyball?
  Me: I don't play, I coached.  My knees are too bad to play.  I would dive for a ball and get down on my knees and never be able to get back up.
  Cocky:  Yeah...sounds like you spent too much time being a page at the state capitol.
  Me: I was never a page...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  So going with oral sex jokes already?
  Cocky:  I love oral sex jokes even though the mainstream media seems to think they suck.

  
  

  Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

  
  

  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon. 
  

  Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                           Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
  Me: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
  Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
  Me: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
  Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
  Me: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
  Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
  Me: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
  Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
  Me: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child.  He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl.  I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home.  He said that he had a moral lapse of reason.  Should I remain friends with him?  Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
                                           Conundrum in Coon Valley
  Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero.  If I was you I would dump this friend. 
  Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
  Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing.  If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you.  If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
  Cocky:  Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                            Pissed Off in Plum City
  Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
  Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.
  Me: Oh so Cocky, you're sounding like a broken record recommending that throat punch.
  Cocky: You bitch...pot kettle black...VOLLEYBALL!  VOLLEYBALL!  I am so mad that I am going to start spitting here.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                          Dater in DeSoto
  Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
  Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Recently I was on a date with a girl and things were going smoothly.  Then as I was driving her home she reached over and grabbed my crotch.  It wasn't that pleasant because she was rough.  I laughed nervously and she removed her hand.  She called me up later and said she was devastated because she had never touched a guy in that manner before.  I guess my question is should I go out with her again despite the awkwardness?
                                           Touched in Twivers
  Me: Well I would say go for it.  There will be some awkwardness at first but you may want to explain why you were shocked.  If this is truly the first time she grabbed a guy like that then maybe she has feelings for you and didn't know how to express herself.
  Cocky: Yeah, dude, either she is nuts about you are she wants to be your urologist.  Go out with her again or both the godfather and I will come and punch you in the throat.
  
  

  Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Guko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.
  

  

  If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.
  
  

  • 2:01 AM
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